Original subtitles

♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full, the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting, waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

No. Vee. Vee.

No, Vee.

Vee. Vee!

Vee! Vee! Vee!

Vee! Vee!

Shut the fuck up.

Tryin' to get some sleep around here.

- Vee! Vee! Vee! Vee! - What the hell's wrong with you?

- I'm so tired of this shit. - Vee's in trouble.

I got to tell her about the dragon that's coming!

It was a dream, crazy pants.

- Mm! - You were dreaming!

What?

Whew.

- Just a dream. - Yes!

Like yesterday and the day before that.

Shit.

Sorry.

Rise and shine, ladies.

Another crappy day in prison.

Shut up!

It smells like her.

You wouldn't understand it. You're not a parent.

But the top of your head, right here...

it always smells like you,

from the time you're an infant until you're a fucked-up adult.

Luschek is the fuck up.

Bullshit. Luschek wasn't lying.

That baggie was hers. She told me herself.

A junkie and a hoarder.

He is still the reason that she is down there.

He did not need to name her.

Being angry at him is a waste of time.

Seems more productive than sniffing an old hairbrush.

Hey, Pennsa-fucky.

Hey, you know that Pennsatucky's a nickname.

- Mm-hmm. - So you don't got to change it.

It's already a name that's not my name.

Yes, but there's always room to riff.

Can I borrow some toothpaste? My commissary's low.

Nah. I don't got none...

big boobs.

Nice one.

How do you not have any toothpaste?

'Cause I don't need any toothpaste.

These babies are porcelain.

You know, I sure as hell ain't a dentist,

but I don't think that's how it works.

Why 'cause you think the Queen of England's

just sitting around, ordering her butler or whatever

to clean the fancy china with Colgate?

No, of course not, because plates don't get cavities,

and neither do these bad boys.

Man, your parents didn't really even do the bare minimum with you.

Oh, I see your Evenagli-crazy fan club

is still going full swing.

"Blood will be shed for the murdered babies.

We shall stand together and rejoice

as the transgressor's...

skin crackles in the fires of hell."

Jesus fucking Christ, that is terrifying.

When you hear it out loud, I see your point.

"Reverend Lawlor circulated your prison I.D. number.

We hope that you've received our donation

- and that you'll"... Hold up. - Hmm?

These pulsing forehead veins, they give you money?

Yeah, they do in my commissary.

- Oh, my God. - Hmm?

- That is fucking genius. - I don't know.

I've been having some feelings about it.

Did you know I didn't shoot that nurse lady

for any type of a holy righteous thing like they all think?

I, uh... I got really mad,

and, uh, she hurt my... she hurt my feelings.

And sometimes, I get this... I get this really bad temper.

Whew.

You still like me, or...?

Doggett, don't you know what this means?

Yeah.

I'm going to hell.

No! No!

It means you are the normal one.

I mean, come on.

Some bitch insulted you, so you shot her?

Now, to me, that makes a hell of a lot more sense

than shooting a complete stranger

that you demonize for your own agenda.

I mean, being too militant about anything never ends well.

Those people... they're the nutbags.

- Yep. - Yeah.

- Yep. - Yeah.

- I get it. - Yeah.

I need to stop taking nuts from nutbags. All right.

It's time to right my wrongs.

N-no, no, no. That's... not what I said.

I don't care what you want. I'm not fucking wearing it.

Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time?

Because you're such a good role model.

Do you want the kids to make fun of you?

There's good attention and there's bad attention, Carrie.

I do not understand why you have to always make things so difficult for yourself.

- I swear to God. - What the hell's going on?

I give up. I give up!

Well, that's... nice.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, enough with the "fuckings."

We get that you're a teenager.

I look like a thumb in a dress.

You know how happy it'll make her.

You're aware of how stupid that is, right, that I have to go out

and pretend to be something I'm not to make her happy?

One day we're asking from you.

I can't go to school like this. I won't.

Well, you don't have a choice. Here's how it works.

You go, you sit, you smile, they flash the little bulb.

Mom has a picture of you to show grandma

that won't make her have another stroke,

and you keep wearing clothes

from the boys' section of JCPenney's

on every other day of the year.

Everyone's happy.

Yeah, except me.

Boy, must be exhausting, all those raging hormones.

Look, I'll buy you a root beer.

I'll put a bendy straw in it.

