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1
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,269
- Hi.
- Hey.
2
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,370
I don't feel so good.
3
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,172
Aww, what's going on?
4
00:00:07,274 --> 00:00:08,407
Let's see.
5
00:00:08,822 --> 00:00:09,942
Ooh. You are kinda warm.
6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,243
Maybe get rid of some of these blankets?
7
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,247
Aw, that is cute.
8
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,416
You tried to scare me for Halloween.
9
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:20,351
How in the world did
that not frighten you?
10
00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,220
Some of this is my actual blood.
11
00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:23,988
I nicked myself putting it on!
12
00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,257
Sweetie, you don't know the
first thing about scaring people.
13
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:27,759
It's all about plausibility.
14
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,027
And you were awfully casual
15
00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:31,095
for a guy who just got
an ax in the chest.
16
00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,597
You know,
if you really wanted to scare me,
17
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,232
you should've waited
until I opened the closet
18
00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:36,134
and found you hanging by a necktie.
19
00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:37,769
Excuse me!
20
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,404
I killed myself?!
21
00:00:39,472 --> 00:00:40,972
Yeah. Totally plausible.
22
00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:42,841
I mean, you've been
so happy all these years,
23
00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,166
the other shoe is bound to drop, right?
24
00:00:45,201 --> 00:00:48,079
By the way, I am not married
to the whole necktie thing.
25
00:00:48,691 --> 00:00:50,057
It could be, um...
26
00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:51,926
shotgun or poison
27
00:00:52,028 --> 00:00:53,260
or a power drill to the eye...
28
00:00:53,363 --> 00:00:54,528
Stop. Stop!
29
00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,230
Now you're scaring me.
30
00:00:56,332 --> 00:00:58,632
That's how you do it.
31
00:00:58,735 --> 00:00:59,867
Bam!
32
00:01:14,249 --> 00:01:15,449
Hey, happy Halloween!
33
00:01:15,551 --> 00:01:16,784
It was until your mother ruined it.
34
00:01:16,886 --> 00:01:17,918
Oh, he's just mad
35
00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:19,854
because he tried to
scare me and he couldn't.
36
00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:21,021
I'm tough to scare.
37
00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,256
My girlfriend's pregnant.
38
00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:23,624
- No!
- Phil.
39
00:01:23,726 --> 00:01:26,182
She's our age. If she was pregnant,
it'd be on the news.
40
00:01:26,217 --> 00:01:27,695
- But good one.
- Dad, I'm sorry.
41
00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:29,897
I don't have time to drop
this off for you again.
42
00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:31,665
Ida Mae Mann?
43
00:01:31,768 --> 00:01:32,800
Aww!
44
00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:34,068
Isn't that that lonely little lady
45
00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:35,469
that sits up in her window?
46
00:01:35,571 --> 00:01:36,580
He always makes me deliver
47
00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:37,938
his neighborhood association stuff
48
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,306
because he's afraid of her.
49
00:01:39,409 --> 00:01:40,474
That's crazy!
50
00:01:40,576 --> 00:01:42,309
I go by that house all the time.
51
00:01:45,248 --> 00:01:46,547
Not hot, Phil.
52
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,050
Fine! She's creepy!
53
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:52,119
She sits in that window
like a store cat.
54
00:01:52,221 --> 00:01:53,387
Okay.
55
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:55,122
I'll drop it off on the
way to dinner with Bill.
56
00:01:55,224 --> 00:01:56,624
He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00.
57
00:01:56,726 --> 00:01:59,593
Whoa. I'm going to Buon
Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice.
58
00:01:59,695 --> 00:02:00,861
Ew! I don't want to watch you
59
00:02:00,963 --> 00:02:02,563
run your discount
body-spray game on her.
60
00:02:02,665 --> 00:02:03,964
Change your reservation to later.
61
00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:05,132
I can't.
62
00:02:05,134 --> 00:02:06,300
She has to eat four hours before bed
63
00:02:06,402 --> 00:02:07,501
because of the reflux.
64
00:02:07,603 --> 00:02:09,170
- You change.
- No!
65
00:02:09,272 --> 00:02:11,338
We're going out after to see
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre,"
66
00:02:11,441 --> 00:02:12,973
which I can't believe I agreed to.
67
00:02:13,075 --> 00:02:15,709
Ooh, that sounds like fun.
I've never seen that movie.
68
00:02:15,812 --> 00:02:17,945
Can you believe that? Me, of all people.
69
00:02:18,047 --> 00:02:19,113
Uh, then we're going.
70
00:02:19,115 --> 00:02:20,948
You think you can't be scared anymore?
71
00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:23,284
That's the most terrifying
movie I've ever seen.
72
00:02:23,386 --> 00:02:24,485
Great, bring it.
73
00:02:24,587 --> 00:02:26,487
I look forward to being scared.
74
00:02:26,589 --> 00:02:27,679
I'm pregnant?
75
00:02:28,291 --> 00:02:29,375
Phil!
76
00:02:33,629 --> 00:02:35,196
Oh! Did you get the costumes?
77
00:02:35,298 --> 00:02:37,131
Yeah, I... I didn't have a lot of time,
78
00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:38,999
so I had to steal something from work.
79
00:02:39,101 --> 00:02:40,434
Please don't...
80
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:41,769
judge.
