All language subtitles for Van Wilder Freshman Year (2009)

[Pomp & Circumstanceplays]

[microphone feedback]

There is one
graduate here today

that has won every single honor

and award this school gives out.

That graduate...[laughs]

- ...our friend, is Van Wilder.
- [cheering]

[cheering stops]

Standing here today,

I cannot help but wish I could
stay in high school forever.

I mean, there are
so many warm mammories...

...memories,
I have of this place.

But you see change,
like life,

has a way
of sneaking up on us...

...when we least
expect it. Yeah. Huh.

Sure, the timing may
seem very, very bad...

...but yet it feels good,

oh, so good,

to be graduating with
some of the sharpest minds

and swiftly darting tongues

that this school
has to offer.[laughs]

Listen to me ramble. I am
really giving you a mouthful.

But before I'm finished,
it is my extreme pleasure

to recognize someone
who has aced her oral exams,

who has always
been head of the class,

graduating summa cum...

[whimpering]

Hm!

...laude.

- Our very own valedictorian.
- [cheering]

Congratulations,
graduates!

[cheering]

- Congratulations, son.
- Thanks.

Let's get outta here.
The sooner we get to Amsterdam,

- the sooner we won't
be able to remember it.
- Yeah.

- You're not going to Amsterdam.
- I can't.

Sheik Mohammad is building
an island outside of Dubai.

I'm gonna help him import
a million tons of sand.

This is a huge opportunity,
Van. C'mon. You're gonna have
a great time without me.

Exploring nether regions
in the Netherlands
is not a bad way

to spend your summer
before college.

I don't know why
I can't just skip college
and come work for you.

- I mean, I know the business,
we could hang out...
- Van.

Every Wilder man
has graduated from Coolidge.
It's tradition.

And tradition is something
you just don't break.

I gotta run.

Have a great time,
do everything I wouldn't do

- and remember:
Banging, broke or blitzed...
- A Wilder never quits.

- Write that down.
- [♪ The Offspring:
You're Gonna Go Far, Kid]

♪ Show me how to lie
You're getting
better all the time ♪

♪ And turning all
against the one is an
art that's hard to teach ♪

♪ Now dance, fucker
Dance, man ♪

♪ He never had a chance
And no one even knew ♪

♪ It was really only you ♪

♪ And now you steal away ♪

♪ Take him out today ♪

♪ Nice work you did ♪

♪ You're gonna go far, kid ♪

♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪

♪ Hit 'em right
between the eyes, hit 'em
right between the eyes ♪

♪ When you walk away
Nothing more to say ♪

♪ See the lightning
in your eyes, see 'em
running for their lives ♪

♪ Slowly out of line
and drifting closer
in your sights ♪

♪ So play it out
I'm wide awake
It's a scene about me ♪

♪ There's something
in your way
and now someone is gonna pay ♪

♪ And if you can't get
what you want ♪

♪ Well, it's all
because of me ♪

♪ Now dance, fucker, dance
Man, I never had a chance ♪

♪ And no one even knew
It was really only you ♪

♪ And now you'll lead the way ♪

♪ Show the light of day ♪

♪ Nice work you did ♪

♪ You're gonna go far, kid ♪

♪ Trust, deceived ♪

♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪

♪ Hit 'em right between
the eyes, hit 'em right
between the eyes ♪

♪ When you walk away
Nothing more to say ♪

♪ See the lightning in your
eyes, see 'em running
for their lives ♪

♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪

- ♪ Hit 'em right... ♪
- Well, well.
Look who just arrived.

♪ Walk away
Nothing more to say ♪

♪ See the lightning
in your eyes, see 'em
running for their lives ♪

Van, do you have to go
back to the college?

Come back
to Amsterdam with us.

Dulia, Babette,
I'm sorry ladies, but I must.

♪ Now dance, fucker, dance ♪

♪ He never had a chance ♪

♪ And no one even knew
It was really only you ♪

♪ So dance, fucker, dance ♪

I've been waiting
30 years for this.

♪ With a thousand lies
and a good disguise ♪

♪ Hit 'em right between
the eyes, hit 'em right
between the eyes ♪

♪ When you walk away
Nothing more to say ♪

♪ See the lightning
in your eyes, see 'em
running for their lives ♪♪

It's a little small,
but I can work with it.

Van Wilder.
I'm your new roommate.

All right.

Farley.

Smoke?

[Farley] Man, am I glad
we are roommates, man!

This place
is a pimper's paradise.

I'm gonna make some
of my special brownies.

[♪ Roz Bell: Papercut]

♪ I don't want to hear ♪

♪ Unless that thing you say ♪

♪ Is how you need me here,
Oh! ♪

♪ I know I've rolled around ♪

♪ I didn't treat you right ♪

[knock on door]

[gasps] My God, we've been
invaded by Supercuts!

- Lt. Dirk Arnold, ROTC.
- Corporal Benedict...

- Oh! ROTC.
- Van Wilder, WTF.

The Honorable Dean
Charles Reardon requests
your presence immediately.

But I just put my slippers on.

Van Wilder, sir,
as you ordered.

Return to your squad.

Well, well, Mr. Wilder,
nice of you to join us.

Colonel Charles Reardon,
dean, Coolidge College.

How's it hanging, Chuck?

You see these fine,
young men, Wilder?

These are Reardon's Raiders.

They've won every ROTC war game
for the past three years.

- They're my pride and joy.
- Good doggies.

I especially
like your Chihuahua.

Lady Liberty is a
purebred Italian greyhound.

Actually, I was
talkin' about that guy.

Arnold!

Secure Lady Liberty.

Let's you and me
take a little ride, son.

Stay!

- Good dog.
- Get the lead out, Wilder!

[Reardon] I went to school
here with your father.

He acted like
he owned the place,
just 'cause his family's name

was on that
building over there. You know
what that name means to me?

About as much
as titties on a mule, son.

I run this outfit now,
and while you're here,

you'll follow
Reardon's rules.

No drinking, no fornicating
and no partying, period.

Or you'll be the first
Wilder who fails
to graduate from Coolidge.

- Now, do you follow me?
- Yes, sir!

You prefer your
mules tit-less!

[brakes squeal]

Let's get one thing straight.

I may not be able to
kick you outta here

'cause of your daddy's dough,

but you screw with me and I'll
make it so you'll pray to leave.

Out!

I'm glad we had this talk.

Means there won't be
any problems in the future.

Party tonight,
party tonight.

Party tonight,
party tonight, thank you.

You smell that, Farley? [sniffs]
That's the smell of opportunity.

The smell of thousands
of new girls, the...

Hello! Van Wilder,
chairman of freshman relations,
self-appointed.

- This is my partner,
Farley Marley.
- Jah rastafari.

- He's from Jamaica.
- Right.

We're having a little
room-warming soirée,
nothing big,

a few hundred friends,
foam machine,
nitrous Frappuccino.

- We would love it
if you ladies came.
- A party?

You're joking, right?

No!

It's OK.

[snoring]

Wow. This is embarrassing.

I can't believe
nobody showed up.

- [knock on door]
- Well, it's about time.

Party?

[down-tempo rock music plays]

So, Yu Dum Fok.
You came all the way
here from China?

Yes. Village I grow up in
boring as shit. No party.

I dream of a beer bong,
bimbos and boob on my butt.

So I work in sweatshop,
save money, come here.

Cannot even afford room.
Have to sleep in janitor closet.

