Original subtitles

This program is intended for mature audiences

parental discretion is advised

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

Move it you lucky losers! These morons are killing me!

I'm never gonna make it!

What may I do? Is the big hurry?

[Groans]

It's lap dance Tuesday at McHooters!

Well, that's worth causing another accident.

If I fruit cake in five more minutes, drink some full

price!

And that's worth an accident Bob! Can you get around

this mess?

[Growls]

[Groans]

Don't hit me daddy!

Instead of sleeping on the job, get us the hell out

of this!

Yes sir, I'm on it! As soon as I finish shaving.

[Sizzling]

Now!

[Music]

Dr. Fuehl says that the reason Vulcans drink so much

is because they have so much trouble dealing with

their emotions.

That's for sure! I screwed up Vulcan once on Mount Soya.

Afterwards he cried his eyes out.

Maybe it was because he finally saw you in daylight.

[Grunts]

[Growls]

Hey, watch it Bob!

They're losing all their cargo. Maybe we should stop

and help.

Yeah, help ourselves Bob!

Lock on the tractor beam and load those babies on

board.

[Growls]

Oh, hi.

Now what are you doing?

[Growls]

Brushin' my teeth.

You don't have teeth! You're a spaceship!

There's no need to be hurtful.

[Groans]

[Music]

Chode, this is taking advantage of other people's

misfortune.

[Laughs]

I know! Ain't it great?

Let's rip these bad boys open and see what we want.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Gunfire]

Huh?

G.Y. Jelly? What the hell is that?

[Grunts]

Mindy, is it toothpaste?

Actually, it's a water-based lubricant used in the

active intercourse by male homosexuals.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

Well, first you put a quarter-sized dollop in the

palm of your hand.

I'm guessing, of course.

Yeah, right. Speaking of guessing, how much would you

guess this stuff sells for?

25 Cronix, two. But a tube only lasts you four hours

and 17 minutes.

After that, you're down to spit in a prayer.

Or so the article I read in Consumer Info said.

I have just the place for this stuff.

I know. I just told you.

No, no, not there. There's this all-gay planet I once

heard about.

It's called, I think, Fabulous Heaven.

Fabulous Heaven? Boy, does that bring back memories.

You've been there, Bob.

I experimented in college. I'd rather not talk about

it.

People were sitting on a fortune.

No, I just got goosebumps.

Bob, set a course for Fabulous Heaven.

Oh, go the back way. It's faster.

This is the best decorated planet I've ever seen.

Whoa! Girl on girl! Nobody loses there!

Cho, they're lesbians. They're not doing it for you.

That's what they think.

What's the plan?

Those softball girls are undressing with their eyes.

Yeah, Whip is standing at the ready to beam the

shipment down once we sell this stuff.

Who will whip all alone on the ship?

What do you think he's doing now? His homework,

saying his prayers?

Yes!

No!

No!

These heterosexuals are abominations in the eyes of

the Lord.

They say they were born that way.

I say it's a choice, a sick, twisted choice.

They say they're straight. I say they are going

straight to hell.

What's in his business, who I point?

It's just flat-out heterophobia.

It gets worse.

According to this newspaper, 18 provinces on this

planet have passed antistraic marriage laws,

and they're planning a platyquite constitutional

amendment to ban opposite-sex couples from marrying.

Now where do the kids come from? A test tube?

Oh, then you read the article already.

You mean that's for real?

Children created in a lab.

Oh, what a brave new world.

You know, I never had children because I was afraid I'd

lose my figure.

Oh, I just thought it was because you were an

incredible eyesore

and didn't want to pass your ugly genes onto some

poor kid.

Why do I talk to you?

Bad news. Those gay guys over there just told me the

governor must approve all imports to the planet,

and that he only deals with gay-owned businesses.

Anything else?

Yeah, they also said I need to tone down my look. It's

way too slutty.

And there's no such thing as a woman looking too slutty.

What kind of mixed-up planet is this?

The kind we'd better pass as gay on if we want to

make any money.

Hey, look at this. Governor McJersey's annual backroom

ball tonight. Come one, come all.

Well, that sounds friendly.

That's where we can meet the governor and make a sale.

But we aren't gay.

They don't know that. We'll just guss it out.

Are you implying that I'm gay? You take that back or

I will bitch-slap you from here to Liza Minnelli's

house.

I rest my gaze.

Oh, for God's sake, get out here.

Geez, these shorts are so tight, they're cutting off

the circulation of my meatballs.

Oh, that's better.

Okay, let's go to the ball and get this over with.

To make my S&M get-up look realistic, I really should

have you on a leash.

Try it.

[music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

Hey, baby, who wants a free ride on the purple pony?

You're gay, remember? You gotta get to the governor,

make your sale, and get us out of here.

She's right. Just so everyone knows, if I have to, I'll

make the ultimate sacrifice and take one for the team.

Well, I should have.

I would go so far as to take two for the team.

