All language subtitles for Dancing Co-Ed 1939 ENG

DANCING CO-ED (1939)

Flash, what former Wall Street Comet has
been seen standing every morning in the

Bronx Express ever since he lost his seat
on the exchange?

Item, if the planets and the sun... Wait a
minute, folks, one of the boys just licked

me a dispatch that's sizzling hot off the
wire and it's burning in my hand.

We'll get back to the sun later.

This is really important.

I'd give a basket full of address books to
be in California this minute.

Hollywood to be exact.

Movie Mecca, the land of Giant Dedwoods.

And Giant Deadwoods, just
to see the look on the face of

that big Monarch Studios
executive, and I do mean Henry W. Workman,

whose blood pressure rates higher
than... Radio H.

İn 20 years that Freddie and Toddy
Tobin will be expecting a visit from that

long-legged, long-nosed, short-sighted
fellow, the Stark.

Say that again.

Yes, sir, the Stark.

Give me a plane ticket from New York for
tonight.

Come on, I'd better get back to that studio.

What a boomerang.

Meanwhile, back here in
New York, Freddie Tobin is

experiencing the thrill of
pride which every father knows.

We've watched the Tobins for years,
followed their separate careers from the

honky-tongs to the big
time, and always felt that their

two-way union was one of
those rare things... Toddy.

The radio said... I mean...

Are you gonna have... a baby?

Uh-huh.

Dolly.

The head of publicity
and general watchdog for.

Monarch Studios' interest
in the East is Joe Drewes.

And so, although it's
none of his doing, the axe

will probably fall on
the neck of Joe Drewes.

Workman has committed himself to the
extent of a million dollars for his

projected production of Dancing Co-Ed,
which was to feature the Dancing Tobins.

And somebody will
have to take the blame, so

Joe Drewes is undoubtedly
the logical candidate.

That's my head, Dimitri.

I've gotta think.

That's about all of the Tobins,
except to add that this correspondent

wishes them good pickings, and we hope it
won't be a jitterbug.

And now.

Perhaps the Tobins are gonna have a baby.

Fine, fine, baby.

A common but praiseworthy result of a
cannubial existence.

But they might call off the picture,
and if they do that job that Mr.

Drewes promised me,
goes right down the drain.

Oh, forget Hollywood, baby.

It's a crummy town.

They do it all with mirrors.

This is the life.

The stage.

Come on, lead pants.

You're next.

And, uh, bring your meal ticket with you.

I will.

Huh?

The stage, huh?

All right, baby, if your heart is set in
Hollywood, you're going.

We'll go down and see Joe Drewes tomorrow
morning.

I'll tell him a thing or two.

A promise is a promise.

He can't do this to Patty.

Why don't you send her to Hollywood
anyway?

Listen, what do we care if the Tobins are
having a baby?

But Mr. Drewes hasn't come in yet, and
as far as I know, nothing's been decided.

I promise it's... It's no
good yelling at her, Pops.

Come on, let's wait for Mr. Drewes.

Listen, it's 10.30 now.

When will the fellow get here?

One never knows.

But you told me...
Oh, here he comes.

Hello, Eve.

There he goes.

You just missed him.

Don't answer me, honey.

You'll only irritate him.

Ah, my publicity genius !

This is a fine mess.

Where have you been all morning?

You're fired.

Why didn't you keep an eye on them?

Listen, boss.

A man's home is his castle.

And this is a free country.

You can't suppress fatherhood.

What is this?

Mutiny?

Oh, what a business.

What a business.

It makes the sweetest things in life look
sour.

Ordinarily, I'm very fond of babies.

I think it was very sweet of you and Toddy
to have a baby.

But it's going to cost me a million
dollars.

Now, don't get excited, boss.

I've got an idea to turn this whole thing
into a stroke of luck.

That's right.

Twist the knife in the wound.

No kidding, boss.

This is straight.

Now, look.

All we need is a dancing partner for
Freddie.

I know we can't get Powell or Rogers or
any of those.

So our best bet is an unknown.

Well, that's brilliant.

Monarch's gift to the theater marquee.

Freddie, Tobin and Cluck.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, boss.

Let me finish.

What does dancing co-ed suggest to you?

Headache.

Right.

College girl.

Now, my idea is to hold a contest.

Visualize.

Think of all the college
girls in the United States

jitterbugging
from coast to coast.

Thousands going wacky.

On the Monarch Radio R, we
announce the fact that Freddie Tobin

wants a dancing partner, a
co-ed to star in dancing co-ed.

Would that be a prairie fire?

Oh, everybody suspicious of contests,
including me.

Not this one, because
you're going to be the

judge and who would
ever question your integrity?

No one.

Well, there's something in that.

You want a name?

How about this girl, chosen above all the
co-eds in the United States?

A clock today, yes.

But tomorrow, a comet streaking across the
USA.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes, Mr. Workman.

Is Artie Shaw in the building?

Yes, he is, Mr. Workman.

Good.

Send him right up.

I'm going to reroute Artie
Shaw and his band through

all the college towns and
carry on the contest locally.

You hit on a wonderful idea, boss.

Great.

Don't I have anything to say about this?

Sure.

What do you want to say?

Just this.

I don't like the idea.

Oh, you don't, right?

No.

Well, you listen to me.

If you give birth to babies, I've got to
give birth to ideas.

Now, let's respect each other's property.

A baby is an act of fate.

Don't try to pass the buck.

But there's... And no buts.

You heard what I said.

I meant it.

Hello?

Artie Shaw, send him in.

I just heard something that'll kill you.

Freddie Tobin's gonna have a baby.

A baby?

Well, what do you know?

Congratulations, Freddie.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Thanks.

But look, I'm not going to dance with some
half-baked college jitterbug.

Take it easy, Freddie.

Everything's gonna be all right.

I will not take it easy.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

I've got a contract, you know.

I don't know.

I know.

But we can settle the whole thing
peacefully.

Everybody's gonna be happy.

Well, Joe, I've taken me twice.

It's too long to get where I am in this
business to have to start with something.

Now, maybe we'll uncover a sensational
hope.

You never can tell anything is possible.

Oh, no, you don't.

You can't do that to me.

Patty and I will be waiting.

Have a heart, Sam.

Heads are being chopped off around here
today.

Come on, Freddie.

Oh, hello, Patty.

Come and see me tomorrow instead,
will you?

Come on, Freddie.

You know as well as I do that this contest
is a long shot.

If any of these college babies could dance,
they'd be on Broadway or in Hollywood.

Plenty of good dancers who are not in
Hollywood.

Take Patty Mano, for instance.

Now, there's the...

Holy... Mother McCree!

Sam!

Sam, you old son of a gun!

Where have you been hiding?

Where have I been hiding?

No, Patty.

It's good to see you again.

Come on into the office.

Come right in.

Eve, never keep Mr. Marlow waiting.

You'll have to excuse her, Patty.

She's only been here a few months.

Bring your book.

You know Sam Marlow, don't you,
Freddie?

Sure.

This is his daughter, Patty.

How do you do?

Sit down, Patty.

Sit down.

Here's the answer to all your worries.

The problem is solved.

I don't get it.

Look, let's say I'm a farmer and I've got
ambitions to grow artichokes.

And you come along, an old artichoke
grower, and tell me you're tough to raise.

Am I dumb?

Well, I don't.

Never mind.

I'll answer it myself.

No.

So just in case my artichoke crops a flop,
I plant potatoes too.

So?

And Patty's our potato.

What?

Honey, you're about to be planted in
college.

College?

But I thought that...
Say, wait a minute.

What is this?

Now, look, I got all the education I'll
ever need in grade school.

