Original subtitles

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why couldn't she have been a [ __ ]

smoker

this has nothing to do with her being in

such wonderful shape the cause of our

trouble here was our inability to come

up with the drugs for a paint thinner

there would be at least somewhat novel

to our system

she's good of a tolerance to everything

tolerance your [ __ ] afternoon nap

shut up pygmy we're fine it's all the

[ __ ] tennis it's almost 6:00

big man

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we met again and if she's anything like

her sister oh now we're doing to Johnny

and Julia and they stay power and love

and happiness

Oh Pete is the witch and dopey I've

never been up here before it's awfully

good we like it dad when you going back

to work soon we're not really sick

anymore no not really sick but not

completely well not yet don't think it

was free

mm-hmm I'm no good in winter these great

days are so sad what about next one

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J'son tell me dearest are you planning

on bathing this week I beg your pardon

what seems to have slipped your mind

last week but I'm not dirty dirty I mean

done nothing that would make you dirty

for quite some time now but you do weak

darling I'm tobacco from your yellow

toenails - here yellow fingernails -

your yellow teeth

- you're yellow here sorry to have

offended God on an empty stomach do

excuse me

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boys your mother was quite right to have

chastise be good personal hygiene is one

of the most essential disciplines a man

can have in this world ginger

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don't indulge him anymore Jason how can

anyone be afraid of a clown leave him

come on old man this is no way to be on

your birthday everybody's gone home

there's nobody left downstairs it's just

you and me now it's just you and me oh

man

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if Heaven is such a wonderful place that

i was getting crucified such a big

[ __ ] sacrifice it's wonderful to see

you again I hope you draw no more

beautiful place on God's earth and

Connecticut at Christmastime I'll ever

drop me down from the city please please

yes and congratulations on Oliver

I hear he's already established himself

as the creme of the Columbia freshman

crop we do take a lot of pride and see

our boys succeed but of course we're

here to discuss everything

did you enjoy making me look like a fool

up to dinner in foolish woman did you

enjoy that no I beg your pardon

no well then what are you a pathological

liar don't know fire fire and where were

you when your brother was flunking out

of school I was in college

igby is not my fault did you keep in for

a second think about how this we flex

upon me no I am NOT going to go through

this again you had a chance

everything that's almost impressive

actually it really is did you know

what's gonna happen to you now mister do

you know do you know why your sterling

performance is going to take you now

little man

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turtle spray

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this is your guide father a big male

listening to me this is the best thing

that could have happened to your

military school best thing in the world

to get out of that comfortable world you

raised and strike out on your own you

know those East Coast country clubs

school is doing no good in the real

world you know may be tough now but it's

gonna make you tough and like the rest

of your coddled contemporaries

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and it B goes down but you made some

real buddies haven't sure take me make

me ask buddies haven't dude that buddy's

a big many you have that buddy with the

cute little name that Dad that little

buddy

tortoise turtle turtle turtle he was my

best buddy

then his rifle backfired and blew his

face off we all learned a valuable

lesson about weapon maintance that day

well I didn't the school inform me

wasn't the school's fault

they were great about it pay for the dry

cleaning and everything not because they

had to but because it was the right

thing to do I believe that certain

people in life are meant to fall by the

wayside to serve his warnings for the

rest of us signposts along the way to

where success our father would be a

slippery one schizophrenic sign for

instance along the highway of life

this summer I want you to come and work

for me work with my crew renovate some

of my New York properties doctor being

exploited by your old pal this summer

[Laughter]

what are you saying a great state your

summer house at the Hamptons on the

weekends I'm your man sir

good good when you headed back to you

can owe 700 tomorrow morning sir

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this letter is to inform you the

recipient that my son the bearer of this

letter has my permission to you thank

you breaker Kevin thank you may I help

you son

yeah I need a broom and you have a

reservation

I assume my mother made one under her

name this is your mother

yep nope no reservation under that name

that's so typical in town looking at

schools aren't you yeah colleges she had

to fly home I have a brother a teenager

a bit of a problem every family has one

yeah so what college does he looking at

time all I'm really just long as it's

here here in the Midwest I hear ya hello

it is giorgia oh he isn't this is a mr.

