Original subtitles

♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full, the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting, waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

Nah.

Don't get up.

I'm all good, thanks.

Look...

All right, all right.

Arms and the Man by Bernard Shaw.

You read that one before?

- Mnh-mnh. - After a horrifying sawing accident

leaves him armless,

the man sets out on a journey of self-discovery,

realizing that legs can do everything that arms can!

Is this what you do all day?

Well, I mean, I got a nap scheduled later, too.

It probably means "arms" as in "weapons."

Oh. Yo, it could be both. You know?

Like... like, dude ain't go no arms,

he got to figure out how to hold his weapon with his feet.

Like, "Freeze, bitch!"

Ain't you got anything better to do with yourself?

Did you not hear about that nap situation?

Man.

You fucking lucky, 'cause maintenance sucks, yo.

You should see what piles up in the corners of the showers.

Little pube-tropolis of buildings and shit

for spiders and... and bacteria living their lives, growing...

Well, see, you went urban, right?

I would have said "A hair jungle," right?

Spiders be jumping from pube to pube.

Bacteria's all like, "Fuck! It rains a lot here!

Get off me!"

Did you hear about the new job crew?

Supposed to pay a buck an hour.

A buck an hour?

Shit, whatever that is,

it's probably way worse than pube town.

Oh, it's a pube town now?

Man, this place ain't fool you enough

with that... that job-fair bullshit?

Um, excuse me. Pause.

I got two Cherry Pepsis off of that mug,

plus bragging rights.

Yo... fuck that, man.

My job is the shit. You know?

I mean, worth way more than buck an hour.

You cannot put a price on entspannung.

That's relaxation.

Case in point, I'ma go take me a dip in the honey jar.

Um, it's 8:00 in the morning.

You drinking already?

It's always 5:00 in prison.

What the fuck?

What's up?

Yo!

My honey's been jacked.

"Winnie the Pooh: Tales from the Ghetto."

Man, these were full yesterday.

Maybe some animal got to them.

You forgetting we living with a bunch of thieves.

Mm!

Hey, boss.

I still haven't heard anything

from these corporate guys about our benefits.

And I finally got my prescription set up online,

you know, with our old plan.

Had to pay my niece 50 bucks to help me figure it out.

Please, please tell me there aren't gonna be any changes.

Haven't heard.

C dorm got their new mattresses this morning,

plus stall doors on all the bathrooms.

Smoke and mirrors. I know it.

And I don't trust it.

Did you two walk through the door

into a paying job this morning?

Uh-huh.

You're welcome.

Is everything all right?

I needed to cool off.

I'm sweating in places I didn't even know that sweated.

Well, stick an ice cube in your bra and get back to work.

I got to get these inventory numbers to the new guys by 3:00.

Where's Norma? I thought she was helping.

I wouldn't mind handling a big hose.

I hear they're setting up a call center.

Ahh.

With my sexy voice, I'll be making mad commissions.

Commissions. Right.

You get ten percent of nothing on every nothing you nothing.

Look, nobody here is applying to the new job.

Comprende?

We got a good thing going here.

Norma! One potato, two potato. Start counting.

And the rest of you start slicing carrots,

and be grateful that you're not scrubbing toilets no more.

What you got there?

Oh, you busting out on your own now?

No. Right.

Go count that with the others.

Vamos!

I need numbers!

What if it turns out to be, like,

picking up trash on the side of the road?

They don't pay that much for dummy work.

Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna take skills and smarts.

Yeah, what are you gonna wow them with,

your eyeliner skills or your smarts

about how many words rhyme with "bleak" in emo songs?

Fuck you and your stupid sad face.

We didn't take your baby away, okay?

Oh, yeah? You should shut up about shit you don't know about.

- You should shut up. - Hey!

You know, at least I got ambition.

Whoa!

You, go scrub some pans.

What? Gross! She started this shit!

Now!

I'm so done with this depressing-ass place.

I just really miss you.

I'm so jealous.

Oh, baby, it's work. And it's fuckin' Ke$ha.

You're not missing anything, seriously.

When you gonna let me sell with you?

Or sell my own stuff?

My phone bill is, like, crazy every month.

Just give me a little something.

The kids at my school are, like, dying for it.

If you need money for your phone bill, I got you.

I want to make my own money.

So I can buy you a present.

You're my present, baby.

I got to go, baby.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

This is for a wedding? It's got no back.

It's Emma Stone's Golden Globe dress... the peach one.

But Mrs. Ramirez is like 57.

She's still got a nice back.

Looks really good.

I know. I do good work.

But even if I didn't...

I'm gonna sew a Calvin Klein label on it.

