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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,767 --> 00:00:02,940 One, two. One, two. (CLEARS THROAT) 2 00:00:02,975 --> 00:00:03,982 Hello, I'm Jordan. 3 00:00:04,017 --> 00:00:05,523 Best stand-up comic this side of Mars. 4 00:00:05,558 --> 00:00:07,231 Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars, 5 00:00:07,266 --> 00:00:09,476 but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed. 6 00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,607 (MUTTERING) Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh... 7 00:00:11,642 --> 00:00:13,940 - Two, two. Is this thing on? - Yeah, it's on. 8 00:00:13,975 --> 00:00:15,934 No... I know. It's a bit. 9 00:00:16,792 --> 00:00:18,256 The "is this on" thing, 10 00:00:18,391 --> 00:00:21,100 to imply that the audience weren't laughing. 11 00:00:22,141 --> 00:00:24,190 Best thing about doing stand-up in space? 12 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,433 Literally no pressure. 13 00:00:27,059 --> 00:00:28,899 - Is this thing on? - Yup. 14 00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:30,558 No, I know it's... 15 00:00:32,083 --> 00:00:33,915 And then I'll plug the beer. 16 00:00:34,433 --> 00:00:38,065 And... when I first took this gig on, 17 00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,689 they told me that I needed 18 00:00:39,725 --> 00:00:41,767 enough material to cover the first half of the journey, 19 00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:45,095 so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters. 20 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,543 Is that funny? 21 00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:48,607 - Or is that too much maths? - "Math." 22 00:00:48,642 --> 00:00:50,607 - (LOUD BANG) - (METAL CREAKING) 23 00:00:50,642 --> 00:00:51,940 MAN 1: I can't look! 24 00:00:51,975 --> 00:00:53,273 WOMAN 1: God! That's not good. 25 00:00:53,308 --> 00:00:56,356 - MAN 2: It's shit. - It's all shit! 26 00:00:56,391 --> 00:00:58,429 Hey, maybe they heard your set. 27 00:00:58,465 --> 00:01:00,106 (LAUGHS) 28 00:01:00,141 --> 00:01:02,017 ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 29 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:09,525 Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com 30 00:01:17,308 --> 00:01:19,850 Captain, you ready to do this? 31 00:01:21,475 --> 00:01:23,440 (ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always hoped that my last words 32 00:01:23,475 --> 00:01:24,817 might be better than... 33 00:01:25,017 --> 00:01:26,616 "Fuck me, no." 34 00:01:27,059 --> 00:01:28,975 I don't know how to attach the tether. 35 00:01:29,011 --> 00:01:32,260 There should be an instruction panel right in front of you. 36 00:01:33,017 --> 00:01:34,815 (AMERICAN ACCENT) To attach your safety tether... 37 00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:38,024 - Oh, f... - ...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp 38 00:01:38,059 --> 00:01:39,732 to release the G Catch. 39 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,857 There. That wasn't so hard, was it? 40 00:01:41,892 --> 00:01:43,683 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, you fucking try it. 41 00:01:46,225 --> 00:01:49,017 BILLIE MCEVOY: Okay, it's a spacewalk, so... 42 00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:50,625 walk. 43 00:01:54,642 --> 00:01:58,077 So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at? 44 00:01:58,558 --> 00:02:01,068 - The inside of my eyelids. - Ha. 45 00:02:01,391 --> 00:02:04,183 Ah. There appears to be no floor. 46 00:02:07,683 --> 00:02:11,590 Yes, Captain. You... You really make this look easy. 47 00:02:11,711 --> 00:02:13,815 RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing around like that? What... 48 00:02:13,850 --> 00:02:16,065 - No. Look. He's upright now. - Yes. 49 00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,758 - Uh, no, just gone back. - (SIGHS) 50 00:02:18,794 --> 00:02:20,009 Where are you going? 51 00:02:20,045 --> 00:02:22,356 I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink. 52 00:02:22,391 --> 00:02:25,356 Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise? 53 00:02:25,391 --> 00:02:28,412 "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? 54 00:02:28,809 --> 00:02:30,857 - Or "come back in". - Engineering? 55 00:02:30,892 --> 00:02:32,690 - Present. - Yeah, not you. 56 00:02:32,725 --> 00:02:35,106 Looking at wet suit protocol three now. 57 00:02:35,141 --> 00:02:36,940 Captain Courageous needs to locate 58 00:02:36,975 --> 00:02:40,148 the lateral access valve where it intersects with the... 59 00:02:40,183 --> 00:02:42,356 Intersects with the binary caps 60 00:02:42,391 --> 00:02:44,356 from the lower deck. Did you get that? 61 00:02:44,391 --> 00:02:47,106 All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here." 62 00:02:47,141 --> 00:02:49,940 BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel and turn it off. 63 00:02:49,975 --> 00:02:51,565 Estimate of her velocity, Captain? 64 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,591 - RYAN CLARK: I might actually sneeze. - He can't hear you because... 65 00:02:54,627 --> 00:02:56,423 - well, you know, he's outside... - RYAN: What happens then? 66 00:02:56,459 --> 00:02:58,718 - Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? - Good point. 67 00:02:58,754 --> 00:03:00,633 Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home. 68 00:03:00,669 --> 00:03:01,753 RYAN: Is there one? 69 00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,273 Could you look that up? 70 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,649 - Hola. - Gracias. 71 00:03:05,266 --> 00:03:08,231 Yeah, in other devastating news, 72 00:03:08,266 --> 00:03:10,732 Spike is about to join the auto comms. 73 00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,857 (SCOFFS) The icing on the shit. 74 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:14,565 SPIKE MARTIN: I got you now, buddy. 75 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:18,231 - Whoa! She's a gusher. - Please don't call it "she." 76 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:21,982 Why? That thing's powerful. And I respect it. 77 00:03:22,017 --> 00:03:24,190 BILLIE: (SCOFFS) I'm gonna go check on a valve. 78 00:03:24,225 --> 00:03:25,356 Billie? 79 00:03:25,391 --> 00:03:27,398 Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up. 80 00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:28,815 - Yeah, sure. - RYAN: Billie? 81 00:03:28,850 --> 00:03:32,148 So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three. 82 00:03:32,183 --> 00:03:34,648 It's just a... thing we do. 83 00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:36,315 - MAN: We love you, Spike! - SPIKE: Okay, Captain, 84 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,356 I'm splitting forward protocol three. 85 00:03:38,391 --> 00:03:41,155 It's just... It's a thing we do. Don't worry. 86 00:03:41,796 --> 00:03:43,469 WOMAN: Make way for the shit shooter. 