All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black S03E06 Ching Chong Chang (1080p x265 Joy)

[cell door slams]

♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped,
trapped till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full,
the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is
waiting, waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[cell door slams]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

[cell door slams]

If I get the maple bacon,
that's kind of paleo, right?

Only if you killed it
yourself with a crossbow.

You should try the
red velvet. It's new.

Aw, geez.

Do I look like an idiot to you?

No.

You think you can squeeze
an extra dollar out of me

because it's,
like, "Ooh, trendy.

It looks like it's bleeding"?

No, in your heart of hearts,
you know as well as I do,

red velvet is bullshit.

It tastes like play-doh.
It is not velvety.

And the only thing
that's good about it

is the cream-cheese frosting,

which is meant to live
on top of carrot cake

like God intended!

Okay, Panda, we hear you.

- Red velvet isn't a thing.
- Red velvet can go to hell.

You give me two
long johns and a jelly.

[sighs]

Well, I'll be fucked.

- What happened?
- Mind your own beeswax, donuts.

Oh, you kidding me?!

If I was a lesser person, I
would say, "I told you so."

[man on PA] Attention, ladies.

Remember to remove all
pens from your uniforms

when dropping off your laundry.

All right. Here we are.

Welcome to Litchfield
two-point-nothing.

So, recently, we did
go from public to private,

which is quite a relief.

God bless free market
America of the United States.

[Lolly] Free market?

Yeah, I worked the night shift
at Sam's Club a while back,

and they used to lock us in.

It was probably for your
own protection. [scoffs]

Yeah, it didn't feel like that.

Well, look... [scoffs]
you kidding me?

The government
socialists are clearly

so far up your butt
crack about equality

when, in code, it's all about

just giving the darker
people free shit.

It's all about
private corporation

because they
really look out for us,

and you get religious freedom.

Yeah, I'm not that religious.

No? Well, that's too bad.

'Cause if you're a Christian,

you can tell
everybody what to do,

and then they do it so
they don't hurt your feelings

because that's against the law.

[snaps fingers] Come on.

Okay, so this right
here is Mr. Healy's office.

He's one of the counselors.

Now, some of the girls, they
like the black one better, okay?

But listen. He brings
snacks sometimes,

and he's kind of a silver fox.

Down here, we've got visitation.

Down here, okay, your family is allowed
to come and see you, but if they never do,

it's probably just
'cause they're too busy.

But they still care
about you, for sure.

For sure.

This place is amazing.

All right. This is still
prison and all, right?

There's no need to
jump off the deep end.

We got off the van,
like, five minutes ago,

and I haven't heard
anybody screaming.

And the walls are so clean!

Yeah, and we just got
new mattresses, too.

Yeah.

This here's Chang. Chang.

So, she works in the commissary.

She don't talk much.

Ching-chong Chang!

Fuck you, cracker.

[laughs] She loves
when I do that.

[woman on PA] The
MCC work-flow discussion

is in cell block D.

[Alex] How's life
in the panty mill?

Uh, yesterday, we learned
everything about sewing,

including how to
serge with a rolled hem

and use a zigzag stitch.

I don't really know
what any of it means,

so today's gonna be awesome.

What? [chuckles]

How's grounds crew treating you?

The instructions
are pretty clear.

Dig, rake, schlep.

[Piper] Uh-huh.

[Alex scoffs] It's fine.

And it's outside.

Anything is better
than being stuck

down in that sweaty basement

with the fucking puppets
from The Dark Crystal.

I'm thirsty just looking at her.

Well, you should see
what she does with pepper.

Hey, lesbians, my eyes
squinty, but ears work fine.

Let's go.

I'm sorry.

I laugh when I see
something super weird.

Alex. Alex.

[Alex] How did she
get a whole box of salt?

[knock on door]

[indistinct shouting]

[woman] That was the
scene just a few minutes ago

outside this lower
Manhattan courthouse,

where culinary
celebrity, Judy King,

was arraigned on
charges of tax evasion.

