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10
00:00:36,020 --> 00:00:39,281
Look at this, Brian.
Genderless baby announcement.
11
00:00:39,282 --> 00:00:41,041
"It's a they."
12
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,450
Good for they.
13
00:00:42,451 --> 00:00:45,695
I'm getting my friend
a birthday card in Spanish.
14
00:00:45,696 --> 00:00:47,956
But he doesn't speak Spanish.
16
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:53,244
Oh-ho-ho-ho, he's not gonna
know what it says.
17
00:00:53,245 --> 00:00:56,131
- Oh, you're bad.
- I know.
18
00:00:56,132 --> 00:00:58,725
I think I've earned whatever
misshapen Reese's product
19
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:01,377
is by the cashier.
20
00:01:01,378 --> 00:01:03,921
Oh, my God, Brian, look--
a Fairuza Balk movie.
21
00:01:03,922 --> 00:01:06,066
- Huh, no way.
- Remember last week when I said,
22
00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:07,717
"I wonder whatever happened
to Fairuza Balk"?
23
00:01:07,718 --> 00:01:09,427
- I do.
- And now this.
24
00:01:09,428 --> 00:01:10,720
The world's crazy.
25
00:01:10,721 --> 00:01:12,388
This looks terrible.
26
00:01:12,389 --> 00:01:14,223
You need to get
out of here, Brian.
27
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:16,392
The urine-soaked hairs
on the end of your penis
28
00:01:16,393 --> 00:01:18,895
are very off-putting
to the other customers.
29
00:01:18,896 --> 00:01:20,396
That's not urine, that's saliva.
30
00:01:20,397 --> 00:01:22,273
Go on, scoot, get out of here!
31
00:01:22,274 --> 00:01:24,776
Or I'll do the clich�d
pharmacy price check jokes.
32
00:01:24,777 --> 00:01:26,311
You wouldn't dare.
33
00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:29,589
Yes, I need a price
check on extra-small condoms.
34
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:33,284
That's the last thing he'd want announced.
35
00:01:33,285 --> 00:01:36,430
Oh, my...
37
00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:41,268
Can you believe he threw us out?
That's discrimination.
38
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:43,628
It's just like what happened to
those blacks at that Starbucks.
39
00:01:43,629 --> 00:01:44,796
"Those blacks"?
40
00:01:44,797 --> 00:01:46,681
Discrimination
is a scourge, Stewie.
41
00:01:46,682 --> 00:01:48,275
It just makes me so angry.
42
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:49,592
Well, then do
something about it.
43
00:01:49,593 --> 00:01:51,186
You know what?
44
00:01:51,187 --> 00:01:52,446
I will.
45
00:01:52,447 --> 00:01:54,448
I'm gonna throw
a rock at his window.
46
00:01:54,449 --> 00:01:56,524
Oh, hey, Karmann Ghia.
I like those.
47
00:01:56,525 --> 00:01:58,452
All right, here we go.
49
00:02:00,696 --> 00:02:03,623
Thank you, Brian.
That was the last Munich gunman.
50
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,149
You're a hero.
51
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:06,109
A hero?
52
00:02:06,110 --> 00:02:08,611
I-I guess I am a hero.
53
00:02:08,612 --> 00:02:10,988
- Oh, nice! Wonderful!
- Great!
54
00:02:10,989 --> 00:02:12,323
- Way to go.
- Way to go, doggy!
55
00:02:12,324 --> 00:02:15,377
We are gonna throw you
the craziest party.
56
00:02:15,378 --> 00:02:18,880
Do we have a hot two-liter
of closet Pepsi?
57
00:02:18,881 --> 00:02:21,716
We do, and I can bring
Planters peanuts
58
00:02:21,717 --> 00:02:23,793
that were opened
a dozen years ago.
59
00:02:23,794 --> 00:02:27,130
Perfect. And I have
half a graduation cake
60
00:02:27,131 --> 00:02:28,890
we just have to let thaw.
61
00:02:28,891 --> 00:02:31,601
# Party, a Jewish party #
62
00:02:31,602 --> 00:02:33,136
# With lots of old food #
63
00:02:33,137 --> 00:02:35,905
# In a poorly lit room, oy! #
64
00:02:40,569 --> 00:02:42,353
Oh, my God, Peter, look at this.
65
00:02:42,354 --> 00:02:44,981
She actually wore this
to an awards ceremony.
66
00:02:44,982 --> 00:02:47,834
Huh? Oh, yeah, crazy.
67
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:50,170
Unreal.
Peter, look, look.
