Original subtitles

Wine country, here we come. Yes.

The car is loaded, and in a few hours we will be, too.

Ooh, this is gonna be the best girls' trip ever.

Gemma, I love America, but there is no country like wine country.

[chuckles] Okay, so one last decision before we hit the road:

Which one pairs best with chardonnay,

Jeanette or Tamika? Ooh.

Oh, what about that curly black one

that got us kicked out of that club in Vegas?

Dominique? Oh, no, no, she's on the wagon.

Oh.

Uh-oh, Jeanette and Tamika.

You can take one or the other, but you can't take both.

I'm not bailing you three out again.

Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to go with Tamika,

so you better behave.[both laugh]

So you want to come watch the transformation?

Does my Aunt Mayvene dress up her cats for the holidays?

I was hoping no, but sounds like yes.

Yes. [laughs]

I'm just glad she's not taking Dominique.

That hair is trifling.

What it do, C-Dawg?

Oh, and I thought my biggest problem was gonna be the wig.

So, since the ladies are gonna be gone,

I got a little surprise for us--

front row tickets to tonight's game.

Seriously? Courtside to the Laker game?

C-Dawg is in. [barks]

Well, actually,

it's to the hockey game. [barks]

Hockey? C-Dawg don't bark for hockey.

Well, come on, it's gonna be great.

Kings are playing the Red Wings-- it's an epic rivalry.

Why don't you want to go?

Well, for starters, I'm black.

I know that's what everybody thinks about hockey,

but the truth is, there's a lot of black players now.

Yeah, but they're probably all Canadian, so that doesn't count.

Come on, Calvin, don't be such a Negative Nancy.

I'll tell you what, if at any point

you're not having a good time, you can leave.

Great. Bye-bye.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood.

Here's your beer.

What'd I miss? Nothing.

Just a bunch of guys with no vowels in their names

skating in circles.

I mean, the least they could do

is light the puck on fire or something.

Come on, Calvin, you're missing

the finer points of the game here.

I mean, look at these guys, they're incredible athletes,

skating 20 miles an hour on a quarter-inch of steel.

I don't know, man, I-I'm just not seeing it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I saw that.

CROWD: Oh!Oh, and that!

Oh!

With hits like that, who needs vowels?

Yeah! Get him!

Wow, this place is beautiful.

Now where's the wine?

Ooh, there it is. Thank you. [chuckles]

I don't work here.

Oh, well, this is good stuff, you should get another one.

[chuckles]

Hello.

Welcome to Coastal Breeze Winery.

Hi. We have a reservation under Johnson.

Hmm. If possible,

no balcony. We may get crazy,

and it's safer if we're in a room we can't fall out of.

Oh, and, um,

also nothing near the elevator.

We don't want to be bothered by obnoxious drunks.

GEMMA: Oh, yeah.

Fill 'er up.[both chuckle]

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

You're Mary J. Blige.

What?

Oh, no, honey, it's the wig.

[laughs]

My name is Tina Butler.

Oh, I get it. Keeping things on the down low. [chuckles]

Like me.

Sorry to disappoint you, but she really is Tina Butler.

Well, for "Tina Butler's" privacy,

I'm going to upgrade you to the penthouse suite.

You can call me Mary J.

[horror movie music playing on TV]

[woman screaming on TV]

Man, there are two things you don't want to be

in a horror movie-- having sex or black.

[woman screams]

I mean, you, uh, you're not scared, are you?

Please, Malcolm, I'm a grown man.

I know scary movies aren't real.

[both screaming]

What the hell is wrong with you guys?

Us? Nothing.

Can't-can't two brothers scream together?

MALCOLM: Yeah, uh,

Pop, what's with the outfits?

Oh, we went to the hockey game together.

Yeah, and it was awesome. Give me some.

Hey, so we on for tomorrow night?

Pink Floyd laser show at the planetarium?

Oh, you can "planet" on it.

[both laugh]Okay, see you tomorrow, buddy.

Bye, guys. See you, Dave.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

What?

Uh, you're wearing a hockey jersey,

you're going to a Pink Floyd laser show,

and you just made a pun about planets.

Come on, man, I thought it was "punny."

Okay, it's official,

you are turning into a very tan Dave.

I am not turning into Dave.

So you're saying you're a Pink Floyd fan?

Yeah, all his new stuff is great.

I don't know, Pop, ever since you and Dave became friends,

you are kind of a different person.

MARTY: Yeah, you don't go to

Ernie's anymore, you don't play dominoes with the boys,

and just the other day I saw you put a quarter

in someone else's parking meter.

It's called paying it forward,

which also happens to be an excellent movie.

Okay, who are you, and what have you done with our father?

Man, y'all tripping.

You're just being a couple of Negative Nancys.

Who said that?

Did you see the bathroom?

I mean, if this isn't the nicest hotel I've ever seen,

then my name isn't Mary J. Blige.