Slocum Georgie's favorite teacher from

the Academy are you really I didn't know

Georgie had a sister well I'm just in

town for a little while at the O'Hare

Hilton

yeah well listen what are you up to

yeah but I'm an incredibly cool and

young teacher why how old are you really

you sound older than 11 yeah you're

right it's probably other cigarettes

hello yes this is she

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hi you can stand at attention their

slogan

what exactly do you think you're doing

here welcome the ritz-carlton was full

you know I'm very tense these days very

anxious about all of it bees trouble my

son in drug camp for God's sake and then

you make me very very close can I take

the trouble to tell you is mystically

what I require aha the creamy and let's

um let's get off the made me super cadet

it's got this big smile on his face no

one takes him seriously no one knows

that he's been expelled that morning

they scream jump and surprise he does a

swan dive onto the pavement you can

still see the stain in the pavement

where his head popped open every morning

I used to use that blotch to know where

to line up for breakfast formation do

you contemplate suicide constantly no

you've totally missed the point of my

story all right yeah completely it's

about the hypocrisy of the place which I

couldn't tolerate you let me do my job

and you do yours

I'm trying to [ __ ] help you you think

I need apparently you think that I don't

know how to do my job well I mean no

offense but how good could you be

working at this place you know I can

only be as effective as you allow me to

be just tried to help you with my story

how did you feel about what the boy did

I feel like he should have really

reconsidered his [ __ ] options don't

you what are your options I don't know

yet who are you trying to hurt with the

pills nobody I was improvising as I went

I actually didn't give it a lot of

thought I think that you are much more

aware than even you realize yeah well

you're an idiot [ __ ] are you doing I

don't like being called an idiot you

prick you can't [ __ ] hit me

next fall you'll be starting at yet

another school igby are you gonna try to

make an effort this time around

I'm considering my options am I to

understand you have full separate

doctors all writing your prescriptions

it's a point of convenient with no

knowledge but the others are prescribing

my dear man I assure you I need my Pepys

perhaps you should cut down on the

valium and sleeping pills you'd have

more energy but after my get very tense

you got tense because you pop speed like

candy bad Luke oh I beg your pardon

patients actually tolerate this cheeky

little [ __ ] routine of yours find it

cute do they mrs. Slocombe out

I'm not well you mean literally yes

literally they've run tests seem so bad

it's nice a place thing to spend the

spring yeah round out your rough edges

this'll do for you I still want you to

come and work for me this summer maybe

stay with funny meet at summer house and

we think yeah

well listen the reason not me me your

mother hasn't been able to visit you I'm

sure she wanted to she went to the

hospital for a bit of a rest and he

discovered something else something

rather rather bad she's got treatment

for it number his damn confident she'll

be fine but you know what mess deck man

your house is on the beach right

contract

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this contract the families should be run

like companies with everybody's

responsibilities clearly defined

children at the age of reason should be

divided with legal representation and a

contract drawn up all the best

relationships are based on contract

funny and I have a contract now you're

gonna come and work for me we're gonna

have one and that piece of paper take

the is your clean slate you know you

could just take a letter shuttle back to

DC I mean that Dean from st. Anthony's

McKay in the morning to beg him to admit

you're a brother this fall a mother's

work is never done

da just collecting ink me today yeah

he's picking him up from the camera yes

what a great investment that has proven

to be get into here for two months on a

weekly basis just how much my son hates

me that's always been one of his

favorite topics of conversation his

creation was an act of animosity why

shouldn't his life be one listen Olli

this summer baby's going to bunk with

you at Columbia during the week then you

both can go out to the Hamptons on the

weekend yes of course

well babysitting me all summer long you

know you have been a very bad older

brother and yet you're the one he hates

basically it's like reverse Darwinism a

situation in which a less evolved

species is better equipped to survive

than a more evolved creature which if

you think about it isn't really reverse

Darwinism so much as bigger picture

Darwinism if you will what oh yeah

what's happening did you hear that we're

out there for a time here in Locke's

it's oil or something look at this hey

this guy he's strapping young working

hunk of manhood that's my godson Egbe

are we gonna name eggsy honey yeah

you've met his brother Olly at the

office the other day how you doing good

thank me thank you

are you doing well you're doing well

we're coming along there stud

well 3000 square-feet over

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reptile

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not that cold out here no Maria Sukey

