Original subtitles

[cell door slams]

♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full, the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting, waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[cell door slams]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

[cell door slams]

[indistinct conversations]

[woman] The wrong place for that, my friend.

[sighs]

[woman 2] Have you seen my towel?

[conversations continue]

- [woman 3] I'm starving. - [woman 4] Yeah, me too.

[Norma yawns]

[woman] Hey, Norma.

Morning, Norma.

Hey. Norma.

Can I get my morning blessing?

You know... the little arm-squeeze thing you do.

Yep. Hits the spot.

[Norma chuckles]

[woman] Hi.

- [urinating] - [Babs] Yo, Norma.

I know you got the magic.

Banfield says she brushed against you in the cafeteria,

and when you touched her wart, it fell off the next day.

[toilet flushes]

so I got this letter I'm sending to my guy, Rodney.

And I'm gonna need you to hocus-pocus it.

You know, I hear he got this new girlfriend, Leslie.

Oh, and I don't need you to hex her or nothing like that,

'cause, you know, that would be crazy.

Or would it? I don't know.

You know, it would be great, actually,

if you could hex Leslie.

That's it?

[gasps]

[toilet flushes]

Oh, I felt that!

Seriously!

Goosies on my arms!

Look at my arm hair! [gasps]

Oh, that is some spooky shit!

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much!

Spooky shit!

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

[man] Two types of sexual harassment

are generally recognized...

quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

"quid pro quo" means "something for something."

For instance, a manager

promises to give you a promotion

in exchange for some sexual favor.

- [Bayley laughs] - Hostile work environment...

- this type... - Question.

- Hostile environment? - [Tim] Yes.

It's a prison.

[Tim] Uh, we are referring to

to a co-worker's unwanted flirting,

sexually suggestive looks, language,

shoulder massages, back-scratching, uh...

any, uh, behavior that a reasonable person

would deem inappropriate.

Using offensive or degrading names,

such as "honey," "sweetie," "baby"...

- Daddy-mack. - Cuddly wuddly.

- Sugar tits. - [laughs]

Come on! How old are you?

- Sorry, sir. - No, really. How old are you?

- Uh, 21, sir. - Wow.

Yeah. My birthday was actually last Tuesday.

I had my first amaretto sour.

Good for you.

Now lose the junior high school shenanigans

and act like a fucking person.

- Yes, sir. - [Caputo] And the rest of you,

set an example for the new COs

and show some respect to George over here.

That's actually Tim from HR.

Who's George?

George is PR.

Is PR the same as marketing?

No. Debra's marketing.

Welcome to the corporate maze.

[chuckles]

Sorry for the rigamarole.

It'd be nice if it also covered inmate relations,

being this is a female prison.

- Completely agree. - But, uh, hey.

Anything to get folks thinking about appropriate behavior.

We've had some incidents in the past.

Oh, you wouldn't believe some of the cases we've had.

Just employees sexting and porn on their work computers,

masturbating in the office.

Just disgusting.

- Disgusting! - Yeah, disgusting.

Don't you think the people buying these panties

would feel weird if they knew a bunch of felons made them?

Mnh-mnh. They'd probably think that shit was hot.

Yeah. They should put that shit on the tag,

"Made in federal." [laughter]

Dudes would be into polyester grannies

if they knew they came from a bunch of bisnotches behind bars.

You know, when I was in Chicago,

this guy asked me for my dirty underwear.

- To wear? - To sniff.

Oh. Yeah, that's a thing. Panty sniffers.

[Stella] In Tokyo, they have vending machines.

You can buy dirty schoolgirl panties

for, like... I don't know... 10,000 yen.

What that is in real money?

- It's like 80 bucks. - Huh.

One of my old boyfriends was obsessed with noses.

Always trying to suck on mine.

It left a very confusing hickey.

I can't believe that's a thing.

Man, everything is a thing.

Like them people who like to fuck in animal costumes.

- [chuckles] Furries. - Or those guys

who are really into My Little Pony.

- Bronies. - Look at you, Google.

What are you, some kind of fetish fan girl?

[Black Cindy laughs] That's the thing with the internet.

Nobody's a freak no more.

It used to be all these weirdos sitting alone in their houses,

jerking it to bugs or falling in love with their toasters,

feeling all creepy and sad.

Now all they got to do is log on

and find a same-minded toaster-loving peep,

and, like, bam.

Suddenly shit be perfectly normal.

Now, you could be into cannibalism

or like being tickled.

It don't matter.

Somebody out there gonna like what you like.

[sewing machine whirs]

Damn! I sewed the leg shut again!

- Shit! - [laughter]

How do you even do that?

Man, whatever! This about to be a headband.

- [laughter] - Yeah.

Check it. Check it.

Inmate.

That's official whispers merchandise.

If you make any more mistakes,

we're gonna take the full retail price out of your pay.

Oh, what is that?

Like, 100 hours of work for 25 cents of fabric?

Zip it, Hayes, or that's a shot. This is not coffee hour.

And there are plenty of bodies in here that would be happy

to fill those seats.

[indistinct conversations]

What am I supposed to do with you?

You're the boss. You tell me.

