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1
00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:04,692
They can't be that hard
to find.
2
00:00:04,776 --> 00:00:06,694
They're throwing stars
but they're made of wood.
3
00:00:06,778 --> 00:00:08,571
We're in an attic, sir.
There's a lot of wood.
4
00:00:08,655 --> 00:00:10,114
But, like,
George Washington wood.
5
00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:11,241
Cherry. Like his teeth
and left nipple.
6
00:00:11,324 --> 00:00:13,034
Sorry. His left what?
7
00:00:13,117 --> 00:00:15,078
There were some things
he could tell a lie about.
8
00:00:15,161 --> 00:00:17,080
But he could also carve
a throwing star more lethal
9
00:00:17,163 --> 00:00:18,748
than most guns,
10
00:00:18,831 --> 00:00:20,041
which is a perfect point
to make at this seminar
11
00:00:20,124 --> 00:00:21,793
for at-risk youth.
12
00:00:21,876 --> 00:00:23,461
Do at-risk youth
attend a lot of seminars?
13
00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:25,838
Less problematizing,
more robot- eyes'ing.
14
00:00:25,922 --> 00:00:27,549
I thought I'd find
you guys here...
15
00:00:27,632 --> 00:00:29,008
because I surveilled
you entering.
16
00:00:29,092 --> 00:00:30,552
Are those hot wings?
17
00:00:30,635 --> 00:00:32,719
For me, yes. You, no.
Excuse me?
18
00:00:32,804 --> 00:00:34,514
I'm your boss
and the goddamn president.
19
00:00:34,597 --> 00:00:37,267
Executive order, bitch.
Fucking Christ! O'Doyle!
20
00:00:37,350 --> 00:00:39,477
These would kill you, sir.
21
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,312
My half-leprechaun stomach
can digest molten metals.
22
00:00:41,396 --> 00:00:44,065
My male brain can only hear
that as a challenge!
23
00:00:44,148 --> 00:00:46,150
I understand what you mean,
but it doesn't apply to this.
24
00:00:46,234 --> 00:00:48,570
It's actual poison.
Must...eat...
25
00:00:48,653 --> 00:00:50,321
lethal...chicken.
26
00:00:50,405 --> 00:00:52,657
Garbage. See?
27
00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:54,784
It's garbage now.
That's true.
28
00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,411
I can't eat
out of the garbage.
29
00:00:56,494 --> 00:00:58,037
That would be less alpha.
Whoa.
30
00:00:58,121 --> 00:01:01,624
$15 million from Jefferson
to Napoleon for...
31
00:01:01,708 --> 00:01:03,376
Louisiana? Damn, Banks.
32
00:01:03,459 --> 00:01:05,545
You found the receipt
for the Louisiana Purchase?
33
00:01:05,628 --> 00:01:07,880
People have been asking to see
this for 200 years.
34
00:01:07,964 --> 00:01:09,799
All French people,
but still.
35
00:01:09,882 --> 00:01:11,509
Wait, we bought Louisiana
from France?
36
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:12,635
Oh!
37
00:01:12,719 --> 00:01:14,762
I just now got the accent.
38
00:01:14,846 --> 00:01:16,806
Huh-huh-huh!
39
00:01:16,889 --> 00:01:18,516
So I didn't go to college.
40
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:19,934
Or grade school?
41
00:01:20,018 --> 00:01:21,060
Is that where you learned
to be mean?!
42
00:01:21,144 --> 00:01:22,353
Not just Louisiana, O'Doyle.
43
00:01:22,437 --> 00:01:23,896
It was the whole territory.
44
00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:25,690
How big, Banks?
Like half of America?
45
00:01:25,773 --> 00:01:27,775
15 states.
Damn!
46
00:01:27,859 --> 00:01:29,444
Those are
state-sized states, too.
47
00:01:29,527 --> 00:01:31,070
They may have invented sex,
48
00:01:31,154 --> 00:01:32,572
but that's the day
France got royally...
49
00:01:32,655 --> 00:01:33,905
You almost sound
proud of it.
50
00:01:33,990 --> 00:01:35,158
I can't root
for the home team?
51
00:01:35,241 --> 00:01:36,701
You know
what Jefferson said --
52
00:01:36,784 --> 00:01:37,869
"Desperate times make
for great deals."
53
00:01:37,952 --> 00:01:39,829
What's this part
down here?
54
00:01:39,911 --> 00:01:41,414
Looks like Napoleon scribbled
a little somethin'-somethin'.
55
00:01:41,497 --> 00:01:42,999
"Oh, and one more thing --
56
00:01:43,082 --> 00:01:44,459
You are forbidden
from entering the cave
57
00:01:44,542 --> 00:01:45,960
in the third Rocky Mountain."
58
00:01:46,044 --> 00:01:47,503
It's initialed
by Jefferson.
59
00:01:47,587 --> 00:01:49,672
Third from the left?
Third rockiest?
60
00:01:49,756 --> 00:01:50,965
Third mountainest?
Good thing we'll never know.
61
00:01:51,048 --> 00:01:52,508
It's forbidden.
62
00:01:52,592 --> 00:01:54,218
So you root
for the home team,
63
00:01:54,302 --> 00:01:56,012
but you're okay being told
by a foreign dictator
64
00:01:56,095 --> 00:01:57,889
there's a part of your country
you're not allowed in?
65
00:01:57,972 --> 00:01:59,766
I'm not allowed in a lot
of the country, Banks.
