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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,269 - Hi. - Hey. 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,370 I don't feel so good. 3 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,172 Aww, what's going on? 4 00:00:07,274 --> 00:00:08,407 Let's see. 5 00:00:08,822 --> 00:00:09,942 Ooh. You are kinda warm. 6 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,243 Maybe get rid of some of these blankets? 7 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,247 Aw, that is cute. 8 00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,416 You tried to scare me for Halloween. 9 00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:20,351 How in the world did that not frighten you? 10 00:00:20,420 --> 00:00:22,220 Some of this is my actual blood. 11 00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:23,988 I nicked myself putting it on! 12 00:00:24,057 --> 00:00:26,257 Sweetie, you don't know the first thing about scaring people. 13 00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:27,759 It's all about plausibility. 14 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,027 And you were awfully casual 15 00:00:29,129 --> 00:00:31,095 for a guy who just got an ax in the chest. 16 00:00:31,164 --> 00:00:32,597 You know, if you really wanted to scare me, 17 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:34,232 you should've waited until I opened the closet 18 00:00:34,334 --> 00:00:36,134 and found you hanging by a necktie. 19 00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:37,769 Excuse me! 20 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,404 I killed myself?! 21 00:00:39,472 --> 00:00:40,972 Yeah. Totally plausible. 22 00:00:41,074 --> 00:00:42,841 I mean, you've been so happy all these years, 23 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,166 the other shoe is bound to drop, right? 24 00:00:45,201 --> 00:00:48,079 By the way, I am not married to the whole necktie thing. 25 00:00:48,691 --> 00:00:50,057 It could be, um... 26 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:51,926 shotgun or poison 27 00:00:52,028 --> 00:00:53,260 or a power drill to the eye... 28 00:00:53,363 --> 00:00:54,528 Stop. Stop! 29 00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,230 Now you're scaring me. 30 00:00:56,332 --> 00:00:58,632 That's how you do it. 31 00:00:58,735 --> 00:00:59,867 Bam! 32 00:01:14,249 --> 00:01:15,449 Hey, happy Halloween! 33 00:01:15,551 --> 00:01:16,784 It was until your mother ruined it. 34 00:01:16,886 --> 00:01:17,918 Oh, he's just mad 35 00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:19,854 because he tried to scare me and he couldn't. 36 00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:21,021 I'm tough to scare. 37 00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:22,256 My girlfriend's pregnant. 38 00:01:22,358 --> 00:01:23,624 - No! - Phil. 39 00:01:23,726 --> 00:01:26,182 She's our age. If she was pregnant, it'd be on the news. 40 00:01:26,217 --> 00:01:27,695 - But good one. - Dad, I'm sorry. 41 00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:29,897 I don't have time to drop this off for you again. 42 00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:31,665 Ida Mae Mann? 43 00:01:31,768 --> 00:01:32,800 Aww! 44 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:34,068 Isn't that that lonely little lady 45 00:01:34,170 --> 00:01:35,469 that sits up in her window? 46 00:01:35,571 --> 00:01:36,580 He always makes me deliver 47 00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:37,938 his neighborhood association stuff 48 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,306 because he's afraid of her. 49 00:01:39,409 --> 00:01:40,474 That's crazy! 50 00:01:40,576 --> 00:01:42,309 I go by that house all the time. 51 00:01:45,248 --> 00:01:46,547 Not hot, Phil. 52 00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:50,050 Fine! She's creepy! 53 00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:52,119 She sits in that window like a store cat. 54 00:01:52,221 --> 00:01:53,387 Okay. 55 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:55,122 I'll drop it off on the way to dinner with Bill. 56 00:01:55,224 --> 00:01:56,624 He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00. 57 00:01:56,726 --> 00:01:59,593 Whoa. I'm going to Buon Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice. 58 00:01:59,695 --> 00:02:00,861 Ew! I don't want to watch you 59 00:02:00,963 --> 00:02:02,563 run your discount body-spray game on her. 60 00:02:02,665 --> 00:02:03,964 Change your reservation to later. 61 00:02:04,066 --> 00:02:05,132 I can't. 62 00:02:05,134 --> 00:02:06,300 She has to eat four hours before bed 63 00:02:06,402 --> 00:02:07,501 because of the reflux. 64 00:02:07,603 --> 00:02:09,170 - You change. - No! 65 00:02:09,272 --> 00:02:11,338 We're going out after to see "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," 66 00:02:11,441 --> 00:02:12,973 which I can't believe I agreed to. 67 00:02:13,075 --> 00:02:15,709 Ooh, that sounds like fun. I've never seen that movie. 