Original subtitles

What? We're home.

Watch your head. Go on.

All right? Yes. Thank you.

Why didn't she come? It's my birthday.

That's all right. Forget about it.

Watch your head. Careful.

Pleasant dreams.

Bitch, this is it.

Look at that. Parsifal.

Come on. Come on. Let's get up there.

By George, I think we've done it.

Well, are you just gonna lie there and stare at me?

Don't be so shy.

Not like that, silly boy.

Tenderly. Softly.

Here, let me show you.

Because of its relatively simple structure,

an insect probably feels little pain if it's injured.

Goddamn it!

Ivan, what are you doing?

Stop it. Ivan, please stop it.

Come on.

This hurts everything, everybody.

All you think, that is a damn door.

I'll have to sound proof that.

Calm down. Oh, Jesus.

Calm down, it's okay.

Calm down. Lay down, okay?

What would you say to $100,000

to the exclusive rights for this whatchamacallit?

A million. To me 3 million.

Three million dollars. I'll take it.

I'll sell it for 3 million-

Sell it. Sell it.

Uh, a nightmare.

Nobody can buy it for $3 million.

Oh, God, I'm gonna die.

Hello? Oh, he's not in.

Do you know where I can find him?

Oh, he's in London? What a coincidence, so am I.

Could you tell me where he's staying?

Huh?

Oh, you didn't understand what I said?

Could you tell me where he's staying?

At the Dorchester, of course.

Where else would he stay but at the Dorchester?

It's a wonderful hotel.

Have you ever been there, Mrs. James?

Oh, it's Miss James. Excuse me while I call him.

Thank you so much. Toodle-oo.

Toodle-oo.

Just 20 seconds. I'm out of shape.

Beersbohm!

And he's not here!

If that's Mackintosh, I'm in the hospital.

If it's Thompson, I'm out of town,

and if it's Shwartz, you've never heard of me.

But if it's Board, I'm available.

Yeah.

The red phone, the plumber,

but on the black phone, Mackintosh!

Mackintosh.

Hello? Hello?

Parsifal?

Come out. Speak. There was no reply.

Michael was there in the bed.

I can't swim!

I was looking for a match.

Why don't you use that lighter you stole from me?

The gold one with my monogram on it.

Ah, here, look.

I had matches all the time.

My silk scarf from India has also disappeared.

And my egg. You et it.

I wrote my name on it, I know my egg.

You give me back my egg.

Beersbohm. Beersbohm. Where are you?

Hurry!

Fine.

It's the phone, I'll take the call.

Sure. Pick it up.

Ivan.

Hello?

Herr Doktor is in the slammer.

The clink.

Is it Henry Board?

Nein, it was the plumber.

Asking for the small sum he didn't get last year.

Ivan, Ivan, why aren't you at school?

What is this a school project? Modern art, I see. Very nice.

Will you stop hammering? Please.

Where's Elba?

Oh, I wouldn't worry if I were you.

Oh, well, you're not me, and I'm worried.

She has no consideration for me at all. Nothing!

I can't even hear my pulse.

Ah, this is terrible.

Terrible.

I got a report from my school this morning.

I don't know what to do. I failed.

You see, I have this problem.

Ivan. Come here. Come here please. Sit down.

My health is failing. I'm not very well.

Besides, I have this invention.

Incredible invention. I have it.

I mean, I don't own it, but I have control over it.

And it's worth millions.

All I have to do is find somebody to buy it.

Now, the only one that could buy it

is a man called Henry Board.

But he won't call me on the phone.

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Fifty million, he's got, hundred million.

I failed in school! Two, three, four-

You failed in school?

You mean you're not gonna get a diploma?

You mean you're not gonna have an education?

That means you won't marry a rich girl.

This is terrible news.

This is just terrible.

You do look rather pale. Pale?

What do you mean, I look pale?

How pale? Pretty pale.

What do you mean, pretty pale?

Is that very pale, light pale, dark pale, what pale?

Pretty pale. Pretty pale.

Oh, come on, Parsi,

not that pale, just a little bit pale.

I am pale.

Now, Ivan, I want you to tell me the truth.

The other day when your mother was talking to the doctor,

they spoke for a very long time

in they kept looking in my direction.

What did they say?

She was telling him about her guilt complex and insomnia.

You're such a good son.

You don't want to frighten me. Tell me the truth.

She was looking at me strangely.

You said so yourself.

I didn't say she was looking at you strangely.

I said that Elba was looking strange.

Strange.

Herr Doktor, Mackintosh is...

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

No, tell him I'm out to dinner.

Oh, I forgot.

I have a surprise.

You thought I'd forget, didn't you?

Yesterday was your birthday.

Happy birthday.

Son, this is for you.

From your father.

Oh, Parsi, you're not sick.

You just don't know what it's like to be dying.

Nor do you.

Now, don't be disrespectful to your father.

I send you to a beautiful, good school. And what happens?

You fail. Huh.

I try to maintain this house, I have a nice place to live,

all these people around you. Huh.

People? Parasites.

How about that Bern from Borsboom?

He's a complete phony. And how about that Chotimoff.

He's a liar and a thief.

I mean, why do you keep them around?

And how about that freak, Jasper-?

Now, just a minute, just a minute.

Jasper the Giant, that's your mother's.

Choffi, Beersbohm, they're friends of each other's youth.

