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1
00:00:00,767 --> 00:00:02,940
One, two. One, two. (CLEARS THROAT)
2
00:00:02,975 --> 00:00:03,982
Hello, I'm Jordan.
3
00:00:04,017 --> 00:00:05,523
Best stand-up comic this side of Mars.
4
00:00:05,558 --> 00:00:07,231
Also, the only stand-up comic
this side of Mars,
5
00:00:07,266 --> 00:00:09,476
but don't tell my mum that,
she's super impressed.
6
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,607
(MUTTERING) Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh...
7
00:00:11,642 --> 00:00:13,940
- Two, two. Is this thing on?
- Yeah, it's on.
8
00:00:13,975 --> 00:00:15,934
No... I know. It's a bit.
9
00:00:16,792 --> 00:00:18,256
The "is this on" thing,
10
00:00:18,391 --> 00:00:21,100
to imply that the audience
weren't laughing.
11
00:00:22,141 --> 00:00:24,190
Best thing about doing
stand-up in space?
12
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,433
Literally no pressure.
13
00:00:27,059 --> 00:00:28,899
- Is this thing on?
- Yup.
14
00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:30,558
No, I know it's...
15
00:00:32,083 --> 00:00:33,915
And then I'll plug the beer.
16
00:00:34,433 --> 00:00:38,065
And... when I first took this gig on,
17
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,689
they told me that I needed
18
00:00:39,725 --> 00:00:41,767
enough material to cover
the first half of the journey,
19
00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:45,095
so I guess now I need a tight
one year and three quarters.
20
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:46,543
Is that funny?
21
00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:48,607
- Or is that too much maths?
- "Math."
22
00:00:48,642 --> 00:00:50,607
- (LOUD BANG)
- (METAL CREAKING)
23
00:00:50,642 --> 00:00:51,940
MAN 1: I can't look!
24
00:00:51,975 --> 00:00:53,273
WOMAN 1: God! That's not good.
25
00:00:53,308 --> 00:00:56,356
- MAN 2: It's shit.
- It's all shit!
26
00:00:56,391 --> 00:00:58,429
Hey, maybe they heard your set.
27
00:00:58,465 --> 00:01:00,106
(LAUGHS)
28
00:01:00,141 --> 00:01:02,017
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
29
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:09,525
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com
30
00:01:17,308 --> 00:01:19,850
Captain, you ready to do this?
31
00:01:21,475 --> 00:01:23,440
(ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always
hoped that my last words
32
00:01:23,475 --> 00:01:24,817
might be better than...
33
00:01:25,017 --> 00:01:26,616
"Fuck me, no."
34
00:01:27,059 --> 00:01:28,975
I don't know how to attach the tether.
35
00:01:29,011 --> 00:01:32,260
There should be an instruction
panel right in front of you.
36
00:01:33,017 --> 00:01:34,815
(AMERICAN ACCENT)
To attach your safety tether...
37
00:01:34,850 --> 00:01:38,024
- Oh, f...
- ...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp
38
00:01:38,059 --> 00:01:39,732
to release the G Catch.
39
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,857
There. That wasn't so hard, was it?
40
00:01:41,892 --> 00:01:43,683
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Well, you fucking try it.
41
00:01:46,225 --> 00:01:49,017
BILLIE MCEVOY:
Okay, it's a spacewalk, so...
42
00:01:49,584 --> 00:01:50,625
walk.
43
00:01:54,642 --> 00:01:58,077
So, Captain,
what exactly are you looking at?
44
00:01:58,558 --> 00:02:01,068
- The inside of my eyelids.
- Ha.
45
00:02:01,391 --> 00:02:04,183
Ah. There appears to be no floor.
46
00:02:07,683 --> 00:02:11,590
Yes, Captain. You...
You really make this look easy.
47
00:02:11,711 --> 00:02:13,815
RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing
around like that? What...
48
00:02:13,850 --> 00:02:16,065
- No. Look. He's upright now.
- Yes.
49
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,758
- Uh, no, just gone back.
- (SIGHS)
50
00:02:18,794 --> 00:02:20,009
Where are you going?
51
00:02:20,045 --> 00:02:22,356
I'm gonna do 600 pushups
and then throw up in the sink.
52
00:02:22,391 --> 00:02:25,356
Can you get visuals
on the wet suit compromise?
53
00:02:25,391 --> 00:02:28,412
"Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"?
54
00:02:28,809 --> 00:02:30,857
- Or "come back in".
- Engineering?
55
00:02:30,892 --> 00:02:32,690
- Present.
- Yeah, not you.
56
00:02:32,725 --> 00:02:35,106
Looking at wet suit protocol three now.
57
00:02:35,141 --> 00:02:36,940
Captain Courageous needs to locate
58
00:02:36,975 --> 00:02:40,148
the lateral access valve
where it intersects with the...
59
00:02:40,183 --> 00:02:42,356
Intersects with the binary caps
60
00:02:42,391 --> 00:02:44,356
from the lower deck. Did you get that?
61
00:02:44,391 --> 00:02:47,106
All I got from that was,
"You're gonna die out here."
62
00:02:47,141 --> 00:02:49,940
BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel
and turn it off.
63
00:02:49,975 --> 00:02:51,565
Estimate of her velocity, Captain?
64
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,591
- RYAN CLARK: I might actually sneeze.
- He can't hear you because...
65
00:02:54,627 --> 00:02:56,423
- well, you know, he's outside...
- RYAN: What happens then?
66
00:02:56,459 --> 00:02:58,718
- Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space?
- Good point.
67
00:02:58,754 --> 00:03:00,633
Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home.
68
00:03:00,669 --> 00:03:01,753
RYAN: Is there one?
69
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,273
Could you look that up?
70
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,649
- Hola.
- Gracias.
71
00:03:05,266 --> 00:03:08,231
Yeah, in other devastating news,
72
00:03:08,266 --> 00:03:10,732
Spike is about to join the auto comms.
73
00:03:10,767 --> 00:03:12,857
(SCOFFS) The icing on the shit.
74
00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:14,565
SPIKE MARTIN: I got you now, buddy.
75
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:18,231
- Whoa! She's a gusher.
- Please don't call it "she."
76
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:21,982
Why? That thing's powerful.
And I respect it.
77
00:03:22,017 --> 00:03:24,190
BILLIE: (SCOFFS)
I'm gonna go check on a valve.
78
00:03:24,225 --> 00:03:25,356
Billie?
79
00:03:25,391 --> 00:03:27,398
Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up.
80
00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:28,815
- Yeah, sure.
- RYAN: Billie?
81
00:03:28,850 --> 00:03:32,148
So, we're just splitting
forward, uh, protocol three.
82
00:03:32,183 --> 00:03:34,648
It's just a... thing we do.
83
00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:36,315
- MAN: We love you, Spike!
- SPIKE: Okay, Captain,
84
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:38,356
I'm splitting forward protocol three.
85
00:03:38,391 --> 00:03:41,155
It's just... It's a thing we do.
Don't worry.
86
00:03:41,796 --> 00:03:43,469
WOMAN: Make way for the shit shooter.
87
00:03:43,505 --> 00:03:47,523
- Oh God, was that me?
- It's a little bit of all of us.