I don't know how you talked your way back in here.

You're like a Somali pirate.

Trying to get that ladder hooked.

But I got the whole fucking coast guard watching you.

You see these girls?

They're mine.

Don't you try nothing.

The evil eye goes both ways.

I'm only happy to be back.

You gonna be happy sweeping the floor, washing dishes?

Because there's no way I'm gonna let you handle a knife.

Probably wise.

Go help Norma.

That peeler is pretty sharp, too.

And no funny business. Got it?

I am watching my back, Red.

Yes, boss.

All right, everybody! Come on!

I got to get this shit prepped before 10:00.

10:00? First lunch block isn't till 11:00.

Well, Benny's coming.

I'm not gonna make my kid drive up here for two hours

to sit with him for five minutes.

He should come a different time.

Hitchhikers can't be choosers.

Sophia's wife can't drive him later, and she's my ride.

You know, if you boil them first,

you can slide the skin off with your hands.

I taught you that.

Amateurs.

Twelve years we've been in this kitchen together.

We're a good team, hmm?

Thank you, Norma.

[man on PA] Prisoner maintenance detail

to the shower room.

[sitar music plays]

[man] I want everything to be better.

I want everything to be happier.

I keep doing the same thing over and over again,

which, to me, is the definition of insanity.

[laughter]

Welcome, sister.

Have a seat.

Join us.

As I was saying, you're all here

because you're interested in transformation,

and you're asking yourself, "Do I feel happy?

Do I feel good enough?

Do I feel out of control?"

- [man 2] Far out. - Yeah.

"Lonely? Afraid?

- Why do I hate myself?" - [man 2] Choice words.

[man] Well, this self that you speak of,

it's not a fixed object.

That's a story that we're telling, right?

- [woman] Right on. - If you want to change the self,

you got to change the story. [chuckles]

Because the desire to transform,

the thing that brought you here today,

means you've already begun to change.

- Right? - Yeah.

[man] I'm not here to save you, children.

I'm just a bearded guy in white pants.

[laughter]

They call me Guru Mack because I'm a teacher.

And I can teach you how to change your story.

[group murmuring]

Sister sad eyes.

What brings you to us today?

Don't be shy. You're among friends.

Everybody here is a searcher.

What is the story that you are telling?

M...

M-m-m-my...

s-s-s-s-s-s-s...

Okay, okay, okay. I got it.

[sighs]

I feel your spirit.

[Norma sighs]

You don't ever have to speak with me.

I hear you.

[Norma chuckles]

[breathes deeply]

Stay with us.

I'm glad you're here.

I can't let you perform this in class.

Oh, it's not a solo piece.

I'm gonna cast the other parts.

Of course, I play Edwina.

I know she has freckles and a more ample bosom than I,

but I think we can use our imaginations.

How do I put this constructively?

Um, this piece of writing is... obscene.

It's pornographic.

No, it's erotically inclined.

"His purple love muscle"?

"Her three holes opened,

ready to be explored by his swollen pangolin."

I don't even know what a pangolin is.

It's a mammal with scales.

And in this context, it's...

Okay, yeah. I got it. This was not the assignment.

You asked us to use our imagination.

I asked you to reimagine a primary life experience,

not write a kinky sex fantasy set in space.

It's not just sex.

It's love.

It's two people connecting,

with four other people... and aliens.

Suzanne, no.

- But it's just... - It's inappropriate,

and I can't support it.

That's final.

Whoa, whoa! What's going on?

Stupid! I'm stupid!

She said it's dirty, and it's wrong, and she hated it.

- Hated what? - [grunts]

Your story?

You've been working so hard, too.

Come on, now!

'cause one person doesn't like it?

You know, Stephen King got rejected a bazillion times

before anybody looked at his shit.

Fucking J.K. Rowling!

Some punk-ass publisher read "Harry fucking Potter"

and was like... "Nope."

Now, I haven't read this yet,

but knowing that wacky brain of yours...

I'm sure it's got to be mad interesting.

She said it was vulgar.

Okay. You really did, uh... go there.

Look, Berdie is just trying to protect her stupid-ass class.

Chang got to do her scene,

and it's all heads chopping off and organs coming up.

That's because this is America.

Violence is all good and fine, but sex? [gasps]

Lord, no! Okay?

Don't let her stop you, Suzanne.

You got to keep writing.

So, this is different categories.

- Mm-hmm. - Who you're gonna marry,

what car you're gonna drive, and how many kids you're gonna have.

Are you telling me you've never played Mash before?

Not since I was 12.

I remember that. Mash.

Tells your future, right?

Mansion, apartment... shack, house! Yes!

- Yeah. - [Lorna chuckles]

You draw your spiral.

- Mm-hmm. - And then you count your lines.

And you get your magic number.

And there it is... your whole life.

Oh. [chuckles] Yeah.

I always ended up living in the shack.

Mm.

Chapman probably lived in a mansion.

- In the game or in real life? - In real life.

Oh, no. It was hardly a mansion.

How many bathrooms?

[Piper] Um... four?

Or five.

There was a half bath off the playroom.

The playroom?

[sighs]

It was a good-sized house.

