Original subtitles

[Music]

[Music]

my name is charlie wood

i think i made a big mistake

[Music]

you

[Music]

higher can't sweetheart any higher

you're gonna hit the moon

[Music]

that's right smart girl and get a bump

[Music]

hey emily look who it is

[Music]

hi how are you okay

okay

i've got her lunch uh an extra thermos

of apple juice uh her elmo doll mr

frizzles

uh 12 grapes and a bag i got it mr wood

[Music]

i'll see you at five

all right sweetheart

high five

[Music]

[Music]

first the wyoming widow now the oregon

undertaker hmm well they just pulled a

dead girl out of the reservoir god

suicide well if she chopped off her own

arms and legs before strangling herself

and then jumping off the pier

then maybe then i'm eating they're

figuring it's the oregon undertaker

again

that'll be the fourth girl in six months

each one mutilated and disemboweled

worse

pen

oh sorry baby

listen charlie

you don't have to do this you know of

course i do we can't go on living on one

income anymore how many nights this week

have you given emily spaghettios

she likes spaghettios

hey baby trust me once they buy your

book you're gonna a single publisher has

called pam

not a single one

the term black hole is a very recent

origin that was coined in 1969 by the

american scientist john

[Music]

we handle nearly 200

000 calls a day the hotlines to some of

the biggest corporations in the country

until online melanie speaking how can i

help you centel online melanie speaking

how can i help you again my name is

melanie and have a great day do you only

hire women named melanie

it's a trick of the trade callers like

to think they get the same service rep

this here is the melanie and john

section and you are over here with the

jennifers and stevens this

is you

what do you mean this is me i was told i

had a supervisor position

you gotta spend six months in the

trenches before you can interview her

supervisor

but i have a phd uh surely

yeah you want the job or not okay

yeah

great gus here will help get you started

kay stephen uh uh it's charlie

sure it is

in the file menu do you see where it

says open

okey dokey can you open the open menu

okey dokey again my name is steven thank

you for calling centel you have a great

day

i actually liked gus at first sight

welcome to hell [ __ ]

well maybe not first sight i'm sorry

hell

people hooked up to machines like slaves

and the smell

it's pure underarm

okay so um what do we do here

santel online steven speaking how may i

help you

okey dokey ma'am have you checked to see

if your pc is on

no ma'am i'm not a [ __ ] that's simply

the protocol

sorry

okey dokey i'm gonna check that with my

supervisor real quick and uh i'm gonna

put you on hold

you feel feisty you whiny little turkey

neck [ __ ] why don't you hop up on my

dick and bounce and see if that fires up

your monitor sweetheart

hello ma'am thanks for waiting listen

i'm gonna transfer you over to our

technical service department okey dokey

please hold

in the kingdom of the blind the one-eyed

dwarf is king

that's my wife stephanie ex-wife keep

forgetting

and uh that there is my little daughter

kaise

that's pretty name yeah it's uh greek it

means beloved

tyus has his problem with her eye

pressure and uh

doctors said if she doesn't get a cornea

transplant in like a year then uh she's

gonna go blind

every year 65 000 diabetics develop

proliferative retinopathy one of the

leading precursors to blindness

she's not diabetic

so

are you gonna be able to afford the

surgery before she

yeah yeah i hope so if everything you

know

goes as expected

what do you mean

huh

i have a plan

i'm 65 years old now and my husband is

asking me to do a donkey style okay

ma'am um i'm going to transfer you to

our technical department please hold

good god are you expecting a call

um centel online this is charlie how uh

steven how can i help you yeah my ip

address is stuck on 169. okay

sir um have you checked to make sure

your computer is on

did you hear what i just said yes

oh i p address i p

address

here we go

your ip address should start with 81.

so

does it i just told you it was stuck on

169 chief sir said that the cleaning

lady answered the phone in there sir now

discern me [ __ ] just help me out with

my [ __ ] problem

jesus please hold on a second while i

check with our technical department

yes sir your wife is one of 3.8 of

american women who secretly engage in

regular online chats with a total

stranger accompanied by vigorous

masturbation

my wife just died three months ago

but i'd like to discuss that with your

supervisor steven

hey

charlie wait wait

it's my fault ah don't worry about it

i'll be all right

look

you know i said i had a plan yep well

why don't you come in on it with me

you know be like a partner or something

you know i just i sure as hell feel like

i owe you one man

it's not anything illegal is it what

yep

right

look meet me at the monkey wrench nine

o'clock okay yeah

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would i be awakened

where the wrong side renders

but i did not

would i be dangling toward the mice

but i did not

forgetting about the innocent splendors

[Music]