According to...

I never liked this woman.

She puts cream in her
carbonara. It's vulgar.

[indistinct TV chatter]

What are you writing?

It's for drama workshop.

It's about my emotionally
manipulative asshat of a mother

and all the times
she betrayed me.

I'm thinking, at the end,

I can run her over with
a riding lawnmower,

shred the bitch.

Oh, that's beautiful, honey.

You can watch
your cartoons later.

It's the grownups'
time now, honey.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Red. I hear you
got family in Queens.

What about them?

I was wondering if your husband

could give my son a
ride up here sometime.

I'll trade you whatever.
I've asked everyone...

Dmitri won't be
visiting anymore.

Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

He's a worthless
mushroom of a man.

I've known a few of those.

Maybe we should
give up and be gay.

We got the haircuts.

[both chuckle]

There an angle in this
place you ain't working?

Watch and learn, Mendoza.

[clicks tongue, chuckles]

Ooh, pah!

The food lady from
the TV got arrested!

Wait. What?! Oh, shit.

- Is it Nigella?
- Mnh-mnh.

- The trashy one?
- Mnh-mnh.

- The snotty one?
- Mnh-mnh.

Ooh, it's the one with the
plantation kind of vibe going on

but in a fun way?

- Yeah!
- [laughs]

- Yeah! Had something
to do with her taxes.
- Yeah, Judy King!

There was
microphones everywhere.

And they almost
stuck one in her ear.

Oh, Lord, if you
really out there,

please, please, please
let her come to Litchfield.

Please, please, please!

[Crazy Eyes] Um... what?

I think your laundry
might be alive.

No, that's that furry alkie
been stealing my jail juice.

Yeah, I caught it this morning.

Turn that punk
into a hat. [chuckles]

What?

Okay.

We gonna have to talk.

What?

[sighs]

So, stations one and two,

you will be at the cutting
tables this morning

cutting patterns.

And then everyone else can
start assembling the pieces.

We will switch out after
lunch to avoid fatigue.

[Anita laughs]

Look sharp, ladies. It's up to us to
help the lovers of the world get it on.

[vocalizing]

That's enough, DeMarco.

Come on, Donaldson.

Live a little, huh?

Cut it out, okay?

This shit's right up my alley.

Sewed all my kids'
clothes till high school.

- [chuckles]
- I bet they loved that.

Man, somehow my khakis
be feelin' extra khaki right now.

Oh, come on, Gonzales.
Looks are superficial.

Everybody knows it's
about talent, originality,

a sense of humor.

[woman on PA] MCC
is looking to train...

[both laugh]

[snorts]

What do you think it's
like to be her in real life?

Mm, she eats pills and ice cream

and cries at night,
and she cuts herself,

but on her scalp
so no one can see.

- So, it's still better
than our lives.
- I would be her in a second.

[sewing machines whirring]

[indistinct conversations]

[sighs] White
bitches, white bitches.

All right, check it.

How many pages you think it is

before they put in
the token blackie?

And how dark is she?

Scale of one to... Grace Jones.

All right.

Fourteen and four.

All right. [scoffs]

Fourteen and
four. Let's find out.

Ah!

- So close. Here she is.
- [Janae] Oh, man.

Page 11.

- That's not too bad.
- Mm-hmm.

She like a two.

The bitch got blue eyes.

Yeah, true.

But, damn, look
at her abs, though.

I know, right?

So, I jump out the
window. I fall two floors.

I land on the
awning. I slide off.

I grab the delivery
boy's bicycle,

and I'm out of there. I'm gone.

And that is how I pull off

the biggest jewel heist
in Chandler, Arizona.

I got to say, you are the
cutest gunslinger I've ever met.

[chuckles] Thank you so much.

And I do love guns.

The old ones and the newer ones.

I'm saving up for a
1962 Remington 700.