They did me a favor once. I cannot abandon them.

But these other people, these crazies

that your mother brings into the house.

She wants to change the world.

I just don't understand it.

They're gonna take away my house, my home,

the place I live, the creditors are after me,

and where's your mother when I need her?

Disappeared.

Oh, I remember when it used to be so nice.

Herr Doktor, I am afraid Madame has just arrived.

She's here? All right.

No word about Mackintosh, about the house, nothing, right?

At least they can't sue me.

Who would sue a dying man?

Morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

Elba. Who is that man out there?

There's a white dove in the house!

There's a dove in the house!

Come.

Please help us. Keep that man from getting in the house.

I don't wanna see that Dove gain.

Happy birthday, Ivan.

My birthday was yesterday.

What have you done to your door, Ivan?

That door is soundproof. And I won't hear you anymore!

You ask about his door, but you don't care about my health.

I don't understand, Parsifal?

Why should Ivan want to build such a heavy door?

Maybe he doesn't want to hear you and Luke.

Let me tell you something, Elba, that Luke must go.

Go, go, go.

You know, you don't listen.

Dr. Rosenthal says I'm a very sick man,

and Dr. Blumenthal says I won't last the winter.

Dr. Blumenthal died 10 years ago.

He never said a word. Can you imagine?

Hi, there.

I didn't know you could roller skate too.

Hey, watch out!

Mr. Board. I want to speak to Mr. Henry Board II.

Hey.

Hello? Yes.

How many times I have to tell you to lick both sides?

If you are such great licker, lick them yourself.

That is not my responsibility, my dear.

But I am a better licker than you.

Shh! Danke schoen.

What are these things still doing there?

Why have they not been sent to these people on the list?

Herr Doktor, already we have mailed

the brochures to half the people!

Well, what about the other half?

How will they buy the invention without a brochure?

No more stamps. Well, then buy stamps.

No more money! Then buy money!

Hello?

It's you, Luke.

How long are you going to keep working

on that bird of paradise?

Elba, have you made up your mind?

Will it be a yes or no?

Did Ivan eat his breakfast this morning?

You can never give me a straight answer, can you?

Why did he build such a heavy door, Luke?

Aren't you doing the same thing to me, Elba?

Why won't you let me love you?

How long do I have to roller-skate around this house?

Ivan.

He is not a child anymore.

He knows how I feel about you. Now please, Elba.

Leave me alone.

Ivan. Ivan.

I know you're in there, please.

Please come out, I beg you.

I beg you, Ivan, please open this damn door.

Ivan. Ivan. Please.

What do you want?

Listen, Elba, don't try to apologize.

But if your friend stays,

my friend Sheila stays too in my room.

You hear?

Luke was only trying to give a massage-

I don't care what Luke was trying to give you.

Don't you dare ask one of my friends to leave.

Or I'll-

Ivan. There.

At least it's finished. Why don't you face reality?

I mean if you're really going to create, then really do it.

Don't pin your dreams on me.

Just go your own way and let me be.

Whatever I am. Just let me be.

Maybe I'm just an ordinary boy, I don't know.

I don't care.

But just let me find out for myself.

Myself, myself, myself.

You're losing me money.

You'll get the rest of the money when I make the deal.

Yes, I have a customer.

No, but I can't tell you what his name is.

I'm not allowed to say.

Rudevitch, I cannot tell you what his name is.

I will tell you as soon as I can.

What? Hold on one minute. What is it?

Rudevitch...

Mackintosh, careful with the harp.

Mr. Katzenellenbogen. I'm a hard man.

I am a hard man, man!

You knew that when you come to me to borrow money,

it's your fault, neither a borrower nor lender, be.

That's Rabbi Burns. I trusted you.

And on what, some crackpot machine that prints in the sky?

Rudevitch, later. You promised to repay my loan.

And so far, I haven't seen a single ball bead back.

If we was in Scotland,

if we was in County McGillicuddy,

you'd have been staring at the walls of a hoosegow

for the past wee month already.

Oh, should I take that with me now?

No, no. You don't want to-

Before you hide it away somewhere.

Tired, to be or not to be, that is the $64 question.

That's Rabbi Burns. Rabbi Burns.

Ahem. I don't know Rabbi Burns.

That's a joke. Joke.

Joke, is it?

It's not Hogmanay night.

There'll be no Auld Lang Syne between us, now.

You'll either pay me today or out it all goes.

Every one one of your sticks are chapped.

I've got buyer coming today.

Really a very important customer.

This old shmuck is giving me trouble.

Shmuck, is it? Shmuck?

You scrawny haggis. Shmuck?

I may be a shmuck.

But I've got more than my sporran

between my legs. Mackintosh

6Rudevitch. Rudevitch, hello?

He hung up.

Get the door. I'll have the phone.

Will you get the door.

Shmuck.

Man, he's locked in his room,

so no tinkle-tinkle piano lesson today, no.

And now, a few words from that famous actor,

Montague Chippendale, on behalf of Board Industries.

I'm Montague Chippendale.

Yes, in those golden days of Hollywood,

to be fat was to be funny. Hello? Yes. Mr. Board, please.

Mr. second, the Board. Thank you, I will hold.

As for myself, being a famous movie star,

I naturally have to watch my figure.

That's why, every day, I take LiViTs.

