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[news jingle plays]
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I'm Ch--
[clears throat] Excuse me.
4
00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:16,401
I'm Chuck Todd,
and I prefer the middle seat.
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00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:18,484
The results are in from
the New Hampshire primary,
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00:00:18,567 --> 00:00:20,150
and Bernie Sanders
is the winner.
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I said it --
now you Bernie Bros
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can stop Photoshopping me
in the shower with the devil.
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Here's how the candidates
addressed their supporters.
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00:00:26,734 --> 00:00:28,275
[cheers and applause]
Uh, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh!
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Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!
Keep it down!
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00:00:30,359 --> 00:00:33,526
We cannot let the DNC
know that I won!
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Everyone, very quietly,
walk to Nevada.
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If anyone asks, we're throwing
a surprise bachelor party
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00:00:40,526 --> 00:00:42,609
for our work friend Steve.
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00:00:42,693 --> 00:00:44,401
Congratulations
to Senator Sanders
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00:00:44,484 --> 00:00:45,651
on his victory tonight.
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00:00:45,734 --> 00:00:47,734
It's clear now
it's a two-man race
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00:00:47,818 --> 00:00:49,651
between me and Donald Trump!
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00:00:49,734 --> 00:00:52,317
You all thought
my campaign was dead.
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Turns out I'm the corpse
in a horror flick
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00:00:54,901 --> 00:00:58,693
that snaps back to life
and bites your fuckin' face off!
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00:00:58,776 --> 00:01:00,526
Rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr-rawr!
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This race ain't over!
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I just gotta pick myself up
by my bootstraps
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00:01:04,484 --> 00:01:07,317
and look forward
to South Carolina!
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Holy crap! I'm already here!
28
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My bus quantum leaped me!
29
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I, Andrew Yang,
am suspending my campaign
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and endorsing Bernie Sanders,
who will advance my message
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of limitless cash
for doing nothing.
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[man] Hey, Bernie?
Which way is Nevada?
33
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-West!
-Okay.
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Is west left or right?
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It's that way!
Now shut up!
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[singsong voice]
I have the names of everyone
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who didn't vote for me!
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[normal voice] What am I gonna
do to the people on this list?
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Oh, I don't know,
but I'm excited to find out!
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00:01:37,192 --> 00:01:40,067
Wait! I've figured out
my path to the nomination!
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00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:41,943
Ah, crap!
I forgot about the votes!
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00:01:42,025 --> 00:01:44,067
Anytime I eat
a ham-and-turkey sandwich,
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I imagine a turkey and a pig
fightin' it out in my guts!
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Anyway, vote for me,
Barack Obama.
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We all know where this is goin'.
Let's do this.
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I, Peter Paul Montgomery
Buttigieg, do solemnly swear
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that I will faithfully execute
the office of the --
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[singsong voice] Hey, Pete!
I see you didn't vote for me!
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00:02:01,984 --> 00:02:03,984
Everyone run. Go! Go! Go!
[crowd screaming]
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Okay. Who broke the TV?
It's not playing my face.
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[smugly] Oh, this?
It's my diploma from Harvard.
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[soft jazz music plays]
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What a great
fundraiser, huh?
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We've already
raised enough
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00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:23,943
to cover your legal fees
for three weeks!
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Let's get week four covered --
where's the NRA?
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Hold on. Is that
Brett Kavanaugh I smell?
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Hey, girlfriend!
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I shouldn't even be here,
but I owe my entire career
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to your ignorance of
my much-publicized crimes!
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00:02:36,442 --> 00:02:39,192
GLGLGLGLGLG! Why is
this straw doing this?!
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I'm a good man!
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Hey! Ted Cruz!
You here to lick my ass?
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[laughs]
It's what I do!
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Say, I've been
lookin' everywhere.
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Where are your adoring
media sycophants?
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Oh, Fox News?
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You know those guys --
work, work, work.
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Is everything alright?
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It sounds like
when my wife found out
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the true nature
of my character
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and started sleeping
in the garage.
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Everything's fine.
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We're in such
a healthy relationship --
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I say and do whatever I want,
and they tell me I'm great.
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I've been told I was great
my whole life,
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and now I'm perfectly
well-adjusted.
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Waiter! Why are your straws
trying to destroy my family?!
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[weeping wildlty]
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[President Trump] Oh, my God,
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Fox News, what a night.
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00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,984
The bartender
cut off Brett Kavanaugh,
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so he chugged the contents
of a fire extinguisher and --
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[gasps] Fox News!
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Americans are tired
of politicians
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attempting to
improve their lives.
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You're cheating on me
with a Democrat?!
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Does me transcribing your
entire day's programming
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into my tweets
mean nothing to you?!
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I'm sleeping
at my lawyer's!
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[cheers and applause]
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[announcer] Welcome back to
the Nevada Presidential Forum.
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You already know
my stump speech by heart,
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so I'm gonna skip the words
and just hit the notes.
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[jazz scatting]
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In my view...
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[jazz scatting]
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For far too long!
[cheers and applause]
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[man] Dude, you gotta
speak at Red Rocks!
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That was tremendous.
They gave a standing ovation
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to my five-minute
coughing fit.
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You had them eating
expired lozenges
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out of the palm
of your hand.
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Way to go, Bernie! That's
the sort of grassroots energy
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that carries you straight
to the White House.
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Thank you. And might I add
that I dig your new look.
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Let me guess --
you also got that jacket
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at Disheveled Dan's
Fabric Dump...
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[both] Off the I-91
on the way to Brattleboro!
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Precisely! Oh, Liz,
this is my brilliant wife,
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campaign manager, and mother
to our apricot tree, Jane.
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Hi, I'm Bernie Sanders'
wife,
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campaign manager,
and apricot mother.
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Bernie and I appreciate the
enthusiasm across the country.
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I told ya,
she's brilliant.
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Well, if you'll excuse me,
my cardiologist
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has to run a pipe cleaner
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through my heart.
Tremendous!
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[as Bernie] One percent.
And -- Of the one percent.
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O-Of the one percent.
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Don, Ivanka,
Don's brother...
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you've probably noticed
that me and Fox News
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have been fighting a lot,
and Fox News has had
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00:05:03,484 --> 00:05:04,776
some special visitors
lately.
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00:05:04,859 --> 00:05:06,442
We know you're
breaking up with them.
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00:05:06,526 --> 00:05:08,776
Just promise that Jesse Watters
can still watch
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Kimberly and I
do it gorilla-style.
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[whining] Is it because
I whizzed in my hamper?
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It certainly didn't help, but
you guys don't need to worry.
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Fox News and I will
get through this.
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00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,859
We've invested so much
in each other. [sighs]
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I always thought Obama
was the Lockerbie bomber.
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Right!
Me too!