81
00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:43,404
Okay, that's not a bad start.
82
00:02:43,506 --> 00:02:46,507
I think I can work with this, yes.
83
00:02:46,609 --> 00:02:48,209
Lily, my pins!
84
00:02:48,311 --> 00:02:50,244
We are so excited for Halloween.
85
00:02:50,346 --> 00:02:51,579
You know, for the first time in years,
86
00:02:51,681 --> 00:02:52,746
we're gonna get a little cray
87
00:02:52,849 --> 00:02:54,949
and go to the big gay
Halloween carnival,
88
00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:57,351
like we used to when we
were young and childless...
89
00:02:57,453 --> 00:02:59,053
And people still said "cray."
90
00:02:59,155 --> 00:03:01,989
We... We've always had
Lily with us in the past,
91
00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:04,625
but we are on a crusade to
make her more independent,
92
00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,895
so when she got an invite
to a party, we sort of, uh...
93
00:03:07,997 --> 00:03:09,296
- RSVP'd for her.
- Yeah.
94
00:03:09,812 --> 00:03:11,332
But you know what?
It's gonna be good for her
95
00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:12,733
to socialize with people her age,
96
00:03:12,835 --> 00:03:14,702
and good for us to socialize with people
97
00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:15,869
- Half our age.
- Half our age.
98
00:03:16,037 --> 00:03:17,037
Okay.
99
00:03:17,139 --> 00:03:18,739
Mitchell...
100
00:03:18,841 --> 00:03:20,007
Judge...
101
00:03:20,109 --> 00:03:21,108
Judy.
102
00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:22,142
Your talent...
103
00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,044
It's like you were
touched by a gay-ngel.
104
00:03:24,146 --> 00:03:25,646
And you said we would never wear
105
00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:27,848
the groomsmen shoes from
Pepper's wedding again.
106
00:03:30,371 --> 00:03:32,086
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just a second, young lady.
107
00:03:32,188 --> 00:03:34,054
W-We're very happy you're
going to this party tonight,
108
00:03:34,156 --> 00:03:37,091
but, uh, isn't this costume a little,
uh, suggestive?
109
00:03:37,193 --> 00:03:39,326
This is my actual cheerleading outfit.
110
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,295
You guys know I'm doing that, right?
111
00:03:41,397 --> 00:03:42,796
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. Totally.
112
00:03:42,899 --> 00:03:44,431
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Totally.
113
00:03:44,534 --> 00:03:46,133
We should have known that, right?
114
00:03:48,371 --> 00:03:49,603
Oh, Joe, you're home early?
115
00:03:49,705 --> 00:03:50,804
I got a surprise for...
116
00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:52,195
Oh. Manny.
117
00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,275
Look, I know you breastfed
until you could stand,
118
00:03:54,377 --> 00:03:56,110
but aren't you a little old
to be trick-or-treating?
119
00:03:56,212 --> 00:03:57,344
This isn't for Halloween.
120
00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,480
I'm in final rehearsals
for my one-man show
121
00:03:59,582 --> 00:04:02,082
"Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again."
122
00:04:02,184 --> 00:04:03,951
I've saved you four seats,
but if you need more...
123
00:04:04,053 --> 00:04:05,152
No, four's good.
124
00:04:05,254 --> 00:04:06,353
So, what's the surprise?
125
00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:07,655
Well, it's kind of a Joe thing.
126
00:04:07,757 --> 00:04:09,757
You know, he's out
trick-or-treating with his friends.
127
00:04:09,859 --> 00:04:11,492
I-I'll wait till he comes
home to show it to him.
128
00:04:11,594 --> 00:04:14,194
Hmm, playing favorites with your sons,
129
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:15,996
perhaps unconsciously
repeating the cycle
130
00:04:16,098 --> 00:04:17,197
your own father perpetuated on...
131
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,033
You know, one ticket's
gonna be good enough.
132
00:04:19,686 --> 00:04:21,969
Is it cold in here, or is it just me
133
00:04:22,071 --> 00:04:24,939
because I am the frozen lady
from "Frozen"?
134
00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:27,074
Why aren't you wearing your costume?
135
00:04:27,176 --> 00:04:28,909
Let it go, Gloria. Let it go.
136
00:04:29,011 --> 00:04:31,378
But you said that since Joe
was out with Devon's family
137
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,781
that we were going to do
something fun together.
138
00:04:33,883 --> 00:04:35,649
Yes, fun. Have a Scotch,
139
00:04:35,751 --> 00:04:38,552
put that mutant spider
costume on Stella...
140
00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:41,388
Fine, I'll go meet
Mitch and Cam by myself.
141
00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:42,890
But you're gonna miss Joe's reaction
142
00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:44,258
when I give him my big surprise!
143
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,026
It's just a candy bar!
144
00:04:46,996 --> 00:04:49,930
18 months ago,
in an underreported news event,
145
00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:52,132
NagaSnacki Food Solutions
146
00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:55,269
discontinued the greatest
candy bar of all time.
147
00:04:55,371 --> 00:04:56,837
The Fudgy Duddy.
148
00:04:56,939 --> 00:04:58,806
After an exhaustive search...
149
00:04:58,908 --> 00:05:00,274
One Googling.
150
00:05:00,376 --> 00:05:02,910
...I tracked down this beauty.