That's one of the most
beautiful things I've
ever heard, Yu Dum Fok.

No offense to your ancestors,
but maybe we'll just
call you Yu, Yu.

Van, how come no hot
young American cat?

Coolidge is number one
party school!

1979. Wow!

Girls used to have hair?

I hate to break it
to you, Yu,

but I don't think
that's the case anymore.

No party?

No beer bong?

- No boob on butt?
- No.

I go to janitor closet now.
Drink breach.

Whoa, whoa, whoa
Forget the breach.

Boys, it's toga time.

[rock music plays]

- Friends, Romans, grunting
women, lend me your beers.
- [record scratches]

[choral music plays]

Welcome.

- Nice jugs.
- They contain
the sacred blood of the lamb.

- Do you wish to be purified?
- We here for boob on butt.

Actually, I think
we're lost.

Come with me. My sisters
will take care of your friends.

- [indistinct chatter]
- I'm not sure if you're aware,

but in the past few years,
Coolidge has become

a more religious
and conservative campus
than it used to be.

I'd better take these.

Alcohol is the
devil's mouthwash.
At Coolidge, we're dry.

You know, science has made
incredible advancements
in personal lubrication.

You won't be
needing these, either.

Orgasms are
the devil's heroin.

- Just once and you're hooked.
- Hm.

Oh, daughters of Jerusalem,

do not awaken love
until it is ready.

- [women] Amen.
- Song of Solomon, 8:4.

Let she who is without sin

- grasp the first bone.
- [women laugh]

Wilder, 69.

Perhaps you and your
friends should look
into a different school.

- We have enough sinners.
- You wouldn't happen to have
their phone numbers, would you?

You have a very impure spirit.

There's a dark, wretched
hole waiting for you.

OK, but you have to
buy me a drink first.

I think that can be arranged.

[Van] Now I know what
a tampon feels like.

This is a complete fuckery,
you know, man.

No poon-poon, no ganja,

vampires for Jesus
throwing blood at us?

I can't take four years
of this bullshit.

We drink breach, get sent home.

Hey! No one's
drinking breach!

- And no one's goin' home.
- So, what did you have in mind?

- [indistinct chatter, laughter]
- [washing machine whirring]

We shake things up a bit.

- [buzzing]
- [woman moaning]

- Oh, yeah!
- Why don't we just buy some?

- [woman] Oh, Lordy!
- Where's the fun in that?

- [dance music plays]
- This almost as good
as boob on butt.

[moaning]

[mooing]

[chittering]

[yelps]

[moaning]

Say hello to my little friend.

[imitating gun]

[buzzing]

[both scream]

- Shh!
- [buzzing]

Sorry.

Don't forget to floss.

Hi, Dirk.
How's that big gun of yours?

- Hey, honeybear.
- Hey, honeybear!

Kaitlin.
So nice you could make it.

We missed you
in bible study... again.

- Hymnal?
- [Van] Whoa!

Nice arm, Jezebel.

- I believe this is yours.
- Thanks.

Van Wilder.
Hopeless romantic.

- Kaitlin Hayes.
- My girlfriend.

It's nice to see
there are some Christians
who still do charity work.

[laughs]

- C'mon, Kaitlin, let's go.
- Yeah!

Before all
the good seats are taken!

No, thanks.
I brought my own.

[woman] Thank you.

Today I wanna talk
about something

that's all over this school,

and it isn't pencils, no,
and it isn't books.

But it's sin. S-I-N: Sin.

You know, it seems
like they'll let just about
anybody in school these days,

except Jesus.

And, you know, I took the time
to check Jesus' transcripts,

and I found out that
Jesus has a perfect GPA.

Yeah, that stands
for God Point Average.

- [laughter]
- [preacher] Amen, amen.

[all] Amen.

But what is the number-one sin
on campus today?

Quite plainly, it's sex.

- Sex. Sex.
- S-E-X: Sex.

Even as we're speaking,
the sinnin' is beginnin'.

- Amen.
- [all] Amen.

- [preacher] Amen, sisters.
- Gentlemen.

The Lord is about to work
in very mysterious ways.

[preacher] That's right,
sisters. I want you
to feel the Lord inside ya.

- [up-tempo music plays]
- Because fornication,
copulation,

- and the king of all sins,
masturbation...
- [buzzing]

...is happening all around us,
even at this very moment.

- Amen!
- [all] Amen!

But we've got a secret,

because we've
got Jesus on our side.

- [moaning]
- Can I get an amen?

- [all] Amen!
- [preacher] Amen, sisters!

- Yes, they're
feelin' it right now!
- Ooh!

They got the power of the Lord,
deep down inside 'em!

- [all] Amen!
- Hallelujah, sister!

- Hallelujah!
- [all] Hallelujah!

- [buzzing]
- [moaning]

[preacher] I want each of you
out there to pray.

Pray that you might be feelin'
what they're feelin'.

- [all] Amen!
- They're talkin'
to the big guy.

- Amen!
- [preacher] The sisters are
feelin' mighty good right now.

[all shouting]

It's time for
some tits and mass.

[all moaning]

- Amen!
- Amen!

Amen, sisters!
That's what I'm talkin' about!

[women] Amen!

You might as well open up
your pearly gates, dear Lord,

'cause these sisters are comin'!
These sisters are comin'!

These sisters are comin'!

[all] Amen!

[vibrator moos]

- You know what these are?
- Yes, sir.

And I think experimentation
is healthy for any marriage.

You listen to me, funny man.

I can't prove it,
but I know it was you.

And, you can rest assured, I
will get to the bottom of this.

In this case, Chuck,
may I recommend some Vaseline.

You know, nowadays,
the dean has much
more... influence

over a student's curriculum.

And I have got something
special in store for you.

Something to build character.
Something to make you a man.

[men chanting] Left! Left! Left!

I'm gonna take a stab in
the dark and say that none of
you signed up for this either.

Well, if they think that
we came to college to waste
our time playing soldier

to some slack-jawed,
pituitary-pumping,

testosterone-tweaking
Neanderthal, then they...

...are 100 percent correct.

[Kaitlin] Atten-hut!
Straight line! Eyes forward!

I'm Corporal Hayes.
I will be your drill instructor.

It's my job to guide you
through your ROTC
physical training,

which is required to graduate
from this institution.

Are there any questions?

- Yes, soldier.
- Do you, by chance,

- drill in private?
- Well, Mr. Wilder,
if you'd like,

I'm sure I can arrange
for us to spend a little
one-on-one time together.

[Kaitlin] This
a new experience for you?

Yeah.
I usually go electric.

Helps get those
hard-to-reach spots.

Hilarious. I've met
guys like you before.

The only person
you care about is yourself.

- Something funny?
- Yeah.

I just can't wait
to prove you wrong.

We'll see. Oh, and by the way,
you missed a spot.

Enjoy.

[gags]

I'm sorry.
I ordered mine well-done.

I have better food
in sweatshop.

Oh, it can't be that bad, Yu.

What? I had the munchies.

Well, look what we have here.

I haven't seen this many turds

since I won that campus
hot dog eating contest.

- [laughter]
- Yeah, I haven't
seen this many pansies

since I was picking
flowers yesterday. [laughs]

Remember, I was making that
arrangement, and the...

So how's the chow, ladies?

I give the presentation
three stars, I really do.

But the pseudo-meat,
it's a little dry.

Oh. [snorting]

[snorting]

There ya go. All better.