Nobody says you have to.

But three is my limit.

Get a grip, Louise. I just need you to stay with me

and pretend we're a couple, period.

Now let's go.

Hey, there's Governor McJersey over there!

Remember, let me do all the talk. Gus. Gus?

How do you get abs of steel like this?

Well, it helps if there's steel to start with.

[laughter]

Welcome. I'm Governor McJersey, and you are?

Jude. Hey, so, Governor, are your balls always this

big?

Well, aren't you with a little flirt?

No, no.

See, what I meant was, let's see, I'm here as a gay

business owner, and make you a proposition under the

table.

You don't give up, do you?

No, no, no. You don't understand. I got GY jelly.

Hundreds of tubes of GY jelly.

Sorry, I'm not 19 anymore. I could never keep up with

you. But maybe Rob and Bob here could.

No!

[screams]

[screams]

What's going on?

Don't ask. I just need a little hetero sex to wash

the gay off, and I need it now.

My God. Are you telling me you can't be in a room of

gay men for 15 minutes without having your

masculinity threatened?

15? Try five. It took me 10 to find you.

Chum.

You are so hot.

Oh, thank you.

Almost as hot as all those lesbians I see in my head

right now.

Maybe it's better we just do it and don't talk.

Freeze! What you're doing is wrong.

I know I could make it right. How about you two hotties

join us?

Fat chance, sicko.

Don't you know hetero sexual sex is punishable by

death on this planet?

It is? Really? Oh, don't tell me you're a woman,

fella. I had no idea.

And it's a mistake. Excuse me.

The only place you're going is jail. Now move!

Is what was going on in there what I think was going

on in there?

Yeah, these two straights were going at it like

animals. It was disgusting.

I knew there was something not right about you.

Now I'm going to make an example of you. Take them

away.

Remember this, come election time next year.

Step aside, men. I'm going to conduct the interrogation

of this hetero sex vene myself.

You're an abomination.

I was just helping to find a car keys. I swear, I

thought you maybe dropped them in her hoo-hoo.

Ass six. She'll tell you. Where is she anyway?

She's a cyborg so we let her go. But you're facing

death row.

I only did what came natural to me.

Nothing could be more unnatural. A man and a woman

together. Eww.

Come on. Nobody's that gay. Did you get a look at her?

She did have a nice figure.

Nice figure? Is that all you can say? What about

those giant gizangas, those big juicy boobaroonies?

The kind you just want to stick your head in between

her, you stick your hand in your mouth.

Enough!

Darts, I need some alone time with this prisoner.

If you think I'm going to have sex with you to save

my life, well, you're absolutely right.

But please, be gentle. I've never done anything like

this before.

Unless you can have those two years in the Navy or

that summer in the old boys' camp.

Oh, you had that time with the football team? We were

all pretty drunk.

All right, all right. Relax. I don't want to have sex

with you.

That's a... Hey. You think you're too good for me? I

work out.

You could bounce a quarter off my ass.

It's too late to pretend you're gay in order to save

your life.

But just for the record, what exactly do you heterosickos

do when you're having sex?

Okay, imagine two beautiful long hairless legs

wrapped around you in a big pair of Nakeruski staring

you right in the pus.

Keep going, keep going. Then you start pumping away,

so you know, she starts going crazy because she's lovin'

it.

Her nails are scratching her initials in your back

and every...

Whoa, wait a minute. Somebody just pitched a pup-tet

in their front yard.

Hey, you're getting off on this.

No, of course not.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Okay, maybe I've fantasized, but I would never opt on

it.

Besides, what if my same-sex parents found out it'd

kill 'em?

Well, too bad. I could have made that fantasy a

reality.

Really?

How would you do it without anyone finding out?

Especially my stay-at-home husband, Larry.

Well, what if I got six to come to your room and make

that wet dream of yours come true?

So, um, what would it cost me?

You bought the 10,000 tubes of G.Y. Jelly off me and

I blow town, so to speak.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God, God, God, God, God, God, God.

Maybe I should just give up.

Kid, take my advice. Don't give up. It's worth it.

I've tried everything.

Everything but the laser can opener in the ship's galley.

How do you know it'll work?

That's what I always use when shown's not here.

Thanks, Bob.

Oh, and, kid, when you're in the kitchen, grab a

knife.

A lot of the pages are stuck together.

[music]

[door opens]

Hi.

I hear you want to do a little...

...experimenting.

Uh-huh.

[music]

Yes!

[music]

Not bad for a homosexual.

Are you sure deep down you're not playing for our

team?

Oh, my God, what have I done?

I'm a freak, a pervert. Why'd I do it?

Calm down. We're not hurting anybody.

There's no shame in what we did.

I'll have to remember that when I'm burning in hell.

What do I do now?

Maybe I can get electro shock therapy or go to one of

those crazy D programmers.

Oh, who am I kidding? Girls like you are always gonna

give me wood.

Let's face it. You're living a lie.

