Original subtitles

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Help me! Help me!

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Kick him into juice!

I said the jewels, you overgrown ape!

That boy of yours is going down, Uncle Jude!

I wouldn't mind seeing him go down on a certain young

lovely.

Thank you. I didn't know you were into watching.

Not you, cyber-jogs! I'm at me!

Is that all you girls think about?

Rip off your shorts, Randy. Let's see what he's

really packing.

My interest is purely scientific.

I hear steroids concern a man's gonads into a pair of

acorns.

Let's go away, Bob Mark!

Bob? What the hell's going on?

I don't know, Captain. I'm working on it.

We'll work harder. This is pay-per-view.

Are you kidding? You're pirating the signal from a

beam off Darth Bobo's ship.

Yeah, well, someone's paying for it.

I didn't know there was a dimmer on that thing.

Oh, this lighting makes us all look ten years younger.

Well, almost all of us.

- Figure out the problem, Captain. - Well?

It's you. You didn't buy gas for the ship.

Ridiculous. Everyone knows you can go at least four

light-years on E.

It's when the sensor goes off that your ass is cooked.

How would you like your ass? Sauteed, baked, or fried?

We're on critical reserve.

How critical? Put it this way.

We've barely got enough juice to power that freaking

warning beep.

All right, people. I'm going to make an executive

decision here.

Bob, pull us over to the next service station.

Duh.

We're running on fumes, Captain. The closest station

is a half-light-year away.

Oh, I know one. It has a delightful men's room with

this clever little hole inside all the stalls.

Pull up the mat, Bob. There's got to be something

closer by.

What are you talking about, Bob? There's a fueling

station five minutes away.

See here? B-17.

What's wrong? Is my dingle dangling out of my fly?

What fly? You don't even wear pants, P-brain.

In order to get there, we have to pass through the Bermuda

Quadrant.

Where did that come from?

It's one of the themes I programmed into my auto

voice bank.

It's triggered only when someone says Bermuda Quadrant.

Captain, that area is the most dangerous stretch in

the universe.

For centuries, legend has it that ships have mysteriously

disappeared in this area,

never to be heard from again.

It's true. Those foolish enough to ignore the warning

vanish from the galaxy

faster than Jodie Foster's film career.

It's a known fact that that stretch of space is

cursed.

I'd like to curse that stretch of space between all

your ears.

We're going in there, aren't we?

Barb, set course through the Bermuda Quadrant.

Will you knock that off?

We're all gonna die.

Why, can't you hear me?

Can you call me the drama queen?

You are!

Well...

The ship's hull can't take much more of this.

Just hang on. We'll get through this storm.

Oh, you've become another casualty.

Don't say it.

Don't say what? The Bermuda Quadrant?

I think it's passed.

See? Nothing to worry about.

Now we're just floating on air.

Literally. We're out of fuel.

[screaming]

I guess it's true. In space, no one can hear you

scream.

Okay, okay. Nobody panic.

We'll just call the AAA and get towed to the station.

That would be good if you remembered to pay your bill.

What?

You're really going to pay?

You really should pay that AAA renewal.

Hey, look! We might already be a winner.

Okay, we'll just have to improvise.

Bob, start sending out distress flares to ships in

the area.

With all due respect, Captain, we're floating adrift

in no man's land.

It could be a hundred years before another idiot

decides to pass through here.

It's all useless! Useless, I tell you!

There's a ship?

I never lost hope.

All better now.

Huh? Who's the idiot now? Don't answer that.

I suppose you're going to want me to go outside and

start waving a handkerchief to get them to pull over.

Any times are desperate. Wave your crotchless panties.

Oh my God. It's a ghost ship.

Put a sock in it, Mary Jane.

Captain, I just did a scan of that ship.

Although it's got power, there's absolutely no signs

of life aboard, which technically makes it a ghost

ship.

I told you!

I'm not buying into any of this superstitious crapola!

Bob, hail the other Captain and put him on the screen.

In a second, Captain. I just have to throw some salt

over my left shoulder.

Okay, just tapped into their video link. Here you go.