- Yum, yum, yum.
- [laughing]

[laughing]

You know, I heard they were
looking for a few good men,

but I guess they'll take
whatever they can get.

- [Kaitlin] Hey, Dirk!
- Kaitlin! Hey, honeybear, hi!

- Mm!
- What are you boys up to?

Well, we were just
congratulating these
fine young soldiers

here on their first day
of duty. You know me:
Lieutenant Friendly.

Lieutenant Friendly
here even volunteered
to switch meals with me.

Oh, what a nice guy!

Mm! Yum, yum.
That is so good.

How's yours, Dirk?

Oh, God.

Mm... Oh.

Well? How was it?

Always leading by example.

- So are we still
going to the game?
- Oh, I...

You bet we are! What game?

- There's a football game
this weekend.
- Really?!

These losers haven't
won a game in years.

It's not about winning
or losing. It's about
supporting your school.

You know what? You are so
right, babe! School spirit.

- Well, I'm gonna
get back to class.
- OK.

Bye!

All right,
guess what, queer-bait?

You're officially
on my bad side.

[laughing]

- [grunting]
- [booing]

The team's a joke,

but the concessions will
probably buy me a new Humvee.

- [laughs]
- [whistle blows]

I take bigger hits than
these guys for breakfast.

Naw, it's not
the team's fault.

- You guys, come on!
- They've got no inspiration.

[PA] Looks like the
cheerleaders are asking
for divine intervention.

- [Van] I'll be right back.
- Where you going, man?

To fix this.

I have never seen such
a sorry display in all my life.

I mean, where's the fire?
Where's the intensity?

And, for God's sake,
where are the tight ends?!

Your team needs you out there.

OK, being a cheerleader
isn't about pigtails
and pom-poms.

It's about standing by your
team, even when they suck.

Especially when... they suck.

- [all] Yeah.
- Do you think you can do that?

- [all] Yes.
- Do you think you can
give it the old college try?

- [all] Yes.
- Do you think,
maybe, just maybe,

- you can help those guys score?
- [all] Yes!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

But first...

...we're gonna
have to make a few cuts.

- [hip-hop music plays]
- [cheering]

Who knew our
cheerleaders were hot?

Who knew our
cheerleaders were women?

Hey, guys.
The girls have done their part.

Now it's your turn.

Oh, and they said
if you win this thing,

they're throwing you
a victory party.

Victory party, guys.

All right, let's go!
One, two, three.

- [all] Coolidge!
- [PA] They're lining up,

this crowd
is showing signs of life.

Come on!
I know you can do it now!

[PA] I don't know
whose idea it was,

but if these cheerleaders
are grinding it harder
than Juan Valdez.

[rock music plays]

What the...?

Sweet Jesus!

[cheering]

That's what
I'm talkin' about! Whoo!

Yeah!

[music continues]

[shouting]

- [grunting]
- [cheering]

Whoo!

[yelling, laughing]

[dance music plays]

[all shouting, laughing]

- [man] Watch your head!
- [bottle breaks]

Guys, give me a ride.

Oh!

Whoo!

[dance music continues]

Hey.

- School spirit?
- No, thanks.

How 'bout a beer?

- [belching]
- In a bottle.

I shouldn't be here.

- [gagging]
- [all shouting]

[man] Whoo!

Hey! Wait up!

I'll walk you
back to your dorm.

I'm sorry. I just...
I can't afford to do anything

that might jeopardize getting
into officer training school.

Understandable.

I must seem like
such a goody two-shoes.

No. I was
gonna say prude.

You know, you should read
The Art of Warby Sun Tzu.

He say, "All great warfare
is based on deception.

Offer the enemy bait
to lure him.

Feign disorder...
and crush him."

Or her.

He also says we
cannot enter alliances

until we know the designs
of our neighbors. Good night.

Whoa!

You're not even going to
let me escort you to your room?

Now what kind of a prude
would that make me?

[♪ Something Corporate:
Cavanaugh Park]

♪ At Cavanaugh Park ♪

♪ Where I used to sit
all alone in the dark ♪

♪ And dream about things
that I cannot say ♪

♪ You always said destiny
would blow me away ♪

♪ And nothing's
gonna blow me away ♪

Hey! Where'd you come from?

Broke out of
your little cage, huh?

Whoa! What the hell?

Oh, my God!

You're my new best friend.

Here's to you.

Colossus.

- Hey.
- Hey. Great party.

Don't thank me.
Thank tequila.

'Sup?

Found your pants.

[sighing] Ah...

Van, I took your advice about
shaving my excess body hair

and it worked. She said
I'd get laid tonight.

- What's her major?
- Pre-law.

- Get it in writing.
- [guy] Hey, Van...

- [all shouting]
- Hey, guys!

I will get to all of you later.
I promise!

Wow!

Hey!
Big man on campus.

- A blessing and a curse.
- Van! Van!

- I need your help.
- Whoa. Calm down, Yu.

I meet girl
in class, berry sexy.

So I say she beautiful.

She say, "Get lost."
So I say she smart.

She say, "Get lost!"
So I say, "I know Van Wilder."

And she say, "Where your room?"

Things heating up,

but the first I give
her connie ring ass...

- Connie-who?
- Connie ring ass!

Ring ass?

- Ring ass! Cunnilingus!
- Oh, right!

So next thing,
she cry, she run out!

Show me what you did.

[slurping, moaning]

Jesus, man! You're lucky
they didn't send her
to the fucking hospital.

Where did you learn that?

- Sex crass.
- What sex crass?

Now sex is achieved
when a male's sin stick

is in, on or in the same room
as a female's hell hole.

Now, no matter
what the woman says,

the act of procreation should
only last for a few seconds.

And remember, if it feels good,
you're doing it wrong.

Professor Downs,
there's an emergency phone call.

- Your wife was in an accident.
- Tell her I'll call her later.

- And she totaled your Mustang.
- That bitch!

Class, um, turn
to pages 20-22 and...

Hello? Wake up!

My name is Professor Wilder.

I have a BA,
an MA and a Ph.D.

And I received
a BJ from a double D.

[laughter]

These are my
teaching assistants.

[rock music plays]

Welcome to Sex... 101.

This is hot.

[all] Yeah!

- This is not.
- [all] No!

- Hands?
- [laughter]

Bad!

We call this maneuver
"flanking."

- Who can name this position?
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!

- Yu.
- Glass Bottom Boat.

- And this one.
- [mumbling]

Oh! Annalingus!

And that one.

Mississippi Kiss the Gypsy.

Preying Mantis.

Tony Danza. Superman.

- The Chizard of Oz.
- [laughter]

That's my favorite.

- Ladies.
- [all] Hello, hands.

- Meet the glands.
- And?

[all] Don't be daft,
work the shaft.

- Guys.
- [all] Don't be a twit,

- rub that clit.
- You're learning.

- [laughter]
- Now, remember,

always practice safe sex.
But clean up after yourselves.

Condoms are like newspapers.
They may be filled
with important stuff now,

but you don't want 'em lying
around tomorrow morning.

Write that down.

Oh, Miss Hayes.

I'll let it slide this time,
but if you plan
on being teacher's pet,

you really should
stay after class.

Class? [laughs]
You're kidding, right?

Nothing from that
soft-porn seminar would
actually work in real life.

OK, I give you
tongue if you like.

The point is you put
on a disgusting display
of vulgar anatomy,

crude stereotypes
and dirty limericks.