68 00:02:15,812 --> 00:02:17,945 Can you believe that? Me, of all people. 69 00:02:18,047 --> 00:02:19,113 Uh, then we're going. 70 00:02:19,115 --> 00:02:20,948 You think you can't be scared anymore? 71 00:02:21,050 --> 00:02:23,284 That's the most terrifying movie I've ever seen. 72 00:02:23,386 --> 00:02:24,485 Great, bring it. 73 00:02:24,587 --> 00:02:26,487 I look forward to being scared. 74 00:02:26,589 --> 00:02:27,679 I'm pregnant? 75 00:02:28,291 --> 00:02:29,375 Phil! 76 00:02:33,629 --> 00:02:35,196 Oh! Did you get the costumes? 77 00:02:35,298 --> 00:02:37,131 Yeah, I... I didn't have a lot of time, 78 00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:38,999 so I had to steal something from work. 79 00:02:39,101 --> 00:02:40,434 Please don't... 80 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:41,769 judge. 81 00:02:41,871 --> 00:02:43,404 Okay, that's not a bad start. 82 00:02:43,506 --> 00:02:46,507 I think I can work with this, yes. 83 00:02:46,609 --> 00:02:48,209 Lily, my pins! 84 00:02:48,311 --> 00:02:50,244 We are so excited for Halloween. 85 00:02:50,346 --> 00:02:51,579 You know, for the first time in years, 86 00:02:51,681 --> 00:02:52,746 we're gonna get a little cray 87 00:02:52,849 --> 00:02:54,949 and go to the big gay Halloween carnival, 88 00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:57,351 like we used to when we were young and childless... 89 00:02:57,453 --> 00:02:59,053 And people still said "cray." 90 00:02:59,155 --> 00:03:01,989 We... We've always had Lily with us in the past, 91 00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:04,625 but we are on a crusade to make her more independent, 92 00:03:04,727 --> 00:03:07,895 so when she got an invite to a party, we sort of, uh... 93 00:03:07,997 --> 00:03:09,296 - RSVP'd for her. - Yeah. 94 00:03:09,812 --> 00:03:11,332 But you know what? It's gonna be good for her 95 00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:12,733 to socialize with people her age, 96 00:03:12,835 --> 00:03:14,702 and good for us to socialize with people 97 00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:15,869 - Half our age. - Half our age. 98 00:03:16,037 --> 00:03:17,037 Okay. 99 00:03:17,139 --> 00:03:18,739 Mitchell... 100 00:03:18,841 --> 00:03:20,007 Judge... 101 00:03:20,109 --> 00:03:21,108 Judy. 102 00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:22,142 Your talent... 103 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:24,044 It's like you were touched by a gay-ngel. 104 00:03:24,146 --> 00:03:25,646 And you said we would never wear 105 00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:27,848 the groomsmen shoes from Pepper's wedding again. 106 00:03:30,371 --> 00:03:32,086 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just a second, young lady. 107 00:03:32,188 --> 00:03:34,054 W-We're very happy you're going to this party tonight, 108 00:03:34,156 --> 00:03:37,091 but, uh, isn't this costume a little, uh, suggestive? 109 00:03:37,193 --> 00:03:39,326 This is my actual cheerleading outfit. 110 00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,295 You guys know I'm doing that, right? 111 00:03:41,397 --> 00:03:42,796 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. Totally. 112 00:03:42,899 --> 00:03:44,431 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Totally. 113 00:03:44,534 --> 00:03:46,133 We should have known that, right? 114 00:03:48,371 --> 00:03:49,603 Oh, Joe, you're home early? 115 00:03:49,705 --> 00:03:50,804 I got a surprise for... 116 00:03:50,907 --> 00:03:52,195 Oh. Manny. 117 00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,275 Look, I know you breastfed until you could stand, 118 00:03:54,377 --> 00:03:56,110 but aren't you a little old to be trick-or-treating? 119 00:03:56,212 --> 00:03:57,344 This isn't for Halloween. 120 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,480 I'm in final rehearsals for my one-man show 121 00:03:59,582 --> 00:04:02,082 "Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again." 122 00:04:02,184 --> 00:04:03,951 I've saved you four seats, but if you need more... 123 00:04:04,053 --> 00:04:05,152 No, four's good. 124 00:04:05,254 --> 00:04:06,353 So, what's the surprise? 125 00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:07,655 Well, it's kind of a Joe thing. 126 00:04:07,757 --> 00:04:09,757 You know, he's out trick-or-treating with his friends. 127 00:04:09,859 --> 00:04:11,492 I-I'll wait till he comes home to show it to him. 128 00:04:11,594 --> 00:04:14,194 Hmm, playing favorites with your sons, 129 00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:15,996 perhaps unconsciously repeating the cycle 130 00:04:16,098 --> 00:04:17,197 your own father perpetuated on... 131 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,033 You know, one ticket's gonna be good enough. 132 00:04:19,686 --> 00:04:21,969 Is it cold in here, or is it just me 133 00:04:22,071 --> 00:04:24,939 because I am the frozen lady from "Frozen"? 134 00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:27,074 Why aren't you wearing your costume? 