Hello, Henry. It's Parsifal.

A friend of your father. How is your father?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I hope he recovers.

Oh, he has recovered, well, good for him.

Let me tell you something,

Uh, Henry, if I may call you Henry II?

I've been watching your commercial on television.

You've got Chippendale. Wonderful commercial.

Must be doing business, wonderful.

Not wonderful, terrible. That's wonderful.

I didn't mean it's wonderful for you,

it's wonderful for me,

because I have an invention that I think will improve

your business sales. Absolutely.

No question about it.

It will increase LiViTs by 100 percent.

Did you read my brochure?

You saw it but you didn't read it.

Don't bother reading it, come and see it.

I can't bring it to you. It's too big, too cumbersome.

And it's bolted to the floor.

Why don't you come to my house?

You will? I mean, you will? Wonderful. Tonight.

Beersbohm. I got him.

Board. I got Board.

Yes, and his associate, what's his name,

Montague Chippenshare. Think of what's in it.

Herr Doktor, I always say, never despair.

This man is a millionaire! There's money, money, money.

Yeah, yeah, truly big fish!

This time the little fish will eat the big fish.

Oh, my dear, did you hear what happened?

I heard. Isn't it wonderful news?

It's awful news. Get out of my way!

What's with your face? Get out of my way.

It means a lot to us! Sugar. Sugar.

Elba, now you wait a minute.

Elba, I will not stand for this.

You listen. Tonight you'll be down at 8:00...

...want you to meet Board and Chippendale...

I want to have a dinner tonight that's par excellence!

you call the grocer. I want caviar, shish kebab,

you wait for a minute,

I want everything you can put together.

Get it immediately. Herr Doktor.

Yes? What?

Ahem. You owe the grocer quite a sum.

Don't tell me what I owe him. I know I owe him.

And tell him I'll pay him tomorrow. s usual.

Elba. Elba. Now, Elba, wait a minute.

Do you know who this Board is and what he means to me?

Do you know what nuclear missiles are? Chemical warfare?

What has this nonsense got to do with me?

Yes.

Is pollution nonsense? What?

Hominal feeling, nonsense. Hominal feeling?

Radioactive contamination nonsense?

But what has that got to do with my invention?

It is not your invention. It's my invention.

You bought it from a poor,

unknown Polish inventor

and haven't even finished paying for it.

And now you want to sell it to a ruthless man

like Henry Board.

You don't want to face facts. Facts.

You're the one that doesn't want to face facts.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to ruin me.

You're trying to cast a spell on me.

Look. You did! Elba! Wait a minute.

Elba?

Do you have to wear a hat

in the house all the time, Parsifal?

Now, are you coming to the party?

No. I will not be coming to the dinner tonight.

Then don't come to the dinner.

I won't.

The drain pipe broke. I had to cut it off

or there would have been a flood.

There's no water.

Call the plumber! I did!

But they haven't yet forget

they weren't paid the last time.

Nor the grocer.

He refuses to send us any more food unless we pay.

Wait a minute.

Luke, one minute.

Sacrania helicopteris.

Insects, you know, hmm.

They devour everything in their way.

Doesn't everybody.

Come here, young man. Roll over.

Sit down, please. Make yourself comfortable.

Careful. There you are. Okay.

Oh. Almost lost it.

Like the house? Yes, I do.

Wonderful, isn't it? Hmm.

Been here over a year now, have you not?

Yes, I think almost 14 months.

Fourteen months, love the house?

You must love it so much, you hardly ever go, heh.

True. It's such an unusual house.

Unusual. Very unusual. The wine is excellent.

Excellent. Hmm, radio, billiards,

television, everything you would want, huh.

You even sleep in my bed. Well, I only slept there once.

He's slept in it more often than I have.

Heh. Beersbohm, don't argue.

We'll talk about it later.

You, sir, are moving to a hotel.

Why should I? We made an arrangement.

What arrangement, you schnerer?

Schnerer. $250 a month?

Seven months ago, you never paid me a penny yet, huh.

I saw you got a check from your father.

What do you do with the money

that you're supposed to give me?

You go out and buy Valentino trousers and roller-skates.

Well, now I want the check, or you're out.

It's an ultimatum.

I don't care about what you've been doing.

But this is very unfair!

The check, or out. Pen.

Thank you. The plumber and the grocer.

Uh, Beersbohm, I need a favor.

Tonight we have some very special guests,

and it would be impossible

to have the dinner served improperly.

And the only one that can give it

its impeccable taste is your good self,

and therefore I would like for you to be the butler.

The butler! Yes.

Beersbohm performing as the butler?

Nein, Herr Doktor, nein!

Beersbohm. Beersbohm.

For what we've been through together.

For our friendship. For the future.

Please. I beg you.

Well, then.

If I may ask a small, personal favor of you.

Anything. Anything.

Tonight, in front of the honored guests,

please do not address me by my family name.

No. Call me, call me Bohm.

Bohm?

He has become Bohm the butler.

Bohm the butler. You think that's so funny?

You're setting the table.

What? Yes, the doilies

and the napkins and the dishes and the spoons

and don't break anything. That's an ultimatum.

Good.

Beersbohm, one other thing, this is very confidential.

I do not want madam drinking at all.

We don't want her drunk tonight, do we?

No drunks tonight.

No drunks tonight.

Oh, hi.