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00:05:23,984 --> 00:05:25,693
I also always thought
that right now, too!
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00:05:25,776 --> 00:05:27,317
It's like we're meant
for each other.
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This may sound forward, but...
do you want kids in cages?
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For a long time I didn't,
but then I met
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the right president,
and now I think I just might.
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[Hannity]
What are you doing?
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00:05:37,984 --> 00:05:40,317
Ah, I'm just watching TV.
What are you doing?
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Ah, just doing the show
you're watching.
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[twinkling]
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Everything will be fine.
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Fox News is the only love
I've ever known.
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There's no way this guy's
a hedge-fund manager at 23.
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Swipe left.
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00:05:55,359 --> 00:05:59,067
I've worked my whole life
to advance democratic socialism,
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and now the party
is finally coming around
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00:06:01,526 --> 00:06:02,943
on Medicare for All.
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Maybe it's time to escape
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the hustle and bustle
of downtown Burlington
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and settle somewhere
in upstate Vermont.
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00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:10,943
I think we should
downsize anyway.
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00:06:11,025 --> 00:06:12,693
I'm not the Queen
of Versailles;
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00:06:12,776 --> 00:06:14,984
I don't need
one and a half bathrooms.
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After Bernie, it was
Elizabeth Warren's turn
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to woo Nevada voters.
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[normal voice]
One percent of the one percent!
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[jazz scatting]
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We need to take steps
towards Medicare for All!
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[jazz scatting]
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She appropriated
Native Americans,
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and now she's
appropriating me!
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Remember what
the doctor said --
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00:06:31,776 --> 00:06:33,609
"Too much arm flailing,
and your heart
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will squirt out of your nose
like soft serve."
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[coughing]
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[Bernie]
Don't get me wrong.
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I am happy to have
my issues out there.
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But come on!
Don't stress.
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Let's just go sleep
on our rock-hard Murphy bed
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with two inflatable
camping pillows.
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00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,776
[President Trump] I just feel
like you need to tell me
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if you're going to see
other candidates.
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Whoa! I mean,
we gave him a forum,
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but it didn't
mean anything!
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00:06:57,901 --> 00:06:59,984
Yeah, we were talking
about you the entire time.
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00:07:00,067 --> 00:07:02,442
Sometimes it feels like you
don't support my passion
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00:07:02,526 --> 00:07:04,192
for extorting
foreign governments
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00:07:04,275 --> 00:07:06,401
to destroy
my political rivals.
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00:07:06,484 --> 00:07:08,359
[overlapping arguing]
-That's ridiculous!
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Tell you what --
first thing tomorrow morning,
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we're having a phoner.
Really?!
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00:07:12,025 --> 00:07:14,484
Just you, the three of us,
and a million old people
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00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,734
descending into madness
and isolation.
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00:07:16,818 --> 00:07:18,192
[twinkle!]
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00:07:19,651 --> 00:07:23,401
One percent of the top one
percent of the one percent...
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00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:25,359
Bernie, how come
you're not asleep?
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00:07:25,442 --> 00:07:27,901
I got the five space heaters on
just how you like it.
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00:07:27,984 --> 00:07:32,109
[sighs] Jane, I am okay with
my opponents jacking my swag,
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00:07:32,192 --> 00:07:34,901
but we all know they're
just gonna ditch my policies
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00:07:34,984 --> 00:07:37,234
when the primary is over.
Don't be silly.
200
00:07:37,317 --> 00:07:40,192
Didn't Joe Biden pledge to
raise taxes on billionaires?
201
00:07:40,275 --> 00:07:42,984
Yes! But then he winked
both eyes and screamed, "Psych!"
202
00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:44,275
thinking he was whispering.
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00:07:44,359 --> 00:07:46,067
You'll see at the debate.
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00:07:46,150 --> 00:07:47,567
I bet more than one of them
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00:07:47,651 --> 00:07:49,359
answers a question
on wealth inequality
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00:07:49,442 --> 00:07:51,818
by whipping out
a landlord's severed head.
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00:07:51,901 --> 00:07:53,192
208
00:07:53,275 --> 00:07:54,442
[sultry music playing]
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00:07:54,526 --> 00:07:56,275
[President Trump]
Are you almost ready?
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00:07:56,359 --> 00:07:58,943
[woman] Yes, Mr. President.
Coming to you in 3, 2, 1.
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00:07:59,025 --> 00:08:01,109
And let's bring on
the President!
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00:08:01,192 --> 00:08:02,609
[inhales deeply] I --
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00:08:02,693 --> 00:08:05,234
Oh, no, Mr. President!
We have breaking news!
214
00:08:05,317 --> 00:08:07,734
North Korea has just tested
a nuclear-tipped
215
00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:09,442
intercontinental
ballistic missile!
216
00:08:09,526 --> 00:08:11,984
Stay tuned to Fox News
for wall-to-wall coverage!
217
00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:14,609
somber music plays
218
00:08:14,693 --> 00:08:16,484
[Hannity] We will be
monitoring and escalating
219
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:18,484
the situation as it unfolds.
220
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:20,025
[groaning]
That's all for today.
221
00:08:20,109 --> 00:08:22,109
Mr. President, we are so sorry
we stood you up.
222
00:08:22,192 --> 00:08:25,025
If you never want to talk to us
again, we totally understand.
223
00:08:25,109 --> 00:08:26,442
Also, I think I left
a microfleece vest
224
00:08:26,526 --> 00:08:28,359
in your office.
Could you send it back?
225
00:08:28,442 --> 00:08:31,275
It's my favorite microfleece.
You know, never mind. Keep it.
226
00:08:31,359 --> 00:08:33,484
Actually, no,
send it back if you could.
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00:08:33,567 --> 00:08:35,150
[blows]
228
00:08:36,401 --> 00:08:38,859
[Cuomo] Welcome to
tonight's debate in Nevada,
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00:08:38,943 --> 00:08:41,025
home of the greatest movie
in the world -- Hangover.
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00:08:41,109 --> 00:08:43,901
I'm Chris Cuomo, and I've read
every issue of Men's Journal.
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00:08:43,984 --> 00:08:46,401
The first question
goes to Vice President Biden.
232
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,192
Do you support
Medicare for All or what?
233
00:08:48,275 --> 00:08:50,150
Of course.
I will fight to my last breath
234
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:51,984
for whatever the hell
you just said.
235
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:54,192
I have a plan
that promises Medicare
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00:08:54,275 --> 00:08:57,609
for all who don't read past
the plan's title page!
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00:08:57,693 --> 00:08:59,359
I agree.
Medicare for All,
238
00:08:59,442 --> 00:09:01,609
Medicare for Some,
Medicare for None.
239
00:09:01,693 --> 00:09:03,818
I support any of the above.