And I'm certainly not going
back to a place where I have

to raise my hand every
time I want to ask a question.

Oh, come on, Pops.

Let's get away from these vegetarians.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Give me a chance to explain this in terms
of human beings instead of plate lunches.

Sit down, Patty.

Please.

Look.

Not now.

Not now.

Look.

We're holding a nationwide coed contest
for someone to dance after Freddy.

And we feel maybe we won't find that
dancing someone.

Now, you're a sweet little dancer,
but you're not in college.

What's the answer?

Oh, that's great.

But how do I know she can dance?

Oh, don't worry about that, Mr. Tobin.

But how about... I mean,
suppose I don't win.

You're a cinch.

But just in case the
boss goes haywire, I'll

guarantee you you'll
get to Hollywood anyway.

What do you say?

Okay?

Yeah, but I still don't...

My dear boy, if you're harboring any doubt
concerning my daughter's dancing

capabilities, allow me to assure you I
will accompany her to this institute of

learning and firstly
supervise... No, Sam.

No, Sam.

You're going to stay right here.

You'll have much more fun supervising New
York.

Oh, no.

Pop goes with me.

Are you cracked?

All you have to do is look at him to know
Vaudeville isn't dead.

Huh?

He'd give the whole thing away in a
glance.

But listen

Sam, you're staying right here in your own
stamping ground, and I'll take care of you

in the style to which you've been
accustomed.

Oh, no, you don't.

None of that cheap stuff for me.

Before you buy the
railroad tickets, there's

just one little
question I'd like to ask.

Well, why don't you speak up?

How do I know she can dance?

Sam, beyond that door, there's a piano.

Play it.

Patty, in the same room, there's a floor.

Tap it.

Freddie, that amazing room also has a
chair.

Sit on it.

Oh, but we've got to get to the theater in
20 minutes.

Sweetheart, you've got to get to Tobin in
10.

You think Mr. Workman will like this
potato idea?

Well, he won't dislike it because I'm not
going to tell him.

Now with that cricket.

Well, cricket ain't popular in this
country.

Besides, this contest is still strictly on
the level.

It sounds about as level as the Rockies.

Incidentally, how are you planning to get
her into college?

Easy.

I get her some snappy clothes, give her
some dough, lend her my car maybe, and zoom.

She's in.

Well, it won't work.

She'd never pass an entrance exam.

No, she wouldn't, but you would.

What?

Well, you had three years of Bernard.

It'd be a cinch for you.

How'd you like to go back to college and
guess your degree?

Oh, I'd love it,
but... Then it's set.

You take the exams for Patty, transfer
yourself over from Bernard.

Bonnet.

Yeah, and you're in.

Well, suppose they recognize me when I
show up a second time.

Well, they won't if you go to one of those
big sheepskin factories like...

Midwestern.

What do you say, set?

No, no, no.

Say, what's going on in there?

That's it.

So help me, Michael, if Freddy don't like
the kid after all this, I'm going to take

the first boat to the
South Seas and spend the

rest of my life spinning
hairs with a meat axe.

How about a Freddy?

Is she okay?

You're sensational.

Then it's all set.

Everybody's happy.

Midwestern, here comes your potato.

Gosh, after all the snappy
clothes Joe bought for

me, you dress me up like
a cross-country hitchhiker.

Why does everybody wear sport clothes?

What do they do in those classes?

Play tag?

You'll find out in about two minutes.

Well, here's where we separate.

Now, your first class is over in that
building.

Goodbye.

Eve!

What is it?

I'm scared.

Now, there's nothing to be afraid of.

You look just like everybody else.

Only remember what I told you.

Say nothing and scribble
up your notebook and don't

forget to sit at the
rear of all your classes.

You and me both.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Oh, well, that's all right, Sir Walter
Raleigh.

Thanks just the same.

Remind me sometime to teach you little
manners.

You don't run fast enough.

I'm the associate professor here,
Lang.

The subject we are about to pursue may
seem...

Oh, please.

I've even more amazing things to tell you
as we go on.

Even more amazing things.

The subject that we are
about to pursue may seem

perfectly asinine to a
large number of people.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry to be late, sir.

We had a front page to set up.

Well, I think I understand, Mr. Braddock.

We're honored to have a member of the
press, Ananda.

Thank you, sir.

As a member of the Porcupine, I'm happy to
be here.

My journalism prof says that English
poetry is closely allied to journalism.

Oh, well, that's fine.

And so I think that students of English
poetry should be particularly interested

to know that the Porcupine is the college
daily and sells for only five cents a copy.

Or, if you like, you can get a full year's
subscription for just 8.50, which is a

saving of almost... Any time you've
finished with your commercial, Mr. Braddock.

Almost a dollar.

Thank you, sir.

And now, with Mr. Braddock's permission,
I should like to continue with the less

urgent business of this hour, namely
English poetry.

Now, this is indeed a festive day.

A prestige no less than the editor of the
Porcupine.

Are you taking this course, Mr. Evans?

Yes, sir.

My journalism professor advised me to take
English poetry.

The two subjects have a lot in common.

Something strangely familiar about that
statement.

Well, I suppose you've heard it before,
sir, because it's the truth.

And in the interests of
English poetry, I think the class

should be told that the Porcupine
sells for five cents a copy.

And...

And a yearly subscription
can be purchased for

8.50, which is a saving
of almost a dollar.

That's where Mr. Braddock came in.

Oh.

Please take a seat, Mr. Evans.

Thank you, sir.

Perhaps we could arrange to have the
Porcupine sponsor this course.

Tell me, Mr. Evans, is your plan of attack
now completed, or are we to be burst in

upon at five minute intervals
by members of your staff,

all bearing the exciting news
of your 8.50 subscription?

I don't think so, sir.

Good.

Then I assume that I
may be allowed to intrude

with a few trifling words
about English poetry.

I hold no brief for English
poetry, no more than I do for

any other course of study
which this university has to offer.

If we want to think of poetry... You
don't need to take notes on this drivel.

All right.

I won't.

Let's.

I guess she just likes to write.

I'm terribly sorry, gentlemen.

Have I interrupted you again?

Oh, it was nothing, really, sir.

We were just... Oh,
nonsense, Mr. Braddock.

You're too modest.

I'm sure the class would be interested.

Miss...

Marlowe.

Miss Marlowe.

Would you kindly repeat
for us the gems which

have passed between you
and the two porcupines?

Well, he said that I didn't have to take
notes on this drivel.

I see.

And I said, all right, I won't.

But nevertheless, you
didn't allow yourself

to be influenced and
you continued writing.

Is that it?

Sure.

Please tell the class why.

I was writing a letter.

You know, I'm beginning to like it here.

Most of the rooms I've lived in were so
small the beds were painted on the wall.

Come in.

A telegram for you, Patty.

They slipped it under my door by mistake.

Must have been there all day.

Oh, thanks.

Going over to the jelly jar later?

I don't know, maybe.

I'll see you then.

It's from Joe Drews.

Freddy Tobin and Artie Shaw will announce
search for dancing coed over radio tonight.

7.30 your time.

Listen in and get campus reaction.

Joe Drews.

7.30?

Well, it's nearly that now.

Well, where can we find a radio?

Downstairs in the students' lounge.

Come on.

Sit down, girls.

Would you like to hear the Ninth Symphony?

The Ninth?

Oh, well, what's the use if we've already
missed the first 80?

Where's Joe Drews' car?

Has it got a radio in it?

Yes, but I already put it in the garage.

Maybe there's a radio in that car over
there.

Come on.

It has a radio, all right.

Calling cars 46 and 48.

Cars 46 and 48.