Which you took
copious notes on.

This is all a game to you.
It's a lot of smooth talk.

And then it's wham,
bam, thank you, Van.

Well, my father taught me
if it's something worth doing,
it's worth doing right.

Well, my father taught me
the best things in life
are worth waiting for.

- Wait.
- Catch you later, teach.

Van! Van! OK...

Thank you, thank you.

- I'm Yu.
- I'm Dongmei.

[speaking Chinese]

You know, I am
not sure what it is,

but there is something
in the air tonight.

- Something called...
- [Farley] Love, girl.

See, that's what the
reggae music is all about.

- Love and...
- [Yu] Shrimp?

[moaning]

[♪ Bedouin Soundclash:
When The Night Feels My Song]

[Dongmei moaning]

♪ Heading down
off the mountain slope ♪

♪ And as my steps echo, echo ♪

- Look at those...
- Flamethrowers!
Use the flamethrowers!

♪ Another day is done ♪

Permission to come inside, sir?

Kaitlin, you look like a...

Tramp. That's what
I feel like sometimes.

I mean, I know she has a
boyfriend, but it's like...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
be boring you with all this.

Here. I have a little
surprise for us.

♪ And hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, beautiful day
Hey, beautiful day ♪

♪ When the night ♪

[Dongmei] Sweet and sour.

- Ready, aim, fire!
- [pops]

- [bubbling]
- ♪ I'll be home ♪

Kaitlin,
what's gotten into you?

Let's just say I learned
a few things in class today.

Whoa.

Kaitlin,
I need my energy.

I have to pass that obstacle
course in the morning.

I'll give you an obstacle.

Don't.

♪ I'm not sure
of my every step ♪

[slurping]

♪ Follow the wind
that pushes me west ♪

[moaning]

[pops]

♪ And hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

[moaning]

- ♪ Hey, beautiful day ♪
- [moaning]

[screaming]

♪ Hey, beautiful day ♪

I am so glad you
weren't busy tonight.

[panting]

- ♪ I'll be home ♪
- Go ahead.

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ When the night ♪

♪ Feels my song ♪

♪ I'll be home ♪

♪ I'll be home ♪♪

- [gasps] God!
- Shh!

Put some of Professor Van's
methods to the test last night?

You wish.
What about you?

I figured you'd be
in Wilder Hall sucking beers
with Susie Sorority.

Travel books. Hm.

I always had you pegged as more
of a Soldier of Fortunegirl.

Traveling's one of the
reasons why I wanna be in
the military. To see the world.

You know, there are vacations
that don't involve machine guns.

Oh, right. Spring break
in Mexico, winters
in the Caribbean.

You probably spent
summer in Amsterdam.

I think it's important
to familiarize oneself
with international... tongues.

[scoffs] Life's just
one big party, isn't it?

Why shouldn't it be?

Last time I checked,
we only go around once, right?

Unless you believe
in reincarnation.

In that case, I wanna
come back as a ThighMaster.

What?

Hey! Wait up!

You know, you could be
a great leader

if you just learned
how to follow orders first.

Not a big fan of
authority figures, actually.

- Oh. Someone has father issues.
- That makes two of us.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, come on.

The whole military routine,
the tough exterior.

You don't know anything
about my father or me.

- You see a uniform...
- You see a name on a building.

Well, why don't
you surprise me, hm?

All right. First of all, I've
never even been in Wilder Hall.

And, secondly, for someone
who's so big on rules...

Here it is.
"Student undergarments

should be as modest
and unrevealing as possible."

- So?
- So my sixth sense
is telling me...

Oh! You're a thong girl!

What? No, I'm not.

My sixth sense does not lie.

Well, it does this time,
and in the future,

you might want to keep it
and the rest of your senses
to yourself.

Some things
are private, private.

Corporal, I think it's time we
take things to the next level.

I have waited so long
to hear you say that.

- What?
- Nothing, I...

Eve! Jesus, you almost
scared the courage out of me.

Hey, Dirk. I was just
wondering if you could help me.

- With what?
- I need to talk to God.

So go talk to him.
I'm busy.

I need to feel him
inside of me.

[mouthing silently]

Don't you wanna
help me find God?

- Listen, I don't know
what you're on...
- Just fuck me!

- [screaming]
- [tires screeching]

- Get away from me, devil-woman!
- Dirk!

- Faster!
- You get back here!

Yes, I bought you
toilet paper.

- [barking]
- No, it's not quilted.

Golly!

[neck cracks]

I won't ask
if you don't tell?

[laughing]

What the...? Hey!

Put me down!

[Van] Is this where
you bring all the boys?

Oh, yeah,
you're a real comedian.

You like cracking your jokes,
throwing your little parties,

sticking your tongue
in other people's property?

Can someone
get this guy a Tic Tac?

Well, I got news for you,
Mr. Cool Guy,

Mr. Rock 'n' Roll,
Mr. Hot Crotch!

Your party-boy bullshit
has no place here at Coolidge.

And you're about
to find out the hard way.

- Ah, I wanna watch!
- This should teach you
not to mess with my girl.

- [shouting]
- [laughing] Hold him!

Come on, Wilder!
Drink up!

Had enough?

You wouldn't happen to have
a pale ale on tap, would ya?

Screw it.

- [Yu] How your face feel?
- Like a punching bag.

Maybe you should
find another girl.

Nah, it's not
just the girl, Farley.

Dirk and Reardon and
all the rest of those
Cro-Magnon crotch-diggers

need to learn they can't run
this place like Guantanamo U.

- [sniffing]
- [sniffing]

Ah, man! Who's been
feeding that dog corn again?

Farley, get some gloves.

All right, girls!

This is covert ops!
I want it by the book!

- Now camo up. Let's go!
- [all] Sir, yes sir!

- Jesus, it smells.
- Come on! Faster! Move! Yeah!

- Put it on!
- Ugh!

Mother of God. Uh...
Sir, he's right.

It smells like sh...

What do you want it to
smell like? Roses? Put it on!

All right troops, one mile left.
Double-time! Let's go!

- What happened to your face?
- I ran into a tool.

[military drumbeat]

[all shouting]

- Oh, Dirk!
- Not now, honeybear.

We're in the middle
of covert ops!

- What's that smell?
- That smell?

- It's the smell of war!
- [yelling]

Well, it smells like crap.

- Is that corn?
- Oh!

- Back to base showers now!
- [yelling]

Ran into a tool, huh?

[knock on door]

Wilder is dead!

Dirk, what are you doing here?
It's against the rules.

- I don't care about the rules.
- Now you sound like Van.

No, no, no, no. Don't you
dare say that name to me.

I don't even wanna...
I don't wanna...

- ...hear that name!
- Dirk, calm down.

You're forbidden
to see him again!

Excuse me?
You can't tell me who to see.

Oh, you heard me, corporal.
I don't want you to see him.

You don't talk to him, period!

Or what?
You'll beat him up again?

He's not one of us,
Kaitlin!

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, then I don't wanna be
one of us either. Get out, Dirk.

Wait, what?
You can't break up with me.

We have cuddle-wuddle
time at 2100 hours.

Cuddle with your gun.

Oh, and you can keep
Major McHuggles!

- Where are the others?
- Just you and me
today, soldier.

I figured you need
a little one-on-one training.

- Uh-huh.
- You have ten minutes
to run the course.

- Let's see if you can keep up.
- Care to make it interesting?

If I win, you have
to let me take you out.