[cheers and applause]
240
00:09:03,901 --> 00:09:05,818
Sounds like everyone's
in complete agreement.
241
00:09:05,901 --> 00:09:07,818
Let's go out and steal
some stop signs, ah?
242
00:09:07,901 --> 00:09:09,025
-Whoo!
-Wait!
243
00:09:09,109 --> 00:09:10,943
Yeesh! What do you want,
Mr. Yackety-Yack?
244
00:09:11,025 --> 00:09:14,359
Well, Chris, these candidates
are yacketing my yack.
245
00:09:14,442 --> 00:09:17,984
And the question is, do
they believe in these policies
246
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:21,693
or are they simply appropriating
them when it's convenient?
247
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:24,526
What did you say?
I was thinking of a naked lady.
248
00:09:24,609 --> 00:09:26,442
It is now my mission
249
00:09:26,526 --> 00:09:29,693
to hold you all
to the socialist promises
250
00:09:29,776 --> 00:09:32,401
you've made during
this primary campaign
251
00:09:32,484 --> 00:09:36,192
so we can finally bring
compassion to America!
252
00:09:36,275 --> 00:09:37,275
[cheers and applause]
253
00:09:37,359 --> 00:09:40,025
Va-va-voom. She is perfect!
254
00:09:40,109 --> 00:09:41,359
255
00:09:41,442 --> 00:09:43,109
Sir, according to
the intelligence reports,
256
00:09:43,192 --> 00:09:44,901
the North Koreans
are days from being able
257
00:09:44,984 --> 00:09:46,192
to strike
the United States.
258
00:09:46,275 --> 00:09:48,275
You know what,
I'm so over Fox News.
259
00:09:48,359 --> 00:09:50,359
I'm sick of them
treating me like trash.
260
00:09:50,442 --> 00:09:53,150
I'm smart, I got an ass
you can bounce a quarter off,
261
00:09:53,234 --> 00:09:55,651
and any network
would be lucky to have me.
262
00:09:55,734 --> 00:09:57,067
[Cabinet] Ooooooooo!
263
00:09:57,150 --> 00:09:58,567
If you're
so over Fox News,
264
00:09:58,651 --> 00:10:01,234
call Rupert Murdoch
and break it off right now.
265
00:10:01,317 --> 00:10:04,150
[Cabinet chanting]
Do it! Do it! Do it!
266
00:10:04,234 --> 00:10:07,818
No, I'm busy. I'm hearing
about Pompeo's nuclear whatever.
267
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,192
Nuclear threat
to the homeland.
268
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,067
-I knew you weren't over them!
-Oh, my God.
269
00:10:12,150 --> 00:10:13,401
Fine!
[cellphone beeps]
270
00:10:13,484 --> 00:10:14,442
[line ringing]
271
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,859
[singsong voice]
It's ringing!
272
00:10:16,943 --> 00:10:18,275
[Murdoch]
G'day. How ya goin'?
273
00:10:18,359 --> 00:10:20,401
You can keep all
your quarters rolled up
274
00:10:20,484 --> 00:10:23,401
because you're never gonna
bounce them off this ass again.
275
00:10:23,484 --> 00:10:24,567
Who's this?
276
00:10:24,651 --> 00:10:25,734
[Cabinet cheering]
277
00:10:25,818 --> 00:10:28,317
And now the spotlight's on me!
278
00:10:28,401 --> 00:10:29,943
[auto-tuned] Whooaaa
279
00:10:30,025 --> 00:10:32,109
I'm an angel in disguise
280
00:10:32,192 --> 00:10:34,109
And it's time to set me free
281
00:10:34,192 --> 00:10:36,901
Put the spotlights on me
282
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,943
Spotlight!
283
00:10:39,025 --> 00:10:40,484
[soft jazz music plays]
284
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,651
[President Trump] Obviously,
I take care of my body.
285
00:10:42,734 --> 00:10:45,734
I have a demanding job, but
I don't take it too seriously.
286
00:10:45,818 --> 00:10:47,526
I have stupid kids.
I hope that's okay.
287
00:10:47,609 --> 00:10:50,067
What else? Oh, on the weekends,
I like to get out of the city
288
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,526
and visit my lawyers in prison.
What's your deal?
289
00:10:52,609 --> 00:10:55,484
We usually don't have
the President on our network.
290
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:58,943
It's mostly just me yelling
at a 400-inch iPad.
291
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,859
Or passing along
debate questions
292
00:11:00,943 --> 00:11:02,984
to whoever the DNC
tells us to.
293
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,150
This is all new to me, too.
I mean, I just got out
294
00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:06,859
of a really toxic
relationship.
295
00:11:06,943 --> 00:11:08,609
It's like I do
everything right,
296
00:11:08,693 --> 00:11:09,901
and they still criticize me
297
00:11:09,984 --> 00:11:12,484
24 seconds a day,
seven days a year.
298
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:14,359
I'm sorry I'm not perfect!
299
00:11:14,442 --> 00:11:17,025
I'm sorry I tweet out
their home addresses
300
00:11:17,109 --> 00:11:20,609
if they use the wrong adjective
to describe my jaw line.
301
00:11:20,693 --> 00:11:22,192
[voice breaking]
I'm just quirky!
302
00:11:22,275 --> 00:11:25,943
I'm sorry. I-I-I promised myself
I wouldn't talk about my ex!
303
00:11:26,025 --> 00:11:27,984
Hey, look at me. I see you.
You're the President.
304
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,150
And you deserve a network
that respects you through
305
00:11:30,234 --> 00:11:32,150
every one of your
public manic episodes.
306
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,025
-Thank you.
-Why don't we bring you home?
307
00:11:34,109 --> 00:11:37,025
[crying] Okay.
I live in the White House.
308
00:11:37,109 --> 00:11:39,192
And it's hell!
309
00:11:39,275 --> 00:11:40,609
[news jingle plays]
310
00:11:40,693 --> 00:11:42,442
It's Sunday morning.
It's Meet the Presley.
311
00:11:42,526 --> 00:11:44,317
It was Elvis Presley's
birthday last month.
312
00:11:44,401 --> 00:11:46,150
We're here with Bernie Sanders
after he made --
313
00:11:46,234 --> 00:11:47,526
there's no other way
to say it --
314
00:11:47,609 --> 00:11:49,859
a splash in the latest
Democratic debate.
315
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,776
Good morning, Senator.
And he is on satellite.
316
00:11:51,859 --> 00:11:53,651
Good morning, Doctor Sanders --
Senator Sanders.
317
00:11:53,734 --> 00:11:56,025
-And how are you this fine S--
-Chuck, I'm gonna cut you off
318
00:11:56,109 --> 00:11:57,943
so you can get
ahold of yourself.