So now you're Theresa Gonzales for Calvin Klein?

Hey, more often than not, people believe what you tell them.

What's all this scuttlebutt with the new job assignment?

"Scuttlebutt"?

The gossip. The lowdown.

The 411.

Oh.

Someone said it was a party-planning job.

I stopped listening after that.

Electrical sucks without Nicky's running commentary.

I wouldn't... mind a new job assignment.

Is my look off-putting?

Off-putting?

Harsh, scary.

Not pleasing.

There is a certain... hardness...

to your overall... thing.

Listen to you, being frank and honest.

Good.

Now tell me how to soften things.

I thought that you and Dmitri were kaput.

That was not an invitation to pry into my life.

Little beauty advice is all I'm after.

Beauty comes from the inside.

Mm.

However... smudging the corner of your eyeliner,

not spiking your hair,

and a lighter lip couldn't hurt.

Um... Ha!

Hey, Pearson.

Morning.

You know, "Danny" is fine.

Oh, well, we... we mostly use last names around here.

Cool. Cool. Yeah.

Whatever you think makes sense.

You need to go?

Oh, no. No.

I just... I-I-I had my hands... had to wash my hands.

Sometimes I need to count five metal objects before I can pee.

Huh?

Door hinge, door hinge, flusher, tap, faucet.

Got this place wired.

After you.

Oh. Sure.

Y-you guys fired the warden.

That was a surprise.

Yeah. Well, we absorbed the position.

Whatever that means.

Like we, uh, soaked him up or something.

But, uh, good news for you, though, is, uh, you know,

you're our main man on the ground.

Everyone's been very happy so far.

Oh, great. Great.

I-I... I was thinking, maybe we could have a meeting,

all of us, old, new,

make... make sure we're on the same page.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

No, I-I think Jones or maybe Carson

is setting something like that up.

Everyone's checking their calendars.

Takes forever, you know what I mean?

Just, like, everyone wants to be the alpha dog.

"This time, that time, woof!"

But, uh, I'll make the call on it soon.

You'll make the call?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll let you know.

Mr. Caputo...

Oh!

I made these for you.

Look at that.

Any word on that new job situation?

Unconfirmed, Black. Keep moving.

Fine.

But I want you to know

that I have a wide array of talents

besides the criminal and papier-maché variety.

Oh, I am sure you do.

Okay.

How do they, uh, know about the job?

Well, you... you're renovating a building out there

that's been empty since the '90s.

Any sniff in a break in the monotony,

and these girls are all over it.

In fact, that was one of the things

I was hoping we could all discuss.

You throw off the whole prison economy

when you introduce a job

that's paying ten times the going rate.

I mean, it could get ugly.

Yeah, I could see that.

Well, we, uh, we have a system

that I think will, uh, limit the ugliness.

- A system. - Yeah.

That's great. Well, maybe... maybe we can talk more about that?

Sure. Yeah. Talk right now.

Go up to my office,

could pour us a couple big glasses of water.

- I, um... - You have to pee, don't you?

- Very much so. - All right. To be continued.

Okay, okay.

Oh!

Oh. Oh.

- Hello. - Red.

Were you coming by to see me?

Came in for a drink of water. It's a beautiful day.

Is it? I was stuck inside doing paperwork.

- Oh. - Who's the real prisoner?

Still me... I think.

Hey, y-you look...

I don't know. You look lighter.

I feel lighter.

The new regime has fixed all the soap dispensers.

Feels like opportunities are sprouting up all around us.

It's funny that you say that.

Just the other day, I was talking to some...

Hey, Healy, I got a question for you.

- Reznikov, is it? - Red.

Berdie. Sorry to interrupt.

Um, do you know who I can get to drill a hole in my desk?

I want to run my lamp and computer cords through

so they're not all hanging out there, you know?

When you need something like that done,

it needs to be cleared through admin first.

What? That's silly. Who's on maintenance crew?

You're on your own with this one.

Come on. Give me a name.

Try Bortolino or Wiggins. They'll be able to help you.

Awesome. Thank you.

You should come visit me, Red.

Check out my clean, cordless environment.

We'll have a cup of tea.

See you later, Healy.

Not enjoying your new colleague, hm?

She's perky. I mean, who's that perky?

I agree. Perk is for coffee.

It's deplorable in people.

You missed a button.

There you go. Now you're perfect.

Thank you.

I-I was just gonna go and, uh...

get myself a perky cup of coffee in the break room.

Well, don't drink too much.

Coffee can inflame the lining of the small intestine

and lead to irritable bowels.

I'll... keep that in mind.

You know what some cultures do to people who steal eggs?

They cut their hands off.