Well, I guess it's true what they say. Coffee can

kill you.

What do you have? Ice water in your veins? Can't you

see the tin fairies been right all along? That's a

ghost ship!

I feel insulted, yet oddly flattered at the same time.

Yeah, fine. It's a ghost ship. We'll drift up to its

siphon, the fuel will be on our way.

Unless you want to stay here, floating through space

until we run out of sustenance and end up eating one

another like the Donner party.

Mmm. I got dibs on a whip.

Oops, pardon me. Oops, pardon me again.

One more time and we'll be engaged.

Stop!

Hold on. I'm walking us in now.

You getting all this, Six?

Roger that, Chode. Proceed with caution.

[music]

[screams]

You all right?

I'm okay, Six. Just tripped over the hatch.

Hmm. Place appears completely empty. Void of any life.

Chode, something is right behind you.

[gasps]

Oh, that's just a nuke. It's been quite a while since

she shaved her legs.

Ah, place looks like it hadn't been inhabited in

years.

Cleaning comps by nerves.

Let's move, people.

Take it slow, Chode.

As soon as we find the ship's fuel depot and get out

of here, the better.

Oh, now you're a gentleman?

Now let's face it, I'm irreplaceable. But if

something happened to you, well, we're just down one

big, ugly, uh, whatever the hell you are.

Oh, that really made me want to go ahead of you. Not!

[grunts]

Oh, Uncle Chode, where did all these spider webs come

from?

I mean, we're on an abandoned ship in the middle of

space.

Good question, kiddo. Remind me to Google it when we

get home.

[laughs]

Chode, help me.

[grunts]

What are you doing?

I was hurry. I thought the moment needed something.

Whoa, Mama, you can't believe what I found.

Six, I think we found the fuel depot.

[laughs]

Chode, I've lost visual contact. What's going on?

[laughs]

You won't believe this, Six.

This isn't the fuel depot.

What the hell with the fuel? Let's grab the gold.

[screams]

Uh-oh, that can't be good.

The door to the cargo hold is locked shut. You mean

we're trapped?

It's the gold. You never should have touched the gold.

That's ridiculous. I'm sure the gold has nothing to

do with this.

You might want to rethink that.

[tires squeal]

You think they could have put those signs outside the

room?

[humming]

Get relaxed. I'll just get Six to beam us back aboard

with the gold.

You getting all this, Six?

Bob said it can't be done. The transporter beams are

jammed.

What do you mean the transporter beams are jammed?

Try them again.

It's no use, Chode. There's nothing we can--

Six?

Chode?

Can you hear me?

Now can you hear me?

Now can you hear me?

The line's dead, and we're going to be dead, too.

Look, now's not the time to panic.

Still not time. All we need to do is come up with a

game plan.

In case you haven't noticed, we're trapped aboard a

ghost ship.

We've lost all communications,

and I believe someone very close to me has soiled

herself.

Whoever smelt it, deltak!

Okay, let's just split up and try to find a way out

of here.

But, Uncle Chode, whenever they do that in the horror

movies, everyone ends up dead.

That's the movies. This is real life!

[groaning]

Oh.

Bob, this is useless. The comlink signal is

completely dead.

I guess that'll teach Chode for signing up for a two-year

agreement

with that fly-by-night communicator outlet.

There's got to be something we can do.

Why don't you say the two of us get a little more

acquainted.

Pour yourself a little more low and let your hair

down.

Bob, we've been over this before. We're just friends.

Yeah, well, friends don't let friends dry hump.

That's drive drunk.

Whatever. What's a little pity sex between friends?

Bob, I need you to call the database and show me

everything you can on the USS El Dorado.

And then we can do the horizontal mambo?

All right, all right. Here it comes.

The curse of the El Dorado harkens back to the

greatest disasters of all time,

including Titanic, Apollo 13, and Gile.

Lost in the Bermuda Quadrant, the entire crew went

mad.

Some say because the pirated stash of gold was cursed.

Trapped aboard, the men of the El Dorado were forced

to face their greatest fears,

causing them each to lose their minds.

My greatest fear is to spend the rest of my life

being associated with a character

I played for just three friggin' seasons.