68
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:51,696
Peter, look, Peter.
69
00:02:51,697 --> 00:02:53,322
Flats.
70
00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:54,916
- Hmm?
- Flats!
71
00:02:54,917 --> 00:02:56,008
Mm.
72
00:02:57,494 --> 00:02:59,754
Look at this picture
of Shailene Woodley.
73
00:02:59,755 --> 00:03:02,516
She's so talented
and overrated and weird.
74
00:03:02,517 --> 00:03:04,926
I love her.
Isn't her haircut cute?
75
00:03:04,927 --> 00:03:06,594
Maybe I'll get my hair
cut short, too.
76
00:03:06,595 --> 00:03:08,212
Wha... N-No. No way.
77
00:03:08,213 --> 00:03:10,023
- I forbid it.
- What?
78
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,267
- You can't forbid that.
- Yes, I can.
79
00:03:12,268 --> 00:03:14,694
That's the one thing men are
allowed to control about women.
80
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,721
That and your uterus
and how much money you make
81
00:03:16,722 --> 00:03:17,923
and also everything else.
82
00:03:17,924 --> 00:03:20,057
- Peter, that's stupid.
- It's a fact, Lois.
83
00:03:20,058 --> 00:03:21,535
The only woman
that's ever looked good
84
00:03:21,536 --> 00:03:23,352
with short hair
is Halle Berry's boobs.
85
00:03:23,353 --> 00:03:24,729
Establishing shot.
86
00:03:24,730 --> 00:03:25,955
- Peter, you can't...
- Establishing shot!
87
00:03:29,785 --> 00:03:31,861
We're here with local hero
Brian Griffin,
88
00:03:31,862 --> 00:03:34,881
who recently foiled a robbery
at Goldman's Pharmacy,
89
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,958
which by the way,
is getting its ass kicked
90
00:03:36,959 --> 00:03:38,626
by the CVS across the street.
91
00:03:38,627 --> 00:03:39,794
Welcome, Brian.
92
00:03:39,795 --> 00:03:41,913
So, what does it feel like
to be a hero?
93
00:03:41,914 --> 00:03:44,248
Well, let me say that
even though I am a hero,
94
00:03:44,249 --> 00:03:45,967
you don't have to call me one.
95
00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:48,303
I'm very comfortable
with "first responder"
96
00:03:48,304 --> 00:03:50,046
or, if you like, "veteran."
97
00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:51,398
So brave.
98
00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,758
How has this incident
changed your life?
99
00:03:53,759 --> 00:03:55,551
It hasn't.
I'm still the same
100
00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:57,678
humble public servant
I've always been.
101
00:03:57,679 --> 00:03:59,147
But there are perks.
102
00:03:59,148 --> 00:04:01,741
This morning, I was honored
by a local business.
104
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:04,560
Thank you, Brian.
105
00:04:04,561 --> 00:04:06,604
And to show our appreciation,
106
00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:08,823
you get the first meal
at Quahog's
107
00:04:08,824 --> 00:04:10,733
newest Sizzler location!
108
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,586
Oh. No.
109
00:04:12,587 --> 00:04:15,112
No, no, no, no, no, no.
110
00:04:15,113 --> 00:04:17,090
- No.
- That's fair.
111
00:04:17,091 --> 00:04:20,076
- Can you at least read what's on this card?
- Sure.
112
00:04:20,077 --> 00:04:23,597
"Sizzler: the worst version
of your favorite meal."
113
00:04:23,598 --> 00:04:25,289
So, what's next for you, Brian?
114
00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:27,434
Well, I'll be at
Barnes & Noble this afternoon
115
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,960
signing copies
of Deepak Chopra's
116
00:04:28,961 --> 00:04:31,295
Seven Spiritual Laws
of Success.
117
00:04:31,296 --> 00:04:34,549
Well, congratulations, Brian,
and thank you for your service.
118
00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:37,093
Coming up,
I get all anxious and weird
119
00:04:37,094 --> 00:04:40,280
when the new good-looking intern
brings me my coffee.
120
00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:43,474
And here's Jeremy
with my go-go juice.
121
00:04:43,475 --> 00:04:44,700
Ha-ha.
122
00:04:48,146 --> 00:04:49,697
Man, my phone's been
123
00:04:49,698 --> 00:04:51,274
blowing up since that interview.
124
00:04:51,275 --> 00:04:53,484
You should hear
some of my voice mails.
125
00:04:53,485 --> 00:04:54,869
Hello, Brian.
