Original subtitles

Get out! Get out, libidinous swine!

Take that whore, strumpet with you!

Go rot in the filth of fornication!

And what did you say to him?

Nothing. I pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.

Oh, Edmund, you're SO naughty!

I try, madam. Then, when I've got my breath back, I try again.

Perhaps we can turn to more important matters. Must we? I fear so.

My old tutor's son has been kidnapped and he begs you to help him pay the ransom.

Edmund. What would YOU say?

Well, I have had experience of this dreadful situation.

Last year, my aunt begged for help with the ransom of my Uncle Osrick.

Yes. I can suggest no better answer Then you know of the pain involved. than the one I gave to her. Yes?

Get stuffed!

You jest over a young man's life? For young man, read young idiot!

Anyone stupid enough to let some moustachioed dago come up to him,

say "Excuse me, meester", and hit them over the head deserves it!

You're in good fooling today, sir! Thank you. I heard an amusing story myself the other day...

Oh good.

Excuse me, meister!

Yes, what is it?

I said, "What is it?", not "Hit me on the head with a...

Melchie, I've changed my mind about that Forrest bloke.

He's obviously very STUPID but we can't punish him for it, can we?

If we punished people for that, Certainly not, ma'am. Nursie would always be in prison!

A very PIQUANT observation, Majesty!

So I WILL sign this ransom. But it must be the last - ABSOLUTELY the last. Final...

..Full stop. Never again...

..Cross my heart and hope to die.

Not "hope to die", Majesty?

Er... All right. I'll cross it out.

Erm... Here you are. Sorry about the smudge!

Thank you, ma'am!

Excuse me, meister. Yes?

Oh no! Oh God! What on earth was I drinking last night?

My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.

Where am I?

O-o-oh! Who's that?

It is I, Melchett. Melchett!

You really should clean this house of yours. It's a real mess!

It's no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped! Oh God! How incredibly embarrassing!

As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha haa! Oh God! Who's that?

Ti preparo para la interrogazione suplicio!

If anyone's going to be spoken to, it's gonna be me! Tell him, Melchie!

Certainly! Parlo con lui, no mi! Parlo con lui!

Ah bueno, el jefe! Ti preparo para la interrogazione suplicio!

Ah, that's better. Now, what's he saying?

He says he would like a word with you. A-ha! Anything else?

He says he would like to torture you, as well.

Are you, by any chance, a dignitary of the Spanish Inquisition?

Te gustara mucho la inquisicion!

Good. Because if you are, I wish to make it quite clear

that I am prepared to tell you absolutely anything!

No habla, puerco!

No speako dago.

I demand to see the British ambassador. Understand?

Necesito silencio para comenzar.

How...can...you...question...me... if...you...don't...speak...English?

No. YO pregunto las cuestiones!

OK. Let's start with the basics.

English is a non-inflected, Indo-European language derived from dialects...

HOWZAT?!

Percy. Who's queen?

Whoops! Butterfingers!

Ah! So I win again! Yes. Well done, Your Majesty!

..And there's no sign of Edmund? I fear not, Ma'am. He's vanished!

Simply vanished.

WISTFULLY: Like an old oak table.

VANISHED, Lord Percy. Not VARnished.

Forgive me, my lady. My uncle Bertram's old oak table vanished.

'Twas the night of the Great Stepney Fire.

That terrible night his house and all his things completely vanished too.

So did he, in fact!

'Twas a most perplexing mystery...

Lord Percy! Yes?

It's up to you...

..either you can shut up -

or you can have your head cut off.

..I'll shut up.

Bastardo!

Bath..tar...do...

Barrister?

Bastardo!

Embarrassing?

You're embarrassing? I'M embarrassing?

A...a rogering!

Pregnant!

Baby!

Bathwater!

Sounds like... BASTARD! Si! Oh, bastard!

No es terminado! Ah.

Hijo!

Hijo!

Donkey!

Padre...e hijo! Big bastard... Little bastard?

PADRE... Man? ..hijo. Boy? Son!

