Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

If I could turn back time.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Why did you bring me to this awful place?

Because it's guys nine out.

And you're about the closest thing to a guy I've got.

Well, except for tonight.

But I pretty much can't stand her.

Can I get you something?

What would you recommend?

Sex on the beach.

Oh, my.

I'm married.

Yes, you see, I just took off the ring to get her to

praise.

I forgot sex.

You're not after your rotten pistons.

It's a drink.

Oh, silly me.

Well, I really want to have sex with you on the beach.

Well, I'm just not a sad person.

That's what it is.

You suck.

Leave me alone.

She wasn't my type.

Why?

Because you had a vagina.

For the last time, I am not gay.

Oh, my gosh, we're missing Oprah.

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You'd think I mentioned E.F. Hutton.

No, it's OK, folks.

He's just drunk off his ass.

Don't follow me.

Hey, show.

Why don't you join us?

My son was 11 when he hit his first home run.

Adam didn't hit a home run until he was 12.

But then again, that was with Howard's daughter and

me,

backseat of a convertible.

My daughter's such a whore.

[LAUGHTER]

So, Chow, how's that nephew of yours?

Pip, is it?

Whip.

Whip.

He's, uh, great.

The kid can catch flies like nobody's business.

Unnatural.

Really?

Let's get him on the baseball team.

I can't.

Why not?

The-- so he catches actual flies,

you know, bugs.

[LAUGHTER]

On the bright side, he can get a summer job as a bug

zapper.

Biggest, I've been getting the best of old Chow

since we were born.

It's only natural that my boy does the same thing to

his.

What's so great about Adam 12?

Other than being a chip off the old block,

well, he may be the best athlete I've ever seen.

Runs in the jeans, handed down from generation to

generation.

Like his small penis.

He gets that from his mother.

I've just entered him in the intergalactic X Games.

Oh, what's that?

Spaceboarding.

How about Skip, you signing him up?

Or don't they have a contest for pest control?

Actually, he's a pretty good spaceporter himself.

He wasn't going to bother with the X Games.

He had no competition.

But if your son's looking for a butt-wuppin' whip,

we'll be happy to give him one.

See, you're not the only one with athletic jeans to

hand down.

Thanks to his uncle, Chode, he's got

the hand-eye coordination of a finely-tuned cyborg.

[SCREAMING]

I'm sorry.

Really, I'm sorry.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Whip!

[SCREAMING]

If I was supposed to do it, I'll do it in a minute.

It's done.

Relax.

I'm not here to yell at you.

Gus, quick!

Get your medical bag.

Charles, having a mental breakdown.

I'm fine.

I have a gift for Whip.

What's a big deal?

You bought a gift for someone who wasn't you?

Gus, hurry!

It's worse than I thought.

[GASPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, Uncle Chode.

That is so cool.

I noticed your old one was getting, well, a little

old, so.

Hey, I'm just trying to show the lizard

a little appreciation for everything he does around

here.

But you're always saying he doesn't do anything.

I knew if he just kept at it, his lack of hard work

would pay off.

Whip, what do you say?

We take this puppy out to the space park for a little

test

drive.

[GRUNTING]

All the strain of you guys--

and this is a hilarious stupid.

He could be a danger to himself or others.

Which end does this go in?

What you get the hell off me?

Hurry!

If I find out this has been someone's ass,

you're going into a recycle bin.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[SCREAMING]

Check him out.

Whip is actually good at something.

Who you?

Thanks, Uncle Chode.

I'm having a great time.

No, you're a natural kid.

Hey, you ever thought about competing?

I hear there's some kind of games coming up.

The intergalactic X games?

Oh, is that what they're called?

Yeah.

What do you think about entering?

Nah, competition isn't my thing, you know?

I'll be your best friend.

I got friends.

Yeah, but you don't have girlfriends.

Think of all the babes you could get.

They love jocks.

Check it out.

[BELLS RINGING]

Uncle Chode, that's not a girl.

That's Tanook.

Beggars can't be choosers.

No one's that poor.

Then can I appeal to your sense of family duty?

I'm the only family you've known since your core of a

mother

dumped you off on the first poor schmuck that agreed

to watch

you while she went out for cigarettes.

I'll do it, Uncle Chode, for you.

Good boy.

You're like the son I never wanted.

Ah, head, I mean.

Now get out there and practice.

We've got 16 hours before the park closes.

Sucker.

Why all the pressure to compete?

Because he's going to wet the floor with that jerk's

kit.

Time for a little payback.

Commander Adams been getting the best of me

as far back as I can remember.

And now this year's finalists of the Black Hole

Beautiful Baby Contest.

Nice dress.

Hey, I may be wearing sissy clothes,

but I'm still going to kick your ass.

The trophy's mine, baby.

Oh, yeah?

You hungry?

Get a load of these milk melons.

Puppy's.

And here they are.

[APPLAUSE]

Puppy's.

[LAUGHTER]

[ROARING]

[GROANING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa, the kids got skills.

Hey, Twill, looks like you've got some competition.

Dad, give it a rest, will ya?

You know, I came over here to make a little friendly

wager

with you and our kids, but now that I see him--

No, friendly wager, huh?

