Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Here's Johnny and he changed.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASP]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I thought I told you, no pickle.

And the fries are cold.

The milk, I'm Bernie.

Can't you see I'm eating here?

[GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

Why are you laughing at that, Wazen?

They accidentally give you the wrong change?

No, better, better.

I saw Bobo inside, but he didn't see me.

And I stuffed his tailpipe full of garbage on the way

out.

Oh, quick, Bob.

Pull up a visual.

I don't want to miss a second.

One step ahead of you, chief.

I'm linking up to Bobo's comm system.

What's going on?

[LAUGHING]

I just had a mission for the dealership.

Hey, somebody need a jump start.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, come on.

I'll get you, chode.

That's got to be my best prank yet.

Chode, Bobo looked really pissed.

Hamburger, 475 cronics, shake, 250 cronics,

seeing Bobo made a fool priceless.

[GROANING]

[COUGHING]

Chode, what's wrong?

I think he's playing charades.

OK, first word.

Sounds like a war of the world.

Die hard?

Die another day?

Night of the living dead?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIREN]

Hey, why is it so foggy in here?

Who the hell put on the army?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKING]

So the rabbi says to the moll, I only take tips.

I don't get it.

It's a joke.

Hold it.

Looks like we've got incoming.

Who is it?

Take a look.

Huh?

I had a run in with him six months ago.

Take him.

He's all yours.

God bless.

I don't want him.

Yeah, well, neither do I.

Truth is, this loser's on the fence.

He can be pitching for either side.

I'm smelling a wager.

Last time we tried that was with Joe.

And you know how that turned out.

Jesus Christ.

Will you give that up already?

Oh.

All right.

What's the bet?

I figure out a way to change his ways,

turn his life around, and start fighting on the side

of good.

Before I get him to give in to a life of debauchery

and depravity.

Could be interesting.

I win.

You've got to take him.

I win.

You take him.

And let me cause another natural disaster.

You mean like a second season of Joey?

You know, I really do need to get a hobby.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hold on, hold on.

Celestial music, white light.

Last thing I remember is choking on that burger.

Hey, I must be in heaven.

[EXPLOSION]

Guess again, showed.

You want to buy an owl?

Is there-- is there an eye?

[BELL RINGING]

How about an O?

Wait, wait.

I think I got it.

Did I solve the puzzle?

I wish somebody would.

Paul?

With a love of God.

Watch it.

You're in hell, Joe.

Hell!

No, no.

There's got to be some mistake.

I've been a good guy my whole life.

OK, maybe not so good, but you know, not bad.

I mean, I don't deserve this.

Joe, you've managed to ruin every life you've touched.

That's not true.

Oh, no.

Take a look and see what your cruise lives would have

been

like if you'd never been born.

What was that again, captain?

A star captain's most solemn oath

is that he will give his life, even his entire crew,

rather than violate the prime directive.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's raining men.

Oh, goodness gracious.

Oh, goodness gracious.

[APPLAUSE]

If you play your cards right up,

I'll put you in the center fold.

And by cards, I mean my nuts.

[LAUGHTER]

How about Danuck?

She was born a lost cause.

Well, let's just have a look.

[GROANING]

Happy Mother's Day, darling.

I'm the luckiest gal of the galaxy.

[GROANING]

Oh, that-- I don't think I'm going to be sick.

You see, Chode, you truly ruined every life you

touched.

What about Bob, the ship's computer?

Where would he be without me?

Let's just take a look.

So, uh, Bob, what did you do this weekend?

Well, like, who did I do?

Oh, you are bad.

Yeah, well, that's not what she said.

All right, Bob, why don't you tell us who the guest

about tonight?

Nuff said, champ.

Time to get packing.

What's this?

Regulation pitchforkin' horns.

Your pointed tail should grow in a few days.

For the first century, I'm putting you in the boiler

room

bunking with Hitler and Shen and Doherty.

No, not Shen and Doherty.

She's going to eat you for lunch and crap out Tori's

spelling.

[LAUGHING]

What?

What's going on?

Devil, damn it.

Someone is giving you mouth to mouth.

Thank you, six.

I knew I could count on you.

Don't worry.

You'll be back.

Never.

I'm going to change.

Come on, Chode.

A fat purple alien can never change his spots.

I can.

You'll see.

Yeah, right.

See you later.

Oh, that was subtle.

Hell, it's what I do.

[COUGHING]

[GROANING]

Thank you, six.

[GROANING]

It's not my fault I had a few onion rings

before you decided to choke to death.

What are you waiting for, Chode?

Tell her next time she'd do you a favor

by giving you ass to mouth resuscitation.

God?

Come on.

These things right themselves.

Tell her.

Is that the thanks I get for saving your life?

You want to pick me up, OK?

Then go pick one up, bad breath, Betty.

I'm talking here, you purple turd.

I'm sorry, Tenup.

Really?

And?

And thank you.

Thank you for saving my life.

It's sad.

I always figured you were what alien in the galaxy

in touch with your dark side.

No, it's just--

All right.

Who are you?

And what have you done with Chode?

Thank you all for coming.