What do you want? I have to talk to you.

It's very important. What?

I want you to come to dinner tonight.

This guy, Mr. Board and Mr. Chippendale,

I want you there. No. No, I'm practicing.

But I want you there.

You don't need me. Stop in for a drink.

Don't stay long.

Just stop by and say hello.

I hate this door.

Elba. Elba, will you clean up this mess?

It's stinking up the whole house.

House, house, house.

Another thing.

I'm just afraid that this party's gonna be a disaster.

Disaster. Disaster.

Look, will you do something about...

Isn't it divine? A candle for your dinner party.

Damn heavy, this Buddha. Buddha is light.

You know, I really can't quite make you out, old boy.

Today is holy Friday, the day upon which we landed.

Today my task will end, then it is for Elba to carry on.

Actually, I thought she was leaving with me.

No, my friend, she will leave with no mortal man.

She is chosen.

When she discovers the truth, she will die.

You know, you really are getting

a little morbid, old boy.

Have you decided?

Nothing.

Huh.

Can you see the car?

Nothing, Herr Doktor, nothing. Well, the car's expected now.

My God.

My God. My God.

They're coming! My God!

Let me get a look.

Mackintosh. Argh!

Get him.

Stick him in your pocket, do something.

Now go on!

Oh, this is terrible.

Let me kill him.

Here, come this way. Go. Go.

The porch, that's him.

Spring!

Aah!

Aah, drop him off!

Here.

We can't leave him here.

The coffin. I don't like coffin.

Herr Doktor.

Come in, come in, come in, come in.

Doktor, and I wonder why you ration.

Surprise.

Have mastered the situation.

Mackintosh is a prisoner in Moore Jack's coffin.

Moore Jack's coffin, Mackintosh, heh, heh.

Where else should a bloodsucker be?

Look, Herr Doktor. Beersbohm thinks of everything.

The key to the cellar. The schnitzel.

The schnitzel.

...the police, hurry up. Oh, Elba!

Aah!

What are you doing? I'm practicing.

What are you practicing?

Do try to remember who won the war!

Don't take it personally.

Oh, come along. You're not growing any hair.

Bonsoir. I come to play the piano tonight.

Whoa.

Get the door.

Play.

Here you are, sir.

Look after Winston, Bradford.

Yes, sir.

Herr Henry Board II and Herr Montague Chippendale.

The first.

At last we meet, Mr. Board.

It's a great pleasure to meet you.

Oh, I'd know you anyplace, Mr. Board.

Oh, and Mr. Chippendish. Chippendale.

Chippendale. How do you do?

How do you do? Yes.

You brought your advisors.

Bodyguards. Oh.

Put them in the kitchen,

give them something to eat.

Excuse me, gentlemen! That's my mother-in-law.

Please come in, pay no attention.

Bird sanctuary.

Please, won't you come in.

I got you. Got you!

Please, Mr. Chippendash. Dale.

Don't throw ashes on the Bible. We're not in Alcatraz, mister.

My dear.

Uh, this is...

Yes, you must be Montague Chippendale.

How do you do, ma'am? Not too well.

I hope we're not too early. You are indeed, but sit down.

Thank you. Mr. Board.

This is my wife. My name is Elba.

Yes, Elba. Pleasure,ma'am.

We just-

Damn, damn. I gotta get him.

That goddamn bird just shits all over the place.

Ruth, I have guests in the house and my wife is present.

Say, there. Aren't you Montague Chippendale?

Hey. Oh, I sure love your movies.

That smile you got.

You're wanted in the kitchen.

Oh, see you later, cutie.

Glad I'm not Robert Redford.

They're rather informal in the house.

Bohm, you may serve the champagne.

Bohm, serve the champagne.

Ugh, Bohm.

Bohm is the most perfect butler I've ever known.

Absolutely fascinating.

Been with the family for years. Excellent.

Heh, yes.

No, we were just looking at some beautiful, uh, sculptures

in the garden. Are they Egyptian?

No, they were excavated in the Bronx in the third century.

My wife likes to make jokes, yes.

She was born and raised in- Latvia.

Lapland? Hmm.

Would you like some caviar? Take two.

Take three. Thank you.

Oh, I thank you, my dear Bohm.

To you. Good evening, everybody.

Oh, no. Nice of you to drop by.

Ah, I see you already have your champagne.

I'll just go and pour myself a drop.

Don't I know you, mister?

Weren't you a waiter in the executive dining room

of the World Trade Center? Hardly.

I've been living in Morocco these last two years,

abroad, you know?

Really? Yes, carry on.

I swear you were the one who dropped a plate of soup

down my neck.

Now, have some caviar, please.

Caviar, the only good thing to come out of Russia.

Hmm.

All right everybody, into the dining room.

But, Ruth, I'm just serving the caviar

and we're just drinking champagne.

So bring it in with you. My borscht won't wait.

Borscht?

One hundred percent genuine Jewish Russian borscht.

Just like my folks used to make back in the Ukraine

before they got to America.

* America, America *

Berscht? Not Berscht, borscht.

How do you pronounce it? Borscht.

I just love strange, exotic foods.

Don't you, Monty?

I don't think I quite got your name.

His name is Borscht.

This borscht is getting from bad to worst.

Let's go to the dining room.

Heh, first come first serve. Please, after you.

Come in, gentlemen, come in.