Nothing sexual,
just a tour around campus.

- And if you don't?
- I'll do latrine duty
for a month.

- [laughs] You're on.
- Great. When do I start?

- You already have.
- Oh.

[♪ Jebediah: I Ran]

♪ I walked along the avenue ♪

♪ I never thought
I'd meet a girl like you ♪

♪ Meet a girl like you ♪

♪ With auburn hair
and tawny eyes ♪

♪ The kind of eyes
that hypnotize me through ♪

♪ Hypnotize me through ♪

♪ And I ran
I ran so far away ♪

♪ I couldn't get away ♪

♪ A cloud appears
above your head ♪

♪ A beam of light
comes shining down on you ♪

- [screaming]
- ♪ Shining down on you ♪

♪ The cloud is moving
nearer still ♪

♪ Aurora borealis
comes in view ♪

♪ Aurora comes in view ♪

♪ And I ran
I ran so far away ♪

♪ I just ran
I ran all night and day ♪

♪ I couldn't get away ♪

[Van panting]

You're running out of time!

I can't... I don't have...

Come on.
You have ten seconds.

Ten, nine, eight...

- Hey, Wilder!
- Huh?

Do you want this or what?

♪ Aurora borealis
comes in view ♪

[grunting] Whoo!

I knew you had it in you.

Piece of cake. Let me know
if you find my right testicle.

Come on, Milk Dud.
I'll buy you an ice cream.

- Mother! All right!
- ♪ I just ran
I ran all night and day ♪

- Ice cream! [screams]
- ♪ I couldn't get away ♪♪

[Reardon] Look at 'em,
lieutenant.

Morons. Listening
to their retard rock.

Horn dogs, tongue dancing
like cousins in a closet.

You see what's happening
down there, don't ya?

Chaos, anarchy,
ironic t-shirts.

I'm losing control, damn it,
and I refuse to let that happen.

Do you know
who's behind it, sir?

Oh... [laughs] I know
who's behind it, all right.

It's that same rooster
that's been sniffing
around your hen house.

Looks like somebody
needs another beating!

Forget it. Beating him up
is like beating off.

It might feel good doing it,
but in the end,

we're standing there
with our dicks in our hands.

No. We need something more.

I could...
beat up his roommates, sir.

Goddamn it, boy.
You stupid?

Wait a minute.

Isn't his roommate that pothead?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Lieutenant,
I've got an idea.

[car horn honks]

[soft rock plays]

Milady,
your chariot awaits.

- How did you get this?
- Chuck lent it to me.

- We go way back.
- Uh-huh. Thanks.

- This is incredible.
- You said you always wanted
to see the world.

- I thought we'd start
with the tropics.
- [laughs]

Oh, I almost forgot
the most important part.

- Mm. What is it?
- It's my own concoction.

- I call it the amputated leg.
- Why?

'Cause if you have more than
one, you're flat on your ass.

[laughs]

Christ! Look at this place.
It's like a homo's paradise.

- You want a cosmo?
- Put that down.

Put it down. Get over here.
Stupid ass.

You have the stuff?

You have no idea where
I had to hide this.

Put it over there
in that plant thingy.

Oh, technically,
that's a variegated ficus.

- Shut up! Just put it in!
- Ow! Ow!

[dialing phone]

- [ringing]
- [indistinct voice over phone]

Hello. I'd like
to report the possession
of some illegal narcotics.

[Kaitlin] I can't
believe I'm doing this,

blowing off my homework,

drinking and riding
in a stolen vehicle, no less.

God bless America.

You know, what you've
done here, it's pretty great.

Well, Farley's the one who
scooped out the pineapple.

[laughs] Shut up.
I mean here, this, Coolidge.

I don't know.
People seem happier.

Because they're
thinking for themselves.

They don't have some father
figure telling them what to do.

Oh, back to the father issues.

You know a little bit
about mine. What about yours?

Well, let's see.
My father's a sergeant,

his father was a sergeant.
He always wanted a son
who was an officer.

Guess I'm just trying
to get it half right.

Yeah, but the real question is:
is this what makes you happy?

Family makes me happy.
Tradition.

Tradition is something
that keeps card
companies in business.

I think at some point
you gotta say, "I'm gonna
do what I'm wanna do, Dad.

- So quit busting my balls!"
- [laughs] Yeah,
I'll be sure to mention that

when I have dinner with him.

You might wanna
leave out the balls part.

We should have a toast.

- To Coolidge.
- To you.

To us.

- Ah!
- [laughs]

- Shall I take you home?
- Actually,

there's something
I've heard about
that I've been dying to see.

My God, it's huge!

Well, Farley and I both
live here. Yu uses the hot tub.

This is the bigger
than some of the military
housing I grew up in.

I think it's a lot like me.

Simple, yet elegant,
coarse, but refined,

and it could definitely
use a woman's...

...touch.

I've always wanted to do that.

Whoa!

The amputated leg
strikes again.

- Your roommates around?
- I sent them to the movies.

So they'll be back soon.

- I sent them to all the movies.
- That's good.

With Dirk, I always
felt like someone was
gonna break down the door.

Don't move!

- Search the place.
- Are you in
some kind of trouble?

Either that, or the library
has seriously changed
its overdue book policy.

We got an anonymous tip
that there are some
illegal narcotics

being hidden
in the plant thingy.

There's nothing in the bag.
It's empty, sir.

False alarm.
You kids have a nice evening.

Oh, and don't forget
to wrap it up.

What just happened?

[Yu] What wrong with Colossus?

[Farley] Damn, yo,
that dog is mad blazed.

He must've eaten a whole pound.

Hey, don't be
lookin' at me, man.

I keep my stuff right here.

- Hydroponics.
- You know, messing
with me is one thing.

- But nobody screws my pooch.
- [Kaitlin] It's Dirk.

It's gotta be. He's
trying to get even with me
for breaking up with him.

You two broke up?
I'm sorry to hear that.

I just can't believe
he'd go this far.

I don't think he did.

I think old Dirky-boy's
playing Vanna
to someone else's Sajak.

And now it's our turn
to spin the wheel.

What do you mean
he wasn't arrested?

- We didn't find any drugs.
- Officer, can you tell me why,

at such a fine institute
of higher learning,

I'm surrounded by idiots?!

[PA] It's time
for your massage, sir.

Send them in. Get out.
You're incompetent.

One? I usually have two girls.

Me no disappoint.

Holy Schwarzkopf!

Oh, yeah.

[Dongmei moaning]
Hairy, hairy chest.

Hello. Is this Mrs. Reardon?

Oooh!

Big, strong GI.

You know,
you Charlie ain't so bad.

Shame we had
to beat you in 'Nam.

- [speaking Chinese]
- Huh?

You want happy ending?

Does an A-rab
shit in the sand? [laughs]

Whoa, whoa.
What... What's this?

Not polite to watch,
only to feel.

All right.

Whoo!

Why your soldier
not stand at attention?

Oh. It will, it will.

♪ My country tis of thee ♪

♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪

- Ooh! Very good.
- [laughs]

[humming]

♪ Land where my fathers died ♪

This is something
you'll like very much!

[laughs] I cannot
wait very much.

Ooh... Yeah.

Oh, your soldier
stand at attention now.

- You likey likey?
- Ooh, yeah, yeah.

You ready for mouth massage?

- Bring it on.
- Here it come!

Oh! Oh, easy there, easy.