Do this for your father who has to live with your mother?

Please?

Fine.

But you're both assholes.

There's my sweet little buttercup.

Library later?

I have a headache.

What are you, a '50s housewife?

We haven't had sex in a week.

Lesbian bed death. It's a thing. Look it up.

Yeah, I'm familiar with it, and it's bullshit.

- Hmm. - Come on.

Maybe we can't hate fuck anymore,

but we can still love fuck, right?

- "Love fuck"? - Yeah.

Oh, that's so unappealing, my nipples inverted.

Come on. You're the only thing that feels normal to me right now,

which should tell you how messed up I am.

Let me feel your normals.

Alex, can we drop this?

God, you're acting so pissy.

It's making me kind of hot.

Not today, okay? Stop.

Is this about Nicky?

I miss her, too, but she of all people

would want us getting off in her honor.

You're the worst.

Oh, shit.

It's June 7th.

Oh, my God.

Can you not tell anyone, please?

Because you know how I feel about June 7ths.

Okay. Your wish is my command, princess.

Oh, that would be a fun role play.

Genie and Aladdin.

"Free me from this lamp, street urchin."

No? All right, we'll work up to it.

Good, good, good, good.

Hope you're enjoying the provisions, folks.

We're gonna need you to put your best, caffeinated foot forward today.

- Where's the cream? - No cream.

- Two percent, you want that? - Fig always bought cream.

Let's go. Sit down.

How long is this gonna take?

Remember a week ago when you were all crying about losing your jobs?

Remember how horrible that was gonna be?

Hmm? Well, good ol' Joe here might have found a solution to the problem.

Now it's your turn to help yourselves.

Yes?

Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?

I don't trust these people.

Who buys property without any comps in the neighborhood?

Can't be a good investment.

They're not buying it, all right?

Litchfield will remain a federal property.

MCC would manage it and retain any profits.

Look, guys, it's a long shot.

They're considering several facilities at the moment.

But I convinced them that we were worth being on that list.

So you lied to them.

I merely let them know that we're a good bet.

Sounds like lying.

There are many misconceptions about the cost and difficulty

associated with female prisons,

which I will clear up for them on the tour today.

Those poochies be difficult. For real, though.

Look, help me out. Don't be stupid.

I've already prepped a few inmates.

If you see something these people shouldn't see,

solve the problem quickly and quietly.

Managing this place for the feds?

I don't like the smell of that.

How does unemployment smell?

Good? Smells good to you?

Yo, you kept me up all night,

and now I got to eat with your ass, too?

Man, don't say "eat" and "ass" so close together

while I'm trying to eat breakfast.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side the bed.

Technically, there's only one side of the bed

because the other side is up against a partition,

- which wouldn't allow... - Will you shut the hell up?

Shit, it's too early for this.

You know what? Does somebody want to explain to me

why she's sitting with us, anyway?

I mean, since when did we start chillin'

with bitch-ass followers

who beat the shit out of people

just 'cause some crazy lunatic says to?

Sound like some vengeful Simon Says bullshit, if you ask me.

I was just clarifying the bed issue.

Clarity is important.

"You should be meticulous with your words."

That's what Vee would say.

Except she don't say shit now

'cause everybody be saying that bitch

got smushed like a bug on a windshield.

- Here we go. - No, no.

You're a liar! She's fine!

Vee is fine, and she's coming back for me!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take care of your girl.

I ain't her keeper.

It's you or the shu.

You want to be responsible for that?

Really?

Suzanne, sit down.

P, switch seats and don't talk to her.

You want to carry that grudge, be my guest.

But I don't see how them scrawny chicken legs

can stand the extra weight.

My legs ain't scrawny.

They're proportional.

Hey, hey. Nicky will be okay.

How do you know?

I don't.

It's just... it's a thing people say, right?

I'll get your tray.

Yo, careful. You're gonna splatter.

That mother... fucker.

Bennett fucked Aleida?

No, you idiot.

Oh, like that was such a crazy question.

These eggs smell like ass.

Gloria must have used that fart seasoning.

Yo, you're fucking children, yo. I can't deal with it today.

"If a man also lie with mankind as he lieth..."

Really? "Lieth?"

You can't say that word without a lisp.

Who are these people kidding? God was the original fag.

Look, I happen to think this church of hers

isn't deserving of the title, and we have a deal,

but don't push me.