88
00:03:47,558 --> 00:03:50,273
Hey! I got a button
on the end of my fist,
89
00:03:50,308 --> 00:03:53,024
do you wanna press it
with your face? Button dick!
90
00:03:53,059 --> 00:03:54,774
(WHISPERING)
I think she's talking to me.
91
00:03:54,809 --> 00:03:57,774
♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
92
00:03:57,809 --> 00:04:00,899
RYAN: Yeah, so, nobody thought
to put this wheel on the inside.
93
00:04:00,934 --> 00:04:03,024
Would that have been easier at all?
94
00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:05,350
(METAL BANGING)
95
00:04:06,850 --> 00:04:08,899
- Oh! Bugger me.
- Oh no!
96
00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:11,523
Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast.
97
00:04:11,558 --> 00:04:14,642
Some guys would pay good money
to have that done to them.
98
00:04:15,183 --> 00:04:17,308
And girls. Uh, women.
99
00:04:18,975 --> 00:04:20,940
Not me, though. Mm-mm.
100
00:04:20,975 --> 00:04:22,725
BILLIE: Other way, other way.
101
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:24,899
(GASPS)
102
00:04:24,934 --> 00:04:28,065
Don't worry, Captain. You got this.
103
00:04:28,245 --> 00:04:30,662
(WHISPERS) I've got this.
Turn it this way.
104
00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:33,607
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Of course I've got it!
105
00:04:33,642 --> 00:04:35,440
I was born getting it.
106
00:04:35,633 --> 00:04:38,008
(WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
I haven't got it. Help me more.
107
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,141
That's it.
108
00:04:41,850 --> 00:04:45,106
♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
109
00:04:45,141 --> 00:04:47,725
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
110
00:04:48,350 --> 00:04:50,183
- Oh!
- Ugh. (SPITS)
111
00:04:52,850 --> 00:04:54,809
(LAUGHING) Yes!
112
00:04:55,683 --> 00:04:58,648
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)
- Whoo!
113
00:04:58,683 --> 00:05:00,817
Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!
114
00:05:01,225 --> 00:05:02,440
You're going to the White House?
115
00:05:02,475 --> 00:05:04,440
Oh, yes. Time to do
some corporate begging.
116
00:05:04,475 --> 00:05:05,558
- (GASPS)
- Yes!
117
00:05:10,225 --> 00:05:12,565
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
118
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,857
(BILLIE LAUGHS)
119
00:05:13,892 --> 00:05:18,024
HERMAN JUDD: There he is!
There he is. I believed in you!
120
00:05:18,059 --> 00:05:21,148
Unlike Iris. She already
rented out your cabin.
121
00:05:21,183 --> 00:05:22,468
(AMERICAN ACCENT) That was nothing!
122
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:24,273
But then, what isn't?
123
00:05:24,308 --> 00:05:27,024
He's so modest,
he could almost be British.
124
00:05:27,059 --> 00:05:28,482
Why the fuck did I say that?
125
00:05:28,517 --> 00:05:30,648
(SIGHS) I think that stuff
is neurodevelopmental.
126
00:05:30,683 --> 00:05:32,440
I was very, very proud of how
127
00:05:32,475 --> 00:05:34,815
Captain Ryan followed
my direction out there.
128
00:05:34,850 --> 00:05:36,940
You were out of depth on the bridge.
129
00:05:36,975 --> 00:05:40,024
Yes, you're much better suited
in a secondary position.
130
00:05:40,059 --> 00:05:41,607
- BILLIE: Right, well...
- (JUDD YELLS)
131
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,273
- (COUGHING, GAGGING)
- (JUDD YELLING)
132
00:05:43,308 --> 00:05:44,732
Fucking balls.
133
00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:46,982
Burn those suits, they smell like hell!
134
00:05:47,017 --> 00:05:49,648
- I can actually hear that smell.
- (GAGGING)
135
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,065
MATT SPENCER: Hey, beautiful.
136
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,398
Tonight at midnight, we reach
our furthest point from Earth
137
00:05:53,433 --> 00:05:54,774
and turn around to head back.
138
00:05:54,809 --> 00:05:57,440
I know. Time flies.
I don't wanna go home, either.
139
00:05:57,475 --> 00:06:00,106
But I'll see you later
at the Halfway Home party.
140
00:06:00,141 --> 00:06:01,860
MAN: Hey, is... is that true?
141
00:06:02,391 --> 00:06:04,398
Well, it was true when I said it.
142
00:06:04,433 --> 00:06:05,857
Like a marriage vow.
143
00:06:05,892 --> 00:06:07,690
And you just kept this up?
144
00:06:07,725 --> 00:06:10,231
Sure. I mean, we could still have a...
145
00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:12,313
"One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party.
146
00:06:12,349 --> 00:06:14,148
- SPIKE: Yeah, that could work.
- Spike gets it.
147
00:06:14,184 --> 00:06:16,398
We brought 200,000 dollars'
worth of streamers.
148
00:06:16,433 --> 00:06:18,433
The only other use would be
for your funeral.
149
00:06:20,746 --> 00:06:22,440
WOMAN 1: Hey. It's the shit whisperer.
150
00:06:22,475 --> 00:06:24,315
MAN 1: Hey, Benjamin Button!
151
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:26,024
WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking.
152
00:06:26,059 --> 00:06:27,065
MAN 2: Frankenfuck.
153
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,648
MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa.
154
00:06:28,683 --> 00:06:33,106
Wow! Couldn't you just stay
in this cabin all day?
155
00:06:33,141 --> 00:06:34,774
I mean, I know I could.
156
00:06:34,809 --> 00:06:36,809
And I think you should.
157
00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:39,440
Why?
158
00:06:39,475 --> 00:06:41,940
There's just so much to explore, baby.
159
00:06:41,975 --> 00:06:45,106
We have booze. Right?
Who doesn't love booze?
160
00:06:45,141 --> 00:06:47,315
And... And four books...
161
00:06:47,350 --> 00:06:50,190
five books here!
I mean that's just... right?
162
00:06:50,225 --> 00:06:51,189
All I did was...
163
00:06:52,141 --> 00:06:53,228
And then they...
164
00:06:54,308 --> 00:06:55,350
And the...
165
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,100
Don't ever sit.
166
00:07:01,141 --> 00:07:03,266
Inflate one thousand balloons.
167
00:07:08,100 --> 00:07:10,482
I need to vet your materials
for this show this evening.
168
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,815
Oh, wow. So it's true.
The show really does go on.
169
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,190
It's in your contract.
You'd be doing a show tonight
170
00:07:15,225 --> 00:07:16,648
even if this was a burned-out hulk
171
00:07:16,683 --> 00:07:19,106
full of space junk and dead animals.
172
00:07:19,141 --> 00:07:20,183
So...
173
00:07:21,291 --> 00:07:22,491
Jokes.
174
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:24,548
Do some.
175
00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:26,815
- Okay, what makes you laugh?
- Comedy.
176
00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:30,065
- Obviously.
- And sometimes tragedy.
177
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:33,190
Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction,
178
00:07:33,225 --> 00:07:35,440
non-fatal hunting accidents,
179
00:07:35,475 --> 00:07:36,774
waving at someone you think you know
180
00:07:36,809 --> 00:07:39,362
but it turns out to be
a stranger, that sort of thing.