Sukey Sukey Saperstein yeah

yeah

are you somebody's daughter yes I'm

somebody's daughter I mean somebody here

at this party no and why are you here

I'm with the catering company the women

hired us for the party why do you think

I'm dressed like a figure skater Oh

bunny

he's my godmother

actually she's not her husband gage

Baines

he's my godfather it was close

outstanding can i bum one

No

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gotta like

and a cigarette

well Rachel I see you've you've met the

boys actually bunny um rachel is the

choreographer who's Tom you guys whose

writing that commercial space service on

down in Soho using it as a studio I

don't know when did you get out count

two months ago I've been working for D H

all summer long that's one here every

weekend it's my wife is the

philanthropist of these other family

especially fond of dancing sure dear eh

here we go oh yes the guests I see I see

so are you two in school or something

I'm at Columbia and as far as this

year's challenge for egg B and we're

still waiting to hear back from this

really fun parochial school in DC

perchance to dream he's already done the

Protestant circuit mom must have some

compromising photos of the head priest

with an altar boy for them to even be

considering it me we're all in a bit of

a losses whenever I'm at a loss I dip

into Elka Rilke all that tortures me

every christmas some [ __ ] gives me

this copy of young poet it's as

patronizing note on the inside flap

about how it's supposed to change my

life maybe you should read it before you

judge it I'm pretty confident after all

one of the copies was from you I'm

Oliver and this is my little brother

Eggman what kind of a name is egg fee

it's the kind of a name that someone

named Sookie is a no position to

question sookie sookie where do you go

to school

Bennington Ollie's majoring in

neo-fascism at Columbia economics

semantics what's your major attitude

I've got to get back to the bar that's

wrongheaded Oh can't you kids later

the H brings you up a lot captain

Christmas my godfather No

so if something horrible god forbid were

to befall my mother I would come and

live with him in bunny I know my

godparents are so you're ripping apart

my potential home my being here offends

you

no no your being here is great I had no

choice

not really I think you're great I really

do thank you it's been bringing you here

that tortures me I love the fact that

the captain of the morality team invites

his chick to the same party as his wife

who let's face it isn't the sharpest

tool in the shed anymore

and what's more none of their supposed

me girlfriends protects her none of them

bats a [ __ ] eyelash at his hypocrisy

and I love that I'd really do embrace

your moral hypocrisy d-h go for it

put me you're okay with honestly listen

you know what if you're ever in the city

you should pop over left we're done

working on it

Oh No

no worries mother pygmy is on his way to

the airport the drivers been briefed to

take him directly to LaGuardia the

insane he's loving custody by this

afternoon oh and happy birthday mother

much luck sir it's my mother's birthday

today and I forgot is there any way that

uh we could just make a quick stop in

the city somewhere so I can get her

something she'll be so surprised

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can I help you hey you remember me from