According to my last count, you owe me four fucking hands.

When I helped you out with the Vee situation,

we had a little cross-cultural understanding.

But I don't remember giving you permission

to set up your own shop, magic Norma.

Especially not for free and especially

when you don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Santeria is some serious shit.

You start messing around, you piss off the orishas...

Mira! I...

I don't need that on me.

And that's why...

I'm gonna take back...

my candle.

Oh, look... my eggs.

My beads.

My honey.

This ain't your history.

It ain't your culture.

It stops now.

Fine. You can keep the honey.

But it's for eating only.

I see you anointing anything with this,

it's gonna be the last sweet thing in your life.

Prisoner maintenance detail to the cell room.

I don't care what Gloria says. I'm going for it.

Gonna kill that interview like I did job fair.

But you lost job fair.

Yeah, but this time, there won't be an audience

so they won't get all, like, PC

and give it to that fat mayate so she don't get all sad.

Gloria's right, though.

It's good, all of us together.

Who knows who they'll stick in to replace you?

What if she's mean or likes Coldplay or something?

It's all gelling right now.

So, I'm supposed to put on that feo hairnet

and scrub pots and pans every day because it's gelling?

I'm so much better than that.

You saying you're better than me?

No! You're good, too.

All I'm saying is that I got aspirations.

I always have, even in here.

You know, when I wear that apron in the kitchen,

I'm really wearing it ironically.

Wow.

I had no idea.

So, I thought, I got to do like my mom and just knock it off.

You can do, like, chemistry?

Nah, nah.

Not even.

So, I found, like, blotter clip art,

I printed it out, I wet it a little bit.

Then I blow-dried it, made little squares,

and I was in business selling fake designer acid.

Brought it to the game on Friday.

- By halftime, sold out. - What?

I made some more yesterday... little cherries. So cute.

And check it... bought me some flatforms.

Oh! Those are cute.

They're like flats and platforms in one.

Wow. That's why they're called flatforms, dumbass.

Yo, Marisol.

Hey, Arturo.

Arturo's friends.

Willy said he saw green alien guys

when he was tripping on your shit.

They were leprechauns.

Dude, "aliens" sounds so much cooler.

But they had little hats.

Aliens can't have little hats

because of their antennas or whatever.

Do you think you could hook us up again?

My boy Jason here wants to try it.

Lately, he's been kind of down.

Yeah, I could hook you up.

But remember, it's not for escaping reality.

It's for, like, embracing it.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God. It's totally working.

People will believe what you tell them.

Until they don't.

Someone's gonna come back pissed

and ask for a refund or punch you in the face or something.

No, no, no, no, no.

If they come back, I say, "hold up.

What happened when you took it?"

And if they say, "nothing," I say, "What is nothing?"

Because some people say there was nothing

when the universe was created,

but, like, isn't empty space still something?

Open your mind to the possibilities.

Maybe you're not doing it right."

And then they come back

because they feel like they didn't do it right.

Girl, I thought this shit through.

- You're such a mad genius. - Yep.

Look at you. 'Round and 'round.

'Round all around. That's nice.

Just get to it. Did you find him?

Daya, that fucker hobbled away into the sunset.

I got into his house.

Nothing left except some shitty clothes.

Found a mug in the sink that looked like a grenade.

I thought that was cool. I saved that for you.

But he's gone.

Daya, fuck that guy.

You're better off.

He had one leg.

I mean, you go around losing body parts,

that's some pretty irresponsible shit.

I was such a bitch.

I drove him away.

You have a life growing inside of you.

That makes you say and do all kinds of crazy shit

that make no sense.

But a real man knows he has to suck it up

and take it for nine months.

Maybe you get a little side action if need be.

But you don't split.

Even your loser father stuck around till you was two.

The leaving is on him.

That's not on you.

So, what's gonna happen now?

You're gonna take the baby, right?

Uh... whoa.

Daya, I love you and I love your mother,

but shit is real hard out here, okay?

And then your holy abuela, you know,

she hookin' up with some old dude that she met at tai chi.

Hardly ever see her anymore.

Christina.

Christina got some decent mommy skills.

Maybe she can take care of the baby for a little while.

She's in junior high.

So what?

Junior high will still be there.

Plus, she's already done, what, two years?

Yo, it's all good. It's all good.

I actually thought he loved me.

And he probably did, Daya.

All guys love you... because you're such a good girl.

But you know what?

Sometimes love ain't stronger than débil.

That guy was a bitch.

This inside me, it feels like a grenade right now.

And soon, it's gonna blow up and take me with it.

It's not a mug.

My poor baby, man.

I'm sorry, Daya.