319
00:11:58,025 --> 00:12:01,818
In my hand, I hold a pledge
that I am very politely
320
00:12:01,901 --> 00:12:04,734
asking all Democratic candidates
to sign -- in blood --
321
00:12:04,818 --> 00:12:06,567
stating that,
in the general election,
322
00:12:06,651 --> 00:12:08,901
they will support
socialist priorities,
323
00:12:08,984 --> 00:12:12,526
namely Medicare for All
and sky-high taxes
324
00:12:12,609 --> 00:12:16,025
for anyone who uses multiple
forks at a single meal.
325
00:12:16,109 --> 00:12:17,192
Wow. Two splashes.
326
00:12:17,275 --> 00:12:19,025
What are you,
jumping in a pool twice?
327
00:12:19,109 --> 00:12:20,984
And you know what?
I'm tossing in here
328
00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:24,359
"ending Chuck Todd's reign
on terror on Meet the Press."
329
00:12:24,442 --> 00:12:26,192
Okay. Wow.
That happened.
330
00:12:26,275 --> 00:12:27,484
331
00:12:27,567 --> 00:12:29,401
[Giuliani] So it was
awkward with CNN.
332
00:12:29,484 --> 00:12:31,526
My first date with
my mistress was brutal.
333
00:12:31,609 --> 00:12:33,734
My other mistress came in
and sat on my lap,
334
00:12:33,818 --> 00:12:35,359
and they started pulling
each other's hair,
335
00:12:35,442 --> 00:12:37,192
smacking each other
with floor lamps.
336
00:12:37,275 --> 00:12:38,734
It was a weird day
at the office.
337
00:12:38,818 --> 00:12:41,192
I guess, worst case, I'll get
a fun live shot out of it.
338
00:12:41,275 --> 00:12:42,609
That's the spirit!
339
00:12:42,693 --> 00:12:44,734
Hey, while you're there,
can you ask Anderson Cooper
340
00:12:44,818 --> 00:12:47,734
if he's got a chunky aunt
for me to go nuts on?
341
00:12:47,818 --> 00:12:49,359
[rock music plays on stereo]
342
00:12:49,442 --> 00:12:52,776
Joey, bubby, are we signing
my socialism pledge or what?
343
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:54,734
Think how fantastic
you're gonna look
344
00:12:54,818 --> 00:12:56,859
with this albatross
around your neck.
345
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,609
Yeah, no,
I'm not going left, pal.
346
00:12:58,693 --> 00:13:00,150
If anything,
I'm thinking about
347
00:13:00,234 --> 00:13:02,067
coming out against
public schools!
348
00:13:02,150 --> 00:13:05,067
Liz, it's got the socialism,
the Medicare for All,
349
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:06,484
the Seizing the Means
of Production...
350
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:08,567
How is that thing
gonna play in Florida?
351
00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:10,651
Let me tell you something
about old voters --
352
00:13:10,734 --> 00:13:12,651
they love change
and upheaval.
353
00:13:12,734 --> 00:13:13,818
Hello? Young man?
354
00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:15,734
Is your father home?
Excuse me?
355
00:13:15,818 --> 00:13:18,609
Amy, Joe Biden is on the
other line begging to sign this.
356
00:13:18,693 --> 00:13:21,734
Oh, he's with you? Okay, I lied.
Ask if he's changed his mind.
357
00:13:21,818 --> 00:13:23,734
Well, what's it gonna take
to get your bloody signature
358
00:13:23,818 --> 00:13:26,275
on my pledge?! So, how left
can I put ya down for?
359
00:13:26,359 --> 00:13:28,109
I'll take out
the Medicare for All,
360
00:13:28,192 --> 00:13:29,859
but you gotta give me
the Green New Deal.
361
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,609
It's a steal at 50 trillion.
362
00:13:31,693 --> 00:13:34,567
Tulsi, I didn't wanna have to
go there, but I am dying.
363
00:13:34,651 --> 00:13:38,109
[coughing] You gotta sign this.
It is my dying wish!
364
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,484
[click, dial tone]
365
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:42,317
[woman] What about North Korea's
continued aggression?
366
00:13:42,401 --> 00:13:44,025
-Do you have a statement?!
-Not really.
367
00:13:44,109 --> 00:13:46,943
I've been pretty much focused on
putting me first for a change.
368
00:13:47,025 --> 00:13:48,776
Oh, h-h-hey, Wolf.
369
00:13:48,859 --> 00:13:50,526
-Hey. How you been?
-Good.
370
00:13:50,609 --> 00:13:52,067
That dinner
the other night went...
371
00:13:52,150 --> 00:13:53,150
[both] terrible.
372
00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:55,359
So awkward!
What was that?
373
00:13:55,442 --> 00:13:57,025
It's been a while.
374
00:13:57,109 --> 00:13:59,526
We haven't given you an
unchecked platform for months.
375
00:13:59,609 --> 00:14:00,984
Totally. Hey...
376
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:03,484
you wanna see a great view
of the Washington Monument?
377
00:14:03,567 --> 00:14:06,317
dramatic music soaring
378
00:14:06,401 --> 00:14:08,651
-What do you think?
-It's gorgeous.
379
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:10,567
[grinding]
380
00:14:10,651 --> 00:14:12,943
I don't take any ol'
news network up here.
381
00:14:13,025 --> 00:14:14,317
You're special.
You too.
382
00:14:14,401 --> 00:14:17,025
Hey, I have a live shot later.
Wanna join?
383
00:14:17,109 --> 00:14:18,484
384
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,859
I haven't done a live shot
with another network in a while.
385
00:14:21,943 --> 00:14:23,734
Don't worry.
We'll take it slow.
386
00:14:23,818 --> 00:14:24,943
Lights on or off?
387
00:14:25,025 --> 00:14:26,317
I like it
with the lights on,
388
00:14:26,401 --> 00:14:27,901
so our viewers can see us,
you know.
389
00:14:27,984 --> 00:14:29,401
I'm into it if you are.
390
00:14:29,484 --> 00:14:33,317
[producer] This is fucked up.
We're on in three, two, one!
391
00:14:33,401 --> 00:14:34,734
I'm here with
President Trump.
392
00:14:34,818 --> 00:14:37,984
Mr. Trump, how does it feel
to be on C...NN?
393
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:40,109
Feels like I got
my groove back.
394
00:14:40,192 --> 00:14:42,317
Spotlight on me
395
00:14:42,401 --> 00:14:43,818
Spotlight!
396
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:47,359
[Bernie]
So you're going to espouse
397
00:14:47,442 --> 00:14:50,818
socialist policies
but not sign the pledge?
398
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:53,943
That's like driving all the way
down to Disheveled Dan's
399
00:14:54,025 --> 00:14:56,609
and only buying
the itchiest scarf on Earth!
400
00:14:56,693 --> 00:14:58,275
Bernie, this is
America, folks!