the Hamptons John Birch cotillion oh

yeah yeah yeah hey how you doing

so you said you come by and you did a

month leader really love what you've

done with the space I really love what

the space is done the fur eat me eat me

this is my friend Russell hi hi if B is

DHS nothing Danson

Russell's just what well he's just a

brilliant artist so um what are you

doing here celebrating Saint Anthony's

accepted me congratulations

so I'm on the lam you want to stay here

yes there's another oh no no you can't

stay here

I don't even live here I rather space to

work and I work here I pay rent the age

doesn't even know you're here it's kind

of awkward great well I don't know what

you're gonna do because there isn't an

extra key and an only D H can get the

maid so hmm

there's an extra key on the windowsill

in the hallway the landing outside the

door it has to be here Wendy H needs it

it has wild eh [ __ ] you you stay here

for a couple days man contrary to

popular belief D H is my landlord I'm an

established artist I work here my

projects are supported I can't afford to

[ __ ] up my relationship with my landlord

do you understand so you let yourself in

and out using that key but every time he

reaches for it it's there and waiting

for him sure

I don't want to know you're here I don't

want to see any traces of you in here

gotcha

for a couple of days I'm just gonna run

to the bathroom so you're an artist what

kind of art what do you mean what kind

of art I mean do you paint or I got what

you meant but you obviously didn't get

what I meant an artist creates art

regardless of what form the canvas takes

so what do you do paint I'm a

performance artist oh so you don't paint

Rachel thinks that D H is going to leave

his wife Ian set up house with her what

do you think the chances of that are

money buckets take me away oh do you

think you could persuade your godfather

until letting me use one of his

buildings for one of my pieces what

would you want to do with it I don't

know Russell is just like very very

brilliant how old are you Agatha

I'm 18 I'm very close to being 18 still

no news on AP no he will turn up the age

is spending more time in New York these

days and here in Georgetown so he is

bound to find him you know doesn't mean

I just don't want you to know that if

you should take a very bad turn

um death for instance not to worry about

the boys eh was so excited about having

them this son and you know if he could

be sorry that's helped the boys in

anyway you know that would make us very

very very happy I just want you to know

that not to mention the fact that he's

well over Diaz he's invested I don't the

lot emotionally and financially and to

the boys ik fees tuition such I mean

where else would you tear him Jason

handsome and somewhat sad Jason

sure was so depleted your finances and

your options Mimi I mean the sacrifices

you've made to boys

I just how how how did you deal with

syrups and a turkey baster

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bunny yes you are a feeble woman

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is that done here uh me me just

freshening up huh

me me what did she leave the age without

saying goodbye

yes she did leave a note well of course

she did

sweet Mimi can strea th up for some

bucks I'd ask myself but I'm not having

sex

[ __ ] you good job please things have

become fragile with gage

what things

me there anything written all you really

need is pocket crash I have needs

Russell's always looking for assistance

for his projects I'm sure you three

still work as a favor to me who loves me

right so are you

I'm one of his artworks oh gosh

hey hey I know you

you're that boy from the Hamptons party

Iggy I met you at that party at your

uncle's party

eggby he's my godfather leave me alone

igby

mm what dime bag well that got your

attention

Pavlov's Ponton I hear the sound of a

bong clinking my eyes begin to water

that's funny yeah thanks the park yeah

are you vegetarian why would you ask

that I just never seen anybody we're all

joint like that what does that have to

do with being a vegetarian oh they're

just so precious I roll perfect joints

I'm not putting them down they're

incredible

thank you it's incredible that a human

being could make such neat little joints

you make it sound as if I'm anal or

something just because I know how to

roll a perfect joint

no not even vegetarian Oh what is that

mean well you don't roll like big Rasta

spliff joints do you your joints are

like salad joints not like a big sloppy

bleeding cheeseburger that you rip into

kind of a joint joint

I guess marijuana isn't a visceral

experience for me sex is for many right

okay so I am a vegetarian but for purely

moral reasons oh I thought you went to

school at Brandeis or someplace

Bennington I do why aren't you there I

took a semester off I needed time to

recuperate from what

Emmons cookies beer diet pills tension

life my dad's been recuperating for six

years what do you mean firmly nothing

yeah come a long way baby

you're funny

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I'm lieutenant Ernest Smith from

Pershing Academy I'm here to ask about

him those are fabulous where did you get

them

yummy see I'm Regular Army and mrs.