126
00:04:54,870 --> 00:04:56,612
This is Barack Obama,
127
00:04:56,613 --> 00:04:59,156
not the hobo
who lives at the wharf.
128
00:04:59,157 --> 00:05:02,285
Um, you did a good job and...
129
00:05:02,286 --> 00:05:03,545
I-I can't read that.
130
00:05:03,546 --> 00:05:04,712
"I'm proud of you."
131
00:05:04,713 --> 00:05:06,122
I'm proud of you.
132
00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:07,623
Thanks for the two dollars.
133
00:05:07,624 --> 00:05:09,292
No way!
134
00:05:09,293 --> 00:05:10,644
Let's hear the next message.
135
00:05:10,645 --> 00:05:12,646
Hey, Brian, it's, uh...
136
00:05:12,647 --> 00:05:13,796
well, it's Shredder.
137
00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:15,315
Remember me?
138
00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,508
I know it's been a while,
but I saw you on TV
139
00:05:17,509 --> 00:05:19,135
and I'm just hoping
we could get together.
140
00:05:19,136 --> 00:05:20,136
I'd love to catch up.
141
00:05:20,137 --> 00:05:22,155
So, uh, uh, call me back.
142
00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,566
- Oh, my God!
- "Shredder"?
143
00:05:24,567 --> 00:05:26,976
He sounds like a ski instructor
with a full beard
144
00:05:26,977 --> 00:05:29,829
who plays average guitar
and never texts me back.
145
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,239
He's a dog I used to run with
146
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,666
back when I was
living on the street.
147
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:34,191
Haven't heard from him
in years.
148
00:05:34,192 --> 00:05:36,077
I'm actually surprised
he's still alive.
149
00:05:36,078 --> 00:05:38,505
He just drank all the time
and tried to get laid.
150
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:40,582
Hard to be friends
with someone like that.
151
00:05:40,583 --> 00:05:41,675
Yes, it is.
152
00:05:41,676 --> 00:05:43,009
You gonna see him?
153
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,201
If I have time.
154
00:05:44,202 --> 00:05:45,536
Wow, The Rock!
155
00:05:45,537 --> 00:05:47,847
Boy, they're coming out
of the woodwork today.
156
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,832
You're angling your phone
so I can't see it.
157
00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:51,076
"Dwayne Johnson."
158
00:05:51,077 --> 00:05:53,377
Only his friends know
that's his real name.
159
00:05:53,378 --> 00:05:55,688
- Still can't see it.
- I'll call him back later.
160
00:05:57,099 --> 00:05:59,191
Ow!
161
00:06:04,106 --> 00:06:06,891
Excuse me, sir, but this is
a private residence.
162
00:06:06,892 --> 00:06:08,702
Peter, it's me.
163
00:06:08,703 --> 00:06:10,945
I got my hair cut.
Isn't it fun?
164
00:06:10,946 --> 00:06:11,896
What?
165
00:06:11,897 --> 00:06:13,230
No, Lois, it's not fun.
166
00:06:13,231 --> 00:06:15,524
You look like Anne Hathaway
in Les Misera...
167
00:06:15,525 --> 00:06:18,569
Don't you ever compare me
to fucking Anne Hathaway.
168
00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:20,213
- Ever!
- You're right, you're right.
169
00:06:20,214 --> 00:06:22,740
I'm-I'm sorry.
170
00:06:22,741 --> 00:06:24,742
With my boobs and your hair,
171
00:06:24,743 --> 00:06:27,344
everybody's gonna think
we're a lesbian couple.
172
00:06:30,749 --> 00:06:32,249
Why'd he want
to meet in the park?
173
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:34,894
We used to live here.
I'm assuming he still does.
175
00:06:48,266 --> 00:06:49,618
Brian, ha!
176
00:06:49,619 --> 00:06:51,435
So good to see you.
177
00:06:51,436 --> 00:06:53,321
Wha... Shredder?
178
00:06:53,322 --> 00:06:54,748
Is it really you?
179
00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:56,157
It's really me.
180
00:06:56,158 --> 00:06:58,442
I-I don't...
What is all this?
181
00:06:58,443 --> 00:07:00,736
Yeah, sorry about
meeting in the park.
182
00:07:00,737 --> 00:07:02,664
It's the only place
I can land this thing.
183
00:07:02,665 --> 00:07:03,998
Uh, Shredder,
I think you pinned
184
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:06,117
Tom Cruise
under your helicopter.
185
00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:08,577
I was hanging on.
I do all my own stunts.
186
00:07:08,578 --> 00:07:10,004
I can't stop doing stunts.