181
00:07:39,683 --> 00:07:41,148
Now, make it topical.
182
00:07:41,183 --> 00:07:43,273
Mention "it," but don't mention it.
183
00:07:43,308 --> 00:07:45,299
"It"? That's horrible.
184
00:07:46,354 --> 00:07:47,354
Go.
185
00:07:48,059 --> 00:07:50,517
- Okay, I could start with...
- It's not called "sit-down."
186
00:07:59,483 --> 00:08:00,825
I can start with...
187
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:02,630
"This is some hot shit."
188
00:08:02,666 --> 00:08:05,115
You know it's actually
extremely cold in space?
189
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,462
Are you gonna do this
the whole way through?
190
00:08:06,498 --> 00:08:09,373
Yes. And I'd say you're
a heckler's wet dream right now.
191
00:08:11,860 --> 00:08:14,533
(ENGLISH ACCENT) You see
what I did? Did you see...
192
00:08:14,569 --> 00:08:16,921
I put a fucking goldfish bowl
on my head,
193
00:08:16,957 --> 00:08:19,065
went out there, and fixed a spaceship.
194
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,156
I know.
195
00:08:20,391 --> 00:08:23,106
I need you to make it clear
that it wasn't Frank's fault.
196
00:08:23,141 --> 00:08:25,148
- Who's Frank?
- My husband.
197
00:08:25,183 --> 00:08:27,398
Oh! Do you mind
if we don't talk about him?
198
00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:30,830
He's... He's only there to stop
his skeleton from falling over.
199
00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,732
Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut.
200
00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:34,857
I feel like I could kill and eat a man.
201
00:08:34,892 --> 00:08:38,732
Oh, God! Just fuck me and
don't even give me your name.
202
00:08:38,767 --> 00:08:40,065
Okay! So...
203
00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,565
somebody needs some soap for their mouth
204
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:45,141
and a hot toddy for their mood. Sit.
205
00:08:45,975 --> 00:08:47,499
- (RYAN SIGHS)
- Chill.
206
00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:51,982
I just did something,
and I don't know what it was.
207
00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:53,857
I don't know what I'm doing.
208
00:08:53,892 --> 00:08:56,398
I don't know how anybody knows
what they're doing.
209
00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:57,607
Does anybody know what they're doing?
210
00:08:57,642 --> 00:08:59,523
How does anything work?
Does anybody know?
211
00:08:59,558 --> 00:09:01,482
How... I mean who knows
how that door works?
212
00:09:01,517 --> 00:09:02,565
KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work.
213
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,690
Well, I didn't even know
how it doesn't work.
214
00:09:04,725 --> 00:09:05,934
And look at this.
215
00:09:07,266 --> 00:09:08,648
I mean, how am I doing that?
216
00:09:08,683 --> 00:09:12,350
I do not know how the fuck
I'm doing that.
217
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:14,940
- Drink this.
- Now you...
218
00:09:14,975 --> 00:09:16,148
See, orifices!
219
00:09:16,183 --> 00:09:19,065
They're all over us! Well,
that can't be safe, can it?
220
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,231
You know what's ironic?
221
00:09:20,266 --> 00:09:22,414
I just left a man
who can't finish his sentence,
222
00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:25,057
and here you are, and you
just can't shut the F up.
223
00:09:25,093 --> 00:09:26,648
(PHONE RINGS)
224
00:09:26,683 --> 00:09:28,273
- Hi.
- Hi!
225
00:09:28,308 --> 00:09:29,690
I feel a bit trapped.
226
00:09:29,725 --> 00:09:31,809
Well honey, we're all trapped.
227
00:09:32,767 --> 00:09:37,024
The sky is full of S-H-I-T.
228
00:09:37,059 --> 00:09:39,642
Oh, no. There it floats.
229
00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:41,850
Oh, bollocks.
230
00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:46,417
Oh, can everything just fuck off?
231
00:09:46,809 --> 00:09:49,106
Wait, is that... Was that Captain Ryan?
232
00:09:49,141 --> 00:09:53,315
(STAMMERS)
Ah... Oh! Uh... It... It was not.
233
00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:57,648
In fact, I will be back soon,
tootsie roll, okay?
234
00:09:57,683 --> 00:09:59,141
(PHONE HANGS UP)
235
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,440
♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
236
00:10:03,475 --> 00:10:04,982
MATT: I'll see you all tonight.
237
00:10:05,017 --> 00:10:06,421
Bring your children.
238
00:10:06,934 --> 00:10:09,148
Unless they have behavioral disorders.
239
00:10:09,183 --> 00:10:11,190
And bring them, too. It's a party!
240
00:10:11,225 --> 00:10:12,683
♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪
241
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,622
Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited,
242
00:10:19,658 --> 00:10:22,315
but this party is going to be
an orgy of the gods...
243
00:10:22,350 --> 00:10:23,440
I don't get overexcited.
244
00:10:23,475 --> 00:10:25,398
I'm always the same
fucking level of excited.
245
00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:27,356
- Right, Iris?
- Yes.
246
00:10:27,391 --> 00:10:29,398
I'll have another shot of water, please.
247
00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:32,683
All right! Let's go yell
in some people's faces!
248
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,106
(YELLS)
249
00:10:36,141 --> 00:10:38,518
IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry.
Please enjoy this Judd voucher.
250
00:10:38,892 --> 00:10:40,315
- JUDD: Hey!
- I apologize. These are...
251
00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:42,648
- JUDD: You don't need this!
- ...valid anywhere on the ship.
252
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,982
Take the French fries. Leave the beer.
253
00:10:45,017 --> 00:10:47,356
I'm so sorry. These are valid
everywhere on the ship
254
00:10:47,391 --> 00:10:48,648
- except the golf course.
- All right...
255
00:10:48,683 --> 00:10:49,966
Oh, really? Can I get one of those?
256
00:10:50,002 --> 00:10:50,885
Oh!
257
00:10:50,921 --> 00:10:51,886
- Hey.
- Hey, Billie.
258
00:10:51,973 --> 00:10:53,312
- You look nice.
- So do you.
259
00:10:53,433 --> 00:10:56,273
I decided to go for
"I just saved the ship" casual.
260
00:10:56,308 --> 00:10:57,690
(LAUGHS) "We" just saved the ship.
261
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:58,899
- What did I say?
- Yeah.
262
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:01,356
- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS)
- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey!
263
00:11:01,391 --> 00:11:03,482
- Come on. Stop that.
- Stop.
264
00:11:03,517 --> 00:11:05,607
- Stop it.
- Thank you.
265
00:11:05,642 --> 00:11:08,356
- We were just doing our job.
- I was just doing my job.
266
00:11:08,391 --> 00:11:10,231
We just did what we had to do.
267
00:11:10,266 --> 00:11:11,690
- I did what I had to do.
- Thank you.
268
00:11:11,725 --> 00:11:14,190
Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS)
Did you see me out there?
269
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:16,648
Do you understand, I've not slept
a wink since you freaked me out.
270
00:11:16,683 --> 00:11:18,648
I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper.