If it makes you feel any better,

next time I see that motherfucker,

I'm gonna rape his ass with a broken bottle

and I'm gonna shoot him in the stomach so he bleeds slow.

That, I'm gonna do for you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You need to complete the test in 12 minutes.

Twelve minutes.

Be honest with your answers.

And all pencils must be returned at the end of the test.

If you do not return your pencils, you will be given a...

- Present. - Shot.

Well, look who's here.

A test?

Shit.

I fucking suck at taking tests.

I get all itchy and anxious.

Can't think straight.

Don't turn the test over till I say "begin."

Now I know they serious about this job.

Reading test?

Damn!

They probably got us building warheads or some shit all day.

You really think they'll have felons making weapons?

I don't know.

I heard the new guys are military contractors.

Mm. I'm sure they up to some evil.

Have us making napalm or... or... or...

weaponizing smallpox.

Mm-hmm.

Well, whatever it is, we gonna be leaving up in here

with fish gills and extra fingers.

That's not how mutation works.

Oh, really? How's it work?

Our babies would the ones

born with the fish gills and extra fingers.

What we'd have is a bunch of different cancers and lesions.

Shit like that.

Y'all so worried, don't take the test.

It gives me a better chance.

It still make 89 cent more than the warehouse.

Got my eye on that $16 fan in commissary.

Or you can just use your extra-finger hand

that you gonna have.

All right, ladies.

You may begin.

What the fuck?

"True or false: Ideas are more important that real things"?

Shhh. We are not supposed to discuss the questions.

Check out question three.

"Agree or disagree: Most people are brave."

Now, my thoughts on bravery

are supposed to tell them I'm a good employee how?

So easy.

All right. Okay.

"I can feel overcome with wonder in nature."

Yeah, well, I can feel that way, but I shouldn't say that, right?

I mean, no one wants a tree-hugger working for them.

Unless they're one of those eco-companies

that makes, like, bamboo forks.

What have you guys heard?

- Shh! - Quiet, ladies.

Let's make a deal that if one of us gets it

and the other one doesn't, then we don't take it.

Like you even need to say anything.

Good.

"I spend most of my time trying to understand things."

"I spend...

most of my time...

trying... to understand things."

- What are they getting at? - Will you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate.

"I believe people are basically moral."

Agree.

You're supposed to answer honest.

I do believe that.

You got to think deeper than that.

People want to be good.

They really do, deep down.

Mm.

But they just fuck up.

I thought they were gonna, like, be interviewing us.

Not giving us some weird-ass brain test.

Quiet, Gonzales.

Would you say that I keep in the background?

I'm having a hard enough time

figuring out these questions for myself.

What, I got to answer yours now, too? Please.

Sorry.

I'm gonna go with "yes."

I keep in the background.

My mother always said

that silence can be the loudest thing.

But she never shut the fuck up.

Oh, lordy, this is hard.

Quiet down, ladies.

Hey.

What'd you put for 15?

I'm blowing it.

See? Now I'm getting all itchy.

- Shh! - You shh!

Oh, my God.

Who can concentrate in here?

Gonzales, you're done.

- I didn't finish yet. - Yes, you're done.

Hand over your test and your pencil.

I don't speak Spanish,

so I'm gonna assume you said, "Have a nice day."

Ooh.

Fuck you.

Another one bites the dust.

Want to help me spend some money?

What happened to saving for a car?

I think I need to invest in some more emotional clothing...

- Mm. - Right now, you know?

And worry about the car later.

I need to dress for my authentic self.

- Mm-hmm. - And for Ian.

- Yeah. - Oh, what the fuck?!

You see me now?

Because I see me.

It's Jason. I think he's fucked up.

I'm like a self-mirror.

I am silver and shimmery.

Jason, you fucking idiot!

I'm failing Math and Western Civ.

Everybody's failing Western Civ!

How did he even get up there?

Fuck it.

You should plant some kale.

I hear it's become very popular.

The stuff that stays all day on a deli platter?

That's a garnish, not something to eat.

It's supposed to be loaded with vitamins.

You were right.

Gorgeous day.

Hey, there, Jones, you old string bean.

Hello.

Speaking of string beans,

Jones has some requests for the vegetable garden.

Now, don't go getting any funny ideas with me now,

you old burner.

I do know what a wacky tobacky leaf looks like.

Excuse me. I have somewhere nicer to be.

- Ohh. - Oh, no.

Stay. Have a little more fun with us.

- Sit. - Such fun.

Yeah, I was at a hippie music festival once.

Must have been, like, ten or so.

Mother was away, and my older brother was in charge of me.

His buddies and I, we hitchhiked there.