Mansion.

- Did you have a maid? - No.

Housekeeper.

- [laughs] - I was very lonely as a child.

[smacks lips]

Do you hear yourself sometimes?

Like, when you speak?

Mmm! Fuck, yeah!

Hey, y'all, tell me these kosher meals ain't delicious.

This broccoli? Still got crunch.

Yo, y'all got to keep y'all voices down.

Y'all get the noodles, yo? Mine had noodles!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Would y'all shut the hell up?

Man, why you shushing me?

You keep running your mouth, everyone's gonna start asking.

- So? - Then they're gonna find out

none of us are actually Jewish,

and none of us gonna get them!

- How they know I ain't Jewish? - Shh.

Man, how come Jews only get to eat this deliciousness?

Shh!

Man, stop shushing me!

That's the eye shush,

and the eye shush is just as bad as regular shush.

One, two, three, four, five. Yes!

So you're gonna marry Gustav,

and you're gonna be living in an apartment...

- in Maui... - [squeals]

with 13 kids.

And you're gonna be driving, you know, A Toyota Corolla.

Great.

Gustav... is that the Romanian?

- Yeah. He's... he's very nice. - Mm-hmm.

He's not the world's greatest fella,

but English is not his first language.

- [Piper] Mm-hmm. - Thirteen kids in an apartment?

That is gonna be tight.

Well, you're gonna be living in Maui,

spending most of your time outside.

I thought I was gonna marry Ralph.

But he's so into firearms.

I guess that could be dangerous, with all the little ones around.

- Right? - Ralph's the fatty?

No. No. The fatty is into Japanese cartoons.

He has these dreamy eyes.

You find the good in everyone.

- It's a lovely quality. - Lovely.

She's scamming creeps for commissary money.

I mean, that is what you're doing, isn't it?

They are lonely!

They just need somebody to listen to them.

It's not like I got something better to do.

[Piper] I think that women's prison

feeds into the whole '70s exploitation fantasy for men.

It's like we're all in Chained Heat or Cell Block Sisters,

and all we do is have lesbian sex and strip searches

and naked catfights in the shower.

We also do other things.

[Big Boo chuckles]

Who cares if it's a fantasy?

They get what they want.

I get to make a buck.

Everybody wins!

[Alex chuckles]

[gasps]

What are those?

They were gonna be a gift for you, but I have an idea.

Bear with me, because it's, uh...

it sounds kind of crazy.

Shoot.

You may think that I stole these from Whispers,

but technically...

I didn't...

because I made them from material

they were just gonna throw away,

so I repurposed trash,

and there's no official crime happening here.

You are such a good girl.

These are the second pair I've made with no one noticing.

If I could get some people helping me,

I could have a pretty healthy supply,

and rumor has it there are guys out there

that like sniffing dirty underwear,

and I think that they would be extra interested

if they came from lady felons.

We are sitting... on... a gold mine!

We have captive women, and we have underwear.

All we need to do is recruit a bunch of girls

with super-stinky tutus

and then figure out a way to get the used goods

out there to the freaks who want them.

No. It sounds nuts, doesn't it?

It made sense in my head.

- Are you kidding? - What?

This is fucking brilliant.

[laughs]

- This is your duty belt. - [man] "Duty." [laughs]

it contains a walkie, cuffs, expandable baton,

sterile gloves, and pepper spray.

Nice!

These are not toys.

They are a last resort.

If an inmate is not responding to a reasonable command

and needs to be subdued,

I will demonstrate the proper subjugation technique.

CO Rikerson, if you please.

The goal is to use your opponent's own weight

and inertia against her.

Now, let us imagine this is a diminutive lady inmate

and not, uh, Dont'a Hightower over here.

[chuckles]

Don't hurt me, buddy, huh?

I will use a combination joint locking technique

to take my opponent to the ground.

[breathes deeply]

The inmate is angry.

Maybe she goes to grab me or push me. Please.

Trap her hand against my chest with my right hand,

turn the wrist, apply an arm bar

with my left hand just above the elbow,

and as I pivot...

easily taking my attacker to the ground.

[Rikerson] Ow! Ow! [groans]

[groaning]

God, that hurt!

- That really hurt. - Sorry.

Shit, man! I need my inhaler.

Where's my inhaler?

[Caputo] Okay. As you can see,

I have, uh, effectively neutralized the prisoner.

Great. Great, well done, Jackie Chan.

Thank you for that.

You guys should read through those manuals

and keep practicing this karate business.

It seems very effective.

We're not done.

May I speak with you for a minute?

Okay. Practice with your partners.

CO Donaldson, take over.

All right, COs, line up with your inmates.

Let's get started. Half speed, no takedowns.

But when you feel comfortable, take it to the ground.

All right.

Sicko-witch.

Give me your best shot.

It's Sikowitz.

Like "psycho."

Oh, we'll see about that.

[Sikowitz grunts]

I'm not afraid of you... donuts.

Stop calling me that.

I know you bribed your way in here. What did it take?

Half a dozen jellies and a cruller, huh?

Hey, Joe. We're not paying these guys to do PE.

They need 40 hours of training.

