Original subtitles

This program is intended for mature audiences.

Parental discretion is advised.

Does anybody really care that they cancel that prize?

Is that the prize?

Whip! Those chores were supposed to be done yesterday!

I'm working!

Moth the deck, jettison the trash, trim the bushes.

Those guys who regret treating me like a slave. What

am I, somebody?

[music playing]

My dear, I'm sorry, but you did ask me to...

Your brain's out.

Serving number 13. Let's make that 13 and 14.

Whip! Whip!

Get back to work, you lazy loafer. I need my toenails

clipped.

What, you look at me?

I think the colored water brings out the blue in your

warts.

You really think so?

Nice try, you useless teenage slacker.

If you can't do this right, how in hell do you expect

to make something of yourself?

Whip, your room is an absolute wreck.

When was the last time you did your laundry?

Your underwear has more crap on it than a proctologist's

cufflinks.

What's got your panties in a bunch?

This boy's room is a nauseating mix of bodily excretions

and rotting food.

And what's particularly upsetting is I'm having

trouble differentiating between the two.

I should not have to put up with this. I am not his

maid.

Then maybe you shouldn't dress like that.

Oh sure, blame the victim.

I realize that working on this ship means I have to

put up with a lot of childishness.

But turning a blind eye to this is beyond the call of

duty.

Childishness? Where are you getting that?

She said duty.

I can't believe I almost missed that one.

Which one of you adolescents planted the spy cam in

my shower head?

In my diff- did you say shower head?

Yes.

Well, me. Mine's in the drain so I can get an upshot

of the old Batcave.

Whip, I am shocked.

This woman is not a toy put on this ship for our

sexual entertainment.

She was put here for my sexual entertainment.

You got some nerve sneaking a free peek at my ladies'

knocker doodles.

You know I charge for that kind of thing. Where's

your integrity?

Thanks for sticking up for me.

Don't mention it. That's all well and good, but we

have yet to solve the whip problem.

Still in the room.

He won't. There was work.

They're menial tasks.

His head is constantly in the clouds.

I'd call him a daydreamer, but that would exclude the

large portion of evening hours he's dawdling.

And when he's not daydreaming, he's usually playing

video games.

Something has to be done.

Have you taken a look at his role models lately?

Jeez, cut the kids some slack, will ya?

Whip!

Picking pepperoni off a man's pizza?

You crossed the line this time.

I wish you guys had stopped treating me like I'm a

little kid.

Get up! Go to your room, you're grounded.

Oh, is it time out? I don't know, whatever. Just get

out of my sight.

Someday you wish you never treated me like this.

I don't always play video games.

This game is for freakin' five-year-olds.

I need something with more power.

Maybe Chode's got some cool games hidden on the mainframe.

Hey, hey, hey, slow down! Just 'cause everyone else

pissed in your crunchberries doesn't mean you can

take it out on...

Would you like to play a game?

A flight simulator? Cool!

Hey, Danuck! Didn't I tell you no more talking on

your cell phone while you're driving?

I wasn't! I got a kayak back.

Wait a minute, there's something wrong!

Someone has taken over the ship. I can't access the

controls.

These realistic effects rock!

It's Whip, the little bastard hacked into me.

Chode, Whip's in the mainframe.

Whip's in chain six. This is no time to get free.

Whip is in the mainframe.

Well then stop talking about S&M and let me do

something about it.

Let's see what this baby can do. Rift factor eight.

Whoooo!

Whoa!

Stop! You're in control of the ship!

Hey, what's going on?

What are you doing? You're gonna cause me a life!

Yeah, and you just about cost us all of our lives.

You weren't controlling the game, you weren't

controlling the ship, you lame-ass.

Wow, if that ain't the Scientologist calling the Hare

Krishna a weirdo.

What are you talking about?

Thanks to you, the ship is now completely out of

control and we're sort of headed right for that

planet!

I unhooked the game.

No, you unhooked the game controller.

Aaaaaaah!

This is so coming out of his allowance, if he had an

allowance.

He's destroyed our ship.

I say we kill him and sell his kidneys on the black

market to cover the repair bill.

Why bother when Gus will do it for free?

It'll take days.

Once again, I'm forced to clean up after that teenage

tornado. We can skip the organ harvesting and just

kill him, can't we?

Freeze! Raise your various appendages. Now!

You picked the wrong planet to land on, buddy.

Hey, Ernie, can I kill him first? You got to do it

last time.

Sure. I don't see why not.

Hey, good news. I found a piece of the bumper. I

could bang this 10,000.

My God. Is it? Oh, holy crap, I don't believe it.

You, here on our planet.