135 00:04:27,176 --> 00:04:28,909 Let it go, Gloria. Let it go. 136 00:04:29,011 --> 00:04:31,378 But you said that since Joe was out with Devon's family 137 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,781 that we were going to do something fun together. 138 00:04:33,883 --> 00:04:35,649 Yes, fun. Have a Scotch, 139 00:04:35,751 --> 00:04:38,552 put that mutant spider costume on Stella... 140 00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:41,388 Fine, I'll go meet Mitch and Cam by myself. 141 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:42,890 But you're gonna miss Joe's reaction 142 00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:44,258 when I give him my big surprise! 143 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,026 It's just a candy bar! 144 00:04:46,996 --> 00:04:49,930 18 months ago, in an underreported news event, 145 00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:52,132 NagaSnacki Food Solutions 146 00:04:52,234 --> 00:04:55,269 discontinued the greatest candy bar of all time. 147 00:04:55,371 --> 00:04:56,837 The Fudgy Duddy. 148 00:04:56,939 --> 00:04:58,806 After an exhaustive search... 149 00:04:58,908 --> 00:05:00,274 One Googling. 150 00:05:00,376 --> 00:05:02,910 ...I tracked down this beauty. 151 00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:07,014 Now my son can experience the kind of quality confection 152 00:05:07,116 --> 00:05:08,616 our generation grew up with. 153 00:05:08,718 --> 00:05:09,917 "Our"? 154 00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:12,786 I am a Gen X. Don't make me a Boomer. 155 00:05:13,553 --> 00:05:16,123 Something horrible happened to me last weekend. 156 00:05:16,225 --> 00:05:18,392 I'll just have the... 157 00:05:18,494 --> 00:05:19,526 seafood salad. 158 00:05:19,629 --> 00:05:21,128 Very good. And for your husband? 159 00:05:22,231 --> 00:05:23,931 Oh, no, no. He's my husband. 160 00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:25,933 That's what he said. 161 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:28,335 The day I have dreaded finally came... 162 00:05:28,437 --> 00:05:32,106 People assume that I am Jay's... 163 00:05:32,208 --> 00:05:33,641 wife. 164 00:05:33,743 --> 00:05:35,109 You kids have fun! 165 00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:36,977 Manny. What are you doing? 166 00:05:37,079 --> 00:05:38,345 Saving your house from being egged. 167 00:05:38,447 --> 00:05:39,546 You're all out of treats. 168 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:41,115 Luckily I found a candy bar to give away. 169 00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:42,282 Oh, no. 170 00:05:42,385 --> 00:05:43,817 My Fudgy Duddy's gone! 171 00:05:43,919 --> 00:05:45,119 Nobody move! 172 00:05:46,103 --> 00:05:50,212 Hello there. Uh, two for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." 173 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,445 Sorry, that sold out weeks ago. 174 00:05:52,638 --> 00:05:56,040 Which should've been updated on our website, Bernard! 175 00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,377 But we still have seats 176 00:05:58,378 --> 00:06:00,328 for that super scary Japanese film. 177 00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:01,879 - Yes! - Uh, pause. 178 00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:03,948 How scary? How Japanese? 179 00:06:04,016 --> 00:06:06,584 I think the literal translation is 180 00:06:06,652 --> 00:06:08,753 "Make Dead with Old-Face Baby." 181 00:06:08,821 --> 00:06:10,121 - Two, please. - No, um... 182 00:06:10,189 --> 00:06:12,089 Come on, honey, you promised me a good scare. 183 00:06:12,158 --> 00:06:13,257 This'll be fun! 184 00:06:13,259 --> 00:06:14,558 - Okay. - Okay. 185 00:06:15,145 --> 00:06:16,394 No! 186 00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:19,797 How you doing? 187 00:06:19,865 --> 00:06:21,432 Great. I'm so scared. 188 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,566 Aah. 189 00:06:22,635 --> 00:06:24,134 Don't patronize me. 190 00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:26,136 You don't think I can tell when you're faking it? 191 00:06:26,205 --> 00:06:29,205 "Oh, Phil, mmm. It's so good." 192 00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:31,074 I know you hated my gumbo. 193 00:06:32,444 --> 00:06:34,144 Uh, excuse me. 194 00:06:34,213 --> 00:06:36,947 Hey. Uh, I'm having a hard time in there. 195 00:06:37,015 --> 00:06:38,982 I... I came to see a movie I'd already seen. 196 00:06:39,051 --> 00:06:41,084 Knew where all the jump scares were. 197 00:06:41,153 --> 00:06:43,887 Could you tell me where the big ones are for this one? 198 00:06:43,956 --> 00:06:45,828 Sorry, dude. Haven't seen it. 199 00:06:46,601 --> 00:06:48,558 - I have. - Ohhhh! God. 200 00:06:51,659 --> 00:06:52,925 It's okay. 201 00:06:53,027 --> 00:06:54,660 He's behind the door. 202 00:06:54,763 --> 00:06:56,095 He's behind the door. 203 00:06:56,364 --> 00:06:58,297 He's behind the... Aah! 204 00:07:01,462 --> 00:07:03,128 Something is wrong with you! 205 00:07:04,332 --> 00:07:06,932 Wow. This place has changed. 