No, it wouldn't be right.

Ooh, sounds like somebody's a little El Boyoloco.

[MUMBLING]

Gosh, I don't know.

All right, you're on.

Oh, pink slips?

That'd be great, except I am the shining star of the

fleet.

And well, if you park yours in the street on trash

day,

they dump its contents in the garbage truck.

That's actually happened twice.

How about Gus?

No.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

I'll have what he's having.

You put up six and we've got a bet.

Six for your ship?

Now who's chicken?

Chooed?

You got a deal.

[SIGHS]

No.

Damn it, boy, you're going to win.

I know it.

If I forget to tell you later, thank you.

Hey, you know something?

This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

The beginning?

I've known you all my life.

Yeah, but this is the first time I'm willing to admit

it.

What the hell was that?

What?

That.

Oh, that's Adam 12.

I hope I can be that good someday.

You got a week.

You might as well give up now and save the boy the

embarrassment.

Why the long faces, gentlemen?

'Cause Whip here has to win the space board

competition and these sucks.

Hey.

It's not that you suck.

It's that you are clearly subaltern to the best in

the competition.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds better

than sucks.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Whip.

I guess I should have gotten out my thesaurus and

looked up, uh, not good enough to carry

the other guy's jock strap and used a word you wouldn't

understand to spare your feelings.

Oh, that'd be great.

Then go look up loser and get back to me.

You men in your sports, it's just a game.

Get over it.

Just stay out of this, will you?

Why don't you tell her why he has to win?

Neither will I not.

Tell me what?

Nothing really.

You know, I have this little side bet going on now

and I'm probably going to lose something

I'd rather not, but you bet.

What did you shut the hell up?

It's nothing, okay?

If Whip loses, Commander Adam wins you.

You know when I've got something big and juicy, I can't

keep my mouth shut.

Wow, Gus, do you listen to yourself?

That was too gay for Will and Grace.

Oh, shut up.

If anyone's gay around here, it's you.

You're the one that has your ass waxed.

Enough.

Back it up.

You wizard me?

[MIMICS SORRY]

Sort of.

Yeah?

I don't understand.

I thought I meant something to you.

Explain to me how you could let this happen.

You are getting sleepy.

You will forget all about my bet.

Drop to your knees and open your mouth.

Shod, stop it.

I can't believe you.

When did you plan on telling me?

Well, if Whip won, never.

Why?

Look, I never would have bet you if I thought I was

going to lose.

But you are going to lose?

Pretty much, yeah.

Then get over there and get out of this thing now.

Five Kronix says he's faking the trance.

Well, well, well.

Shod.

You look like a man who finally got to the punchline

and figured out he was the joke.

You didn't come here to welch on our bet, did you?

No.

No.

No, but now that you bring it up, taking your ship

wouldn't, you know, it just wouldn't be right.

I mean, you've got the seat and mirrors adjusted.

Just how you like them, I'd be taking advantage of

you.

Why would I feel taken advantage of, unless I was,

hmm, you?

Twelve and his new coach are working on a 1,080

degree McTwist.

Anybody that pulls that off will win the competition.

Nobody's landed that air, but Tony Hawk.

Let me introduce you to the coach.

Tony Hawk, sucker.

Sucker, Tony Hawk.

Well, a fifth generation clone, but same difference.

Adam Francis Shacknell?

Crap, it's my wife.

At cool.

Adam, I'm talking to you.

Hello, Mrs. Shacknell.

Save it, you little Eddie Haskell wannabes.

What time were you supposed to be home?

Uh, when the street lights came on.

I have Alejandro in ten minutes and I need you to

watch the Brats.

Alejandro?

My golf pro.

But it's dark.

How are you gonna play golf in the-

That's none of your business.

Adam 12, get in the car.

Mom, that wants me to-

Ow!

Wow, that dude is whipped.

Not in a good way like a dominatrix.

Too much information?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did everything I could, but he isn't letting

me back out.

He needs you too much.

That Nancy makes the alien from Alien look like Carol

Brady.

This woman may be the biggest bitch I've ever seen.

Okay, the second biggest.

You know, why didn't you two just whip him out and

see who's was bigger?

He won't go for it. The dude practically hasn't any.

Really?

Maybe you should be figuring out a way to win.

I know how to win.

Whip has to do a 1080 McTwist.

[laughing]

Then tell him to do it.

It's impossible.

Tell him.

Hey, buddy.

I mean, we were wondering if you could do a 1080 McTwist.

No.

And to tell you the truth, Uncle Cho, this whole

practice stuff is getting really lame.

Plus, the other guys keep teasing me about Gus.

Hey girls, yeah? The Whipster's on the move.

He's back again at Outer Proof. We're number one, so

take a seat.

Sit back and feel the Whipster's heat. H-O-T. He's

hot.

[whooshing]

God, stop it right now!

And whip. Get out there and do the damn trick.

I don't care how. Just do it.

This isn't a Nike commercial, Cho. He needs help.

You expect the world from him, but have you coached

him?

What? Like that mustache Romanian guy who hugs

tiddy gymnast, and leotard?