151
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:07,014
Now my son can experience the
kind of quality confection
152
00:05:07,116 --> 00:05:08,616
our generation grew up with.
153
00:05:08,718 --> 00:05:09,917
"Our"?
154
00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:12,786
I am a Gen X. Don't make me a Boomer.
155
00:05:13,553 --> 00:05:16,123
Something horrible happened
to me last weekend.
156
00:05:16,225 --> 00:05:18,392
I'll just have the...
157
00:05:18,494 --> 00:05:19,526
seafood salad.
158
00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:21,128
Very good. And for your husband?
159
00:05:22,231 --> 00:05:23,931
Oh, no, no. He's my husband.
160
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,933
That's what he said.
161
00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:28,335
The day I have dreaded finally came...
162
00:05:28,437 --> 00:05:32,106
People assume that I am Jay's...
163
00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:33,641
wife.
164
00:05:33,743 --> 00:05:35,109
You kids have fun!
165
00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:36,977
Manny. What are you doing?
166
00:05:37,079 --> 00:05:38,345
Saving your house from being egged.
167
00:05:38,447 --> 00:05:39,546
You're all out of treats.
168
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:41,115
Luckily I found a
candy bar to give away.
169
00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:42,282
Oh, no.
170
00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:43,817
My Fudgy Duddy's gone!
171
00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:45,119
Nobody move!
172
00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:50,212
Hello there.
Uh, two for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
173
00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,445
Sorry, that sold out weeks ago.
174
00:05:52,638 --> 00:05:56,040
Which should've been updated
on our website, Bernard!
175
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,377
But we still have seats
176
00:05:58,378 --> 00:06:00,328
for that super scary Japanese film.
177
00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:01,879
- Yes!
- Uh, pause.
178
00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:03,948
How scary? How Japanese?
179
00:06:04,016 --> 00:06:06,584
I think the literal translation is
180
00:06:06,652 --> 00:06:08,753
"Make Dead with Old-Face Baby."
181
00:06:08,821 --> 00:06:10,121
- Two, please.
- No, um...
182
00:06:10,189 --> 00:06:12,089
Come on, honey,
you promised me a good scare.
183
00:06:12,158 --> 00:06:13,257
This'll be fun!
184
00:06:13,259 --> 00:06:14,558
- Okay.
- Okay.
185
00:06:15,145 --> 00:06:16,394
No!
186
00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:19,797
How you doing?
187
00:06:19,865 --> 00:06:21,432
Great. I'm so scared.
188
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,566
Aah.
189
00:06:22,635 --> 00:06:24,134
Don't patronize me.
190
00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:26,136
You don't think I can tell
when you're faking it?
191
00:06:26,205 --> 00:06:29,205
"Oh, Phil, mmm. It's so good."
192
00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:31,074
I know you hated my gumbo.
193
00:06:32,444 --> 00:06:34,144
Uh, excuse me.
194
00:06:34,213 --> 00:06:36,947
Hey. Uh,
I'm having a hard time in there.
195
00:06:37,015 --> 00:06:38,982
I... I came to see a movie
I'd already seen.
196
00:06:39,051 --> 00:06:41,084
Knew where all the jump scares were.
197
00:06:41,153 --> 00:06:43,887
Could you tell me where the
big ones are for this one?
198
00:06:43,956 --> 00:06:45,828
Sorry, dude. Haven't seen it.
199
00:06:46,601 --> 00:06:48,558
- I have.
- Ohhhh! God.
200
00:06:51,659 --> 00:06:52,925
It's okay.
201
00:06:53,027 --> 00:06:54,660
He's behind the door.
202
00:06:54,763 --> 00:06:56,095
He's behind the door.
203
00:06:56,364 --> 00:06:58,297
He's behind the... Aah!
204
00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:03,128
Something is wrong with you!
205
00:07:04,332 --> 00:07:06,932
Wow. This place has changed.
206
00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:08,801
It used to be so much...
207
00:07:08,903 --> 00:07:10,002
gayer.
208
00:07:10,104 --> 00:07:12,071
Straight people always
take our best stuff.
209
00:07:12,139 --> 00:07:14,306
First, they came for our brunches,
and I said nothing.
210
00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:16,342
Oh, hey... hey, Norm! Hey, Denise!
211
00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:17,976
Hey, girlfriends!
212
00:07:18,079 --> 00:07:19,812
I... don't think we can say that.
213
00:07:19,914 --> 00:07:20,946
You can't. Yeah.
214
00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:23,015
Wait. I-I-Isn't Lily
at a party at your house?
215
00:07:23,117 --> 00:07:25,117
- Yeah.
- That you're chaperoning?
216
00:07:25,186 --> 00:07:27,186
That was the plan, but then
a bunch of older kids showed up,
217
00:07:27,254 --> 00:07:28,987
so we figured they'd be fine.
218
00:07:29,506 --> 00:07:30,972
Bye, bitches!
219
00:07:31,074 --> 00:07:32,607
It's okay. I'm a girl.
220
00:07:32,709 --> 00:07:34,776
Okay, older kids, no adults.
221
00:07:34,878 --> 00:07:36,511
Okay, where are we on the panic scale?
222
00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,180
- Um...
- There you are.
223
00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:39,848
Thank you for saving me from a night
224
00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:43,218
of listening to Jay talk
about his Fudgy Buddy.