Slocombe found out I was stationed in

New Jersey now so she just thought that

maybe igby since he worked here this

summer can I have these uh no no I have

Anne Frank and Frank the soldiers are

gone come out and play

yeah was free and hmm you have a huge

crush on me don't you [ __ ] off

how's your brother doing these days I

don't have a brother I'm an only child

Oliver is your brother I thought he is

and yet and yet what I was about to say

that we were both raised only children

but that sounds like something you would

say what do you do I'm preparing to

leave where do you want to go far away I

was thinking about joining the Peace

Corps go up my razor's edge experience

discover the meaning of life whatever I

need at least three years of college and

join the Peace Corps dad yeah you do

yeah I had a friend at school joined

well that could be a slight snag I don't

even got around to taking a GED yet so

take it I gotta go to Hackensack

so go stop procrastinating a child's

Christmas I'm not going to New Jersey

isn't procrastinating it's common sense

Joe I'm gonna go with you no there will

man that'd be great why aren't you in

school now sheer ingenuity you're funny

instead of saying that someone or

something is funny why don't you just

laugh is that better much hideout before

shut up

igby igby my boy you look a bit peeking

I don't feel peeking say give your give

your mother a call maybe let her know

you're alive

yes

you need to eat some red meat my boy no

pale

I didn't know he was here the key was on

the window we have money let him in how

was I supposed to know that it wasn't my

fault we had an agreement

you [ __ ] up wasn't my fault idiot so I

guess you have to pay rent this month

she's a dancer who doesn't dance and

friend as a painter who doesn't paint

it's kind of a boho version of island of

the lost toys and she's a lot stronger

than she looks

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you know what I think about when I'm

this close to my body I think one day

and one moment this body that I'm

holding in my arms stop breathing stop

living

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stop

one day you'll happen upon my name in

the obits and you'll remember this

moment and we were so close yuria

[ __ ] hopper end up at military school

me me me me my mother you call your

mother me me heinous one is a bit

cumbersome right

medea was already taken

your mother sent you to military school

when all fairness to her I did get

kicked out of most of the schools on the

East Coast so I just assumed that

military school was an empty threat like

with most parents she called that Bluff

do you resent her for sending you there

I'm glad I went and everything clear to

me I call the fight so you're taking the

bus No

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I feel this great great pressure coming

down on me just constantly

crushing me

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we make it sound sinister that's what