Aaaaaah! It's him! Oh, it's him!

Take my picture with him. May I?

Sure.

Now me! Would you sign my phaser?

[laughing]

Why are all these girls going so crazy? I don't get

it.

My poor ears. I haven't heard high-pitched screaming

like this since the obstetrician gave my mother her

first look at me.

Shut up! The sooner Gus gets the shit fixed, the

better.

I can understand it if it was for me. I'm pretty hot,

but whip? He can't masturbate and chew gum at the

same time.

There's something suspicious about all this.

It's electric here, Mark. The king has declared a

planetary holiday, allowing people to show up in droves.

They seem to alternate between uncontrollable hysteria

and jaw-dropping awe as the hottest new star on the

planet passes.

What the hell's going on here? Whip a star?

His name's Whip? You heard it here first, ladies and

gentlemen. The lizard's name is Whip. Just look at

him.

Could you see the length of that tongue? We may have

to cut to a commercial so I can wring out my undies.

Yeah, you know, you got a little junk in your trunk.

You want to play army.

How do you play that?

I salute, and you blow the hell out of me.

Ladies and gentlemen, kings are off.

On behalf of the planet, Craven, I welcome you. Whip

my honor.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

No worries, dude. I'm fine.

Then let the feast begin.

Can we at least get some breadsticks here?

For your information, I'm a famous food critic and

you're losing stars faster than a block-hall.

Yeah, right. FYI, there's no reason to go out in

public like that. There is a vaccine for mad cow

disease.

Ha! I don't get it. Why him?

Maybe it's a lizard thing. I heard he's the only reptile

on the planet.

You never know what qualities are going to appeal to

the masses.

Yeah, but lazy and dumb?

If that's the case, you're the next big thing.

Would you like your friends to partake in the feast?

They may have whatever their hearts desire.

You're asking me?

Of course. You're bigger than Jesus.

But not the Beatles.

Me? Well then, I know just the thing.

Well, it's about time.

Pull!

Can you believe that jerk?

This instant stardom is going to his head.

There's only one thing to do.

Leave?

No. Include this little episode in a sorted tell-all

expose and sell it to the Galactic Enquirer.

I can't take it anymore.

I've done it.

It's time to go, Whip.

Hey!

Is there a problem here?

Nah, these are my...

Yeah, there is.

Mr. Too Big for his britches here is acting like an

ass. Let's go.

Whip, you can't leave. You're booked on TRL. Total Request,

Blizzard.

Looks like I gotta stay.

For eternity, if you like.

Fine. You want this no-talent teeny-bopper, you can

keep it.

I think this is for the best, you know.

See, where I'm going, I couldn't take you guys.

But hey, no heart feelings.

Be careful who you step on on the way up, Whip,

'cause you're gonna see us again all the way back

down.

You people seem to think that I can't handle all this.

By the way, I say you people, 'cause your name's

escaped me at the moment.

The exit's gotta be around here somewhere.

Chode, you just can't leave Whip here.

Oh, yeah? Watch me.

Chode, look! They're gonna kill Whip!

Yeah, well, show business murder. Hey, look, an exit

sign.

You can't let him die.

Why, is he owe me money?

Chode, we're his real friends, not like those phony

hangers on.

Yeah, they just wanna use him.

By the way, if he did die, would his estate pictures,

records and films

be ours to license and possibly make a small fortune

from?

Just asking.

So, Whip, if you were a Tweet, what kind of Tweet

would you be?

Show Tweet? Oh, God, I swore to myself I wouldn't cry.

Cut, print. Take five, everybody.

You must come with us. These people are planning to

fatten you up

then hunt you down.

Yeah, right. Don't you get it?

I'm the biggest thing to hit this planet in decades.

My autograph is selling for a thousand cronigs on

eBay.

I'm pretending to date Demi Moore.

And there were three bikini-clad babes waiting next

door

to take a plaster cast of the old balls and chain.

And did I mention I have an entourage?

Two, yeah!

More like a bunch of iguanavies.

Whip, buddy, it looks like we need to have a little

heart to heart.

Dearest nephew, to put it simply, there is no way in

you deserve all this attention.

Wait, wait, wait, hear me out. I'm going to let you

down easy.

You're a, well, you're a 16-year-old slacker loser

and out of a possible 10, you're a two at best.

What?

I'm sorry, let me rephrase that.

In the personality department, you're a two.

In the looks department, you're a minus one.

And you're just jealous. The green monster has

finally reared its ugly head.

Well, I wouldn't call you a monster, but I think you're

getting the picture.

Buddy guards, toss these never-wises out of here.

Soon I'll have the complete set.