225
00:07:43,287 --> 00:07:46,621
Sorry. We just found out Lily
is at an unsupervised party.
226
00:07:46,623 --> 00:07:49,518
Oh, do you want me to check her Insta?
227
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,325
Lily... Lily has Insta?
228
00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:52,493
You have Insta?
229
00:07:52,562 --> 00:07:54,729
What, you think
I'm too old to have Insta?
230
00:07:54,797 --> 00:07:56,731
Okay, I-I want to hear all
about what you're going through,
231
00:07:56,799 --> 00:07:57,832
right after we figure out...
232
00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:59,767
- I found her!
- Okay.
233
00:07:59,836 --> 00:08:01,268
- And looks like she's having fun.
- Okay.
234
00:08:01,371 --> 00:08:02,803
Who is this cute boy next to her?
235
00:08:02,905 --> 00:08:04,238
Can you turn it ar...
236
00:08:04,340 --> 00:08:06,440
Okay, that's Garth. I...
I've never trusted him.
237
00:08:06,509 --> 00:08:08,309
I saw him buying
deodorant when he was 9.
238
00:08:08,511 --> 00:08:09,604
Is that a beer?
239
00:08:10,146 --> 00:08:11,579
Okay, I'm... Don't just stand there!
240
00:08:11,648 --> 00:08:13,314
- I'm going to call her!
- Call her!
241
00:08:13,782 --> 00:08:14,682
Ay.
242
00:08:14,684 --> 00:08:17,618
I didn't think it was
gonna be so cold tonight.
243
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:19,353
I'm sorry if I seem off.
244
00:08:19,421 --> 00:08:20,888
It's just that lately,
245
00:08:20,956 --> 00:08:23,390
people have been mistaking
me for a much older...
246
00:08:24,827 --> 00:08:26,727
Excuse me, ma'am. Are you lost?
247
00:08:26,795 --> 00:08:27,995
I can't find my friends.
248
00:08:28,097 --> 00:08:29,897
Let me help you.
249
00:08:29,965 --> 00:08:31,632
Oh, what a nice young man.
250
00:08:37,105 --> 00:08:38,738
Get off me!
251
00:08:38,807 --> 00:08:41,274
Perhaps this candy bar
represents your lost innocence?
252
00:08:41,376 --> 00:08:43,009
It represents delicious chocolate.
253
00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:44,578
You're sure you gave
this to a Spider-Man?
254
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:45,679
I'm sure.
255
00:08:45,681 --> 00:08:47,047
You know, it's also hard to ignore
256
00:08:47,149 --> 00:08:48,982
that this object you seek
has a phallic shape...
257
00:08:49,051 --> 00:08:51,551
Why did I talk you out
of that mime major?
258
00:08:51,653 --> 00:08:52,852
Spidey... 11:00.
259
00:08:52,954 --> 00:08:54,687
Spider-Man! Hold up!
260
00:08:54,789 --> 00:08:57,156
I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool.
261
00:08:57,225 --> 00:08:58,804
It's a totally different character.
262
00:08:58,894 --> 00:09:00,159
Look, before I realized
263
00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:01,894
it was a symbol of this man's mortality,
264
00:09:01,996 --> 00:09:03,729
I accidentally gave
you some candy bar...
265
00:09:03,798 --> 00:09:05,765
Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy.
266
00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:07,733
Look, you kids should know about this.
267
00:09:07,802 --> 00:09:09,835
There was a famous commercial
back in the '70s,
268
00:09:09,938 --> 00:09:12,504
first time on TV a girl
touched a baseball.
269
00:09:12,603 --> 00:09:14,536
It's got a red and
blue wrapper with a...
270
00:09:14,639 --> 00:09:15,738
Oh, yeah, I remember.
271
00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:16,972
It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom.
272
00:09:17,341 --> 00:09:18,774
She just left to go to that festival
273
00:09:18,842 --> 00:09:20,316
- in West Hollywood.
- Describe her.
274
00:09:20,344 --> 00:09:22,344
She's kind of shy, loves animals...
275
00:09:22,446 --> 00:09:23,745
No, her costume.
276
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,881
Oh. She's dressed as Martha Stewart.
277
00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:28,150
Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner.
278
00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:30,218
- Come with me. I need you.
- For emotional support?
279
00:09:30,321 --> 00:09:31,520
Carpool lane!
280
00:09:33,624 --> 00:09:35,290
I hope this doesn't sound
too mushy, but...
281
00:09:35,392 --> 00:09:37,459
I really love hooking up with you.
282
00:09:37,528 --> 00:09:40,128
Well, I hate to think I'm pulling
you away from some Halloween fun.
283
00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:43,298
You know, partying with your more...
youthful friends.
284
00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:45,199
Hush, silly Janice.
285
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,585
If I was interested in youthful things,
286
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,020
would I be here with you?
287
00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:53,537
Aww, babe. You have no idea
how much I've missed you.
288
00:09:53,572 --> 00:09:55,621
I think I have some idea.
289
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,646
Bill's been away fighting
a forest fire for weeks.
290
00:09:58,715 --> 00:10:00,681
He called me once to say he missed me,
291
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,917
so I sent him a pic of
me in a cute outfit.
292
00:10:02,986 --> 00:10:06,320
I expected "wow" or a fire emoji.