401
00:14:58,359 --> 00:15:01,609
We spit lefty nonsense,
then once we win the primary,
402
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:03,693
claim amnesia
and run hard right!
403
00:15:03,776 --> 00:15:06,567
Maybe you all need
a little encouragement.
404
00:15:06,651 --> 00:15:08,526
suspenseful music plays
405
00:15:08,609 --> 00:15:10,025
In you go.
406
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:11,693
[narrator] The Democrats
pay lip service
407
00:15:11,776 --> 00:15:13,150
to progressive ideas,
408
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:15,109
yet they won't sign
a pledge to classify
409
00:15:15,192 --> 00:15:18,234
every Patagonia vest-wearer
as an enemy combatant.
410
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,526
Makes you wonder --
are they beholden to some
411
00:15:20,609 --> 00:15:23,442
shady, vaguely named
Political Action Committees?
412
00:15:23,526 --> 00:15:25,359
Paid for by Americans
for Good Americans Like You
413
00:15:25,442 --> 00:15:26,859
Don't Worry About It PAC.
414
00:15:26,943 --> 00:15:30,067
This airs nationwide
unless you sign by midnight.
415
00:15:30,150 --> 00:15:33,484
And, yes, I will be awake,
trying to take a piss.
416
00:15:34,526 --> 00:15:35,818
[camera shutters clicking]
417
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,609
Thanks to my fellow
Democrats' signatures
418
00:15:38,693 --> 00:15:41,567
on this pledge,
soon every American will have
419
00:15:41,651 --> 00:15:43,275
the same quality of life
420
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,609
as the unemployed Italian guys
sitting around the palazzo.
421
00:15:46,693 --> 00:15:49,901
And I've just been informed
by Disheveled Dan himself
422
00:15:49,984 --> 00:15:51,776
that each candidate
will receive
423
00:15:51,859 --> 00:15:55,317
one free weird brown sweater
with a zipper down the middle
424
00:15:55,401 --> 00:15:57,526
so you're not sure
if it's a sweater or a jacket.
425
00:15:57,609 --> 00:16:00,150
[applause]
[camera shutters clicking]
426
00:16:00,234 --> 00:16:02,984
Anyways, it's too dangerous
for tourists
427
00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:05,359
to visit the Washington Monument
for at least a decade.
428
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:09,693
Soooo...is anyone gonna ask
about my live shot with CNN?
429
00:16:09,776 --> 00:16:11,401
Ooh, how'd it go?
Spill, bitch.
430
00:16:11,484 --> 00:16:14,275
Amazing.
I feel alive again --
431
00:16:14,359 --> 00:16:15,859
My amphetamines taste better,
432
00:16:15,943 --> 00:16:18,275
I want to watch CNN
even when I'm not on it.
433
00:16:18,359 --> 00:16:22,150
Someday I can see me and CNN
having a show together.
434
00:16:22,234 --> 00:16:24,150
-Ooooooo!
-Oh, now, that's nice!
435
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,150
I'm very proud of you
for moving on,
436
00:16:26,234 --> 00:16:29,943
especially after what Fox News
did with Joe Biden last night.
437
00:16:30,025 --> 00:16:31,859
-What is wrong with you?!
-What the hell, man?!
438
00:16:31,943 --> 00:16:33,859
W-What did they do
with Joe Biden?
439
00:16:33,943 --> 00:16:37,317
Oh, my God. You opposed
bussing? You are so funny!
440
00:16:37,401 --> 00:16:40,693
Whoa. Me? [Chuckling] No.
You're the funny one!
441
00:16:40,776 --> 00:16:43,818
Wait a minute. Hannity used
to say the same thing to me!
442
00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,567
Get a new line, you dog!
443
00:16:45,651 --> 00:16:48,609
Dude, you should revoke
Fox's FCC license.
444
00:16:48,693 --> 00:16:51,693
Oh! Or tweet a picture of my
nads and say they're Hannity's.
445
00:16:51,776 --> 00:16:53,609
No.
That's just what he wants.
446
00:16:53,693 --> 00:16:56,776
We're all going to sit down
and be adults about this.
447
00:16:56,859 --> 00:16:58,484
[soft jazz music plays]
448
00:16:58,567 --> 00:16:59,943
[Bernie]
Jane, we did it!
449
00:17:00,025 --> 00:17:02,651
It's only a matter of time
before we are dining
450
00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:05,234
on the vital organs
of Wall Street executives.
451
00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:08,401
That'll be almost as cool
as this Democratic shindig.
452
00:17:08,484 --> 00:17:10,984
-Everyone looks hot tonight!
-What the hell?!
453
00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:13,317
You guys are ripping off
my Bernie rip-off!
454
00:17:13,401 --> 00:17:15,901
Did all yours come with
cigarette butts in the pockets?
455
00:17:15,984 --> 00:17:17,401
[both] Yes.
[glass clinking]
456
00:17:17,484 --> 00:17:20,067
Jeff Bezos? How the hell
did you get in here?
457
00:17:20,150 --> 00:17:22,818
I'm the richest person ever.
I can do whatever I want.
458
00:17:22,901 --> 00:17:24,359
Yesterday, I bought
my car a gift.
459
00:17:24,442 --> 00:17:26,567
I don't know what you Democrats
think you're doing
460
00:17:26,651 --> 00:17:28,609
with this pledge,
but you better knock it off!
461
00:17:28,693 --> 00:17:30,067
And I do mean same-day.
462
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,609
[Warren, Biden, Buttigieg]
Yes, Mr. Bezos.
463
00:17:31,693 --> 00:17:33,984
Good. Now I must go
explain to authorities
464
00:17:34,067 --> 00:17:36,984
why I shouldn't have to pay
workers in between footsteps.
465
00:17:37,067 --> 00:17:38,693
Oh, and get him!
466
00:17:38,776 --> 00:17:40,025
I just want to reiterate
467
00:17:40,109 --> 00:17:41,901
that this pledge
is the right thing to do.
468
00:17:41,984 --> 00:17:44,359
I'm sure that's more important
than your donor money,
469
00:17:44,442 --> 00:17:46,234
power, and -- RUN!
[mob shouting]
470
00:17:46,317 --> 00:17:47,484
[soft jazz music plays]
471
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,901
-Here's your microfleece.
-Thank you.
472
00:17:49,984 --> 00:17:53,651
See? There's no reason that
an autocrat, his old media arm,
473
00:17:53,734 --> 00:17:56,275
and his new media arm
can't all be friends.
474
00:17:56,359 --> 00:17:58,651
I'm so happy
to hear you say that.
475
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:01,192
Fox News is really happy, and
we're happy you're happy, too.
476
00:18:01,275 --> 00:18:03,651
Oh, we're so happy.