[laughs]

Tell me, tell me, who are you wearing?

Dolce and iguana, of course. So, what's all this for?

Your TV show. It's called Celebrity Hunt.

So, what are we shooting?

I didn't get this script this morning.

What? But who?

I give up. Who?

Apparently, this time we're hunting the galaxy's dumbest

lizard.

Sounds like fun. Do I know him?

It's you.

What? You can't. You like me. You really, really like

me.

I do, but realize this is the biggest thing that

could happen to you.

You're getting top billing, an exec producer credit,

and a televised funeral.

Complete with the personalized Elton John song of

your choice.

Oh, I think crack it out of luck would be appropriate,

I've always felt this like, wait a minute!

Relax, kid. I'll give you a sporting chance.

I'll cover my eyes and count to three.

One, two, three! Yeah!

[laughs]

No!

[crashing]

Ouch.

Mary Kate, Ashley, hunt!

Conditions could not be better for today's hunt.

Powering cannot be better.

I can't believe it.

He autographed this picture to whom am I concerned,

of all the cold-blooded reptiles?

Jeez, Gus, you've been working on that hose for a

good ten minutes.

At what point does maintenance end and inappropriate

touching begin?

Well, stop your whining. I must repair you.

Then at least have the decency to cut my ball

bearings while you're doing it.

[laughs]

[screams]

[cheering]

Whip, is that you? You come to apologize.

[grunts]

Mind. I'm trying to take a lady like Tinkle.

God will somebody please shoot me.

[grunts]

He's up, he's up. It's just an expression.

They're hunting Whip. We have to do something this

way.

Where are you going? It's coming from over there.

I swear it came from over here, the same direction as

our ship.

That has a force field and a large propulsion system

designed to specifically get me the f*** out of here.

Chode, I know Whip treated us poorly.

Like ABC Gums stuck to the bottom of his shoe, little

bastard.

A little bastard you care about.

Not a nuh.

It wouldn't bother you if he got hurt or worse killed.

Well...

Face it, Chode. Underneath that goofball three-eyed

sideshow freak exterior beats the heart of a kinder,

gentler sideshow freak.

You'll have a shut up.

[music]

Good dogs! You've freed him.

It looks like this could be it. Hurry!

This could be it.

Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him.

Say hello to Elvis for me.

Aw, they always go to commercial at the good part.

Whip, you idiot! You're a chameleon! Blend in for God's

sake.

Oh, oh yeah!

Where'd he go?

Damn!

Who made that excellent suggestion?

Done. I don't know whether to smoke a cigarette or

sob uncontrollably, huddled in the corner of a hot

shower.

Are they?

Oh, crap.

Please tell me that's Tanook taking another tinkle.

And she's suffering from irritable bowel syndrome?

Wasn't me.

Oh, look, Mary Kate. Something that might even tempt

you into eating.

So help me, Chode, if you're screaming your calls.

Mary Kate, Ashley, guard them.

This isn't the first time I've hunted your kind.

You can run, but you can't hide.

I'd probably have better luck if I didn't constantly

announce my intentions loud.

I hated the dialogue they wrote for me. Damn non-union

writers.

My heavens. What's happened here?

Are you okay?

Yeah, but you have to help Wip.

Where is he?

He went that way.

Where?

There. He crawled over those rocks, up that hill, and

then down the other side.

Good.

Say hello to my little friend.

Aha!

Too bad I was never allowed to fly this thing.

Suddenly you're pulling a conscience out of your ass?

Where was the damn thing when you decided to hijack

me?

Hmm.

It looks like the hunter has become the hunted.

Ah! Damn it!

What? That thing's somewhere else? It's my bad sign.

Don't!

Oh, kind of! Ha! It's this!

Kill the king! Kill the king!

Woo!

Then he ran down an incredibly long bumpy path and

did a loop-de-loop when he tripped over...

Just on tires to shake up point.

You know, do the bumpy path again.

Hey, hey, check it out, check it out.

Over there, 300 pounds of horse meat.

Wow, it's Wip!

Dang it!

No!

It was cool being a celebrity, but I got the feeling

they cared more about Wip the star than Wip the

More like Wip the prey.

Say what you want, but that planet won't be

forgetting me anytime soon.

Apparently you haven't seen this.

He's taken the planet by storm.

I'm running for president of his fan club.

Oh.

Face it, kid.

Fans are fickle, they build you up just so they can

tear you down, but not me.

Uh-uh, we're family.

No matter what dumbass thing you do, I'll never turn

on you.

Now, open that bottle of bubbly, my brilliant protégé.

You idiot! If I live, I'm gonna hunt you down and

kill you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]