Proceeded once to Helm and Maple.

Helm and Maple.

Woman reported chasing her husband around
the block with a carving knife.

That is all.

That's enough.

This is a police car, girlie.

Where have you been somebody just called
up for you?

You better proceed once to Helm and Maple.

Well, there's a couple of kids cutting up.

Well, it's 7.30 already.

Where'll we go?

The jelly jar.

May we tune in on our show?

I just heard...
You're on the air now.

Sit down.

Do you mind if we sit here?

It's the press box.

Help yourself.

Hiya, Hot Feet.

This is Freddie Tobin speaking.

I'm here for a very special reason
tonight.

And it's noisy news for co-eds all over
the United States.

Monarch Studios has decided to hold a
nationwide co-ed contest.

We're going to pick one of you right off
the campus.

And whoever you are, you'll be starred in
dancing co-ed.

Well, lassies, that's the news.

This is the biggest picture of the year,
girls, so practice.

Dance till your arches ache, cause we're
coming out to find you.

You

heard what the man said.

Go on, get hysterical.

I can't.

It gives me hiccups.

Didn't that announcement do anything to
you?

What's the matter?

Your feet tongue-tied?

They won't talk.

How about you?

Oh, I'd enter in a minute if I thought I
had a chance.

Well, you haven't got a chance.

Nobody has.

Did you ever know anybody that ever knew
anybody that ever won a contest anywhere?

Well, I'll bet the whole thing's as cut
and dried as a jelly-jar sandwich.

It's the porcupine shooting off his quills
again.

Yeah, to the rear as usual.

Don't you think it's on the level?

On the level?

You don't suppose Monarch
Studios is going to gamble

a million bucks on one of
you knock-kneed twerps.

Hear, hear, the voice of the experience.

All right, all right.

Have it your way.

But you can bet they've got that dancing
girl all picked out.

Don't forget she has to be a co-ed.

Sure, she'll have the eyes, ears,
nose and throat of a co-ed.

But not the legs.

She'll have the legs of a regular
professional dancer.

And I'll lay you ten to one they've got her
planted in one of the colleges right now.

Well, you can't just plant people in
colleges.

They have to pass entrance exams.

Oh, shut up!

Yeah, yeah, so do those football ringers.

But they get in.

Why don't you expose her?

You think I won't?

Okay, just walk.

What a crusade.

You wouldn't really do that, would you?

Oh, wouldn't I?

I'm gonna shoot a wire
to every college paper in

the country telling them
to dragnet the campus.

And if they were dumb
enough to plant her here,

the porcupine will turn
her up like a fried egg.

Miss May, this investigation is important
to you as well as to the school.

Now, I'm sure she's registered in your tap
dancing class.

It's the obvious cover-up.

But I've only got nine pupils.

My course has never been too popular with
the girls.

But that's what makes it a cinch.

Now, I'll have them all investigated in
the next 48 hours.

Once I get a look at those nine hoofers in
action, I'll have a pretty good idea.

What's that noise?

Sounds like a volcano.

And it's right in your classroom.

What's happened?

It's that contest.

All those silly millies think they're tap
dancing garbos.

Okay, be firm now or you'll never be able
to handle them.

Girls?

This is your big moment.

You're a hit.

I don't know how to begin with such a
large group.

Well, you're not the only one.

Are you girls here to register in my
class?

Well, I guess that means yes.

I think you'd better get into a single
line.

Over here.

Boy, come on.

Say, it looks like these people took Joe
Drew seriously.

Oh, gosh, what a few little words on the
radio can do.

Look, there's that man with the bloodhound
personality.

He's already investigating me,
Eve.

Oh, don't be silly.

He'll never get through this mob.

What do you think he's going to do?

Pick a number from one to a hundred?

Yeah, and it's live.

It'll be me.

Oh, go on.

Look at him.

He's like Sherlock Holmes with a hundred
Watsons.

You mean with a hundred criminals?

Holmes never suspected Watson.

Did he?

Oh, I don't know.

What difference does it make?

Plenty.

He doesn't know it, but he's going to have
an assistant.

Okay, Mata Hari.

How are you going to begin?

That's it, Mata Hari.

First I'll be a woman.

Then a Watson.

Hello there.

Hi.

Looking for your fried egg?

Maybe.

Oh.

Was there something you wanted?

Well, uh... What's your name?

Is this for the investigation or for
personal reasons?

It's for the investigate.

Personal reasons?

Oh, sure.

Don't you ever go out on a date?

Yeah, sometimes.

Well, uh... You're the first man
I've met at Midwestern and liked.

I'm a complete stranger here.

That won't last long.

I hope not.

Now, look.

What I'm here for may turn out to be a
serious matter.

And at the moment, it's an extremely
important one.

Oh.

Well, then I'd better keep out of your
way.

Sorry if I interfere.

But, uh...

If you'd like to go to dinner
tonight, I might be able

to come around about
seven o 'clock and pick you up.

Where do you live?

Redhall.

Well, did you beard the lion?

Nope.

Just clipped him.

For dinner.

Say, that's all right.

Where are you going to eat?

The best place I can get him to take me.

I, uh... Hope this dinner
doesn't strain your purse.

Oh, money's no object.

Want another?

No, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, well, here's for mine.

Okay.

Where are we going?

Take these hot dogs out for a little
airing.

I got a feeling you're fooled up.

Hey, turn off the headlight.

Turn them off!

Come on, come on, turn them off.

Turn off the lights.

What's wrong with you?

Well, this is the smooching spot.

Really?

What do you do here?

Smooch?

What's that?

That's this.

Well, I...

What's the matter?

I'm thinking.

Thinking?

This is no time to think.

I'm always thinking.

That's great.

That's just dandy.

We're going to have a swell...

Emotional little bundle, aren't you?

No, I'm the intellectual type.

Mm-hmm.

But you're going to be very grateful to me
before this night's over.

Yeah, I...

Oh, well, that's more like it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

How'd you learn that bit of jujitsu?

I told you I didn't go in for shadow
boxing.

I'm taking all the courses I can handle
right now.

Besides, I don't think
it's proper for a girl to let a

fella kiss her until she's at
least known him for two hours.

Yeah, but in the gym, you said...

Oh, well, I don't know.

I don't know.

I give up.

I'm baffled.

I know it, and I want to help you.

Now, how?

With your investigation.

I don't follow.

Well, I've been thinking.

With all the girls that are
in that dancing class, the

contest would come and go,
and you'd still be investigating.

Yeah, I know.

So, I figured, being a girl
and being in that dancing class,

well, I could sort of snoop
around and get some inside dope.

Say, that's a very good...

Yeah, what makes you so interested in
helping?

Well, that's kind of a silly question.

I think my prospects of winning that
contest are pretty good.

That is, if you don't find a plant.

Huh?

Well, I mean, what chance would I stand?

An amateur.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll put you on as a cub reporter.

You keep your eyes open,
and if any of those clucks can do

anything but stand on their
feet, you'll report them to me.

And we'll investigate them.

No, no, we won't have to.

My father will.

He owns a chain of newspapers.

He can find out anything about anybody.

Anybody?

Sure.

Well, with a set up like that, if there
is a fried egg, we're sure to find it.

You and me.

No.

You boarding school youngsters are all
alike.

You learn drawing room
manners and self-defense,

but you completely
ignore the king's English.

Don't say you and me.

Say I.

All right I.

Yeah.

I and you.

Yeah.

One, two, three Something's doing an extra
tap.

One, two, three Can't she hear it?

One, two, three, a whiz?

That girl.

The iron butterfly.

Sh!

One, two, three One, two, three One,
two, three That's all for today girls.

