Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Darth Vader used to be so much cooler.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Whip, lay on the gas, will ya?

But I'm not allowed to go rift speed with a learner's

permit.

All right, then pull to the side and let these dopes

pass

before some road rage-fueled loonie opens fire.

All right, that's it.

Open fire, Bob.

Now, Captain, temper temper.

Whip, it's important when driving to remain calm and

centered.

You want a piece of me, punk?

Do that again and it's on!

Yeah, calm and centered like that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I think I found our next mark, Estelle.

Oh, so this mark is a perfect Marvin,

but the one I picked out two minutes ago stunk,

typical.

What's going on in here?

Why are we going so slow?

I was just trying to teach my nephew here how to

drive.

Good God, I haven't been on something going this slow

since I was with Gus on that float in the Gay Pride

parade.

That was the Robot Pride parade.

I guess that tiara you had on and that wand covered

in glitter

got me confused.

My mistake.

You know, a good wife would keep her big trap shut

and let her husband do the thinking.

That only works when the husband doesn't

have the IQ of a triple's ass.

I'm going to ignore that, but only because I've

got a sucker on the hook.

Anyone that drives that bad deserves what he's going

to get.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

OK, get a lesson over.

Now, step back and watch the master at work.

What could you do?

Put out.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Damn, that was close.

Yeah, huh, what the hell just happened?

That's Salsa just backed into us.

Hold on, Captain.

I'm getting a signal on the screen.

Nice driving, Nam, mister.

You better have good insurance.

Oh, my neck.

Whiplash.

It's whiplash, I tell you.

Oh.

What are you talking about?

You hit me.

Yeah, right.

You came at us like a bat out of hell.

Marvin, dear, I can't feel my toe.

Between the damage to my ship, her injuries

and the emotional distress you're

going to pay through the nose.

Oh, whatever you breathe through on that purple

feedback.

Oh, oh, the pain.

Oh, Marvin, you didn't want kicks, did you?

You hear that?

You're out of your mind, you bug-eyed turd.

You cost this whole thing.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see who the police believe when they get here.

Police?

You know what that means.

Between the unpaid parking tickets, lack of insurance,

and outdated registration, we're going

to be impounded for good.

That's if they get here first.

I'll give him five minutes to sweat it out,

then negotiate a big payoff for him to walk away.

You idiot.

He's not walking.

He's flying away.

That's it.

Nobody scans a scanner.

[SPLASHING]

They're still there, chief.

Looking really pissed.

I could take a shortcut through that wormhole over

there

and lose them.

Chowd, that's very dangerous.

I know.

You mean you're willing to put all our precious lives

at risk just so your insurance won't go up a dollar?

Hey, I may need that dollar one day

to stick down a stripper's G string.

We'll vanpe all means.

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

[THEME MUSIC]

Chowd.

[GROANING]

I can't believe we survived that.

[THEME MUSIC]

Where the hell are we, Bob?

Apparently, we traveled through time

and have crashed on Earth, sometime in a distant past.

[THEME MUSIC]

That was close.

Do you think anyone saw us?

[GROWL]

I'm telling you, officer, it came out of nowhere.

It was unbelievable.

We saw this so little I think.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

[THEME MUSIC]

Huh?

[GASP]

Luckily, our fall was broken by a herd of cattle

and several hundred cow patties.

Phew, this stinks worse than an episode of Joey.

Yeah, but think of all the hamburgers we can make.

Wouldn't you know it?

Just when my George Foreman grill is on the fritz.

What happened to it?

To nook's sad honor to cauterize a haemorrhoid,

and it hasn't worked since.

Sorry, I am.

I'm in it.

I'm in it.

I'm in it.

Oh, you there, Mr. Farmer.

Pardon us for dropping in like this.

Couldn't be helped.

Really, really sorry.

Tough break.

Hope you're insured for alien cow mutilation.

I'm in it.

I'm in it.

I'm in it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, where the hell are we?

Wait, there's a sign.

Hmm.

You've reached on Starz Answering Service.

A dispatch unit should arrive at your site

in approximately six centuries.

[SIGHS]

What are we supposed to do until then?

Watch you get old and die.

That's what I'm looking forward to.

Oh, so it's my fault.

Ain't it always genius?

For your information, I only made one big mistake

in my entire life.

And I wake up next to it every morning.

Oh, yeah?

Well, being married to you all these years

has been like that movie Troy, one long piece of crap.

Anytime you want to call it quits, sweetheart,

just say the word.

Word!

Word!

Word!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[KNOCKING]

Hey, Bob, how things looking in the engine room?

I'm trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again,

but our fuel rods are damaged beyond repair.

Did you try jiggling them?

It's no use.

I scanned the other alien ship over the ridge.

They're even in worse shape.

They can't even get AM radio.

But the good news is, their fuel rods are still

intact.

See for yourself.