66
00:01:59,849 --> 00:02:02,101
Pilot lounges. The actual horse
part of the horse track.
67
00:02:02,185 --> 00:02:03,770
Everyone's home.
68
00:02:03,853 --> 00:02:05,688
My job is to leave the stuff
that's working alone.
69
00:02:05,772 --> 00:02:07,440
It's called respecting
the legacy of --
70
00:02:07,523 --> 00:02:10,652
George Washington's
throwing stars!
71
00:02:10,735 --> 00:02:13,404
Ooh! There's one
for each original colony!
72
00:02:13,488 --> 00:02:16,824
Delaware! Virginia!
Rhode Island! Damn.
73
00:02:16,908 --> 00:02:20,244
The only thing those youths are
at risk of is losing their shit.
74
00:02:51,901 --> 00:02:53,486
What's up, guys?
I'm Amil Bhattam.
75
00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:54,862
And today
we're getting to the bottom
76
00:02:54,946 --> 00:02:56,656
of Lincoln's hat.
77
00:02:56,739 --> 00:02:58,574
More specifically,
the groundswell of support
78
00:02:58,658 --> 00:03:01,119
to add a top hat to Lincoln's
head on Mount Rushmore.
79
00:03:01,202 --> 00:03:02,912
First up,
we got Senator Hapkins,
80
00:03:02,995 --> 00:03:05,248
primary sponsor
of the 4-score bill,
81
00:03:05,331 --> 00:03:06,457
as well as Martin Popple,
82
00:03:06,541 --> 00:03:08,376
leader
of the Hats Off movement.
83
00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:10,211
Sarah, why exactly do you want
to add
84
00:03:10,294 --> 00:03:12,338
a 20-story granite hat
to Lincoln's head?
85
00:03:12,422 --> 00:03:13,965
Well, it was Lincoln
who once said,
86
00:03:14,048 --> 00:03:16,634
"Give me a hat
with such strength of brim,
87
00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:18,636
the whole world can rest
peacefully and dine."
88
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:19,971
Which is, of course,
why we're adding
89
00:03:20,054 --> 00:03:21,514
a rotating restaurant
to the brim.
90
00:03:21,597 --> 00:03:23,099
Oh-kayy.
Sarah is clearly
91
00:03:23,182 --> 00:03:25,350
just spouting
Hatter propaganda.
Ha!
92
00:03:25,435 --> 00:03:27,478
Oh, so we should pretend
Lincoln didn't have a hat?
93
00:03:27,562 --> 00:03:29,230
You're defacing
a national monument
94
00:03:29,313 --> 00:03:31,232
to sell hat merch and
beard-shaped beignets!
95
00:03:31,315 --> 00:03:32,483
Lincoln would hate you!
96
00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,444
He would hate yo--
97
00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:36,070
Another moment alone with my
thoughts successfully avoided.
98
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:41,117
Alright, Banks.
Be on alert. Head on a swivel.
99
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,451
It's up to you,
and only you,
100
00:03:42,535 --> 00:03:44,036
to figure out
what the French are hid--
101
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,372
Oh, come on, guys!
What the fuck?
102
00:03:46,456 --> 00:03:48,666
- Oh, hey, Banks.
- Your stealth game is weak.
103
00:03:48,749 --> 00:03:50,042
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
104
00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:52,044
I thought you wanted
to leave this alone!
105
00:03:52,128 --> 00:03:53,671
And I thought you'd listen to
me, but, of course, you didn't.
106
00:03:53,755 --> 00:03:54,630
O'Doyle saw you putting on
the squirrel suit
107
00:03:54,713 --> 00:03:55,465
in the locker room.
108
00:03:55,548 --> 00:03:56,924
You ratted on me?!
109
00:03:57,008 --> 00:03:58,301
We did a whole thing
about that last week.
110
00:03:58,384 --> 00:03:59,719
We resolved it.
111
00:03:59,802 --> 00:04:01,596
Yeah,
but I still owed you a rat-out.
112
00:04:01,679 --> 00:04:02,972
Now we're even.
He's the one who keeps
cutting the doughnuts
113
00:04:03,055 --> 00:04:04,348
into pieces
in the break room.
114
00:04:04,432 --> 00:04:06,017
You dick! Back to not even!
O'Doyle!
115
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,560
Either eat it or don't.
116
00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:09,353
Stop trying to turn
a doughnut into a pizza.
117
00:04:09,437 --> 00:04:10,438
Besides, Banks,
look around.
118
00:04:10,521 --> 00:04:11,898
There's nothing here
119
00:04:11,981 --> 00:04:13,691
but etchings
of shoulders and ankles.
120
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,526
It was probably just
Napoleon's jerk-off cave.
121
00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:16,694
Look out!
122
00:04:22,408 --> 00:04:23,493
C'est moi, Napoleon.
123
00:04:23,576 --> 00:04:25,119
What in the hell?
124
00:04:25,203 --> 00:04:27,038
I guess Napoleon was
into One-Eyed Willy tech?
125
00:04:27,121 --> 00:04:29,123
"It's me, Napoleon.
126
00:04:29,207 --> 00:04:31,751
You thought you screwed us,
but we screwed you.
127
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:35,213
You broke our agreement, so I
am declaring Frontier Forfeit."
128
00:04:35,296 --> 00:04:37,215
What's Frontier Forfeit?
"A well-known law
129
00:04:37,298 --> 00:04:39,467
that allows the seller
to reclaim their land
130
00:04:39,550 --> 00:04:40,718
after a contract breach.
131
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,386
That's right, Jefferson.