That's the year they came out.

Push-feed action, 3.2
millisecond lock time.

Ooh! Just hearing
you talk about that

makes me want to go
out and shoot something!

Ah.

Now you're making me sad.

You're never gonna be able
to buy a gun again, are you?

What?

As a convicted felon,
you can't own a gun.

Oh, right.

Right.

That is terrible, isn't it?

I mean, that should
be a fundamental right,

like freedom of speech, right?

I mean, what is
happening to our country?

It's the fall of Rome.

[scoffs] Don't even get
me started on Rome.

I've never written
to an inmate before.

I didn't know what to expect.

But you're... great.

[sighs]

You're great, too.

Can I come see you again?

I think that would be fine.

You think we weren't
gonna find out?

I ain't never found out.

Nobody said a damn
word to me about an ad.

All due respect, sir, but
I am gonna have to call

a massive amount
of bullshit on that.

My kid's got asthma,
and out of pocket,

her inhaler costs
like $300 a month.

I could get heroin for cheaper.

- I understand.
- Do you?

'Cause it seems like the only
job you saved around here

was your own.

You're still full time. You
still have health insurance.

You... you think that's
what this is about?

Huh? I got mine, now
I'm gonna cut you loose?

It doesn't not look
like that, does it?

Guess we can put
the couch on AirBnB

to pay for your wrist surgery.

Listen to me.

Even if I didn't give two
shits about you clowns,

which is not the case,

I would still want to fix this
just to get you off my jock.

I promise you.

I think that was
his way of saying

he cares what happens to us.

Exactly.

If you care about
us, you should say it.

Say you care about us.

No.

Say you love us.

We're family in here.

You love us, and you're
gonna turn this thing around.

Say it!

[sighs]

I...

I love you.

[Ford] That's more like it.

[indistinct radio chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

Hi.

I would like a
kosher meal, please.

We got beef noodles and peas.

It's a religious thing, which
means Uncle Sam says

you got to provide
it when asked for.

That's actually true.

Well, we don't have it.

Kosher's in extra-deep freeze,
where it's been for months

because nobody ever asked for it

when they were eating
tasty, nutritious Russian fusion.

But now... this is
what it's come to.

Some tweaker wants kosher.

[utensil clacks]

We don't got enough to
deal with around here?

Now we got Jews?

La Red says it's in the back.

[chuckles]

This actually looks pretty good.

No noodles. All peas.

You want cake?

Just peas. Two milk.

[indistinct chatter continues]

Food is to be eaten
in the cafeteria.

Uh, yeah, totally. I'm
just running out real quick.

- I'm gonna come right back.
- Really?

Or are you gonna stash that
cake in your locker for later

and then pretend
you don't know why

there are roaches in B dorm?

My dreams make me hungry.

[sighs]

[door hinges squeak]

[chips crunching]

[sighs heavily]

You know what sucks?

Belonging to a race that doesn't
commit enough low-value crimes

to be relevant in
a place like this.

Where's my big,
Asian prison family?

You Scottish.

[Brook] Not to
white people, I'm not.

One drop of ethnic
blood, and bam,

I'm basically made in China
like you and my toothbrush.

You Scottish!

- [sighs]
- [microwave beeps]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct conversations]

[ball bouncing in distance]

[doorbell jingles]

[doorbell jingles]

[laughter]

[sewing machine whirring]

[Black Cindy] Come
on, man. God damn.

[scoffs]

Oh! God damn it!

[Flaca laughs]

There's a one-legged
chick out there

that's gonna be
real grateful for that.

Ain't you planning on doing
any sewing while you here?

I'll get to it.

I'm like The
Flash with this shit.

What page you got to get to
before you see a Spanish girl?

If you're talking about Latinas,

it's like 20 different
countries that all look different.

See this blond chick?

She could be Latina.
You don't know.

[Black Cindy] Let me see.

Nah, she probably ain't, though.