[Music]

two bottles of your finest mass-produced

lager

so

so

i stumbled across the database of work

the online history of each and every

member of santel online

look this is their record everyone in

the state that went online in the last

three months and logged onto an illegal

porn site

now i figured there's got to be somebody

in here willing to fork over some coins

they all look the same i mean if they're

not

rev neville smalls what's rev

reverend

exactly it's brilliant don't you think

um you know i um i really don't think

i'm criminal material guys no wait wait

wait wait wait wait wait wait

wait talking about a so-called man of

the cloth who likes to watch teenage

boys and girls take off their clothes

and have god knows who do god knows what

to them

who's the real criminal here

i tried to do things by the book charlie

the stomach the nine to five you know

what got me my daughter is about to go

blind charlie blind

well how much are you good for me 50 for

you even

a hundred

thousand

dollars it's not much to preserve one's

reputation don't you think what if

somebody gets hurt it's a completely

non-violent enterprise no harm done

whatsoever and pretty much all i need is

for you to be my alibi

that's all

that's all

okay

you pick the blue one and you go back to

your old life but pick the red one and

you finally get to be a free man

but i must warn you once you eat the red

one

there's no turning back

i gotta tell you i was a little nervous

about going solo

okay

rule number one preparation is king

okay more than anything else we want to

totally rule out the element of surprise

josie

how long were you sitting there

long enough to ask how you'd feel about

bringing in a third ah

okay here's the touching story of how

gus met josie

uh miss

yes sir i'm gonna get the check

why does the chef have curly hair

no

i'm gonna get the check

you work at the call center huh

yeah how can you tell well half the town

does all right you have that same look

the rest of them do what look is that at

how much longer till i drop dead

so i don't have to go to my stupid job

anymore

yeah that'd be the one

you from here nope

oklahoma oh

oklahoma right what's that like

nowhere near as sexy as you

i'll get that

[Music]

so um care to hear about our dessert

special latina how old are you

19

more or less look

is it more or is it less well

let's i guess

[ __ ]

the hell's the matter with you you're a

child for christ's sakes do i look like

a child

huh all right is there anything else you

forgot to mention

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who are you charlie wood former

co-worker of gus's josie mcbroom

gus and i rented him back in the day

what look i'm sorry to interrupt but gus

what are we going to do i want in

all right read my lips okay no

way you guys can't do the job without me

why is that because dum-dum i'm the only

one who can make the call

if the preacher goes and starts

recording you on his answering machine

or something the first thing they're

gonna do is try and match it up with the

voice records from the call center

you guys would be screwed

stuffed and mounted

is that true kinda

how'd you work that out

i told you

i was miss teen oklahoma

how much do you want twenty 000

20 000

for making a phone call

for making the phone call

[Music]

the average person makes about 1 140

phone calls each year none of which go

anything like this

may i speak to the reverend smalls

please

[Music]

hi reverend are you by any chance

familiar with a website that goes by the

name of

teenorgies.com or young and hung.com

someone who knows what the mouse plays

when the wife's away

listen up sicko i have in my hand a list

of all your favorite sites your credit

card number dates and times of all your

connections so you better cut the crap

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what do i want

100 000

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100 000

200 thousand what

you heard me i want two hundred thousand

dollars cash

take it or leave it rev

but if i don't have my money by tomorrow

evening the church newsletter next

month's gonna be a doozy

and i'll be sending somebody

[Music]