Next week we'll try the triple time step.

Class dismissed.

While having a workout I must be getting
started Hi, come.

How's the big newspaper woman?

Up to my eyes and jumbled tight.

Got a news item for you, Pat.

Headlines and everything.

Spill.

Stork arrives at Professor Lang's cottage
on the lake.

I don't believe it.

It's true.

A big black and tan mutt sneaked in his
hideaway,

and presented him with five puppies.

Oh, boy, a human interest story.

Isn't Jean one of your suspects?

Oh, yeah, she's perfect.

If I wasn't sure that I'm the ringer,
I'd swear she was.

We're due to get a telegram about her
today.

Boy, you should see all the telegrams
blowing into that porcupine office.

Hey, turn off that fan.

Sorry, Pug, wrong plug.

Wrong plug, sorry, Pug.

Hmm, not bad.

Oh, here's a telegram I just got about
Jean Royce, your latest and best suspect.

Jean Royce, daughter of caretaker,
Indianapolis office building.

Mother does sewing by the day.

Jean spent three years working in bargain
basement

to save enough money to send herself to
college.

Suggest you take up social psychology.

You need it.

Affectionately father.

Oh, I feel like an awful worm pug.

Honest I do.

I didn't realize I was being such a heel.

Forget it, Patty.

Anyway, that's the last of them.

At least we know that Midwestern is 100%
pure.

Yeah, I guess so.

I think we ought to break the news today,
Chief.

Midwestern plant less.

Make a good front page feature.

Well, what about the girlfriend?

Well, Patty?

Well, she's in the contest, isn't she?

Well, sure, but we can't investigate all
of them, just the suspicious ones.

If she wins that contest, I'll quit the
newspaper business.

Well, I think we ought to investigate her
anyway, suggest you draw public.

It'll show we're not prejudiced.

What do you think, Patty?

Oh, there's something in that.

Of course, you won't be able to get in
touch with my family.

Well, why not?

Well, I really haven't a family,
only my father.

And I haven't seen him since I was a
little child.

He's in Europe, in Russia.

Russia?

What's he doing there?

Oh, he's studying the Russians.

Uh, he's confidential advisor to the
president.

Well, you can have her investigated, even
if her father is in Russia, can't you, Pug?

Well, I suppose so, but...

If her father's confidential advisor to
the president, it'd be sort of silly.

My father thinks I've gone off the deep
end already.

Well, but how do we know he's the
president's confidence man

I mean, confidential man?

She just said so.

Yeah, but that doesn't...
You mean she's a liar?

Please don't fight about it, boys.

It's all right.

You just write a letter to the president,
and then you'll get an answer.

Of course, when my father finds out that
I'm being investigated...

Yeah, don't you worry about it.

The whole thing's absurd.

Yeah, the whole thing's absurd.

Yeah.

Look, Cub, why don't you take a crack at
this story?

You've been closer to it than any of the
rest of us.

Yeah, I guess I have.

Oh, and here's your headline.

No plan at Midwestern.

Okay.

Now, look, Chief, here's the way I thought
we could do this.

Hey!

Who's in charge here?

I am.

There must be an echo in the joint.

Listen, you guys, what's the big idea?

Who are you?

I'm Joe Drews, doing publicity for Monarch
Studios.

I just got in town to arrange for the
tryouts.

And what's the first thing I see?

This.

A telegram to editors of co-ed college
newspapers.

Professional dancing girl may be planted
on your campus by Monarch Studios.

Investigate.

It's ridiculous.

Did you find a plan?

Did you even get any answers?

Sure, we got lots of them.

Hey, wait a minute.

What bright lad sent a wire to Notre Dame?

Notre Dame?

Listen to this.

The coach thinks we've got about 60 of
them on this year's squad.

I guess the word Dame threw me off.

What's the matter with you guys anyway?

A plant.

Why the whole idea leaves me speechless.

Don't you realize we've
made tests of over 250

codes and not one of
them looks like a dancer?

Midwestern's our last stop.

After that, we're sunk.

Yet you accuse us of having a plant.

Do I look like a man who would plant a
potato?

Why wouldn't know what a plant looked like
if I met one face to face?

Do you know Miss Marlowe?

Never saw her before in my life.

You certainly don't act like it.

I know, I know.

It's the amazing resemblance.

She reminds me of my mother.

Well, anyway, Mr. Drews, as far as we're
concerned, the investigation's over.

Here's the story we're running in today's
issue.

No plant at Midwestern by Patty Marlowe.

Yes, Miss Marlowe has been helping us with
the investigation.

She has?

You know, I'm beginning to see this thing
in the new light.

Why?

Well, as I look the situation over,
I realize everything is okie dokie.

I mean, here you are, three ambitious
youngsters looking for a plant.

It's wonderful.

Keep on looking.

The three of you.

It's great publicity for us, because I
know you won't find any.

So, keep up the good work.

Oh, especially you, Miss Marlowe.

I'm always glad to see an ambitious young
girl get ahead.

So long.

See you in a couple of weeks.

So long.

Huh.

Nice guy.

Yeah.

Hey, cub, what are you doing?

Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll paste it together again.

Hey, what the devil's the matter with you?

What?

Oh, well...

It's that man.

What about him?

He reminded me of my father.

Just imagine.

Joe Drew's.

Why I swallowed my heart so often,
I started getting a sore throat.

And in that Russian business.

If you'd stay away from that porcupine
office, life would be a lot simpler.

But I like it.

Eve, journalism's the most exciting
business in the world.

Did I tell you about our photographic
supplement?

We're running a full page of cuts every
week.

Pug made me assistant art editor.

And that's great.

What about Hollywood?

What about that big career?

Hollywood.

It's really a crummy town, Eve.

They do it all with mirrors.

I like it here.

I want to educate myself.

Most of a hoofer's brain should be in her
feet.

And I feel as though I should tell you
that...

We're going to the dance tomorrow night,
Pug and I.

Oh, not to dance, but to take pictures.

It kind of makes everything important.

I wouldn't.

I know.

Journalism's wonderful.

So are journalists.

Hiya, Pug.

Hi.

Hey.

Where's my assistant?

She's 15 minutes late.

If you'd call for her, you'd know.

I couldn't call for her.

I had to bring flashlight bulbs and a
million other things over here.

Anyway, among newspaper men, there's no
difference between a man and a woman.

That's quite a theory.

The home life of a newspaper man must be
screamingly funny.

Hiya, Pug.

You said that.

Women.

Quish conflagration.

Smoldering embers.

Chief, don't you ever get your mind out of
the furnace?

You're a cynic, Pug.

Too bad.

At your age.

Get any pictures?

No, I'm waiting for little Sir Echo.

Oh.

Laws of Massey.

A walk and a settling torch.

Chief, someday you're going to go right up
in smoke.

Jumping Jupiter.

Patty.

Hello.

Hello, Cub.

So that's the odor of burning flesh,
huh?

Well, uh... Excuse us, Chief.

We've got work to do.

Say, you've got time to go steady for
about 15 or 20 minutes.

Sorry, I don't believe in tying myself
down.

Oh.

Say, look, but the thing is...

Gosh, Patty, you look like you swallowed a
sunset.

Well, when the Chief saw you, steam
started rising from his collar.

His boiling point's pretty low.

Oh, no, not anymore it isn't.

Women haven't the slightest effect on him.

Unless they're within shouting distance.

Oh, this is just run-of-the-mill stuff.

What we want is life.

And where there's life, there are no
electric lights.

All set?

Yeah.

Why can't we reach an understanding?

We can.

What was that?

They took our picture.

It's blackmail.