132
00:04:42,470 --> 00:04:44,096
I am taking back
the Louisiana Territory.
133
00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:46,098
And you can't stop me,
because you'll be dead.
134
00:04:46,182 --> 00:04:46,974
Syphilis bomb!"
135
00:04:54,023 --> 00:04:56,651
Anti-syphilis pill?
Anti-syphilis pill?
136
00:04:56,734 --> 00:04:58,277
So Napoleon tried
to kill Jefferson
137
00:04:58,361 --> 00:04:59,821
and take back
the territory?
138
00:04:59,904 --> 00:05:01,572
Wow, the guy
who conquered all of Europe
139
00:05:01,656 --> 00:05:03,199
tried to reclaim land
and kill a guy.
140
00:05:03,282 --> 00:05:04,992
Move over, Watergate!
141
00:05:05,076 --> 00:05:06,619
Should we destroy the evidence,
sir?
142
00:05:06,702 --> 00:05:08,579
What? No. That would actually
make it feel like Watergate.
143
00:05:08,663 --> 00:05:11,290
I don't know what that is.
144
00:05:11,374 --> 00:05:14,252
Okay, big deal. So I didn't see
one Kevin Costner movie.
145
00:05:14,335 --> 00:05:16,170
You mean "Waterworld"?
Whatever. Let's bail.
146
00:05:16,254 --> 00:05:17,672
And, O'Doyle,
pack up one
147
00:05:17,755 --> 00:05:19,131
of those ankle etchings
for my, uh...
148
00:05:19,215 --> 00:05:20,716
personal collection.
149
00:06:48,220 --> 00:06:49,055
IT'S TIME.
150
00:06:51,057 --> 00:06:52,308
LONG LIVE NAPOLEON!
151
00:06:52,391 --> 00:06:55,311
Sir, I know I can be an even
better Secret Service agent
152
00:06:55,394 --> 00:06:56,646
now that I'm a werewolf.
153
00:06:56,728 --> 00:06:58,064
I've got the tech,
I've got the drive.
154
00:06:58,147 --> 00:06:59,732
We tried
to make you a part of the team
155
00:06:59,815 --> 00:07:01,567
and you ate a guy's leg!
But not his head!
156
00:07:01,651 --> 00:07:03,694
That has to count
for something!
157
00:07:03,778 --> 00:07:06,656
Sir, I have Marc Luc de Bergeron
on the line.
158
00:07:06,739 --> 00:07:09,825
He's the head of France's Real
Estate Acquisitions Department.
159
00:07:09,909 --> 00:07:11,786
Real Estate Acquisitions?
160
00:07:12,995 --> 00:07:14,163
This is President Curtis.
161
00:07:14,246 --> 00:07:16,165
What can I do for you, Marc Luc?
162
00:07:16,248 --> 00:07:19,543
A great question, Mr. President.
What can you do for us?
163
00:07:19,627 --> 00:07:22,171
I just wanted to notify you
that France is...
164
00:07:22,254 --> 00:07:24,632
interested in American land.
165
00:07:24,715 --> 00:07:27,426
In case we should need
legal...documentation --
166
00:07:27,510 --> 00:07:30,054
Sorry. Connection bad.
What the hell?
167
00:07:30,137 --> 00:07:31,681
"To legally initiate
Frontier Forfeit,
168
00:07:31,764 --> 00:07:33,182
a representative
of the former seller
169
00:07:33,265 --> 00:07:34,642
must notify
the current landholder --"
170
00:07:34,725 --> 00:07:35,935
Fucking English!
171
00:07:36,018 --> 00:07:37,269
They know we broke
the agreement!
172
00:07:37,353 --> 00:07:39,146
Oh, God damn it!
Wait, Napoleon's dead.
173
00:07:39,230 --> 00:07:40,606
How can he still have
a claim to that land?
174
00:07:40,690 --> 00:07:42,191
His penis.
What?
175
00:07:42,274 --> 00:07:43,943
According to
1800s Napoleonic Code,
176
00:07:44,026 --> 00:07:46,195
all you needed to be
a French citizen was a dick,
177
00:07:46,278 --> 00:07:48,864
so technically,
Napoleon's penis is Napoleon.
178
00:07:48,948 --> 00:07:50,533
It was actually
America's law, too,
179
00:07:50,616 --> 00:07:51,617
until they realized
women live longer than men
180
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:53,035
and, thus, pay more taxes.
181
00:07:53,119 --> 00:07:54,704
- That tracks.
- Wait, they can reclaim
182
00:07:54,787 --> 00:07:56,579
the entire Louisiana Territory
with his penis?
183
00:07:56,664 --> 00:07:58,374
If they bring it
to a U.S. court
184
00:07:58,457 --> 00:08:00,459
and certify it as a citizen,
yeah.
185
00:08:00,543 --> 00:08:02,211
What the fuck, man?
186
00:08:02,294 --> 00:08:04,380
The good news --
His penis is still in the wind.
187
00:08:04,463 --> 00:08:06,048
It passed through black market
art circles in New Orleans
188
00:08:06,132 --> 00:08:08,259
a few years back,
and no one has seen it since.
189
00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:09,552
If it's in the shadows
of Louisiana,
190
00:08:09,635 --> 00:08:11,137
I know a guy
who can find it.
191
00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:12,221
Banks, get the chopper.
192
00:08:12,304 --> 00:08:13,556
O'Doyle, get the cooler.
193
00:08:13,639 --> 00:08:14,849
And, Chomps, don't even ask.