No, probably not.

Man, I got to start
running or something.

I ran all the time, and boys
just thought I was weird.

It's all Photoshopped anyway.

Special lighting,
tape, and shit.

We're chasing an
unachievable standard.

I ain't chasing nothing.
I'm a strong black woman.

We got a different standard
of beauty in our community.

- Not true.
- Excuse me?

- Beyoncé.
- Unh-unh.

Don't you say nothing about Bey.

She ain't out there
with her nappy hair

and her plus-sized
dashiki, okay?

She's playing a white-girl game.

And she winning.

Winning!

And you proving my
point exactly, Morticia.

There's hella ways for
black women to be beautiful.

A white girl, though.

Mm-hmm. They
just got to be skinny.

[Frieda] Ouch!

Jesus H!

That's the third time.

Did you ever wear anything
like this back in your day?

- In my day?
- Mm-hmm.

That's kind of insulting.

Sorry.

In my day, I wore fuck all.

[chuckles]

Either got to do it or not.

Get to the banging.

- Hmm.
- That's my philosophy.

You know, I kind
of like lingerie.

I think it's less about
seducing someone else

and more about
feeling sexy yourself.

I mean, I know it's ridiculous,

but when it's not being
ridiculous, I think...

I think it can make
you feel... powerful.

- [chuckles]
- [Frieda laughs]

What?

You should hear yourself.

Like, "Help, I'm
the skinny, hot girl,

but I need a little
something extra

to make me feel sexy."

If you knew me, you would know

I am definitely
not the hot girl.

"Help! The burden of
my genetic perfection,

it's so heavy and so unfair."

Genes are genes, and
they do not take away

from my God-given
right to look in the mirror

and feel shitty about my thighs.

You're tall and blonde,

and your legs are
up to your neck.

Relax. Enjoy it.

I double-majored
in Communications

and Comparative Literature.

Of course you did.

Why are Betties always going on
about how nerdy they really are?

It's like just fucking
own it, you know?

Like when rich people
pretend they're not rich.

[Stella] Exactly.

Maybe it's because Betties
get treated like they're stupid.

Well, then, don't be stupid.

Women.

You don't consider yourself
a member of that category?

I do.

But only because
my options are limited.

So I dive out the
window. I fall two floors.

I land splat on the
awning, jump down,

grab the delivery guy's
bicycle, and scram.

And that is how I became

the most wanted arsonist
in Winter Park, Florida.

Shit. That is intense.

Well, you know...
life is intense.

Sometimes, you
need an escape route.

I guess that's why
we both love anime.

Right. Who doesn't
need a break from reality?

My prison reality, your
suburban Connecticut reality.

Oh, last year, I got in such
a huge fight at the Expo.

Some dude's like, "If you
got a horn on your head,

You can't be Pegasus.
Pegasus isn't a unicorn."

And I'm like, "In Sailor
Moon, he is, bitch."

That shit got crazy.

- Oh, what a bitch.
- Yeah.

What's your favorite anime?

Oh, it's very obscure.

You probably
haven't heard of it.

[chuckles]

It's this animal-human
hybrid thing.

It's by an artist
named Dayanara Diaz.

It's really out there.

I'll have to check it out.

I like you, Lorna.

And I like you, too... Ron.

I'll be honest with you.

The last girl I met in
this prison pen-pal thing

turned out to be...
a little heavier.

And I don't go for that.

But you've got a normal BMI
and a very symmetrical face.

Oh, stop.

[woman on PA] MCC
appreciates your honest feedback.

We strive for excellence.

Thank you.

[scoffs lightly]

So now you're ignoring me, hmm?

My son used to do
this when he was five.

You tried to play me, Red.

You were insincere,

and you capitalized
on my sensitivities.

I want the kitchen back.

What other choice did I have?

[drawer closes] You could
have asked me nicely.

Aww. And that would have worked?

Possibly. I'm a person.