Let's get them.

Go on, Patty, beat it.

Hey!

Hey, what is that?

And every single issue will be
confiscated.

But, President Cavendish.

I am shocked.

But such things go on all around us,
sir.

It's truth, it's life.

And the function of a newspaper is not
to

the idea that our young
women are called upon to

protect themselves with
their fists, for instance.

Nor is it to embarrass Professor Sangster
and his attractive young bride.

Professor Sangster takes a boat ride.

Who wrote these captions?

Well, I thought they were kind of funny.

Your idea of humor, I'm
afraid, Miss Marlowe, has been

somewhat warped by our
modern trend towards vulgarism.

Yes, sir.

Miss Marlowe was acting under orders all
the way through, sir.

I accept full responsibility for this.

Would you mind taking a close look at
that, Miss Marlowe?

Incubator baby.

Oh, I didn't know.

If I'd only known it was you, sir...

It's humiliating to be
forced to explain my

conduct to a couple of
undergraduates, but...

Well, I was not indulging in an alcoholic
beverage, as Miss Marlowe implies by her.

...

her side-splitting caption.

It was to Zane, an old-fashioned cough
remedy.

I'm sorry, sir.

You published a retraction and... I
don't wish to give it that importance.

A newspaper Patty never
compromises with the facts,

even though they involve
people in high places.

I'm afraid we're wasting time.

When a student deliberately sets out to
injure the institution in which he is a

privileged member, we accuse him of
disloyalty.

You have forced me to ask you both to
withdraw from Midwestern University.

Oh, no.

Oh, you can't...

You mustn't.

Why, President Cavendish,
you... Well, you don't understand.

I'm here, but... Well, I've just got to...
You seem to like it here, Miss Marlowe.

I love it here.

Well, I haven't used the word expelled
because my decision isn't quite final.

I ask you to withdraw from student activities
until I can confer with your parents.

Oh, I'm sorry to have my father drawn into
this, sir.

He's a very busy man.

I'd hope that he might spare a couple of
days for the sake of his son.

Perhaps even for the good of the university
and your father too, Miss Marlowe.

You... you mean my father?

The registrar has already notified them.

Oh, but President Cavendish...

My father is... He
will be here on Friday.

Please arrange to be present yourself.

Oh, but you... That is all.

You are excused.

But.

Eve, something terrible's happened.

They've sent for Pops.

Pops?

Well, it's telephoned New York.

Let's stop him from coming.

I've already done that.

He's left.

Well, what train's he coming on?

He's motoring.

From New York?

From Moscow?

Well, what do you tell Pug?

I don't know.

Maybe Pug will get sick.

Those hot dogs are bound to work sometime.

And I'm sure you can handle it without my
aid.

Solving your own problems can't spoil you.

This won't be the last in life you'll have
to face alone.

Affectionately father.

So, you see, my father won't be here
either.

Oh, this is for mine.

No, dinner's on me.

Gee Pug, thanks.

Pug, what's the distance between here and
Russia?

It's a lot longer than the distance
between here and Friday.

What's the use, Cub?

We're both stuck.

Just like old Pedro here.

Mortal Shakespeare.

What we need is a brainstorm.

All the world's a stage.

And all the men and women merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

And one man in his time plays many parts.

Huh?

I think I've got it.

The brainstorm.

Okay, spill.

Has President Candidish ever seen your
father?

I don't think so, why?

Well, he hasn't seen mine either.

So?

So, why don't we hire a couple of fathers?

Just for the afternoon.

That's not a brainstorm, that's a flood.

Yeah, but where are we going to get a
couple of fathers on a moment's notice?

Well, we haven't till Friday.

I heard that there's a stock company
playing over in Ellerton.

Oh, you'll surely be able to pick up a
father there.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, why me?

Who's going to play the part of your
father?

I think I know just the man.

Now, listen, sister.

I don't care if this is the office of
President Cavendish.

Don't try to stall me.

I want to see my daughter, Patty,
and I want to see her quick.

Now, where's her room?

She isn't in her room, Mr. Marlowe.

She's probably on her way over here now.

But you said to me... Pardon me.

Patty!

Oh, gosh, you look great, Pops.

How are they treating you, baby?

Making trouble for you?

Oh, trouble's paradise compared to what
I'm in.

So?

Now, listen, Pops, and listen fast,
because we've only got a minute.

I hated to do it, but I got in an awful
spot and I had to.

Had to do what?

But I'm going to tell you.

Now, look, you're my father, right?

Of course.

What makes you think I ain't?

Oh, now, wait a minute.

You're getting off on the wrong foot.

You're my father and you're here.

But Pug thinks that you're in Russia.

Oh, well, that's... Who's Pug?

What difference does it make?

Oh, luck on who you're talking about.

All right, he's a guy, a friend of mine.

Oh, oh.

He hasn't got a father either.

I mean here.

But Patty, you have a father, dear.

Look, look.

Don't you recognize me?

Of course I recognize you, but that's not
the point.

Well, what is the point?

Pops, will you listen?

Now, you're not my real father today.

You're just here playing the part of my
father who's in Russia.

But just for today.

Understand?

What am I doing in Russia?

Studying the Russians.

Oh, Patty, my little girl, they've turned
you against me.

Oh!

Look, Pops.

But?

Suppose you were in Russia.

You couldn't be here, could you?

But I'm not here.

Could you?

No.

But my father had to be here today,
didn't he?

Well?

So I'd have to go out and hire somebody to
act like my father, wouldn't I?

Uh-huh.

Okay, you're the one.

Well, which one?

My hired father.

Well, why hired?

Because of Pug.

Who's Pug?

I just told you that.

If he finds out that
you're in this country,

the contest to me and
everything will be sunk.

And he's gonna be here in a minute.

I'd better get out of here.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're gonna stay right here and act like
my father.

But you said he would be...

Now, look, everything is gonna be all
right if you'll just act like my fake

father, but not like my real one who's in
Russia.

Oh, Patty, my child.

You're crazy.

Hello.

Uh, local talent.

He's in that stock company at Ellerton.

Plays the page board.

Say, where'd you get him?

He looks very good.

Oh, well, he's from New York.

An import?

Young man, I'm Mr. Marlow, Patty's father.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Save that stuff for later, huh?

Yeah, certainly we...
Say, just a minute.

I don't like your attitude, you know what?

What's the matter here?

Puggy's just an artist.

He's getting into the mood.

Let's have introductions, huh?

Oh, okay.

Father, this is Mr. Marlow and his
daughter Patty.

And I'm Pug Braddock, his son.

Well, I'm happy to know you both.

Look, Pee-wee.

This is your last chance to ask questions.

Now, you sure you got everything straight?

Queer little duck.

He hasn't opened his mouth since I met
him.

What?

No, it's true.

President Cavendish will see you now.

Okay, Pee-wee.

And don't be afraid to talk.

Remember, you're an important publisher.

Cute, isn't he?

Mr. Braddock?

Mr. Braddock?

Mr. Marlow.

I sincerely regret having
had to summon you

here today, as I know
you are very busy men.

Please, sit down.

You have both been briefly
acquainted with the facts

responsible for this, uh,
this unfortunate situation.

Before I review it in
detail, perhaps one of

you gentlemen would
like to say something.

My son Mug... Pug.

Uh, Pug, has told me everything.

And there is no need to go into any
further details.

I am probably one of the busiest men in
this world.

Do you know what it is to run a large
chain of newspapers?

No, of course not.

Well, in fact, I hardly know at times
myself.

It's so complicated.

And you bring me all the way down here for
a childish little thing like this.

Now, I ask you.

Is there one intelligent
man who could possibly

consider your attitude
anything but silly?