well now i think that somebody deserves

to be made full partner don't you

wait

i took a chance and it worked now we

each get 70 000

it's actually 66

666 followed by an infinite number of

sixes thanks rain man

right look from now on okay anybody

pulls any out of the blue candy ass

stunts she's out

all right if we're partners let's start

acting like it this is a plan

i go get the money at 9 00 pm tomorrow

at exactly the same time charlie enters

the monkey wrench and pretends that we

ran out of gas on the road to milk creek

he also says that i'm on my way to the

gas station okay the one that opens 24

7. don't forget to say that 10 pm after

i stash the money in a locker at the

railway station i come back to the

monkey wrench and i tell everybody about

my walk in the dark that way if it comes

up charlie was at the bar i was at the

gas station wait a minute the guy at the

station will testify that he never saw

you sure you know why because he's blind

oh pretty bro

the following day we meet up at noon we

divvy up the money and we all go our

respective ways okay now any questions

yeah

why don't we just divvy up the money

immediately

rule number two always let the dust

settle after a job rule number two

number two what you've been reading

blackmailing for dummies or

something any questions

great rule number three no matter what

happens

oh let's stick to the plan

[Music]

the next day might have been the longest

one i'd ever known

for the first time since i could

remember

i'd be able to bring security and

happiness to my family

[Music]

i couldn't tell you if what i felt

pumping through my veins was fear or

excitement

so mr supervisor talk to me do you have

a secretary yep

is she pretty

pretty um no she's she's more

nondescript

what's her name

sharon

sharon

sharon what um

stone

sharon stone i know

so how was your day oh phenomenal and to

top it off the fbi is sending in the eye

the what the who bionic supersonic

special agent chester hines fbi aka the

i

which is just what i need with the

undertaker okay spinning out of control

no leads no fingerprints nothing

honestly

why some folks suddenly have to go and

turn into criminals is the army

what if i did

what if you did what

[Music]

if i became a criminal

like if i uh

i don't know

stole some money or something that

arrest you

but but let's say um

let's say

i had to

you know like we had no other choice and

i and i had to steal something um

because because i had to what what then

i'd arrest you

why

because a good cop always gets from me

nope

i'm serious ben what

why should emily have to put up with

second-hand toys second-hand clothes

secondhand life

charlie

you have your book you have me and

emily and that makes us rich

[Music]

don't get a lot of time

don't give a damn

don't tell me what to do

i am the man

if there's a god affair

something above

god shine your light down here

[Music]

what a crazy night

my car ran out of gas you gonna order

something

sure beer please one of your finest

mass-produced

[Music]

my friend gus um

uh oh you know gus gus dickinson works

at the works down at the call center

reverend smalls

and that's where he is now

walking down that road to the station

reverend swan

oh

the old blind guy who runs the station

keeps it open 24 hours a day seven days

a week oh blind guy is celebrating his

80th birthday tonight young fella

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who the hell are you

uh

i'm the guy that's here to collect the

money

give me your gun

i don't have one

you come to get money for me and you

ain't even packing

give my regards to the big bearded guy

you don't mean santa claus do you

god

gas

if it's you jose [ __ ] off and don't call

back everybody else please leave a

message

josie pick up

josie josie are you there we have a real

problem here pick up

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oh

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[Music]

feels

[Music]

because

gosh

cass

cass you there

oh my god

what happened what are you doing here

what

the station's closed

our alibi so i came here and then i died

first

calm down what the hell happened bastard

pulled a gun on me and he was gonna

shoot me and i grabbed the gun and it

went off accidentally okay no biggie no

biggie i conked him on the head with the

face

all right he's gonna wake up any minute

now

well guys

i think i made a big mistake

did you call the cops i i put them in

the septic tank

who

the corpse

what corpse the reverend's corpse

the reverend wasn't a corpse when i left

him charlie but there was blood i mean i

saw blood it's my blood

he shot me through the leg looking cling

through the muscle

oh my god

why didn't you answer when i called you

i was in the bathroom cleaning the wound

well i i checked his pulse i mean well

maybe i missed it i mean 17 you missed

it

what

can't we get him out of the tank oh yeah

how long has he been down there

breathing liquid [ __ ] ten minutes tops

what

i thought i said no matter what stick to

the [ __ ] plan well you know there

wasn't anything in the [ __ ] plan

about the blind guy's birthday and the

reverend in a pool of blood

let's just calm down okay what about

what about you don't you need a doctor

yeah slightly more pressing matter to

tackle first

what are you doing

he's crying

[Music]

jesus gus he's crying for what we've

done for our sin

jesus

know mary full of grace

[Music]