87 00:03:43,505 --> 00:03:47,523 - Oh God, was that me? - It's a little bit of all of us. 88 00:03:47,558 --> 00:03:50,273 Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist, 89 00:03:50,308 --> 00:03:53,024 do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick! 90 00:03:53,059 --> 00:03:54,774 (WHISPERING) I think she's talking to me. 91 00:03:54,809 --> 00:03:57,774 ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 92 00:03:57,809 --> 00:04:00,899 RYAN: Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside. 93 00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:03,024 Would that have been easier at all? 94 00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:05,350 (METAL BANGING) 95 00:04:06,850 --> 00:04:08,899 - Oh! Bugger me. - Oh no! 96 00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:11,523 Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast. 97 00:04:11,558 --> 00:04:14,642 Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them. 98 00:04:15,183 --> 00:04:17,308 And girls. Uh, women. 99 00:04:18,975 --> 00:04:20,940 Not me, though. Mm-mm. 100 00:04:20,975 --> 00:04:22,725 BILLIE: Other way, other way. 101 00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:24,899 (GASPS) 102 00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:28,065 Don't worry, Captain. You got this. 103 00:04:28,245 --> 00:04:30,662 (WHISPERS) I've got this. Turn it this way. 104 00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:33,607 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Of course I've got it! 105 00:04:33,642 --> 00:04:35,440 I was born getting it. 106 00:04:35,633 --> 00:04:38,008 (WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT) I haven't got it. Help me more. 107 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,141 That's it. 108 00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:45,106 ♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 109 00:04:45,141 --> 00:04:47,725 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 110 00:04:48,350 --> 00:04:50,183 - Oh! - Ugh. (SPITS) 111 00:04:52,850 --> 00:04:54,809 (LAUGHING) Yes! 112 00:04:55,683 --> 00:04:58,648 - Yeah! (LAUGHS) - Whoo! 113 00:04:58,683 --> 00:05:00,817 Alan, get me a car to Buffalo! 114 00:05:01,225 --> 00:05:02,440 You're going to the White House? 115 00:05:02,475 --> 00:05:04,440 Oh, yes. Time to do some corporate begging. 116 00:05:04,475 --> 00:05:05,558 - (GASPS) - Yes! 117 00:05:10,225 --> 00:05:12,565 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 118 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,857 (BILLIE LAUGHS) 119 00:05:13,892 --> 00:05:18,024 HERMAN JUDD: There he is! There he is. I believed in you! 120 00:05:18,059 --> 00:05:21,148 Unlike Iris. She already rented out your cabin. 121 00:05:21,183 --> 00:05:22,468 (AMERICAN ACCENT) That was nothing! 122 00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,273 But then, what isn't? 123 00:05:24,308 --> 00:05:27,024 He's so modest, he could almost be British. 124 00:05:27,059 --> 00:05:28,482 Why the fuck did I say that? 125 00:05:28,517 --> 00:05:30,648 (SIGHS) I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental. 126 00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,440 I was very, very proud of how 127 00:05:32,475 --> 00:05:34,815 Captain Ryan followed my direction out there. 128 00:05:34,850 --> 00:05:36,940 You were out of depth on the bridge. 129 00:05:36,975 --> 00:05:40,024 Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position. 130 00:05:40,059 --> 00:05:41,607 - BILLIE: Right, well... - (JUDD YELLS) 131 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,273 - (COUGHING, GAGGING) - (JUDD YELLING) 132 00:05:43,308 --> 00:05:44,732 Fucking balls. 133 00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:46,982 Burn those suits, they smell like hell! 134 00:05:47,017 --> 00:05:49,648 - I can actually hear that smell. - (GAGGING) 135 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,065 MATT SPENCER: Hey, beautiful. 136 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,398 Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth 137 00:05:53,433 --> 00:05:54,774 and turn around to head back. 138 00:05:54,809 --> 00:05:57,440 I know. Time flies. I don't wanna go home, either. 139 00:05:57,475 --> 00:06:00,106 But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party. 140 00:06:00,141 --> 00:06:01,860 MAN: Hey, is... is that true? 141 00:06:02,391 --> 00:06:04,398 Well, it was true when I said it. 142 00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:05,857 Like a marriage vow. 143 00:06:05,892 --> 00:06:07,690 And you just kept this up? 144 00:06:07,725 --> 00:06:10,231 Sure. I mean, we could still have a... 145 00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:12,313 "One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party. 146 00:06:12,349 --> 00:06:14,148 - SPIKE: Yeah, that could work. - Spike gets it. 147 00:06:14,184 --> 00:06:16,398 We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers. 148 00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:18,433 The only other use would be for your funeral. 149 00:06:20,746 --> 00:06:22,440 WOMAN 1: Hey. It's the shit whisperer. 150 00:06:22,475 --> 00:06:24,315 MAN 1: Hey, Benjamin Button! 151 00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,024 WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking. 152 00:06:26,059 --> 00:06:27,065 MAN 2: Frankenfuck. 153 00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,648 MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa. 154 00:06:28,683 --> 00:06:33,106 Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day? 155 00:06:33,141 --> 00:06:34,774 I mean, I know I could. 156 00:06:34,809 --> 00:06:36,809 And I think you should. 157 00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:39,440 Why? 158 00:06:39,475 --> 00:06:41,940 There's just so much to explore, baby. 159 00:06:41,975 --> 00:06:45,106 We have booze. Right? Who doesn't love booze? 160 00:06:45,141 --> 00:06:47,315 And... And four books... 161 00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:50,190 five books here! I mean that's just... right? 162 00:06:50,225 --> 00:06:51,189 All I did was... 163 00:06:52,141 --> 00:06:53,228 And then they... 164 00:06:54,308 --> 00:06:55,350 And the... 165 00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,100 Don't ever sit. 166 00:07:01,141 --> 00:07:03,266 Inflate one thousand balloons. 167 00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,482 I need to vet your materials for this show this evening. 168 00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,815 Oh, wow. So it's true. The show really does go on. 169 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,190 It's in your contract. You'd be doing a show tonight 170 00:07:15,225 --> 00:07:16,648 even if this was a burned-out hulk 171 00:07:16,683 --> 00:07:19,106 full of space junk and dead animals. 172 00:07:19,141 --> 00:07:20,183 So... 173 00:07:21,291 --> 00:07:22,491 Jokes. 174 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:24,548 Do some. 175 00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:26,815 - Okay, what makes you laugh? - Comedy. 176 00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:30,065 - Obviously. - And sometimes tragedy. 177 00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:33,190 Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction, 178 00:07:33,225 --> 00:07:35,440 non-fatal hunting accidents, 179 00:07:35,475 --> 00:07:36,774 waving at someone you think you know 180 00:07:36,809 --> 00:07:39,362 but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing. 181 00:07:39,683 --> 00:07:41,148 Now, make it topical. 182 00:07:41,183 --> 00:07:43,273 Mention "it," but don't mention it. 183 00:07:43,308 --> 00:07:45,299 "It"? That's horrible. 