Uh, did you wish to say something,
Lug?

Uh, Mug?

Pug?

Oh, no, Father, nothing.

No, not a thing.

Then please don't interrupt.

I have thousands of men working for me.

Factories, presses, and machinery,
all hanging on my every word.

While you, a college professor,
has nothing better to do with his time

than to think up ways of
slowing down the progress of

a man like me who really
makes this world what it is.

Yes, Mr. Braddock.

You are one of the men who make this world
what it is, aren't you?

It's rather a tragic thought.

Hey, wait a minute.

I thought I told you to keep quiet.

What?

Oh, I'm used to these sentiments.

Yes, I get them every day from weaklings
and mushy-minded radicals.

My point of view, sir, is shared by
millions.

It's men like yourself.

The Braddocks of this world who are the
blight of this world.

Hey, you're talking about my father.

I think he is perfectly capable of
speaking for himself.

No, he's not.

I beg your pardon?

Because he's not here.

What?

This man's not my father.

He's a substitute.

And a darn rotten one, too.

Oh, but Pug.

Oh, what's the use, Patty?

This idea was cockeyed from the start.

This isn't my father and that's not hers.

What?

Not hers either?

No, sir.

Listen, you.

You speak for yourself.

I'm her father and all of us have been.

Oh, forget it.

The act's over.

What act?

My father was too busy to come here today
and her father's in Russia.

I... Well, we knew we'd get tossed
out of school if they didn't show up, so...

Well, we hired a couple of substitutes.

Such a trick is entirely consistent with
your type of mind, Mr. Braddock.

Yours too, Miss Marlowe.

This, on top of your
previous actions, can leave

me with but one decision
regarding the both of you.

Just a minute, Mr. President.

Why should we talk?

Who are these two men?

They're a couple of third-rate actors.

Hams.

Listen, maybe yours is a ham, but mine's
not.

He's my father.

Now, really, Miss Marlowe.

I tell you, he's my father.

Take it easy, Patty.

It's too late now.

I won't take it easy.

Wait a minute.

Is this man your father?

Yes.

Is Miss Marlowe your daughter?

No.

And just because I
ain't her father, I can see

the situation from an
unprejudiced viewpoint.

Oh, there's lots of things going on around
here underneath the surface that

calls for a little extra thought.

Now, here's what I mean, Mr. President.

These kids pulled off a pretty fast stunt.

All right.

Why did they do it?

And why did they go to all the trouble to
hire a couple of actors?

Now, that's a very important point.

Very important.

All I can say is, that is from an
unprejudiced viewpoint, that they must be

mighty deep in love with this here school
of yours to even risk doing such a thing.

Now, I ain't wrong about that,
am I?

There's a great deal in what you say.

You've made it very clear that their
intentions were extremely good.

However, we all know what place is paved
with good intentions.

Yeah, yeah, sure we do.

Very well then.

Oh, but I'm not finished.

Now, what they did
in the first place wasn't

bad enough for you to
throw them out of school.

Just bad enough to send for their parents,
right?

Quite.

But they were too busy to show up.

Important men.

Both.

Ah!

Traveling all around the world among
foreigners.

Russians, no less.

Is that the kids' fault?

No.

If there's anyone to blame, it ain't them,
it's their parents, right?

There's a great deal in what you say.

Oh, I don't wish to pass a hasty judgment.

I shall make every effort to contact your
parents.

Until such a time, you may resume your
studies.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, sir.

I'm very glad to have met you,
mister.

Oh, just call me Pops.

And I'm very glad to have met you.

We'll probably be seeing each other again.

It'll be a great pleasure.

Thank you.

Boy, oh boy, now that's what I call real
acting.

You know, for a moment there, you had me
thinking you really were a father.

That's right.

And Patty, you put on a great show.

Hi, Eve.

What happened?

Well, we were hanging
by the neck for a while

until Pops here stepped
in and cut the rope.

Uh, this is the rope.

I don't understand.

The whole plot was exposed.

The whole plot?

Uh, yes.

Well, I've got to drive Mickey Rooney back
to Ellerton.

So long.

Thanks a million.

You were a lifesaver.

Oh, forget it, my boy.

It was nothing but a matinee.

Say, why don't you stick around?

I'd like to get some dope on you for the
paper.

Well, I've never yet ran away from
publicity.

Swell.

Well, so long, girls.

Goodbye.

Let's go, son.

Well, I guess I stopped the show for you,
didn't I, baby?

Oh, Pops, you were wonderful.

But you have to get right back to New York
because if Puck ever find out

I know, I know, I know.

Well, say, this contest has got you tied
up in knots.

You said it.

Well, if the kid's gonna be right back,
I guess I better clog along.

Say, Eve, give me a lift to the highway,
will you?

No more hitchhiking.

Come on, Eve.

Pops, you take the car.

And when you get to New York, please put
it in a garage.

Oh, yeah.

Say, this is Joe's car, ain't it?

Sure, whatever.

Now, look, Eve, you got your driver's
license.

Sure.

But the owner's license here is in the
name of Joe Drew.

Say, if I'm stopped, they're liable to
think I pinched this wagon.

Oh, no, they won't.

Now, Joe's in Chicago.

And if anything happens, get in touch with
him.

Oh.

Bye-bye, darling.

Bye.

Now, please drive carefully.

I will, I will.

All right.

Bye.

Write me now.

I promise.

Bye.

Well, that was the most jittery half hour
I've ever spent in my life.

Thank heavens, we're in the clear again.

Oh, just a few scratches, that's all.

But, Pops, how did it happen?

Did you ever see that traffic standard in
the middle of Main Street?

Yes.

Well, I didn't.

But don't worry, baby.

I'll scram out of here tomorrow morning
and everything will be okay.

Oh, snap out of it, honey.

You're gonna stay right here until those
bandages come off.

We'll take an apartment near the
campus and... Oh, wait a minute.

We can't take an apartment.

How about Pug?

Well, I mean, what'll he think?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd better go back to New York.

Oh, no, I can't let you.

What's wrong with staying right here in
this hospital?

We can even have a no-visitor sign put on
the door.

You couldn't be in a more perfect spot.

Eva's right.

That no-visitor's idea will solve
everything.

Yeah?

I'm gonna tell the nurse right away.

Can I come in?

They just told me about it at the park
office.

How'd it happen?

I don't know.

Shh.

He's in a coma.

He is?

I was just leaving.

He's not supposed to have any visitors.

Where's the nurse?

Well, uh... Eve will wait
here until she comes.

Well, if he can't have
visitors, we might as well

go over to the police
lot and pick up your car.

Oh, swell.

You'll be able to drive
it right away as soon

as you get your keys
and owner's license.

But... The owner's license?

Sure.

Oh, wait now, listen.

I've got something to tell you first.

I guess I should have told you a long time
ago, but...

Well, will you drive me someplace in your
car where we can talk?

Right now?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

I know a perfect place.

Secluded and practically private.

Hey, cut off those lights!

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Come on, come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Remember it?

Uh-huh.

I even remember those other cars.

Don't they ever leave?

Oh, Patty, you're lovely.

Pug, I think you better wait until you
hear what I have to say.

Okay.

This has got to be off the record.

Just between you and me.

What do you think I am, a cad?

Off the record, promise?

Sure.

Pug, I can't talk while you're so busy.

Will you go to your own corner for a
minute, please?

This place certainly has a strange effect
on you.

It stimulates your mind.

Do you know why I didn't want you to get
my car license?

Uh-uh.

Because it's in the name of Joe Drews, and
I'm the plant in the Monarch Dance Contest.

What?