271
00:11:18,683 --> 00:11:19,982
Who does that these days?
272
00:11:20,017 --> 00:11:22,059
We can delay the start by five minutes.
273
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:25,815
Are you sure it's safe for me here?
274
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:28,398
- I'm getting sneering looks.
- Oh, honey, relax.
275
00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:30,899
Everybody's here
to celebrate Captain Ryan.
276
00:11:30,934 --> 00:11:34,315
Oh my god, he looks amazing
in that turtleneck.
277
00:11:34,350 --> 00:11:35,732
Listen, with him wearing that,
278
00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:38,024
I guarantee nobody
is thinking about you.
279
00:11:38,059 --> 00:11:39,948
(ENGLISH ACCENT)
We make a really great team.
280
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:43,065
You saving the ship,
and me thanking you for that.
281
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,565
(LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know,
they were probably
282
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,732
livestreaming the whole thing
all over the world.
283
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:49,899
So right now, I'm probably more famous
284
00:11:49,934 --> 00:11:52,108
than that guy who shat his pants
at the Superbowl.
285
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,559
- Daniel Radcliffe?
- Yeah.
286
00:11:53,809 --> 00:11:55,059
Those two are an item.
287
00:11:55,809 --> 00:11:57,356
- Those two? No.
- Yeah.
288
00:11:57,391 --> 00:11:59,523
- Yeah.
- No. Nuh-uh. No.
289
00:11:59,558 --> 00:12:00,683
She's not his type.
290
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,799
I mean, I think he would...
291
00:12:02,934 --> 00:12:05,482
I think he would probably
want an older woman,
292
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:08,566
you know, a woman
who's more, like, mature.
293
00:12:09,059 --> 00:12:10,607
The way I see it, like... (STAMMERS)
294
00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:11,940
twenty-five hundred women on board?
295
00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:13,440
At least seven hundred of them,
296
00:12:13,475 --> 00:12:16,190
I would totally want
a consensual meeting with.
297
00:12:16,225 --> 00:12:17,565
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
298
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,732
I am gonna get me
some informed consent tonight.
299
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:21,774
Just some sweet, sweet informed consent
300
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,273
from a strong autonomous woman...
301
00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:26,398
Hey guys, did you hear that? I...
I think that was the sound
302
00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:28,648
of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut.
303
00:12:28,683 --> 00:12:30,024
- It's not.
- (MIA EXHALES)
304
00:12:30,059 --> 00:12:34,024
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am horny as hell,
305
00:12:34,059 --> 00:12:37,231
so I am gonna go out
and get my body slammed.
306
00:12:37,266 --> 00:12:38,607
And it's okay that she said...
307
00:12:38,642 --> 00:12:40,356
- We're... We're separated.
- Oh.
308
00:12:40,391 --> 00:12:42,273
They just haven't found me
my own cabin yet.
309
00:12:42,308 --> 00:12:43,440
Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
310
00:12:43,475 --> 00:12:44,482
- We should...
- Yeah, we should.
311
00:12:44,517 --> 00:12:46,607
I'll freshen up and see you down there.
312
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,482
That means he has to have a little cry.
313
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:49,482
I really don't.
314
00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,899
- Shots?
- You know, I usually don't drink
315
00:12:51,934 --> 00:12:54,065
because it makes me blunt
and opinionated.
316
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:55,126
As opposed to?
317
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:56,607
Hey, everyone.
318
00:12:56,642 --> 00:12:58,273
Welcome to the Halfway Home party.
319
00:12:58,308 --> 00:12:59,857
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
320
00:12:59,892 --> 00:13:02,148
Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out
321
00:13:02,183 --> 00:13:04,732
our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.
322
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:07,482
He is... (CHUCKLES)
...extremely nervous.
323
00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:09,732
Okay? But I know you guys
are gonna love him.
324
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:10,815
Right?
325
00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,315
- WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah.
- MAN: Hey.
326
00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,065
- (WEAK APPLAUSE)
- Okay. Okay.
327
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:15,899
I think that's probably gonna
make him more nervous
328
00:13:15,934 --> 00:13:17,315
'cause it was pretty underwhelming.
329
00:13:17,350 --> 00:13:19,065
Let's try it again, right?
330
00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,940
Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal?
331
00:13:20,975 --> 00:13:23,017
(CHEERING)
332
00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:24,857
Okay, okay.
333
00:13:24,892 --> 00:13:27,315
(LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think
he can live up to that.
334
00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:28,565
You know, if he was that good,
335
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,549
he'd probably be doing
arena shows on Earth.
336
00:13:30,850 --> 00:13:32,723
Um... But...
337
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,660
Now that I've lowered
your expectations again,
338
00:13:35,892 --> 00:13:38,398
I think you might be
pleasantly surprised
339
00:13:38,433 --> 00:13:42,648
by the competent, workmanlike
comedy of Jordan Hatwal.
340
00:13:42,683 --> 00:13:44,972
But before he comes out to win you over
341
00:13:45,266 --> 00:13:47,148
or die horribly,
342
00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:49,982
I want to give a big round of applause
343
00:13:50,017 --> 00:13:52,690
to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark...
344
00:13:52,725 --> 00:13:55,017
- ♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪
- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
345
00:13:56,975 --> 00:13:58,183
(WHOOPS)
346
00:14:01,183 --> 00:14:03,065
- ...and...
- Billie McEvoy!
347
00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,141
...former astronaut Spike Martin.
348
00:14:06,475 --> 00:14:07,475
What?
349
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,689
- Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go?
- Yep.
350
00:14:13,756 --> 00:14:16,024
Listen to him, he's nervous, right?
351
00:14:16,059 --> 00:14:17,648
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- Yeah! Okay!
352
00:14:17,683 --> 00:14:19,231
Please put your hands together
353
00:14:19,266 --> 00:14:23,482
or silently reserve judgement
for Jordan Hatwal.
354
00:14:23,517 --> 00:14:26,648
(WHOOPS AND CHEERS)
355
00:14:26,768 --> 00:14:29,513
JORDAN HATWAL: All right.
Hey, how you doin'?
356
00:14:29,934 --> 00:14:30,934
Uh...
357
00:14:30,970 --> 00:14:32,940
I've been asleep for the last
120 hours, what did I miss?
358
00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:34,523
We're stuck up here for three years.
359
00:14:34,558 --> 00:14:37,065
Okay, guys. That was his first joke,
360
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,565
so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh.
361
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:39,607
Matt, don't... Don't do that.
362
00:14:39,642 --> 00:14:40,982
I'm just... I'm just trying to help.
363
00:14:41,017 --> 00:14:43,607
(LAUGHS) Yeah, it's...
it's hard doing, uh,
364
00:14:43,642 --> 00:14:46,184
a Halfway Home gig when,
I mean, we're not even halfway...
365
00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:48,440
- Ah! I vetoed that angle.
- Uh... okay.
366
00:14:48,475 --> 00:14:51,607
Guys, pretend that we're
21 months into the voyage.
367
00:14:51,642 --> 00:14:53,398
Right? Is... is that helpful?
368
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,523
- JORDAN: No.
- Yes.
369
00:14:54,558 --> 00:14:56,190
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't...
It's not helpful.