206 00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:08,801 It used to be so much... 207 00:07:08,903 --> 00:07:10,002 gayer. 208 00:07:10,104 --> 00:07:12,071 Straight people always take our best stuff. 209 00:07:12,139 --> 00:07:14,306 First, they came for our brunches, and I said nothing. 210 00:07:14,375 --> 00:07:16,342 Oh, hey... hey, Norm! Hey, Denise! 211 00:07:16,410 --> 00:07:17,976 Hey, girlfriends! 212 00:07:18,079 --> 00:07:19,812 I... don't think we can say that. 213 00:07:19,914 --> 00:07:20,946 You can't. Yeah. 214 00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:23,015 Wait. I-I-Isn't Lily at a party at your house? 215 00:07:23,117 --> 00:07:25,117 - Yeah. - That you're chaperoning? 216 00:07:25,186 --> 00:07:27,186 That was the plan, but then a bunch of older kids showed up, 217 00:07:27,254 --> 00:07:28,987 so we figured they'd be fine. 218 00:07:29,506 --> 00:07:30,972 Bye, bitches! 219 00:07:31,074 --> 00:07:32,607 It's okay. I'm a girl. 220 00:07:32,709 --> 00:07:34,776 Okay, older kids, no adults. 221 00:07:34,878 --> 00:07:36,511 Okay, where are we on the panic scale? 222 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,180 - Um... - There you are. 223 00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:39,848 Thank you for saving me from a night 224 00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:43,218 of listening to Jay talk about his Fudgy Buddy. 225 00:07:43,287 --> 00:07:46,621 Sorry. We just found out Lily is at an unsupervised party. 226 00:07:46,623 --> 00:07:49,518 Oh, do you want me to check her Insta? 227 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,325 Lily... Lily has Insta? 228 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:52,493 You have Insta? 229 00:07:52,562 --> 00:07:54,729 What, you think I'm too old to have Insta? 230 00:07:54,797 --> 00:07:56,731 Okay, I-I want to hear all about what you're going through, 231 00:07:56,799 --> 00:07:57,832 right after we figure out... 232 00:07:57,900 --> 00:07:59,767 - I found her! - Okay. 233 00:07:59,836 --> 00:08:01,268 - And looks like she's having fun. - Okay. 234 00:08:01,371 --> 00:08:02,803 Who is this cute boy next to her? 235 00:08:02,905 --> 00:08:04,238 Can you turn it ar... 236 00:08:04,340 --> 00:08:06,440 Okay, that's Garth. I... I've never trusted him. 237 00:08:06,509 --> 00:08:08,309 I saw him buying deodorant when he was 9. 238 00:08:08,511 --> 00:08:09,604 Is that a beer? 239 00:08:10,146 --> 00:08:11,579 Okay, I'm... Don't just stand there! 240 00:08:11,648 --> 00:08:13,314 - I'm going to call her! - Call her! 241 00:08:13,782 --> 00:08:14,682 Ay. 242 00:08:14,684 --> 00:08:17,618 I didn't think it was gonna be so cold tonight. 243 00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:19,353 I'm sorry if I seem off. 244 00:08:19,421 --> 00:08:20,888 It's just that lately, 245 00:08:20,956 --> 00:08:23,390 people have been mistaking me for a much older... 246 00:08:24,827 --> 00:08:26,727 Excuse me, ma'am. Are you lost? 247 00:08:26,795 --> 00:08:27,995 I can't find my friends. 248 00:08:28,097 --> 00:08:29,897 Let me help you. 249 00:08:29,965 --> 00:08:31,632 Oh, what a nice young man. 250 00:08:37,105 --> 00:08:38,738 Get off me! 251 00:08:38,807 --> 00:08:41,274 Perhaps this candy bar represents your lost innocence? 252 00:08:41,376 --> 00:08:43,009 It represents delicious chocolate. 253 00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:44,578 You're sure you gave this to a Spider-Man? 254 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:45,679 I'm sure. 255 00:08:45,681 --> 00:08:47,047 You know, it's also hard to ignore 256 00:08:47,149 --> 00:08:48,982 that this object you seek has a phallic shape... 257 00:08:49,051 --> 00:08:51,551 Why did I talk you out of that mime major? 258 00:08:51,653 --> 00:08:52,852 Spidey... 11:00. 259 00:08:52,954 --> 00:08:54,687 Spider-Man! Hold up! 260 00:08:54,789 --> 00:08:57,156 I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool. 261 00:08:57,225 --> 00:08:58,804 It's a totally different character. 262 00:08:58,894 --> 00:09:00,159 Look, before I realized 263 00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:01,894 it was a symbol of this man's mortality, 264 00:09:01,996 --> 00:09:03,729 I accidentally gave you some candy bar... 265 00:09:03,798 --> 00:09:05,765 Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy. 266 00:09:05,867 --> 00:09:07,733 Look, you kids should know about this. 267 00:09:07,802 --> 00:09:09,835 There was a famous commercial back in the '70s, 268 00:09:09,938 --> 00:09:12,504 first time on TV a girl touched a baseball. 269 00:09:12,603 --> 00:09:14,536 It's got a red and blue wrapper with a... 270 00:09:14,639 --> 00:09:15,738 Oh, yeah, I remember. 271 00:09:15,740 --> 00:09:16,972 It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom. 272 00:09:17,341 --> 00:09:18,774 She just left to go to that festival 273 00:09:18,842 --> 00:09:20,316 - in West Hollywood. - Describe her. 274 00:09:20,344 --> 00:09:22,344 She's kind of shy, loves animals... 275 00:09:22,446 --> 00:09:23,745 No, her costume. 276 00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,881 Oh. She's dressed as Martha Stewart. 