We're people.

No one in here is people.

You think this is a
normal relationship?

Human to human.

I take advantage, you
get your feelings hurt.

You forget that when
you leave here tonight,

you lock me in behind you.

Hey. I don't make the rules.

You take a woman's power away,

her work, her
family, her currency.

You leave her with one coin...
the one she was born with.

It may be tawdry and demeaning,

but if she has to,
she will spend it.

[sighs] But you're right.

Your feelings count, too.

I mean, you couldn't give a
guy a heads-up on this fiasco?

I got COs up my ass
like a lemon-juice enema.

Oh, like your mom
never did it to you?

Come on.

I should have told you.

One of those things.

You know, you get
the call from upstairs.

I-I probably found out
five minutes before you did.

Yeah, well, it stinks.

I 100 percent get why
these guys are upset,

but on the other hand, you know, keeping
tabs on that many inmates takes a toll.

These guys, uh,
start making mistakes.

You know, cutting hours gives
these guys some downtime.

They rest up, they...
they come in fresh.

Yeah, to a job they no
longer give two shits about

'cause you cut their benefits,
and they're making bupkis.

Good point. Good
point, you know.

But... [sighs]
between you and me,

I'm not too happy about
this whole thing, either.

I mean, you obviously know
more about Litchfield than anybody.

Who should be calling the shots?

You or some fucking
corporate bigwig?

The ad says all
you need to apply

is a GED. And no felonies.

I mean, they really
think that's all it takes?

Although, Luschek, am I right?

[sighs]

Yeah, I don't know
how that happened.

I got to tell you, Pearson,

the last few years
have been a rough ride.

I've been through the shit.

Can we get two more of these?

[glass thuds]

[Pearson] I tell you what.

The applications have
been coming to me,

which is crazy.

You should be doing the hiring.

You know exactly what you need.

Who knows? Maybe you'll find
some, uh, hidden gems in there.

I guess you never know.

Yeah. That's the spirit.

My neck is fucking killing me.

Hell, yeah. Sewing is no joke.

Uh, uh, hey, what
you got on your tray?

Eggs in some kind
of tomato sauce.

I did not see no eggs
up there. You see eggs?

Mnh-mnh. I did not see eggs.

It's kosher. You
got to ask for it.

Kosher?

Like some pickles, kosher?

No, there's all these
Jewish laws about food.

Kosher means they
obeyed all the laws.

They make it special.

Well, you don't
look Jewish to me.

I'm Lutheran. From Norway.

But they're not allowed
to ask you about that

on account of the Holocaust,

so I don't say shit.

[sighs]

Mnh-mnh.

This changes everything.

My back is in spasm.

And all of my fingers hurt.

Wait. Have you
been cheating on me?

I have been touching
many panties.

Which reminds me, I
brought you a souvenir.

Meet your new bunkie.

She is damaged
in all the right ways

and has big naturals.

I call her Lola.

You get everything about me.

Whoa. Hold up.

These bras cost $90?

I know, right? And I get
45 cents to make them.

It's basically slave labor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You do not get to say
what's slavery, okay?

- Mnh-mnh.
- I get to say what's slavery.

And P.S., technically, it's
more like indentured servitude.

Mm-hmm.

[Black Cindy] Y'all know
nothing about that slave life.

[snaps fingers] We
making a dollar an hour.

That's like ten times
what we got before.

But the other jobs are
about prison upkeep.

The Whispers people
are profiting from this.

- I'm okay with that.
- Mm-hmm. Me, too.

Your oatmeal's getting cold.

Do you know
anything about birds?

- What? Like birds in general?
- Anything.

Well, owls eat whole mice
and then throw up the bones.

- [Piper] Mm-hmm.
- Big Bird is yellow.

Coq au vin is delicious.

And you're being
crazy right now.

Oh, everybody needs a hobby.

Morello, think about
the kind of guys

who write to women in prison.