If you want, sit over there, sit here,

Parsifal, take your seat, as usual.

No, there seems to be a slight error here.

I distinctly remember the table beginning set for five.

Beersbohm.

Forgive me, sir.

You must be mistaking me with someone else.

My name is Bohm.

Bohm? Bohm.

Ah, Bhom, yes.

Well, Bhom, be so good as to set my place

at the table, won't you?

This is delightful.

A little confusing but delightful.

Bohm.

Uh, Henry here tells me you have a wonderful invention

that can increase sales of Livits.

Oh, absolutely. It can't fail.

And tonight at 11:00 I will show it.

Oh, that's splendid, old chap.

Naturally, since I have a small financial interest,

I am, heh...

I'm, uh, rather worried about the stuff on the shelves.

I want to get it off, you know what I mean?

Tell me, what exactly is the Rudevitch multilong sky printer?

Confidentially, this is the most incredible machine

that's ever been... Oh, Elba, dear.

You're not supposed to drink.

My wife has an allergy to alcohol.

The doctor told her not to drink.

That's not true.

This incredible machine can do something...

You take my drink, you Judas Iscariot.

I forgot to water the plants today.

As I was saying,

Confidentially, this machine is so incredible...

Beersbohm! I mean, Bohm.

He's an odd fellow. Where'd you find him?

I got him from Colonel Pitz in the last war.

He's a forceful fellow, isn't he?

Reminds me of a lion tamer I once knew.

Oh, that's the door. Excuse me, heh.

Please, eat, eat.

Hey, Camillia. Hey, come back here.

Hello.

What are you doing here?

I didn't know you were having a dinner party.

Hello. Why, Elba.

Please excuse this intrusion.

I just happened to be passing by.

I thought you were in the South.

Camillia, will you stop that?

What this bitch needs is just a little bit of discipline.

Hey, Contessa, you are there? Contessa Gabriella Veronica!

Hey, please excuse the intro. Remain seated, everybody.

I only met your charming friend Gabrielle Veronica

the Contessa on the way in here.

Was it Lucabam or Lucabaum...? I didn't say, darling.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Excuse while I take this bitch, I mean, this dog out, here.

Come on. Hello.

Oh, my God.

You don't mind if this gorgeous creature sits on my right?

I wouldn't mind if this gorgeous creature sat on your left.

One thing at a time. Here we are.

Thank you, darling.

Have her for dessert.

Yeah? Heh, heh. Wine?

How are you, well? Still fasting, Veronica?

Heh, you noticed.

By the way, who's that vicious looking cur tied up out there?

He means my dog, Winston, he's looking for trouble.

No, no, no, no.

How could he say that about your dog?

It's the gardener, he lives there. Salute.

To the gaze of the laughing dead.

I'll drink to that.

Are you Montague Chippendale?

I think I am, yes. Oh, good heavens.

Right.

You seem to be everywhere, my fellow.

Boy, if this is the Old Beersbohm,

say, what's this bit with the gloves and coat,

you look like some kind of a butler.

He certainly has a sense of humor.

You wouldn't have a couple of bones for Camillia, would you?

Parsifal, do we have any spare bones?

With or without flesh? Heh. We don't have any spare bones.

Who's that guy? Neighbor. Charming man.

Charming. Big dog. Heh, he'll leave in a moment.

This creep another one of your friends?

My name is Jasper.

Jasper what? Just Jasper.

Hey, there's still a lot left.

Come on, Chippy. You didn't even taste it.

No, no, no, please. Use mine. Oh, thanks.

Jasper, please. Jasper, please.

Get the, aah!

Perhaps you wouldn't mind autographing it for me.

Let me help you.

Careful. Serve him.

I'd rather serve myself, if you don't mind.

Boy, oh, boy. Can you believe this, huh?

I'm sitting here next to an honest-to-goodness movie star.

Uh, yes. Could you pass me the bread, please?

Sure.

There you go. Thank you.

Say, I'll bet you're an old Casanova, hey? Heh.

What business are you in, mister?

You look like one of them big-shot tycoons.

I bet you're into oil. Especially on your hair.

I bet you've got a private yacht and a private plane too.

Politics, maybe? What is this, the FBI?

This guy looks to me like a spook.

No, no, no. He's no spook. Believe me, no spook at all.

No, no, this is unexpected.

These things don't usually happen in my home.

I mean, it just happened like this.

I mean, really, you know?

Uh, shall we go back to the conversation of the machine?

I mean, really, entre

You know, confidentially. He's not here.

This machine will revolutionize advertising publicity.

Let me explain it to you.

At 11:00, up in my laboratory, the ceiling will open.

This machine will aim itself out into the skies,

sound waves will emanate

and it changes from sound waves to light waves

and then you touch a couple of buttons,

You better know what you're talking about.

My methods of advertising are unequaled.

Fools go around blowing up the world.

Me, I brainwash people. Blow off minds.

I deal with big stuff. I don't have time for small fry.

Henry, this is not small fry, this is big fry.

Heh, please, sit down.

Wanna hear a really great story?

Do I have a choice?

Did he what? Go on.

A little, old piece of paper, it was.

Please stop.

Beersbohm!

Easy. Like me to pour a glass of wine in your eye?

Beersbohm. I mean, Bohmbeers, uh, Bohm.

