Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I did all of this books.

I did all of this books.

[INAUDIBLE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, ha ha ha ha!

This baby rocks!

Hey, you've been gone for three hours!

I told you to pick me up some milk and maxi pads!

I know, dear, the lines are just awful here.

Don't BS me!

You've taken that new prototype jet fighter out

for a test drive, haven't you?

Gotta go, dear.

I'm at the register and the cashier is giving me daggers.

Phew!

[SCREAMING]

Jeez, I hope the insurance covers that.

What am I doing here?

I paid that parking ticket.

Well, I should check.

It's in the mail.

I post-added it.

Just don't cash it until Tuesday.

That's not why we brought you here.

It's about all those jury summons I never got.

It's not like I tore them up or anything.

No, Chode.

There's something I want you to take a look at.

This happened three nights ago.

What are you waiting for?

Go take space, mind!

Blancy, I could edit for the last hour.

You have?

Ow.

I thought that was your pancake.

Look, I'm flattered, but I don't do group scenes.

That was the wrong D.V.D. Nimrod.

This is what I wanted you to see.

If anyone is picking this up, please send help.

[SCREAMING]

My husband was test piloting an experimental fighter

jet

when his plane went down on Vitaleus 4.

Vitaleus 4?

We've sent two search parties and haven't heard from

them since.

I wonder.

It's the official dumping ground for the most heinous

creatures

in the galaxy.

No way, lady.

Please, Chode, you have to do something.

OK.

If you give me your address, I'll

be sure to send you a sympathy card.

No, Chode.

You've got to find him for me.

Only an idiot would go down to Vitaleus 4.

Why do you think I came to you?

I'll pay you 250,000 cronigs to bring Adam back alive.

Sorry, Nance, there's not enough money in the

universe

for me to put my life on the line for anybody.

Let's let your under-endowed husband.

That's what I thought.

[SCREAMING]

Say hello to my little friend.

[GASPING]

[SCREAMING]

Find Adam, your three-eyed piece of purple vodka.

[SCREAMING]

What did you just do?

I just put a near-wig that will consume your brain

in exactly 24 hours, unless you're given the antidote.

You've already lost two search crews.

What makes you think I could save Adam?

Because you're the most selfish alien in the galaxy.

You do anything to save your own ass.

Find Adam, and you get to live.

I don't have a choice.

You're going to need this.

Hey.

I know.

It runs a little fast.

This is a deal, see?

I'm about to inherit a lot of money, and it's all in

quarters.

So I'm going to need help carrying it.

See?

Of course, I'm going to split it five ways.

Why would you do that?

Well, isn't it obvious?

Because it's only fair.

You're my best friends, actually, more like family.

You plan on tucking us in at the end of this story.

OK, look, what I have is this treasure map,

and all you need to do is try that again only this

time

with more feeling.

It's a beachfront time share.

You know how to tell when the captain's lying?

His lips move.

OK, OK, OK, look, look, look, look.

Commander Adam is lost on Vitalius 4,

and unless I find him in 24 hours,

some parasites could aid my brain.

No, that's the real story. Look, I'm wearing a death

watch.

Cool.

I always wanted one of those.

Cool, my ass.

People, you gotta believe me.

I'm a goner.

I just did a scan of your brain.

Let's see what we've got.

Can you get any closer?

Oh, my god, his watch is even faster than mine.

Now do you see how important this is?

We've got less than 22 hours to find Commander Adam,

or I'm a dead man walking.

Wait a minute.

Isn't Vitalius 4 the planet with all those killer

monsters?

I just remembered I have bingo tonight.

Me too.

Please, if I don't find Adam soon, I'm a dead man.

I know.

You keep harping on that like it's a bad thing.

Yeah, what's that about?

Come on, guys.

Chode would be the first to rise to the occasion

for any of us, right, Chode?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, probably.

Of course I'd save you.

I'll finally fix the soda machine.

I know I've said it before, but this time I mean it.

Come on, people.

Ice cold soda.

Well, I guess.

That'll do it for me.

It tastes pretty good.

Be an improvement.

No doubt about it.

This is where Adam touched down.