- Feel good?
- Yow! Watch it.

- Watch Huck and Buck, there.
- No touching!

[howls, barks]
Oh, that feels good.

♪ Land where my fathers died ♪

♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪

Oh, that is so hot.

♪ From every mountainside ♪

♪ Let freedom ring ♪

Charles!

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

[Van] So dirty.

I promise I will never
make you do anything
like that ever again.

Given the...

...events of this afternoon,

there's only one thing
in the world I want.

- A rabies shot, sir?
- No, goddamn it!

I want Wilder. He's
turned my wife against me,

my school against me...

...he even turned
my dog against me.

- [whimpers]
- I wish we could
just kick him out!

There's gotta be some way I
can just force him to leave.

Oh, I would love to see
the look on his dad's face

when he finds out
his son is expelled.

I would love to see the look
on Kaitlin's dad's face

when he realizes that his
daughter's new boyfriend
isn't joining the Army.

Will you shut the hell...?

- Who's dad?
- Kaitlin's.

Lieutenant!

I've got it.

We are gonna finish Wilder,
and your former squeeze, too.

- Yes, sir!
- In order to do that,

I have a very important
mission for you.

I need you to
find me some skanks.

- [woman moaning]
- Well, I'm sorry Kaitlin,

but it's your turn for guard
duty. No more special treatment.

- [moaning]
- Nothing personal, corporal.

Just be there.

It's set. Think you can
get your friends to go along?

[muffled] They'll do
whatever I tell them to do.

They'll do whatever
I tell them to do.

- Awesome.
- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

- Oh, Satan!
- [Dirk moans]

- Oh!
- What? What are you doing?

- Don't stop!
- Outta ammo.

Huh?

Hand me your gun.

Ten-hut!

I taught him that.

What's wrong?

It's Dirk.

He knew I was going to
dinner tonight with my father,

and he deliberately
scheduled me for guard duty.

So don't go.

Van, guard duty
isn't something
you can just shrug off.

If you miss it or screw up,

it can ruin your career.
It's serious.

Which is exactly how the
boys and I will treat it.

- You're gonna do it?
- Hey. I know
it's not toilets,

but I think I can handle it.

What? Don't you trust me?

I trust you.

[barking]

[laughing]

But we have dates tonight.

Hot ones.

Irving, trust me.

That sucking
action is not realistic,

no matter what
it says on the box.

I mean real dates this time,
Van. Hot ones.

- Human females?
- Hot ones.

I tell you what.
They can come along.

Yes! Up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right.

B, A, start!

Now, what exactly
are we guarding?

You will not get inside
Colonel Reardon's Humvee.

You do not touch the Humvee.
You do not look at the Humvee.

- Then how are we
supposed to guard the...
- You do not look at the Humvee!

Now...

...this guard duty
better come out smooth
as a bran muffin shit,

or somebody's gonna have
their ass handed to 'em.

- Any questions?
- Will you be the one
doing the ass handling?

[snickering]

Don't worry, Wilder.
Yours is coming.

I am really starting
to like that guy.

[indistinct chattering]

So... how's college?

It's great. I'm taking
a lot of interesting courses:

- Military history, psychology.
- You know, Dirk called me
the other day.

Said you had
broken up with him.

Yeah, well...
I met somebody else.

- Hm. He a military man?
- He...

...respects the military.

- Ladies.
- Irving!

You invited the dick girls?
This is a bad idea.

Van, don't be such a dork!

- Howdy, heathen.
- Ah!

Well, honey,
with school and Dirk

and everything that's
been going on around here,

I just wanna know one thing:

- Are you...?
- Yes, Dad. I'm happy.

That's great. But are you
still on track for
officer training school?

- [hip-hop plays]
- Ah!

Whoo!

Listen, guys. Maybe we should
slow down just a little bit.

I am Mars, god of war!

Who amongst you shall
engage in body shots?!

Whoo!

Hey, soldier. Wanna fuck?

Uh... no. Thank you.

I do anal.

Corporal Hayes!
As you were, as you were.

I was on the other side of the
restaurant. I didn't see you.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, sir.

The pleasure's mine,
sergeant.

I didn't realize Ms. Hayes
came from such good stock.

Well, hopefully, she will
climb a bit higher up
the ladder than I did, sir.

I have no doubt, sergeant.
Kaitlin is officer material
all the way.

Her record is flawless.
Say, you're about done here.

I was heading back to base.
Like a tour?

You can see your
daughter's unit in action.

- I don't think that's
such a good idea.
- I'd love to, sir.

- Dad!
- I'm really proud of you.

- Aw!
- I'd love to see it.

- Show off for your old man.
- Please?

- OK.
- OK.

- You're gonna enjoy this.
- Thank you, sir.

Oh, you know what?
I forgot my purse,
so I'll meet you outside, OK?

All right.

You know what
I wanna do to you?

Uh, leave me
alone permanently?

- Uh-uh.
- Whoa! Hey, watch that!

Stop! Hey!

No means no.

[cell phone rings]

Come on, Van. Pick up.

- [gasps]
- Ms. Hayes.

Shall we?

- [Van groaning]
- Filthy dog! Come here!

[hip-hop plays]

I'm so excited.
You're about to be very proud
about what you'll see. Thi...

What in God's name?

Kaitlin,
this is your unit?

For the last time, no!

Van?

You must be Kaitlin's father.

Corporal Hayes, I thought you
were a better leader than this.

I thought you were
officer material.

Do you understand what the
consequences of this will be?

- Colonel Reardon, I...
- She will accept any
punishment you deem fit, sir.

Whoa, whoa. Wait.
I can explain.

Kaitlin, let me explain.

- Thatta boy, Dirk.
- My pleasure, sir.

Let's go, Kaitlin. Now.

You're disgusting.

Call me.

You realize it's my duty
to make a report of this.

Gonna put a pretty big stain
on her pretty little record.

It's about time
you learn there are some
people you don't fuck with.

- What do you want from me?
- Isn't it obvious?
I want you gone, out, quit.

- Runnin' home to Daddy with
your tail between your legs.
- What if I say no?

Well, then I guess Ms. Hayes'
military career will be coming

to a rather premature
and ignoble end.

Tell ya what.
Having some people over

for dinner tomorrow
to discuss our annual war games.

Why don't you give me your
decision then. Good seeing you.

[phone rings]

[♪ Mobile:
Dusting Down the Stars]

♪ I look outside
from far above ♪

♪ I watch you sleep and dream ♪

♪ Dream out loud ♪

♪ You say you wish
that you could find ♪

♪ A guiding light
A guiding hand ♪

♪ A safer place to stand ♪

♪ We've never been so close
to be so far ♪

♪ There's millions of reasons
There is no way out ♪

♪ Shall we give up so easy? ♪

♪ Shall we give up so easy? ♪

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Dusting down the stars ♪

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Dusting down the stars ♪

♪ Here we are ♪

♪ Dusting down the stars ♪♪

A Wilder never quits.

So I said, "I've got
some affirmative action for ya.

I can affirm that your
dumb-ass kid won't be getting
any action at my school."

[laughter]

Yo! Captain Crunch!

I've made my decision.
I've decided we should

settle this,
once and for all. Like men.

No more sneaking,
no more back-stabbing.

Let's just get it
all right out in the open.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

You've got a problem
with my father,

a problem with my name,
and that's too bad.