god

damn it

is that part of your plan huh after you

kill someone you take a nice hot bath i

didn't kill anybody first of all second

i don't go around praying to leaky

ceilings

well you know what guys i'm i'm having a

tough time here okay i just drowned a

man of the cloth in crap

maybe i should just turn myself in no no

no nobody is turning anybody in okay now

did you know the priest was alive when

you killed him

no there you go then

how how could we have thought of

reverend would have 200 000 in cash

the average household savings of an

american couple between 35 and 50 is

fifteen thousand two hundred and fifty

six dollars

charlie charlie

shut up

never return to the scene of the crime

it's jose's card i left it by the phone

rule number five if your partner turns

out to be an idiot forget rule number

four

it's gone

got it

shouldn't we be going

aren't you just a little curious

look right there

this beauty huh

look at this

this is for you all right

she's an actress right shut up all right

i'm gonna carve your face up huh

shut up

if i didn't know better you know what

i'd say this looks like

shut up

snuff

holy moly

who says holy moly is it important right

now

this is why he was so keen to cop a deal

cause he's part of a snuff film ring

this is getting way too big all right we

gotta call the police what are we gonna

tell them we're doing here

look if they find the body they're not

gonna find the body all right the septic

tank was genius look at it this way we

may have saved lives tonight

wait you think he's the oregon

undertaker

who knows but undertaker or not he sure

as hell got what he deserved

charlie charlie wait

you mind if i come in

what

we found the reverend's body

it was an accident no this was no

accident someone

shot him three times in the head

left him in his car by the side of the

road

it's a it's a hard pill to swallow

murder always is

i'm sorry are you certain that it's the

uh reverend smalls oh yeah we got

positive id then who's who's what

who is

safe in this

god-forsaken world family

yeah no

just a friend

a family friend

and your name is steven

stephen hawking

modified

[Music]

we're watching a dvd huh

yeah

no

i mean did you know that dvd sales have

risen by

226 over the last six months

well

no

but i sure am 100 glad to know that

thanks for the factoid

so um

can i can i get you a drink

glass of h2o if you please mr hawking

there's some blood on the floor

mr honking oh yeah i um i broke a vase

and uh

accidentally cut my arm on on one of the

shards

look oh doggie

well that hurts just looking at it

what are you doing just getting a sample

standard procedure of course deputy

garmin detective wood's expecting you

back at the station

copy that detective wood

always breathing down my neck

ain't had a good poke in a while if you

ask me

i'm not asking

but

whatever

well

i better get a move on

what a beautiful night

you could almost touch those stars huh

yep

although even if you were traveling the

speed of light it would take you 1460

days to reach the closest one

is that right

well you are just a walking factoid

factory partner

you have yourself a good night you too

officer

oh

would you mind if i took a gander at

that dvd you were watching

curiosity killed the cat officer

actually in my line of work

cat gets a raise and a promotion

[Music]

my nine-year-old loves this one

especially this part with this singing

cow

[Music]

i got to admit stephen

for a minute there i thought you were

hiding something

[Applause]

kind of looks like something got dragged

here don't

it you want to come with me

i need you to lift this up for me

stephen

officer really you don't want to open it

so much for the raisin the promotion

officer

there we go

see i i knew colombo here come back for

the dvd

okay

what do we do with him i have a better

question who is in the septic tank how

do i know check the papers in the

morning see who turns up missing and

then what gus we killed somebody oh now

you killed somebody well you you

kidnapped a cop oh yes

yes i did what do you propose i'm

turning myself in

well you realize they'll they'll charge

you with the real reverend's murder i

have nothing to do with that so what do

they care makes it all nice and neat for

him no messy loose ends i bet good money

they'll be all gosh darn it weed

unfinally caught us the undertaker

you'd be spitting firing crying sparks

in no time enough okay let's not make

this any worse than it is charlie how

could this be any worse

you're not going anywhere

what you're gonna shoot me gus

i got a family too charlie

i am not going to jail

i am going to shoot you charlie

no you're not

yes i am

no you're not yes i am

[ __ ]