Will you please serve the Kulebyaka.

What is this... Kulebyaka.

It's the most delicious dish you'll ever have in your life.

Believe me. Go.

... my tissues.

And I started swatting it with the tissues

and I sop it up and I sop it up and I get all the moisture off.

Then I take the corner of this cardigan sweater

I'm wearing and I sop that up too.

And I fold it up and I put it in my wallet and do you know?

I still got it today. Well, what do you know.

Grace, time to serve the Kulebyaka.

Kulebyaka. Oh, my God. No Kulebyaka.

No food for the guests. Only toothpicks.

Herr Doktor!

...vaporizing of the suns...

Oh, Ruth, would you pass the borscht around, please?

I think I had quite enough of that borscht, thank you.

Uh, Henry.

Rumor has it that you're interested

in buying the Vatican.

Buying the Vatican? Are you nuts?

No one buys a piece of the rock

where St. Peter built the center of our faith.

Oh, it's true that I had a word or two

with the papal secretary.

A little idea. Certainly not a big moneymaker.

I have a plan to get the concession for a holy drive-in.

It will mean knocking down a few pillars.

Christ, that reminds me.

We've been at this meal all this time

and we haven't had grace. Oh. Grace?

May I? Oh, please.

The grace you say, I deny. And I deny the Pope.

Just what you do for a living?

That depends on what you call a living, brother.

How do guys like you make a living?

I am, man. I live.

I am walking through the cosmic harvest of time and death

and healing miracles with a common breath.

You what?

I make it a point never to repeat myself.

My breath is precious and so would yours be

if you only understood why you were on the Earth

in the first place.

I don't have to sit here and listen to this hippy bastard.

No, no.

The trouble with guys like you,

is that you've got too much time to think and do nothing.

You creeps do a hell of a lot more harm

than good with your brain.

And in the long run, you're out, out on your ass.

You hear what I said, Moses? Out on your ass!

I bet you've never seen a drive-in church.

Have you seen a hermit crab dance by the light of the moon?

Oh, gentlemen. Listen, freak!

I'm gonna have you excommunicated!

My God, I'm gonna kick your ass back to Kathmandu!

Oh, Kathmandu.

I have danced there under a full moon.

I have loved there under the full moon.

I would love to dance for all of you.

Especially for you. Oh.

You see, Mr. Chippendale,

it has always been my secret dream to be an actress.

Henry. Don't bother about this. This is how they're going.

Let me tell you about the invention.

The speed of light. My, you are a strong person.

That is the closest thing to being a goddess.

Aah, so with your permission?

Dance, mademoiselle, please, dance!

Fantastic.

Absolutely fascinating.

I love dancing, don't you, Monty?

My body is a work of art.

I want the world to see my body.

I have to show my body.

This is for you, Monty.

Nice.

Oh. You spoilt my motivation, you fool.

Oh, Monty. This was for you, darling.

For God sakes!

My God! My God!

You serve the devil.

It's not a bargain, you're not gonna get one lousy cent

for your stinking invention.

No, no, this is just a trick. Come to my laboratory.

Are you out of your mind?

You couldn't drag me there with a herd of elk.

Hey, tell me, magician. What have you here?

Your coffin, sir.

And I'm supposed to step inside

and you are going to cut me in two?

Exactly. And I allow you to become one again.

Aah!

Freeze. Nobody move.

Put those stupid guns down.

I haven't had so much fun in a long time.

What's my cue?

Very simple. Take three steps closer.

Three steps. Hold your breath.

Can't you perform this act some other night?

Oh, no, we can't postpone this fantastic spectacle now.

Now is the time of the burial.

This reminds me of my good old days with the Ku Klux Klan.

Monty darling, no, it may be dangerous, please.

Don't worry, don't worry. I'll be back.

Can't somebody stop him? Do something.

Oh, Lord, no. Oh, my God, no, ugh.

Oh.

Oh, my God! Chippy! Monty. Please stop.

And, voila.

Where is Parsifal?

You cannot hide from me.

Assassin.

You had these two hoodlums ambush me.

You will go to prison for this.

No, we never did anything like that.

The house is mine, the furniture. Everything.

Not my glasses. Oh, it's just a joke.

Your time is up, Parsifal.

He's giving a little party and wanted to borrow some clothes.

Oh, Monty. My darling. My precious baby.

Take it easy, oh, my little one.

I feel so worried about you.

I feel just like Lazarus rising from the dead.

Only I didn't have a chance to die.

Oh, Monty, thank God.

Stand ready, point those guns.

Till I get out of this goddamn house.

Now get out of here. These assholes aren't worth shooting.

Get your ass back in that chair before I stab you with my fork.

Elba. Don't pay attention to her.

You see, she's taking alcohol and penicillin. Don't mix.

Yeah, well, I don't give a damn if she takes DDT.

That woman is stark raving mad.

I'm getting out of here, good night.

Don't you dare get up till I tell you to.

Sit down.

Stark raving mad, you say?

A poor fool.

Not smart like you.

Not smart at all.

I want to change the world.

First class mind mold. The unequaled brainwasher.

You deal only with the big stuff.

So tell me, Mr. Board.

What happens with the small fry?

What happens with the small fry?

Ivan, what are you, crazy?

Are you crazy? What's wrong with you?

Clear everything out! I gathered.

Take Board, take Chippendale.