There's just a few things I want to say.

After surviving my own near-death experience,

I see now what a bastard I've been.

You mean lazy, selfish bastard?

Absolutely right, Bob.

I stand corrected.

Make that thought, lazy, selfish, selfish bastard.

Actually, I was going to throw an eagle maniacal.

Too wordy.

How's self-centered purple creeperzoid grab you?

Look, the point is I want you to know the old Chode

is dead.

One down and one to go.

Chode, this shows a new side of self-awareness.

I've treated you all poorly in the past,

but I just want the chance to show you

I can be the kind of captain who'll

treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

Yeah, right.

Talk to me in five minutes.

What's he on?

When's Aston Kusher coming out to tell us we've been

punked?

Oh, come on.

What did he say?

Group hug?

No, not--

Uh-uh.

No, don't accept.

[GROANING]

A for effort, but D minus on the schmaltzel meter.

Now what's the use?

They'll never buy the new me in a zillion light years.

Not with that attitude, mister.

You can't just say you've changed.

You've got to show them.

No.

You're sure you want to trust me with decorating your

bedroom?

You're the one with taste.

Tell me what you think.

I call it Caesar's Retreat.

Picture marbleized ceilings, velvet accents,

and a string of naked statues of Roman gods

to really make the room pop.

Wow.

It's like it shantied me.

We're about to head to the meteor shower, Captain.

You want to take it from here, Uncle Chude?

No, I'm saying it's-- yeah.

You can handle this whip, I believe in you.

Whoa.

Thanks.

That means a lot coming from you.

Ow.

That one hit me in the groin.

Easy.

How are we doing?

Great.

Super.

I think you missed one.

What's you looking at, dumbass?

Nothing.

I was just going to ask you if you'd like my crackers.

Slide them over here, you mental midget.

There you go.

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

[GROWL]

Wow, you're talented and pretty.

So rare to find in a whatever you are.

So you're ready to storm the beaches of Normandy?

You have no idea.

This has been the longest day of my--

[SCREAMS]

I guess this-- test the theory that God is everywhere.

Sorry, I just popped in to give you

a word of encouragement while you're pounding

that hot piece of girl meat.

Well, thanks, because I just lost my wood.

I created "Man and Woman."

Can I talk about sex?

No.

What are you trying to do here?

Test me somehow?

Nonsense, my son.

God loves you just the way you are.

So don't go changing to try to please me.

Isn't that a Billy Joel song?

Who do you think gave it to him?

The point I'm trying to make is be true to yourself.

What would you be doing tonight if you never

had a near-death experience?

That's a typical wham-bam thank you, ma'am.

Minus the thank you part, of course.

That's my boy.

The Lord take us away and give us back.

I'll get to work.

What you waiting for, handsome?

[MUTTERING]

Oh.

Hmm.

What's wrong, chode?

Is it time for Dr. Fishburne to up the dosage on the

Viagra?

No, no, no, no, it's just that I've been thinking.

I want to learn how to be a selfless lover.

Huh?

You know, to do things in bed that you like to do.

OK.

So what do you want to do?

How about we talk about my feelings in cuddle?

I can do that.

Does cuddling involve you taking it up the caboose?

I suppose it's a step in the right direction.

Woo-hoo, good.

Wow, Uncle Chode, this place is great.

I can't believe you're treating us all to dinner.

Yes, what do you have, a five for one coupon in your

wallet?

Nah, he's got to make us pull a dine and dash.

Ah, cheap jokes.

Very funny.

I don't know what's worse, the fact

that I can't get to him or the fact he's getting to

me.

Chode, we need to leave.

Darth Bobo's here.

If he sees you, there's no telling what he might do.

No, no, no.

Bobo made me a lot of things, but at his core,

he's a reasonable clown.

I'm going to go over and apologize.

No.

This will be better than Alien versus Predator.

I'll have the lobster, Thermador appetizer,

and the beef wellington.

At beef prices, how am I ever going to afford my own

death orb?

What do you want me to do until then?

Stoice!

Guess who?

I know the smell of those fingers.

Hello, Chode.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to come over and offer an olive branch.

Oh, by the way, Bernice, that dress

looks positively ravishing on you.

What, you think you'd chode?

You'd like to do her?

No, of course not.

Why not?

She's not attractive enough for you.

That's not what it meant.

I was just making polite conversation.

Right, because my wife is so horse ugly,

she needs your purple ass to come over and give her

a pity compliment.

Fight, fight, fight.

Maybe one of us should try to break it up.

Nah.

Oh no, Bobo's taking Uncle Chode over to the salad

bar.

Quick, let's find a better seat.

I've got a sea note, St. Chode's gonna choke

by the time they get out of the restaurant.

I've been taking peace of that action.

See what you started.

I knew this bet was a bad idea.

Then why'd you take it?

Why do I do any of the things I do?

Bored.

No, I don't want any trouble here.

Yeah, well, y'all found it.

Don't do it, Darv.

Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

I got faith planning.

Your woman chode.

What are you going to do about it?

Get over there and kick his ass.

Violence never solves anything.

That's BS.