184 00:07:46,354 --> 00:07:47,354 Go. 185 00:07:48,059 --> 00:07:50,517 - Okay, I could start with... - It's not called "sit-down." 186 00:07:59,483 --> 00:08:00,825 I can start with... 187 00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:02,630 "This is some hot shit." 188 00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:05,115 You know it's actually extremely cold in space? 189 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,462 Are you gonna do this the whole way through? 190 00:08:06,498 --> 00:08:09,373 Yes. And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now. 191 00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:14,533 (ENGLISH ACCENT) You see what I did? Did you see... 192 00:08:14,569 --> 00:08:16,921 I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head, 193 00:08:16,957 --> 00:08:19,065 went out there, and fixed a spaceship. 194 00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,156 I know. 195 00:08:20,391 --> 00:08:23,106 I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault. 196 00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:25,148 - Who's Frank? - My husband. 197 00:08:25,183 --> 00:08:27,398 Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him? 198 00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:30,830 He's... He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over. 199 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,732 Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut. 200 00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:34,857 I feel like I could kill and eat a man. 201 00:08:34,892 --> 00:08:38,732 Oh, God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name. 202 00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,065 Okay! So... 203 00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,565 somebody needs some soap for their mouth 204 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,141 and a hot toddy for their mood. Sit. 205 00:08:45,975 --> 00:08:47,499 - (RYAN SIGHS) - Chill. 206 00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:51,982 I just did something, and I don't know what it was. 207 00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:53,857 I don't know what I'm doing. 208 00:08:53,892 --> 00:08:56,398 I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing. 209 00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:57,607 Does anybody know what they're doing? 210 00:08:57,642 --> 00:08:59,523 How does anything work? Does anybody know? 211 00:08:59,558 --> 00:09:01,482 How... I mean who knows how that door works? 212 00:09:01,517 --> 00:09:02,565 KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work. 213 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,690 Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work. 214 00:09:04,725 --> 00:09:05,934 And look at this. 215 00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:08,648 I mean, how am I doing that? 216 00:09:08,683 --> 00:09:12,350 I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that. 217 00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:14,940 - Drink this. - Now you... 218 00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:16,148 See, orifices! 219 00:09:16,183 --> 00:09:19,065 They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it? 220 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,231 You know what's ironic? 221 00:09:20,266 --> 00:09:22,414 I just left a man who can't finish his sentence, 222 00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:25,057 and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up. 223 00:09:25,093 --> 00:09:26,648 (PHONE RINGS) 224 00:09:26,683 --> 00:09:28,273 - Hi. - Hi! 225 00:09:28,308 --> 00:09:29,690 I feel a bit trapped. 226 00:09:29,725 --> 00:09:31,809 Well honey, we're all trapped. 227 00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:37,024 The sky is full of S-H-I-T. 228 00:09:37,059 --> 00:09:39,642 Oh, no. There it floats. 229 00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:41,850 Oh, bollocks. 230 00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:46,417 Oh, can everything just fuck off? 231 00:09:46,809 --> 00:09:49,106 Wait, is that... Was that Captain Ryan? 232 00:09:49,141 --> 00:09:53,315 (STAMMERS) Ah... Oh! Uh... It... It was not. 233 00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:57,648 In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay? 234 00:09:57,683 --> 00:09:59,141 (PHONE HANGS UP) 235 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,440 ♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 236 00:10:03,475 --> 00:10:04,982 MATT: I'll see you all tonight. 237 00:10:05,017 --> 00:10:06,421 Bring your children. 238 00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:09,148 Unless they have behavioral disorders. 239 00:10:09,183 --> 00:10:11,190 And bring them, too. It's a party! 240 00:10:11,225 --> 00:10:12,683 ♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪ 241 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,622 Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited, 242 00:10:19,658 --> 00:10:22,315 but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods... 243 00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:23,440 I don't get overexcited. 244 00:10:23,475 --> 00:10:25,398 I'm always the same fucking level of excited. 245 00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:27,356 - Right, Iris? - Yes. 246 00:10:27,391 --> 00:10:29,398 I'll have another shot of water, please. 247 00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:32,683 All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces! 248 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,106 (YELLS) 249 00:10:36,141 --> 00:10:38,518 IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry. Please enjoy this Judd voucher. 250 00:10:38,892 --> 00:10:40,315 - JUDD: Hey! - I apologize. These are... 251 00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:42,648 - JUDD: You don't need this! - ...valid anywhere on the ship. 252 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,982 Take the French fries. Leave the beer. 253 00:10:45,017 --> 00:10:47,356 I'm so sorry. These are valid everywhere on the ship 254 00:10:47,391 --> 00:10:48,648 - except the golf course. - All right... 255 00:10:48,683 --> 00:10:49,966 Oh, really? Can I get one of those? 256 00:10:50,002 --> 00:10:50,885 Oh! 257 00:10:50,921 --> 00:10:51,886 - Hey. - Hey, Billie. 258 00:10:51,973 --> 00:10:53,312 - You look nice. - So do you. 259 00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:56,273 I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual. 260 00:10:56,308 --> 00:10:57,690 (LAUGHS) "We" just saved the ship. 261 00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:58,899 - What did I say? - Yeah. 262 00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:01,356 - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) - (AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey! 263 00:11:01,391 --> 00:11:03,482 - Come on. Stop that. - Stop. 264 00:11:03,517 --> 00:11:05,607 - Stop it. - Thank you. 265 00:11:05,642 --> 00:11:08,356 - We were just doing our job. - I was just doing my job. 266 00:11:08,391 --> 00:11:10,231 We just did what we had to do. 267 00:11:10,266 --> 00:11:11,690 - I did what I had to do. - Thank you. 268 00:11:11,725 --> 00:11:14,190 Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS) Did you see me out there? 269 00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:16,648 Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out. 270 00:11:16,683 --> 00:11:18,648 I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper. 271 00:11:18,683 --> 00:11:19,982 Who does that these days? 272 00:11:20,017 --> 00:11:22,059 We can delay the start by five minutes. 