They're never gonna believe me

when I tell them I snuggled right up against you.

Oh, Chippy, I love you!

What're you doing with that? You don't need that.

Why don't you bark, you-?

Let go of me, you lousy cockroach.

Henry, There's been a big misunderstanding.

Katzenellenbogen. Yes?

There's something I forgot say.

Yes. Thank you.

Oh, wonderful. See, I knew, ugh!

Mackintosh. Take the carpets, take the rugs, take beds,

take the walls, take the dust, take everything.

But if you so much as lay a hand on that harp,

I'll kill you. That harp is sacred, like the rainbow.

But you would even take the rainbow into your van.

Oh, you can keep it. Great rabbi burns.

What would we want the broken harp.

That's nothing to me infantry. Come on, ladies. Speed it up.

What do you thinking you're doing there? Come on, move it.

Very good for you. Come and see.

The man says it is very important. Come.

Hello? Yes. This is Parsifal Katzenellenbogen, yes.

Mr. Klingsor. Klingsor. Oh, Mr. Klingsor.

How are you, Klingsor? Very good. You got the brochure?

Heh, yes, I think it would be wonderful for you. Wonderful.

You'd like a demonstration? Tonight would be wonderful.

Yes, exactly. Please, I'm delighted.

Mr. Klingsor, yes. Yes, 11:00 precisely.

You'll come to the house. The address is on the brochure.

Yes. Thank you, sir. Klingsor. Good day.

I mean, good night. See you at 11:00 precisely.

Thank you, sir.

Why don't you look on the funny side of things?

Funny side?

That was the worst evening I've spent in my life.

Look at this mess. "Funny side."

I'm gonna check on the Vatican deal.

Tony claims to have an inside contact

with the Pope's masseur.

Henry, that's sacrilegious.

It's business, Chip.

Besides, my deal would do more for the papal revenue

than anything since the... Hello?

Inquisition?

Hello, can we talk? Good.

What's the latest?

Uh huh.

Uh-huh.

Yes? Just a minute.

There's a fellow called Methuselah

and he ain't got much time.

I gotta go.

You tell the Pope's masseur to keep rubbing it in.

You won't go unrewarded.

Yeah? Hey, slow down. Slow down!

Okay, so it's urgent. All right.

Uh-huh.

What, when? Are you sure?

You better not be joking, Methuselah,

or you're gonna find yourself

pedaling up shit creek without a canoe.

Turn around. Turn around, sir?

Yeah, back to Katzen's magician gang.

Step on it! Yes, sir.

P.F. Klingsor is hot over that invention

controlled by our friend in that loony bin back there.

And Klingsor's no dope.

If he wants it, I want it too but only, I want it first.

Klingsor is coming. Klingsor?

Yeah, Klingsor. Well, that's different matter.

Hold everything, ladies. Hold everything!

I want everything back in the position it was before.

Understand? I understood.

Achtung! Henry Board II is back.

Parsifal, how are you?

I guess you didn't expect to see me back so soon.

No, I didn't.

You know what, it seems that during tonight's hullabaloo,

I dropped my address book somewhere.

And as you can imagine, it's very important to me.

Full of important names and numbers.

Well...

What do you know? I must've put it in the wrong pocket.

That was really quite a party you threw tonight, you know?

Really something to write about to the folks back home.

And, uh, Beer Bottle over here's a terrific butler.

Nice household too. Thank you.

Yes. Well, I guess I best be on my way.

Thank you. Au revoir.

Oh, by the way.

Good luck with that invention of yours, what do you call it?

The Rudevitch multiline sky printer?

Uh, wish I could help you with it but, um...

Sorry, love.

It's not exactly what I'm looking for.

I've got a whole new campaign laid out for LiViTs, you know?

Yeah. Your thing just doesn't fit in.

I understand. I understand.

I mean, I'd be really happy to take a look at it,

at anytime. Oh. Hmm.

Give you some numbers, put a contact.

Wonderful. In fact, since I'm here,

why not, I'll take a look at it right now?

If it could help you, I mean.

Oh, well.

Sit.

Oh my. We're going to the roof.

It's up here somewhere.

Well, well. Well.

Well. Well.

I like you, Katzenellenbogen.

And I feel kind of bad about some of the things I said.

Aw, don't feel bad. Yeah, some of the things I did.

No, nothing you did was bad.

No, I made up my mind.

When I want something, I get it.

That is, when I wanna help someone, nothing can stop me.

No, just like your father.

You know my father? Oh, yes.

Fine man. Yeah.

He liked you a lot, he told me.

Oh, yeah. And my mother.

Sweet woman. Sweet woman. Yes.

What would you say to $5000

for the exclusive rights to this whatchamacallit?

Consider it a gift from me, my mom and dad, huh?

What am I saying? Stupid of me. 5000.

Sorry. 25. $25,000 for this gimmick.

Eh, you like that, huh?

Twenty five. Mm-hm.

All right. What the hell?

Okay, okay, make a round sum of 50,000.

You like that? 50,000. 50,000? Oh.

I break out in a sweat. I think my pulse is gone.

I don't feel too good, I think I'm sick.

What, 50,000 makes you sick?

How do I get my hand out of this thing?

Well, I have to think about it.

Why don't we talk about it tomorrow?

No. I mean, we can draw up a little sales agreement

right now between you and me, quietly up here, sign it, huh?