You're right, sister. My bad.

"as he lieth with woman,

they are both committing an abomination.

They shall surely be put to death.

Their blood will be upon them." Boom.

- And? - Leviticus 24601.

23:13, 20.

- Not Jean Valjean's prison number. - Good catch.

- Thou shalt not make musical references. - Why not?

Because that's like the gayest thing on the planet,

and even I know that.

That is an ugly stereotype... about gay men.

See, everybody knows my people are stage managers, not performers.

Remember to talk about the light a lot.

Walking into the light, following the light.

That's good. Yep, remember that, Boo.

Are you sure you're prepared for this?

Eastberg Baptist is... is all hate, all the time.

Jesus' girlfriend's got a real good point.

'Cause licking gravy boats has kind of been your whole thing.

And Reverend Lawlor, he's got a lot of opinions.

Okay, look. Nobody is talking about conceding

my hard-earned position as lord of the lesbians.

I'm just embracing the gray areas to make a buck.

Black and white, that's for zebras and Michael Jackson.

Wait, ain't he dead?

Exactly.

Here you go, sister.

In lieu of a mattress.

Oh. Pleasure doing business with you.

And finally, what led you to see how far

you strayed from the Christian life, Ms. Black?

Oh, well...

I hadn't found the right man, of course.

But then, this chubby Santa Claus looking guard showed up, and boom.

One look at his meaty ass and I was sticky in the knickers

for monogamous, hetero love.

♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie ♪

♪ You other brothers can't deny ♪

♪ And when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist ♪

♪ And a round thing in your face ♪

♪ You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough ♪

♪ 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed ♪

♪ Deep in the jeans she's wearing ♪

♪ I'm hooked and I can't stop staring ♪

♪ Baby, I want to get with you and take your picture ♪

♪ My homeboys tried to warn me ♪

♪ But that butt you got makes me so horny ♪

♪ Ooh, rump-o'-smooth-skin ♪

♪ You say you want to get in my Benz? ♪

- How's it look? - Oh, clear skies

with 100 percent chance of pussy after midnight.

I'm talking about the Browns' game.

Oh, uh, five-point spread, Steelers.

Fuckers. All right.

- I'll take our boys, A.T.S. - Yeah.

Good luck. Ha.

Hey, Marcus, you tell your boy over there

he owes me $200 by Monday.

Cut him some slack.

That is not the business that I'm in, my brother.

Ho!

Oh, I know this one.

Well, hello, there.

- Hi. - Rum and coke, right?

I'm very intuitive.

- It's my favorite. - Oh?

It tastes like vacation in a cup.

That was the stupidest thing I've ever said.

- Uh, my name's Carrie. - Tracy.

Tracy. Well, it is nice to meet you.

I'm having such a good time with you.

Yeah, it's, uh... it's okay, isn't it?

Oh, oh.

Look where you are.

I live really close to here.

You want to go there and have another drink?

Yeah, let's do that.

Let's do that.

Fucking dykes.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You think you're a tough guy, you cocktail wiener?

Answer me, you fuckwad.

I should fucking kill you, you fucking asshole!

I'll stuff your little cock down your throat!

Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here!

That's right, run, you homophobic little bitch!

Um... I'm going home.

What?

Don't let that little shit ruin our night.

- You ruined our night. - Seriously?

You can't blame a stupid kid

when you're the poster child for all things butch.

You were so hot before you were a cunt.

What the fuck happened to you to make you so angry?

Oh, I wish I had some sob story that would explain everything.

Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar.

Ain't no dramatic origin story here.

Just a big old dyke who refuses to apologize for it.

You know, c'est moi, you prissy, homophobic, self-hating bitch.

It's really great meeting you.

Fuck.

Thank you so much for coming. Joe Caputo.

Hi, Joe. We spoke on the phone.

Elizabeth Wilkinson, SVP of Acquisitions.

Yes, hi.

Jack, SVP of Strategic Planning.

Jack.

- Robert, SVP of Development. - Robert.

Well, thank you so much for hearing us out today.

I think you will find that Litchfield

will make a great addition to your company.

Not according to our cost analysis.

Hey, there. Joe Caputo.

Hey. Danny Pearson. Good to meet you.

Hey. I remember those days. Don't let them get you down.

Oh, yeah. This is... Hey, can I ask you something?