293
00:10:06,342 --> 00:10:08,475
Instead I got...
294
00:10:08,578 --> 00:10:10,144
"Send more boobs"?
295
00:10:10,246 --> 00:10:12,479
I'm not mad,
but I don't want to make it a habit
296
00:10:12,582 --> 00:10:14,315
of sending... nudes.
297
00:10:14,383 --> 00:10:16,317
Wait. You actually sent boob pics?
298
00:10:16,419 --> 00:10:18,919
Yeah. How much smoke did you inhale?
299
00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:20,310
This isn't my number, Alex.
300
00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:21,789
It's the one you called from.
301
00:10:21,891 --> 00:10:23,223
Because my phone died.
302
00:10:23,292 --> 00:10:24,958
So I borrowed Creepy Craig's.
303
00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:26,093
Wait.
304
00:10:26,162 --> 00:10:29,132
You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo?
305
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:30,264
Alex!
306
00:10:30,332 --> 00:10:32,900
Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?!
307
00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,668
Well, you...
308
00:10:34,837 --> 00:10:36,403
He kept asking!
309
00:10:36,471 --> 00:10:38,738
You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig?
310
00:10:38,841 --> 00:10:40,006
I don't know Creepy Craig!
311
00:10:40,108 --> 00:10:41,975
Well, he knows you!
312
00:10:42,077 --> 00:10:44,678
You really think I would
disrespect you like that?
313
00:10:44,746 --> 00:10:46,980
- What else did "I" ask for?
- Oh, don't.
314
00:10:47,082 --> 00:10:49,705
Oh, my God. Are you outside?
315
00:10:49,740 --> 00:10:50,851
You know, I've always worried
316
00:10:50,919 --> 00:10:52,485
that maybe we were just too different,
317
00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:55,720
but the fact that you think
I'm capable of writing
318
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:59,628
"Do butt now... Hit with magazine"?
319
00:10:59,894 --> 00:11:01,327
You know what?
320
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,162
This isn't working, Alex.
321
00:11:03,264 --> 00:11:04,363
No, wait!
322
00:11:04,365 --> 00:11:06,398
Can you at least ask
Craig to delete those?
323
00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,467
I think you know how to reach him!
324
00:11:08,536 --> 00:11:10,636
Trust me,
I've had enough Halloween mischief
325
00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,104
for one lifetime.
326
00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:13,298
I'm ready for this now.
327
00:11:13,374 --> 00:11:15,074
You are such a mature person.
328
00:11:15,143 --> 00:11:17,777
I can't even imagine
you as a wild child.
329
00:11:17,879 --> 00:11:18,888
Oh, yeah.
330
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,446
Five years ago, we hit this one house.
331
00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,181
The family was always
calling the cops on us
332
00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:23,382
for lighting off fireworks.
333
00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:24,517
- Mm.
- Standard stuff...
334
00:11:24,619 --> 00:11:26,452
TP, sugar in the gas tank...
335
00:11:26,554 --> 00:11:27,787
but then I noticed they had
336
00:11:27,889 --> 00:11:29,822
like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes.
337
00:11:29,891 --> 00:11:32,091
- Oh, my God.
- I know, so douchey.
338
00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:35,794
So we posed them having sex,
rang the doorbell,
339
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,230
and then when they opened the door,
we blew them up.
340
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,301
Are you not getting it?
341
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,836
It's kind of subtle, so...
342
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,704
That was my house.
343
00:11:45,756 --> 00:11:47,856
But... you live in a condo.
344
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,491
Now.
345
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,827
Years ago, my husband's father died
346
00:11:51,929 --> 00:11:54,830
and left us his antique
gnome collection.
347
00:11:54,898 --> 00:11:56,998
Marty wanted to keep them in the house.
348
00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,767
They soothed him, he said.
349
00:11:58,869 --> 00:12:04,240
'Cause the constant fireworks
were always triggering his PTSD.
350
00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:08,076
So, I insisted he put his
sole inheritance outside,
351
00:12:08,178 --> 00:12:11,346
where you blew them up.
352
00:12:11,448 --> 00:12:13,014
Life's funny.
353
00:12:13,116 --> 00:12:14,282
Yeah.
354
00:12:14,384 --> 00:12:15,450
Yeah, the next day,
355
00:12:15,552 --> 00:12:18,119
I was supposed to meet
him at couples therapy.
356
00:12:18,222 --> 00:12:20,188
But I didn't make it 'cause my car died.
357
00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:22,119
Sugar in the tank.
358
00:12:22,154 --> 00:12:23,925
So I missed the appointment.
359
00:12:24,027 --> 00:12:25,794
He went for a coffee,
360
00:12:25,896 --> 00:12:28,063
fell in love with the barista,
361
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,398
and now I am living in a condo,
362
00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,300
dating a friggin' child!
363
00:12:32,402 --> 00:12:33,735
Janice.
364
00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:36,104
This may be a bad time
to mention it, but...
365
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:37,806
I don't have enough money for the valet.
366
00:12:44,925 --> 00:12:48,102
Lily is still not answering.
Did you track her location?
367
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,235
Uh, yeah. It says
that she's at our house?
368
00:12:50,304 --> 00:12:51,937
Do you think she took that boy home?
369
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,739
Of course she did!
370
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,441
An empty house,
all those Anita Baker records.