Healy... such a rebel.

Oh, no. No. I was scared out of my mind.

For two days, I was living with a golf ball stuck in my throat,

choking back the tears.

It was absolute chaos.

Pouring rain... nobody seemed to care.

And people just kept wandering around.

They were dancing completely naked, filthy with the mud.

It was, like, unbelievable.

Were you at Woodstock?

Somewhere upstate.

Plus, somebody stole my Johnny Unitas football.

I never wanted to be home so badly.

You guys understand that, right?

Sounds like it was very traumatizing for you.

I don't know.

My brother, he's an insurance appraiser now.

Mostly boats and other watercraft.

This is nice.

Fresh air...

good company.

So, she wants this.

Does that look edible to you?

- How you think you did? - Who can tell?

Come on! We just got started.

Man, I pluck my chin hairs. Ain't that upkeep enough?

- Got to run, too? - Mind, body.

You know what I'm just now realizing?

I'm pretty damn happy with both those departments.

I'm walking.

- Come on! - Huh-unh.

To the greenhouse, then we can slow it down.

Let's go!

Man, if I sweat my hair out...

Come on! Let's go!

Titties flapping everywhere.

Please tell me that's a margarita.

Yeah. Lemonade.

Made from the finest powdered ingredients

the commissary has to offer.

Mmm.

With the pink sweetener, not the blue.

Nice!

Mm.

Mmm.

Thank you.

God, I've been laying manure for the last four hours.

The latest rumor is that our new corporate overlords

are gonna be testing genetically modified wheat out here.

See? Who says prison doesn't prepare you for the outside world?

You know, when we get out of here,

I could find electrical work, you could landscape.

We could drive a pickup truck.

We would be living lesbian stereotypes.

We could stop shaving and start camping.

We could go to golf tournaments.

No? No.

No golf.

Who's that girl?

She's not in orange, so she's not new.

- Hm. - I've never seen her before,

and then today, twice in one day.

It's a prison phenomenon.

It's, like, when you think you've seen everyone,

you suddenly notice that there's a girl

with a port-wine birthmark on her face

that has been working with you in electrical since you got here

and you'd never seen her before.

No. That phenomenon is called "self-absorbed."

Seriously, something is up with her.

She's super-sketchy.

And clearly her Disney princess is Jasmine.

Look. Look. She just looked at me.

Twice in one day out of nowhere, Piper?

It's weird.

And he knows that I'm in here.

So... so, you're saying that Kubra found a girl

who was headed to prison...

or, better yet, convinced someone

to get arrested, charged, sent to prison,

and then manipulated it

so that they would be assigned here specifically

so they could get you?

I'm telling you, he's twisted.

He plays the long game.

He's too smart to send in a girl

who looks like she's from Cypress.

That's a rookie move.

You're... you're a paranoid racist.

She probably just thinks you're cute.

But if she tries to hit on you,

I will smack a bitch down.

Hm.

I've heard girls talking about you,

saying you can offer help.

I'm in a pretty dark place.

Is this, like, a guru situation?

I went to see Amma once... the hugging saint.

Waited for three hours to get hugged.

But then Seamus said he felt sick.

Said it was from the sun and the chia pudding,

but I'm pretty sure he just got impatient.

I could have used that hug.

I don't know why I didn't stay.

Yes, I do.

I didn't stay so Seamus and Meadow

could go back to the lake and have sex and do slack line.

So I missed my hug.

Do those sound like good friends to you?

I mean... why don't I have people in my life

who really care about me?

Maybe it's me.

I've been lazy.

But there are connections to be made in here, right?

I mean, I see people who care about each other

all over this place, and they were all new once.

Yeah. That makes sense.

Oh.

I get it. This is your thing.

You give people this meaningful stare,

and people project their feelings onto it.

It's really soothing.

I feel better.

Thank you.

Inmates, no touching.

Oh, thanks. Thanks for helping.

Yeah, you steal from someone who's giving it away for free,

that's like double negative karma.

Yeah, it is pretty fucked up.

You know this isn't gonna be ready

for like another week or so, right?

- A week? - Yeah.

Fuck Rome.

You got any suspects?

You know, it could be Papadakis.

I know a couple of girls got sick off her shit.

Yo, maybe she's trying to steal my secret ingredient.

- Cinnamon! - Watermelon!

No and no, all right?

Fuck you. I ain't telling you.

I think that squirrel's dead.

He's just been laying up in that branch this whole time.

Yo, don't do that, man!

She gonna come down, come for your face

and claw your eyes out and shit.

My cousin had a ferret who did that.

That squirrel is not giving one shit.

Maybe he's retarded.

Maybe he's drunk.