good schools are for to shape you not

brainwash you in some evil Orwellian way

or squash you into something you're not

I know my mother teaches metaphysical

poetry at Vassar and I really believe

that she tries to my father through the

system and the system told him what he

was supposed to want he achieved

everything then in his forties he

flipped well what did he really want

sunny days now dad is in the maryland

home for the befuddled cuckoo for cocoa

puffs so you're never going back to

school and what you plan to do with your

life igby just kill time until find

Evers breakdown comes along

does your father dead no why when I

talked about mine

you didn't feel obligated to compare and

contrast he's a theologian Jewish

theologian metaphysical poet s doesn't

explain you what would cross-dressing

psychoanalysts heroin junkies alright

thanks

my parents were two very idealistic

incredibly bright narcissus I was like

their vanity project what uh he tortured

me I was adopted okay oh that would

explain everything cuz I mean how many

Vassar professors and intellectual

theologians beget nymphomaniacal pseudo

bohemian Japs actually a lot probably

right

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I'm not a jab

good morning I'm Oliver we met it right

right at that party in the Hamptons

you're the fascist brother the first

young Republican well I'm Sookie excuse

me

oh yeah I'm sorry god you're pathetic

thank you [ __ ] with the age told you I

was here a little vacations about to

come to a rather abrupt and severe and

come again you're still a minor so so

since you're not interested in taking

care of your education measures are

being taken on your behalf what measures

mom's coming up next week on great all

right

taking my high school equivalency test

on Friday whatever I can vouch for him I

made the test appointment really really

oh my god it's almost the afternoon it

was nice meeting you I'm gonna take off

where are you headed

my mom's Upper East Side yeah me too

that's where I'm staying amidst the

cobwebs and geriatrics geriatrics

everyone's inferior Ollie in one way or

another

just ask him he'll tell you let me give

you a lift that's a write-off for das

you can't pass up a free ride um Friday

Friday

no no it's not his real name

he had a stuffed bear as a kid Digby

bear they were British I think and

because he always got everything wrong

he called it igby whenever he committed

a crime he would say I didn't do it it'd

be did it's a break him of this habit

being his hip the child's psychic she

was Mimi started referring to him his

egg be every time he lied and well he

lied a lot so you work here a godfather

take this dance it was amazing his mind

functions only to make money he thinks

he has everything he could possibly want

so he walks around acting the way he

thinks a happy and content man should

act

he's a parody if he's such a parody why

do you work for him he's an obscenely

rich parody and if he wants to make me

in His image Hey

what does your mother do she's a writer

mostly should just teach us now she

divorce never married no doesn't like

men last man no just a failed

heterosexual listen thanks for the lift

[ __ ] what did you lose your wallet I I

don't have to accuse my own apartment

the doorman might you it

he's totally senile he never remembers

me I'll just wait for him wander around

it should be in this evening at some

point are you sure yeah yeah can I use

your phone

sure I mean I mean God can I get a

receipt after the break dum Mee Mee I've

been afraid someone would find something

embarrassing so what why her little

soldier while she waited downstairs this

old lady led me to his desk and before

she left me there made sure to give me a

nice pat on the head wanted to break her

[ __ ] hand so I sat down on my

father's chair and I started looking at

his desk each drawer that I opened was

the same no books no pencils just row

upon row of meticulously stacked

cigarettes thousands of them and all I

could think was not the extent to which

my father's sickness had damaged him but

rather gosh how would somebody go about

doing this without anyone in the office

being the wiser you know not my father

is so far [ __ ] Gandhi ain't never

coming back but just

how the [ __ ] did you get all these

cigarettes into this desk

you are not

it's okay I am

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do you want me to give this to you or

should I just hang on to it I want you

to put it to a lapel with my mittens and

nametags snippy snippy no buster I'd

treat for you shut up you're being

really immature about this if I'm

immature your prenatal you have to be

impressed by that preppy prick we hung

out 8b we're closer in age

he's your brother you act like you hate

him I do I do hate him he's totally

hateable evil

niblet [ __ ]

there's been a misunderstanding

next fall is not good no no I need my

son enrolled this spring

mm-hmm well have you spoken to his

Godfather th Baines yes Big B is his

favorite charity he's sponsoring the boy

as in financially yeah what do we have

to do then to make it happen this spring

you do that yes thank you very much

bye-bye

we're going to California

I need a [ __ ] sunny day come I'm

serious

there's nothing keeping me here except

perhaps poverty I can't let that stop

you no no can't I've always wanted to

drive across the country maybe this

summer [ __ ] that I'm fine I like calm

[ __ ] good

I'd be afraid to go by myself

may i freshen your drink look a baby

boys bigger baby

thank you

oh I must say eBay you have perfected

the hobo look but you didn't actually

buy the suit did you I mean someone left

at some place before you did they dead

however Paul I want my money my money

from dad I'll get it in two years anyway

that's how you can extend your vacation

I need it

you freed it up early for Olli oh uh I

graduated from high school he graduated

at the top of his class he earned it I'm

not gonna subsidize your being uh a bum

it's a moot point anyhow what do you

mean we are assuming that Jason provided

for you in the same manner he provided

for Olli yes

he didn't you're lying darling why would

I lie when I can just say no

I've had a conversation with Mr McKay

he's the headmaster of st. Anthony's and

in spite of your little disappearing act

this fall he has agreed to admit you

after Christmas

you'll be I'm not going back and passed

the equivalency test I don't have to go

back of course I don't trust you with

the train fare so if you just look up

Ally tell him that I will reimburse him

if he buys you a ticket I don't have his

number age does oh it had just occurred

to me to mention it Ali I just saw him

this afternoon for lunch with his

girlfriend in fact you just missed him

darling by about hour and a half it's

Connecticut 100 although I rather liked

her no this is a new one a rather

attractive New York girl a Jewish girl

I hope I caught you guess where I am st.