- Sure thing. - Am I dressed appropriately?

I'm... I'm new, and the e-mail said "no khaki,"

and then I wasn't sure whether to go dressy or casual.

And the more I thought about it,

slacks just seemed... I don't know.

You ever worry about sort of throwing your freedom of choice

in their faces like you're showing off to the... women?

We prefer to call them "inmates."

- And you look just fine, man. - Oh, great. Thanks.

Let's get started, huh?

I mean, you would have died. Second row. Can you even?

I could basically smell Trey Anastasio's B.O.

Oh, and Brittani, with an "i," not a "y",

she totally smuggled in like an eighth

of that strawberry kush hybrid that Feinberg's been growing.

It was such a killer night.

Anyway, I miss you.

That's so fun, Meadow.

Are you okay?

Mm... no.

Everyone's been talking about you.

You know how badass it is that you're actually here?

How the rest of us, we wouldn't be able to survive in prison.

But look at you! You're doing it. It is so cool.

Aww. Are you fucking kidding me?

Your vibe's different.

Are you sure you're okay?

If this is about the Pema Chodron fight we had

right before you left, it's really not a big deal.

Prison... is not cool.

Being here is not cool.

It's not brave or admirable or courageous.

It's stupid.

I feel stupid for being in here...

and stupid for thinking that it wouldn't ruin my life

and that it would be okay.

And I'm not surviving.

I'm just... existing.

Y-you know I drove, like, three hours to get here, right?

Well... you don't have to ever again.

Benito Mendoza, look at me, right now.

Gloria...

Oh, you think that's funny?

You listen to me.

You think you hot shit?

You think because I messed up,

you're gonna follow in your mother's footsteps?

Well, let me tell you something. You're dead wrong.

From now on, you're gonna come here every week.

You're gonna bring your homework.

And if you don't, I will make your life a living hell

even from in here.

Try me.

I'll call my brothers from Washington Heights

and they will hang your ass over that bridge

until you piss on yourself

and it comes running down your body into your mouth.

That's the kind of shit they live for.

Every week, Benito.

You hear me, little boy? Every week.

Here, let me get that. Here.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Well, you didn't have to say all those nice things

about me to Katya, either.

Your Russian really must be terrible.

You called me a good man.

I only said what I believed.

Are you all right?

Your eyes look glassy.

I feel like I lost a child.

I'm sorry, Galina.

I thought I could save her.

If someone jumps into shark-infested waters,

you can't jump in after them.

- Cafeteria. - I know.

I told them that she's doing fine,

that she's sitting under... she's sitting under a tree somewhere,

eating a Pink Lady apple...

Oh, 'cause Vee loves Pink Lady apples,

and she's thinking about me,

Just like I'm thinking about her.

It's gonna work out.

How much are you spending on meals?

$1.79 per inmate per meal. $5.37 a day.

We find that women eat less than men,

so we're able to keep our food costs low.

The national average is $1.58.

We've heard some discouraging things about housing a female population.

Do you find it's more difficult

because of their, um, health requirements?

You know, the great thing is

the ladies here are all synched up,

so it's a real rough couple of days,

but at least it's not spread out, you know.

I grew up with three sisters and a mother in the house,

so we had to batten down the hatches.

Lucky I made it out of there alive.

Let's move on to the kitchen.

Inmate Mendoza, glad you could join us.

What's on the menu today?

Food.

It's a cumin, garbanzo-bean stew-type thingy.

We got a whole case of it last week.

And Gloria, she figured out a way how to stretch them

after we picked out all the rotten ones.

Mm-hmm.

We find that our inmates are one of our best assets.

They are very resourceful,

and we rely on them to help us get through the day.

Yeah, like, this one time, everyone got the shits real bad

from eating old pork or whatever,

so we served white bread for the next couple days.

It was real good for the tummy.

It sopped up all the badness.

Hey, Joe, are you guys on the codified national meal schedule?

You know, I'm... I'm not sure about...

I'm gonna look into that, Danny.

Great, yeah, take your time.

Yeah, let's keep... Let's keep moving, huh?

Right this way.

When are you two gonna learn how to shut up?

You're like Lucy and Ethel without the charm.

- We was just trying to help. - You want to help?

Start by shutting up and doing what I ask you to do.

Stop gabbing while you're serving.

Stop thinking that anyone needs you to do more than your job.

Geez.