273 00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:25,815 Are you sure it's safe for me here? 274 00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:28,398 - I'm getting sneering looks. - Oh, honey, relax. 275 00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:30,899 Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan. 276 00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:34,315 Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck. 277 00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:35,732 Listen, with him wearing that, 278 00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:38,024 I guarantee nobody is thinking about you. 279 00:11:38,059 --> 00:11:39,948 (ENGLISH ACCENT) We make a really great team. 280 00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:43,065 You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that. 281 00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,565 (LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know, they were probably 282 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,732 livestreaming the whole thing all over the world. 283 00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:49,899 So right now, I'm probably more famous 284 00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:52,108 than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl. 285 00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,559 - Daniel Radcliffe? - Yeah. 286 00:11:53,809 --> 00:11:55,059 Those two are an item. 287 00:11:55,809 --> 00:11:57,356 - Those two? No. - Yeah. 288 00:11:57,391 --> 00:11:59,523 - Yeah. - No. Nuh-uh. No. 289 00:11:59,558 --> 00:12:00,683 She's not his type. 290 00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,799 I mean, I think he would... 291 00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:05,482 I think he would probably want an older woman, 292 00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,566 you know, a woman who's more, like, mature. 293 00:12:09,059 --> 00:12:10,607 The way I see it, like... (STAMMERS) 294 00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:11,940 twenty-five hundred women on board? 295 00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:13,440 At least seven hundred of them, 296 00:12:13,475 --> 00:12:16,190 I would totally want a consensual meeting with. 297 00:12:16,225 --> 00:12:17,565 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. 298 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,732 I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight. 299 00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:21,774 Just some sweet, sweet informed consent 300 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,273 from a strong autonomous woman... 301 00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:26,398 Hey guys, did you hear that? I... I think that was the sound 302 00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:28,648 of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut. 303 00:12:28,683 --> 00:12:30,024 - It's not. - (MIA EXHALES) 304 00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:34,024 Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell, 305 00:12:34,059 --> 00:12:37,231 so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed. 306 00:12:37,266 --> 00:12:38,607 And it's okay that she said... 307 00:12:38,642 --> 00:12:40,356 - We're... We're separated. - Oh. 308 00:12:40,391 --> 00:12:42,273 They just haven't found me my own cabin yet. 309 00:12:42,308 --> 00:12:43,440 Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) 310 00:12:43,475 --> 00:12:44,482 - We should... - Yeah, we should. 311 00:12:44,517 --> 00:12:46,607 I'll freshen up and see you down there. 312 00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,482 That means he has to have a little cry. 313 00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:49,482 I really don't. 314 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,899 - Shots? - You know, I usually don't drink 315 00:12:51,934 --> 00:12:54,065 because it makes me blunt and opinionated. 316 00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:55,126 As opposed to? 317 00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:56,607 Hey, everyone. 318 00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:58,273 Welcome to the Halfway Home party. 319 00:12:58,308 --> 00:12:59,857 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 320 00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:02,148 Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out 321 00:13:02,183 --> 00:13:04,732 our comedian for the evening. His name's Jordan Hatwal. 322 00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:07,482 He is... (CHUCKLES) ...extremely nervous. 323 00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:09,732 Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him. 324 00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:10,815 Right? 325 00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,315 - WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah. - MAN: Hey. 326 00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,065 - (WEAK APPLAUSE) - Okay. Okay. 327 00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,899 I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous 328 00:13:15,934 --> 00:13:17,315 'cause it was pretty underwhelming. 329 00:13:17,350 --> 00:13:19,065 Let's try it again, right? 330 00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,940 Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal? 331 00:13:20,975 --> 00:13:23,017 (CHEERING) 332 00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:24,857 Okay, okay. 333 00:13:24,892 --> 00:13:27,315 (LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think he can live up to that. 334 00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:28,565 You know, if he was that good, 335 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,549 he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth. 336 00:13:30,850 --> 00:13:32,723 Um... But... 337 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,660 Now that I've lowered your expectations again, 338 00:13:35,892 --> 00:13:38,398 I think you might be pleasantly surprised 339 00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:42,648 by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal. 340 00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:44,972 But before he comes out to win you over 341 00:13:45,266 --> 00:13:47,148 or die horribly, 342 00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:49,982 I want to give a big round of applause 343 00:13:50,017 --> 00:13:52,690 to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark... 344 00:13:52,725 --> 00:13:55,017 - ♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪ - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 345 00:13:56,975 --> 00:13:58,183 (WHOOPS) 346 00:14:01,183 --> 00:14:03,065 - ...and... - Billie McEvoy! 347 00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,141 ...former astronaut Spike Martin. 348 00:14:06,475 --> 00:14:07,475 What? 349 00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,689 - Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go? - Yep. 350 00:14:13,756 --> 00:14:16,024 Listen to him, he's nervous, right? 