What, you saying that little thing is the hooch bandit?

Come on, y'all.

The bags are heavy, they were buried deep.

I don't think so.

He's not that little.

Maybe his daddy fucked a raccoon

and he's one of those hybrid species.

A squacoon.

His tail is kind of stripey-like.

Thank you.

Squirrels and raccoons can't mate, a'ight?

They're, like, two totally different species.

Whatever he is, I think he's your problem.

You got to defend your stash.

On the farm, my daddy used pee and cayenne pepper

to keep the skunks away.

I suppose I should start out by apologizing,

which I've had to do a lot through the years for George,

although this one really takes the cake.

I suppose I shouldn't mention cake, because you're probably...

You can have it.

It?

The... the baby?

I don't know if it's a boy or a girl.

It doesn't matter.

Either way, I don't want it.

My mom says you have a real nice house

so it'll have its own room and stuff.

Yes. That's true.

You seem upset.

I'm pregnant in prison, lady.

Were you really expecting for me to be all happy and glowy?

No. No.

I just... I thought...

I thought we would talk a little bit more.

What is there to say?

I don't feel anything for this baby.

It's hard to have love for something

that's camping out on your bladder.

I remember watching my ass turn into my Aunt Louise's.

It was not a good look.

But, um, I also remember having these really vivid dreams.

None of this is what dreams are made of.

It was just a mistake.

So if you're trying to prove something by taking that on,

God bless.

I am trying to prove something.

I-I know that's crazy, but I... he was always...

Look, the nurse, when I was checking out of the hospital,

handed me George all wrapped up in a blanket

and said, "You have a difficult child. Good luck."

And she was right.

I should have done more, you know?

I was young and I was in a bad marriage,

and you just realize stuff as time goes on.

So...

Look. He's my kid.

He's my responsibility, even now.

And I love him. And I will love that baby.

And I'm gonna do this right, Ms. Diaz.

I am committed.

All yours.

Are we done here?

Oh, my God. You don't even know me.

I mean, I-I could be some kind of ax murderer

who wants to make coats

out of the skins of babies or something.

I watch... I watch a lot of "true crime" TV.

You want the baby. I said yes.

Why do you keep on pushing me?

Because I'm afraid you'll change your mind.

I'm afraid that you'll snap out of this depression

and wonder, "what was I thinking?"

You got a paper?

I'll sign it over right now.

You'll get your do-over baby, and I'll have a chance

to start a life where I just got to worry about me.

You can't sign the paper until you've had the baby.

Oh, I get it now.

Is there somebody in here that you could talk to?

You know, a professional or something?

My counselor's an old white man

who tries to connect by saying "hola" in the hallway.

And lucky for you, my mom is all up for the deal.

I talk to her sometimes.

Mm... when she's not being a total bitch.

Go, team.

Well, I'm gonna come back and visit you again really soon,

and we'll talk some more.

It was very nice to meet you, Dayanara.

Bye.

Watch. Check it out. See?

Oh, yeah! Mama's got a brand-new bag!

Yeah!

Uh... 'course fucking Chapman got it.

Oh! Fuck yeah! That's me.

♪ Queen of the new job ♪

Whoo! Yes!

Ain't nobody's maid no more!

Ohhh!

No! Quit that.

How do you know that job's any good anyhow?

Besides, I thought you liked cleaning.

No, but I failed, T.

I should have answered the question

in the reverse of how I felt.

The opposite of me is better.

The opposite of you is... boring.

You're obviously too... creative for that job.

You bitches get in? Hm?

No.

Oh, well, then we promise not to throw

our new, high-paying jobs in your face too much.

That's just business, right?

You know, some cutthroat shit.

Oh, anyway...

So, you think I need a fresh, new first-day 'do?

Yeah! Hook it up, look hot. Curls.

Maybe some little spirals, some curls, you know.

Hey... Gonzales.

Congrats.

I saw you got in.

Seriously? Holy shit.

You know, I was psyching myself out the whole time.

But I guess my smarts must have kicked in anyhow.

So cool. How 'bout you?

Nah. Still stuck in the toilet, so to speak.

Calgon, take me away!

I'm sorry about that.

But, you know, I'm gonna tell everybody I know

to try to pee real neat from now on, okay?

Make your life a little easier.

Thanks for that.

Come on. Come on.

Get out the way. Hurry up.

Look how close our bunks are.

Now we can share each other's clothes.

They're announcing who got the new job assignment.

You want to go see?

Yeah. Okay.

You still on the lookout for shanking belly dancers?

To quote Philip K. Dick, "It's strange how paranoia

can link up with reality now and then."

You know, Kubra probably loves me since I lied for him.