You got your period?

- Yes. - Me, too.

Oh, it all makes sense now.

If you follow the power cord, it'll lead you...

I know.

I'm just saying, it'll lead you to the fuse.

I don't need your help, you disgusting little vole.

Don't you talk to me. Don't you look at me.

And go ahead.

Give me a shot for being insubordinate.

I don't give a fuck.

Am I at least allowed to ask what a vole is?

Right this way.

Chapman, how are we doing today?

We are doing so great, Mr. Caputo.

Would you mind explaining what it is you're doing today

for our guests?

Absolutely.

The microwave... it stopped working yesterday.

So I'm trying to fix it.

By assigning our inmates work duty,

we avoid the exorbitant cost of hiring outside contractors.

Everybody contributes to the community.

Well, not everyone.

Some people try to destroy it.

What seems to be the problem there?

The... thermal fuse blew.

And you can fix that by yourself, honey?

Well, I sure can...

if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.

Thank you, Chapman.

Right this way.

I'm gonna make you look real natural. Don't worry.

Mm, go ahead and call me "Jesus" from now on,

'cause this bitch just worked a miracle.

It really is something.

Yeah, it's definitely something.

Man, I cannot wait to fleece this motherfucker.

I'm actually, like, all tingly and shit.

Okay. All finished.

Show me my big, beautiful self.

Okay, almost there. Just hold on.

All right, all right.

There... we... go.

Oh, I love this part. This is like that TV show

where they gave those ladies the plastic surgery and makeover,

and then all their problems just went away after.

Okay, here we go.

I'm sorry! I can't help it.

I just love makeovers, and you look so pretty.

Boo? You look fucking weird.

What? She does.

No, um...

I look like my mother.

Carrie...

Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

Fuck! I love you.

Says the girl who just came.

I don't see why that's not a perfectly valid reason to love someone.

Well...

And do you know why I love you?

Because I have great tits?

Exactly.

Jesus. Don't get me going again, girl.

Can I ask you something?

Not if it's about my mother.

Carrie, come on.

Talk to me.

Remember when we were fucking?

Gee, that was fun.

Your mom is sick and you're not gonna go see her?

That's not normal.

You're right. I'm not normal. I'm queer.

Wait, did you not know we were lesbos?

My bad. I should have told you.

I mean, you must have been very confused.

Look, I don't get why you're holding on to this.

Look at you.

You're living your life, you have me.

You don't have to keep fighting the world.

Isn't forgiving her easier than not?

Oh, Christ, I don't fucking know.

I'm... I'm worried if you don't go see her,

you're gonna regret it.

Those little baskets of seashells everywhere

really freaked me out.

It's weird living back home.

They said it was going to be two weeks, yet it's been six.

The sustainable wood for the microhouse is on backorder.

Isn't that amazing?

Who would have thought that wood could be on backorder?

Are they waiting for the trees to grow?

Are you waiting for the oceans to rise

and reclaim their bounty?

- Oh, oh, isn't this fun? - Mm.

What's with your new look?

Did you join a World War II reenactment group?

Well, that's dark.

Cal's gotten into the post-modern ice cream movement.

Been doing some really interesting experiments with nitrogen.

I'm working on a BLT flavor at this moment.

And when we get enough money,

we're gonna open an old-fashioned ice-cream parlor,

but with future-now flavors for an experiential mash-up.

So I decided to, you know, perfect my look.

Mm-hmm.

And now I'm bidding online

for a wearable bass drum as we speak.

It's all happening.

Enough about us. How was your birthday, darling?

Did you get any presents from your prison friends?

I haven't told anyone it's my birthday, so nope.

No presents.

Are you not gonna say anything?

I don't have anything to say.

Then why did you come?

Because it's your birthday, Piper.

Have I ever missed your birthday?

I'm sorry. I can't just sit here and make small talk.

You don't have to. I'm not size-ist.

You can talk big. You can talk medium.

You're 32.

You're getting further and further behind in life.

I'm frustrated that we can't seem to help you.

Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

Maybe this, right now, is making me a better person.

I'm learning more Spanish.

And I can fix things.

I'm a part of a community.

And I have a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend that I love.

So there.

Saw that coming.

So, does that mean you're officially...

It means that I officially have a girlfriend.

Dear God.

You know, I find myself saying that phrase too a lot,

but with a different inflection and...

breathier.