277 00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:28,150 Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner. 278 00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:30,218 - Come with me. I need you. - For emotional support? 279 00:09:30,321 --> 00:09:31,520 Carpool lane! 280 00:09:33,624 --> 00:09:35,290 I hope this doesn't sound too mushy, but... 281 00:09:35,392 --> 00:09:37,459 I really love hooking up with you. 282 00:09:37,528 --> 00:09:40,128 Well, I hate to think I'm pulling you away from some Halloween fun. 283 00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:43,298 You know, partying with your more... youthful friends. 284 00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:45,199 Hush, silly Janice. 285 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,585 If I was interested in youthful things, 286 00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,020 would I be here with you? 287 00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:53,537 Aww, babe. You have no idea how much I've missed you. 288 00:09:53,572 --> 00:09:55,621 I think I have some idea. 289 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,646 Bill's been away fighting a forest fire for weeks. 290 00:09:58,715 --> 00:10:00,681 He called me once to say he missed me, 291 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,917 so I sent him a pic of me in a cute outfit. 292 00:10:02,986 --> 00:10:06,320 I expected "wow" or a fire emoji. 293 00:10:06,342 --> 00:10:08,475 Instead I got... 294 00:10:08,578 --> 00:10:10,144 "Send more boobs"? 295 00:10:10,246 --> 00:10:12,479 I'm not mad, but I don't want to make it a habit 296 00:10:12,582 --> 00:10:14,315 of sending... nudes. 297 00:10:14,383 --> 00:10:16,317 Wait. You actually sent boob pics? 298 00:10:16,419 --> 00:10:18,919 Yeah. How much smoke did you inhale? 299 00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:20,310 This isn't my number, Alex. 300 00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:21,789 It's the one you called from. 301 00:10:21,891 --> 00:10:23,223 Because my phone died. 302 00:10:23,292 --> 00:10:24,958 So I borrowed Creepy Craig's. 303 00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:26,093 Wait. 304 00:10:26,162 --> 00:10:29,132 You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo? 305 00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:30,264 Alex! 306 00:10:30,332 --> 00:10:32,900 Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?! 307 00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:34,668 Well, you... 308 00:10:34,837 --> 00:10:36,403 He kept asking! 309 00:10:36,471 --> 00:10:38,738 You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig? 310 00:10:38,841 --> 00:10:40,006 I don't know Creepy Craig! 311 00:10:40,108 --> 00:10:41,975 Well, he knows you! 312 00:10:42,077 --> 00:10:44,678 You really think I would disrespect you like that? 313 00:10:44,746 --> 00:10:46,980 - What else did "I" ask for? - Oh, don't. 314 00:10:47,082 --> 00:10:49,705 Oh, my God. Are you outside? 315 00:10:49,740 --> 00:10:50,851 You know, I've always worried 316 00:10:50,919 --> 00:10:52,485 that maybe we were just too different, 317 00:10:52,554 --> 00:10:55,720 but the fact that you think I'm capable of writing 318 00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:59,628 "Do butt now... Hit with magazine"? 319 00:10:59,894 --> 00:11:01,327 You know what? 320 00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:03,162 This isn't working, Alex. 321 00:11:03,264 --> 00:11:04,363 No, wait! 322 00:11:04,365 --> 00:11:06,398 Can you at least ask Craig to delete those? 323 00:11:06,501 --> 00:11:08,467 I think you know how to reach him! 324 00:11:08,536 --> 00:11:10,636 Trust me, I've had enough Halloween mischief 325 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,104 for one lifetime. 326 00:11:12,206 --> 00:11:13,298 I'm ready for this now. 327 00:11:13,374 --> 00:11:15,074 You are such a mature person. 328 00:11:15,143 --> 00:11:17,777 I can't even imagine you as a wild child. 329 00:11:17,879 --> 00:11:18,888 Oh, yeah. 330 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,446 Five years ago, we hit this one house. 331 00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,181 The family was always calling the cops on us 332 00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:23,382 for lighting off fireworks. 333 00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:24,517 - Mm. - Standard stuff... 334 00:11:24,619 --> 00:11:26,452 TP, sugar in the gas tank... 335 00:11:26,554 --> 00:11:27,787 but then I noticed they had 336 00:11:27,889 --> 00:11:29,822 like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes. 337 00:11:29,891 --> 00:11:32,091 - Oh, my God. - I know, so douchey. 338 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:35,794 So we posed them having sex, rang the doorbell, 339 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,230 and then when they opened the door, we blew them up. 340 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,301 Are you not getting it? 341 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,836 It's kind of subtle, so... 342 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,704 That was my house. 