i i knew you would

i wouldn't do that

who the hell are you considering that i

live here young man i think the question

is

who the hell are you

it's it's not what you think mrs smalls

we're not burglars

look

we have some terrible news your husband

the reverend has

has passed on

considering i went through the trouble

of putting three bullets in his head i

should certainly hope so

mrs smalls

you have the right to remain silent

anything you say

so you killed him i spent years turning

a blind eye to that perverts uh

shall we say filmmaking aspirations

max and i felt we deserved a share of

his benefits

who's max

a real man

we're meeting here and then we're going

somewhere where we'll never worry about

anything ever again

um

what

i think he may already be there

what are you talking about

he never would have left without me

didn't really have a choice it was an

accident okay would you shut up why

don't you both shut up

all right

where's the money

sorry

what money oh come on two million

dollars in cash doesn't just vanish too

yeah where is it

oh dear

i guess i'll just have to count to three

one no mr smalls don't tell the word we

don't know i swear to god two tell her

well i'll be

i haven't heard pink floyd in years

well paw time to fire up the old septic

tank oh by the way anyone care to tell

me what happened exactly

sure

you see charlie drowned the reverend who

he thought was dead even though he

wasn't in the septic tank turns out he

wasn't even the real reverend meanwhile

the actual reverend was being murdered

by his wife mrs smalls the woman whose

head you just split with an axe stellar

timing by the way oh you won she also

just confessed to planning to run away

with her lover max recently deceased

thanks to charlie and the two million

some odd dollars her husband the

reverend raised from his side venture in

shooting and selling snuff films okey

dokey

ruby

groovy

three people died tonight josie

in this business unfortunately death is

an occupational hazard and by the way

way to go using my name in front of the

cop

charlie

hey hey look um

i can help

i'll testify that i heard mrs smalls

confessed to killing her husband

and as for miss smalls herself

well she was threatening the life of a

police officer

but what about the guy in the tank

you killed him by accident you wouldn't

do much time at all

five years tops

oh my god

well that doesn't suck

i have to hand it to you

that was a brilliant plan after all

can you believe it we're rich

you guys can keep my share

i'm gonna turn myself in if i go to jail

i go to jail don't be ridiculous you

earned this they're just gonna hunt us

down like animals gus with this kind of

money you can disappear and never be

found i have a wife and daughter i don't

want to disappear no okay fine gus and

i'll leave the state and we'll just drop

you in the deputy in the middle of

nowhere how's that sound now shouldn't

we get rid of the deputy what oh yeah

good thing ken since he's the only one

who can testify we're innocent of the

murders dumb dumb okay miss teen

oklahoma then how come

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

got

[Music]

[Music]

hold his hat

[Music]

my friend here decided to surrender so

we're gonna drop you both somewhere it's

nice and say goodbye

you're making a big mistake

let's get out of here

wait wait

i gotta go pee

please

wait

they're handcuffs in your dreams

there are certain requirements

[Music]

there

enjoy

i'm sorry

i can't go if you're um

watching could you just close

stage fright

happens to the best of us

[Music]

[Music]

one minute warning

you dropped this

no i can explain ah

get up partner what the hell's the

matter with you look look it's a flight

to vegas 8 a.m tomorrow funny right

considering we're supposed to meet at

noon to split up the money that [ __ ]

broke my nose well you better have a

real friendly explanation all right okay

i lied about thais needing a cordial

transplant all right she's fine

i owe my wife 300 000 bucks

i'm sorry i owe my ex-wife 300 000 and

because of that snake of a lawyer of

hers there is a restraining order

against me until i pay up i have not

seen or talked to my daughter in two

years why didn't you just tell me would

you have helped of course not well there

you go then

oh my god

there goes our alibi uh-uh freaking

fantastic

don't you see none of us has to run away

or turn ourselves in what do you propose

we roam the country living on the land

like bonnie and clyde and clyde no first

we take the cop's car and crash it into

a tree up the road

then we take him and the reverend's wife

and put him in her car and then we push

it over the cliff at gross point yeah

but they find the car in a couple of

days yeah and with the forensic figure

that the deputy was driving under the

influence of alcohol crashed into a tree

flagged down another car driven by mrs

smalls took control of the wheel and and

drove them off a cliff and and the

wounds i mean they'd be more than

covered up by the crash so the reverend

gets murdered on the very same night

that his wife gets driven off a cliff by

a drunken cop what about that doesn't

sound very accidental you know he has a

point for once

okay

um

okay then we plant mr small's gun in the

car with them

they figure out it was the weapon that

killed the reverend

they think

maybe she had an affair with the deputy

maybe they decide to off the poor

reverend and then you know maybe they

had an accident

that's a hell of a lot of maybes

let's hear your bright idea then boss

ah

all brought sure liked your food

fancy body bags

you're sitting here eating a lollipop i

didn't have any dinner i need the sugar

oh

are you okay yeah yeah let's just uh get

this done

the hands on the bevel

scared like a child

and god holds your level

for what you've done

[Music]

you can't believe

[Music]