I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

You mean you're the plant?

The one we've been looking for?

And Pops is really my father.

And he's not in a coma.

I think I'd like to go home now.

Yeah.

I think I'll walk.

Drive it back to Rudd Hall.

Pug.

Patty.

Yes, Pug?

Come here.

Yes, Pug?

Come on, let's walk.

Now, I've been doing a lot
of thinking about this, and no

matter how I present it to myself,
I always get the same answer.

What's that, Pug?

That you're an awful liar and a cheat.

I guess you're right.

Of course, I

I realize there are certain
circumstances under

which such things might
be justifiable in a way.

Yes, Pug?

But this wasn't one of them.

No, I guess not.

The way you...

The way you deliberately set a
Bob with careful planning to pull

off a large-scale fraud like
this is completely inexcusable.

And besides that, I...

What's the matter, Cub?

Nothing.

I guess I got something in my eye.

Look, Pug, this all adds up to a question.

Will you marry me?

Oh, gosh, Pug, I don't think your
arithmetic is so hot.

What about the contest?

Forget it.

Oh, but, Pug, I... How soon
can we get married, Patti?

Tomorrow?

But, Pug, that's why I... Look,
I've got the whole thing planned.

You can switch over to
journalism, and we can take an

apartment off the campus,
and then when I've graduated...

Wait a minute, Pug, I still have to go
through with this contest.

Oh, but you can't, Patti, not now.

But I've got to.

If I didn't go through with it, I'd be
double-crossing Joe and a lot of people.

They trusted me and gave me a break.

They've got everything staked on me.

But they're crooks.

If I failed them now, I'd be crooked,
too.

Okay, drive it back to Rudd Hall.

I'll still walk.

Oh, Pug, be fair.

Fair?

That's great.

You get mixed up in a shady deal to jip a
lot of college kids.

Tie me up with a promise
so I can't do a thing

to stop you, and then
you talk about being fair.

Oh, you're quite a cutie pie.

But I don't want to make their old
pictures.

Oh, why don't you save that stuff and put
it up in bottles?

All right, I will, you...

You hot dog fiend.

Yeah,

lads and lassies.

Feverfowls and alligators.

Monarch Studio thanks
you from the bottom of its

celluloid heart for this
overwhelming ovation.

We're gonna march
up the main drag to the

gym and pick out the
five lucky contestants.

Take it, Artie!

The homestretch.

You're practically in Hollywood right now,
baby.

Yeah.

Now listen, baby, what's the matter with
you?

Nothing.

We have to go over to the gym and we'll be
back as soon as tryout's over.

Oh.

Oh, well, I'll find something to do.

Maybe I'll do a little cooking.

Pops, do you feel up to giving me another
dancing lesson?

Sure.

I got a new routine I'd like to.

I thought you had to go over to the gym.

Now why would I be going over to the gym?

Patty's the dancer in the family.

Joe only planted one potato, not a whole
sack.

Thanks, Eve.

I'll be back in a chair.

All right, come on.

Sit down there.

Now watch, keep your peepers on my
puppies.

Drews, I really wish you'd... Young
lady, will you step over there, please?

Keep pounding, girls.

Four picked and one to go.

Mr. Drews, you've got to pick her this
time.

Pick who?

Miss Marlowe.

Which one is she?

I've been pointing her out to you ever
since we started.

The one over there with the cute face.

Something must be wrong with me today.

I can't even see their faces.

But this is so unfair.

Miss Marlowe is obviously the best dancer
in my class.

And yet you don't... All
right, Jenny, we'll consider it.

What do you think?

How about those two girls on the end?

That's just one girl.

How could you possibly consider her?

Why not?

It's terrific value.

Yeah, we might want to do a sister act.

Stop!

Stop dancing, girls.

So far as I'm concerned, the selection is
over.

Miss Marlowe is the fifth and final
choice.

And if the other two-thirds of this
committee objects, I shall advise.

President Cavendish that this contest is
unfair.

All right, Jenny, you talk me into it.

Now, let me see, which one was it?

Miss Marlowe, would you step forward?

Oh, yeah, that one.

Okay, sister, you're it.

That's all, girls.

Thanks for trying.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, gentlemen.

I'm sure you'll be glad you picked Miss
Marlowe.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Now, you know what to do, girls.

Come dress for dancing, and the contest
starts promptly at 10.

Don't forget to wear that snappy outfit I
sent you.

This is it.

I guess Joe thinks that this
will catch work once I... Catch it?

It'll play ping pong with it.

Oh, Patty, this thing's a positive
homewrecker.

Pops, I wish you'd get out of that
cornfield.

You're driving me crazy.

Say, baby, I just figured out a new twist
for that three-beat business.

Come over.

I want to show it to you.

Come here.

Pops, Eve wants to go to dinner.

Why don't you take her?

Well, what about you?

Oh, well, I'm not hungry.

But, baby, you've got to eat.

I don't want to eat.

Just want to get some rest for a while.

Please.

Come on, Pops.

Temperamental, huh?

Just like your mother used to be on
opening nights.

What about the car?

Well, you take it and then go on over to
the gym after you've eaten.

Oh, but it's raining.

All right, Patty, you take a taxi.

Be better off.

In your condition.

Which reminds me, Eve, you do the driving.

Oh, he'll be all right.

It's dark out.

See you later.

Bye.

Bye.

Friends and fellow Zanies, my trusty
timepiece says it's 10 p.m.

Now, without going into the mathematics of
it, that means a zero hour.

And it's time for all good tap dancers to
get on their marks, as we officially start

the last lap of this Monarch Pictures
contest.

First, I'll introduce the contestants to
you, then we'll get on with the session.

Miss Toots Barton, that swinging pendulum
of rhythm.

Miss Christy Charter, the Mississippi
madcap.

Miss Babe Harkness, her father's a judge,
but he can't keep her from swinging.

Miss Ticky James, better known as Double
Quickie Ticky.

And

finally, Miss Patty Marlowe, a redhead
with a flair for the blues.

Miss.

Patty Marlowe, Miss Miss Marlowe.

Well, I see by my trusty timepiece,
it's only 10 minutes of 10.

So on with the dance.

And this contest will start officially at
the stroke of 10.

Music maestro and make it noisy.

Miss Marlowe, Miss Marlowe, you remember
the girl who looks like my mother?

No, I haven't.

Hey, hey, hey, look.

How are chances for meeting your mother?

Come on down.

Probably powdering her nose.

You know how women are about powder.

Patty's too much of a trooper to do a
thing like this.

Something must have happened.

Say, where are the devils, Patty?

I don't know.

Do you?

Not exactly.

Well, where is she in exactly?

I don't know.

That's great.

That's gratitude.

People don't even
wait for you to bend over

anymore before they
kick you in the pants.

I'll put over the apartment.

See if you can find her.

I'll microscope this gym.

Something's wrong.

Amala would never do a thing like this,
so I've noticed.

Maybe she met with an accident.

Or what?

Maybe she's been kidnapped.

Kidnapped.

Isn't there a light in here?

I'll get right over here.

Big plugs don't have to keep pushing me
around.

You guys are out of... out of another
world.

Keep your trap shut, sister, or you'll be
out of this one.

Yeah, but listen, I
can't... Sit around.

You're not helping me with this fire,
will you?

I'm cold.

I left my coat in the taxi.

I'll be right back.

Wait a minute.

Think we ain't got manners?

I'll get your coat.

Who's there?

It's I.

Holy cats, the prop!

Open up here.

What's going on in there?

Miss Mung.

What in the world?

Well, I've been kidnapped.

Kidnapped?

But this is Professor Carter's cabin.