187
00:07:10,005 --> 00:07:11,931
My whole life is a stunt.
188
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,290
Yeah, yeah, we know.
190
00:07:17,796 --> 00:07:19,797
Hey, you want to take
a personality test?
191
00:07:19,798 --> 00:07:21,590
Same answer as always:
no, thank you.
192
00:07:21,591 --> 00:07:22,800
I'm not gonna stop asking.
193
00:07:22,801 --> 00:07:24,185
- I know.
- Good to see you, Stewie.
194
00:07:24,186 --> 00:07:25,761
Good to see you,
Tiny Tom Cruise.
195
00:07:25,762 --> 00:07:27,447
- Thank you.
- He likes to have the last word.
196
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:28,597
Be well!
197
00:07:28,598 --> 00:07:30,366
- See?
- Bye!
198
00:07:34,146 --> 00:07:36,038
# #
199
00:07:47,951 --> 00:07:50,211
Shredder, I-I can't get
my head around all this.
200
00:07:50,212 --> 00:07:52,997
Eh, it took me a while,
too, believe me.
201
00:07:52,998 --> 00:07:55,624
And I go by
George Townshend now.
202
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:57,126
Oh, okay, George.
203
00:07:57,127 --> 00:07:59,003
George Townshend.
204
00:07:59,004 --> 00:08:01,672
- You-you want me to say both?
- I do.
205
00:08:01,673 --> 00:08:03,507
You know how Beyonc�
does the one-name thing?
206
00:08:03,508 --> 00:08:06,486
I do a two-name thing.
It's one more than Beyonc�.
207
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:09,571
Why don't you take her name
out of your filthy whore mouth.
208
00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:13,159
Wow!
How'd you get all this?
209
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,810
I worked my ass off.
210
00:08:14,811 --> 00:08:17,813
I'm a tech entrepreneur, I've
written 11 best-selling books,
211
00:08:17,814 --> 00:08:20,241
and I was the NBC executive
who suggested
212
00:08:20,242 --> 00:08:23,027
we assault the nation
with Chicago-themed programming.
213
00:08:23,028 --> 00:08:25,863
I hear they're working on
Chicago Seinfeld.
214
00:08:25,864 --> 00:08:28,866
What's the deal with
the South Side of this town?
215
00:08:28,867 --> 00:08:30,826
Don't say it, Kramer.
218
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,854
So, Brian, do you want to know
how I did all this?
219
00:08:40,855 --> 00:08:41,979
I really do.
220
00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:46,008
I got neutered.
222
00:08:47,269 --> 00:08:48,677
But why?
223
00:08:48,678 --> 00:08:50,605
Getting neutered
eliminated all distractions
224
00:08:50,606 --> 00:08:53,516
and allowed me
to focus solely on my work.
225
00:08:53,517 --> 00:08:56,519
Sometimes you have to
literally cut out the things
226
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,145
that hold you back.
227
00:08:58,146 --> 00:08:59,873
Man, with no distractions,
228
00:08:59,874 --> 00:09:02,733
I could just spend all day
in here reading.
229
00:09:02,734 --> 00:09:06,254
I love that book Charles Dickens
by David Copperfield.
230
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:08,797
Writing was his real magic.
231
00:09:12,244 --> 00:09:13,744
I just don't understand.
232
00:09:13,745 --> 00:09:15,555
One minute,
I got a hot ginger wife,
233
00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,465
and the next
I'm married to Ron Weasley.
234
00:09:17,466 --> 00:09:20,894
Donna wears a wig, so I've
never even seen her real hair.
235
00:09:20,895 --> 00:09:23,638
But I would imagine it looks
like an old, faded sweater
236
00:09:23,639 --> 00:09:25,732
that needs to be de-pilled.
237
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,567
I haven't touched
Bonnie's hair in years.
238
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,218
It's way high up there.
239
00:09:29,219 --> 00:09:30,928
Well, since Lois did
something to her appearance
240
00:09:30,929 --> 00:09:32,572
that you don't like,
you should do something
241
00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:34,723
to your appearance
that she doesn't like.
242
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:37,652
Quagmire, that is pathetically
shallow and vindictive.
243
00:09:37,653 --> 00:09:39,103
I love it!
244
00:09:39,104 --> 00:09:40,914
I'm gonna make myself
harder to ignore
245
00:09:40,915 --> 00:09:43,232
than an amateur photographer.
246
00:09:43,233 --> 00:09:44,309
Okay, this is hilarious.