We need to be able to assess their physical efficiency...

teach them how to convey an order.

That sounds like on-the-job stuff to me.

I can't send a bunch of untrained COs out there.

You're not.

You're partnering them with experienced guards

and calling it an apprenticeship.

There is an art to this.

The proper levels of assertion.

How to communicate verbally and non-verbally.

That's why we have the manual.

They are not gonna read that.

Yes, really.

See what I did there?

Communicated with you nonverbally. No training here.

Let's get them working.

Motherfucker.

All right.

Ay, tonta!

Your mother never taught you how to reheat dinner rolls?

My mother taught me to pluck my eyebrows

and to duct-tape my tits together.

[scoffs] Mira.

I told you that you needed to clean these steamers

- between every meal. - [sighs]

- That's some nasty shit. - [Gloria] You know what's nasty?

The cabbage that's been in there for two days.

You are a pain in my ass... the both of you.

If you fill them with warm sudsy...

No, no. No chiming in. What, you think I don't know how to run my kitchen?

All right, Maria. You're in charge

while I take my visitation.

You're gonna leave me here with these clowns?

Try not to fuck it all up, huh?

[Red] Aww.

It's good to see you back in here, Gina.

Hey, Red. We've come to see Norma, actually.

[woman] A bunch of us were wondering

if you would meet with us in a group.

[Gina] My wiccan circle's getting weird.

Protchnick keeps rubbing the energy ball on her cooter,

and who wants to touch it after that? You know, so...

I think we would all benefit

from some energetic time with you.

What are you babbling about?

Norma's a healer. She has powers.

You believe this?

She's performing miracles, Red.

Everyone's talking about it.

[woman] We booked some time in the chapel,

and we were hoping to meet tomorrow.

Chapel? What is she... your priest?

The poor woman doesn't speak,

so she can't tell you to fuck off, but I can.

She doesn't want to listen

to all your snively little problems.

Do you, Norma?

Be careful. She can hex you.

[laughs] You think she's some kind of magical mute?

There's no way she's comfortable with this.

Are you, Norma?

Go. Get out of here.

Gina, you know better. Stop listening

- to this basket case. - We're gonna talk.

Shoo!

[sighs] Are they hounding you all time?

These women are desperate for anything to believe in.

Looking to you to guide them

when you can't even guide yourself.

Norma, put the drink in first and then the sandwich.

You're squishing all of them.

There you go.

Better.

[recorder plays]

[all chanting]

Guru Mack is our teacher.

Our teacher is our father.

Our father is our God.

Our God is our light...

the sky, the sun, the heart.

My children, today we open our hearts

to this woman, Norma Moon,

as I join her in marriage

with body, with speech, and with mind.

Norma Moon, on this blessed day,

I take you as my wife, my partner, and my light.

I join my heart to your heart,

and my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

And I vow to honor you in this life

and on many astral planes to come.

I am yours.

[woman] So rad.

Kirsa Rain, on this blessed day,

I take you as my wife, my partner, and my light.

And I join my heart to your heart,

my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

Silver Tree,

on this blessed day, I take you as my wife.

This is getting weird.

I never should have signed over the pink slip to my Volvo.

[Guru Mack] I join my heart to your heart,

my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

Keep an eye out for contact.

Obviously, if they're playing basketball,

there's gonna be some hands and shoulders.

But any intimacy, call it off.

- No touching. - Right.

And don't ever let them suck you into an argument.

Don't get emotional.

One of my training sergeants told me if it feels good,

don't say it.

De-escalate the situation.

De-escalate. Got it.

Right. Okay?

Keep an eye on this Uno game over here.

Make sure they're not gambling.

So, we'll have six, uh, extra pair.

Whoa. Hey. L...

Lolly!

I know you?

Yeah. Chicago.

Um... sorry.

Wow.

That is weird.

You know, she didn't have glasses before,

so maybe she was blind in Chicago?

Oh, that thing happened in the yard.

I wonder if she's still mad at me.

Wait. She was with us in Chicago?

- What is she doing here? - Well, anyway... okay.

How many girls do we need?

Only a few to start.

We don't know if we have any customers.

And how many days do you think it's gonna take to get them,

uh... pungent?

- Three. - Okay.

That seems like a lot. If it's you, I don't know. Two?

What? Why?

You have a strong brew.

Oh.

It's not a bad thing.

Some people just have more presence than others.

Are you gonna be wearing them?

- Me? No. - Okay.

I can't deal with the thought

of dudes inhaling my dried excretions.

No. I will stick to being the brains, not the bajingo.

- All right. - Okay.

We need a mule to carry them out of here.

Yes. Panty mule.

Someone gullible...

and insecure enough to be flattered that you picked them.

For the record, I was not gullible.

I was trusting...

and perhaps a little... inhibited.

You had a flimsy sense of self.

You dressed head to toe in Urban Outfitters.

There's got to be a joker in this bunch

who needs a few extra bucks and some warm fuzzies.

[Piper] Hmm.

- That's the one. - Where?

I bet he doesn't even shave yet.

- That guy? - He's like a Gerber baby.

[Piper] What makes you think that we can trust him?