343 00:11:45,756 --> 00:11:47,856 But... you live in a condo. 344 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,491 Now. 345 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,827 Years ago, my husband's father died 346 00:11:51,929 --> 00:11:54,830 and left us his antique gnome collection. 347 00:11:54,898 --> 00:11:56,998 Marty wanted to keep them in the house. 348 00:11:57,067 --> 00:11:58,767 They soothed him, he said. 349 00:11:58,869 --> 00:12:04,240 'Cause the constant fireworks were always triggering his PTSD. 350 00:12:04,275 --> 00:12:08,076 So, I insisted he put his sole inheritance outside, 351 00:12:08,178 --> 00:12:11,346 where you blew them up. 352 00:12:11,448 --> 00:12:13,014 Life's funny. 353 00:12:13,116 --> 00:12:14,282 Yeah. 354 00:12:14,384 --> 00:12:15,450 Yeah, the next day, 355 00:12:15,552 --> 00:12:18,119 I was supposed to meet him at couples therapy. 356 00:12:18,222 --> 00:12:20,188 But I didn't make it 'cause my car died. 357 00:12:20,290 --> 00:12:22,119 Sugar in the tank. 358 00:12:22,154 --> 00:12:23,925 So I missed the appointment. 359 00:12:24,027 --> 00:12:25,794 He went for a coffee, 360 00:12:25,896 --> 00:12:28,063 fell in love with the barista, 361 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,398 and now I am living in a condo, 362 00:12:30,501 --> 00:12:32,300 dating a friggin' child! 363 00:12:32,402 --> 00:12:33,735 Janice. 364 00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:36,104 This may be a bad time to mention it, but... 365 00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:37,806 I don't have enough money for the valet. 366 00:12:44,925 --> 00:12:48,102 Lily is still not answering. Did you track her location? 367 00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,235 Uh, yeah. It says that she's at our house? 368 00:12:50,304 --> 00:12:51,937 Do you think she took that boy home? 369 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,739 Of course she did! 370 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,441 An empty house, all those Anita Baker records. 371 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,876 It's the sexiest place in town. 372 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,111 We have to get home! 373 00:12:59,213 --> 00:13:01,113 Okay, it's gonna take us an hour just to get out of here. 374 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,848 No, no, we can save ourselves 20 minutes 375 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,182 just by cutting through this maze. 376 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,216 No! No. I-I hate those things. 377 00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:07,853 Mitchell, we basically forced our daughter 378 00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,988 into the arms of a hormonal teen. 379 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,189 And let's be honest, 380 00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,458 was it because we wanted more independence for her 381 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,294 or for us? 382 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,164 All right. 383 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,766 Now, try to have some backbone. 384 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,868 I'm... I'm... I'm right here. 385 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,295 Okay? 386 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,705 And just remember, this is for our daughter. 387 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,675 Aah! Aah! Aah! 388 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,143 Ohh, Cam... 389 00:13:34,750 --> 00:13:36,350 I know it makes me seem shallow, 390 00:13:36,452 --> 00:13:39,353 but he had such a crazy body! 391 00:13:39,455 --> 00:13:41,003 How am I supposed to go back to nerd butts? 392 00:13:41,057 --> 00:13:44,825 No matter what I'd need, it'd be right there in her purse... 393 00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:48,161 Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins. 394 00:13:48,230 --> 00:13:49,863 Because sometimes I'm not angry. 395 00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:51,064 I'm just hungry. 396 00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,433 You know what she's not gonna find in that purse? 397 00:13:53,502 --> 00:13:54,735 Someone better than you. 398 00:13:54,837 --> 00:13:56,036 - Really? - Yeah. 399 00:13:56,124 --> 00:13:57,791 You can do better than... 400 00:13:57,860 --> 00:13:59,926 I'm forgetting her name right now, so Molly's mom. 401 00:13:59,995 --> 00:14:02,095 You know, I'm not just saying it because you said it, 402 00:14:02,164 --> 00:14:04,764 but I never thought Bill was good enough for you. 403 00:14:04,867 --> 00:14:06,266 Seriously? 404 00:14:06,335 --> 00:14:08,034 You deserve someone smart and curious. 405 00:14:08,773 --> 00:14:11,140 Be honest, didn't you get sick of him saying 406 00:14:11,176 --> 00:14:14,210 "I bet I can jump over that" every time he walked outside? 