'Cause if that's what you want, you can hug him

yourself.

Yeah!

No. Be a real coach.

It's the only chance we got to win your bet with

Commander Adam.

What? You bet Commander Adam that I'd beat Adam 12?

And if you don't, he wins six.

Oh, I can't take this pressure. I'm outta here.

Whip, come here.

[whispering]

Okay, Whips agreed to give it a shot, but he can't do

it alone.

Cho'd, you have to mold him into a top-notch athlete

and fast.

You need to look to someone with impeccable

credentials to teach you how to coach.

Hmm. I know just the guy.

Bobby Knight!

[groaning]

Get out of my face!

Thanks for playing like a the--

No, I don't give a-- when you-- all stink!

Stomp your f--king wallet and grow a set of f--king--

These are f--king motivational genius.

Help me, Kobe Ron. You are my only hope.

Help me, Kobe Ron. You are my only hope.

If you'd all like it, you can climb back into your

mummies.

And spade a f--k there, you f--king--

The man's a poet.

[whistle]

All right, you mother f--k.

You're gonna eat, sleep, and f--k the 1080 McTwist.

Startin' now.

Yeah! I said now!

[laughing]

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

Right now, I wanna see it right now. Come on. Come on,

let's see it.

I wanna see it. I wanna see it right now.

Hey, you look-oak!

[laughing]

James, stop this crazy thing!

Touch it, you losing.

[laughing]

One more time.

What?

Do it.

Aw.

I think I kinda landed a little funny on that last

run.

My leg hurts.

Now walk it off. It'll be fine.

I can't feel my ankle.

Well, I can.

[gasping]

I'll be fine. I'm a lizard. It'll regenerate.

Not fast enough.

We can rebuild them. We have the technology.

Duck tape.

Look, Six, good as new.

Okay, Uncle Chote, I'm ready.

Chote, I don't know if he should do this.

Mm-mm. Looks solid to me.

So let's get out there and kick some ass.

You're a sunk.

It won't be the same here without you.

Mm-mm.

I know it must have been tough there living in my

shadow,

but you were the wind beneath my-

Stop it. I'm not giving up.

We'll just have to come up with a plan B.

[cheering]

Well, well, well.

Looks like blips out of the competition.

Son, seems Daddy's got himself a new whore.

Yes, well, pardon my use of the vernacular when I

remind you.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

Ta-da!

It won't be a stylish village.

I can't afford a carriage,

but y'all look sweet upon the seat

of a bicycle-built mortar.

[grunting]

[groaning]

Me and you, Adam, best man wins.

Why should I when my son'll wipe the floor with you?

So what you're saying is, your son is the best man?

Dad, if I win, shouldn't she be my whore?

No. 12th nose, I can mop the floor with him.

Any sport, any time.

Uh, Dad, no, you can't.

[laughing]

Give me the damn board!

You think you're better than me?

Huh? Huh?

You're on, Chode. You want the best man?

You've got him.

[cheering]

Oh, crap!

I guess Junior really is a chip off the old block.

Well, six, I do just about anything to keep you,

but I can't do this.

Chode, listen, if you think you're beaten, you are.

If you think you can't, you won't.

Believe in yourself, Chode.

[groaning]

Nice try, but I'm not falling for that Tony Robbins

crap.

Chode, every man has his own destiny.

Well, my destiny's leading me to second place.

And this time it's gonna cost me the most important.

Oh, you know, it looks like Jeannie has a new major,

Nelson.

Well then, I guess this is goodbye, Chode.

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

All right!

That finally beat you.

I know you wanted to have sex with six,

but me doing her doggie-style bend over your ship's

control panel

is almost the same thing.

Well, let's have it. Come on, fork over the pink slip.

I can't.

Oh, yes you can.

No, I can't see the ship.

It's an entity thing.

What?

You'll have to ask her for it.

I tell you to pick up my dry cleaning

and you're here racing around an intergalactic X-game?

Chode has something to ask you.

Take a picture of the last longer, you three-eyed

piece of purple pond scum.

You know what? We're good.

Well, I didn't get a ship, but I got something better.

I beat him.

I beat him all by myself.

He's not better than me.

I just had to believe it for it to be true.

So, six, pay up.

Uncle Chode won the bet.

What's he talking about?

Well, when he was gonna quit,

I promised him a little incentive to hang in there.

What did you promise him?

Look at the old love bubbles.

Cute.

Great. It wasn't the coaching, it was the coaching.

But I still beat the jerk by myself, didn't I?

Of course. Don't be silly.

So, where's the big trophy that was going to make

your life complete?

Whip's got it.

Really? That is one of the most unselfish gestures I've

ever witnessed.

I'm proud of you.

Yeah, what you said?

Uncle Chode, I finished polishing your trophy, just

like you told me.

Chode?

You're right. I can't take that trophy from you.

Until you get that spot you missed.

Talk about sloppy work.

Why do I even bother?

Whaaaat? Whip my boy. There are two great mysteries

in life.

Women, and what the hell was that bird guy on Buck

Rogers in the 25th century?

I liked him. He had a certain je ne sais quoi.

Then Gus's sexual preference, make three.

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