371
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,876
It's the sexiest place in town.
372
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,111
We have to get home!
373
00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:01,113
Okay, it's gonna take us an
hour just to get out of here.
374
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,848
No, no, we can save ourselves 20 minutes
375
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,182
just by cutting through this maze.
376
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,216
No! No. I-I hate those things.
377
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:07,853
Mitchell, we basically
forced our daughter
378
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,988
into the arms of a hormonal teen.
379
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,189
And let's be honest,
380
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,458
was it because we wanted
more independence for her
381
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,294
or for us?
382
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,164
All right.
383
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,766
Now, try to have some backbone.
384
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,868
I'm... I'm... I'm right here.
385
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,295
Okay?
386
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,705
And just remember,
this is for our daughter.
387
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,675
Aah! Aah! Aah!
388
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,143
Ohh, Cam...
389
00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:36,350
I know it makes me seem shallow,
390
00:13:36,452 --> 00:13:39,353
but he had such a crazy body!
391
00:13:39,455 --> 00:13:41,003
How am I supposed to
go back to nerd butts?
392
00:13:41,057 --> 00:13:44,825
No matter what I'd need,
it'd be right there in her purse...
393
00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:48,161
Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins.
394
00:13:48,230 --> 00:13:49,863
Because sometimes I'm not angry.
395
00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:51,064
I'm just hungry.
396
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,433
You know what she's not
gonna find in that purse?
397
00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:54,735
Someone better than you.
398
00:13:54,837 --> 00:13:56,036
- Really?
- Yeah.
399
00:13:56,124 --> 00:13:57,791
You can do better than...
400
00:13:57,860 --> 00:13:59,926
I'm forgetting her name right now,
so Molly's mom.
401
00:13:59,995 --> 00:14:02,095
You know, I'm not just saying
it because you said it,
402
00:14:02,164 --> 00:14:04,764
but I never thought Bill
was good enough for you.
403
00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:06,266
Seriously?
404
00:14:06,335 --> 00:14:08,034
You deserve someone smart and curious.
405
00:14:08,773 --> 00:14:11,140
Be honest,
didn't you get sick of him saying
406
00:14:11,176 --> 00:14:14,210
"I bet I can jump over that"
every time he walked outside?
407
00:14:14,710 --> 00:14:15,878
Thanks, Luke.
408
00:14:15,947 --> 00:14:17,380
We don't need them, right?
409
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,416
In a couple weeks,
we won't remember either one of them.
410
00:14:21,786 --> 00:14:23,486
A fireman?
411
00:14:23,773 --> 00:14:25,133
A nun?
412
00:14:26,424 --> 00:14:29,091
Janice was into some really weird stuff.
413
00:14:32,863 --> 00:14:34,830
What about her?
Is that a Martha Stewart?
414
00:14:34,899 --> 00:14:36,398
I-I think that's Princess Di.
415
00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:38,067
Jay, you have to prepare yourself.
416
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,635
We may not find your candy bar.
417
00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:41,303
We've stopped four Martha Stewarts,
418
00:14:41,405 --> 00:14:43,872
two Dog the Bounty Hunters,
and the real Judith Light.
419
00:14:43,891 --> 00:14:45,157
How nice was she, by the way?
420
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,925
Yeah, class act. Keep looking.
421
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,261
Hey, that's Mom!
422
00:14:49,650 --> 00:14:51,283
- Mom!
- Manny!
423
00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:53,351
How many times have I told
you not to shout "Mom"
424
00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:54,953
when you're dressed like an old man?
425
00:14:55,022 --> 00:14:57,055
Including now? Once.
426
00:14:57,124 --> 00:14:58,657
I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you.
427
00:14:58,725 --> 00:15:01,393
I'm mad at Mitch and
Cam for leaving me here
428
00:15:01,461 --> 00:15:04,996
and the mean Boy Scout
that made me feel so old.
429
00:15:05,065 --> 00:15:06,464
Old?!
430
00:15:06,566 --> 00:15:08,199
Sweetie, you look delicious!
431
00:15:08,268 --> 00:15:09,600
- I do?
- Yes.
432
00:15:09,703 --> 00:15:11,436
You're dancing with us right now.
433
00:15:11,504 --> 00:15:12,537
Okay.
434
00:15:14,007 --> 00:15:15,673
Oh!
435
00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:17,475
Look what I found on the ground.
436
00:15:18,578 --> 00:15:19,677
We're too late.
437
00:15:20,107 --> 00:15:21,679
Sorry, Jay.
438
00:15:22,148 --> 00:15:23,447
Do you want to talk about it?
439
00:15:23,549 --> 00:15:26,417
No! I don't want
to seem like a sad sack.
440
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,553
Uh... excuse me.
441
00:15:30,790 --> 00:15:32,389
What is it about this candy?
442
00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:34,258
It just tasted like summer or something,
443
00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:35,336
I don't know.
444
00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:37,394
But out with the old, in with the new.
445
00:15:37,463 --> 00:15:39,730
Candy bars come and go.
446
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:42,184
No more record stores.
447
00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:44,401
6-year-old sons too grown up
448
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,200
to go trick-or-treating with their dads.
449
00:15:47,269 --> 00:15:48,869
No more beepers.
450
00:15:48,937 --> 00:15:51,438
Are you that bummed that Joe didn't
want to spend Halloween with you?