194
00:08:14,932 --> 00:08:16,559
Sir. Let me be a werewolf
for good.
195
00:08:16,642 --> 00:08:18,519
Why? So you can eat
my innocent legs next?
196
00:08:18,602 --> 00:08:20,730
Hell no.
You two, let's roll!
197
00:08:26,736 --> 00:08:28,529
God, I'd hate to
actually be able to see in here.
198
00:08:28,612 --> 00:08:29,530
Shh!
199
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,534
Vampire! Stand back!
200
00:08:33,617 --> 00:08:36,746
I'm gonna eat you
like the cattle you are.
201
00:08:36,829 --> 00:08:39,915
I'll make you pray for sunrise,
you bloodsucking bastard.
202
00:08:42,709 --> 00:08:44,003
Well, we got 'em!
203
00:08:44,086 --> 00:08:45,171
We got them so good!
204
00:08:45,254 --> 00:08:46,505
What the hell?
205
00:08:48,507 --> 00:08:50,760
Don't worry, guys.
This is Salem Montgomery.
206
00:08:50,843 --> 00:08:52,261
These guys have helped
every American president
207
00:08:52,344 --> 00:08:54,305
since Washington.
Be honest.
208
00:08:54,388 --> 00:08:55,890
Did you believe
we were gonna fight?
209
00:08:55,973 --> 00:08:57,058
He texted me to make
sure we got it right.
210
00:08:57,141 --> 00:08:58,726
He texted you
about this?
211
00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:00,644
Monty, we're in a hurry,
so I'll cut to the chase.
212
00:09:00,728 --> 00:09:02,313
We're looking
for Napoleon's penis.
213
00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:05,566
Black market deal, bought
by a very wealthy collector.
214
00:09:05,649 --> 00:09:07,860
Why do you want it?
None of your business, leech.
215
00:09:07,943 --> 00:09:10,154
O'Doyle, don't be a dick.
Just show him the stuff.
216
00:09:10,237 --> 00:09:12,823
Elsie.
217
00:09:12,907 --> 00:09:15,868
An off-grid atheistic sex cult
died in a freak avalanche.
218
00:09:15,951 --> 00:09:18,704
The snow preserved their blood
at a perfect 28 degrees.
219
00:09:18,788 --> 00:09:21,457
We're talking rare,
nondenominational O-negative.
220
00:09:23,751 --> 00:09:25,753
Half now, half after
you help us secure the penis.
221
00:09:25,836 --> 00:09:27,880
You've got yourself a deal,
Andre.
222
00:09:27,963 --> 00:09:28,839
Eat up, boys!
223
00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:35,554
So, they have straws
in their teeth?
What?
224
00:09:35,638 --> 00:09:37,056
I thought they drank blood
with their mouths,
225
00:09:37,139 --> 00:09:39,016
but they're like snakes
with straw teeth?
226
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,228
I was more distracted by their
weird orgasm noises, but yes.
227
00:09:42,311 --> 00:09:43,521
Straw teeth.
228
00:09:43,604 --> 00:09:45,147
Shoot me.
Come on, dummy.
229
00:09:45,231 --> 00:09:47,441
Bet you can't hit me.
You bet me?
230
00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:49,819
With what money?
I bet you'll miss.
231
00:09:49,902 --> 00:09:51,445
Dr. Finch?
232
00:09:51,529 --> 00:09:53,280
Alan Chomps!
Hey, how's the moon collar?
233
00:09:53,364 --> 00:09:54,657
Eh, not great.
234
00:09:54,740 --> 00:09:56,033
I ate
a construction worker's legs.
235
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,035
We were fighting
No shit.
these pod people
236
00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,578
and the wolf in me just...
237
00:09:59,662 --> 00:10:00,996
well, lost track
of who was on our side.
238
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,998
Aw! Assertive Attack Mode.
239
00:10:03,082 --> 00:10:04,375
My old nemesis.
240
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:05,835
See, when a werewolf
senses danger,
241
00:10:05,918 --> 00:10:07,920
its sole drive becomes
protecting the pack,
242
00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:09,380
innocent bystanders
be damned.
243
00:10:09,463 --> 00:10:10,798
Lie down, pal.
244
00:10:10,881 --> 00:10:12,758
I just want to be
a werewolf for good.
245
00:10:12,842 --> 00:10:15,761
Hey, with Finch, you're gonna
be a werewolf for great.
246
00:10:16,887 --> 00:10:19,098
There's your penis,
Mr. President --
247
00:10:19,181 --> 00:10:21,767
inside the private collection
of Armand Russo.
248
00:10:21,851 --> 00:10:23,811
Napoleon's penis is
in his Famous Organs Wing,
249
00:10:23,894 --> 00:10:26,605
next to Tutankhamun's brain
and Bette Davis' eyes.
250
00:10:26,689 --> 00:10:28,524
Why are the lights off?
Are we breaking in?
251
00:10:28,607 --> 00:10:29,900
Oh, of course we are.
Why am I asking?
252
00:10:29,984 --> 00:10:31,986
Because you're a narc
at heart, Banks.
253
00:10:32,069 --> 00:10:33,696
Now hack in and bring
down their security system.
254
00:10:33,779 --> 00:10:35,114
What? Just have
the vampires run in there fast.
255
00:10:35,197 --> 00:10:36,824
Ugh, fine. Monty?
256
00:10:36,907 --> 00:10:38,284
You up for a quick
smash-and-grab?
257
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:39,660
Sorry,
but we need to be invited in.