370
00:14:56,495 --> 00:14:58,774
Do you want... Do you wanna
come up here and do the set?
371
00:14:58,809 --> 00:15:00,024
Sure, yeah.
372
00:15:00,059 --> 00:15:01,940
I wasn't actually asking. (LAUGHS)
373
00:15:01,975 --> 00:15:03,146
Oh, you were joking?
374
00:15:03,517 --> 00:15:05,315
Yep, that was a joke.
375
00:15:05,350 --> 00:15:06,774
That's what I'm here to do.
376
00:15:06,809 --> 00:15:08,940
It's like the joke police over here.
377
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,774
Anyway, shoehorns...
378
00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:14,141
- pretty weird, aren't they?
- (LAUGHS) Yes!
379
00:15:15,017 --> 00:15:15,940
(NADIA GIGGLING)
380
00:15:15,975 --> 00:15:17,148
MAN: Thank you for your service!
381
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,273
You're real-life heroes!
382
00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:21,732
- NADIA: People loved us.
- No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.
383
00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:24,523
I don't get it. I just don't...
I don't get this, this...
384
00:15:24,558 --> 00:15:26,607
I arm-wrestled with space
385
00:15:26,642 --> 00:15:29,857
- and I won, so that was me.
- Speaking of arms,
386
00:15:29,892 --> 00:15:31,815
- yours are so firm.
- Oh?
387
00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:34,815
How do you find gym time
in between saving lives?
388
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,315
(BOTH LAUGH)
389
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:39,482
(STUTTERS) Well, f... f... firm
is my middle name.
390
00:15:39,517 --> 00:15:40,862
What's your first name?
391
00:15:41,183 --> 00:15:43,231
- Colin.
- Colin Firm.
392
00:15:43,266 --> 00:15:45,440
Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.
393
00:15:45,475 --> 00:15:47,303
Oh, is that Italian?
394
00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:48,857
- No, it's actu...
- Who cares?
395
00:15:48,892 --> 00:15:49,982
- Okay.
- Okay.
396
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,899
Oh! Guess who else
will be on the prowl tonight?
397
00:15:52,934 --> 00:15:56,285
Captain Ryan Clark,
ladies and gentlemen.
398
00:15:56,321 --> 00:16:00,774
He's as horny and as hairy
as a tomcat, and I should know,
399
00:16:00,809 --> 00:16:04,523
because back in the day,
he put a baby up me.
400
00:16:04,558 --> 00:16:05,899
- Wow!
- Wow.
401
00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:09,398
Was your oxygen restricted in
your early developmental years?
402
00:16:09,433 --> 00:16:12,398
Oh, you can't wash
the shame away, Frank.
403
00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:14,732
Next time leave it to the professionals,
404
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:16,024
you silly man.
405
00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,398
Why can't the Captain be a womanizer?
406
00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:20,065
Or a man-anizer?
407
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,315
He can do what he wants.
408
00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:22,523
I actually don't care at this point.
409
00:16:22,558 --> 00:16:25,523
- Captain Clark is a sex man?
- SARAH: He's a dog.
410
00:16:25,558 --> 00:16:27,690
Hey, fuck it. Shall we start a conga?
411
00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:29,024
- (ALL CHEERING)
- Let's do a conga.
412
00:16:29,059 --> 00:16:30,482
- Whoo!
- Frank, come on.
413
00:16:30,517 --> 00:16:32,940
- NADIA: Allez.
- SARAH: Hey, hey, hey.
414
00:16:32,975 --> 00:16:34,982
(SINGING) ♪ He cannot press a button ♪
415
00:16:35,017 --> 00:16:36,940
- Whoo!
- ♪ Doo doo doo ♪
416
00:16:36,975 --> 00:16:39,246
♪ He cannot press a button ♪
417
00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:41,565
MIA: Come on,
let's get outta here. Okay!
418
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,607
- SARAH: ♪ He always fucks it up ♪
- NADIA: Fucks it up!
419
00:16:43,642 --> 00:16:45,440
- (MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry.
- JORDAN: Oh, check it out.
420
00:16:45,475 --> 00:16:47,190
- (MIA GIGGLING)
- (JORDAN CHUCKLES)
421
00:16:47,225 --> 00:16:49,899
Uh, first person that's laughed
in quite some time.
422
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:51,315
Hey, you wanna come back to my place?
423
00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,065
Sure, yeah, I'll take it
where I can get it.
424
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,815
- A hole's a hole.
- Oh... No, thank you.
425
00:16:55,850 --> 00:16:57,190
I... I have a flight simulation game
426
00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:58,982
I would love to play with you.
Be an honor, sir.
427
00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:01,398
Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down
the sexual hatches.
428
00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:02,982
Let's fly some ships.
429
00:17:03,017 --> 00:17:06,356
Uh... So, um... Do you remember the, uh,
430
00:17:06,391 --> 00:17:09,065
the phones that you had
to plug in to charge?
431
00:17:09,100 --> 00:17:10,100
Yes, I do.
432
00:17:10,892 --> 00:17:13,308
Yeah, well, they...
433
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:15,667
They were, um...
434
00:17:16,683 --> 00:17:20,231
Uh... no. No, that one's gone.
435
00:17:20,266 --> 00:17:21,440
Just give it a second.
436
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:22,884
'Cause this could be good
when you think of it.
437
00:17:23,183 --> 00:17:25,565
- IRIS: They had a cord.
- They had a cord, yeah.
438
00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,934
I don't think that was
the punchline, though. Um...
439
00:17:28,277 --> 00:17:29,618
Promote the beer.
440
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:31,350
(PHONE RINGS)
441
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:35,732
- RYAN: Hey!
- You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh...
442
00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:38,440
- we need to talk face-to-face.
- Oh, no, no, no. You're talking. You should... no.
443
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,440
'Cause I called you,
so you should really wait.
444
00:17:40,475 --> 00:17:42,815
- Anyway, doesn't matter.
- Ryan, we have to tell you something.
445
00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:45,356
- I know, it was impressive...
- Now, it's not bad.
446
00:17:45,391 --> 00:17:47,398
(STAMMERS) Wait... What...
What do you mean, "bad"?
447
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,945
We love you, but...
448
00:17:49,141 --> 00:17:51,566
we didn't sign up for three
and a half years, and...
449
00:17:52,017 --> 00:17:54,315
- with that crazy spacewalk...
- RYAN: Ah, yes.
450
00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:56,273
- CRIS:...we can't...
- You're looking at a hero, basically.
451
00:17:56,308 --> 00:17:58,648
- We can't take the stress.
- The wh... what?
452
00:17:58,683 --> 00:18:00,356
You lose the plot, you lose your slot.
453
00:18:00,391 --> 00:18:04,482
"Slot"? This is a marriage,
not a fucking squash court.
454
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,774
We're getting trivorced.
455
00:18:05,809 --> 00:18:07,631
Two-thirds majority. Motion carried.
456
00:18:07,667 --> 00:18:10,084
- What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"?
- CRIS: No, sorry.
457
00:18:13,517 --> 00:18:15,982
And then I downed it in one
and I threw up on...
458
00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:17,683
uh, on her dress, and...