451
00:15:51,527 --> 00:15:53,526
No! It's just the beginning
of the whole thing, ya know?
452
00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,462
When you... When you break that seal...
453
00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:58,331
Look, I know Joe wanted to
be with his friends tonight,
454
00:15:58,433 --> 00:16:00,300
but he'll definitely want
to spend another Halloween
455
00:16:00,402 --> 00:16:02,268
- with his dad.
- How do you know that?
456
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:03,870
Kids have a way of coming back.
457
00:16:04,873 --> 00:16:08,693
Even if they have to...
make up a dumb reason to do it.
458
00:16:13,585 --> 00:16:14,850
Happy Halloween, kid.
459
00:16:16,599 --> 00:16:18,354
Wait, this is a delicate moment.
460
00:16:18,423 --> 00:16:20,523
We could scar her if we
don't handle it right.
461
00:16:20,545 --> 00:16:22,745
Ohhh! God, I know that's true.
462
00:16:23,144 --> 00:16:24,610
My first kiss was terrible.
463
00:16:24,678 --> 00:16:26,612
My mom walked in on me with this girl.
464
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,714
I can still hear my
mom scream to my dad,
465
00:16:28,783 --> 00:16:29,915
"I told you he wasn't!"
466
00:16:29,984 --> 00:16:31,957
- Well, mine was worse.
- It's not a competition.
467
00:16:31,986 --> 00:16:32,995
My dad found me in a barn
468
00:16:33,054 --> 00:16:34,853
open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy.
469
00:16:34,922 --> 00:16:35,931
And you win.
470
00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:38,123
Okay, so, gentle, but firm.
471
00:16:38,816 --> 00:16:39,925
- Okay?
- Yeah.
472
00:16:44,865 --> 00:16:47,299
Sweetie, is... is everything okay?
473
00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:49,501
It's nothing. Go away.
474
00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:51,503
Honey, did... did a boy pressure you
475
00:16:51,572 --> 00:16:53,605
to do something you didn't want to do?
476
00:16:53,707 --> 00:16:55,540
Ew! Gross! No.
477
00:16:55,642 --> 00:16:58,143
D-Did a girl pressure you
into doing something...
478
00:16:58,211 --> 00:16:59,878
Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child
479
00:16:59,947 --> 00:17:01,613
to take some of this off of me?!
480
00:17:01,682 --> 00:17:05,316
Honey... Honey, we...
we just want to help, okay?
481
00:17:05,385 --> 00:17:07,485
We're... We're afraid
that maybe we pushed you
482
00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:09,453
into going to that party
before you were ready.
483
00:17:09,522 --> 00:17:11,922
Look, I thought
this boy really liked me,
484
00:17:11,991 --> 00:17:14,225
but he was just using me
to get to my friend Kelly.
485
00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:16,160
- Kelly? Ew, she's gross!
- Yeah.
486
00:17:16,229 --> 00:17:17,795
No, she isn't. She's my friend.
487
00:17:17,864 --> 00:17:19,597
She's not you.
And anyone who would pick her over...
488
00:17:19,699 --> 00:17:22,099
Of course you'd say that. You're my dad.
489
00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:25,135
I'm sorry, there's nothing that
you could say that would help.
490
00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:26,169
Okay?
491
00:17:26,238 --> 00:17:28,238
You're not a girl, you're not 12.
492
00:17:28,307 --> 00:17:29,907
What would you know about liking a boy
493
00:17:29,975 --> 00:17:31,575
who doesn't like you back?
494
00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:32,976
Oh, honey...
495
00:17:33,078 --> 00:17:34,311
I'm gonna get us some ice cream.
496
00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:35,946
Okay, come here, come here.
497
00:17:36,048 --> 00:17:37,114
Okay.
498
00:17:37,482 --> 00:17:39,082
Honey, you can't be mad
499
00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,517
that I wasn't scared by that movie.
500
00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:41,651
It was a baby.
501
00:17:41,653 --> 00:17:43,219
It had three rows of teeth!
502
00:17:43,288 --> 00:17:44,287
Baby teeth!
503
00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:45,388
Look, it's not your fault.
504
00:17:45,457 --> 00:17:47,524
It's just that, next to you,
I feel like such a wuss.
505
00:17:47,592 --> 00:17:49,693
Just because you get a little bit
squirrelly in a movie doesn't make you...
506
00:17:49,795 --> 00:17:51,328
Wait, hang on.
Why are we crossing the street?
507
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:52,929
Our house is right down...
508
00:17:52,998 --> 00:17:55,065
Wait a minute, you're not afraid of
the little old lady's house, are you?
509
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,333
You don't know she's little!
510
00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:57,834
All we know is she sits up there
511
00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:58,968
plotting evil from her window.
512
00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:00,236
She's not there.
513
00:18:00,338 --> 00:18:01,437
She's always there!
514
00:18:01,439 --> 00:18:02,571
This stops now.
515
00:18:02,674 --> 00:18:04,707
We're gonna go knock on that door,
516
00:18:04,809 --> 00:18:05,875
introduce ourselves,
517
00:18:05,977 --> 00:18:08,678
and put an end to this nuttiness.
518
00:18:16,041 --> 00:18:17,178
Huh.
519
00:18:18,189 --> 00:18:20,156
- Well, that's weird timing.