258
00:10:39,743 --> 00:10:41,120
Oh, my God.
259
00:10:42,788 --> 00:10:44,081
Who the hell is that?!
260
00:10:47,293 --> 00:10:49,545
Vive Napoleon!
Au pénis!
261
00:10:49,628 --> 00:10:50,671
She yelled
"to the penis."
262
00:10:50,754 --> 00:10:51,922
Thanks so much, Banks.
263
00:10:54,884 --> 00:10:56,427
Aaaahh!
264
00:10:59,096 --> 00:11:01,473
See? They don't have a problem
breaking in!
265
00:11:01,557 --> 00:11:03,392
They're working together!
What is this?
266
00:11:03,475 --> 00:11:05,019
Get off my property --
267
00:11:05,102 --> 00:11:05,936
Aghh!
268
00:11:06,020 --> 00:11:07,688
Vive Napoleon!
269
00:11:07,771 --> 00:11:09,190
You three,
go get the penis!
270
00:11:09,273 --> 00:11:10,524
Monty and I
will hold them off!
271
00:11:10,608 --> 00:11:11,942
But, sir,
she's a hemogoblin!
272
00:11:12,026 --> 00:11:13,235
I can hear you, dick!
273
00:11:13,319 --> 00:11:14,862
Just do it!
274
00:11:14,945 --> 00:11:16,989
Elsie, do you want
to come inside? Let's go.
275
00:11:18,908 --> 00:11:20,117
There it is!
276
00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:21,869
Huh-huh! Vive Napoleon!
277
00:11:25,789 --> 00:11:27,249
Ha!
278
00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:28,959
Aah!
279
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,086
Allez!
280
00:11:32,796 --> 00:11:34,381
Ha ha ha ha.
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
281
00:11:37,051 --> 00:11:39,178
Elsie! Damn, girl.
282
00:11:39,887 --> 00:11:41,430
I got it! I got the penis!
283
00:11:41,513 --> 00:11:42,598
Correction --
284
00:11:42,681 --> 00:11:44,225
J'ai le pénis.
285
00:11:47,311 --> 00:11:50,481
Mauvaise conception!
Mauvaise conception!
286
00:11:52,983 --> 00:11:55,319
Pretty quick reflexes
for a piece of shit.
287
00:12:00,324 --> 00:12:02,868
L'Amérique
va plier le genou!
288
00:12:02,952 --> 00:12:04,495
I don't speak French,
but I assume you're saying
289
00:12:04,578 --> 00:12:05,913
I have a small dick!
290
00:12:05,996 --> 00:12:07,414
Aah!
291
00:12:11,877 --> 00:12:13,629
We got it!
We got the penis!
292
00:12:13,712 --> 00:12:15,756
It's over.
The penis is ours.
293
00:12:15,839 --> 00:12:16,840
And so is
the damn territory.
294
00:12:16,924 --> 00:12:18,342
Tie her up, O'Doyle.
295
00:12:18,425 --> 00:12:19,927
And, Monty,
classy, as always.
296
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,637
Really earned the payment
this time.
297
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,222
Indeed, we have.
298
00:12:24,390 --> 00:12:25,766
What's that hiss?
299
00:12:25,849 --> 00:12:27,977
That's the only language
you Americans speak --
300
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:29,561
laser dots and money!
301
00:12:29,645 --> 00:12:31,146
The hell
are you talking about?
302
00:12:31,230 --> 00:12:33,607
Jefferson promised us
free reign in Louisiana
303
00:12:33,691 --> 00:12:35,901
if we helped him secure
the territory.
304
00:12:35,985 --> 00:12:37,820
And then
he Zuckerberg'd us!
305
00:12:37,903 --> 00:12:39,738
Split the land into states
306
00:12:39,822 --> 00:12:42,574
and squished Louisiana
down into this goddamn boot!
307
00:12:42,658 --> 00:12:44,326
We can't even leave
without being invited in
308
00:12:44,410 --> 00:12:46,787
to other states.
309
00:12:46,870 --> 00:12:50,291
Thankfully, Commandant Dulac
made us a better deal.
310
00:12:50,374 --> 00:12:51,542
Un plaisir, Montgomery.
311
00:12:51,625 --> 00:12:53,294
Oh, this is great.
312
00:12:53,377 --> 00:12:55,170
They're also working
with the French?!
313
00:12:55,254 --> 00:12:57,631
We help get this penis
certified in court,
314
00:12:57,715 --> 00:12:59,300
and they'll give us free reign
315
00:12:59,383 --> 00:13:02,052
when Louisiana reverts back
to full size.
316
00:13:02,136 --> 00:13:03,887
We'll eat the tourists
like cattle
317
00:13:03,971 --> 00:13:06,515
and we can finally see
Nebraska!
318
00:13:06,598 --> 00:13:08,225
Monty,
I was counting on you!
319
00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:10,894
Desperate times
make for great deals.
320
00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:11,895
Ugh.
321
00:13:11,979 --> 00:13:13,439
À la victoire!
322
00:13:13,522 --> 00:13:15,024
Ha ha!
323
00:13:16,442 --> 00:13:18,652
Dishonest
moon-tanning sluts!
324
00:13:18,736 --> 00:13:20,696
That is the last time
I text a vampire.
325
00:13:20,779 --> 00:13:21,822
You're right about that.
326
00:13:24,491 --> 00:13:27,745
Before you say anything, I had
no idea about the double cross.
327
00:13:27,828 --> 00:13:29,580
Those guys
don't tell me shit.