Tell him, Wolf.
477
00:18:03,734 --> 00:18:05,651
Tell him how happy we are.
478
00:18:05,734 --> 00:18:07,025
I shouldn't have
ordered scallops.
479
00:18:07,109 --> 00:18:10,359
They're hit...or miss.
I feel like such a bozo.
480
00:18:10,442 --> 00:18:12,109
[feigning]
Ha ha ha ha!
481
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,859
Isn't he funny?!
482
00:18:13,943 --> 00:18:16,401
Tell 'em that funny thing
you said before.
483
00:18:16,484 --> 00:18:18,734
No, it was just funny
in the moment.
484
00:18:18,818 --> 00:18:21,484
Oh, it was pretty funny.
He's so funny.
485
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,067
-Don't be shy.
-I'm not shy.
486
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:25,651
I just don't think it will
live up to the hype.
487
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:27,234
Oh, tell 'em!
488
00:18:27,317 --> 00:18:30,693
I saw a dog and said,
"He should run Congress."
489
00:18:31,484 --> 00:18:34,067
-I am humiliated.
-Delivery was better before.
490
00:18:34,150 --> 00:18:36,609
So, Biden,
tell me about you...
491
00:18:36,693 --> 00:18:39,067
You tried to destroy me,
you son of a bitch!
492
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:40,567
Joe, you promised!
493
00:18:40,651 --> 00:18:43,943
Ooh, sounds like you guys
are doing sooo well.
494
00:18:44,025 --> 00:18:46,442
Wolf, you're skin and bones.
Let me feed you.
495
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,693
I told you, I'm allergic
to nightshade vegetables.
496
00:18:49,776 --> 00:18:52,734
Wolf, you're
embarrassing me.
497
00:18:52,818 --> 00:18:54,025
[wheezing]
498
00:18:54,109 --> 00:18:55,901
I can't believe Fox News
moved on so quickly!
499
00:18:55,984 --> 00:18:58,901
Did you see how every time
Biden said a talking point,
500
00:18:58,984 --> 00:19:00,025
Hannity winced?
501
00:19:00,109 --> 00:19:01,275
Honeymoon over.
502
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:03,609
Wow. You really talk
a lot about Fox News.
503
00:19:03,693 --> 00:19:05,442
It was a really
special thing.
504
00:19:05,526 --> 00:19:08,943
I mean, I introduced Roger Ailes
to my parents' graves,
505
00:19:09,025 --> 00:19:10,484
but I am so over them.
506
00:19:10,567 --> 00:19:13,317
You know what? I'm gonna revoke
Fox's FCC license right now.
507
00:19:13,401 --> 00:19:15,943
[cellphone tweets]
I don't have time to play games.
508
00:19:16,025 --> 00:19:18,734
Do us networks out here
on the scene a favor --
509
00:19:18,818 --> 00:19:22,734
don't mess with our hearts until
yours is open for business.
510
00:19:22,818 --> 00:19:24,192
Let me out here.
[brakes squeal]
511
00:19:24,275 --> 00:19:25,943
Oh, come on, Wolf!
512
00:19:26,025 --> 00:19:27,567
You don't even know
where you are!
513
00:19:27,651 --> 00:19:29,609
Your eyes are swollen shut!
514
00:19:29,693 --> 00:19:32,818
Oh, he always gets like this
around the holidays.
515
00:19:32,901 --> 00:19:34,234
[mob shouting]
516
00:19:34,317 --> 00:19:35,401
[glass shattering]
517
00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:37,275
Damn it! That's
perfectly good wine.
518
00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:38,984
Bernie, are they
going to kill us?
519
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,693
Don't worry. We'll be fine
as long as this hatchback
520
00:19:41,776 --> 00:19:43,401
behaves for the next mile
521
00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:45,943
as it has
for the first 250,000.
522
00:19:46,025 --> 00:19:48,317
[engine clunking, sputters]
523
00:19:48,401 --> 00:19:49,651
God damn it!
524
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:52,317
One percent, one percent,
one percent!
525
00:19:52,401 --> 00:19:54,693
One day we should try
filling up the tank enough
526
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:57,526
to make the little
gas light turn off.
527
00:19:57,609 --> 00:19:59,359
Some nights are cold
528
00:19:59,442 --> 00:20:02,526
Don't be upset!
You got your live shot!
529
00:20:02,609 --> 00:20:05,943
Go find another network.
OAN's been asking about you.
530
00:20:06,025 --> 00:20:07,984
They want it too bad.
It's gross.
531
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:09,651
Those ones
are the most fun!
532
00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:13,109
And don't worry -- nobody's
gonna find out you're on OAN.
533
00:20:13,192 --> 00:20:14,651
[gasps]
Are you kidding me?!
534
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:17,818
Kim Jong-un escalating
tensions with the U.S.
535
00:20:17,901 --> 00:20:20,442
North Korea just openly
threatened to nuke Honolulu.
536
00:20:20,526 --> 00:20:22,484
They're acting like
I don't even exist!
537
00:20:22,567 --> 00:20:25,401
I'm two seconds away from
swearing off TV forever.
538
00:20:25,484 --> 00:20:27,150
[cellphone dings]
539
00:20:27,234 --> 00:20:29,693
Uh! No! Don't do it!
540
00:20:29,776 --> 00:20:32,109
You're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life!
541
00:20:32,192 --> 00:20:33,526
My mind's telling me no,
542
00:20:33,609 --> 00:20:35,984
but my desire to be on
television is telling me...
543
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:38,776
hubba-hubba
hamana-hamana-hamana awooooga!
544
00:20:38,859 --> 00:20:41,984
mid-tempo music plays
545
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,901
546
00:20:43,984 --> 00:20:47,651
Good morning, sunshine!
That live shot was amazing!
547
00:20:47,734 --> 00:20:49,776
You fell asleep
the moment it was over.
548
00:20:49,859 --> 00:20:52,109
Ugh! Lou Dobbs?
549
00:20:52,192 --> 00:20:54,943
I can't believe I appeared
on Fox Business.
550
00:20:55,025 --> 00:20:56,984
No, no, no.
I get what this is.
551
00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:59,025
So, do you want
to get breakfast or...?
552
00:20:59,109 --> 00:21:02,109
Uh, I-I gotta run.
Security briefings and all that.
553
00:21:02,192 --> 00:21:04,609
Oh, well, I have to sand down
some dead skin anyway.
554
00:21:04,693 --> 00:21:06,984
Y-You have my number. If you
ever want to get coffee
555
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:09,150
or demonize
an entire race...
556
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:10,943
Yeah, yeah.
I-I'll call ya.
557
00:21:11,025 --> 00:21:13,067
-Great. W-When?
-Uh...
558
00:21:13,150 --> 00:21:16,693
ya...duh...red...uh...