Hey, well, I try to walk on to Commander Adam's life

signal.

Everyone else scouted the area for clues.

He was obviously terrified of something.

Or he got hold of some spicy Thai food.

I don't know what he was so scared about.

This place looks absolutely divine.

It's coming from over there.

[SCREAMING]

Wow.

That must have been some really spicy Thai food.

Chode, what are you doing?

Not now.

Get that hairy thing away from me.

Hey, look at that.

I think I finally locked on to Commander Adam's life

signal.

[SCREAMING]

Phew, what a relief.

According to this, we're less than two kilometers

away from Commander Adam.

Somebody help me.

How about somebody helping me, huh?

I'm trying to figure out which way is north on this

day.

Oh, for the love of God, if you want something done

right, do it yourself.

[SCREAMING]

Six, really?

This is hardly the time or place to do the nasty.

I got a parasite ready to eat my brain in case you

forgot.

All right, people, stop goofing around.

OK, north should be this way.

[SCREAMING]

Look, it's Alf.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

There goes his comeback.

Well, let's prove that those do some good.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

Huh.

[SCREAMING]

Ah!

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no!

Lady, there ain't no way I'm the right man to fill

that job's opening.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No!

Hm.

What's this?

Watch out for the snakehead terror.

Oh, nonsense.

Everyone knows they're extinct.

Oh, really?

Tell him.

[SCREAMING]

What the hell is that?

It's a Mansquito.

Yuck.

Try dating one.

One little prick, and it's all over.

Buzz off!

[SCREAMING]

Huh?

Huh?

[SCREAMING]

Unless someone's got a giant can of raid,

we're going to have to find another way around.

Looks like we're going to have to go straight across

that fallen tree trunk.

Wait a minute.

Something's not right.

These tree trunks breathing?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Run!

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Gotta keep moving.

Let's go.

How do you like that?

I guess I've finally figured out a way to put their

differences aside.

Golly, sevens.

Go, fish.

I distinctly remember you picking up a seven.

You calling me a cheat?

I knew it.

You're not worth it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

My face!

My beautiful face!

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm a happily married man.

Well, not happily, but I'm still married.

[LAUGHING]

What are you doing down there?

Don't!

[LAUGHING]

I mean it.

Please, don't!

Don't stop!

Oh, oh, baby!

Oh, that's what I'm talking about!

Oh, yeah!

Well, Commander Adams' life signal is coming from

just across the other side of what looks like a lagoon.

Where the hell is it?

I don't see the lagoon.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, why didn't I see that before?

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

The ungodly monster has seen us, and will no doubt

seek revenge.

Run!

Too late.

They're still telling what danger lies within that

swamp.

We need to find another way across.

Ziggs, I got less than an hour before that parasite

starts fricassee in my brain.

But if you're afraid, then I'll just have to take my

chances on my own.

Nice knowing you, kid. Here's mud in your eye.

Now, Chode, you know I'd never leave you. You're

being silly.

Now, let me see your PDA. Maybe I can figure out a

shortcut.

Help me!

Help me!

What have we got right through here?

That's what we're going to take us to there.

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Feed me, Seymour.

How about a bucket of Kentucky Fried Wraithass?

Damn, this mud is riding my thong underwear like sandpaper.

That's why I always wear crotchless whenever I travel.

Can you do Chetty-Cat, he's going to move on?

I know it's only my life in the balance.

Okay, according to Commander Adam's life signal, he's

on the top of that mountain.

Great, let's go get him.

Wait.

What happened to Gus?

Maybe he drowned.

Or some horrible monster could be eating him right

now.

[GRUNTS]

Commander's room to knock.

I've no place for all my shoes.

Snack it off, Mother Teresa.

No one Gus, he probably stopped to smell a flower.

Catch a butterfly or whatever gay guy's doing in the

bushes.

That is such a stereotype.

Thanks, Leroy. That was fun.

I rest my case.

Call me.

I'm off every other Friday.

Maybe we could catch a movie.

Hey, lovey-dovey, my life, brain parasite, hello!

[GASPS]

That's it. I'm a goner, Six.

We still have time.

There's no way I can get to the top of that mountain

and back in time.