351 00:14:16,059 --> 00:14:17,648 - AUDIENCE: Yeah! - Yeah! Okay! 352 00:14:17,683 --> 00:14:19,231 Please put your hands together 353 00:14:19,266 --> 00:14:23,482 or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal. 354 00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:26,648 (WHOOPS AND CHEERS) 355 00:14:26,768 --> 00:14:29,513 JORDAN HATWAL: All right. Hey, how you doin'? 356 00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:30,934 Uh... 357 00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,940 I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss? 358 00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:34,523 We're stuck up here for three years. 359 00:14:34,558 --> 00:14:37,065 Okay, guys. That was his first joke, 360 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,565 so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh. 361 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:39,607 Matt, don't... Don't do that. 362 00:14:39,642 --> 00:14:40,982 I'm just... I'm just trying to help. 363 00:14:41,017 --> 00:14:43,607 (LAUGHS) Yeah, it's... it's hard doing, uh, 364 00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:46,184 a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway... 365 00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:48,440 - Ah! I vetoed that angle. - Uh... okay. 366 00:14:48,475 --> 00:14:51,607 Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage. 367 00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:53,398 Right? Is... is that helpful? 368 00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,523 - JORDAN: No. - Yes. 369 00:14:54,558 --> 00:14:56,190 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't... It's not helpful. 370 00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:58,774 Do you want... Do you wanna come up here and do the set? 371 00:14:58,809 --> 00:15:00,024 Sure, yeah. 372 00:15:00,059 --> 00:15:01,940 I wasn't actually asking. (LAUGHS) 373 00:15:01,975 --> 00:15:03,146 Oh, you were joking? 374 00:15:03,517 --> 00:15:05,315 Yep, that was a joke. 375 00:15:05,350 --> 00:15:06,774 That's what I'm here to do. 376 00:15:06,809 --> 00:15:08,940 It's like the joke police over here. 377 00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,774 Anyway, shoehorns... 378 00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:14,141 - pretty weird, aren't they? - (LAUGHS) Yes! 379 00:15:15,017 --> 00:15:15,940 (NADIA GIGGLING) 380 00:15:15,975 --> 00:15:17,148 MAN: Thank you for your service! 381 00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,273 You're real-life heroes! 382 00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:21,732 - NADIA: People loved us. - No, no, no, I'm sorry, no. 383 00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:24,523 I don't get it. I just don't... I don't get this, this... 384 00:15:24,558 --> 00:15:26,607 I arm-wrestled with space 385 00:15:26,642 --> 00:15:29,857 - and I won, so that was me. - Speaking of arms, 386 00:15:29,892 --> 00:15:31,815 - yours are so firm. - Oh? 387 00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:34,815 How do you find gym time in between saving lives? 388 00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,315 (BOTH LAUGH) 389 00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:39,482 (STUTTERS) Well, f... f... firm is my middle name. 390 00:15:39,517 --> 00:15:40,862 What's your first name? 391 00:15:41,183 --> 00:15:43,231 - Colin. - Colin Firm. 392 00:15:43,266 --> 00:15:45,440 Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz. 393 00:15:45,475 --> 00:15:47,303 Oh, is that Italian? 394 00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:48,857 - No, it's actu... - Who cares? 395 00:15:48,892 --> 00:15:49,982 - Okay. - Okay. 396 00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,899 Oh! Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight? 397 00:15:52,934 --> 00:15:56,285 Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen. 398 00:15:56,321 --> 00:16:00,774 He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know, 399 00:16:00,809 --> 00:16:04,523 because back in the day, he put a baby up me. 400 00:16:04,558 --> 00:16:05,899 - Wow! - Wow. 401 00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:09,398 Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years? 402 00:16:09,433 --> 00:16:12,398 Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank. 403 00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:14,732 Next time leave it to the professionals, 404 00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,024 you silly man. 405 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,398 Why can't the Captain be a womanizer? 406 00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:20,065 Or a man-anizer? 407 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,315 He can do what he wants. 408 00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:22,523 I actually don't care at this point. 409 00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:25,523 - Captain Clark is a sex man? - SARAH: He's a dog. 410 00:16:25,558 --> 00:16:27,690 Hey, fuck it. Shall we start a conga? 411 00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:29,024 - (ALL CHEERING) - Let's do a conga. 412 00:16:29,059 --> 00:16:30,482 - Whoo! - Frank, come on. 413 00:16:30,517 --> 00:16:32,940 - NADIA: Allez. - SARAH: Hey, hey, hey. 414 00:16:32,975 --> 00:16:34,982 (SINGING) ♪ He cannot press a button ♪ 415 00:16:35,017 --> 00:16:36,940 - Whoo! - ♪ Doo doo doo ♪ 416 00:16:36,975 --> 00:16:39,246 ♪ He cannot press a button ♪ 417 00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:41,565 MIA: Come on, let's get outta here. Okay! 418 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,607 - SARAH: ♪ He always fucks it up ♪ - NADIA: Fucks it up! 419 00:16:43,642 --> 00:16:45,440 - (MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry. - JORDAN: Oh, check it out. 420 00:16:45,475 --> 00:16:47,190 - (MIA GIGGLING) - (JORDAN CHUCKLES) 421 00:16:47,225 --> 00:16:49,899 Uh, first person that's laughed in quite some time. 422 00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:51,315 Hey, you wanna come back to my place? 423 00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,065 Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it. 424 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,815 - A hole's a hole. - Oh... No, thank you. 425 00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:57,190 I... I have a flight simulation game 426 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:58,982 I would love to play with you. Be an honor, sir. 427 00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:01,398 Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches. 428 00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:02,982 Let's fly some ships. 429 00:17:03,017 --> 00:17:06,356 Uh... So, um... Do you remember the, uh, 430 00:17:06,391 --> 00:17:09,065 the phones that you had to plug in to charge? 431 00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,100 Yes, I do. 432 00:17:10,892 --> 00:17:13,308 Yeah, well, they... 433 00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:15,667 They were, um... 434 00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:20,231 Uh... no. No, that one's gone. 435 00:17:20,266 --> 00:17:21,440 Just give it a second. 