247
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:45,734
So I'm sitting
in my office at work
248
00:09:45,735 --> 00:09:47,253
when the fire alarm goes off...
250
00:09:48,330 --> 00:09:49,738
Um, what-what,
what was I saying?
251
00:09:49,739 --> 00:09:50,982
Fire alarm.
252
00:09:50,983 --> 00:09:52,575
Right, right, right, okay.
This is so funny.
253
00:09:52,576 --> 00:09:54,093
So, the fire alarm goes off...
255
00:09:55,453 --> 00:09:56,838
Hey, hey, friend?
256
00:09:56,839 --> 00:09:58,264
Friend? Friend?
257
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,125
Can-can you just...
n-not-not right now?
258
00:10:01,126 --> 00:10:02,268
Now, where was I?
259
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,771
- Fire alarm at work.
- Oh, right.
260
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,514
You know what?
Just forget it.
261
00:10:06,515 --> 00:10:08,649
The punch line is it was 9/11.
262
00:10:10,635 --> 00:10:12,861
Well, yeah, it's not funny now.
263
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,192
Scoot over, Stewie.
264
00:10:18,193 --> 00:10:20,361
George Townshend was wrong,
and I'm gonna prove it.
265
00:10:20,362 --> 00:10:22,438
I don't need to get neutered
to be productive.
266
00:10:22,439 --> 00:10:24,607
I'm gonna write
an inspirational book
267
00:10:24,608 --> 00:10:26,275
about my life,
and I'm calling it
268
00:10:26,276 --> 00:10:27,818
The Holy Bri-ble.
269
00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:30,296
- Please don't.
- Here we go, blank page.
270
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,756
World of possibilities.
271
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,635
And you're watching porn.
272
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,044
Oh, my God!
273
00:10:37,045 --> 00:10:39,622
Two clicks and I instinctually
went right to porn.
274
00:10:39,623 --> 00:10:41,457
Maybe George Townshend
was right.
275
00:10:41,458 --> 00:10:43,125
Maybe I am easily distracted.
276
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:44,644
Oh, don't be so hard
on yourself.
277
00:10:44,645 --> 00:10:46,312
It's okay to be
easily distracted.
278
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,147
That's what's
saved Warren Beatty
279
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,982
and Annette Bening's marriage.
280
00:10:51,727 --> 00:10:54,303
Annette, let's have sex.
281
00:10:54,304 --> 00:10:57,156
Or you could watch Blue Bloods
282
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,141
and have a pudding cup.
283
00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:00,951
Hmm?
284
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,331
Mmm.
Go get 'em, Blue Bloods.
285
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,246
Good evening, Lois.
286
00:11:12,247 --> 00:11:14,698
Oh, my God, Peter,
what the hell are you wearing?
287
00:11:14,699 --> 00:11:15,866
Jeans.
288
00:11:15,867 --> 00:11:18,419
Just jeans. You like it?
289
00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:21,514
No. You look like you're going
to a custody hearing in Florida.
290
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:22,706
Oh, really?
291
00:11:22,707 --> 00:11:24,759
Because I think
it's a "fun" look.
292
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,019
Just like your hair.
293
00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:28,262
Okay, I see what you're doing.
294
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:30,881
Good. So we agree
that your haircut is stupid.
295
00:11:30,882 --> 00:11:33,434
What? No.
I love my haircut.
296
00:11:33,435 --> 00:11:35,052
Then I love this look.
297
00:11:35,053 --> 00:11:37,196
As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna add
298
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,941
this free Fandango golf visor
I got
299
00:11:39,942 --> 00:11:42,059
when I snuck in to see
I Feel Pretty.
300
00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:43,519
Fine.
301
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,280
You want a war, Peter?
Let's go to war.
302
00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:47,564
Let's do it.
304
00:11:48,784 --> 00:11:51,235
Tallahassee Family Court
calls Peter Griffin.
305
00:11:51,236 --> 00:11:52,378
Here, Your Honor.
306
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,072
Ho-ho, look who's
all dressed up.
307
00:11:55,073 --> 00:11:57,633
I just want Skylar back!
308
00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:05,040
Tesla, Apple, SpaceX,
309
00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:08,585
Kendrick Lamar,
drone technology, Hemingway.
310
00:12:08,586 --> 00:12:12,065
Wow. That was the coolest
phone call I've ever heard.
311
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:13,215
My life is pretty cool.
312
00:12:13,216 --> 00:12:15,926
Brian, walk with me.
313
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:18,071
You know, I wish I could spend
more time with you today,
314
00:12:18,072 --> 00:12:20,406
but I'm late for
a video conference with
315
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,200
Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega.