If you want a boyfriend,

you might want to
fish in a different bowl.

No, no, no, no. It
is not about that.

It is a straight-up
moneymaking thing.

You get one of these
bozos on the hook,

and they are just throwing
money in your commissary.

Throwing it in.

All right.

Well, if that's all it is.

But you don't have to do this.

I mean, Chapman's
hauling in so much bank now,

she's gonna buy us all a pony.

[speaking Chinese]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct shouting]

Not cool.

Throw it back.

What a dick.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Hmm?

[vehicle approaches]

[engine shuts off]

[car door closes]

Hey, Park.

I thought you died.

[Park] Just get your shit, man.

Big turtles. Venezuela.

Okay.

[sighs]

Huh? [speaks Chinese]

[grunting]

[metal scrapes]

[gun cocks]

[coughs]

[indistinct announcement
over PA System]

[Caputo] So my
new applicant pool

is basically the cast of
fucking Animal House.

I'd cry for you, but
I'm all out of Kleenex.

I got to play the game, okay?

Look at what they send me.

This guy's total
work experience,

seven months in a RadioShack

that he ended up leaving
for creative differences,

which probably means
he's got a Nazi tattoo.

Look, this guy,
he, uh, answered,

"Have you ever been
convicted of a felony?"

With "It's complicated."

Hey, you know who has
a ton of work experience

and a clean record and
who wants a job here?

Fucking me.

I even have a uniform
and everything.

[indistinct radio
chatter in distance]

Let's get through this, Maxwell.

[sighs]

I'm gonna show them
that I'm a good pawn

and that I'm
willing to play ball.

And then, in a few
months, I tell them,

"Look, we tried it your way.

Now I need my guys full time."

I miss Fig.

Right. Right.

Send one of these
jokers back to my office.

- Which one?
- Thrill me.

[telephone rings]

Hey. Hey, boss man.

I got interviews, Healy.

With those yahoos
in the lobby? Yikes.

I don't envy your job today.

I never felt closer to you.

Hey, listen, I don't
know what else

these MCC goons
got up their sleeve,

but I want you to know I
got full confidence in you.

I know you're doing
the best that you can.

- I can see that.
- Thank you.

Us old timers got to
stick together, okay?

I got your back all the way.

I appreciate that.

Good luck, all right?

Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor
and sign this real quick for me.

You want Reznikov
back in the kitchen?

She was running a whole
black market out of there.

Yeah, but that wasn't proven.

And we got all new
vendors in the kitchen now.

And don't forget,

we just lost Gonzales
to the underwear people.

[sighs] I don't know.
I don't know, Healy.

[Healy] I'll keep an eye on her.

She'll start off at the bottom

washing dishes,
doing the onions.

We got a lot bigger
problems here, man.

[pen scribbles]

Do not mistake my kindness
for weakness, counselor.

[pen clacks]

I'll keep that in mind.

Sideboob!

[telephone rings]

[sewing machines
whirring intermittently]

[man on PA] MCC personnel
financial assessment, 4-2-0.

Huh.

Uh, Mr. Brand?

You know, if you
smoosh these patterns

just a little bit closer
together, you can actually get

an extra lacy Low-rider
Indiscretion bikini

from the same piece of fabric.

Thanks for your advice, inmate.

It was really more
of an observation.

Let's just assume
that Whispers, Inc.

Knows how they want
to make panties, okay?

[indistinct conversations]

[Stella] See?

Even C-minus-looking
people can be stupid.

[chuckles]

You closing up?

I got time for one more.

I need my neck shaved.

No one ever wants
anything fun around here.

I'm guessing fun to you means

a two-foot poufy thing
with a birdcage in it.

And what would be
so terrible about that?

I mean, especially
in a place like this,

we could use some...
some originality, some sass.

Mnh-mnh. Not getting
noticed is my main goal.

[sighs] Sass is what
lands you in seg.

[chuckles] I feel that.