559
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:17,984
suspenseful chord strikes
560
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:19,526
I think they're gone.
561
00:21:19,609 --> 00:21:22,442
Sleeping under the glovebox
made me miss our rock-hard bed.
562
00:21:22,526 --> 00:21:24,275
Before we leave,
grab the Tupperware
563
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,442
and squeegee some of
that wine into it.
564
00:21:26,526 --> 00:21:29,901
I left the Tupperware at home to
soak our weekly lentil portion.
565
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:32,401
Okay, don't panic!
How do we get Tupperware
566
00:21:32,484 --> 00:21:36,067
to the middle of nowhere
fast?
567
00:21:36,150 --> 00:21:37,901
I am so sorry.
568
00:21:37,984 --> 00:21:39,484
Bernie, no!
[crying] Oh! No!
569
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:41,192
We have to.
We can't waste this wine.
570
00:21:41,275 --> 00:21:44,901
It is sustainable, organic,
and locally sourced!
571
00:21:45,025 --> 00:21:47,859
No one can know
that we did this.
572
00:21:48,693 --> 00:21:50,484
[knocking]
Hey.
573
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:52,567
Hey, Wolf.
Here's your microfleece.
574
00:21:52,651 --> 00:21:54,776
These things are
so forgettable, huh?
575
00:21:54,859 --> 00:21:57,693
I "forgot" it so
I could see you again.
576
00:21:57,776 --> 00:22:00,109
Look, what you have
with Fox News is special.
577
00:22:00,192 --> 00:22:02,401
It's not every day that
a president finds a network
578
00:22:02,484 --> 00:22:04,526
who repeats what he says
unconditionally.
579
00:22:04,609 --> 00:22:07,943
But I can't go back to them.
What if they hurt me again?
580
00:22:08,025 --> 00:22:09,776
State and media
relationships are hard,
581
00:22:09,859 --> 00:22:11,943
but knowing you're in it
for something bigger
582
00:22:12,025 --> 00:22:13,943
than either of you
pulls you through,
583
00:22:14,025 --> 00:22:16,442
and that something
is enriching yourselves.
584
00:22:16,526 --> 00:22:17,901
You're so right, Wolf.
585
00:22:17,984 --> 00:22:19,901
Hey, is Fox News still
in Midtown Manhattan?
586
00:22:19,984 --> 00:22:23,192
Breaking news -- with
Fox's FFC license revoked,
587
00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:25,359
they're moving to London
to try their luck
588
00:22:25,442 --> 00:22:28,484
stoking nationalistic
paranoia overseas.
589
00:22:28,567 --> 00:22:31,859
Their flight leaves
first thing in the morning.
590
00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:34,943
-Thanks for the ride, Barack.
-Uh, not a problem.
591
00:22:35,025 --> 00:22:37,234
I was in the area location
scouting for a Netflix show
592
00:22:37,317 --> 00:22:39,401
about a guy who thinks
he has it all figured out,
593
00:22:39,484 --> 00:22:41,150
uh, but get this --
he doesn't.
594
00:22:41,234 --> 00:22:43,818
So, shifting the party to the
left. You think it's a mistake?
595
00:22:43,901 --> 00:22:46,317
If it were 2008,
I'd say, "Big mistake."
596
00:22:46,401 --> 00:22:47,943
-Well, screw you!
-But...
597
00:22:48,025 --> 00:22:50,192
-Oh, there was more.
-...2008 was a long time ago.
598
00:22:50,275 --> 00:22:51,818
Back then,
Mitch McConnell
599
00:22:51,901 --> 00:22:53,693
hadn't fully latched
onto the devil's teat.
600
00:22:53,776 --> 00:22:56,359
So now, I want the party
to move so far left
601
00:22:56,442 --> 00:22:58,192
that to get anything done,
Mitch will have to reach
602
00:22:58,275 --> 00:23:00,442
across the aisle
and shake hands with a bong.
603
00:23:00,526 --> 00:23:01,943
That's what
I've been saying!
604
00:23:02,025 --> 00:23:04,651
Now I just need
to convince my party
605
00:23:04,734 --> 00:23:06,275
that I caucus with
reluctantly.
606
00:23:06,359 --> 00:23:08,484
Better go quick.
They're in Washington right now,
607
00:23:08,567 --> 00:23:11,526
figuring out how to boot you
out of the Beltway.
608
00:23:11,609 --> 00:23:15,275
[news jingle plays]
609
00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:17,442
A North Korean
nuclear-armed submarine
610
00:23:17,526 --> 00:23:19,609
has been detected
off the coast of Hawaii,
611
00:23:19,693 --> 00:23:22,442
which is romantic
even for a solo traveler.
612
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:25,234
The President has yet to respond
because he is attending
613
00:23:25,317 --> 00:23:28,150
to a matter of far greater
importance -- true love.
614
00:23:28,234 --> 00:23:30,275
Oh, God. I'm crying.
615
00:23:30,359 --> 00:23:34,109
Ah...ah-ah-ah. Ah.
616
00:23:34,192 --> 00:23:36,109
flowery music plays
617
00:23:36,192 --> 00:23:38,150
Are we sure this
is the right move?
618
00:23:38,234 --> 00:23:40,025
As sure as I am that
whenever I'm in public,
619
00:23:40,109 --> 00:23:42,317
someone is giving me the finger
one inch behind my head.
620
00:23:42,401 --> 00:23:43,859
[sighs loudly]
You're right.
621
00:23:43,943 --> 00:23:47,693
[President Trump] Wait! Stop
the boat or plane or whatever!
622
00:23:47,776 --> 00:23:49,734
Don't go, Fox News!
623
00:23:49,818 --> 00:23:51,234
[Hannity]
It's over, Trump!
624
00:23:51,317 --> 00:23:53,401
We've been DM'ing
with Boris Johnson,
625
00:23:53,484 --> 00:23:54,984
and he's just
so passionate
626
00:23:55,067 --> 00:23:56,943
about destroying
multiculturalism!
627
00:23:57,025 --> 00:23:59,234
And he's got
an accent, baby!
628
00:23:59,317 --> 00:24:01,609
I know the mutually beneficial
financial relationship
629
00:24:01,693 --> 00:24:03,651
between the White House
and corporate media
630
00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:04,984
makes things complicated,
631
00:24:05,067 --> 00:24:07,025
but if you're willing
to give me another chance,
632
00:24:07,109 --> 00:24:09,567
I'm willing to shred
the First Amendment!
633
00:24:09,651 --> 00:24:11,943
634
00:24:12,025 --> 00:24:14,693
[Schumer] Are we sure we should
expel Bernie from the caucus?
635
00:24:14,776 --> 00:24:16,442
Fuck him! Not one
of the extremely nice
636
00:24:16,526 --> 00:24:18,025
Minnesota racists
like him.