316
00:12:24,578 --> 00:12:26,895
Listen, I need to talk
to you about something.
317
00:12:26,896 --> 00:12:29,156
I was thinking about what
you said the other day, and...
318
00:12:29,157 --> 00:12:31,608
- I think you might be right.
- About what?
319
00:12:31,609 --> 00:12:34,087
I've always believed I was
destined for a life like yours,
320
00:12:34,088 --> 00:12:36,071
but something was
holding me back,
321
00:12:36,072 --> 00:12:39,091
and now I realize
it was two things.
322
00:12:40,335 --> 00:12:42,786
- My balls are the things...
- No, I got it.
323
00:12:42,787 --> 00:12:45,305
George Townshend,
I want to get neutered.
324
00:12:46,958 --> 00:12:48,625
I'm proud of you, buddy.
325
00:12:48,626 --> 00:12:49,844
It's gonna be great.
326
00:12:49,845 --> 00:12:51,795
I'll finally be able
to beat that guy
327
00:12:51,796 --> 00:12:53,939
who fights dirty
in my karate class.
328
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,444
Surprise.
329
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,779
Now take this.
330
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:01,138
Hiy...
331
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:03,282
You can't use a sword!
332
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,975
Sensei Dan, he's using a sword!
333
00:13:04,976 --> 00:13:06,910
No swords, guys.
334
00:13:14,152 --> 00:13:16,871
Brian, are you sure
about getting neutered?
335
00:13:16,872 --> 00:13:19,656
I am. You've seen everything
George Townshend's accomplished.
336
00:13:19,657 --> 00:13:21,408
That's the life
I've always dreamed of.
337
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,827
Yes, but how much
do you really know about him?
338
00:13:23,828 --> 00:13:26,163
- Have you read his books?
- Of course I've read his books.
339
00:13:26,164 --> 00:13:27,715
They changed my life.
340
00:13:27,716 --> 00:13:29,625
Look, Stewie,
this is a huge step for me,
341
00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:31,293
and if you can't support me,
342
00:13:31,294 --> 00:13:33,854
well, then maybe I should
cut you out of my life, too.
343
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,649
Brian, that's a closet.
344
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,650
I know. I have stuff
to do in here.
347
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:52,022
Well, nothing left to do
but binge-watch
348
00:13:52,023 --> 00:13:54,691
- Ken Burns' History of Jazz.
- What?
351
00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:03,176
But how did we get there?
354
00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:12,376
Lois, what are you doing here?
355
00:14:12,377 --> 00:14:14,837
Did someone die?
Do I get to go home early?
356
00:14:14,838 --> 00:14:18,173
Well, Peter, since you were
having that jeans fun,
357
00:14:18,174 --> 00:14:20,601
I thought it might be fun
to come by and sell
358
00:14:20,602 --> 00:14:23,938
some of my homemade jewelry
to your coworkers during lunch.
359
00:14:23,939 --> 00:14:26,273
What?
Lois, you can't do that.
360
00:14:26,274 --> 00:14:28,367
Once a guy's wife sells
something in the break room,
361
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,036
no one ever
looks at him the same.
362
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:32,038
Two years ago,
Bentley's wife made him hang
363
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,398
a sign-up sheet
to sponsor her in an AIDS walk,
364
00:14:34,399 --> 00:14:35,899
and we've hated him ever since.
365
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:37,401
Don't look at me, Bentley.
367
00:14:38,403 --> 00:14:39,954
Well, Peter,
all you have to do
368
00:14:39,955 --> 00:14:42,030
is say you like my haircut,
and I'll leave.
369
00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:44,125
- Never.
- Suit yourself.
370
00:14:44,126 --> 00:14:47,128
Everyone,
I'm Peter Griffin's wife.
371
00:14:47,129 --> 00:14:49,371
I took a jewelry-making class
last month
372
00:14:49,372 --> 00:14:51,373
with a group of preschool moms,
373
00:14:51,374 --> 00:14:54,226
and now I'm gonna
do it as a career.
374
00:15:01,426 --> 00:15:03,760
Hey, you want
a half of my sandwich?
375
00:15:03,761 --> 00:15:05,738
Oh. Yeah.
Very cool, Bentley.
376
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:07,931
- Who made this?
- My wife.
377
00:15:07,932 --> 00:15:10,576
- Oh, y-your wife with AIDS?
- She doesn't have AIDS.
378
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,820
She did a walk
for people with AIDS.
379
00:15:12,821 --> 00:15:15,656
But presumably there were people
who had AIDS at the walk?