Dear... God!

- Oh! - Whoa.

Happy birthday!

Hi, there.

Need something?

Well, I'm sorry to bother you.

I just... I wanted you to have these.

Thought they might brighten your day.

Rose seeds?

Oh, is that what they are?

I don't have a green thumb, so...

It says "rose" right there on the package.

Oh, yeah, I was in a hurry after lunch, so...

They'll be a lovely addition to the garden.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

How you gonna love a song

that just, like, lists the days of the week?

Like it's Sesame Street or some shit.

That's only one teeny part.

The rest is all, "Tonight's gonna be a good night."

It makes me feel optimistic

about the evening we gonna have and shit.

You know we in prison, though, right?

Whatever, man. They all sellouts, anyway.

Man.

Hello? One second, please.

Poussey Washington, it's the Black Eyed Peas calling for you.

They want to give you all the moneys.

All you got to do is sing the days of the week and be famous!

- All the moneys? - All the moneys!

Um... no.

Man, you're bullshitting. You're bullshitting.

I mean, if that's the case, I could be a famous rapper.

You know what I'm saying? Like...

♪ January, February, March ♪

♪ April, May, and June ♪

♪ July, August... ♪

Oh, shit, yo. Turn this shit up.

We all know what it's like to move. All the boxes.

Yo!

Who the fuck is that?

Oh, it's Judy King, man.

She's a chef lady.

Yo, she ain't just a chef, man.

She's an entertainment and lifestyle specialist.

Yo, she cooks the food,

and then she shows you how to present it, right.

Putting little sprigs of rosemary on the plate,

putting it on a bed of moss and shit.

Presentation is everything.

Did you just say "sprig"?

Raspberry buttermilk pie today.

It's my way of saying...

I-I... I seen this one before, man.

That raspberry buttermilk pie turns out real nice.

Even when white folks try to be exciting, they still boring.

Yeah, I was asleep.

Yo, what the fuck? Look.

Ask the person behind the fish counter if...

Man, that girl is gonna be the death of me.

Let her ass go to the shu.

Right this way.

This is our TV room.

Go, go. You got to go.

Ow! Ow!

White people... and other.

And we'll be going, uh, this way.

Right this way.

Whew. Hey, hands up over your head.

Help.

Vee came to me, and she told me to follow her,

but my feet weren't fast enough.

Okay.

And I missed her, Taystee. I missed her.

Okay, Suzanne. You have to listen to me.

Vee wasn't here.

- Vee's dead. - No, she's not!

- Yes, she is. - She is not!

Vee's dead, Suzanne!

Vee is dead! Vee's dead!

Vee's...

She's gone.

Yes.

She's gone.

I am so sorry.

Me, too.

You want help, there?

Nope, I've got it. Thank you.

I called you my girlfriend.

What? To who?

To my parents... and my... brother and my brother's wife.

That's a bold move, Chapman.

I know. I didn't even mean to say it.

It just... it just came out.

And now... now I can't stop thinking about it.

Do you want to pass me a note and have me circle yes or no?

I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend.

- Oh, no? - No! Definitely not.

I just thought... I thought that it was weird.

It's totally weird.

You know, the Qur'an is turning out to be more interesting

than I would've guessed.

Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it,

but I did wash my hands,

so I decided that Allah would be cool with it.

Will you be my girlfriend?

Yeah.

- Yes? - Yes, you idiot.

She said "yes."

- Good for you, hon. - Mazel tov.

I have something for you.

- It's a non-birthday gift. - Okay.

Here.

What is it? Is this, um, a list of songs?

Well, I couldn't make you a mix,

so I wrote down the songs I would've put on the mix

if we were, like, normal people

and not weird prison girlfriends.

Um... okay, "Only You," Yaz.

"You Wouldn't Like Me," Tegan and Sara.

- "The Pussy is Mine," Miguel. - Miguel.

This is so nice, and so gay.

- I know. - Thank you.

Mm.

Mr. Caputo, I need to speak to you.

I'm sure it's something your counselor would be happy

to assist you with, inmate.

It's about one of your guards.

As you can see, I am very busy at the moment,

so I will make every effort to try and find you tomorrow.

It's about C.O. Bennett.

Excuse me.

Please.

What the hell do you want?

He hasn't been here for two weeks.

I haven't heard nothing from him.

Please, Mr. Caputo, you got to know where he is.