Believe me, that kid is a bug.

He'll piss off the other COs soon enough,

and then he'll be looking for friends.

[Piper] So, you tell me how this is gonna work.

"Hi, Gerber.

How do you feel about marching past security

with a bunch of dirty panties shoved down your pants?"

See? This is why I will handle this part.

Because you have no nuance.

[Reema] Oh, yeah! Got you now!

Bam! Uno, motherfucker!

You cheating bitch! Those ain't the rules.

You draw two and lose a turn.

Are you saying I don't know Uno?

[Gabby] I'm saying you're sitting on cards

and you're a dumb, cheating bitch.

- Fuck you, bitch! - Hey! Freeze!

- [both screaming] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Aah! - [coughing]

Aah!

[breathing heavily]

[alarm blaring]

Whoa!

Oh, my God! He's fucking insane!

He's perfect.

This is unreadable.

- What is it? - [Taystee] Suzanne's erotica.

It's worse than Fifty Shades.

Not possible. How many times she use the word "geez"?

It's fucking gross.

She's got a sentence that goes on a whole paragraph

about some lady's clit that turns into a caterpillar.

Mm, mm, mm!

Finished. Two new chapters!

I eagerly await your thoughts, madam editor.

Peruse at your leisure.

I ain't perusing shit.

Well, shit. Let me see it. Mm.

You can't blame her for wanting an escape, all right?

It's lonely as fuck in here.

"The admiral thrusts his pork sword into her squish mitten"?

[scoffs]

Oh, shit! [laughs]

Mm!

What the fuck was that?!

You assess the situation,

and you respond with the appropriate level of force.

And you never, ever, ever discharge your weapon

unless it's absolutely necessary!

And if you do and that weapon happens to be pepper spray,

you better damn well make sure you're upwind.

You are a trigger-happy knucklehead

who just got out of diapers.

But you, how could you let this happen?

Sir, with all due respect, I'm not a nanny.

No. You are an officer with 20-plus years' experience.

And your job was to impart some wisdom

on fucking Baby Huey over here.

Well, this is what happens when you put

untrained officers in gen pop.

You don't think I know that?!

I fucking know that!

Really, I should be firing your ass.

- I know. - But it's your first day.

So I'm gonna chalk this up to mental retardation.

- Uh-huh. - If you so much as look

at an inmate wrong in the next week, you're out of here.

Take the stupid fucking name tag off.

Now go.

Get your asses down in medical and get an eyewash.

And read the stupid fucking manuals!

I hate fractions!

- I ain't never gonna use it. - Oh, yeah?

What about when the recipe calls for you to double it

and you got to add a cup and 1/4?

You're gonna have to know how to add those two quarters together.

When I'm a prison cook?

All right. Let's do number five.

"In Debra's class, 3/8 of the students have brown hair.

Of the students with brown hair, half have brown eyes.

What fraction of the students in Debra's class

have both brown hair and brown eyes?"

Fuck Debra.

Right in her brown eye.

Baby. Come on. You got to graduate.

This is fifth-grader math.

I mean, I don't understand it either, okay?

But... we can figure this out.

All you got to do is get a "C."

Psst. yo, Mike.

- "You want a bag?" - No, man. She's not that ugly."

[both laugh]

What does that mean, "a bag"?

You selling weed again?

No. It's part of a joke.

What joke?

You wouldn't get it.

So, you guys really getting along, huh?

Oh, yeah. They've been giggling for the last two hours.

He is fucking hilarious.

Hey. Language.

Benny said "fuck" in the car like four times.

You didn't say anything.

Benny doesn't live in our house.

- This is censorship. - Michael.

Fuck that.

- I'm not a fucking baby. - Knock it off.

Does he talk like this around the pastor?

No. This just started.

Well, cut it out.

I'm serious.

Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck.

[Benny laughs]

Mendoza... they need you back in the kitchen.

- I'm with my son. - It's an emergency.

Ramos cut her finger off.

What?

Well, tell them to handle it.

Are you in charge of the kitchen?

Let's go.

Your kid can wait in the lobby.

[sighs]

Sorry, baby.

Whatever.

- Neri wants a baby. - Mm.

One day she's ranting about how irresponsible it is

to put more people on the planet,

and now suddenly she's clocking her ovulation

and welding a nursery mobile

that, frankly, between you and me,

looks very sharp and dangerous.

Well, maybe you guys should go for it.

I think you'd be great parents.

You would... be... [chuckles]

memorable parents.

I got to get my shit together, Pipes.

We're still living with Carol and Bill,

and the layers of taupe are getting to me.

And suddenly everyone and their mother's got a job.

Even Bloomer, now that Polly's whipping him into shake.

No, no, no. No. Stop. No Larry.

- He has a job? As what? - Mm.

He's a regional editor for Zagat.

He's got an office and everything.

Really?

Look, all I'm saying is, times are a-changin',

and I need to work.

I have work for you.

Really?

Could you build me a website?

It could be something very simple,

like a Wordpress template or something.

Why do you need a website?

No one even follows your blog anymore.

I'm starting a used-panty business.

There are people who like to sniff dirty underwear.