380
00:15:15,657 --> 00:15:17,107
Yeah, but you can't get...
381
00:15:17,108 --> 00:15:19,126
Yeah, it's a no
on the sandwich, Bentley.
382
00:15:22,664 --> 00:15:24,206
Greetings, Lois.
383
00:15:24,207 --> 00:15:26,333
Oh, my God, Peter,
you're gonna make me vomit.
384
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,243
I'm just getting in some 'cize.
385
00:15:28,244 --> 00:15:31,096
That's what I call
exercise now: 'Cize.
387
00:15:34,676 --> 00:15:36,602
Oh, God, Peter,
please put that thing
388
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,253
in the garage
and change your clothes.
389
00:15:38,254 --> 00:15:39,588
Oh, I'd be happy to, Lois.
390
00:15:39,589 --> 00:15:41,274
But I'm not doing it
because you said.
391
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:43,258
I'm doing it because of
the mean seventh graders
392
00:15:43,259 --> 00:15:45,427
who have been chucking
footballs at me all day.
393
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:48,597
BOY:
There he is!
Let's get that fat dork!
394
00:15:48,598 --> 00:15:50,524
I'm home! Home is safe!
396
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:01,961
I see you found all of
George Townshend's books.
397
00:16:01,962 --> 00:16:03,278
That was fast.
398
00:16:03,279 --> 00:16:05,239
Yep, got my own system.
399
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,466
I call it
"The Stewie Decimal System."
401
00:16:09,494 --> 00:16:13,288
Oh, Stewie, you're gonna make me
spit out my saltwater taffy.
403
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:17,668
Oh, my God!
404
00:16:17,669 --> 00:16:19,836
Brian's in trouble!
405
00:16:19,837 --> 00:16:23,149
Stewie, I've got to have you
around here more often.
406
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:26,276
Oh, I think you'll
find me here... periodically.
407
00:16:27,637 --> 00:16:30,405
There's homeless sperm on this.
408
00:16:37,739 --> 00:16:39,690
- Where are the glasses?
- I moved them.
409
00:16:39,691 --> 00:16:40,983
What? Why?
410
00:16:40,984 --> 00:16:42,168
I moved everything.
411
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,503
All the glasses,
the bowls, the plates.
412
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,364
Nothing is where it's been
for the past 17 years.
413
00:16:47,365 --> 00:16:48,381
Nothing.
414
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:52,511
I'm gonna become a deejay.
415
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,256
I'm going to hire a life coach.
416
00:16:55,257 --> 00:16:57,374
I'm gonna make
one political donation
417
00:16:57,375 --> 00:17:00,335
with your e-mail address
so you'll be screwed for life.
418
00:17:00,336 --> 00:17:03,338
I'm going to rededicate
my life to Christ.
419
00:17:03,339 --> 00:17:04,715
Oh, that's really bad.
420
00:17:04,716 --> 00:17:07,050
I'm gonna start a podcast
that has no focus
421
00:17:07,051 --> 00:17:09,436
and it'll take up
an inordinate amount of time.
422
00:17:09,437 --> 00:17:12,365
I'm going to constantly complain
about my fibromyalgia.
423
00:17:12,366 --> 00:17:14,867
- You don't have fibromyalgia.
- No one does!
424
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:17,853
Every time a waiter tells me
their name, I'm gonna use it.
425
00:17:17,854 --> 00:17:21,540
I'm gonna get really into
Halloween, like, really into it!
426
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,876
Gross. I'm gonna
wear a denim shirt
427
00:17:23,877 --> 00:17:25,902
with the Looney Tunes guys
embroidered on it
428
00:17:25,903 --> 00:17:27,754
to church every Sunday.
430
00:17:31,075 --> 00:17:33,385
Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter.
431
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:41,209
So, what do you think
of my haircut now?
432
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:43,228
It's ugly.
I hate it.
433
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,070
- How you feeling, buddy?
- Good.
434
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,314
Nervous but strangely excited.
435
00:17:53,315 --> 00:17:55,599
I haven't been
totally honest with you.
436
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,076
I was never neutered.
437
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,652
But you're about to be.
438
00:17:58,653 --> 00:18:00,079
What?
No!
439
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,897
Save me, Sensei Dan!
440
00:18:01,898 --> 00:18:04,833
No neutering, guys.
442
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,741
Why are you doing this?
443
00:18:12,742 --> 00:18:14,427
What did I do to you
that was so bad?
444
00:18:14,428 --> 00:18:16,003
You abandoned me.