I'm a bastard's son!

Di perra. PANTS LIKE A DOG.

Thirsty bastard!

HE BARKS Thirsty barking bastard!

Oh - dog!

Woman!

Dog!

Dog...bitch!

I'm a bastard son of a bitch! Si!

In that case, YOU are a fornicating baboon!

Que?

Oh dear! Y-YOU...

Tu... Tu! Oh - yo! Yes, yo...

.. a fornicating...

I can't really do it in this box!

Tuos testiculos...

My er...those...yes.

..sobre un fuego grande.

Over a large...? Fuego, fuego!

Fire! Right!

So, let's recap -

If I admit that I'm in love... No! No!

Sorry - head over heels in love...

..with Satan and all his little... wizards.

Then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...

Una guadana!

..resembling a gardening tool...

..and roast them over a large fire. Si! Si!

Whereas if I DON'T admit...

..that I am in love with Satan and all his little wizards,

you will hold me upside down, in a vat of warm marmalade.

Y...

AND...

..remove my testicles with a blunt instrument.

I see. Well, in that case...

..I love Satan.

Oh ho!

Oh, it's a SCYTHE!

I don't know. I've looked everywhere!

Perhaps... they're...not...hiding...at all.

Perhaps...they've been...KIDNAPPED!

Nonsense!

As Edmund said, only real idiots get kidnapped!

Do they?

Stop!

AAAGH!

GERMAN ACCENT: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder. I have been neglecting my duties as a host.

Please accept my apple-ogies.

I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode!

I hope this SCUM...

HE WHIMPERS

..has not inconweenienced you.

A maniac trying to cut off my goolies won't inconweenience me(!)

If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue!

Sir. If he had inconweenienced me, you would not have a tongue to make this offer with!

If I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer,

YOU would not have a tongue to say that if I had inconweenienced you...

..I would not have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue!

Yes, well. Enough of this banter.

Who the hell are you, Sausage Breath?

You do not remember me then? I don't think I've had the pleasure.

Oh yes! We have met many times. But you knew me by another name!

Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto,

with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game, at an old piss-hole in Dover? My God!

Yes! I was the waitress!

I don't believe it! YOU?! Big Sally?

SQUEAKY VOICE: Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?

But I went to bed with you, didn't I?

For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice!

Yes, but I'm not. I must have been paralytic!

Indeed - Mr Floppy! Yes, all right!

Very funny. Now, would you mind... SQUEAKY VOICE: Such a disappointment for a girl... Yes, very funny...

"We'll try again in a few minutes. Look at some naughty parchments!"

Aren't we proud of our comic serving-wench voice(!)

Essential at all social gatherings - the tedious little turd who puts on amusing voices! QUIET!

What else is in your inventive repertoire? Drunk Glaswegian?

Hilarious black man? See you, Jimmy! Where am dat warty-melon?

Oh fabulous! I can't wait to see your side-splitting puff,

and that funny croaky one that is such a scream!

But best of all is the fat-headed German chamberpot in front of me!

You talk too much, Blackadder!

I think it's a case of werbal diarreeree that you're having!

I have given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand.

Unless she pays up, you die - howibly!

She will pay up! And then within a week, YOU die - howibly howibly!

You find yourself amusing!

Why deny public opinion?

I think that in a week from now, you won't be so amusing!

At least I CAN be amusing!

Choose your next witticism well - it may be your last!

Guards! Fetch his friend.

GUARDS: Eins zwei, eins zwei!

Please! No! No!

O-oh!

We meet again!

I don't think... You don't recognise me? No.

Let me refresh your memory!

When you were in Cornwall, there was a shepherd who you used to talk to.

Good lord! Timkins?

Yes! I was one of his sheep!

Sheep? Not... Yes!

Flossie? But didn't we...? YES,

Melchett!

Baaaa! Oh my God!

But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an interesting document.

Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that...

The kveen says she will pay a ransom but it must be the last - ABSOLUTELY the last. Final. Full stop.

Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.

She has a difficult choice ahead.

Not really! Bad luck, Melchers! Still - life, overrated, I reckon!

Gentlemen, excuse me. I have work to do.

Evil plots don't make themselves you know!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

"Dear Kveen...

"I, evil Prince Ludwig the Indestructible,

"have your two friends.

"And you must SHOES between them.

"The ransom is one million kroner.

"Many, many...apple-ogies for the inconweenience."

Goodness! What a difficult choice!

It isn't the first time, my little tadpole! That's true. In the old days, it was ALL difficult choices!

Should you have nursie milk or moo-cow? It was always nursie milk!

But then, left breasty or right breasty?

Of course, it was always both! But then which one first?

Shut up, Nursie!

Curses! Oh! This is very confusing!

Lord Percy! Play a while to calm my spirits.

Certainly, Ma'am.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man,

Ha! You're it! Ring-a-ring-a-rosie! All fall down!

What say you I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

It depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head!

Perhaps some pleasant word game?

All right.

Make a sentence from the following -

face, sodding, your, shut.

For God's sake, man!

We must relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us!

Awaits YOU, not me! How's my beard looking?

Alas, shall I never see England more?

Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...

Her playful sheep.

DOOR OPENS About time too!

Gentlemen! The answer has arrived!

Thank God! I'm sick of this!

The conditions are just disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison!

I shall read it!

Typical criminal - loves the sound of his own voice!

"After careful thought, the queen has decided to expend the ransom money on..."

..a big party.

JUST impossible to decide between my two faves,

so I've decided to keep the cash,

have a wizard jolly time,

and try to forget both of you.

Hope you're not too miffed.

Bye-ee!

What?

"Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee."

As you can imagine, my friends, this makes me very unhappy.

Oh, I AM sorry(!)

But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to gain access to your queen...

I might commute your deaths to a life sentence!

Are you suggesting we betray her?

Oh yes!

All right!

What are you saying? What of loyalty, honour, self-respect?

What of them?

Nothing.

So you will both play ball? BOTH: Yep!

Oh what joy! See how you collapse before me!

You incorruptible English nobs!

So proud of your stiff upper lips!

Gloating is a sign of insecurity! Do you want to get to the Queen?

Yes. I thought a disguise!

I do a very good Mary Queen of Scots!

Hoots mon! Where's ma heed?

What sort of party should it be?

Oh...fancy dress. I love fancy dress!

Nursie?

I think it should be one of those where everybody comes with nothing on at all.

Shut up, then!

I agree, Acting Lord Chamberlain!

If we're to forget our woes, we should have as much fun as possible!

And what could be more fun than dressing as frogs, rabbits and nuns! And bits of wood!

You're not going to come as a bit of wood!

Aren't I? No!

How about a pencil? Should I come as a pencil?

Don't be silly. You always talk like this and you always come as the same thing!

Do I? Yes. You know... Everybo...

Lassie!

What does Nursie always come to fancy dress parties dressed as?

I thought everybody knew. Everybody except Nursie. Tell her!

She always comes as a cow.

That's right - a lovely, lovely cow,

with great big lovely udders!

Swinging around going moooo!

Come to Nursie cow, you lovely heifers! What fun!

Can I be a cow again, PLEASE?

Oh shut up! Isn't Nursie stupid? She certainly is, ma'am!

You see!

We're having a good time already!

We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison, haven't we?

What chaps?

GUARDS: Eins zwei, eins zwei. DOOR OPENS

My friends, I bid you farewell.

These guards will die of old age. Their sons will attend to your needs!

Thank you, but we intend to escape!

With your information, I intend to bring down your queen and country.

The master of disguise will become the master of the world! Ha ha ha ha!

One thing before you go! What?

Were you bullied at school?

What do you mean?

All this ranting and raving about power.

Nonsense! At my school, dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

I thought so! And your mother had you in shorts till your final year!

SHUT UP!

When I am King of England, no-one will ever dare call me "Shorty Greasy Spot Spot" again!