436 00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:22,884 'Cause this could be good when you think of it. 437 00:17:23,183 --> 00:17:25,565 - IRIS: They had a cord. - They had a cord, yeah. 438 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,934 I don't think that was the punchline, though. Um... 439 00:17:28,277 --> 00:17:29,618 Promote the beer. 440 00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:31,350 (PHONE RINGS) 441 00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,732 - RYAN: Hey! - You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh... 442 00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:38,440 - we need to talk face-to-face. - Oh, no, no, no. You're talking. You should... no. 443 00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,440 'Cause I called you, so you should really wait. 444 00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:42,815 - Anyway, doesn't matter. - Ryan, we have to tell you something. 445 00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:45,356 - I know, it was impressive... - Now, it's not bad. 446 00:17:45,391 --> 00:17:47,398 (STAMMERS) Wait... What... What do you mean, "bad"? 447 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,945 We love you, but... 448 00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:51,566 we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and... 449 00:17:52,017 --> 00:17:54,315 - with that crazy spacewalk... - RYAN: Ah, yes. 450 00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:56,273 - CRIS:...we can't... - You're looking at a hero, basically. 451 00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:58,648 - We can't take the stress. - The wh... what? 452 00:17:58,683 --> 00:18:00,356 You lose the plot, you lose your slot. 453 00:18:00,391 --> 00:18:04,482 "Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court. 454 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,774 We're getting trivorced. 455 00:18:05,809 --> 00:18:07,631 Two-thirds majority. Motion carried. 456 00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:10,084 - What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? - CRIS: No, sorry. 457 00:18:13,517 --> 00:18:15,982 And then I downed it in one and I threw up on... 458 00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:17,683 uh, on her dress, and... 459 00:18:18,558 --> 00:18:19,798 That was the end of... 460 00:18:20,017 --> 00:18:21,841 end of prom and, um... 461 00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:24,106 that's the first time I had a drink. 462 00:18:24,141 --> 00:18:25,982 Uh, but it was a Judd Light, 463 00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:28,774 and Judd Light is available throughout the ship. 464 00:18:28,809 --> 00:18:31,809 Um, it's, a... a liquid party. 465 00:18:33,809 --> 00:18:36,148 I'm right in here. (GIGGLES) 466 00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:37,397 What are you doing? 467 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:38,469 (MUMBLES) 468 00:18:38,505 --> 00:18:40,106 - What? - Just going in my room. 469 00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:41,857 - Why are you here? - It's my room. 470 00:18:41,892 --> 00:18:43,899 If you're trying to trick us into a foursome, 471 00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:45,575 there's no tricking needed. 472 00:18:45,611 --> 00:18:47,868 This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome. 473 00:18:47,904 --> 00:18:49,988 - I'm easy. - You guys stay here. 474 00:18:51,183 --> 00:18:52,648 MIA: Why'd you bring the peat bog man? 475 00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,982 DOUG: We're going on my flight simulator. 476 00:18:54,017 --> 00:18:55,356 MIA: Well, you need to vacate the room 477 00:18:55,391 --> 00:18:56,732 because I'll be making love everywhere. 478 00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:58,772 Hey, yeah, we could... we could go to yours. 479 00:18:59,308 --> 00:19:01,356 - Can I keep that as a backup? - Oh, sure, yeah. 480 00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,190 Give 'em a minute, see what pans out. 481 00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,857 MIA: Colin Firm, get in here! 482 00:19:04,892 --> 00:19:05,857 What? 483 00:19:05,892 --> 00:19:08,183 Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed. 484 00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:11,024 Come on. Let's just do it quickly. 485 00:19:11,059 --> 00:19:12,148 - MADS: No... - MIA: No, no, no. 486 00:19:12,183 --> 00:19:13,732 - Just do it quickly, before he... - Do it! 487 00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:15,231 - MIA: Who cares about him? - MADS: No no, I... 488 00:19:15,266 --> 00:19:17,148 - Do it! Do it! - MIA: You want it, you want it. 489 00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:18,482 Don't be a pussy, Colin! 490 00:19:18,517 --> 00:19:20,523 (STAMMERS) I'm sorry... I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry. 491 00:19:20,558 --> 00:19:21,857 This reminds me of my last days 492 00:19:21,892 --> 00:19:23,315 on the International Space Station. 493 00:19:23,350 --> 00:19:24,546 That was a scene! 494 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,478 I ruined it for her. 495 00:19:27,725 --> 00:19:29,019 (VOICE BREAKING) So I won. 496 00:19:29,350 --> 00:19:30,648 (SOBS) 497 00:19:30,683 --> 00:19:33,106 So, my last relationship didn't end well. 498 00:19:33,141 --> 00:19:36,273 Uh, but... Well, in some ways you could say it did. 499 00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:38,698 'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well. 500 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,542 Gravity, what a downer. 501 00:19:40,578 --> 00:19:43,565 JUDD: No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No. No. 502 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,565 Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone. 503 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,152 No, hold your applause. 504 00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:50,134 Four people died because of that gravity fail. 505 00:19:50,642 --> 00:19:52,558 Don't joke about stuff like that. 506 00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:57,718 Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well, 507 00:19:57,754 --> 00:20:00,122 'cause of those kind of jokes. 508 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,857 JORDAN: She didn't, she just left me... 509 00:20:02,892 --> 00:20:05,190 I was gonna say a few words later, 510 00:20:05,225 --> 00:20:06,890 but now that "Uhhh" 511 00:20:07,391 --> 00:20:10,148 sucked all the good energy out of the room and just... 512 00:20:10,183 --> 00:20:13,767 flushed it out into space like... (SPLUTTERS) 513 00:20:14,642 --> 00:20:16,059 I'm just gonna read it now. 514 00:20:18,558 --> 00:20:21,106 "As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point, 515 00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:22,448 but we're not halfway. 516 00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:23,774 And yet, in so many ways, 517 00:20:23,809 --> 00:20:25,975 we're more... (SNIFFLES) ...than halfway." 518 00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:28,607 - Iris, who wrote this? - I did. 519 00:20:28,765 --> 00:20:31,167 And is it like this all the way through, or does it get any better? 520 00:20:31,203 --> 00:20:33,506 Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away. 521 00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:35,512 Fuck! 522 00:20:36,308 --> 00:20:37,190 All right. 523 00:20:37,225 --> 00:20:38,899 "Because we've come a long way, 524 00:20:38,934 --> 00:20:40,266 and I'm proud of you 525 00:20:40,513 --> 00:20:41,936 and of me, 526 00:20:41,972 --> 00:20:45,017 and I'm inspired by you and me." 527 00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:47,940 (EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just gonna skip to the end. 528 00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:49,482 - Yep. - JUDD: All right. 