328
00:13:29,663 --> 00:13:32,291
Oh, good. The vampire
who's not in the group chat.
329
00:13:32,374 --> 00:13:33,709
Lucky us.
330
00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:37,755
Alright.
That should do it.
331
00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:39,089
I modified your collar with a
short-range Innocence Detector.
332
00:13:39,173 --> 00:13:41,050
What's that?
333
00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:42,843
It's kinda right there
in the name, but okay.
334
00:13:42,926 --> 00:13:44,803
If you try to attack
an innocent being,
335
00:13:44,887 --> 00:13:47,514
the collar will auto-flush
with this werewolf suppressant.
336
00:13:47,598 --> 00:13:50,559
And fun bonus --
It's chicken-and-rice-flavored.
337
00:13:50,642 --> 00:13:52,144
Hold on, I'm getting a call.
338
00:13:52,227 --> 00:13:54,104
It's probably my wife, Nina.
Oh, scratch that.
339
00:13:54,188 --> 00:13:55,647
Second best.
It's the president.
340
00:13:55,731 --> 00:13:57,483
Go for Chomps.
341
00:13:57,566 --> 00:14:00,027
The French got the penis
and vampires betrayed us.
342
00:14:00,110 --> 00:14:01,862
Jefferson screwed us.
What?!
It's a whole thing.
343
00:14:01,945 --> 00:14:04,073
America needs you
to be a werewolf for good.
344
00:14:04,156 --> 00:14:05,783
I will not let you down,
sir.
345
00:14:05,866 --> 00:14:07,618
Great!
Because we're pretty fucked.
346
00:14:08,827 --> 00:14:10,579
Banks, do you have a hairpin
and three pennies?
347
00:14:13,749 --> 00:14:15,376
What the hell
are you doing?
348
00:14:15,459 --> 00:14:17,252
His leprechaun stomach
is like a furnace or something!
349
00:14:17,336 --> 00:14:19,254
It can digest metal
and make cool shit.
350
00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:22,758
Mm...
351
00:14:22,841 --> 00:14:24,385
Brass alloy.
352
00:14:24,468 --> 00:14:26,387
So I can make wood-tipped
bullets for your friends.
353
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:30,015
Is he always this weird?
Usually.
354
00:14:30,099 --> 00:14:31,850
You betrayed
your own people.
355
00:14:31,934 --> 00:14:33,268
To save
your ungrateful ass.
356
00:14:33,352 --> 00:14:34,770
Twice, by the way.
357
00:14:34,853 --> 00:14:36,438
Saved your ass twice,
but who's counting?
358
00:14:36,522 --> 00:14:38,107
You, obviously.
359
00:14:38,190 --> 00:14:39,775
Listen,
if they can throw away loyalties
360
00:14:39,858 --> 00:14:42,236
that easily,
they aren't my people.
361
00:14:44,321 --> 00:14:46,657
I appreciate...
362
00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:48,117
saving...
363
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,660
Just give me the blood.
Please take it.
364
00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:57,793
Hey.
Can I help you guys?
365
00:14:57,876 --> 00:14:59,586
Please, invite us in.
366
00:14:59,670 --> 00:15:01,463
Do you want to come in?
367
00:15:01,547 --> 00:15:02,965
It doesn't work like that.
368
00:15:03,048 --> 00:15:05,300
You need to invite us in
so we can see the judge.
369
00:15:05,384 --> 00:15:07,761
You -- You want the judge
to invite you in?
370
00:15:07,845 --> 00:15:09,179
I mean, sure.
371
00:15:09,263 --> 00:15:10,806
Why would
he come out here?
372
00:15:10,889 --> 00:15:12,474
That's weird.
You're the one who pitched it.
373
00:15:12,558 --> 00:15:15,144
Look, we just need
the judge to slam down his gavel
374
00:15:15,227 --> 00:15:18,272
and declare this penis a citizen
capable of owning land.
375
00:15:18,355 --> 00:15:21,400
Yep, the gavel slam
can do that.
376
00:15:21,483 --> 00:15:23,235
Sorry. Did you want me
to do something?
377
00:15:23,318 --> 00:15:24,903
I'm still confused.
378
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,783
I think you'll find clarity
on your neck.
379
00:15:29,867 --> 00:15:31,743
H-How am I supposed
to look at my own neck?
380
00:15:31,827 --> 00:15:34,830
Huh. Hang on.
No clarity yet.
381
00:15:34,913 --> 00:15:36,707
Alright, ya meat-muncher.
382
00:15:36,790 --> 00:15:37,708
You are good to go.
383
00:15:37,791 --> 00:15:39,209
Ooh, a scratching post!
384
00:15:39,293 --> 00:15:40,711
Oh, also, Dribble has
this show
385
00:15:40,794 --> 00:15:42,421
that just streams raw meat.
386
00:15:42,504 --> 00:15:44,173
Go nuts, big boy.
387
00:15:54,516 --> 00:15:57,186
Oh, man.
Why did you kill the guard?
388
00:15:57,269 --> 00:15:59,438
He brought me outside. I
thought that's what you wanted.
389
00:16:01,273 --> 00:16:02,566
Oh, God, who is that?
390
00:16:02,649 --> 00:16:05,027
People with even less patience
than us.
391
00:16:05,110 --> 00:16:06,778
Ha!
Okay, okay. Geez.
392
00:16:06,862 --> 00:16:09,823
Just give me
the subject in question!
393
00:16:09,907 --> 00:16:11,366
Uh, right.