But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna sit around and
let you and your little... peons

flush this school down
the toilet, and hurt
the people I care about

because even though
you dragged her into this,

this has never really
been about Kaitlin,

who, on her worst day,

will be a better officer
than you ever were.

That girl's got bigger balls

than you, me
and my freakish dog combined.

I have had enough of these
little games, Wilder.

- Get out.
- Games?

[laughs] You wanna
play games?

How about one of your
precious little war games? Whoa!

Loser leaves Coolidge.
For good.

What do you think
about that?

I think you're in for an
old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.

If I was your son,
I'd kick my own ass.

I'm sorry.

You're finished, Wilder.
Finished.

Ms. Hayes, in light
of Mr. Wilder's behavior,

I am going to remove
last night's incident
from your record,

and I am giving you my
official recommendation

for officer training school.

Thank you, sir.

But I'm afraid
I'll have to decline.

The officer training school
only accepts those

who have received
the most honorable training.

Your name on my recommendation
would render me ineligible.

In other words, sir:
Go fuck yourself.

Kaitlin!

- Kaitlin...
- I blew it, Dad. I'm so sorry.

- He's right.
- What?

Kaitlin, I wanted you
to be a soldier. I still do.

But if getting there means
having to march in a line
that's crooked,

then it ain't worth a damn.

You don't join the army to
follow. You join it to lead.

And the only way to
lead is to do what's right.

[sighing]

[chuckling] That's my girl.

None of this is gonna work.

We need a man who actually knows
what the hell he's doing.

- How about a woman?
- [♪ Hedley: For The Nights
I Can't Remember]

♪ When no one else
could ever get through ♪

♪ Holding back
till I come around ♪

Kaitlin, I swear to God,
I never touched her.

OK? It was man-rape.

Save it. I only
wanna know one thing.

Are you ready to enter
an alliance, neighbor?

♪ If I was running back
Working full time, so... ♪

- ♪ I can and I will
-Mm!

- Kissy face!
- OK.

Enough of the soft stuff.

Reardon's got us outnumbered
five to one, so there's no way

we can take him head on.
We're gonna fight him
on our own terms.

What do we do?

We do the only thing you guys
know how to do: We have fun.

Anyone who loses an armband
will be considered captured.

Whoever captures the
other team's general wins.

Reardon's Raiders,
who's your general?

Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!

Your team will
wear the yellow bands.

Team Maverick,
who's your general?

[man] That would be me.

How's it hangin', Chuck?
You miss me?

Hey.

Your team will wear
the orange bands.

The game begins
when you hear the siren.

I hope you're
prepared, gentlemen.

Someone's goin' home today.

All right, let's listen up.

First squad, take the
left flank, past the lake.

Second squad, right flank.

Third squad, head on.

And our recon team, well, let's
just say they have a head-start.

- [laughing]
- Lieutenant Arnold,
will stay with me.

- Corporal Benedict,
you'll guard the Humvee.
- [siren blares]

There's the siren.
Now let's get these bastards!

[all] Raiders!

Got recon
on the radio for ya.

Recon, report.
Can you see their base?

- I have a visual, sir.
- What's going on?

- Shots, sir.
- Jesus Christ.
They're firing at us?

No, sir. Jell-O shots.
I repeat, Jell-O shots.

- They've got the blast!
- They have explosives?

No, sir. The Jell-O shots
with blueberry blast.

- It's my favorite, sir.
- What the hell's
he talkin' about?

- Sounds like they're
having a goddamned...
- Party!

[hip-hop music plays]

So where did all
this sand come from?

Thank Sheik Mohammad.

Who?

[beeping]

- How we doin'?
- We're up.

Think we're in the feed.

[beeping]

- Recon report.
- [static]

Sir! Something's happening
with the monitor.

Hello. I'm sorry, they can't
come to the phone right now.

Like to leave a message?

How the hell did you
eliminate my men?

Chuck! Eliminate
is such an ugly word.

Van Wilder rules!
Whoo! Whoo!

You tell first squad to move in.

And have Benedict
on stand-by with my Humvee.

[Dirk on radio]
Corporal Benedict!

Ah! Yes, sir!

- Stand by for deployment.
- Yes, sir. You heard him!

Stand by for deployment!
That way!

[laughing]

- Hey, guys!
- Hi!

[woman] Come skinny-dipping!

What the hell?

I seen this in a porno once.

- Have you seen this before?
- Don't be scared.

[woman] Jump in, baby.

Wait for me!

[all laughing]

First squad, report.
Report, damn it!

Sorry about your troops, Chuck.

But they decided
to make love, not war.

Son of a bitch!

Gotta conga.

[up-tempo music plays]

Hello!

Sir, we found their general.

I hooked myself
into a sand trap.

Well, don't just stand there.
Capture him, you jackass!

Grab him!

Give me the armband, general.

I told you it was a sand trap.

[grunting]

Ladies.

[grunts]

I've still got it.

- Well? Did they get him?
- Not exactly.

[all cheering]

- Permission to get angry, sir.
- Denied.

- [grunts]
- Denied!

[grunts]

[rock music plays]

Wet your whistle?

Where the hell is third squad?

They should've
been there by now!

Hey, Chuck!
I just wanna let ya know.

Third squad?
Took a little detour.

Whoo!

Goddamn you, Wilder! [grunts]

What are you doin'
standing there?

Why don't you pussies get out
there and get me Van Wilder?

Get out there! Move! Move!

[all shouting]

[coughing]

I can't feel
my hair anymore, man.

That means it's working.

I wouldn't go any farther
if I were you.

Yeah, who's
gonna stop us? You?

Exactly.

[laughing]

[screams]

Is that all you've got?

[screams]

[laughing]

[creaking, cracking]

[laughing]

- I'll go after them, sir.
- No! Get me Corporal Benedict.

We'll take the Humvee
and run right over 'em.

You're a genius.

Corporal Benedict.

[dance music plays]

Dirk, I already told you,
I love you, man.

We all love you. Yeah!

- What?
- It's so soft, sir.

Have you felt the helmets?

Ah! Rub your helmet with me.
It's so soft.

You fucking fruitcake!

[walkie crashing]

- What was that?
- Don't ask, don't tell.

OK, Chuck. We got your boys.

Why don't you
and little Dirky surrender
and join the party.

Never. Surrender?
Surrender?

Ha! I'd rather see
my uncle naked again.

[glass shatters]

Ew.

It was an accident.

If you want me, Wilder,
you have to come and get me.

- Shall we?
- Let's.

[♪ Arkells:
Oh, The Boss is Coming!]

Get out there
and stop them! Now!

Go! He's a little pissant!

- Let me go with you.
- Sorry, Dad,

but this is one fight
I need to finish on my own.

- Go get him.
- Let's do it.

♪ Oh, the boss is coming ♪

♪ You better look busy ♪

♪ They aren't
paying you for nothing ♪

There's the base!

Kaitlin. I knew
you'd come back for me.

What do you say
I go high, you go low?

No. This asshole's all mine.

- Go.
- You sure?

Yep, I got it.

Come to papa, honeybear.

You got nothin'.

Ooh! [laughs]

- I could do this all day.
- That'd be a first.

Your hair smells really nice.
What is that,
Essence of Traitor?

[laughing]

- Not so fast.
- Chuck.

Get up.

[grunting]

Hot stuff.

You smell good.

I wish you'd fought
this hard in the bedroom.

[groans]

See, this is why women will
never make it in the military.

You got nothin'
between your legs.

Oh, shit!

Oh!