Oh, I know.

There's a lot of sites.

You've got yourself some competition.

Really? Well, how much do they go for?

Like 25 bucks a pop, but the longer the wear,

the more you can tack on,

and there's, like, a lot of special categories,

like "worn to the gym" or "masturbated in," "peed in."

- What about "been to prison"? - Oh, yeah.

You could definitely charge more for that.

Pregnant ladies are a big thing, too.

- Really? - Yeah.

I think it's because maybe they smell different.

You know, Neri smells different,

and she's just talking about getting pregnant.

Wait. Are you really gonna start a whole criminal enterprise

- from behind bars? - It's not drugs.

It's underwear.

I like your spirit.

I-I am concerned that you know all of this.

I'm a generalist.

[woman on PA] MCC appreciates your honest feedback.

Hey. Psst. Chapman.

- Yeah? - Thank you.

Um...

You think that growing up with all that money was good for you?

- In what way? - Like, did being a rich person

make you better?

I bet you had, like, ballet, music lessons,

and shit like that.

Ballet, yeah. Yeah.

And I did play the flute for two years.

Although "play" is a very strong word.

There's this flute face that I could never...

I never quite got right.

Okay. So...

it's a better life when you have money.

A lot of people expect it

to fill some sort of emotional hole,

and all it really does is buy stuff.

Yeah, but what's wrong with stuff?

Stuff is good.

Especially when stuff is food or a roof over your head.

You know, there was this study

that said money does buy happiness,

up to $75,000 a year.

But after that, increasing your income

doesn't make you any happier.

Seventy-five grand is a lot.

Yeah, no. I guess. I guess it is.

Are you worried about...

Yeah.

[sighs]

Love is the most important thing.

Yeah, but money helps.

Yeah. Money does help.

But you know what?

We both ended up here.

[sighs] All right. Thanks.

Hey, Dayanara.

What size panties do you wear?

Ay, damn!

Any Jew-y movies in here? Shit.

Ain't all movies Jew-y?

Like Fiddler on the Roof or some shit like that.

You know, half of them don't even play.

Oh, shit.

I got to get ahead of this thing.

Come and try to bust me for not being the real Jew deal...

I got to throw some knowledge back at them.

Well, look, shouldn't you be reading... what's it called?

The, um, the Jewish bible.

No! I'm going for the Jewish experience.

You feel me? Get all cultural on them.

Should be mad convincing.

I need some, like... Seinfeld episodes.

Oh! Ka-ching! Check it out!

Woody fucking Allen!

Now, that's some Jew shit right there.

Look, come on. You really think they're gonna test us?

And if they do, you think Woody Allen is gonna save you?

Oh, mark my words... they're gonna test us.

Y'all gonna be looking real stupid,

but when they come for us, I'm gonna be ready.

[Crazy Eyes whistling This Old Man]

Yo, Suzanne.

I've been reading your story.

Okay.

So... who does Edwina choose...

Gilly or Space Admiral Rodcocker?

I haven't decided yet.

You can't leave me hanging here.

[laughs]

- Okay. Well, technically... - Okay.

They're not even in the same timeline.

Admiral is in the future, Gilead is in the past,

and Edwina... she can move through time,

but only in one direction.

Yeah. See? Don't nobody care about that.

Right? They just want to get off.

You know?

So, you liked it?

You know, it's weird as fuck, right?

But it just... it sucked me in.

- Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. - You know?

I just got to kick back with some bootleg

and just escape from this place.

I even lost track of time reading it.

Or I blacked out.

Look, either way, this shit is hot!

[laughs]

Just don't leave a bitch with blue balls.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yes. - Huh?

- [laughing] Yes. - You got me.

All right.

Get to writing!

Chop-chop. [laughs]

Hey, Joe.

I, uh, heard about the little incident out in the yard.

The kid panicked.

- Watch the plant. - Right.

He wasn't ready.

And, you know, inmates can sue over things like that.

There was a case in Maine.

No, no, no. You were right.

It's my bad.

Thank you.

That's not how we do things.

- It's dangerous. - I hear you. What do you want?

Another two-hour class to go over procedure?

I want a proper 40-hour training period.

How about we split the difference? Six hours?

I'll take what I can get.

Joe, I'm doing my best to work the system,

but there's gonna be a lot of changes around here,

and I need you to be open-minded.

We got a whole new plan with a kitchen, work details,

processing, a whole bunch of stuff.

It's actually in your packet here, and, uh...

just when... whenever you...

- I'm not gonna read those. - Okay.

What do you do here?

What do you mean?

What's your official title?

I'm the Director of Human Activity.

What does that even mean?

[laughing] That sounds like God.

[chuckles] Yeah.

- No, I guess it does. - I have to be honest.

This whole corporate structure thing, I...

I find it confusing.

It's actually really simple.

So, here. You mind if I...

So, you got the... board, right?

And then you got the CEO.

You got the CFO.

You got the various departments.

And then here's me, here's you.

See? We're on the same level.

You don't seem to have to check with me to do anything.

Because it actually flows this way...

through me... to you.

So you're... you're my boss.

No, no, no. We're on the same level.