637
00:24:18,109 --> 00:24:20,359
I'm convinced, mostly because
Amy said if I defied her,
638
00:24:20,442 --> 00:24:22,067
she'd beat me
with my own femur.
639
00:24:22,150 --> 00:24:25,693
Wait! Now, this might be the
wine-windshield wiper fluid
640
00:24:25,776 --> 00:24:27,693
cocktail I just drank,
but hear me out!
641
00:24:27,776 --> 00:24:31,901
If we stay left, the people
will follow us off the cliff
642
00:24:32,025 --> 00:24:34,025
onto the utopian rocks
below.
643
00:24:34,109 --> 00:24:35,526
We're Americans, Bernie,
644
00:24:35,609 --> 00:24:38,109
and that means we cherish
the freedom to die
645
00:24:38,192 --> 00:24:41,651
in the emergency-room lobby,
begging to see a doctor!
646
00:24:41,734 --> 00:24:43,943
That's what Republicans
want you to think
647
00:24:44,025 --> 00:24:46,067
because they want you
to compromise
648
00:24:46,150 --> 00:24:49,150
even though they have zero
intention of doing the same.
649
00:24:49,234 --> 00:24:50,859
So screw compromise!
650
00:24:50,943 --> 00:24:54,859
I didn't compromise on
my bed being made of hickory,
651
00:24:54,943 --> 00:24:58,275
and I haven't
regretted it since!
652
00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:00,943
Come on, Fox News!
Say yes!
653
00:25:01,025 --> 00:25:03,234
It just feels right!
654
00:25:03,317 --> 00:25:06,067
Look, you've gotta let us
interview Democrats!
655
00:25:06,150 --> 00:25:08,359
The more fair and balanced
we appear,
656
00:25:08,442 --> 00:25:10,150
the more
we can do for you!
657
00:25:10,234 --> 00:25:11,776
Nope. Sorry.
Too insecure.
658
00:25:11,859 --> 00:25:14,943
-Ah! What do you say, Rupert?
-It's moot now.
659
00:25:15,025 --> 00:25:17,984
His propeller ruined
the damn jet!
660
00:25:18,067 --> 00:25:19,984
Invoice me!
I'll ignore it!
661
00:25:20,067 --> 00:25:23,275
Trump, you son of a bitch.
Let's do it!
662
00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:24,609
Let's reestablish
663
00:25:24,693 --> 00:25:26,609
our destructive
co-dependent relationship.
664
00:25:26,693 --> 00:25:29,859
Come here, you boot-licking
garbage slingers!
665
00:25:29,943 --> 00:25:32,567
[grinding]
666
00:25:36,442 --> 00:25:38,484
Come on, Democrats!
667
00:25:38,567 --> 00:25:39,984
You gotta stick with me!
668
00:25:40,067 --> 00:25:43,609
Let's try running on
popular policies for once.
669
00:25:43,693 --> 00:25:45,526
Let's say the things
that actually got
670
00:25:45,609 --> 00:25:49,317
my lazy, unshaven supporters
off their couch-beds!
671
00:25:49,401 --> 00:25:52,150
And let's follow through
with some of it!
672
00:25:52,234 --> 00:25:54,317
No more shopping
at Disheveled Dan's.
673
00:25:54,401 --> 00:25:56,359
And screw
your stupid pledge!
674
00:25:56,442 --> 00:25:58,567
I only spill
other people's blood!
675
00:25:58,651 --> 00:26:00,025
Fine. But do me a favor.
676
00:26:00,109 --> 00:26:02,526
When you repeat my ideas
word for word,
677
00:26:02,609 --> 00:26:03,859
try to defend them
678
00:26:03,943 --> 00:26:06,526
even after someone raises
the slightest concern?
679
00:26:06,609 --> 00:26:07,901
[all] Fine.
680
00:26:07,984 --> 00:26:10,693
No one's happy. Great!
And one more thing.
681
00:26:10,776 --> 00:26:12,693
Disheveled Dan's just rebranded
682
00:26:12,776 --> 00:26:15,693
as Fancy Dan's Dirty Suits
for Dapper Gents,
683
00:26:15,776 --> 00:26:17,651
so you can't stop me, baby!
684
00:26:17,734 --> 00:26:22,234
One percent of one percent
of one percent of one percent
685
00:26:22,317 --> 00:26:23,693
calm music plays
686
00:26:23,776 --> 00:26:27,275
We're so glad you're back,
President Trump.
687
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:29,025
Thanks for being
my unrepentant mouthpiece.
688
00:26:29,109 --> 00:26:30,651
So, what do you want
to talk about?
689
00:26:30,734 --> 00:26:32,192
The North Korea
nuclear threat?
690
00:26:32,275 --> 00:26:35,484
I've no idea what you're
talking about. Let's just be.
691
00:26:35,567 --> 00:26:37,067
Sounds good to me.
Oh, my God.
692
00:26:37,150 --> 00:26:39,859
Rupert is freaking out
about his jet.
693
00:26:39,943 --> 00:26:41,401
[President Trump] Shut up!
694
00:26:41,484 --> 00:26:43,567
What kind of asshole cares
only about material wealth?
695
00:26:43,651 --> 00:26:45,776
Oh, did you hear
I got my catheter gilded?
696
00:26:45,859 --> 00:26:47,484
[Fox anchors] Ooo!
697
00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:48,984
['80s-style pop music plays]
698
00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:51,901
Donald Trump
is the president
699
00:26:51,984 --> 00:26:55,442
Donald Trump
is the president
700
00:26:55,526 --> 00:26:58,067
Is Donald Trump
the president?
701
00:26:58,150 --> 00:26:59,693
Yes, he is
702
00:26:59,776 --> 00:27:02,526
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
703
00:27:02,609 --> 00:27:05,192
Is Donald Trump
the president?
704
00:27:05,275 --> 00:27:06,859
Yes, he is
705
00:27:06,943 --> 00:27:09,567
We had a vote
and elected him president
706
00:27:09,651 --> 00:27:14,901
Donald Trump
is the president
707
00:27:16,943 --> 00:27:18,484
Donald Trump
708
00:27:18,567 --> 00:27:22,067
He is our president
709
00:27:22,150 --> 00:27:25,442
We made him president
710
00:27:25,526 --> 00:27:27,651
We did it
711
00:27:27,734 --> 00:27:31,651
Donald Trump
is the president
712
00:27:31,734 --> 00:27:34,693
We elected Donald Trump
713
00:27:34,776 --> 00:27:38,275
Donald Trump
is the president
714
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:41,984
Donald Trump
is the president
715
00:27:42,067 --> 00:27:45,609
Yeah
716
00:27:45,693 --> 00:27:47,693
Trump!
55499
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