Vincent's Hospital we're having a party

everybody is here just [ __ ] everybody

it's a party the bad batch mama sold you

a bad batch right you're not coming to

this party right little bunny it's igby

here yes yes I'm in New York listen it

is D H there by my place like a lady

sensible she must have used in the cab

on the way home my god what's that about

a little patience girl I wanna oh hi the

doctor said that she's gonna be fine

out tomorrow maybe everything's taken

care of nothing more to do here I'm

Rachel's friend Russell

hi he left headed back to LA yeah thanks

to you

I'm sorry to call like that the exact

right thing glad we're around the island

good boy good boy you know I was the

best man at your parents wedding did you

know that evening yeah the golden couple

that's what the paper call yeah my boy

my boy you know what I think you've been

up to a boy I think you've been pissing

in the well from which you drink that's

what I think you've been up to a boy

[Applause]

what happened breach of contract dh2

Basu I didn't know he could get angry

it wasn't angry he felt obligated not to

worry that it will affect your position

as his prime Punk

I think if Gandhi had had to hang out

with you for any prolonged period of

time he'd have ended up kicking the [ __ ]

out of you [ __ ] why egg be Rachel

you're screwing Rachel they're screwing

Rachel where was Rachel when all this

was going on

Oh deed it's she dead st. Vincent's

unbelievable

mom wanted me to escort you down to DC

deliver you to st. Anthony's but you

can't travel now at least not with me

I'm not going I took the equivalency

test I don't have to go humor her it

would mean [ __ ] off

apparently they found another lump good

say hello to Sookie for me

you see I have this I feel this great

drink pressure coming down on me it's

crushing me

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it's just you and me old man

you and me

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so here there oh my god eight feet um

I'm in the shower go away come back

later we gotta go now I gotta get out of

here what we gotta go now I know we said

the summer but we gotta go now maybe

there's something that I have to tell

Molly yes I know I know how soon can you

be ready

I can't go with you Amy I can't things

have changed

no no no they haven't you're my friend

my friend that hasn't changed right no

no that hasn't changed but um Ali and I

are we're the same age

and um no perfect Sookie Sapperstein and

the young Republican of course natural

shut up egg be think your what he wants

you think that you fit the picture of

how he wants his life to look you think

that he's bringing back to our mother as

a potential wife

our mother sure she'd be nice to your

face but then the first opportunity she

pulled him aside and warned him off

mongrel children have such a hard time

fitting in

dearest shut up Big B he will lie to you

he will lie to you he will use you up

and marek some inbred dairy and frog we

will be getting all the towhead of Brad

he can afford go away they are rigid and

they are cold you don't know their code

sucky I'm not going with you Inc me

I'm scared

you're just a glutton for [ __ ]

punishment orange eggs

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bones sinking like stones all the way

homes places we've grown

we're

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sinking like stones all that we've

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Spidey's his way through

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Russell Russell I need a job hello Lisa

Fiedler's I know a girl from Baltimore I

know a girl from Baltimore I know a girl

from Baltimore I meant Fiedler's house

she wants to know if she can pay with a

personal check you have no cash her

roommate says you may have enough in

traveler's checks and crumb and frogs

okay you Louis why don't you make

yourself comfortable guy I'll be right

back

mr. J yes its igby

Alley Slocum's younger brother big be in

vain oh of course of course Columbia

right right well we're all hoping though

once he's healed a bit from the accident

that he'll be able to lead a fairly

normal life and be able to go back to I

know what happened

well apparently as far as anyone can

tell he was ten speeding a gazillion

miles an hour through Central Park

racing with all the other Young Turks

when apparently he caught his own

reflection in the handlebar mirror and

became so aroused by it that he burst

his speedo shorts which then got caught

in the gears and just threw him right on

his face splatter luckily someone had

the presence of mind to scrape his face

off the pavement and put it on ice

doctors were able to grab the most

together and you you um well this is

what you're up to

bigger-picture Darwinism you two know

each other

Wow igby Slocumb was in my art class he

was one of my students you used to call

me Miss Piggy didn't Joe 8b yeah

you want me to cut this for you lucky

charms

alright [ __ ] lucky charms psycho

[ __ ] what did he do with her lucky

charms she's a bit upset her one-woman

show wasn't terribly well-received at

the pyramid tonight

really hmm the world isn't ready for

pica no I told her Lorna Luft was just

too [ __ ] obscure people just think

you're doing a bad Liza I love Lorna oh

yeah me too

oh hey hey your brother is looking for

you yeah yeah your mom is dying yeah

yeah you know what you have to think of

it as what like an act of God if there

were a God he'd have acted a lot sooner

what nothing he left you a ticket

excellent it's non-refundable he wanted

me to tell you that Derek

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hey hey I gotta take a piss

Rachel HP toilet paper rustles yeah I'm

pretty sensational actually and you know

house date doesn't you miss me

I haven't spoken to him since

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what

[Applause]