What about the American Revolution, the Civil War?

Yeah, and what about Vietnam?

The US pulled out way too early.

Every historian agrees upon that.

Hey, I'm talking to you.

Look, Darv, I'm sure it was an accident.

There's no reason this situation needs to get any

more ugly.

You can't help but bring this back to birdies, can

you?

Well, are you going to say something?

Wasn't it nice running into the bovos again?

Give us a slice of the purple tentacle thing.

Push this meat.

This ain't over by a long shot.

You're taking chode, body and soul.

Oh, really?

Well, if you're so sure of yourself,

why do you look like you're ready to smite?

Don't push me, little man.

[HUMMING]

You know, this guy and the guy really had his crap

together.

Meditation is the path to inner peace.

How far in the book are you?

First page, dedicated to my kids, Alex, Penelope, and

Dusty.

[HUMMING]

All right, I know nobody here wants to say this,

so I'll try to be delicate.

Chode's gone cuckoo for cuckoo puffs.

It's true.

He actually stood and let Darth Bobo bitch slap him.

Part of it almost turned me on.

Uncle showed actually like a whoosh.

The last time I was that embarrassed

is when Tanook caught me spanking my spitos.

Hey, kiddo, that was no picnic for me either.

[GROANING]

I don't know what else we can do.

Chode seems determined to be a better man.

So that means we have to spend the rest of our lives

living with Mahatma Han job?

I could be sooner than you think.

What do you mean, Bob?

There's an enemy clownship approaching.

Chode, that must be Darth Bobo.

You've got to do something.

Pull him up on the screen.

War is not the answer.

All you need is love.

And a few choice hair trigger nuclear powered photon

missiles.

Whoa, Chode.

Hello, Darth.

You must have thought you were really clever

swiping my wallet at the restaurant while I wasn't

looking.

What are you talking about?

I didn't steal your wallet.

Can it, Chode?

I'm settling this score for good by blowing your

purple ass

to smithereens.

[GASPING]

What smithereens, adjacent?

No, wait, Darth, wait.

You don't really want this.

This is the evil party you're talking.

Maybe you're right.

And here's my evil finger about to press on a torpedo

and into your starboard side.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, the restaurant's on the phone.

They found your wallet in the seat cushion.

Oh, I suppose that changes things, practically.

Not.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, I'm coming.

[GASPS]

Oh, mama.

Mama, can you hear me?

It's your baby calling.

Let's head to the escape hatch.

We've got you to defend ourselves.

Give Bob the command to attack.

Aw.

It's pure daytime, Kimisabe.

Get up the ante, just a tad.

Fine.

You win an illegalized prostitution.

I win.

You give Ben Affleck back his career.

The boys suffered enough.

Deal.

[SCREAMING]

We need to move.

You know what Gandhi says?

[GUNFIRE]

[GROANS]

What?

Do they have that song on a continuous loop?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait.

I'm in hell.

Know, my son, I'm proud of you, Chode.

You finally managed to turn your life around.

Really?

What other roads you were headed for if you continued

to live your life your old way?

And what is it about the little balls they put on

ladies' underwear?

Is it like a little present to wrap a private part?

Sorry, I'm Tivo-ing Ellen.

Cracks me up, and she never works blue.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow.

What a life.

Take my hand, Chode, and come with me to heaven.

Screw that.

I'm out of here.

[LAUGHS]

Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.

I heard, but don't come crying to me when Affleck

for Armageddon 2, end of time.

[SCREAMING]

Bish.

I thought you weasels were on your way out the escape

Um, we had a change of heart.

You've got the keys.

That's right.

So out of my way, fat ass, that clown is going down.

[SCREAMING]

What about Gandhi?

Never trust a man wearing a diaper.

Toad, you're back.

Bop, release a smokescreen, then fire crisscross

in Bobo's flight path.

You got it, El Capitan.

Huh?

What's that purple ass ward up to?

Turn downward now!

That's not good. Go the other way!

All right, do you have anyone know where we keep the

candles?

[SCREAMING]

Talk to me, Bob.

Looks like they're retreating, sir.

You did it, Chode.

Damn straight.

Now it's time to celebrate.

You and I have a date under the sheets.

Be there in three minutes.

And he'll come in another four.

It's great to have you back, Captain.

It's great to be back.

Aye-aye, Captain.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Whoa, that was the best six minutes of my entire life.

How was it for you?

The mere fact that you even cared to ask me

makes me feel counted, Chode.

I guess you really did change after all.

Chode?

Chode?

[GRUNTS]

Truth is, Chode's more aggravation than he's worth.

Yeah, but part of me can't help but get a kick out of

him.

You want him? He's all yours.

Are you kidding? Life's too short.

I hope he lives to a thousand.

I could make that happen.

Why do you think I said it? We could always mess with

him again.

Hey, by the way, thanks for sending up those two

working girls.

I had fun turning them around.

I bet you did.

You're evil.

Hey, I thought you gave up smoking.

[LAUGHS]

I only smoke when I have a glass of wine.

You know those things will kill you.

Where am I going?

[THEME MUSIC]

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(dramatic music)