They forget I'm the one who directed three men and a

baby.

The point is, the building paranoia drove the crew of

the El Dorado to kill one another.

Did you hear that, Bob?

Yeah, I'm not crying for him. The guy's been pissing

him on in the same story all the way to the bank.

No, I mean about the ghost ship.

Chode and the others are going to face their worst

fears, which will drive them all mad.

They'll end up the same way as the crew of the El Dorado.

All right. That really sucks.

Jeez, it's freezing in here.

That's better.

Maybe this day's getting better after all.

They're ginormous!

Oh my god!

Help! Help!

Huh?

How bizarre! But I'm willing to go with it.

I'm starved.

Huh?

You're making a big mistake! No one likes to eat me!

Hello, handsome.

Are you a crew member?

You could say I'm a private.

Take off that ratty old fur coat and show yourself.

It's a giant vagina! A giant!

Leave me!

Sex, this is a suicide mission. There's no guarantee

you'll be able to get them out.

Well, I've got to try.

I understand. Hey, while you're gone, you mind if I

reorganize your underwear drawer?

That's better.

Hey, you're making a big mistake.

I'm willing to go with it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

I'm not sure I'm going to make it.

It's time I corrected you.

Oh my God.

I still think about you bending me over your desk

and spanking me with that ruler.

You know, now I gotta pay hookers to do it.

Come on, Miss Maxwell.

You'll give it any good for old times' sake.

Six?

Can anybody hear me?

Can anybody hear me?

I'm old and hideous.

That's what I've always feared.

You're a cyborg, Six.

You can't age.

You're going to be a hot piece of ass forever.

Oh, that's right.

That's the key.

Once you confront your fears, the curse is broken.

You mean, that's the way we get out of here?

All we have to do is face the thing that frightens us

the most?

It's terrifying, I'm telling you.

You've got to save me.

It's not that scary, Gus.

Just be nice, and she'll be nice to you.

Go on.

Nice, Kitty.

See how easy?

We forgot to say you're a lizard.

Why are you running away from them?

Because they're so big and there's so many of them.

Just remember, the bigger they are, the better they

taste.

Are you sure?

Mm-mm.

Who's next?

I still got room for dessert.

You got quite a six-pack there, handsome.

I noticed you're not wearing a wedding ring.

Are you single?

Well then, come to the drama!

Wow, Tanook. You figured it out all by yourself.

What are you talking about?

In order to escape the curse, you have to face your

worst fear.

Ah, whatever.

Still, I wished I had time to give him my number.

Too long.

It's unlisted.

Can we please just get out of here?

Call me.

It won't bud, Jungle Chod.

If only we had some Crisco or Missola.

To grease the door?

Oh yeah, for that too.

This doesn't make sense.

By confronting our fears, the door should open.

Well, maybe not. Everyone confronted their fears.

Huh? Yeah, well, that's because I don't have any

fears.

Get away from me, you freak.

That'll teach him I kicked the green bastard in his

unlucky charms.

Chod, that's why the door won't open.

You haven't faced your worst fear yet.

Oh yeah? And what's that?

Losing the gold.

That's ridiculous.

Oh really?

Get away! It's mine, I tell ya.

It's all mine.

Well, looks like we figured out that unsolved mystery.

Hey, I may be shallow, but I'm not that shallow.

There's no way my greatest fear is not giving up this

measly gold.

Just give it a try and see what happens.

See? No gold. Not me.

Chod.

Fine.

[Grunting]

Chod.

Oh, all right.

[Grunting]

Chod, are you going to come?

Let me try something first. With the door open, I'm

gonna try tossing the bags of gold over to you.

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

That's... OK, OK, OK. Keep your stinkin' gold.

Yeah, that's it, Six. Suck harder.

They'll be shy. Go at that thing like it's your last

meal.

[Grunting]

Go stop now. You're almost there.

[Grunting]

When you get tired, let me know.

We should get to a gas station as fast as possible.

Yeah, and this time, let's steer clear of the Bermuda

Quadrant.

[Grunts]

(upbeat music)