Now, may as well spend the last 15 minutes of my life

making love to you.

What do you plan on doing with the other 13 minutes?

Yeah, very funny. Not...

If only we had somebody with the legs of a billy goat,

the strength of an ox,

and the stubbornness of a jackass to climb that

mountain.

[SIGHS]

I'm trying to blank.

You, to nook.

All right, chode.

I'll get Commander Adam if it'll save your life.

You will? Thanks to nook.

I was kidding.

I just wanted to see the look on your face and I was

right.

It was priceless.

To nook.

All right, I'll do it.

[SIGHS]

Wow. If that's a first date, I can't wait to see what

you do on the second one.

[LAUGHING]

Get away from him, you bitch.

[GROAN]

You want a piece of me?

I want the whole thing, you 50-foot floozy.

[GROANING]

Over here. Now I'm over here.

Follow my vice, Dami.

[GROANING]

What's taking her so long? This is ridiculous.

To nook's putting her life on the line for you, chode,

the least you could do is be appreciative.

Yes, sure, whatever. If she saves my life, then come

talk to me.

[SCREAMS]

Ooh, that's going to leave a mark.

Hey, there's to nook with Adam.

Where was he?

Playing grab-ass with a chick with a hundred-pound

knockers.

Chode, I can't believe you of all people showed up to

save me.

You and me both, but if I don't get your ass back in

five minutes and get that antidote from your wife, my

brain is going to be lunch.

With two minutes to spare. You hear that, Six? Six?

She was right behind me.

The Ataconda's got six.

[GASPS] Uncle Chode, what are you going to do?

Nancy was right. I've been a selfish bastard my whole

life.

And that's about to change. I'm going in after her.

Wow, I haven't seen guts like this since James Brolin,

French kiss, proper strice, and at the altar.

[GASPS]

I said take me!

Hold on, Six. I'll get you out of here.

What's going on?

Chode's inside the snake trying to save your life.

[GASPS]

Where were you?

Calling Nancy. She's on her way down.

[SCREAMS]

No, this can't be. The antidote is really gone.

Gee, I never thought I'd miss the pain in the ass.

And guess what? I was right.

To nook, please. A moment of silence, people.

Look!

My hero.

[GRUNTS]

Down, boy. What died in your mouth?

He's got a lot of nerve working your corner.

I knew he was a player.

[GRUNTS]

I tried everything, but I couldn't save her.

Chode?

Sorry, Six.

[GRUNTS]

You're alive!

Oh, Chode, you really were willing to sacrifice

yourself to save me.

What can I say? That's what I'm made of.

Not an a lot of bull.

[GRUNTS]

That's it. I'm cooked.

It's been nice knowing you.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa! What a rush.

Are you okay?

I think so.

[GRUNTS]

Mama?

Yes, baby, it's me.

Where have you been?

Oh, Chode.

All right, you two. Break it up or I've got a room.

Thanks for getting here in the nick of time. Good

thing you didn't catch traffic.

I'm just so happy to have him back. So where did you

find him?

Don't worry. What happens on Vitaleus 4 stays on Vitaleus

4.

It was unspeakable. Trust me, Nancy, you don't want

to know.

Oh, you poor darling.

Wow, Chode. This is all for you.

Yeah, right. What about the jackass that went up the

hill to fight that overgrown nympho?

Tanuk, I'm going to tell everyone that you're the

real hero here today

and that you deserve the medal, not me.

You are?

No, of course not. I just wanted to see the look on

your face.

Captain, they're waiting for you.

Chode McBlob, on behalf of the Confederation,

I give you this medal for a selfless act of bravery

in the face of danger.

[applause]

It was nothing, really. I just stood up and took

control of the situation like anyone would in my spot.

I suppose you could say, "Courage is my middle name."

They'll have no surety like a woman scorned.

[laughter]

Oops, your girlfriend's back and she looks pissed.

Always call the next day.

Girlfriend?

I did not have sexual relations with that 50-foot

woman, miss.

What did you say your name was again, honey?

I won't be ignored. You don't want to do that.

Give me the knife.

[music]

Thank you.

Now I can kill it myself!

[screaming]

[music]

[music]