Really? 'Cause you
doing the opposite.

You got this whole thing
going on, the hair, the makeup.

I mean, who has the energy to
go full MAC counter every day?

Listen, after all I
went through to be me,

I'm not about to let shit slide.

Yeah, but you all
up in our face with it,

like all blown-out and shit.

Look, if you wanted to
look like a real woman,

you would let
your roots grow out

and get some bags
under your eyes.

You know, historically,
me and reality, not friends.

Mm. You got me there.

This one time, I'm getting on
the Metro-North to head home,

and this mouth breather,
this mouth breather

comes right up behind me
and smacks me on the ass.

- And I'm thinking...
- I'm sorry.

Could you go back a second

to the part where you're
on the Metro-North?

What about it?

Where you live?

Yonkers. Childhood home
of Mary J. Blige and Anthrax.

You know that my son, you
know, Benny, he's in the Bronx.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

You think that maybe, um,

he could ride up here
sometimes with your wife?

You know, for visitation?

'Cause he could take
the bus to their house.

I'll ask her.

[chuckles]

I'm feeling sassier already.

- Mm-hmm.
- [chuckles]

Glad you could come
out for a real visit.

[indistinct conversations]

Nice drive.

First time in prison's
always weird.

You must feel like a starling.

A what, now?

A common starling.

You know, how they
weren't native to America,

and then that guy
Eugene brought them over

'cause he wanted it to be
like Shakespeare's time.

Right. Sure.

I think I saw a hermit
thrush yesterday.

At least I think it
was a hermit thrush.

It was all by itself, so...

My uncle had a parakeet.

Knew how to swear in Italian,
but he shit all over the house.

You're not that
into birds, are you?

I got nothing against them,

but mostly, I'm into Brazilian
jiu-jitsu... like I wrote you.

Oh, sure. jiu-jitsu.

Everybody loves jiu-jitsu.

It's delicious.

[breathing heavily]

You want to tell me
what's going on here?

No, nothing... nothing...
nothing's going on.

It's... it's a little
misunderstanding.

No, you think I'm some bird guy?

No.

What is this? Is this a scam?

Trying to get money
or something?

No, no, no, no, no.
Not about money.

I'm supposed to believe that?

You're the top contract killer
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Look, the only person
that cared about me,

they took her away to max.

And I'm so lonely.

[Voice breaking] And I thought
if I wrote to enough people,

then maybe I will find
somebody, and... oh.

[sobbing] I watched so
much Discovery Channel.

[sobs, sniffles]

[Vince sighs]

Hold up, hey.

Hey.

I don't care how many
other guys you wrote.

I'm just glad I get to meet you.

[sighs]

"I'm glad you confronted me

about your feelings,
Gina-bo-bina.

I see now that the way I
treated you was wrong."

"Thank you... Mom.

I feel so much better
about our relationship.

If you weren't
dead, I'd hug you."

"I think you forgot that
anything is possible...

in your imagination."

[whispers] You hug. You hug.

Oh.

[Berdie] Very nice, ladies.

And a big hand to Gina,

who shared a piece
of her life with us.

[light applause]

Dead is dead is gone forever.

You don't say that
you can still give hugs.

It's irresponsible.

'Cause you can't.

You regularly talk to a mop.

[woman] Burn.

Okay. Okay.

You did great.

Who's next?

[woman clears throat]

Come on.

Anyone?

[grunts]

Aah!

[groans]

[groans]

[coughs]

[as Chang] "Cut
out his gall bladder!"

"Please, no! I was dummy.

- I made big mistake.
- [chuckles]

You are strong and
beautiful like a horse.

Please forgive me."

[laughs]

"Uh, too late for sorry now.

[sputters]

Kill him."

[Angie] "I must die now
for being the worst person.

I accept your wisdom.

Girl power."

[grunts]

Pfff!

[chuckles]

And now I eat his... [sighs]

[normal voice] Okay, I don't
feel comfortable saying this.