459
00:18:18,558 --> 00:18:19,798
That was the end of...
460
00:18:20,017 --> 00:18:21,841
end of prom and, um...
461
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:24,106
that's the first time I had a drink.
462
00:18:24,141 --> 00:18:25,982
Uh, but it was a Judd Light,
463
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:28,774
and Judd Light is available
throughout the ship.
464
00:18:28,809 --> 00:18:31,809
Um, it's, a... a liquid party.
465
00:18:33,809 --> 00:18:36,148
I'm right in here. (GIGGLES)
466
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:37,397
What are you doing?
467
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:38,469
(MUMBLES)
468
00:18:38,505 --> 00:18:40,106
- What?
- Just going in my room.
469
00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:41,857
- Why are you here?
- It's my room.
470
00:18:41,892 --> 00:18:43,899
If you're trying to trick us
into a foursome,
471
00:18:43,934 --> 00:18:45,575
there's no tricking needed.
472
00:18:45,611 --> 00:18:47,868
This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome.
473
00:18:47,904 --> 00:18:49,988
- I'm easy.
- You guys stay here.
474
00:18:51,183 --> 00:18:52,648
MIA: Why'd you bring the peat bog man?
475
00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:53,982
DOUG: We're going
on my flight simulator.
476
00:18:54,017 --> 00:18:55,356
MIA: Well, you need to vacate the room
477
00:18:55,391 --> 00:18:56,732
because I'll be making love everywhere.
478
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:58,772
Hey, yeah, we could...
we could go to yours.
479
00:18:59,308 --> 00:19:01,356
- Can I keep that as a backup?
- Oh, sure, yeah.
480
00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,190
Give 'em a minute, see what pans out.
481
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,857
MIA: Colin Firm, get in here!
482
00:19:04,892 --> 00:19:05,857
What?
483
00:19:05,892 --> 00:19:08,183
Sorry, Doug,
the viewing gallery is closed.
484
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:11,024
Come on. Let's just do it quickly.
485
00:19:11,059 --> 00:19:12,148
- MADS: No...
- MIA: No, no, no.
486
00:19:12,183 --> 00:19:13,732
- Just do it quickly, before he...
- Do it!
487
00:19:13,767 --> 00:19:15,231
- MIA: Who cares about him?
- MADS: No no, I...
488
00:19:15,266 --> 00:19:17,148
- Do it! Do it!
- MIA: You want it, you want it.
489
00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:18,482
Don't be a pussy, Colin!
490
00:19:18,517 --> 00:19:20,523
(STAMMERS) I'm sorry... I wasn't
trained for this, I'm sorry.
491
00:19:20,558 --> 00:19:21,857
This reminds me of my last days
492
00:19:21,892 --> 00:19:23,315
on the International Space Station.
493
00:19:23,350 --> 00:19:24,546
That was a scene!
494
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,478
I ruined it for her.
495
00:19:27,725 --> 00:19:29,019
(VOICE BREAKING) So I won.
496
00:19:29,350 --> 00:19:30,648
(SOBS)
497
00:19:30,683 --> 00:19:33,106
So, my last relationship
didn't end well.
498
00:19:33,141 --> 00:19:36,273
Uh, but... Well, in some ways
you could say it did.
499
00:19:36,308 --> 00:19:38,698
'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well.
500
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,542
Gravity, what a downer.
501
00:19:40,578 --> 00:19:43,565
JUDD: No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No. No.
502
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,565
Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone.
503
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,152
No, hold your applause.
504
00:19:47,767 --> 00:19:50,134
Four people died
because of that gravity fail.
505
00:19:50,642 --> 00:19:52,558
Don't joke about stuff like that.
506
00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:57,718
Maybe that's why your girlfriend
jumped down that well,
507
00:19:57,754 --> 00:20:00,122
'cause of those kind of jokes.
508
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,857
JORDAN: She didn't, she just left me...
509
00:20:02,892 --> 00:20:05,190
I was gonna say a few words later,
510
00:20:05,225 --> 00:20:06,890
but now that "Uhhh"
511
00:20:07,391 --> 00:20:10,148
sucked all the good energy
out of the room and just...
512
00:20:10,183 --> 00:20:13,767
flushed it out into space
like... (SPLUTTERS)
513
00:20:14,642 --> 00:20:16,059
I'm just gonna read it now.
514
00:20:18,558 --> 00:20:21,106
"As you know, this was
meant to be the halfway point,
515
00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:22,448
but we're not halfway.
516
00:20:22,767 --> 00:20:23,774
And yet, in so many ways,
517
00:20:23,809 --> 00:20:25,975
we're more... (SNIFFLES)
...than halfway."
518
00:20:26,975 --> 00:20:28,607
- Iris, who wrote this?
- I did.
519
00:20:28,765 --> 00:20:31,167
And is it like this all the way through,
or does it get any better?
520
00:20:31,203 --> 00:20:33,506
Well, that was the best part,
and you kind of threw it away.
521
00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:35,512
Fuck!
522
00:20:36,308 --> 00:20:37,190
All right.
523
00:20:37,225 --> 00:20:38,899
"Because we've come a long way,
524
00:20:38,934 --> 00:20:40,266
and I'm proud of you
525
00:20:40,513 --> 00:20:41,936
and of me,
526
00:20:41,972 --> 00:20:45,017
and I'm inspired by you and me."
527
00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:47,940
(EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just
gonna skip to the end.
528
00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:49,482
- Yep.
- JUDD: All right.
529
00:20:49,517 --> 00:20:51,106
"We can do this! We're nearly there!
530
00:20:51,141 --> 00:20:52,515
We're not, but we are!"
531
00:20:52,809 --> 00:20:55,683
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
532
00:21:01,767 --> 00:21:03,356
Ever been to Buffalo before?
533
00:21:03,521 --> 00:21:05,402
- (RAV'S PHONE RINGS)
- It's changed a lot
534
00:21:05,438 --> 00:21:06,857
since they moved the White House there.
535
00:21:06,892 --> 00:21:08,260
- For a start...
- RAV: Shut up.
536
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,183
Alan, this better not be bad news. I...
537
00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,648
What the fuck is that?
538
00:21:13,683 --> 00:21:16,565
ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some
of the, uh, residual matter
539
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,183
hasn't escaped
the ship's gravitational pull.
540
00:21:21,767 --> 00:21:23,183
Okay. Well...
541
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,148
It's a ring of shit.
542
00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:26,398
- ALAN: Mm.
- A ring of shit?
543
00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:28,148
Could you just...? Back to the book.
544
00:21:28,183 --> 00:21:30,183
On the upside, you can't see
the coffins anymore.
545
00:21:31,059 --> 00:21:32,225
Oh, no. There's one.
546
00:21:34,767 --> 00:21:38,231
Get ready to pretend we're
ten minutes to halfway there.
547
00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:40,024
Mmm!
548
00:21:40,059 --> 00:21:41,231
Could I get another one of those?
549
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:42,523
- WAITRESS: Sure.
- BILLIE: Um...
550
00:21:42,558 --> 00:21:46,607
Billie, don't ever, ever show
anyone your feelings.
551
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,329
All right? Just bury them
as deep as you can.