Don't tell me that old
Carter... Oh, no, no.

Three mugs dragged me here.

The minute they heard your name,
they acted as if the place was haunted.

I notice I sometimes have that effect on
people.

Skirts are a bit shorter this year,
aren't they?

Why, I'm in that dance contest.

Isn't that rather an optimistic viewpoint?

Oh, Professor Lang, please, can't you
drive me back to school in your car?

Well, I could if I had one.

I hiked up here this morning.

Well, haven't the neighbors got a car?

It's about five miles into town, just
about the same distance to the neighbors.

Oh, gosh.

I wish you were a horse.

I appreciate your desire, Miss Marlowe.

Sometimes I almost share it.

What can I do?

Well, that's precisely what we've been
discussing.

Perhaps countless phones connected.

It's not likely this time of year,
but I'll try it.

Pug!

See you got it.

Good work.

What?

Just as I figured.

No phone connection.

Professor Lang.

Evening, Mr. Braddock.

Why don't you take your coat off?

Nasty weather we're having.

Where are the boys?

You mean the kidnappers?

The kidnappers?

Well, I... I think they had
a nervous breakdown.

You've got those mugs to drag me away from
that dance.

They weren't mugs, they're on the football
squad.

Kidnapping is a crime in this country.

I'll have you thrown in jail.

Okay, go ahead.

Are you against dancing?

He thinks I'm dishonorable.

Are you?

I don't know.

She goes down there and dances tonight,
she is.

All I know is I've got to get there.

Seems there's more here than meets the
eye.

Look, I...

No, I can't tell you what it's about, but...
But I'll give you a hypothetical case.

Suppose you gave your word about something
to a dishonest person.

Would you feel you had to go ahead and
wreck everything just to keep your word?

Yes, I would.

But a dishonest person?

A crook?

It wouldn't be the crook's word.

It would be my word.

Okay, come on, I'll take you back.

Wait a minute, in your car?

Sure, what's wrong with it?

Well, it hasn't got a top and I'll be all
wet.

That's no great change.

Listen, Pug.

Okay, okay, save it.

Why don't you?

Why don't you?

Go ahead.

It's a fine idea.

You'll be as dry as Braddock's sense of
humor.

Well, gosh, you're the first guy that ever
made a mummy out of me!

You always hike in the rain?

I came up here this morning, when
everything was dry.

My shack's down the road a bit.

Hey!

What's the matter?

I can't breathe!

Well, I'll fix that.

Joey!

Cutting you a window!

Well, be careful, don't cut it in her
face.

Oh, danger of that.

Her mouth's always open.

Too bad I don't have tonsils.

They'd be out by now.

Yeah, that is too bad.

Hey!

What's the matter now?

I can't see very well.

You don't have to.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Drop around again soon, and bring a
friend.

I'll get some more oil cloths.

This is no friend.

It's just a package.

And no prize package, either.

Quite a conversationalist, aren't you?

Please hurry!

Okay, okay!

And so, the zero hour has finally arrived.

First girl up is that lovely little
package, Miss Toots Barton.

Well, where is she?

I don't know!

One of the neighbors saw her leave the
apartment in a cabin.

That's all I could find out.

How long does it take to get here,
from where you live?

Oh, about five minutes.

Well, when did Patty leave?

About an hour ago.

That doesn't call for an Einstein.

She must be coming with her way to
Chicago.

Oh, I'm worried.

You're worried?

Honey, my stomach's playing leapfrog.

Maybe one of these kids will click.

I think I'll go over and see how the boss
is taking it.

Well, boss, enjoying the powwow?

Not bad, huh?

She stinks.

Yeah, well, there'll be others later on.

You know, something
tells me we're going to find

the girl we're looking
for right here in this room.

What do you think, Joe?

Well, she may not be right here in this
room, but she's somewhere.

The devil only knows where, but somewhere.

What kind of a gag is this?

Maybe she's the kind that grows her.

Brother, if she ever grew on me,
I'd have an operation.

The boss is beginning to lather up.

If Patty doesn't show up in three minutes,
what a hole I'm in.

We lost a part.

Part?

All right, stop your wailing.

I'll get you there.

And when I do, I'm through with you.

Here it comes.

They're going to end the number again.

Oh, make them play another chorus.

Patty may show up any second.

The girl's already danced for choruses.

She's running out of steps.

That dame ain't going to exit.

She's going to faint.

Oh, what am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

You want a suggestion?

Just give me a hint.

Put her in, instead of Patty.

No, no, just as a stall.

But there's only supposed to be five
contestants.

So what?

This is bank night.

Okay, might as well make it a lengthy
death.

Go on, get up there, kid.

Oh, but I can't dance.

But you don't have to dance.

You've got a little fake routine I showed
you.

It looks like dancing.

But I have no makeup.

I have no costume.

I suppose you want to run home and change.

Come on.

Go on, go on, honey.

Forget that you've got legs.

Go on, drift them up with the music.

Go on for Patty.

Come back and finish this conversation
later.

Go on up there.

You don't need an announcement.

Just dance.

Miss Marlowe is supposed to be the fifth
contestant.

They were against her from the beginning.

They've double-crossed me.

What are you talking about?

Those... those chiselers?

Here's your hoover, Mr. Drews.

My what?

It's a miracle!

Patty!

How am I late?

What an idea!

You've missed the boat so awful,
you've had to nail it to the dock.

Come on!

Goodbye, punk.

Come on!

Come on!

Hey, buddy!

Do you want me to wait for you?

What?

Oh, okay.

And now for the final contestant of the
evening.

Miss Patty Marlowe.

I think the boss needs a pep call.

What did you say?

I was beginning to think I'd never find a
college girl.

It looked like a college girl.

They all acted and danced like a lot of
hoovers.

We've got carloads of those.

Oh, but I can't dance.

Oh, modest too.

Yeah, boss.

But how about that little redhead up
there?

Very nice, very nice little hoover.

Nice.

Well, she's terrific.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great
pride that I'm about to tell you that.

Monarch Pictures has found the winner of
its great contest.

And the forthcoming star of dancing co-ed.

Miss...

Miss Eve Greeley.

Miss Eve Greeley.

Patty, darling, what shall I do?

Oh, I'm so happy for you, Eve,
honestly.

You see, you always wanted it and I never
did.

Patty, you didn't.

I swear to you, Eve.

That's why it wasn't for you, baby.

I knew what you wanted.

The same as I knew this kid here was a
natural.

Even Workman could see that.

Who are you?

Sam Marlowe.

We knew each other when.

When what?

When you owned a turkey show that used to
play at the palace.

Why, sure.

Marlowe and Mac, where the heck have you
been all these years?

Oh, hither and thither.

Lately, I've been giving this kid a
polish.

Well, I thought I recognized the nifty
touch.

Why don't you come out with us and finish
the job, Sam?

Where?

Hollywood.

You could whip up some of the other girls,
too.

Well, well, Hollywood's a mighty nice
town.

Very interesting.

I understand they do it with mirrors
there.

Congratulations, Miss Greeley.

Wouldn't you like to say something?

Oh, well, I... I.

I only wanted to say that I never expected
to win this contest.

Thank you.

I thought you were swell, Patty.

Thanks.

Nobody else did.

Well, at least you won't have to give up
your newspaper business.

Hey, where are you going?

To look for a job.

I'm staying right here at Midwestern.

Oh, no, you don't.

You try and stop me.

No job.

That's out.

Look, Cub.

We can't get a license tonight,
but Monday after poetry class,

instead of stopping for hot dogs,
we'll dash out and get married.

Oh, but... You said that
you were through with me.

I had my eyes crossed.

The End.