- The, um...
520
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:21,691
The envelope Alex dropped off.
521
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,459
The... The old lady never picked it up.
522
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:25,460
What was that?
523
00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:26,712
Oh, God. Phil, what if she fell?
524
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:27,913
We should go check on her. Come on.
525
00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:29,181
Yeah, I guess so.
526
00:18:29,249 --> 00:18:30,549
I am, uh, right behind you.
527
00:18:30,618 --> 00:18:32,351
I'm just gonna go find a flashlight.
528
00:18:32,453 --> 00:18:33,620
Phil...
529
00:18:38,859 --> 00:18:40,692
Um...
530
00:18:40,794 --> 00:18:41,860
Hello?
531
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,380
Ms. Mann?
532
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,050
Hello?
533
00:18:54,991 --> 00:18:56,524
Ida Mae?
534
00:18:58,895 --> 00:18:59,994
Oh.
535
00:19:01,464 --> 00:19:02,563
Ida Mae?
536
00:19:08,471 --> 00:19:10,104
Ms. Mann?
537
00:19:15,512 --> 00:19:18,513
It was simplicity itself.
538
00:19:19,081 --> 00:19:21,682
A year ago,
Claire accused me for the millionth time
539
00:19:21,751 --> 00:19:24,351
that I couldn't scare her,
so I came up with a plan.
540
00:19:24,420 --> 00:19:26,353
I'd just sold a house
to a European couple
541
00:19:26,422 --> 00:19:28,255
that weren't gonna take
possession for a while,
542
00:19:28,357 --> 00:19:31,258
so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in.
543
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,459
I told you!
544
00:19:32,461 --> 00:19:34,491
She's always up there!
545
00:19:34,526 --> 00:19:37,431
Fortunately, the house was
right on Claire's jogging route,
546
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:40,534
so it was easy to introduce
Claire to Ida Mae,
547
00:19:40,602 --> 00:19:43,903
and when I wanted to amp it up,
548
00:19:44,035 --> 00:19:46,640
I had Ida Mae make contact.
549
00:19:49,978 --> 00:19:51,077
Hey!
550
00:19:51,079 --> 00:19:53,012
Then, this morning...
551
00:19:53,081 --> 00:19:54,681
I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire.
552
00:19:54,783 --> 00:19:56,249
I just did that so she'd accuse me
553
00:19:56,318 --> 00:19:57,650
of not being able to scare her.
554
00:19:57,752 --> 00:19:59,018
It's all about plausibility.
555
00:19:59,087 --> 00:20:00,587
Damn right, it is.
556
00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:01,788
Over the past year,
557
00:20:01,857 --> 00:20:03,923
Ida Mae joined the
neighborhood association,
558
00:20:03,992 --> 00:20:05,625
hung up a poster for her lost dog,
559
00:20:05,694 --> 00:20:07,026
signed up for Meals on Wheels.
560
00:20:07,128 --> 00:20:08,294
They're not bad, by the way.
561
00:20:08,396 --> 00:20:11,564
Also, she got a lot of knitting done.
562
00:20:13,735 --> 00:20:15,301
Oh, I'm sorry, Claire.
563
00:20:15,403 --> 00:20:16,512
Did I scare you?
564
00:20:17,505 --> 00:20:19,341
- You did this?
- Yep.
565
00:20:19,376 --> 00:20:19,839
How long have you planned this...
566
00:20:19,941 --> 00:20:21,807
11 months, two weeks,
and three days ago,
567
00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:23,122
I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann.
568
00:20:23,224 --> 00:20:25,291
Because I da main man.
569
00:20:25,393 --> 00:20:26,892
Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil.
570
00:20:26,994 --> 00:20:28,093
Sorry.
571
00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:30,096
I was having so much fun!
572
00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:31,764
- What?
- I was wondering what we were gonna do
573
00:20:31,866 --> 00:20:33,232
for the next 30 years of our lives
574
00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:34,533
without the kids in the house.
575
00:20:34,635 --> 00:20:35,868
And now I know...
576
00:20:35,970 --> 00:20:38,738
You're getting twisted, and I like it.
577
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:39,972
Game on.
578
00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:41,374
- Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
- Mm-hmm.
579
00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:42,775
"Game on"? What do you mean "game on"?
580
00:20:42,877 --> 00:20:44,310
It's... It's game over.
581
00:20:44,412 --> 00:20:45,582
Nope.
582
00:20:46,314 --> 00:20:47,947
Watch your back, buddy.
583
00:20:48,049 --> 00:20:50,015
This is gonna be so much fun.
584
00:20:51,085 --> 00:20:51,918
Can't we just travel?
585
00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:53,334
Where'd your mom go?
586
00:20:53,402 --> 00:20:55,635
We have a winner!
587
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,706
I really needed this today!
588
00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,645
Excuse me. Excuse me.
589
00:21:05,747 --> 00:21:07,547
Hey! That's my wife!
590
00:21:07,649 --> 00:21:10,483
Oh, sure, sweetheart.
Like you could get that.
591
00:21:10,585 --> 00:21:13,753
No, no, no! That is my husband!
592
00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,054
Does she know that...
593
00:21:15,156 --> 00:21:16,923
No, and we're never gonna tell her.
594
00:21:22,959 --> 00:21:25,035
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