Maybe I'm his gal on the inside.

Ha ha.

You know what I would use for my shank?

- Your very own toothbrush. - Fuck off.

Seriously, did he reach out to you after the trial?

No. I'm just playing.

Or am I?

Quit it, Piper. You're freaking me out.

Be straight.

Did you talk to him?

You have to tell me.

Wait... like, if you were a drug dealer,

hypothetically, and I was a narc

and you were asking me if I was a cop?

"21 jump street" -style?

Yeah, exactly like that.

I have not been hired to kill you, Alex.

Or psychologically torture me.

Well... not by Kubra's command.

Will you stop making light of this?

There is a very real possibility

that he would send someone for me.

Okay, you're right. No, I'm...

I'm done.

Unless, of course, I'm hiding a weapon in my bra.

I think you need to check.

Everything boils down to control with you!

All I'm saying is, if you took Howard Street rather than Maple,

we would save three minutes on the drive.

It's not controlling... it's efficient.

It's three minutes.

And I enjoy the houses on Maple. They're quaint.

Along with the, uh, red-painted door and the tire swing.

Makes me think maybe the world's a nice place.

I'll take that thought over three minutes any day.

My hours got cut.

See? I was right. I knew it.

Smoke and mirrors.

Sorry, Ford.

No, mine too... in half.

Sons of bitches.

You think this is just us? Have we been slacking?

You let an inmate steal a van, kill another inmate with it.

I mean, that's pretty egregious.

Suck it, O'neill.

I was found to be not at fault for that.

No, this is them... corporate greed mongers.

So, who's covering the hours we're losing?

More mongers. They multiply like gremlins.

You still think the world's a nice place?

Hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes!

Mm!

Hey, what you think? Does this say "swag"?

Great job not rubbing it in our faces.

Hey, I didn't say that. Watson did.

Yo, did you talk to your girl, Poussey?

She didn't take the test.

Nah!

She too busy fighting off

some imaginary drink-thievin' racquirrel

to worry about this shit.

Outside pissing in circles, making traps.

You need to come clean.

Tell her you took her shit 'fore she really get cracked.

Are her traps humane?

Cartoon-style with a stick and a box.

Look, I'd rather see her running around like a fool

than sleeping and drinking all damn day.

- Mm-hmm. - At least she's up and moving.

Up and moving

and giving Looney Tunes here a run for her money.

Well, she's got a goal now.

I'll tell her... eventually.

But, uh, don't rush.

You know, once you know Santa Claus isn't real,

it's all... downhill from there.

Okay, what the hell's Santa Claus got to do with this?

It's good to have something to believe in.

Giant drunky squirrel, Santa.

It's like the test said... ideas are better than reality.

And you agree with that?

Mm-hmm.

Well, no wonder you didn't get the job.

The reality they was talking about

was working your ass off for the man.

Your answer basically told the man to fuck off.

I didn't mean that.

Wait, so, do you think I should talk to somebody and say...

you know, explain myself.

See, I think that ship has sailed, my dear.

Time to go sweep up some pube hives.

I like to think of them more like pube nests.

Everybody's got fucking opinions!

Well, consolation Snickers on me later, scrubs.

Puff out.

No.

Something is missing in my life.

No matter how much reading and gardening I do,

my mind drifts.

I have this need.

Okay.

An overwhelming need... a drive.

A hunger.

A hunger?

Yes.

I am missing the heat, you know?

That flush in my face that only comes from real...

Passion.

Oh, yeah.

I understand.

Give me something to be consumed with, Healy.

Sure, it leaves me with blisters and burns

and an aching back, but it's work... real work.

And I yearn for it.

A-are you talking about the kitchen?

It is a proven fact that people in retirement

are more likely to get Alzheimer's.

I don't want to become Jimmy,

walking around with my underwear on my head.

I need purpose and stimulation.

Well, Mendoza's doing a fine job in the kitchen.

We have no reason to replace her.

So you'll have to...

you'll have to look somewhere else for your s...

You'll have to find your purpose somewhere else.

I'm sure with this new regime, there will be changes.

Maybe you can slip this one through, as well.

Please. Comrade to comrade.

Look, Red... this is protocol.

You got busted for those drugs.

There's no way Caputo's signing off on this.

You didn't get to where you are

without knowing how to work the system.

I respect the system.

Don't you also respect me?

Jesus, Red.

I thought you were different.

I bet a bunch of those girls didn't answer the questions honestly.

I ain't 100 percent sure I did.

Yeah, it was confusing.

I had to take a test like that one time,

when I applied to be an RA.

What's an RA?

A resident advisor, like, for my dorm in college.