407 00:14:14,710 --> 00:14:15,878 Thanks, Luke. 408 00:14:15,947 --> 00:14:17,380 We don't need them, right? 409 00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,416 In a couple weeks, we won't remember either one of them. 410 00:14:21,786 --> 00:14:23,486 A fireman? 411 00:14:23,773 --> 00:14:25,133 A nun? 412 00:14:26,424 --> 00:14:29,091 Janice was into some really weird stuff. 413 00:14:32,863 --> 00:14:34,830 What about her? Is that a Martha Stewart? 414 00:14:34,899 --> 00:14:36,398 I-I think that's Princess Di. 415 00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:38,067 Jay, you have to prepare yourself. 416 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,635 We may not find your candy bar. 417 00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:41,303 We've stopped four Martha Stewarts, 418 00:14:41,405 --> 00:14:43,872 two Dog the Bounty Hunters, and the real Judith Light. 419 00:14:43,891 --> 00:14:45,157 How nice was she, by the way? 420 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,925 Yeah, class act. Keep looking. 421 00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,261 Hey, that's Mom! 422 00:14:49,650 --> 00:14:51,283 - Mom! - Manny! 423 00:14:51,385 --> 00:14:53,351 How many times have I told you not to shout "Mom" 424 00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:54,953 when you're dressed like an old man? 425 00:14:55,022 --> 00:14:57,055 Including now? Once. 426 00:14:57,124 --> 00:14:58,657 I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. 427 00:14:58,725 --> 00:15:01,393 I'm mad at Mitch and Cam for leaving me here 428 00:15:01,461 --> 00:15:04,996 and the mean Boy Scout that made me feel so old. 429 00:15:05,065 --> 00:15:06,464 Old?! 430 00:15:06,566 --> 00:15:08,199 Sweetie, you look delicious! 431 00:15:08,268 --> 00:15:09,600 - I do? - Yes. 432 00:15:09,703 --> 00:15:11,436 You're dancing with us right now. 433 00:15:11,504 --> 00:15:12,537 Okay. 434 00:15:14,007 --> 00:15:15,673 Oh! 435 00:15:15,775 --> 00:15:17,475 Look what I found on the ground. 436 00:15:18,578 --> 00:15:19,677 We're too late. 437 00:15:20,107 --> 00:15:21,679 Sorry, Jay. 438 00:15:22,148 --> 00:15:23,447 Do you want to talk about it? 439 00:15:23,549 --> 00:15:26,417 No! I don't want to seem like a sad sack. 440 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,553 Uh... excuse me. 441 00:15:30,790 --> 00:15:32,389 What is it about this candy? 442 00:15:32,458 --> 00:15:34,258 It just tasted like summer or something, 443 00:15:34,327 --> 00:15:35,336 I don't know. 444 00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:37,394 But out with the old, in with the new. 445 00:15:37,463 --> 00:15:39,730 Candy bars come and go. 446 00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:42,184 No more record stores. 447 00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:44,401 6-year-old sons too grown up 448 00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,200 to go trick-or-treating with their dads. 449 00:15:47,269 --> 00:15:48,869 No more beepers. 450 00:15:48,937 --> 00:15:51,438 Are you that bummed that Joe didn't want to spend Halloween with you? 451 00:15:51,527 --> 00:15:53,526 No! It's just the beginning of the whole thing, ya know? 452 00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,462 When you... When you break that seal... 453 00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:58,331 Look, I know Joe wanted to be with his friends tonight, 454 00:15:58,433 --> 00:16:00,300 but he'll definitely want to spend another Halloween 455 00:16:00,402 --> 00:16:02,268 - with his dad. - How do you know that? 456 00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:03,870 Kids have a way of coming back. 457 00:16:04,873 --> 00:16:08,693 Even if they have to... make up a dumb reason to do it. 458 00:16:13,585 --> 00:16:14,850 Happy Halloween, kid. 459 00:16:16,599 --> 00:16:18,354 Wait, this is a delicate moment. 460 00:16:18,423 --> 00:16:20,523 We could scar her if we don't handle it right. 461 00:16:20,545 --> 00:16:22,745 Ohhh! God, I know that's true. 462 00:16:23,144 --> 00:16:24,610 My first kiss was terrible. 463 00:16:24,678 --> 00:16:26,612 My mom walked in on me with this girl. 464 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,714 I can still hear my mom scream to my dad, 465 00:16:28,783 --> 00:16:29,915 "I told you he wasn't!" 466 00:16:29,984 --> 00:16:31,957 - Well, mine was worse. - It's not a competition. 467 00:16:31,986 --> 00:16:32,995 My dad found me in a barn 468 00:16:33,054 --> 00:16:34,853 open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy. 469 00:16:34,922 --> 00:16:35,931 And you win. 470 00:16:35,990 --> 00:16:38,123 Okay, so, gentle, but firm. 471 00:16:38,816 --> 00:16:39,925 - Okay? - Yeah. 472 00:16:44,865 --> 00:16:47,299 Sweetie, is... is everything okay? 473 00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:49,501 It's nothing. Go away. 474 00:16:49,570 --> 00:16:51,503 Honey, did... did a boy pressure you 475 00:16:51,572 --> 00:16:53,605 to do something you didn't want to do? 476 00:16:53,707 --> 00:16:55,540 Ew! Gross! No. 477 00:16:55,642 --> 00:16:58,143 D-Did a girl pressure you into doing something... 