445
00:18:16,004 --> 00:18:18,246
You promised we'd be there
for each other forever.
446
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:20,174
Then the minute
Peter Griffin came along,
447
00:18:20,175 --> 00:18:21,934
you just got in his car
and left me.
448
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:24,345
I was gonna come back
and get you, and-and then,
449
00:18:24,346 --> 00:18:26,680
and then Trump happened
and-and all that...
450
00:18:26,681 --> 00:18:28,015
Liar!
451
00:18:28,016 --> 00:18:29,966
I've wanted to cut
your balls off for years,
452
00:18:29,967 --> 00:18:32,353
but the fact that you're
choosing to do it yourself
453
00:18:32,354 --> 00:18:34,262
is so much more satisfying.
454
00:18:34,263 --> 00:18:36,357
But I'm not choosing
to do it myself.
455
00:18:36,358 --> 00:18:37,933
I love my balls.
456
00:18:37,934 --> 00:18:39,826
They smell awful.
460
00:18:54,659 --> 00:18:56,284
Stay back!
461
00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:59,663
Stewie.
Y-You saved me.
462
00:18:59,664 --> 00:19:01,331
Oh.
463
00:19:01,332 --> 00:19:03,625
- Well, almost.
- What is it?
464
00:19:03,626 --> 00:19:05,478
Oh, my God, they got one!
465
00:19:05,479 --> 00:19:07,480
Or you still have one.
466
00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,815
Maybe you should be
a scrotum half-full guy.
467
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,558
How did you know
what he was doing?
468
00:19:11,559 --> 00:19:13,677
I read his book.
469
00:19:13,678 --> 00:19:15,637
"There is no greater motivation
470
00:19:15,638 --> 00:19:17,764
"than the destruction
of an enemy,
471
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,401
"and my enemy is Brian Griffin.
472
00:19:20,402 --> 00:19:23,570
"One day, I will convince him
to cut off his own balls,
473
00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:26,314
and that will be
my greatest accomplishment."
474
00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:28,483
You said his books
changed your life,
475
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:30,169
but you didn't even read them.
476
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,320
This is why you're nothing.
477
00:19:32,321 --> 00:19:34,156
I'm sorry, okay?
478
00:19:34,157 --> 00:19:35,249
Yes, I abandoned you.
479
00:19:35,250 --> 00:19:37,200
And I didn't go back
to find you.
480
00:19:37,201 --> 00:19:38,994
I'm a bad friend, I admit it.
481
00:19:38,995 --> 00:19:41,514
But did you ever think
that you should be thanking me?
482
00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,540
Thanking you?
For what?
483
00:19:43,541 --> 00:19:45,184
For everything you have.
484
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:48,521
Your hatred for me is what
motivated you your whole life.
485
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:51,098
Without me, none of this
would've been possible.
486
00:19:51,099 --> 00:19:52,399
I made you.
487
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,694
You've already got
one of my balls.
488
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,937
Isn't that enough?
489
00:19:56,938 --> 00:19:58,864
You know what, Brian?
490
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,724
It is enough.
491
00:20:00,725 --> 00:20:02,943
You'll probably keep it
in a trophy case or something.
492
00:20:02,944 --> 00:20:04,895
Oh, no.
I ate it already.
493
00:20:04,896 --> 00:20:06,563
Dogs are gross.
495
00:20:10,118 --> 00:20:12,545
Thank you, Stewie.
You really saved me.
496
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:14,547
My pleasure, Brian.
497
00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:16,957
Well, the good news is
we can give you a prosthetic.
498
00:20:16,958 --> 00:20:18,575
The bad news is
499
00:20:18,576 --> 00:20:21,720
it's one of the bells
from a jester's hat.
500
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,222
There's no brain activity,
501
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,391
so we're gonna
harvest his bells.
502
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,967
We understand.
503
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:28,394
Why did the king
504
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:31,312
have to hit him so hard?!
505
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,765
So, anyone want to ask me
about my week?
506
00:20:41,766 --> 00:20:44,617
Kind of a big week
for the Megster.
507
00:20:45,987 --> 00:20:48,605
Big envelope in the mail.
508
00:20:48,606 --> 00:20:51,399
Yep, early admittance.
509
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,777
Day one, August 26,
clean slate.
510
00:20:53,778 --> 00:20:55,111
Closing credits.
511
00:20:55,112 --> 00:20:57,498
Congratulations on Bowdoin, Meg!
512
00:20:57,499 --> 00:21:00,283
- Closing credits!
- Oh, we're done?
34630
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