394
00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:13,952
The court hereby
declares this penis a citizen,
395
00:16:14,036 --> 00:16:15,704
fully capable
of holding land.
396
00:16:15,787 --> 00:16:17,789
In accordance
with outdoor judge rules,
397
00:16:17,873 --> 00:16:19,416
I simply need to bang down
this gavel
398
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,459
on the hood of a car.
399
00:16:20,542 --> 00:16:21,084
Aah!
400
00:16:21,168 --> 00:16:22,461
Gavel's down.
401
00:16:22,544 --> 00:16:24,755
Alright, everyone!
Move, move, move!
402
00:16:24,838 --> 00:16:26,381
Aim for their hearts!
403
00:16:26,465 --> 00:16:28,050
God damn it.
404
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:30,052
Protéger le pénis!
405
00:16:30,135 --> 00:16:31,553
Okay, definitely bringing these
to the seminar.
406
00:16:31,637 --> 00:16:33,096
See? It's motivational.
407
00:16:36,808 --> 00:16:38,393
Ha! Ha ha!
408
00:16:39,978 --> 00:16:41,063
Uhh!
409
00:16:43,857 --> 00:16:46,151
Ah-aah-aah! Aah-aah!
410
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:48,695
Ha!
411
00:16:48,779 --> 00:16:50,322
Well, well, well.
412
00:16:50,405 --> 00:16:52,491
Fuck off, Tony.
You think I'm scared?
413
00:16:52,574 --> 00:16:54,243
You can't turn me
and you can't bite me.
414
00:16:54,326 --> 00:16:57,162
Oh, but I can do
a little stakey-stakey.
415
00:16:58,997 --> 00:17:01,041
Perks of being
on my good side.
416
00:17:01,124 --> 00:17:04,253
Oh, man! Someone
cut them all up into pieces.
417
00:17:04,336 --> 00:17:06,379
And you know
their fingers touched it.
418
00:17:06,463 --> 00:17:08,840
Michael in Accounting!
Whatchu watchin', bro-ham?
419
00:17:08,924 --> 00:17:10,634
I'll tell you what
I'm not watching --
420
00:17:10,716 --> 00:17:12,052
ads!
421
00:17:12,135 --> 00:17:13,803
Ever since I upgraded
to Dribble Pro.
422
00:17:13,887 --> 00:17:15,847
No ads, no problems.
423
00:17:15,931 --> 00:17:17,139
Ruh-oh.
424
00:17:17,224 --> 00:17:19,142
Uh, why'd
you just say "ruh-oh"?
425
00:17:19,225 --> 00:17:21,144
Because I put on a show
with raw meat for a werewolf
426
00:17:21,228 --> 00:17:22,521
and it might play ads.
427
00:17:22,604 --> 00:17:23,647
Ruh-oh.
428
00:17:26,692 --> 00:17:28,902
Is your puppy cold in the snow?
429
00:17:28,986 --> 00:17:30,654
Try Puppy Pals' Paw Booties.
430
00:17:30,737 --> 00:17:33,282
Because innocent paws deserve
to be pampered.
431
00:17:35,659 --> 00:17:37,160
Oh, oh, oh! Oh, gee.
432
00:17:37,244 --> 00:17:39,371
Oh, oh, man! Whoa!
433
00:17:39,454 --> 00:17:42,332
Frappez votre marteau de juge
sur le capot de la voiture.
434
00:17:42,416 --> 00:17:44,585
Idiot! He can't slam
his gavel on that.
Huh?
435
00:17:44,668 --> 00:17:46,169
It needs to be
on a car.
436
00:17:46,253 --> 00:17:48,046
Outdoor judge rules.
437
00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:50,424
Espèce d'enfoiré,
tu l'as cassé!
438
00:17:51,425 --> 00:17:52,509
What are you gonna do, Monty?
Huh?
439
00:17:52,593 --> 00:17:53,760
Turn me into a vampire?
440
00:17:53,844 --> 00:17:55,220
Yeah, you wish.
441
00:17:55,304 --> 00:17:57,848
You'd be the lamest,
tackiest vampire...
442
00:17:57,931 --> 00:17:59,349
sparkling
in the sun-level shit.
443
00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:00,642
I'd be cringing.
444
00:18:00,726 --> 00:18:01,977
Oh, but these guys
are cool?
445
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:03,395
If this is the crew
446
00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:05,480
you chose to turn, yikes.
447
00:18:05,564 --> 00:18:08,066
You couldn't pull off the
frilly shirts and you know it!
448
00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:10,986
You have no idea
what I could pull off.
449
00:18:11,069 --> 00:18:12,237
Why are you smiling?
450
00:18:12,321 --> 00:18:13,989
Release the wolf.
451
00:18:16,867 --> 00:18:18,327
Jesus Christ.
452
00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:19,620
Was that supposed
to be a demonstration
453
00:18:19,703 --> 00:18:20,537
of how ruthless you are?
454
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,205
Yes. Did it work?
455
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:25,167
See?
This is exactly why you'd suck
456
00:18:25,250 --> 00:18:26,335
at being a vampire.
457
00:18:26,418 --> 00:18:28,045
Of all the presidents I've seen,
458
00:18:28,128 --> 00:18:29,838
you have to be the worst!
459
00:18:29,921 --> 00:18:31,423
Coming from your lying,
cheating, Anne Rice-looking ass,
460
00:18:31,506 --> 00:18:32,841
I take that
as a compliment.