552
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,648
Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball
553
00:21:51,683 --> 00:21:53,079
and then just... (GROWLS)
554
00:21:53,391 --> 00:21:55,815
Grow a couple of ulcers
if you wanna mark the spot,
555
00:21:55,850 --> 00:21:59,690
but otherwise, just smile,
pretend everything's fine.
556
00:21:59,725 --> 00:22:03,356
- You're not a happy drunk.
- I'm not a happy anything.
557
00:22:03,544 --> 00:22:05,917
- MAN: You the man!
- (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, there. Hey.
558
00:22:05,953 --> 00:22:08,452
JUDD: Is it... Why is
the shit still outside there?
559
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:10,183
(YELLS) Iris!
560
00:22:10,850 --> 00:22:12,398
It's getting thicker.
561
00:22:12,433 --> 00:22:14,059
IRIS: We're... We're working on it.
562
00:22:15,225 --> 00:22:18,356
All right, that's Mr. Judd,
everybody. Give it up.
563
00:22:18,391 --> 00:22:19,523
- (FAINT APPLAUSE)
- (TAPS MICROPHONE)
564
00:22:19,558 --> 00:22:21,024
- SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on.
- I know it's on...
565
00:22:21,059 --> 00:22:23,356
MAN: You're gonna have to
compensate us for this.
566
00:22:23,391 --> 00:22:24,857
This is your fault.
567
00:22:24,892 --> 00:22:26,774
I mean, it's Frank's fault.
568
00:22:26,809 --> 00:22:28,273
He hit the big brown button.
569
00:22:28,308 --> 00:22:30,774
- MAN: Yeah.
- You mean, shit the button.
570
00:22:30,809 --> 00:22:32,273
See, that's comedy, man.
571
00:22:32,308 --> 00:22:34,398
That right there is comedy, word play.
572
00:22:34,433 --> 00:22:35,648
(CHUCKLES) I love it.
573
00:22:35,683 --> 00:22:38,534
Hey, Frank, what if I came
and took a shit
574
00:22:38,570 --> 00:22:39,899
outside of your room?
575
00:22:39,934 --> 00:22:43,356
(CHUCKLING) The shit
is already outside my room.
576
00:22:43,391 --> 00:22:45,231
Okay. Then I'll come take a shit
577
00:22:45,266 --> 00:22:47,315
- inside your room.
- (AUDIENCE JEERING)
578
00:22:47,350 --> 00:22:49,899
I'll pay for the cleanup,
so you can do it again tomorrow.
579
00:22:49,934 --> 00:22:51,774
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
580
00:22:51,809 --> 00:22:54,398
We should shit Frank out the airlock.
581
00:22:54,433 --> 00:22:57,315
You hurt him without my consent
and involvement
582
00:22:57,350 --> 00:22:59,565
and I will harm you deeply.
583
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,820
(CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out.
584
00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:04,827
- (AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT)
- WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah.
585
00:23:05,141 --> 00:23:07,648
- Shit him out! (LAUGHS)
- Shit him out!
586
00:23:07,683 --> 00:23:08,899
Shit him out!
587
00:23:08,934 --> 00:23:10,899
JORDAN: Guys, come on, calm down.
588
00:23:10,934 --> 00:23:12,607
- Whoo! Shit him out!
- Shit him out!
589
00:23:12,642 --> 00:23:15,273
Hey, who remembers the last Oscars?
That was a real shitshow, wasn't it?
590
00:23:15,308 --> 00:23:16,940
They gave an award to a sparrow.
591
00:23:16,975 --> 00:23:18,148
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have...
592
00:23:18,184 --> 00:23:20,190
Do you have a whistle you can
blow to keep him under control?
593
00:23:20,225 --> 00:23:21,690
- Shit him out!
- IRIS: When he gets like this,
594
00:23:21,725 --> 00:23:23,607
it's best to just let him
wear himself out.
595
00:23:23,642 --> 00:23:26,106
- Security! Shit him the shit...
- FRANK KELLY: All right, all right, I understand you're...
596
00:23:26,141 --> 00:23:27,440
...out of the airlock and into the shit!
597
00:23:27,475 --> 00:23:29,398
KAREN: You need to shut the F up
598
00:23:29,433 --> 00:23:32,440
before I knock you the F... Frank!
599
00:23:32,475 --> 00:23:33,523
- Frank!
- Shit him out!
600
00:23:33,558 --> 00:23:36,308
- Frank! Frank!
- Shit him out! Shit him out!
601
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:38,440
Frank! Frank!
602
00:23:38,475 --> 00:23:40,975
Hey! Put him down, he's mine!
603
00:23:41,725 --> 00:23:44,065
No! Stop murdering someone!
604
00:23:44,100 --> 00:23:45,231
Frank!
605
00:23:45,266 --> 00:23:47,183
(CLAMORING AND CHANTING)
606
00:23:47,725 --> 00:23:49,141
Do something!
607
00:23:51,059 --> 00:23:53,815
Well, I guess things are looking
up for... Oh, thank fuck.
608
00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:56,148
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
609
00:23:56,183 --> 00:23:58,273
- (MICROPHONE SQUEALS)
- (CROWD SILENCES)
610
00:23:58,308 --> 00:24:01,315
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Calm...
and I cannot stress this enough...
611
00:24:01,350 --> 00:24:03,482
(YELLS) the fuck down!
612
00:24:04,183 --> 00:24:07,315
Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out.
613
00:24:07,350 --> 00:24:09,308
He was making a joke.
614
00:24:09,517 --> 00:24:10,857
(SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah.
615
00:24:10,892 --> 00:24:13,273
You guys don't understand comedy.
616
00:24:13,308 --> 00:24:14,315
I do.
617
00:24:14,350 --> 00:24:17,356
What I did back there,
that was comedy. Idiots.
618
00:24:17,391 --> 00:24:20,231
Uh... right, and the comedy
was, may I say,
619
00:24:20,266 --> 00:24:23,732
exquisitely performed,
unlike this guy, who...
620
00:24:23,767 --> 00:24:26,982
I assume was abused by
a punchline when he was a kid.
621
00:24:27,017 --> 00:24:28,065
(CROWD LAUGHS)
622
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:29,607
- Oh, come on!
- RYAN: Taking his revenge...
623
00:24:29,642 --> 00:24:31,065
Do you mind? Please!
624
00:24:31,100 --> 00:24:34,610
Okay, security, can we...
can we bring Frank back down?
625
00:24:34,646 --> 00:24:36,986
Right? Let's bring...
Let's bring Frank back down.
626
00:24:37,022 --> 00:24:38,523
- (MUTTERING) Oh, thank God.
- MAN: Whoo!
627
00:24:38,558 --> 00:24:39,648
RYAN: Thank you.
628
00:24:39,683 --> 00:24:42,334
And can we, uh, render him vertical?
629
00:24:42,692 --> 00:24:44,282
There we go.
630
00:24:44,517 --> 00:24:47,523
Okay. Now, do you know
what's gonna get us out of this?
631
00:24:47,558 --> 00:24:48,690
A big rocket?
632
00:24:48,725 --> 00:24:49,565
Uh, no.
633
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,523
That... Well, yes, that would be...