[Music]

rats in the attic

[Music]

[Music]

now do we

no we don't want to go back in time now

do we

actually it's only by going faster than

light that one could even theoretically

go back in time

yeah do me a favor shut the [ __ ] up

you seem to have some serious

stress-related issues you're not

canadian by any chance are you what what

what

well the 2003 statistical report on the

health of canadians states that 62

percent of workers hell is wrong with

you you keep pulling these random

ridiculous facts and stats out of your

ass and it's like

nobody really gives a [ __ ] guys jesus

christ man you know charlie here's a

nifty little stat for you for a guy that

knows everything about everything to get

a job in a call center you have to be

bar none the biggest loser i have ever

met in my life and i'm from las vegas

[Music]

you ever hear of a neurotransmitter

called acetylcholine

a what called what it's the chemical

your brain uses for memory

dummy

does it yeah that's exactly right

see the reason i lost my teaching job is

i have this disorder typified by a

gradual acute neurodegeneration of the

cerebral cortex or if that's too pulled

out of my ass for you i'm slowly losing

my memory

are you making this up

the doctors think that in a year or two

my mind will be a total blank so the

only thing i could do to slow things

down is to keep working my memory as

much as possible

do you remember what's in the blue bag

what blue bag

geez guy i am i'm really sorry i you

know

it does

what's the greek word for [ __ ]

[Applause]

are you [ __ ] crazy he lied to us

again he doesn't have a daughter you

probably don't even have an ex-wife

is everyone okay in there

we're fine

everything everything's fine

so thanks for coming over i think we

should call the police don't you wha

no come on let's not bother them you

know they got a lot on their plate and

you're fine your car's fine so yeah but

i'm pretty sure that standard procedure

isn't it

i'll be honest with you ass i don't give

a rat's ass about standard procedure

okay so here why don't you uh let you

pack your fat ass back in your car okay

and and go buy yourself as big a

sandwich as your heart desires right

that's stan enough procedure for you

your trunk is open what

are you all going on a trip somewhere

sure looks like you're packed for a long

one is that your entire wardrobe you got

in there it's a couple of dead bodies

that was a good one that was great i'm

glad you liked it

oh geez

oh it's time for old stingy

wait what

oh it's insulin

whatever

freak show

son of a [ __ ] charlie granted i lied

but i have a responsibility towards

myself right when i got out of prison i

swore what

you were in prison

for what i kind of

convinced some people to invest in some

businesses that weren't actually

technically in existence anything else

you forgot to mention sociopath oh come

on aren't you overreacting like a little

bit overreacting i happen to be a very

good con man

all right that's my talent what do you

want me to do waste it

you don't go around using it on your

partner's jerk you know i bet guts isn't

even your real name is it

what is it don't no no really i i'd love

to know my mother god rest her soul

is

oh

[Applause]

maybe she jumped out of the trunk along

the way somewhere she didn't jump out of

any trunk

she's [ __ ] dead

did you check her pulse uh no

why didn't you check her goddamn pulse

because charlie stupid me i assume that

when you have an axe lodged in your

skull your pulse tends to pot him out on

you well maybe you shouldn't assume so

much all right just settle down kids all

right

all that matters now is that we find her

before someone else does right

try to keep it on the road this time hey

[ __ ] you [ __ ] you both when people ain't

sucker punching me in the eye my driving

is just perfect thank you very much

[Applause]

want me to check her pulse

charlie hi honey

what are you doing here

what what are you doing here

well

we received an anonymous call reporting

a body in the middle of the road well we

just ran over it

hi

i'm josie mcbroom i thought you were

having a drink with your supervisor

technically i'm junior supervisor but

they did place charlie under my tutelage

oh

and you must be uh penelope wood

penelope detective penelope would of

course charlie has told me

a lot

about you did he mention that he has a

little girl and that i had to bring her

with me emily's here because there was

nobody home to look after her

now what happened exactly

well

we were driving into town

and all of a sudden bang you know we ran

over this body here i mean there was

nothing i could do to avoid her no one

no one could have you know i swear she

just popped out of nowhere

and you are who me i am uh gus

got sticking some name

co-worker charlie's

who are you calling

my deputy

aren't you gonna answer that

uh-uh

it's probably just my ex-boyfriend

freaking stalker you know

deputy garmin detective wood here you

need to report in immediately

detective wood

where

[ __ ]