461
00:18:32,924 --> 00:18:35,385
I'd rather eat turds
than be like you.
462
00:18:35,469 --> 00:18:37,346
I'll show you turds!
463
00:18:41,266 --> 00:18:42,684
Put a cross into a crossbow.
464
00:18:42,768 --> 00:18:44,561
Thankfully there was
a church right here.
465
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,105
I'm surprised you didn't use
that element more in the fight.
466
00:18:47,189 --> 00:18:49,399
Chomps, holy shit!
You survived!
467
00:18:49,483 --> 00:18:51,193
Well, I did actually die,
but I focused
468
00:18:51,276 --> 00:18:53,570
my werewolf regeneration
into my arm bones.
469
00:18:58,909 --> 00:19:00,577
If you two are ever
in New Orleans again,
470
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:01,662
drop me a line.
471
00:19:01,745 --> 00:19:03,497
I'll be alive...
kinda forever.
472
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:06,041
And, uh, if you ever want
to see D.C...
473
00:19:06,124 --> 00:19:07,542
you're invited in.
474
00:19:07,626 --> 00:19:08,960
To every part
that isn't the White House.
475
00:19:09,044 --> 00:19:10,837
Or my townhouse.
Or Banks' apartment.
476
00:19:10,921 --> 00:19:12,381
Actually,
maybe just call first.
477
00:19:12,464 --> 00:19:14,675
See you when I see you.
478
00:19:14,758 --> 00:19:16,426
Non.
479
00:19:17,594 --> 00:19:20,389
Non. Napoleon.
480
00:19:20,472 --> 00:19:22,683
Hey. I, uh --
I think that's how
481
00:19:22,766 --> 00:19:24,351
he would've wanted
to go out...
482
00:19:24,434 --> 00:19:26,019
torn and trampled
on the battlefield.
483
00:19:26,103 --> 00:19:27,729
Also, all of you
are under arrest
484
00:19:27,813 --> 00:19:29,564
and banned
from this country forever.
485
00:19:30,941 --> 00:19:34,194
Julia, get me the files on that
new Marseille real estate deal.
486
00:19:35,404 --> 00:19:36,738
This is Marc Luc de Burgeron.
487
00:19:36,822 --> 00:19:38,657
Hey.
It's President Curtis.
488
00:19:38,740 --> 00:19:41,326
Just wanted to let you know,
your interest in American land
489
00:19:41,410 --> 00:19:43,787
has been noted
and rejected.
490
00:19:43,870 --> 00:19:46,748
But there is still a piece of
American land France can have.
491
00:19:46,832 --> 00:19:48,125
Yeah?
Yeah.
492
00:19:48,208 --> 00:19:49,793
My ass.
You can eat it.
493
00:19:49,876 --> 00:19:52,462
As long
as my people are cooking,
494
00:19:52,546 --> 00:19:54,548
your ass will be
a culinary treat.
495
00:19:54,631 --> 00:19:56,591
Yeah, right.
My ass is 10 times tougher
496
00:19:56,675 --> 00:19:58,009
than anything
you've ever eaten.
497
00:19:58,093 --> 00:20:00,470
Well, I intend to soak it
in butter.
498
00:20:00,554 --> 00:20:02,013
That'll just make it slippery.
499
00:20:02,097 --> 00:20:03,682
And you can't slip your way out
of a mouth full of me.
500
00:20:03,765 --> 00:20:05,016
Ooh-kay, sir!
501
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:06,393
Selling past the close!
502
00:20:06,476 --> 00:20:08,395
There he is!
The man of the hour.
503
00:20:08,478 --> 00:20:09,980
How you feeling, Chomps?
504
00:20:10,063 --> 00:20:12,733
Well, I mean, I died,
so I'm in that club now.
505
00:20:12,816 --> 00:20:14,609
It's an adjustment
for all of us, Chomps.
506
00:20:14,693 --> 00:20:16,611
- Post-battle hot wing, anyone?
- You sure?
507
00:20:16,695 --> 00:20:18,071
I thought
we couldn't handle them.
508
00:20:18,155 --> 00:20:20,157
Well, sir,
today I learned it's wrong
509
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,700
to make assumptions
about people.
510
00:20:21,783 --> 00:20:23,744
So I made enough wings
for everyone.
511
00:20:23,827 --> 00:20:24,703
Yes!
Hell yeah!
512
00:20:24,786 --> 00:20:25,829
Alrighty.
513
00:20:27,456 --> 00:20:29,040
Oh, my God.
These are terrible.
514
00:20:29,124 --> 00:20:31,084
Yeah, maybe stop trying
to make the wings a symbol
515
00:20:31,168 --> 00:20:33,295
of how far you've come
and just add less cayenne.
516
00:20:34,671 --> 00:20:36,298
I have
a heavy pour.
517
00:20:38,091 --> 00:20:39,760
There goes my GERD.
518
00:20:41,052 --> 00:20:43,430
Oh, we have fun!
519
00:20:44,389 --> 00:20:49,269
♪ How much for Louisiana? ♪
520
00:20:49,352 --> 00:20:51,772
♪ Just name your price ♪
521
00:20:51,855 --> 00:20:55,817
♪ Vampires
tryin' to be invited ♪
522
00:20:55,901 --> 00:21:00,447
♪ Stole a penis from a jar ♪
523
00:21:00,530 --> 00:21:02,574
♪ Voulez Voo Doo ♪
524
00:21:02,657 --> 00:21:07,871
♪ Je m'appelle soapy balls ♪
38310
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