It's just the flow...

is... this way.

You're basically the warden.

No, no. 'cause that position doesn't even exist.

No, but it's what you are.

I mean, if you are my boss, then... you're a warden.

No, no. We don't call it that.

- I'm the... - Director of Human Activity.

It's a shame.

You were really helping people, Norma.

We still have that time in the chapel.

What are we supposed to do, meet without you?

Yeah, yeah.

[woman on PA] Your attention, please.

Sign-ups are available for recovery meetings.

Check the bulletin board.

[knocking]

No, I'm fine. Maybe later. My back is acting up.

Aww.

You're sweet, my friend.

[grunts] Thank you.

[sighs]

The pain is moving around.

It travels from my back, down my arms.

Sometimes in my hips.

Mm. Lower. Lower, lower, lower, lower.

There. There, there, there, there.

[sighs]

Makes my joints tense being there,

watching her strut around like it's hers.

Those tacos have no idea what they're doing.

I'm meant to be in charge, Norma.

Oh. Of who... you? No. I'm your friend.

Your bossy friend, but still your friend.

There was this time when Vasily was only six months old.

I had to leave him with my sister-in-law for a week.

We thought Yuri had the measles.

When I came to get him,

he cried and reached for her instead of me,

like she was his mother.

[voice breaking] I know it sounds crazy,

but I have that same feeling now.

That kitchen is my baby.

Is this the thing you do?

The magic?

Well, stop it.

I'm not comfortable with that.

Come on, Norma.

Let's get back to the real thing.

[slow music plays, man singing indistinctly]

What is that?

Why? What's the point?

We don't have any members.

And even if they wanted to come, where would we gather?

What? Along the side of the fucking highway?

What next, rest-stop bathrooms?

[sighs]

All those wives, and I'm left with you,

my one true believer.

So much for sacred vows.

No way I'm going down on those trumped-up bullshit charges.

[sighs]

Those girls were there of their own accord.

And since when is tithing against the law?

We got to get off the grid,

get back to the woods, commune with Gaia.

[rattling, clunking]

Shit!

[grunts]

[tires screech]

Oh, you fucking piece of shit!

Come on!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- [van door slams] - [gasps]

Oh, fuck!

[van door slams]

You bitch!

You bitch, you bitch, you bitch!

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Come on!

Bitch!

God damn it!

[sighs]

Shit!

One kick if you want money.

Two kicks if you want to live on 149th with Grandma.

How about I give you three kicks if you don't shut the fuck up?

You're taking advice from a fucking fetus now?

Nice.

You trust a stupid little fetus more than me.

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

This is the right thing.

What happens when you get out of here

and you can't even live in public housing

'cause you got a record?

And you got to pull change out of a sofa for a $1 meal?

Why do you think I've been in a bad mood for 24 years?

You've had your good days.

[scoffs]

Name one.

My 17th birthday.

You took me to the day spa.

We sat in the hot pool.

We made fun of the lady with the big-ass mole.

[both laugh]

And we got our toes done.

I was so happy that day.

Because Cesar gave me a fistful of cash.

You liked me because I was buying you things.

No.

You were nice to me.

Most of the time, you were such a bitch.

Maybe I wouldn't have been a bitch if we had money.

All I ever wanted was to spend time with you.

You were stupid to want me.

Kids are dumb.

You got to make decisions for them.

You're gonna put a kid in a car seat,

and they're gonna scream and scream.

You're not gonna take them out

and put them on your lap, are you?

You used to make Emilio ride in the trunk.

That's not the point.

Imagine you had some really rich family

who could really provide for you.

You probably would be a famous artist right now

instead of in here.

You keep that baby, you're being selfish.

[Gloria] I had to remake 200 dinners from scratch

because the tip of your fucking pinkie

was floating around the stew somewhere.

If you were gonna chop your finger off,

you couldn't do it away from my food?

I'm having a hard day.

Why weren't you watching her?

I can't do nothing with stupid.

How am I supposed to be a mother to my son

when my prison kids keep fucking it up?!

You could start with your language.

Excuse me. What?

[Sophia] Maybe try not to curse so much...

or at least tell your son not to.

At least not around my Michael.

What are you talking about?

My son has never cursed before,

and one ride with your kid,

and suddenly it's, "fuck this, fuck that."

He's 15. So what he says "fuck"?

We don't talk like that in our house.

You think my son is your son's problem?

[sighs]

Tell Benny to cool it with the dirty jokes and language.

That is, if he wants to keep his ride.

Aah! Oh! Fuck me!

Somebody keeps leaving the handle over the fucking burner!

- Shit. - Mendoza.

What's this I hear about Ramos cutting her finger off?

It was just the tip of her pinkie.

I would have been here, I would have cut her head off, too.

Well, why weren't you here?

Your work duty takes priority.

We have entrusted you with a huge responsibility,

and that means you can't take off

whenever you get a visitor or a headache.

You know what gives me a headache?

This job.

I got to be there for my son, because he needs a mother.

I didn't ask for this shit.

You know that my ankles are swollen?

I got calluses.

And then my hair... [inhales deeply]

smells like canola oil!

I fucking hate this place!