the eye is at the station the what all

right

i want you all to follow me down there

i'm gonna need your statements can that

wait till tomorrow cause like i'm sure

it'll be a lot more productive if we'd

had like a good night's sleep right

you might have mentioned the part about

your wife being a detective

shut up

yeah gus

you might have mentioned the part about

not really owing alimony to your

imaginary ex-wife and your imaginary

daughter not really going blind touche

everyone this is special agent chester

hines

well

can you beat this

my friends with the bodies in the trunk

what

it's an inside joke we uh ran into each

other earlier how do you do it

i'm ready when you are charlie can you

look after emmy for a second you two

follow us

we're screwed nobody's screwed if we

just keep our story straight we had a

few beers at gus's place that's the end

of it

got it

got it

gus

we're screwed oh come on you really

think special agent hippo is gonna

figure anything out more than where to

find a really great buffet

these we can deduce that mrs smalls

would be killer

presupposed her already dead when she

was transported by automobile

are you all right mr dickinson

um yeah yeah i'm just this is a

first dead body for me so and i drunk

beers at my place

other than the axe wound which judging

from the angle of entry came from a much

shorter person possibly female nothing

here indicates any sort of fisticuffs

ever took place

i can safely say

that the mrs smalls murderer can be

found within this very room

what

the just a figure of speech what i mean

to say is her body will tell me who her

killer is after a more thorough

examination

however

i can hazard a name right now

please do i'm sure it will come as no

surprise

that her killing

is none other than

the oregon undertaker

well we all could have figured that out

agent heims

indeed

[Music]

uh

[Music]

ah

everything's gonna be okay sweetie

[Music]

hey so uh i guess i'll take emily home

why don't you leave her here with me

yeah but i i can easily good night

wait

you're not going anywhere little lady

not without your coat

would anyone care to say something just

take me home

no way we got a dead cop to ditch first

what i don't i don't care about the cop

okay i don't even care about the money

anymore i just want to go home and

pretend this never happened

yeah it hasn't exactly been a

run-of-the-mill night on the town has it

all i wanted was to take care of my

family

okay charlie

the sooner we dispose of the deputy's

body

the sooner you can get started on your

pretend happily ever after how does that

sound

come on sweetheart

it's time to go home

oh charlie

[Music]

[Music]

you sure he'll actually sink in there

absolutely

you done this before never unrefined

unheated tar has a viscosity grade of

250 000.

so what does that mean

he won't sink oh he'll sink

it might take a week or so but he'll

sink

wow

better get started then

[Music]

hold it

[Music]

he followed us i figured it would be a

little more expedient than listening to

a heap full of bull pucky testimony

i guess i was right just like always

okay listen um

agent hymes

you let us go

and there's a million dollars with your

name on them

uh you're offering a federal agent a

bribe

thanks little lady

guys

come over here for a sec would you

tell me i'm fat

i was joking i want to hear you tell the

fat guy how fat he is

i was kidding all right

you might be a little on the heavy side

you know but it's nothing that a few

centuries jogging can't fix

son of a [ __ ] sorry did that [ __ ] all

right

the official version is that gus here

attacked me during an arrest and i was

defending myself stupid war

the official version is the ghost trip

that fell on his face during the arrest

okay okay look there's two million

dollars in a bag in the car it's all

yours just take it wow

can you beat that

one million just became two million and

people said this economy would never

bounce back

[Applause]

shoot him in the [ __ ] eye shoot him

shut up wake wake don't move

i know who you are

what

i thought you look familiar

fellas

your accomplice here is lucy broom aka

lucy mcjoseph aka josie mcpro

what are you talking about

you're the wyoming widow

what

gentlemen

the wyoming widow's mo is always the

same

she seduces an unsuspecting fellow

she fornicates with him

and then she offers up a little sip of

whiskey the poor sucker never lives long

enough to realize that he also just

drank highly concentrated valium yeah

even watching too many soap operas agent

times

[Music]