529 00:20:49,517 --> 00:20:51,106 "We can do this! We're nearly there! 530 00:20:51,141 --> 00:20:52,515 We're not, but we are!" 531 00:20:52,809 --> 00:20:55,683 (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) 532 00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:03,356 Ever been to Buffalo before? 533 00:21:03,521 --> 00:21:05,402 - (RAV'S PHONE RINGS) - It's changed a lot 534 00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:06,857 since they moved the White House there. 535 00:21:06,892 --> 00:21:08,260 - For a start... - RAV: Shut up. 536 00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,183 Alan, this better not be bad news. I... 537 00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,648 What the fuck is that? 538 00:21:13,683 --> 00:21:16,565 ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some of the, uh, residual matter 539 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,183 hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull. 540 00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:23,183 Okay. Well... 541 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,148 It's a ring of shit. 542 00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:26,398 - ALAN: Mm. - A ring of shit? 543 00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:28,148 Could you just...? Back to the book. 544 00:21:28,183 --> 00:21:30,183 On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore. 545 00:21:31,059 --> 00:21:32,225 Oh, no. There's one. 546 00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:38,231 Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there. 547 00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:40,024 Mmm! 548 00:21:40,059 --> 00:21:41,231 Could I get another one of those? 549 00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:42,523 - WAITRESS: Sure. - BILLIE: Um... 550 00:21:42,558 --> 00:21:46,607 Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings. 551 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,329 All right? Just bury them as deep as you can. 552 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,648 Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball 553 00:21:51,683 --> 00:21:53,079 and then just... (GROWLS) 554 00:21:53,391 --> 00:21:55,815 Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, 555 00:21:55,850 --> 00:21:59,690 but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine. 556 00:21:59,725 --> 00:22:03,356 - You're not a happy drunk. - I'm not a happy anything. 557 00:22:03,544 --> 00:22:05,917 - MAN: You the man! - (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, there. Hey. 558 00:22:05,953 --> 00:22:08,452 JUDD: Is it... Why is the shit still outside there? 559 00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:10,183 (YELLS) Iris! 560 00:22:10,850 --> 00:22:12,398 It's getting thicker. 561 00:22:12,433 --> 00:22:14,059 IRIS: We're... We're working on it. 562 00:22:15,225 --> 00:22:18,356 All right, that's Mr. Judd, everybody. Give it up. 563 00:22:18,391 --> 00:22:19,523 - (FAINT APPLAUSE) - (TAPS MICROPHONE) 564 00:22:19,558 --> 00:22:21,024 - SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on. - I know it's on... 565 00:22:21,059 --> 00:22:23,356 MAN: You're gonna have to compensate us for this. 566 00:22:23,391 --> 00:22:24,857 This is your fault. 567 00:22:24,892 --> 00:22:26,774 I mean, it's Frank's fault. 568 00:22:26,809 --> 00:22:28,273 He hit the big brown button. 569 00:22:28,308 --> 00:22:30,774 - MAN: Yeah. - You mean, shit the button. 570 00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:32,273 See, that's comedy, man. 571 00:22:32,308 --> 00:22:34,398 That right there is comedy, word play. 572 00:22:34,433 --> 00:22:35,648 (CHUCKLES) I love it. 573 00:22:35,683 --> 00:22:38,534 Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit 574 00:22:38,570 --> 00:22:39,899 outside of your room? 575 00:22:39,934 --> 00:22:43,356 (CHUCKLING) The shit is already outside my room. 576 00:22:43,391 --> 00:22:45,231 Okay. Then I'll come take a shit 577 00:22:45,266 --> 00:22:47,315 - inside your room. - (AUDIENCE JEERING) 578 00:22:47,350 --> 00:22:49,899 I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow. 579 00:22:49,934 --> 00:22:51,774 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 580 00:22:51,809 --> 00:22:54,398 We should shit Frank out the airlock. 581 00:22:54,433 --> 00:22:57,315 You hurt him without my consent and involvement 582 00:22:57,350 --> 00:22:59,565 and I will harm you deeply. 583 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,820 (CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out. 584 00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:04,827 - (AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT) - WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah. 585 00:23:05,141 --> 00:23:07,648 - Shit him out! (LAUGHS) - Shit him out! 586 00:23:07,683 --> 00:23:08,899 Shit him out! 587 00:23:08,934 --> 00:23:10,899 JORDAN: Guys, come on, calm down. 588 00:23:10,934 --> 00:23:12,607 - Whoo! Shit him out! - Shit him out! 589 00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:15,273 Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it? 590 00:23:15,308 --> 00:23:16,940 They gave an award to a sparrow. 591 00:23:16,975 --> 00:23:18,148 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have... 592 00:23:18,184 --> 00:23:20,190 Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control? 593 00:23:20,225 --> 00:23:21,690 - Shit him out! - IRIS: When he gets like this, 594 00:23:21,725 --> 00:23:23,607 it's best to just let him wear himself out. 595 00:23:23,642 --> 00:23:26,106 - Security! Shit him the shit... - FRANK KELLY: All right, all right, I understand you're... 596 00:23:26,141 --> 00:23:27,440 ...out of the airlock and into the shit! 597 00:23:27,475 --> 00:23:29,398 KAREN: You need to shut the F up 598 00:23:29,433 --> 00:23:32,440 before I knock you the F... Frank! 599 00:23:32,475 --> 00:23:33,523 - Frank! - Shit him out! 600 00:23:33,558 --> 00:23:36,308 - Frank! Frank! - Shit him out! Shit him out! 601 00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:38,440 Frank! Frank! 602 00:23:38,475 --> 00:23:40,975 Hey! Put him down, he's mine! 603 00:23:41,725 --> 00:23:44,065 No! Stop murdering someone! 604 00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:45,231 Frank! 605 00:23:45,266 --> 00:23:47,183 (CLAMORING AND CHANTING) 606 00:23:47,725 --> 00:23:49,141 Do something! 607 00:23:51,059 --> 00:23:53,815 Well, I guess things are looking up for... Oh, thank fuck. 608 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:56,148 (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 609 00:23:56,183 --> 00:23:58,273 - (MICROPHONE SQUEALS) - (CROWD SILENCES) 610 00:23:58,308 --> 00:24:01,315 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Calm... and I cannot stress this enough... 611 00:24:01,350 --> 00:24:03,482 (YELLS) the fuck down! 612 00:24:04,183 --> 00:24:07,315 Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out. 613 00:24:07,350 --> 00:24:09,308 He was making a joke. 614 00:24:09,517 --> 00:24:10,857 (SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah. 615 00:24:10,892 --> 00:24:13,273 You guys don't understand comedy. 616 00:24:13,308 --> 00:24:14,315 I do. 617 00:24:14,350 --> 00:24:17,356 What I did back there, that was comedy. Idiots. 