It's time for you to come out of the closet and

accept yourself for who you are.

I guess I could do that.

Of course you could.

It'll be a lifetime of persecution and discrimination

filled with whispers,

rejection and constant ridicule on late night talk

shows and sci-fi animated series.

But I just know you're tough enough to take it.

No, I'm not. I'm really not.

Hmm. Yeah, that's it.

What?

Plan B. I could just keep this whole thing a secret

and have you and Chou executed

and go back to my nice comfy lie of a life.

I thought you didn't kill cyborgs on this planet.

That's true. Unless there's some hetero-hobbies bound

to shoot her mouth off.

Speaking of shooting, it'll take a couple of minutes

for them to get here.

You wouldn't happen to be up for a quickie, would you?

[music]

[music]

God did not make Adam an Eve. He made Adam an Steve.

[music]

It's the sand, not the center. And I'm also not too

crazy about those hideous polyester pants.

Yes, it's a fabulous day for a double execution.

The sun is glistening off the gate and anybody who's

anybody is here.

[cheering]

Oh, I think that's the condemned now.

You know, I know this is going to sound like a

stereotype,

but damn these guys really know how to throw apart.

Could you believe that last meal? Lobster risotto.

Wow, I keep making myself belch just to taste it

again.

[burping]

[music]

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I'm too

young and too good looking. I don't want to die.

Good looking. Apparently there were no mirrors in his

cell.

I hate to say it, but we gotta do something.

How about Kashi and Arfora 1K's and Biacondo? He's a

lovely one near the bars with a pool and a gym.

Put that down, you tin fairy, and help me think.

[cheering]

That governor is such a clause of heterosexual. Just

look at the way he's staring at six with those...

...man eyes.

Man eyes? You've just given me an idea.

[panting]

I need you to open Chou's secret porno stash and beam

it down to us.

I'll trust you not to open your eyes and look at it.

Not that I even need to say that.

Of course not. Consider it done, tinook.

[music]

Don't worry, I didn't peek, signed with. What a dear,

sweet, innocent boy.

Innocent my ass. He didn't even ask for a combination.

Kill all breeders! Kill!

Why do they hate us so much? Just because of what we

do in the bedroom?

And the closet?

In the matter transmitter?

On the tractor beam console?

Next to the ripcord?

Dye the soda machine?

On the John?

On the John?

Oh, I guess I was by myself.

Let's face it, people are afraid of what they don't

understand.

[music]

We're here today to send a message to the straight

minority that straight sex is not going to be tolerated

on this planet.

But before our heads roll and our planet is again

free of perversion, I'd like to say a few words I've

prepared.

I can't find my speech. I just had it a minute ago.

Here it is.

Thank you.

It is on this festive occasion, I want to remind us

all of the sanctity of the love between a woman and a

woman, or a man and a woman.

I mean a man and a man.

Whoa, would you look at the fun bags on this bag?

Whoa!

He's straight!

The governor is straight!

No, it's not true!

Oh yeah, then what's the idea, Pat?

Straight boy.

[crowd cheering]

Yes, it's true. I'm straight. I can't live this life

any longer.

When it wasn't a choice, I was born this way. As a

little boy, I knew I was different, sneaking a peek

down girls' blouses.

You have no idea of the secret shame, but no more.

Today, I stand here proud of who I am. Don't hate me

because I have a weakness for the opposite sex.

Am I not still your governor, your leader, your

friend?

So, what do you say?

Get him, girl!

[crowd cheering]

Let's get out of here!

Now, when--

Governor McJersey was almost stoned to death today by

an angry mob of gay men.

But since all the men here throw like girls, it

seemed like he was going to get away with only a few

minor scratches

until the women's softball team showed up and

finished the job.

Way to go, Bulls. In other news.

Well, that's the end of that.

Yeah, except I'm still stuck with 10,000 tubes of

butt grease.

It just so happens I did some creative repackaging

and some test marketing.

You're going to try to pass off a gay men's lubricant

as lip gloss?

Gross.

Who would ever be that stupid?

Gus, this stuff is fabulous! My lips are as soft and

smooth as a baby's behind and taste minty fresh.

Put me down for a case.

Okay, Bob, set a course for Tanook's whole planet,

Mad Cal Six.

We got a whole lot of lips to lose.

Hey, Mad Cal Six? That's an insult to my entire

planet!

Tanook's right. Didn't you learn anything about tolerating

people that are different from you?

You know full well Tanook's planet is not called Mad

Cal Six.

Nah, you're right. That was cruel.

Bob, set a course for the planet, Moo, where the foul-breathed,

conchewing beasts with their swollen milk bellies

live.

[screaming]

On the next Tripping the Rift.

You bought a vibrator?

Please.

It's a neck massager.

Well then Tanook needs an anatomy lesson because she's

been confused in her neck with her.

Tripping the Rift. Next Wednesday at 10, part of the

all-new Sci-Fi Wednesday.

[music]