Your name isn't Mary J. Blige.

It's Tina J. Liar.

Oh, come on, Gemma, we're not hurting anyone.

I know, but aren't you worried about getting caught?

A little,

but I think those free massages they're sending up

will melt those worries away.

Wait, when did you arrange that?

I didn't, my publicist did.

And if anyone asks you, you're my publicist.

No. Tina,

we are never gonna be able to pull this off.

Just because one guy thought you were Mary J. Blige

doesn't mean you can fool a whole hotel.

Of white people?

Honey, I could tell them I was Martin Luther King,

and they'd believe it.

All this free stuff just doesn't

seem like it's worth the risk.

[sighs] Gemma, this is not about free stuff.

Then what is it?

Well, I know this may sound silly,

but ever since I was a little girl,

I always wanted to be a famous singer,

and now for the next couple of days, I can be.

I mean, didn't you ever dream like that?

Yes.

Back when I was growing up in Hickory Corners,

I always dreamed of being the Fall Festival Hog Queen.

What is that and why?

It is the biggest honor in town.

You get a sash, a tiara, and you get to ride down Main Street

on a float pulled by a team of pigs.

What a relatable story.

I would've won, too.

I crushed the bacon-eating contest,

but that damn greased pig got away from me every time.

Gemma, I never thought I would say this,

but being Mary J. Blige...

...is my greased pig.

[Calvin whistling]

BOTH: Morning.

Hey, look at that.

Great minds dress alike.We're not dressed alike.

My shirt has little blue squares, and yours has, um,

little blue boxes.

I don't know. [chuckles]

Looks pretty similar to me.

Yeah, well, no one else would think that.

Look at you two, twinsies!

[laughs]

Hey, what's up, boys?

Well, what is up with you,

Run-DMC, you're having a midlife crisis?

Very funny. For your information,

I'm kicking it with my old dance crew tonight.

Your old dance crew?

Didn't Keith just have hip surgery?

Yeah. You know, he's still got his handicap placard,

so we get to park right in front of the club.

But I thought you were supposed to go

to the planetarium tonight?

Yeah, man, but those planets gonna be there forever.

Keith's handicap placard, it expires next week.

Come on, Pop, is this because we teased you about becoming Dave?

No. This is about me getting back in touch with my roots,

about not forgetting who I am.

And who exactly is that?

Calvi-tronic, the Bionic Breaking Machine.

[grunting]

Oh.

I don't know about a breaking machine,

but something just broke inside of me.

[knocking on door]

Uh-oh, there's Dave. What you gonna tell him?

[scoffs] I'm a grown-ass man.

I'm not afraid

to tell him what's what. [chuckles]

I'm gonna tell him I'm sick.

Hey, Calvin. You ready to roll?

Nice blanket. I have one just like it.

Can't go tonight, man. I'm sick. [grunting]

Oh, no.

Got sick at the hockey game.

It was really cold in there, man.

[shuddering]

Really? You know,

they keep the rink at 65 degrees.

I know, but for black people, that's like 32.

Okay, well, feel better, buddy.Yeah.

Bye, guys.[grunts] Okay...

Damn, Pop, that was cold.

I know.

32 degrees, baby.

Ooh, that was an amazing massage.

Not as good as the one yesterday,

but better than the one this morning.

It was pretty great.

But do you feel like we're taking advantage?

[knocking on door]

Ooh, yay! That must be our second lobsters.

Hi, Jeffrey.

Hi. This is awkward, but...

We can explain. I wanted to be Hog Queen.

[Tina chuckling]

Don't... don't mind my publicist.

She has a pill problem.

So what can we do for you?

Well, one of our guests is celebrating her birthday

later tonight in the lounge, and I was hoping...

that Ms. Blige could pop by for a quick hello.

Okay, honey,

that sounds like fun.Oh, and you know

what would be even more fun? If she sings "Happy Birthday."

[gasps]Oh, yeah, that'd be real...

Wait, what?!

Oh, that is so amazing. Thank you.

I am much obliged.

[both laughing]You see what I did there?

Did you see it? Fun.

Okay. [all chuckling]

What the hell, Gemma?

How tight is that towel?

Tina. Don't you see?

This is your dream.

Tonight's your night to be famous.

Yeah, but as soon as I open my mouth,

they're gonna know that I'm not Mary J. Blige.

No, they won't. You have an amazing voice.

[sighs] Yeah. But still!

Besides, it's like you said, this is a winery.

Everyone here is whiter than the chardonnay.

Well, it does sound kind of fun.

Now you're talking.

And, hey, maybe I could be your backup singer.

Stay in your lane, pig girl.

Oh, hey, uh, Dave.

I thought you were going to the planetarium.

Well, I was, but I realized it wouldn't be as much fun

without Calvin, so I decided to stay home

and make him some soup.

How's he doing?

Better.Worse.

Well, which is it?

Worse.Better.

Okay, well, uh, maybe the soup will help.Yeah.

Just tell him I'll check in on him tomorrow.

[grunting]

Yeah.

Hey.

Calvin, what are you doing out of bed,

and why are you dressed so funky fresh?

Uh,

I went to the drugstore to get some medicine.

Where is it?

Damn it, I knew I forgot something.

Hold on.

Calvin, did you lie to me about being sick?

No. Because I amsick.

I let down my defenses

and got all infected with your Dave-ness.

Wh-- Infected?

Yeah, I mean, you got me going to hockey.

I mean, you and I are dressing alike.

The other day a Taylor Swift song came on,

and I didn't even turn it off.

Actually, he turned it up.

I didn't know having things in common was being infected.

I thought that was being friends.

Uh...

Dave.No, you know what, Calvin?

You said your piece. Enjoy the soup.

It's infected, too. With love!

Ooh... thank you for making me do this, Gemma.

I'm feeling kind of hyped.[chuckling]

Oh, good. You're here.

Thank you again for doing this, Ms. Blige.

Okay. So the birthday girl's name

is Cynthia, and she is sitting

right over there.

She is not going to believe this!

No, she is not.

Okay, so I'm gonna go introduce you. Showtime!

Tina, they're not white!

They're gonna know.

Okay. All right. Gemma...

let's get the hell out of here.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only

Mary J. Blige!

Oh... Gemma.

[applause][whimpering]

How you doing?

[chuckles] Oh, what the hell are we gonna do?

Okay. Okay. It's gonna be fine.

You're gonna go up there,

you're gonna sing your heart out,

and you're gonna live your dream. Okay?

You're right. You're right.

This is my chance. Yes.

I got this.

But just in case...

It'll be harder to describe me to the police.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Hey, how you doing?

Well, this song goes out

to my girl Cynthia.

[applause]

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To you

♪ Happy

♪ Birthday to

♪ You

♪ Happy birthday

♪ Dear Cynthia

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To

♪ You.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you so much, Ms. Blige.

That was simply beautiful.

Awesome. I'm not done yet.

"Family Affair," hit it!

[band starts playing]

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Come on, everybody!

Isn't she amazing?

She is. [chuckles]

But she sure as hell ain't Mary J. Blige.

Okay, look. She's my best friend,

and she's up there living her dream.

So?

So, if you don't rat us out,

you can have our penthouse suite,

all the massages we have scheduled for tomorrow,

and...

68 bucks.

ALL: Go, Mary! Go, Mary! Go, Mary!

♪ Let's get it crunk upon

♪ Have fun upon up in this dancery ♪

♪ We got ya open, now you're floatin' ♪

♪ So you gots to dance for me

♪ Don't need no hateration

♪ Holleration in this dancery

♪ Let's get it percolatin', while you're... ♪

Hey, Dave.

Yeah, careful, Calvin.

You don't want to catch anything else.

I've been told my laugh is pretty contagious.

Look, man...

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings,

but I just felt like your Dave-ness

was rubbing off on me too much.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Why can't friends rub off on each other?

Rubbing off on people is completely natural.

I welcome people rubbing off on me.

If anybody's listening, we're just neighbors!

I just don't understand why it's such a bad thing

for friends to influence each other.

You don't think that I've changed because of you?

How have youchanged?

I'm more assertive, like you,

I'm more confident, like you,

and if someone's being a jackass, I now tell them

they're being a jackass...

jackass.

One more compliment like that,

and we're gonna have a problem.

Calvin, we already do have a problem.

Why would I want to be friends with someone

who thinks being me is such a bad thing?

'Cause I'm dope.

And your attitude-- it's... wickity-wack.

Look, Dave, I don't think being you is a bad thing.

All right, you're a good dude.

But Calvin Butler has an edge.

And around here, people see me a certain way,

and I don't want to lose that.

Fine, but don't blame me

because Taylor Swift sang her way into your heart.

I don't know what it is, she just gets me.

But you're right.

I shouldn't have done that, and, uh... I'm sorry.

You know what? It, it's okay.

You know what's better than okay?

That soup you made.

I knewyou'd like it.

I used the parsnips we got from the farmers market.

Oh, yeah, right. From the lady...

BOTH: With the yellow overalls.

No, that's too much.Yeah, this is getting weird. Okay.

[muttering][clears throat]

Hey, man. We were in the middle of a game.

Not anymore.

It's been canceled on the account of dance.

Oh, come on, Dad. We don't want to see

your tired old dance moves.

Yeah. And I'm not helping you up this time.

Nah, man. What you're about to see is all new.

Yo, D-Money!

Let's get stupid.

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

Are-are we gonna sit here and watch this?

Hell no.

Let's battle these fools.

♪ Uh!

♪

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

♪ Uh!

Captioning sponsored by CBS

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org