you're not actually believing this crap

are you they say

that she always keeps a trusty flask on

her person

just in case the next bug flies into our

web

oh come on

he's just making this crap up to save

his ass i could have sworn i felt one

inside of a coat pocket back at the

station

[Music]

empty your pockets josie

charlie

[Music]

holy [ __ ]

you planted this in my coat back at the

station didn't you oh no no i didn't i

swear to god i didn't this isn't mine

he is lying he is lying

take a drink

oh

take a sip josie

there

oh yeah

josie

oh my god oh god josie josie

josie come on cut it out

you were so pathetic that was not funny

[Music]

you dumb [ __ ] i told you he's just

trying to mess with us [ __ ] [ __ ]

[Music]

[Music]

so

[Music]

m

[Music]

[Music]

jesus

i think that belongs to uncle sam

now hold on we're on the same side here

chester

i'm an agent too

when the hell did you take that off me

back at the station

listen

here's the thing gus

there's a friend of mine an agent one of

the best

he's been protecting the innocent for a

long time now

and uh

well he's gotten fed up with working his

ass off for

ungrateful morons who call him fatty

the pat on the back if things go right

or the stars and stripes on this coffin

if they don't

it just doesn't cut it anymore

i have two million here all right and

believe me when i say no one will ever

claim it tell your friend there's a

million for him and a millionaire about

2 million for him

and nuts for you oh come on jetty

we're partners here you insult me gus

you're not even a real criminal

you're just a small-time crook

who got shot twice in the chest

resisting arrest

listen i have a daughter

tais

and um please

that's greek for beloved

you shot me

that's the first truth thing you've said

yet

[Music]

[Music]

what took you so long

[Applause]

[Music]

so

[Music]

so

mommy

it's all right sweetheart

get back to sleep

wait

you know i can't eat this much sugar

you shouldn't do this like you shouldn't

have killed gus keep eating

this was a backstabber

he told me he was gonna kill you and

make off with the money

that's why i killed him

i saved your life i'm telling you the

truth 89.9 of all u.s government agents

can beat a lie detector

wait

this isn't right charlie you know this

isn't right

your wife is an officer of the law shut

up shut the [ __ ] up

oh god

please

god we really did it huh

what

we really turned into monsters

oh charlie

oh come on

i say it was worth it

let's get the body in the car i'm sure

it's heavy enough to sink now no wait

there's still one passenger missing

he said you wanted to pretend none of

this ever happened

one sip of this

you can kiss all your worries goodbye

the wyoming widow

but i saw you drink it

never far from my trusty flasks

brilliant yeah after all

i was miss teen wyoming

now obviously i can't let you go and

risk having you report me

and [ __ ]

2 million does sound a heck of a lot

nicer than 1 million

you were right penny what's that

penelope always said money won't make

you rich i just

i just didn't believe her

you do seem like a genuinely decent guy

charlie

i'm real sorry i got to do this

hey you don't have a choice do you no i

don't but you do

you want me to shoot you

or you want to go for the whiskey

did hans say you used oh concentrated

thallium

much quicker than the cyanide

any last words charlie

don't spend it all in one place

[Music]

what

what

[Music]

to you

[Music]

charlie penelope and emily can't come to

the phone right now please leave us a

message

this is a message for charlie wood

charlie my name is samuel koenig i'm

senior vp of barstow publishing

self-help division here in seattle

listen i'm calling in regards to this

book you've sent us build a better brain

and beat the big nothing it seems to me

like it's a no-brainer

yeah seriously though we have an offer

for you uh we certainly think you'll be

happy with it

i've been traveling

[Music]

thing that is

[Music]

[Music]

hmm

[Music]

hi hi

where are you headed as far away from

here as possible

i think that one we can do for you

this must be my lucky day

uh let me just double check something

real quick

so

[Music]

all set

all right

[Music]

and you

[Music]

you know

[Music]

[Music]

again

again

and again

[Applause]

[Music]

something wrong

[Music]

i don't feel

[Music]

to

[Music]

[Music]

on the floor

[Music]

in the sky

[Music]

stars

[Music]

[Music]

just

[Music]

so

[Applause]

um

[Music]

yes

[Music]

just

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

so

[Music]

hmm

[Music]

[Applause]

oh i got him i got it

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

you