I didn't get that one, either.

We must be too emotional.

And that's bad?

Mm... I mean, it doesn't make for a good employee.

Like, I read a horrible article this morning

about this woman getting stoned in Iran for adultery,

and it seriously made me so upset

that I've folded this laundry like four times already.

Emotional equals unproductive, I guess.

I like getting stoned.

Who doesn't?

Yeah.

Getting stoned... oh!

It's so fun.

So... um...

Walmart.

Uh... how 'bout Walmart?

It's so big. I went there once.

I noticed that there was a lot of cheap shit in there.

Like, just everything you could ever want.

Someone check the hot dogs out there.

- I think they're running low. - I just refilled them.

Well, stay on them. That no-carb trend is back.

I'm up to my ears in buns.

Oh. Look who decided to grace us with her presence.

Throw an apron on. We'll talk punishment later.

I got the job.

I'm supposed to start in a few minutes.

I just wanted to come let you know.

Oh. How considerate of you.

To show your front

while you're turning your back on your family.

I earned it, Gloria. You should be proud of me.

Because of that test?

I heard some of the questions on that test.

It's not even about anything.

They were obviously about something, and I got them right.

Blanca took it, too, and she didn't get picked.

Oh, so now you're better than us.

What, you're chosen?

Oh, watch out, Norma. Flaca is moving in on your territory.

That's right. I am better.

Better than all you bitches.

Maybe I got C's in high school

because my personality is too complex

for mainstream academics.

Some people are born for greatness.

How nice that prison could help you realize your full potential.

Fuck you!

Your budget is $800,000.

Many private islands in the Keys

sell for over $10 million, so finding...

- Marisol Gonzales? - Yes.

Can we talk to you for a minute?

- You're under arrest. - What are you talking about?

Jason Anders is in critical condition.

You better hope he lives.

I do. He's a nice kid. But that's not my fault.

You sold him a controlled substance.

I did not.

I sold him a piece of paper.

That crazy was all him.

Listen to me.

I sold him plain paper

with nothing but water and print on it.

It was all fake.

Yeah, well, his reaction to it was very real.

- And it's a crime regardless. - No.

Ma'am, your daughter is under arrest

for fraud and endangerment.

That's all we know.

No. No, this is not real.

- Let's go. Officer. - No, this can't be real.

- I didn't do nothing! No! No! - Officer.

It was paper!

Ma'am, we can talk about it down at the precinct.

Hey, um, I-I understand

the new job assignments were announced, and...

- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - I read over that test.

Where did... where did you come up with that?

Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the internet.

Some kind of new assessment technique?

Um, it was like a personality quiz or something.

I don't even know. We didn't even read them.

Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly,

and those were the winners.

That's your system? Random selection?

My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system.

So they don't hate us for not getting the job.

They're mad at themselves for not having what it takes.

But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right?

I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement?

We'll have COs on post.

We've had a lot of success with this model.

I have to tell you that our model

for not allowing violent criminals

to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen

hasn't been so bad, either.

You're right.

Yeah, no, I totally get it. You're right.

I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list,

and then if there are any red flags,

you can send those back to us,

and... and we'll adjust accordingly.

Good thinking, Caputo.

Thanks a lot.

I feel really lucky you're here.

- Great. - Great.

Great.

Congratulations on landing this coveted new job.

This is an opportunity for all of you

to learn a very in-demand trade.

And we hope that you will take it

as seriously as we did when selecting you.

Ladies, welcome to Whispers.

Cool!

We makin' panties?

♪ Mamma said there'll be days like this ♪

♪ There'll be days like this, mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said, mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said there'll be days like this ♪

♪ There'll be days like this, my mamma said ♪

♪ My eyes are wide open ♪

♪ But all that I can see ♪

♪ Is chapel bells are tollin' ♪

♪ For everyone but me ♪

♪ But I don't worry, 'cause ♪

♪ Mamma said there'll be days like this ♪

♪ There'll be days like this, my mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said, mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said there'll be days like this ♪

♪ There'll be days like this, my mamma said ♪

♪ And then she said someone will look at me ♪

♪ Like I'm looking at you one day ♪

♪ Then I might find ♪

♪ I don't want it any old way ♪

♪ So I don't worry, 'cause ♪

♪ Mamma said there'll be days like this ♪

♪ There'll be days like this, my mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said, mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said there'll be days like this ♪

♪ There'll be days like this, my mamma said ♪

♪ Mamma said, mamma said, hey, hey ♪

♪ Don't you worry ♪

♪ Mamma said, mamma said, hey, hey ♪

♪ Don't you worry, now ♪

♪ Mamma said, mamma said ♪