Touched a nerve there, I think!

What good is it if we're doomed to die here?!

Don't worry. I've got a plan! Yes?

Now that Ludwig's gone, we'll be able to overcome the guards. I've been watching their routine.

The moment when they are most vulnerable is when we will attack!

Brilliant! How? That is the most cunning bit!

Eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei...

This is it! Don't forget - when they're at their most vulnerable!

..zwei. Halt! Jingle the keys!

JINGLE OF KEYS Open the door!

Greetings to the prisoners!

Guten Abend, Englander scum!

March to the table! Eins...

..zwei, eins zwei, eins...

..zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei, eins zwei. Halt!

Food on ze table!

Eins zwei!

Spit on ze food!

Eins zwei!

Insulting farewell gesture to the prisoners!

Eins zwei, eins zwei.

NOW! Oooooh!

Trust me to get the hard one!

Yo-ho-ho! Off with their heads!

Ma'am, it is BRILLIANT!

Your father is born again!

I should bally well hope not! Or else I won't be queen any more!

Yours is pretty good too. What is it?

Nothing, Ma'am! Just a mere trifle I threw together.

Doesn't look much like a trifle!

Looks more like a fruit salad to me!

Nursie's really excelled herself!

Moooo!

Yes. She has!

Hmm. I'm not sure about this though!

What are you meant to be?

A pencil case.

Yes!

Oh! It's just like parties I had when I was tiny!

We had tea and cakes and venison.

Then a trip with a couple of friends to the executions! How sweet!

If I wanted any of my friends executed!

Oh! How I do wish Edmund could be here!

He always loved parties.

And always, always wore very, very tight tights.

Edmund who?

Edmund Blackadder! Majesty! Oh!

Edmund! But... Did you ever know me to miss a party? Oh!

And Lord Melchett?

Yes. Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too.

Rapture!

Joy beyond measure! Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers!

Baaaaa!

Sorry, Edmund?

Nothing.

Yes, ahem...

Apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed.

Your animal isn't house-trained, Percy's unemployed and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle!

Mooooo!

Thank you for reminding me! Ha! Aagh!

Nursie! You've killed Nursie!

That's horrid!

Guards! Take him and execute him! He's killed Nursie!

Can anyone help me with my udders?

Nursie! Yes.

Yes! And may I introduce our erstwhile captor -

Prince Ludwig the Indestructible!

Ah! Queen Elizabeth! We meet again!

No, I don't think so actually.

You remember when you were young and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony,

that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard? Yes, yes!

I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.

No! Yes!

You?

Shorty Greasy Spot Spot?! No!

No, no, no!

You will all of you regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion!

I shall return and vreak my rewengee! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

No you won't. You will die and be buried!

ALL: Hooray!

Strange man!

But how did you know it was him? It was the information which saved our lives.

We said if the Queen was having a party, Nursie always goes as a cow.

From then on, he was doomed. We only had to escape and kill the cow.

How could you know it wasn't Nursie?

Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise.

Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation!

All we had to do, was kill the one that looked like the cow!

That was the mistake I knew he would make. His disguise was too good!

Gosh Edmund! How brilliant! Welcome home!

It's good to be back!

Welcome Edmund! Did you...miss me?

I certainly did!

Many was the time I said to myself, "I wish Percy was here...!" Oh!

"..being tortured instead of me!"

Oh, we have missed your wit!

D'you miss me, my lord?

Erm... Baldrick, is it? That's right.

No, not really.

And me?

Did you miss me, Edmund?

Madam. Life without you is like a broken pencil.

Explain.

Pointless.

# Beware all evil lust for fame

# The path of life is most uncertain

# Prince Ludwig thought he'd won the game

# But now the Kraut's gone for a burton

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# He beats the Hun by luck

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# He's smarter than a duck

# Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett

# Intelligent and deep

# Lord Melchett, Lord Melchett

# A shame about the sheep. #

LUDWIG: Ha ha ha! Now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy!