All language subtitles for Superstore s05e15_English

- Good morning, Store 1217.

We have a very exciting
surprise today.

Zephra has sent us a little
break room upgrade

just to say
"Welcome to the Z-Fam."

They asked me to say it
that way,

and I'm happy to.

- Okay, let me guess.

It's a pipe organ.

Oh, my gosh, I can call Judy
from the church

and she'll give us lessons,

though you have to practice

'cause otherwise
you're just wasting her time.

- Don't need Judy.
Not a pipe organ.

- Oh, I like this game.

Is it bigger than a dog?

- It's clearly bigger
than a dog.

- You don't know what dog
I'm thinking of.

- I actually know what it is
'cause I helped set it up.

- Well, we're all about to know
what it is, so--

- I knew from before.
I knew, like, two hours ago.

- Okay, I'm gonna need
more data before I guess.

Otherwise,
you're just giving me

a free chance to be wrong.

- Nobody's asking anybody
to guess.

Okay, Mateo, on three.
Ready?

One--
- It's a cereal bar!

[all reacting with awe]

- Mateo, I just said--

It's a cereal bar!

- That's way better than a dog.

- But the dog that I was
thinking of is massive.

- Free cereal?

Boy, you can really tell

we work for a tech company now,
huh?

- It's very disruptive.

- Come on, peeps.
Dig in.

- Wait, wait.

What if I already filled up
on breakfast?

- Just don't eat?

- Ah, man!

- Or, like, eat anyway.

- Yes!

Thanks, Amy.
I owe you one.

[upbeat music]

♪

- [whistling]

- Huh, look at that.

People are literally whistling
while they work.

That cereal really changed
the mood of this place.

- I don't know.

For me, it just pales
in comparison

to the health benefits
and pay raises they gave us.

- What do you--
oh, I get it.

You're being annoying.

It's a small thing,

but it makes peoples' day
better.

- They're just distracting us
with shiny objects.

- Look, Jonah, I get it.

Cloud 9 has trained us
to be very suspicious

of anything corporate does,
but is there a small chance

that this could possibly
just be a gift

to welcome us to the Z-Fam?

- Be careful.

Pretty soon, you're gonna be
saying that unironically.

- Saying what?

Z-Fam?

Z-Fam.
- Stop it.

- Z-Fam.
- People are gonna hear you.

- Ooh, wow.
No annual fee?

Limited time offer?

- Yup, very limited.

That's why the guy
in the picture

has a flip phone.

- [whispering]
Hey, Garrett, listen.

The next guest in line,

the one with the Z-System,
steps up,

I need you to act casual.

He's a scam artist.

He's been returning bogus items
for months.

- [whispering]
Wow.

Is this, like,
a sting operation?

Can I help?

- You can say thank you

and move along
like a normal person.

- Yeah, okay, got it, got it.

[loudly]
Thank you.

- Hey.

I'd like to return that,
please.

- Oh, sure, no problem.

I do need you to sign a form,
as it is a high-ticket item,

so follow me and I'll get you
your refund ASAP.

- I'm just shopping.

- Do you guys think
this is real Lucky Charms

or the knockoff brand?

- Real.

The fake stuff
turns your milk green.

This milk is true blue, baby.

- Classy move, Zephra.

- Okay, guys, come on.

We're talking about a billion
dollar corporation here.

I mean,
how about giving us stuff

that actually has an impact
on our lives?

- Jonah has a point.

I saw some pictures
of Zephra's headquarters.

It's so big,
they have self-driving cars

to get around the campus.

We should all have those.

We wouldn't have to take
the bus to work.

- Well, I don't know

that they're gonna give
every employee a car,

but what about a living wage?

- Hey!

How are things over here?

Everyone happy
with their cereal?

Yeah, everyone feeling
"Grr-eat?"

- [laughs]
- Oh, my gosh.

Speaking of cereal, you sound
just like Tony the Tiger.

Right?
- Yeah.

- You do!
- Just like him.

- Amazing.
- Impressions.

- Yeah, no, I know.
That's what I was trying to--

- Oh, you really flipped
this little closet.

- Thank you.

- Probably gonna have to take
that plant outside for sun

every once in a while though.

- Oh, right.
Sun.

- Mm-hmm.
- [scoffs]

This is already too much work.

- Mm-hmm.

- But it is better than being
on the floor.

Plus I'm already tapped in

to the assistant gossip
network.

Like, I heard--
[gasps]

Never mind.
I shouldn't say anything.

- Well, you want me to shut
this door for you?

- Okay, fine!
[laughs]

You know how Carol
got suspended

for attempted cat-slaughter?

- Mm-hmm.

- Terri from HR told me

that she got suspended
with pay.

- What?

- I guess it's Zephra policy?

Like, they're so afraid
of a lawsuit,

if they even hear the words
"mental distress,"

they just give you paid leave,
no questions asked.

- Seriously.
- Yeah.

Also, she said that the manager
at Hilldale has a micropenis.

So it's been
a pretty busy morning.

- Please have a seat.

I'll get right to processing
your return.

All I need from you

is a confession.

I know you've been scamming
the store for months.

- What do you got?

Oh.
Well, this is a handsome guy.

But I have no idea
what you're talking about.

- Then you won't mind
if I open this.

- It's your space.

You do you.

Whoa.

Rocks.

It's a good thing
I'm returning that.

You guys should file a
complaint with the company.

- Okay.

Listen...
- Benny.

- Listen, Benny, it's obvious

you've been doing this
for a while.

You've got even weight
distribution with the rocks,

noise dampening padding,
industrial shrink wrap.

- You're impressed.

- Hardly.

- Well, it's a shame
I'm innocent,

because I would love to impress
a woman like you.

- [laughs]

You're just flirting with me
to get out of trouble.

- No, I'm flirting with you
to get into trouble.

- Oh.

I feel like I'm in
a full sweat.

I ate some ghost peppers
earlier.

Just on toast.

Like to cleanse the system,

so I should probably just put
my butt over a bowl, and...

- Hey.

So the cereal bar
is running low.

Someone should really be
refilling that.

- Yeah.

I kind of thought that
that someone would be you.

- Right, or maybe, like,
Justine or Sayid.

Anyway, Zephra also asked me
to set up a video conference

in the break room
this afternoon.

- A video conference?
Why?

- The CEO is doing a bunch
of surprise FaceTimes

to Cloud 9s.

Just a five-minute
meet-and-greet.

- Oh.
Okay.

Like, cool.
That's exciting.

- Do you think maybe

they sent us the cereal bar
today

just so we'd be in a good mood
for the call?

- Come on.
No!

Why is everybody being
so cynical about this?

Not everything is always
half empty.

Except the cereal bar is.

- We should really get on that.

- That's right.
- Let me know what you decide.

- No, I decided.
It's you.

.

- You have to admit,
it is pretty convenient timing.

- Can you just help me
figure out how to play this?

Kira Moon isn't some stodgy
Cloud 9 CEO.

She's young and edgy and fun,

and I think she's progressive.

Look at her profile pic.
It's just a purple square.

That's gotta mean something.

- You know, maybe this could
actually be an opportunity.

- No.
No, Jonah.

No.
I know what you're thinking.

- Oh, come on, I'm just saying,

how often do employees
get to talk to the CEO?

You know, we could bring up
some of our issues.

- And have her first impression
of us

be Veruca Salt
barking out orders?

[with British accent]
"But Daddy,

I want health insurance now!"

- That is pretty adorable.
I don't know how they'd say no.

- Look, we're not giving up
on the issues.

It's just--it's just a friendly
welcome call.

It's not the right time.

- Okay.
All right, fine.

Yeah, I get it.

We will wait
for the right time.

- Okay, great.

So we're all just gonna smile

and make a good
first impression.

- Amy, I need to report
an employee theft.

- Hey, it's our cereal.

Who cares if I eat it here
or at home?

- You can't fill up a backpack!
- Fine, take some.

- I don't need your
used cereal.

- Maybe we should just
walk everyone through it.

You know,
not that they're children--

- No, they're children.

- Hey, favor to ask.
What can you do to ugly me up?

Like, pockmarks, unibrow,
fewer eyes, more?

- Well, why do you
wanna look bad?

- I have a scammer in custody
and I need him to confess,

but he's into me, and it's just
gonna make everything go wrong.

I mean, my personality's
a homerun,

so that's not exactly helping.

- Well, if he's already
seen you,

it might be kind of weird

to go back in there
with more face parts.

- That's a really good point.
- Yeah.

- We have to do something.

It's starting to get
very steamy in there.

- Oh, my God.
You like him!

- No, no, no.

- Is he hot?
- Yes!

He's exceptionally hot.

But no, I don't like
criminals, okay?

But try telling that
to my heart and my Hot Pocket.

- Later today,

Kira Moon from Zephra
will be "surprising" us

with a video chat.

- We get to talk to the CEO?

- We should clarify
which Hemsworth she's dating.

- I heard it's not the one
you think it is.

- We should ask if the cereal
was meant to be taken home.

I'm just curious.

- No, we should ask her
for stuff we need,

like self-driving cars,
right, Jonah?

- That was all her--

it's just a friendly call,
Sandra, not an opportunity.

- Exactly.

But you know, Kira might ask
you all some questions,

so I thought it would be good
for us to practice, you know?

Like, Glenn, pretend I'm Kira.

But she's just a normal person.

Just think of it
like you're talking to me.

- "Me" as in you,
or "me" as in her?

- "Me" as in me, Amy.

- But you just said

that I should pretend
that you're her.

- Right, and I'm saying
talk to her like she's me.

- Okay, I should,
or she should?

- Oh, you know what,
I forgot to mention

that not everybody has to be
on this call.

- Oh, thank God.

- ♪ There's nothing else
you can do ♪

♪ I don't know
where you're going ♪

♪ And I don't know why

- Oh, Garrett,
you're so stupid.

Oh, man.

That's embarrassing.

I'm sorry you had to see that,
Glenn.

- Oh, no.
Come on, this is nothing.

I once drove a pallet of Mentos
into a stack of colas.

I thought it was the Rapture.

Is everything okay?

- Yeah, no, I--

things are just really hard
right now.

I'm feeling a lot
of mental distress.

- Oh, really?
I'm--

well, I'm so sorry.

What's going on?

- Just so much.

Unfortunately,
as my supervisor,

you're not allowed to ask.

- Well, is there anything
I can do?

- I mean,
I guess you could grab

the Zephra corporate guidelines
and look up what it says

under
"Employee Mental Distress"?

- Yeah, okay.
All right, look.

You stay right here.
I'm gonna be right back.

- Thank you.

Page 43.
Just a guess.

- Thank you for your patience.

This is Cheyenne,
our head of security.

- Totally.

So let's keep things
professional.

- So look, we have
altered merchandise,

a documented history
of returns.

It'll be easier on yourself
if you confess.

- So you think
that's my best move?

- A lot of people would say
it's your only move.

- Since when do you and I care
about what people say?

- Ooh, so do you guys
know each other?

- I'm not one of the herd,
Dina,

and neither are you.

- Herds are for turds.

- Herds are absolutely
for turds.

I'm stealing that.

- Ah, then you admit
you're a thief.

- Oh, you're good.
- You have no idea.

- So, like, how's this going?

- She's gonna let me walk
so I can take her to dinner.

- Like hell I am.

[both moaning]

Cheyenne, what are you doing?
Come on.

- Um...

- Ozark Highlands,
how are we doing?

- Oh, my God!
Everybody, look!

It's--it's Kira Moon,
Zephra's CEO.

- What?
- Hey!

- A household name we all know!

- Just popping in to say hello
to my new Cloud 9 stores.

Amy, right?

- Yes.
Yes, hi, I'm Amy.

Sorry, you just said that.
Sorry, thank you.

- I gotta say, it's fitting
that it's Valentine's Day

'cause I love what's happening
in your store.

Your holiday numbers
were outstanding,

and your rollout
of the Z-tablets

led the region.

Whatever you're doing,
bottle that

because I want it
in my raw water.

- Ha!

- I'm gonna be honest
with you.

Retail's new to me, so you all
are the experts.

Tell me what you think
we could do

to make your lives better.

- Uh...

well, actually,
for a long time now,

we've been trying to get
Cloud 9 to address--

- Address our breakfast needs,

which, by the way,
you killed it today

with the cereal bar.

- And also getting to work
in the morning

can be tough for us, so--

- Which is why it's so great
that we get to arrive

and be greeted
by the cereal bar!

Anyway, that's it.

That's all we wanted to say.

- Okay, then.

You know, well,
I'm getting the signal

I gotta hop on another call,
but we'll do this again soon.

[computer beeps]

- Wow.

- Hey, guys, I don't know
if Kira noticed,

but my fly was open
for that whole thing.

Like, down and open.
Like, basically framing it.

.

- Okay, and if you could just
get me that number

by the end of the day,
that'd be great.

Thank you.

- Hey, a customer asked
if the Zephra tablet

is compatible with AirPlay.

- Zephra is compatible
with everything.

We do not question Zephra.
All hail Zephra.

- Is that a yes?
- Don't mind Jonah.

He's just upset that the tablet

won't do everything
he wants it to.

- And it never will if I'm not
allowed to ask it to.

- Would you guys just, like,
get together already?

- God.
- We are together.

- Look, all I'm saying is--

[accordion music]

- Oh, crap.

I totally forgot I set this up.

I mean, I know we said

we weren't gonna do anything
for Valentine's Day--

- Oh, okay, so you're allowed
to break an agreement,

but if I do it--wait, is that
the guy from our first date?

- Yes, you said you loved him.

- That was very thoughtful.
- I know.

- Is that gnocchi?
- Yes, your favorite.

- I love gnocchi.
- I know.

- You can't tell your problems
to Glenn the floor supervisor,

so he clocked out.

Now Glenn the friend is here,

and you can tell him
everything.

- Well, you know,
if you must know,

everything is just making me
wanna cry.

It's--every time I see kids.

- Mm-hmm.
- Or adults purchasing items.

- Mm.

- Just everything here at work.

- Well, sounds like you got
a lot going on,

but don't worry,
I have a solution.

- Is it signing
the mental distress forms?

- No, it is not.
It's better.

- Great.
Better's great.

- What information
don't you have?

- Okay.
Yes.

At first, I was trying
to seduce you

into letting me off,

but there's some real chemistry
here.

You're willing
to let all that go?

- You're a thief,

and I'm not about to compromise
my morals

for some completely
earth-crushing,

soul-shattering sex.

- This is about more
than just sex.

But yes,

it would probably feel like
a thunderstorm in our pants.

- Dear God.
- Come on.

Your whole job
is preventing risk.

What if you took one?

- Okay.

Okay, I'll come clean.

I know that you did it,
and I don't even care.

- I knew that you knew.

But that's part of our tango.

So how about dinner?

- Dinner it is.

And breakfast.

Mm.

- The storm shelter
is just a great place

to get things off your chest.

Whenever I have troubles,

I come down here
and I shout 'em out.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

- Here, watch me.

[shouting]
Why did I have a baby

so late in life?

You know, stuff like that.

- You know, I think

I understand
what you're saying,

but maybe I could use
some more examples.

- Okay, um...

[shouting]
Diabetes stinks!

I think I voted wrong!

I think Ellen DeGeneres
dances too much!

It's unprofessional!

- Still not getting it.

- Oh, hey, is Amy
looking for me?

- No, she's getting cash
to tip an accordion player.

- [scoffs]
Thank God.

I just came to get
some fresh air.

Everybody thinks
I'm their cereal boy.

Earl just shook an empty bowl
at me and snapped his fingers.

- Hey, Jonah.
I'm doing it.

I'm going
to the Chesterfield store

to get in on their CEO call

and get us our self-driving
cars.

- Again, not our--
oh, no!

Sandra, no!
I don't think you should--

- Amy is not gonna be happy
about this.

I better go tell her.

This job just keeps giving
and giving!

.

- Your rollout
of the Z-tablets

led the region.

Whatever you're doing,
bottle it up,

'cause I want it
in my raw water.

- [whispering]
Sandra. Sandra.

- Sandra.
- Sandra, come here.

both: Come on, come on.

- We have to go.

[man talking indistinctly]

- I know this year has been
a tough one for...

- Sandra.
- Retail is new to me.

Sandra, come on.
Let's go.

We gotta go.
We gotta go.

- No, stop.
I'm gonna be heard.

- No, you don't have
to be heard.

We gotta leave right now.
- I want a car.

- I understand you want a car,
but she's--

- Okay, Jonah, that's enough.
Come on, let's go.

- Hey, is everything okay
back there?

- Um, yes.
It's all good.

Hey!
Just coming by to say hey.

Hey, Kira.
Hey, everybody.

- You don't--you don't work
at this store?

- No.
No, no, it's Amy Sosa?

From the Ozark Highlands
branch?

We just had our chat?

- Right, the cereal fan.

- You remember.
That's--that's good.

Well, it was nice catching up.
Sandra, let's go.

- No, I have something to say.

I'm Sandra Kaluiokalani,

and we demand
self-driving cars.

I know Zephra has them,
so you need to give them to us

so I can stop taking the bus,

where people watch their phones
at full volume

and make me hold their babies
while they change its diapers.

Right, Jonah?

- I'm not on board with--

I didn't even know
the diaper part.

- Oh, I am so sorry.

I am--I'm getting the signal,
so we're out of time,

but it was so great
meeting you all,

and Amy, my next call's
at the Taipei store,

so see you there?

[both laugh]

[computer beeps]
- Real nice.

We were gonna do
our store chant for her.

- We're really sorry.

What's your chant?

- Go, Chesterfield!

- Yeah.
- It's a good chant.

- Okay, so shouting
didn't do the trick,

but how about I take you
on a fishing trip, huh?

Just you and me
and a gentle breeze.

It'll be relaxing.
- I would not like that.

- Oh, yes, you would.
[blowing]

- What are you doing--
no, no, don't do that!

- I'm picking you up
at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow,

come rain or shine,

and unfortunately,
it is supposed to rain.

- Okay, no.
That's not happening.

Look, Glenn,

there are no problems.

I made it all up.

I was just trying to get
some paid time off.

- You lied
about mental distress?

- Yeah, I guess when you say it
like that,

it sounds really bad,
but I just needed a break.

Man, I'm tired.

I just wanted a day off

where I could just sit at home
alone playing video games

and not shower and eat pizza.

- That's how you spend
your days off?

Sitting in your apartment,
alone?

- Well, I mean,
I'm not really alone.

I'm playing with the people
online.

- Of course.

That's basically
like having friends.

- It is!

- Hey, I'm just glad that you
don't have any problems.

- I don't have any.

And I'm not thinking
about my life.

I'm just being quiet
'cause you walked away.

- The cereal's gone.

It was supposed to last
a month,

and those monsters
ate it in a day.

- Oh, my God.
You did it.

You got us cars.
- I did?

- Zephra just sent a mass email

saying that Cloud 9 employees
now get 50% off

all Lyfts nationwide.

- Holy crap.

- Huh.

Okay, well, I guess
I am pleasantly surprised

that Kira seems to have
listened.

- Yeah, she did, didn't she?

Maybe they're different.

- Oh, my God.
Is that a dirty diaper?

- Ugh, God, our customers
are animals.

Oh.

"Happy Valentine's Day,
Grandpa."

- Yeah, well, I had to raid

what was left
of the seasonal aisle.

- Aww.

- If you're gonna break
our agreement--

- It's only fair.

And a half-eaten box
of chocolates.

- Did a coconut check for you.
Took care of 'em.

- Thank you.

Oh, I can still taste the--

- Yeah, I ate, like,
a whole coconut's worth.

- And there was, like,

a little bit of gnocchi
in there.

- Oh, yeah, you don't like that
gnoc-onut vibe?

- Don't say that.
Don't say gnoc-onut.

- Hey, thanks for taking
a chance on me.

- It's Valentine's Day.
I had to follow my heart.

- Nah--

are you kidding me?

- Look, I'm sorry, Benny,
but I had no choice.

This doesn't mean anything
has to change between us.

- Yeah, it kind of does.

- I'll wait for you!

Not sexually, or if I've met
someone else.

- Up yours!

- I wish.

[siren blips]