You got to know something.

I am gonna give you the benefit of the doubt

and assume that you are not a complete moron

despite that stupid, stupid power move

you just tried to pull,

which means you can make the same assumption

I've made about Bennett.

- He is gone. - No.

And he is not coming back.

Unfortunately for you, inmate,

not everyone around here is locked up.

I hate to be presumptive, but was that inmate... pregnant?

This is a good example of our concerns,

the cost associated with a birth while the inmate is in our care.

And they're prohibitive, to say the least.

Great thing about men, they don't have uteruses.

She's not pregnant.

And quite frankly, you should never assume that about a woman.

Whew! I've learned that one the hard way.

Well, a big hetero hello to all of you.

You buying this? Anybody? Yes? No?

Thank you.

In room 23.

Code blue, room 23.

Carrie.

Hey, Pop.

Hi.

You okay?

Of course not. That was stupid.

I can't believe you're here.

It's been so many years, Carrie.

Well, you know... she's my mother.

I'm here now.

You won't even recognize her, she's so frail.

I can handle it, Pop.

I-I don't think she can.

Satellite pharmacy, 2713. Satellite pharmacy, 2713.

What, you mean the, uh, sight of her dyke daughter

is going to make her worse?

Carrie, would it kill you

to put on some other clothes before you see her?

Well, these are my good chucks, Pop.

You know what I mean.

God.

I'm so fucking tired.

I have been her daughter for 42 years.

Now, don't you think she could have taken some of that time

to work on accepting me for who I am

rather than mourning every fucking thing that I am not?

I understand that whatever this is, is important to you,

but it's a costume. That's all.

The rest of us, we get up,

put on a suit and a tie, we go to work.

You think that's how I wanted to dress five days a week?

No, of course not. But no one gets the privilege

of being themselves all the time, Carrie. No one.

Now, if you want to go in there and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you.

But you need to decide whether your costume is worth what it's costing you.

I... have had to fight for this...

all my life, Dad.

All my life.

Strangers, girlfriends, fuck, even... even my own parents,

all asking me to be something that I am not.

Do you have any idea what that feels like?

Like your whole fucking existence is being denied,

like, "it would be better off if you were invisible."

Yeah.

I refuse to be invisible, Daddy.

Not for you, not for Mom.

Not for anybody.

So, uh... I'm sorry.

Hi, there. You must be the Reverend Lawlor.

Carrie, it's a pleasure. I've heard such impressive things from Tiffany. Please.

Oh, thank you.

Well, she's told me really great things

- about your holy work, sir. - Hmm.

So, it sounds like you've been on quite a journey.

- Oh. - Using your time here to get back on the right path?

It's a testament to the power of prison rehabilitation.

Oh, absolutely, yes.

You know, there's so much time here to think, reflect,

on life, regrets... on sin.

Yeah. Tell me more about that.

Forgive me.

I just... I get so emotional when I have to talk about this.

You know, like the Bible says,

"If man also lie with mankind the way he lieth with woman..."

"both have committed an abomination."

- Amen. Exactly. - You're not alone.

- I've talked to so many people like yourself. - Mm-hmm.

Faggots who have committed disgusting acts

before admitting that they'd fallen prey to this illness.

I hope you don't mind my asking.

What was it that turned you to the light?

Well, I just, I prayed... a lot.

And then Jesus came in me... to me, sorry.

Jesus came to me.

- With so much love. - Praise the Lord.

Mm. Reverend, Tiffany said

that you might be able to take up a collection

to help support me

as I continue my walk on the path of decency?

Stories like yours really resonate with the congregation,

the narrative of the reformed sinner spreading the Gospel.

And let me tell you, your story,

a tale of wickedness and depravity, a thieving dyke,

well, that should make

for a compelling inspirational pamphlet.

Of course, we'll... we'll need

to cover that tattoo of yours for the photo.

Reverend Lawlor...

Are you all right?

Yes, I'm just trying to remember the passage.

Oh, yes. It's Corinthians 69.

I think it goes, "Suck my big fat dyke dick,

you fucking hateful piece of shit!"

- Fuck you! - All right, settle down.

- That's enough. - I'm good. Jesus was a fag.

He said, "This is my body. Eat me."

Thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you. - I appreciate your time.

- It was very informing. - All right, Joe. Thanks.

Thank you. Drive safe.