Yeah? Well that makes
two of us, honeybear.

[groaning]

Nice BB gun. I got one
just like it at home.

- Maybe not.
- Let me tell you what's wrong
with you Wilders.

You think you can
change the world

just because
people like you.

Well, here's a tip, son.
People are like cockroaches.

You crush a few,
the rest will scatter.

[typing]

Hm? I'm sorry, what?
I was texting.

Funny.
But the last laugh is mine.

[growling]

- Goddamn dog!
- [growls]

Ah! [grunts]

Like I said,
nobody screws my pooch.

- Sit!
- [thudding]

Good boy.

[up-tempo music plays]

- [all shouting]
- Orange team wins!

[cheering]

Wilder! This isn't over.

And if you think I'm quitting,
you are screwed in the head.

Hey! Listen up!
I am doubling security.

And I am re-writing
the rule book.

I'm gonna make the old
Coolidge look like Candyland.

- And you can't stop me.
- No. But he can.

Thomas, what the hell
are you doing?

You can't side with him.
He's not one of us.

You made your bed, soldier.

Now you're gonna
have to sleep in it.

Officer! Get him outta here.

Hey, I'm not goin' anywhere.
Remember who
stamps your paycheck.

- Are you resisting arrest?
- You're damned right I am!

Thank you.

[screaming]

This is for puttin' up
with your bullshit.

- And this...
- [screaming]

...is for denying
my kid's admission.

How affirmative
is that action, bitch?

[reggae music plays]

Corporal, those were about
some of the most outrageous
tactics I've ever seen.

I'll be sure to note that
in my recommendation
for officer training school.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe I'll engage in
a body shot.

I'm proud of you, son.

[both] Hey.

Van! I'd like you
to meet Stephen Walker,
my head of security.

Mr. Wilder, I'm hereby
tendering my resignation
for this assignment.

- Very good.
- It's been the utmost pleasure
working with you, sir.

- Yeah.
- Great work, Steve.

I'll see you back at
the office, all right? Good.

[crowd chanting]
Go, go, go, go,

- go, go, go, go, go!
- [cheering]

Yeah!

- So, what do you think?
- About what?

Oh, I think you've
proven yourself here.
Wanna come to work with me?

Actually, I've been
giving it a lot of thought,

and I've decided
to stay in school.

A smart man once told me
that tradition is something
you just don't break.

Write that down.

Let's go.

So you wanna get
outta here?

- And miss the party?
- Trust me.

There'll be more.

Wait. Where's
that batty boy, Dirk?

Sir, I don't mean
to alarm you, but, uh,

- something's about to come up.
- What do you mean,
something's about to...?

- [thudding]
- Stand down, corporal!

- I can't.
- Stand...

- [popping]
- [screaming]

[continues screaming]

[♪ Mobile: Out of My Head]

♪ Come on over ♪

[Kaitlin] Remember
I said the best things
are worth waiting for?

- [Van] Yeah.
- [Kaitlin] I think
I've waited long enough.

Whoa! Van! [laughs]

Van, what are you doing?
Put that away. [laughs]

You're insane, not here.
[laughs]

♪ I should've stayed up
till the break of dawn ♪

♪ Ever since
our eyes did meet ♪

[trumpet fanfare playing]

Now all this stuff
you've heard about Coolidge

not wanting to party
is a lot of doggy dung.

- Stand down!
- I can't.

- I'm flanking your asshole.
- Ow!

[indistinct]

[people laughing]

Do you have any poison?

- You're tearing it.
- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna need stitches.

...with some
testosterone-pumping,

pituitary-fucking
Neanderthal,

then they are 100...
Fuck me.

[screaming]
Fuck, that scared me!

- [laughing] OK.
- Let's fuck.

- [man over loudspeaker]
Take your shirt off...
- [laughing]

- [man] Cut!
- [both giggling]

[giggling]

Now, I'm not saying
this is gonna be easy.

Some of us may fall
so that all of us may ball.

Oh, easy there, easy. Those are
big ol' colonel balls, honey.

This a new experience for you?

Yeah. I usually
use my old balls.

They old colonel...
Big round colonel balls.

Hey, when I'm off camera,
I'm just gonna show 'em my
old balls!

- You gotta admit though,
this is kinda romantic.
- [groaning]

Hey, watch those teeth. Or take
'em out before you do anything.

Who's my big bad boy? Hm?

I'm your big bad boy.

[groaning] Oh, God. I haven't
been this uncomfortable since
Catholic school.

Feel good. Yeah, feels good.
That's how you say it but I say
feels good.

[shuddering]
You know my spot, Lieutenant.

Holy shit! That thing pops!

College is a team.

It lives, eats, drinks, and if
you're lucky, humps as a team.

I love the smell of gasoline
in the morning.

[indistinct]

You wanna go back to my house
and eat some yogurt

and watch Mean Girls?

Yeah, Mean Girlsis all right,
but the guy in it sucks.

I think he's dreamy.

- [mumbling]
- [laughing] What?

So, you wanna go back to my
house, grab a bottle of Shiraz,

and maybe flip on The Hills?

No, I hate those bitches.

- He knew I was going
to dinner tonight with...
- [laughing]

I think Brody Jenner's your
competition for jawline of
the year.

I'm gonna jerk off right here,

pull it out, and just jerk off
in front of you, is that OK?

You rick my dick,
'cause you like taste.

Turn around, turn around.

You mother-fucker,
asshole dick-a-licker!

- I've got 13 Going on 30.
- I've seen it.

I'll watch it again.
Ruffalo's the bomb.

Yeah, he's awesome.

You asshole dick-a-licka!

It could be like this.
You and me, always.

What do you say, once we get
loose we find a little pup tent
and fuck for a week?

Robert Levy's not paying me
enough to show my penis.

- Is that sweat?
- No, that's pre-cum.

You gotta eat dirt
before you drink champagne.

Sometimes, you've got to stand
up as a man before you can lie
down with a woman.

You gotta get your guard on
before your hard on.

- Nothing, hold on a second.
- [moaning]

Wait, hold on.

What do you tell a woman
with two black eyes?

Nothing.
You already told her twice.

[moaning]

[groaning]

[groaning]

[groaning]

[yelling, moaning]

[yelling, sighing]

Hand me your gun!

I can't quit you.

[dance music plays]

♪ Come on
Put the toys away ♪

♪ Put the toys away
I got you, girl ♪

♪ Feel my vibration
Them pretty city girls ♪

♪ They don't mess around
with gritty city boys ♪

♪ Them pretty city girls ♪

♪ Got a box full
of them dirty, dirty toys ♪

♪ Dirty toys
Dirty, dirty toys ♪

♪ How you doin', girl?
You lookin' fine ♪

♪ You make me wanna creep up
Freak you from behind ♪

♪ She feel the buzzin'
as the buzzer make the slide ♪

♪ I feel her cousin
I'm a bring her for the ride ♪

♪ I got her full attention
It's like we're in detention ♪

♪ Just use your concentration
Girl, you feel my vibration ♪

♪ Them pretty city girls ♪

♪ They don't mess around
with gritty city boys ♪

♪ Them pretty city girls ♪

♪ Got a box full
of them dirty, dirty toys ♪

♪ Dirty toys
Dirty, dirty toys ♪

♪ Pretty city girls ♪

♪ Got a box full
of them dirty, dirty toys ♪

♪ Dirty toys
Dirty, dirty toys ♪♪