Ah, well, we better go get them if we

want to get off this godforsaken planet.

Let's just hope they're dead.

Chode.

Well, it's a lot easier to steal from two dead grays

than from two loudmouth living ones.

Can't argue with that logic.

Chode, a newspaper.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BELL RINGING]

[GUN COCKS]

Geez, look at this.

Iggy was just as unfunny back then as he is today.

It appears to be a nice, friendly town.

[GUNFIRE]

[GUNFIRE]

[GROANING]

[GUNFIRE]

What do we do?

What do we do?

I don't know.

Play dead?

Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

We don't have a choice.

Just do as I say.

I don't like your tone.

This is exactly what Dr. Ludlow was talking about,

your bossy.

Ah, shut your piehole, woman.

Save that kind of talk for your whore.

You didn't think I knew about that.

Play dead, now.

[GASP]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I knew there were aliens.

This is going to get me a general star.

[SCREAMING]

Yowza.

How the hell are we supposed to get in there?

Hey, how about we get Bob to blow open the gates with

the ship's

photon torpedoes?

That's subtle.

Whip, if we go in there and take the place by storm,

we'll change the course of history,

affecting the entire space time continuum,

thus changing everything that happens in the future.

Give him some credit.

At least the kid's trying, even if it

isn't an idiotic, harebrained idea that just shows

how dumb the Porschmuck is.

T'nook, I'd like to ask you in the future

not to jump to my defense if you can help it.

Well, whatever we think of doesn't

have to be too complex.

Remember, these are the same Earth people that later

changed their constitution to make Arnold Schwarzenegger

president.

And you know what happened after that.

[GROANING]

Huh?

[GROANING]

This is just great.

You and your insurance scam.

Yeah, well, we wouldn't have needed it

if you hadn't maxed out every one of my credit cards.

Oh, so this is my fault.

10 grand to get your eyes done?

I did it for you.

Not that you'd ever notice.

You were too busy out with the boys

rectally probing all those young hotties

at your crop circle jerks.

We were measuring their intelligence levels.

News flash.

They don't have brains in their asses.

You're such an idiot.

Do you know what you're talking about, ever?

Good old you folks, you'll witness the weather

balloon.

Please make a single line, and you'll all

get a chance to make your statement.

This may take a while, so if any of you

need to use the bathroom, it's down the hall.

[HUMMING]

You're going to be OK, sir.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation

for what you think you saw.

[SIGHS]

I'm the only one who works around here.

All you do is shop.

The brain that you had here had to stick to here.

You know why?

Because you're an idiot.

To get away from you in that nagging mouth of yours,

I'll give you half of everything I got.

Let me think.

What's half and nothing?

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot.

Mr. President, I assure you I have full control

of the situation.

I plan on keeping a full lid on this investigation

by debriefing each and every witness personally.

Ms. Waters, please send in the first group.

Hello, Colonel.

What the hell is that?

Well, the ancient Cherokee name for it is, uh, you

want a poke key.

But I believe you white people call it vagina.

No, I mean the thing next to it.

Huh?

Oh, that, uh, shaved buffalo.

This is never going to work.

It has to.

It's the only way to get in there.

Oh, my.

I'm underneath an entire platoon of soldiers.

Teams do come true.

Don't ask, don't tell.

So you see, Chief, what you and the little Mrs.

actually saw was nothing more than a weather balloon.

There's something wrong with this picture.

Look at the shadows on the weather balloon here,

though there's not a cloud in the sky.

And these mountains in the background aren't New

Mexico

at all, but Arizona.

I see your wife here has quite an active imagination.

Yeah, you're not kidding.

You should hear the thing she wants me to stick in

her wig,

Blom.

Yes, well, unless you both want

to be carried off to the loony bin, or worse,

if I were you, I'd put away any more crazy notions

about flying saucers.

Yeah, because everyone knows there's

no such thing as aliens.

Exactly.

My advice to you is to forget about all this nonsense

and go--

Open a casino?

No, of course not.

What a ridiculous idea.

What would Indians know about gambling?

I had no idea how the mind has the ability

to play tricks on you.

You're right.

It was just a weather balloon.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

These flying saucers are stunning.

I wonder if they make cups to match.

I think a sled like this would be awesome to drive.

Kind of like a Frisbee with speed.

Yes, well, according to reports,

this saucer scored less than poor in breaking airbags

and fuel economy.

Maybe.

But listen to the dope sound system.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

DJ, go, go.

DJ, go, go.

DJ, go, go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, this better be a victory dance.

Where are the fuel rods?

We're just about done, Uncle Chode.

All I gotta do is override the security codes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNAP]

Huh?

Step away from the saucer now.

Duh.

[GRUNTS]

Like I'm going to do now.

I said, step away from the saucer.

That's not good.

What do you mean, that's not good?

Apparently, the grays have an anti-theft system in

place.