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I've been taught in Seconal like a

proper junkie

I'm ready Olly it's time to round up

your brother

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what's this an ice cream sundae

we go to DC this weekend I kill my

mother I'm shocked Holly called me

apparently he called everybody stole

your thunder [ __ ] this must be very

hard on you not as [ __ ] hard as it's

going to be on her you're just angry and

confused oh my god don't do that to me

Oh psych 101 you're a furious boy

I mean eventually you won't be a boy and

it'll eat you up furious boy the thought

that I'm going to live my life without

ever having told her to [ __ ] off is

pretty goddamn infuriating

do you hate my guts

like a month I did no you're not even in

my top five good I missed you yeah my

life is uh um I'm drowning in [ __ ]

I'm your friend yeah

listen after I'm not coming back that's

New York I know can we go back to your

mom's apartment no sex no you think

that'll make you feel better

it won't it'll just make you feel really

empty and sad

you're better off masturbating

thank you for coming down didn't want to

[ __ ] up my inheritance did I ally has

talked to you huh he explained what is

to take place he said something about

bludgeoning me with a phone receiver but

he didn't really go into specifics no

baby

the irony is that I took for granted I'd

outlive you all you'd think in this

family that I would be the lease lightly

Jason happy as a clam Hilda forever in

the institution oh just because you're

dying I'm not going to apologize not for

anything I've ever done why do you want

me to be here mother comic relief

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I'm going for a walk

Holly what are you drinking scotch

Oh sdh told you what well we've decided

to bump all those incredibly prominent

and terribly chic persons that you were

expecting to speak here memorial and

well have me speak for two hours or so

what a clever idea

you do understand though don't you that

it is customary and a eulogy to at least

make reference to the deceased I tend to

mother time permitting

are we ready Ali shall we do this

now you understand once we start you

have to get as much of this inside

response yes yes yes we've been through

this you don't have to do this again

mm-hmm Oh mmm that's strawberry I

thought the idea was to stop me from

vomiting up the poison

mm web but Amy maybe I take it you know

th is your father

no I'm really glad I told you thank you

I'm young me me

much life

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listen do you want to see the body

before they come to collect it

I've seen it

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excuse me

hello mrs. Hathaway this is Jason Slocum

jr. Egbe no I'm afraid she can't cuz

she's dead he's always enjoyed being the

bearer of bad tidings

hello mr. Biddle

it's igby if you could sign this release

I'd love to mrs. Biddle but she's dead

great job

Thank You aunt Penelope ZigBee this all

seems to be in order this is for you and

your thank you very much that's very

generous of you

mm-hmm yeah yes I'm sure she'd love to

Aunt Penelope yes yet except for one

thing

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yes I'm sure she was yes to say thank

you it's ironic

but the first time my entire life I feel

remotely affectionate toward her is when

she's dead you beat up her corpse no

after that the services in two days

you're gonna stay here although you

killed her Olli you barrier I'm joking

listen I I've got this discount fare and

be kind of hypocritical of me you know

you'll handle it like everything else

right right you should hate me I don't

you should I don't hate you

don't be indulgent never that you're

going to California

yep the Sunshine State actually Florida

is the Sunshine State right

Oh 3,000 [ __ ] miles away from here is

there a number where we can reach you we

know you're calm in there is

really isn't that much between us isn't

just an ever-diminishing amount of blood

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further

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I just need some place

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just

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take

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come on let's go down

she said I gotta go

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Moses there's nothing you can say

it's just don't look and look so waiting

on a Judgment Day

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no stinky paneling

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see

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you

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