I quit!

You can't quit.

This is prison.

[Gloria sighs]

And there's nobody else to do it.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Give it to her.

I'm done.

She wants this so bad?

[chuckles]

Let her have it!

[speaking Spanish]

Okay, Reznikov.

- [sighs] - You're up. Enjoy.

[sighs]

[woman on PA] Attention, inmates.

Remember, MCC is here to provide you a safe environment.

You know... you can cut an extra one from that piece of fabric.

I don't want them.

Well, you could wear them until they're really dirty

and then give them to me.

Okay, Chapman.

No. No. It's not for me.

They're to, um...

they're to sell to creepy dudes.

Why would I want to do that?

Because I'm asking you.

This is official Whispers merchandise.

[laughs]

[indistinct conversations]

[chuckles]

[radio chatter]

[indistinct conversations]

Piper, right?

Yeah.

[gasps] Oh, you're the murderer!

No. It's a long story, but it's fine.

She's fine. She probably was the person

who took you on a tour when you first got here.

I didn't kill her.

- Oh. The little wiry one. - Yeah.

Yeah, you should have killed her.

But it's nice to see you, man!

We're a long way from Chicago.

You know, I actually wanted to apologize to you...

about Chicago.

I should have stepped in when that woman jumped you.

What? Come on. What you gonna do about that?

You supposed to get your ass beat over some stranger?

Come on. That's all right.

That's kind of what I was thinking.

Don't worry about it.

Oh. And... how great is this place?

Dude. I fucking love it here.

Um, I am the kosher meal, please.

Hey. No. I was next.

Are you?

Smooth like butter.

You, captain four fingers.

Get those green beans off the burner

while they're still green.

Norma, where's that corn bread?

You've lost your speed, woman. Let's go.

You're leaving a snail trail on my floor.

You're gonna put up with that?

Norma.

Check on the line.

Make sure those trays aren't cold.

I saw that evil eye.

[Guru Mack] I just... want to be a crow.

Why can't I be a crow?

I am a speck in the universe.

A miserable speck.

[sighs]

Why are you still here, Norma?

Why are you following me?

After all these years?

Go.

Run away, like the rest of them.

They were right... I'm a fraud.

I'm a false prophet, Norma.

I'm not your god.

You have wasted your life on a worthless man.

Human. Not special.

Not honest, not good.

And now I'm old.

And you are old and childless...

and poor and damned.

[Norma sobs]

Aah! You're never gonna leave, are you?

Because you are a slave.

A meek little servant.

And you'll never be anything else.

And if I didn't tell you where to go and what to do,

you would have no self at all.

- Nothing! - [gasps]

Silent nothing... worshiping nothing!

Speak, woman.

Fucking speak!

You won't, will you?

And you know why?

Because you have nothing to say!

[Norma gasps, grunts]

[Guru Mack screams]

[thud]

[crow caws]

S-s-s-s-s-son of a b-b-bitch!

[crying]

[Red] To a meal well done.

You have embraced your new general with dignity.

[Blanca scoffs]

Not really, but you did well, anyway.

I toast you all.

[footsteps approaching]

Ladies, get ready to thank me.

What is this?

The wave of the future.

Prepackaged...

boil-in-the-bag meals.

Your lives just got a hell of a lot easier.

Dump these babies in the steamer...

and call it a day.

[gasps] Tell me this is a joke.

No.

It was a memo from Jeffrey in food services

and Linda in purchasing.

You didn't think I'd put you in charge

if you actually had any power, did you?

[clicks tongue]

[both chuckle]

[gasps]

[woman chuckles]

She's not gonna come.

Maybe we should take turns leading a prayer circle.

Or we could just keep meeting with her one-on-one.

But I thought the whole point of this was to organize.

[gasps]

I told you!

What did I tell you?

Nonbelievers, all of you!

Nobody ever listens to me.

What is she doing?

- Shh. - Oh, that felt good.

[breathing heavily]

[crying] Oh, thank you.

[chuckles]

Whoa.

[laughter]

[chuckles] I could feel that in my fingers.

[laughter] Oh, my gosh. I feel like I'm glowing.

- Am I glowing? - [laughter]

[laughter stops]

[♪ The Byrds' "Wasn't Born to Follow" plays]

♪ Oh, I'd rather go and journey ♪

♪ Where the diamond crescent's flowing ♪

♪ And run across the valley beneath the sacred mountain ♪

♪ And wander through the forest ♪

♪ Where the trees have leaves of prisms ♪

♪ And break the light in colors ♪

♪ That no one knows the names of ♪

♪ And when it's time, I'll go and wait ♪

♪ Beside a legendary fountain ♪

♪ Till I see your form reflected ♪

♪ In its clear and jeweled waters ♪

♪ And if you think I'm ready ♪

♪ You may lead me to the chasm ♪

♪ Where the rivers of our vision flow into one another ♪

♪ I will want to dive beneath the white cascading waters ♪

♪ She may beg, she may plead, she may argue with her logic ♪

♪ And mention all the things I'll lose ♪

♪ That really have no value ♪

♪ In the end, she will surely know I wasn't born to follow ♪