Watch yourself on route 16, huh?

Uh, speed trap.

So?

I'd polish up that résumé if I were you, Ford.

Can I have one of those?

Get the fuck out of here.

What the hell is wrong with all of you?

I swear to God, you were my kid...

if you were my kid, you'd still be fucked up.

Please. I need something.

You okay?

He's gone.

I know.

Fucking piece of shit, like all of them.

Yep.

Can't believe he just left us.

It's not the worst thing that will happen to that kid.

I'm glad you're back.

Seeing you like that was scarier

than seeing that dolphin penis at SeaWorld.

Around all that water, it looked out of place, you know.

Some ladies just ain't meant to look lady-like.

Now, my mother would disagree.

She'd say, "Don't be a salmon."

Is that a vagina thing?

No. Salmon, they swim upstream against the current.

Oh.

Wish I had said goodbye to her.

But I was dumb.

Mnh-mhh. Today, you were brave.

Ha! Horse shit.

I got six weeks extra work duty.

Yeah, but you stood up for yourself, and that's more than I can say.

Nah. I just showed them who I really am:

a big, stupid, stubborn, pussy-loving dyke.

Hey, well, listen.

If that's who you are, then that's who you are.

And there's no use in fighting it,

and if you ain't gonna fight it, you might as well embrace it,

or else you're living in purgatory.

Fuck yeah.

Here's to heaven or hell and nothing in between.

- Boom. - Mm.

Probably hell, though. I mean, who the fuck am I kidding?

Oh.

You need to start brushing.

- Ohh. - No, trust me on this.

Seriously, take it.

- Thank you. - Really?

Yeah, really.

All right. I'll give it a go,

but I'm telling you, it's just a waste of my time.

Oh, there is no wiser schmuck than you, my friend.

Yeah, no shit. Guess what?

- Hmm? - I'm still taking their money.

I renounce thee, Satan.

Oh, bring that in.

Yes!

- Whoo. - Bunch of chumps.

Mm. Tomorrow, we'll talk about flossing.

- The string? - Yeah, with the string.

- Fuck that. - No, it's important.

- Joe Caputo. - Joe. Danny Pearson.

Danny. Of course.

I hope you don't mind me calling this late.

No, n-not at all. Did you make it home okay?

I-I know that last turn at the end,

that left, it's confusing.

Yeah, I made it just fine.

Um, look, I'll keep it short.

MCC is gonna be taking over Litchfield

effective as soon as the paperwork goes through.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry. I-I just... I thought everything

that could have gone wrong on that tour did.

Yeah, well, it was a real shit show,

but we toured the maximum-security facility

before we came to visit you guys,

and with the number of bodies down there

and the potential for the unused space, it was a no-brainer.

Wow. This is gonna be such a relief

for a lot of people around here, Danny.

Thank your bosses for me.

Well, I'm glad.

I got to run right now,

but I look forward to working with you, Joe.

Likewise. Hey, Danny, thank you so much. Take care.

Whoo-ho!

Whoo-ho!

Oh, hell, no!

Too far. Too far. Okay. I hear you.

♪ I don't know her whole name ♪

♪ Keep it on the low, mane, all we eat is lo mein ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And you betta put a low jack on yo ho, mane ♪

♪ I just call her boo ♪

♪ I don't know her whole name ♪

♪ Keep it on the low, mane, all we eat is lo mein ♪

♪ Came from the block, now I gotta whole thang ♪

♪ And you betta put a low jack on yo ho, mane ♪

♪ I just call her boo ♪

♪ I think her name is Shawna ♪

♪ What I really know 'bout a girl that drive the Honda ♪

♪ I just call her boo ♪

♪ I think her name is Esha ♪

♪ Might be Tasha, might be even be Keisha ♪

♪ All I really know her baby daddy wanna feature ♪

♪ And when they ran up on me, she damn near had a seizure ♪

♪ See, I just call her boo ♪

♪ I think her name is Anna ♪

♪ I met her in Miami, she say she from Atlanta ♪

♪ I just call her boo ♪

♪ I think her name was Tonya ♪

♪ I know she from Decatur, she got a stupid onion ♪

♪ I just call her boo ♪

♪ I don't know her whole name ♪

♪ Keep it on the low, mane, all we eat is lo mein ♪

♪ And you betta put a low jack on yo ho, mane ♪