It's disgusting.

Okay. Okay. We can stop here.

I did say to re-imagine
old resentments,

but I think you took this a
little too far to be constructive.

I liked it.

[spectators murmur]

All fake.

Show biz.

Yeah! See?

[indistinct conversations]

Hey. Big talkin' missy.

Out of the kitchen,
into the sweatshop.

Turns out your mobility
ain't so upwards, huh?

Fuck off, Ruiz.

At least my hair doesn't
smell like a deep fryer.

[chuckles]

Unh-unh, I'm gonna
need one of them

kosher meals
y'all got back there.

You ain't even Jewish.

You think you know my life?

Fine.

Yeah. Shabbat shalom, bitch.

How much longer
you gonna stay mad?

Man, do you know how hard it is

to get a squirrel
into a laundry bag?

[chuckles] No. I
took it a little too far.

Hooch jacking.

But you was pissing

and setting traps
like Elmer Fudd, man.

The shit was funny.

- [laughs]
- [clicks tongue]

But also, I was
worried about you.

Well, you know, if I
was worried about you,

I'd have made you some
goddamn soup or something.

Excellent point.

But you think you might want to
cut down on the sauce, though?

Like, just to make sure you can?

I ain't hurting nobody.

[fork taps] Um, excuse
me, Miss Poussey?

This is your liver speaking.

It just makes me
feel better, okay?

Makes me feel like I
can get through this.

Come with me to AA.

[scoffs]

Come on, man. It'll be fun.

You ain't even an addict.

You just make up crazy stories

- about shit
that ain't even happened.
- So?

And everybody
got to listen to you.

It's your personal
open-mike night.

Well, instead of poetry slam,

it's like poetry slammer.

- No.
- Come on.

Give us... us freestyle.

Oh, you pulling out
the Amistad now.

Damn. [chuckles]

[clears throat]

I just feel like this place
is beating me down.

I don't need no
audience to talk at.

[chuckles]

I need a girlfriend.

Like, a real one.

You know?

Love.

[woman on PA] MCC
is looking to train you

for your job on the outside.

See human resources.

No!

[breathing heavily]

O'neill, I hired a new
guard, first of many,

and I'm gonna need you
guys to show them the ropes.

Help yourself.

[O'Neill] Red velvet is shit.

[toilet flushes]

You like Bo Derek, Tarzan, 1981.

Please pretend that
you didn't just see this.

I don't see nothing.

I just wanted to feel pretty.

Chang.

I'm sorry about the other day.

Thank you, lesbian.

[spits]

Mei!

Huh?

[man] No!

- [knife plunges]
- [screaming]

[♪ The Singles'
"Rebel Girl" plays]

♪ That girl thinks she's the
queen of the neighborhood ♪

♪ She got the
hottest trike in town ♪

Ay, coño.

Hey. Cuidao.

♪ I think I wanna be
her best friend, yeah ♪

♪ Rebel girl Rebel girl ♪

♪ Rebel girl, you are
the queen of my world ♪

I'm back.

♪ Rebel girl ♪

♪ I think I wanna
take you home ♪

♪ I wanna try on your clothes ♪

♪ Unh ♪

♪ When she talks, I
hear the revolution ♪

♪ In her hips,
there's revolutions ♪

♪ Where she walks,
the revolution's coming ♪

♪ In her kiss, I
taste the revolution ♪

♪ Rebel girl Rebel girl ♪

♪ Rebel girl, you are
the queen of my world ♪

♪ Rebel girl Rebel girl ♪

♪ I know I wanna take you home ♪

♪ I wanna try on your clothes ♪

♪ Love you like
a sister always ♪

♪ Soul sister, rebel girl ♪

♪ Come and be my best friend ♪

♪ Will you, rebel girl? ♪

♪ I really like you ♪

♪ I really want to
be your best friend ♪

♪ Be my rebel girl ♪