I can't do that. Today's Holy Friday.

What? I never heard of such a thing.

Well, you know, Holy Thursday,

which comes after Holy Wednesday.

That's a three day weekend, not counting the bank holiday.

You see, I can't work on those days and another thing too,

some people are gonna come take a look at my machine

and I can't make a deal before I discuss it with them.

100,000. Uh, $100,000?

Heh, that's a lot of money. $100,000.

Uh. Well, I have to think on it.

You agree? Well,I don't disagree.

Hmm. 100,000.

You could draw up a paper now

and present it at the press conference tonight.

Good. My press people are on their way up here right now.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Wait a minute, get me out of here.

Ah, Mr. Chippendale, Yes.

as the TV spokesman for LiViTs,

I wonder, could you tell us something about

this new sky printing machine?

Uh, something concrete and maybe even intelligent?

Yes, of course, it's very, very big.

Actually, um, it's medium-size.

And to be honest with you, it's very, very small

and it was developed by Professor Rudevitch.

It's right here, Chippendale.

Aah. Where have you been?

Montague, my darling, we have been looking for you.

We thought you were away. Don't worry.

You don't mind if we take a couple of photographs.

A little publicity never hurt.

Come with me please. Get off me.

I put up all the money for this invention.

I have faith in it.

Faith, hope, and charity, as the great Rabbi Burns said.

And the greatest of these, Mackintosh.

Capital M-A-C-

Ah, ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your attention, please?

I would like to introduce to you Mr. Henry Board.

And Mr. Parsifal Katzenellenbogen.

Beersbohm, executive assistant to Mr. Katzenellenbogen.

Who is this? Who is this?

Who is that?

The man who will buy my invention.

Welcome.

Who is this? Me?

I am Henry Board II.

I am Klingsor, the 19th.

Overlord of an empire

stretching across national frontiers.

From flower-filled Herzegovina

to the far-flung lakeshore of Chicago.

Where, as you know,

there are only two seasons winter and August.

But whatever we are,

our smallest stride, our biggest thunderhead,

is 100 times more cunning

than this Scots fellow with his little skirt.

In 1000 years,

has anyone ever stolen anything from a gypsy?

And I, Klingsor, am king of the gypsies.

What's your business, Klingsor? What're you doing here?

The view.

This demonstration was scheduled for me.

The hell it is.

He arranged it for me.

Now, boys, don't fight.

Everybody's welcome.

Ah, look who's coming.

Rudevitch, the inventor. Co-inventor.

Come along, Rudevitch. Bring your bike.

Make way for Rudevitch.

The brake! He invented this bike too.

Stop it, heh.

Come along, Rudevitch, we're late.

We're late.

You don't stand a chance, Klingsor the 19th.

Contract's right here. This thing works, I'm buying it.

The world's gonna get my message.

I don't see Katzenellenbogen's signature

on this piece of paper.

I tell you, Board, my dear fellow,

what the world will see is my signature

up there.

Program ready for execution.

Einstein's theory of relationships

is based on a simple premise.

That light travels in one direction

and other light travels in the other direction.

Now, somewhere along the line, ergo, they meet.

Now the Sky printer uses that as the basis for its-

Thirty seconds. Ah, Rudevitch is here.

He knows more about it than I do. Excuse me.

What? What? 30 seconds.

The power from the lasers must warm up a little more, no?

No LiViTs tonight.

Fifteen seconds. Fifteen seconds.

Temperature, 40 degrees centigrade,

slight wind from the Northwest.

Program canceled. Program canceled.

Ready for programming.

This is it.

A real leap here in retrospect.

Jesus!

That's fantastic.

That's another.

What's this? One million. Sign.

Chicken feed. I'll show you.

Two million. Sign.

Uh, wait a minute, laddy.

This is no time for a slinky, timorous beasty.

That's Rabbi Burns, you know.

Make yourself to be doing business

with two man-eating sharks like them.

Let me negotiate this for you.

For a small percent.

How much? Uh, let's say 10 percent.

Say five percent. It's five percent.

Three million.

Four million, Katzenellenbogen. Four million, my final offer.

Uh, wait. Financial advisor.

Five million.

"Master your fate." What the hell is that?

What?

"Master your fate." No, that's master your fatty.

Fatty.

You lowdown son of a bitch. No, that's-

You two-timing, scheming weasel, that is not my slogan.

No, it's only-

I'm gonna see you cats.

I'm gonna strip you down to your socks.

This man- Come here.

You dimwit.

Don't you understand, the man's a genius.

That's love.

You're letting the Pope off the hook.

What?

It's love,

don't you understand? Love.

And don't forget my 10 percent.

Five. Seven point five?

He doesn't remember. They will remember.

Thank you. Don't forget my 5 percent.

Oh, you old son of a bitch.

I'll be damned.

Did you sign my contract? I did, indeed.

Not yours though.

Henry Board Two, I don't like you very much.

I didn't like you the minute you walked into my house.

But what I really don't like about you is that suit.

Tacky. Excuse me.

Chip and fish, heh. Chippendale.

You fool. You crazy.

I would've gone to 10. To 10 million.

And you would've been right.

You hear me? 10 million dollars.

Herr Doktor, remember your words.

This time the little fishes will eat the big fishes.

This time we is the big fishes.

Thank you.