618 00:24:17,391 --> 00:24:20,231 Uh... right, and the comedy was, may I say, 619 00:24:20,266 --> 00:24:23,732 exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who... 620 00:24:23,767 --> 00:24:26,982 I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid. 621 00:24:27,017 --> 00:24:28,065 (CROWD LAUGHS) 622 00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:29,607 - Oh, come on! - RYAN: Taking his revenge... 623 00:24:29,642 --> 00:24:31,065 Do you mind? Please! 624 00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:34,610 Okay, security, can we... can we bring Frank back down? 625 00:24:34,646 --> 00:24:36,986 Right? Let's bring... Let's bring Frank back down. 626 00:24:37,022 --> 00:24:38,523 - (MUTTERING) Oh, thank God. - MAN: Whoo! 627 00:24:38,558 --> 00:24:39,648 RYAN: Thank you. 628 00:24:39,683 --> 00:24:42,334 And can we, uh, render him vertical? 629 00:24:42,692 --> 00:24:44,282 There we go. 630 00:24:44,517 --> 00:24:47,523 Okay. Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this? 631 00:24:47,558 --> 00:24:48,690 A big rocket? 632 00:24:48,725 --> 00:24:49,565 Uh, no. 633 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,523 That... Well, yes, that would be... 634 00:24:51,558 --> 00:24:53,857 Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this. 635 00:24:53,892 --> 00:24:55,356 Captain Ryan saved you, okay? 636 00:24:55,391 --> 00:24:58,190 So you just owe him a big handshake. 637 00:24:58,225 --> 00:25:00,106 - Go on. Go ahead. - RYAN: Teamwork. 638 00:25:00,141 --> 00:25:03,024 We together as a team. All right? 639 00:25:03,059 --> 00:25:05,565 Like the Egyptians building the pyramids. 640 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,440 We can be like... bricks 641 00:25:07,475 --> 00:25:08,982 in one of those Mexican palaces 642 00:25:09,017 --> 00:25:11,398 with the steps up the side, we climb the steps... 643 00:25:11,433 --> 00:25:13,065 - (FRANK GRUNTS) - (MICROPHONE SQUEALS) 644 00:25:13,100 --> 00:25:14,231 - Frank! - MAN: Whoa. 645 00:25:14,266 --> 00:25:17,857 (YELLS) You stay away from my wife, you jackal! 646 00:25:17,892 --> 00:25:21,225 Or you will have me and my wife to deal with! 647 00:25:21,934 --> 00:25:24,315 Got it? Captain Turtleneck? 648 00:25:24,350 --> 00:25:25,273 - Frank! - Honey... 649 00:25:25,308 --> 00:25:26,774 - That was wrong. - Honey... 650 00:25:26,809 --> 00:25:28,190 Hot, but wrong. 651 00:25:28,225 --> 00:25:29,982 - We're ten seconds from Halfway Home. - JORDAN: So, uh... 652 00:25:30,017 --> 00:25:32,065 - It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators." - MATT: Ten. Nine... 653 00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:35,190 - Uh, but they just don't elevate they also... lower. - MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven. 654 00:25:35,225 --> 00:25:36,231 And zero! 655 00:25:36,266 --> 00:25:39,398 - (CHEERING) - ♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪ 656 00:25:39,433 --> 00:25:40,982 We're halfway home! 657 00:25:41,017 --> 00:25:44,857 Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth. 658 00:25:44,892 --> 00:25:47,065 MAN: Who threw that? You are dead man. 659 00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:48,982 All right, or woman, let's not be sexist. 660 00:25:49,017 --> 00:25:50,523 But actually, no, it was... it was a man. 661 00:25:50,558 --> 00:25:51,857 - It was him there. - (GRUNTS) 662 00:25:51,892 --> 00:25:54,100 Not him. Him! 663 00:25:56,557 --> 00:25:58,420 - This is all on you. - What? 664 00:25:58,456 --> 00:25:59,774 You had one job. 665 00:25:59,809 --> 00:26:01,860 I expect. I'm not sure exactly what you do. 666 00:26:01,896 --> 00:26:04,815 I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for 667 00:26:04,850 --> 00:26:06,106 are "thank you, Billie" 668 00:26:06,141 --> 00:26:08,690 and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass." 669 00:26:08,725 --> 00:26:10,523 I hope you're trampled by this conga line... 670 00:26:10,558 --> 00:26:11,774 Whoa! 671 00:26:11,809 --> 00:26:15,398 Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun. 672 00:26:15,434 --> 00:26:17,732 - Yes, Mr. Judd... - JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris! 673 00:26:17,767 --> 00:26:19,600 (YELLING) I heard you! 674 00:26:21,141 --> 00:26:22,648 JORDAN: Well, I think that's my time. 675 00:26:22,683 --> 00:26:25,774 So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man 676 00:26:25,809 --> 00:26:27,273 in the universe. 677 00:26:27,308 --> 00:26:29,640 That's me, in case it wasn't clear. 678 00:26:30,075 --> 00:26:34,082 I think everything will be okay if we just stick together. 679 00:26:35,188 --> 00:26:38,108 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Worked for every extinct species in history. 680 00:26:38,474 --> 00:26:40,183 MATT: What a crazy night, right? 681 00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:42,558 Knock, knock. 682 00:26:43,892 --> 00:26:46,350 (CHUCKLES) Knock, knock. 683 00:26:47,141 --> 00:26:48,558 (MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN) 684 00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:52,648 - These... These people are... - (PHONE CHIMES) 685 00:26:52,683 --> 00:26:54,356 ...the bravest and the boldest. 686 00:26:54,391 --> 00:26:58,774 They are humanity's finest, and they need safe... 687 00:26:58,809 --> 00:27:01,648 (CLAMORING AND SINGING) 688 00:27:01,683 --> 00:27:03,642 - (LAUGHTER) - (CHEERING) 689 00:27:04,809 --> 00:27:06,231 (RETCHING) 690 00:27:06,266 --> 00:27:07,815 (SIGHS) 691 00:27:08,072 --> 00:27:09,857 STAFFER: The President will see you now. 692 00:27:09,892 --> 00:27:10,899 Great. 693 00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:12,356 - (CHEERING CONTINUES) - MATT: Hey, uh, 694 00:27:12,391 --> 00:27:15,106 Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar. 695 00:27:15,141 --> 00:27:17,732 (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding. He's in hiding. 696 00:27:17,767 --> 00:27:20,017 ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 697 00:27:22,821 --> 00:27:26,821 Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com 698 00:28:21,312 --> 00:28:24,315 I may be a fake, and a fraud, and a terrible lay, 699 00:28:24,350 --> 00:28:26,774 and a credit risk, but I am still a useful, 700 00:28:26,809 --> 00:28:27,809 functioning... 701 00:28:28,225 --> 00:28:29,732 - Actually can you do this? Yeah. - Yeah. 702 00:28:29,767 --> 00:28:30,767 - (BEEPING) - ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 703 00:28:30,803 --> 00:28:33,356 Why is the ship beeping? Gotta be a warning of some kind. 704 00:28:33,391 --> 00:28:35,398 Yes. You don't usually have a recurring beep 705 00:28:35,433 --> 00:28:36,899 to tell you everything is going just fine. 706 00:28:36,934 --> 00:28:38,940 - Why can you panic and I can't panic? - I'm not panicking. 707 00:28:38,975 --> 00:28:40,148 - (BEEPING) - Iris! 708 00:28:40,183 --> 00:28:43,141 The ship is beeping. This could cause mass distress. 709 00:28:43,475 --> 00:28:44,266 (BEEPING) 710 00:28:44,558 --> 00:28:45,940 - I need you to hook me up. - What do you need? 711 00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:47,231 Porno, mint jelly? 712 00:28:47,266 --> 00:28:48,607 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 713 00:28:48,642 --> 00:28:49,809 (SCREAMING) 714 00:28:50,183 --> 00:28:51,774 Lots of sedatives. 715 00:28:51,809 --> 00:28:53,642 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ 54362

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