That's it.

Give me a crowbar.

[GUNSHOTS]

OK.

Now you're just pissing me off.

Step away now, or I will self-discard.

This system is fail-safe, Uncle Chode.

Unless we get the security code from the grays,

we're going to be stuck on Earth forever.

And dead grays tell no tale.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRACKING]

Miss Autopsy will tell us everything

we need to know for the president.

And then we can ship the remaining body pieces

to Area 51 for further study.

And remember--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUNSHOTS]

Hey, guess what big shot's going to be on the wrong

end

of an anal probe this time?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

The colonel wants you to wait till the cameras are

set up.

My time is valuable.

Doesn't he know I left a golf game for this?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh.

The pain that evil Earthling was about to inflict on

me.

Not to mention he was sure to find the keys to the

saucer.

You stuck the keys up your ass.

I don't have any pockets.

I know things are looking a little grim at the moment,

but there's got to be a way out of this.

Is this the part where you asked me to start

mixing up the Kool-Aid?

Make sure it's diet.

I'm marching my waist.

OK.

I'm LinkedIn to Bob's database.

According to Earthling conspiracy websites,

this is about the time the grays were being autopsied.

Captain, I just picked up two alien heartbeats

in the autopsy room.

I should have known.

Those two saucer heads are faking it.

All right, six, let's roll.

But first, whip.

I'm going to need you to run back to the ship,

go to my closet, top shelf, and bring it back here

as fast as you can.

And whatever you do, whip, don't judge.

[APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

Just a minute, Doctor.

The president is on his way.

He wants to personally witness this autopsy.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

How dare you touch a lady there?

Lady?

How the hell was I supposed to know?

You two look exactly alike to me.

Oh, yeah, right.

If I had a nickel for every guy who used that line

to cop a free field, I'd be a millionaire.

Listen to me, you little faker.

You're going to give me the security codes for your

saucer,

or I'm going to chop you two up into bite-sized Mars

bars.

Marvin, open your eyes.

They know we're not dead.

First you rear-end this, then you molest my wife.

Now you're going to steal our spaceship?

We need your fuel cells to restore power to our ship.

What's in it for us?

Estelle, shut up and let me do the talking.

What's in it for us?

Well, first off, bud, you don't get this giant rubber

fist probed up your fanny pack.

We don't scare that easily.

That's what she thinks.

You want the codes, you got the codes.

Just take us with you.

Deal.

The president just touched down.

Please, we're questioning to view the alien canaver

as prior to the autopsy.

I got what you wanted, Uncle Chode.

You really are kinky.

Hey, hey, I thought I told you not to judge.

No question about it, Mr. President.

What I have on my hands is the first alien discovery

on Earth.

But rest assured, my staff has done a remarkable job

in shutting up every eyewitness.

That BS about a weather balloon was priceless.

Never underestimate the gullibility

of the American voting public.

Look at me.

I'm about as qualified to be president as a hat salesman.

Oh, that's right.

I was a hat salesman.

Mr. President, the press is ready to officially

call this incident a hoax so as not

to create national hysteria.

I see big things ahead for you, General.

Mr. President, members of your staff,

this is indeed a moment for the annals of history,

proving once and for all, there is life in outer

space.

Carry on, Private.

Private.

No, that wasn't so hard, was it?

Now all you gotta do is drive us back to our ship

and we'll be out of your hands.

Can someone crack a window?

It's boiling back here.

It's called menopause, Estelle.

Don't start with me, Marvin.

You're with you to put a sock in it.

It's aliens like you that give us all a bad name.

Back to the future.

We made it.

Alrighty then.

Where do you two love birds want to be beamed?

I don't care.

Anywhere in the universe where she isn't.

My s*** ears need a rest.

Yeah, well my eyes need a rest.

From looking at that ugly kisser of yours.

At least my kisser comes free of charge.

You know what the Botox alone on your mug has sent me

back?

I don't mean to interrupt here.

But did you ever consider it might be a good idea

if you took yourselves on a nice vacation

where you can reconnect and work through your

differences?

I suppose she's got a point.

What would it hurt, darling?

How about the place we first met?

That little beach of crab nebulae.

Right. So you can get plastered on the beach

and oogle anything in a bikini?

I always wanted to go to Alpha Centauri.

With the rates this time of year?

Why don't I just declare bankruptcy?

Relax, you cheap bastard.

You still haven't settled with Chode

for rear-ending us in the first place.

That's true.

Beam them to the nearest space station now.

Will do.

You haven't heard the last of us!

Well, in a bet, man, those two grifters really

deserve one another.

I wonder one day if they'll ever be happy.

Doubtful. The only thing that'll put a smile on those

two pusses

is their next big score.

[music]

[music]

I'm going to need a picture ID.

Of course.

Terrible photo.

Aren't they always?

(upbeat music)