634
00:24:51,558 --> 00:24:53,857
Okay, there's two ways
we can get out of this.
635
00:24:53,892 --> 00:24:55,356
Captain Ryan saved you, okay?
636
00:24:55,391 --> 00:24:58,190
So you just owe him a big handshake.
637
00:24:58,225 --> 00:25:00,106
- Go on. Go ahead.
- RYAN: Teamwork.
638
00:25:00,141 --> 00:25:03,024
We together as a team. All right?
639
00:25:03,059 --> 00:25:05,565
Like the Egyptians
building the pyramids.
640
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,440
We can be like... bricks
641
00:25:07,475 --> 00:25:08,982
in one of those Mexican palaces
642
00:25:09,017 --> 00:25:11,398
with the steps up the side,
we climb the steps...
643
00:25:11,433 --> 00:25:13,065
- (FRANK GRUNTS)
- (MICROPHONE SQUEALS)
644
00:25:13,100 --> 00:25:14,231
- Frank!
- MAN: Whoa.
645
00:25:14,266 --> 00:25:17,857
(YELLS) You stay away
from my wife, you jackal!
646
00:25:17,892 --> 00:25:21,225
Or you will have me
and my wife to deal with!
647
00:25:21,934 --> 00:25:24,315
Got it? Captain Turtleneck?
648
00:25:24,350 --> 00:25:25,273
- Frank!
- Honey...
649
00:25:25,308 --> 00:25:26,774
- That was wrong.
- Honey...
650
00:25:26,809 --> 00:25:28,190
Hot, but wrong.
651
00:25:28,225 --> 00:25:29,982
- We're ten seconds from Halfway Home.
- JORDAN: So, uh...
652
00:25:30,017 --> 00:25:32,065
- It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators."
- MATT: Ten. Nine...
653
00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:35,190
- Uh, but they just don't elevate they also... lower.
- MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven.
654
00:25:35,225 --> 00:25:36,231
And zero!
655
00:25:36,266 --> 00:25:39,398
- (CHEERING)
- ♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪
656
00:25:39,433 --> 00:25:40,982
We're halfway home!
657
00:25:41,017 --> 00:25:44,857
Let's party so loud,
they hear us back on Earth.
658
00:25:44,892 --> 00:25:47,065
MAN: Who threw that? You are dead man.
659
00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:48,982
All right, or woman,
let's not be sexist.
660
00:25:49,017 --> 00:25:50,523
But actually, no, it was...
it was a man.
661
00:25:50,558 --> 00:25:51,857
- It was him there.
- (GRUNTS)
662
00:25:51,892 --> 00:25:54,100
Not him. Him!
663
00:25:56,557 --> 00:25:58,420
- This is all on you.
- What?
664
00:25:58,456 --> 00:25:59,774
You had one job.
665
00:25:59,809 --> 00:26:01,860
I expect. I'm not sure
exactly what you do.
666
00:26:01,896 --> 00:26:04,815
I saved everybody, so I think
the words you're looking for
667
00:26:04,850 --> 00:26:06,106
are "thank you, Billie"
668
00:26:06,141 --> 00:26:08,690
and "I'm sorry I've got
a rod up my metal ass."
669
00:26:08,725 --> 00:26:10,523
I hope you're trampled
by this conga line...
670
00:26:10,558 --> 00:26:11,774
Whoa!
671
00:26:11,809 --> 00:26:15,398
Iris, I'll be in my cabin
with a protein ball and a gun.
672
00:26:15,434 --> 00:26:17,732
- Yes, Mr. Judd...
- JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris!
673
00:26:17,767 --> 00:26:19,600
(YELLING) I heard you!
674
00:26:21,141 --> 00:26:22,648
JORDAN: Well, I think that's my time.
675
00:26:22,683 --> 00:26:25,774
So thanks for coming, everyone,
to see the funniest man
676
00:26:25,809 --> 00:26:27,273
in the universe.
677
00:26:27,308 --> 00:26:29,640
That's me, in case it wasn't clear.
678
00:26:30,075 --> 00:26:34,082
I think everything will be okay
if we just stick together.
679
00:26:35,188 --> 00:26:38,108
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Worked for
every extinct species in history.
680
00:26:38,474 --> 00:26:40,183
MATT: What a crazy night, right?
681
00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:42,558
Knock, knock.
682
00:26:43,892 --> 00:26:46,350
(CHUCKLES) Knock, knock.
683
00:26:47,141 --> 00:26:48,558
(MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN)
684
00:26:50,642 --> 00:26:52,648
- These... These people are...
- (PHONE CHIMES)
685
00:26:52,683 --> 00:26:54,356
...the bravest and the boldest.
686
00:26:54,391 --> 00:26:58,774
They are humanity's finest,
and they need safe...
687
00:26:58,809 --> 00:27:01,648
(CLAMORING AND SINGING)
688
00:27:01,683 --> 00:27:03,642
- (LAUGHTER)
- (CHEERING)
689
00:27:04,809 --> 00:27:06,231
(RETCHING)
690
00:27:06,266 --> 00:27:07,815
(SIGHS)
691
00:27:08,072 --> 00:27:09,857
STAFFER: The President will see you now.
692
00:27:09,892 --> 00:27:10,899
Great.
693
00:27:10,934 --> 00:27:12,356
- (CHEERING CONTINUES)
- MATT: Hey, uh,
694
00:27:12,391 --> 00:27:15,106
Jordan's gonna be
signing merchandise at the bar.
695
00:27:15,141 --> 00:27:17,732
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
He's in hiding.
696
00:27:17,767 --> 00:27:20,017
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
697
00:27:22,821 --> 00:27:26,821
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed.com
698
00:28:21,312 --> 00:28:24,315
I may be a fake, and a fraud,
and a terrible lay,
699
00:28:24,350 --> 00:28:26,774
and a credit risk,
but I am still a useful,
700
00:28:26,809 --> 00:28:27,809
functioning...
701
00:28:28,225 --> 00:28:29,732
- Actually can you do this? Yeah.
- Yeah.
702
00:28:29,767 --> 00:28:30,767
- (BEEPING)
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
703
00:28:30,803 --> 00:28:33,356
Why is the ship beeping?
Gotta be a warning of some kind.
704
00:28:33,391 --> 00:28:35,398
Yes. You don't usually have
a recurring beep
705
00:28:35,433 --> 00:28:36,899
to tell you everything
is going just fine.
706
00:28:36,934 --> 00:28:38,940
- Why can you panic and I can't panic?
- I'm not panicking.
707
00:28:38,975 --> 00:28:40,148
- (BEEPING)
- Iris!
708
00:28:40,183 --> 00:28:43,141
The ship is beeping.
This could cause mass distress.
709
00:28:43,475 --> 00:28:44,266
(BEEPING)
710
00:28:44,558 --> 00:28:45,940
- I need you to hook me up.
- What do you need?
711
00:28:45,975 --> 00:28:47,231
Porno, mint jelly?
712
00:28:47,266 --> 00:28:48,607
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
713
00:28:48,642 --> 00:28:49,809
(SCREAMING)
714
00:28:50,183 --> 00:28:51,774
Lots of sedatives.
715
00:28:51,809 --> 00:28:53,642
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
54362
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