478 00:16:58,211 --> 00:16:59,878 Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child 479 00:16:59,947 --> 00:17:01,613 to take some of this off of me?! 480 00:17:01,682 --> 00:17:05,316 Honey... Honey, we... we just want to help, okay? 481 00:17:05,385 --> 00:17:07,485 We're... We're afraid that maybe we pushed you 482 00:17:07,553 --> 00:17:09,453 into going to that party before you were ready. 483 00:17:09,522 --> 00:17:11,922 Look, I thought this boy really liked me, 484 00:17:11,991 --> 00:17:14,225 but he was just using me to get to my friend Kelly. 485 00:17:14,293 --> 00:17:16,160 - Kelly? Ew, she's gross! - Yeah. 486 00:17:16,229 --> 00:17:17,795 No, she isn't. She's my friend. 487 00:17:17,864 --> 00:17:19,597 She's not you. And anyone who would pick her over... 488 00:17:19,699 --> 00:17:22,099 Of course you'd say that. You're my dad. 489 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:25,135 I'm sorry, there's nothing that you could say that would help. 490 00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:26,169 Okay? 491 00:17:26,238 --> 00:17:28,238 You're not a girl, you're not 12. 492 00:17:28,307 --> 00:17:29,907 What would you know about liking a boy 493 00:17:29,975 --> 00:17:31,575 who doesn't like you back? 494 00:17:31,677 --> 00:17:32,976 Oh, honey... 495 00:17:33,078 --> 00:17:34,311 I'm gonna get us some ice cream. 496 00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:35,946 Okay, come here, come here. 497 00:17:36,048 --> 00:17:37,114 Okay. 498 00:17:37,482 --> 00:17:39,082 Honey, you can't be mad 499 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,517 that I wasn't scared by that movie. 500 00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:41,651 It was a baby. 501 00:17:41,653 --> 00:17:43,219 It had three rows of teeth! 502 00:17:43,288 --> 00:17:44,287 Baby teeth! 503 00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:45,388 Look, it's not your fault. 504 00:17:45,457 --> 00:17:47,524 It's just that, next to you, I feel like such a wuss. 505 00:17:47,592 --> 00:17:49,693 Just because you get a little bit squirrelly in a movie doesn't make you... 506 00:17:49,795 --> 00:17:51,328 Wait, hang on. Why are we crossing the street? 507 00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:52,929 Our house is right down... 508 00:17:52,998 --> 00:17:55,065 Wait a minute, you're not afraid of the little old lady's house, are you? 509 00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,333 You don't know she's little! 510 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:57,834 All we know is she sits up there 511 00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:58,968 plotting evil from her window. 512 00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:00,236 She's not there. 513 00:18:00,338 --> 00:18:01,437 She's always there! 514 00:18:01,439 --> 00:18:02,571 This stops now. 515 00:18:02,674 --> 00:18:04,707 We're gonna go knock on that door, 516 00:18:04,809 --> 00:18:05,875 introduce ourselves, 517 00:18:05,977 --> 00:18:08,678 and put an end to this nuttiness. 518 00:18:16,041 --> 00:18:17,178 Huh. 519 00:18:18,189 --> 00:18:20,156 - Well, that's weird timing. - The, um... 520 00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:21,691 The envelope Alex dropped off. 521 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,459 The... The old lady never picked it up. 522 00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:25,460 What was that? 523 00:18:25,512 --> 00:18:26,712 Oh, God. Phil, what if she fell? 524 00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:27,913 We should go check on her. Come on. 525 00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:29,181 Yeah, I guess so. 526 00:18:29,249 --> 00:18:30,549 I am, uh, right behind you. 527 00:18:30,618 --> 00:18:32,351 I'm just gonna go find a flashlight. 528 00:18:32,453 --> 00:18:33,620 Phil... 529 00:18:38,859 --> 00:18:40,692 Um... 530 00:18:40,794 --> 00:18:41,860 Hello? 531 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:45,380 Ms. Mann? 532 00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,050 Hello? 533 00:18:54,991 --> 00:18:56,524 Ida Mae? 534 00:18:58,895 --> 00:18:59,994 Oh. 535 00:19:01,464 --> 00:19:02,563 Ida Mae? 536 00:19:08,471 --> 00:19:10,104 Ms. Mann? 537 00:19:15,512 --> 00:19:18,513 It was simplicity itself. 538 00:19:19,081 --> 00:19:21,682 A year ago, Claire accused me for the millionth time 539 00:19:21,751 --> 00:19:24,351 that I couldn't scare her, so I came up with a plan. 540 00:19:24,420 --> 00:19:26,353 I'd just sold a house to a European couple 541 00:19:26,422 --> 00:19:28,255 that weren't gonna take possession for a while, 542 00:19:28,357 --> 00:19:31,258 so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in. 543 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,459 I told you! 544 00:19:32,461 --> 00:19:34,491 She's always up there! 545 00:19:34,526 --> 00:19:37,431 Fortunately, the house was right on Claire's jogging route, 546 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:40,534 so it was easy to introduce Claire to Ida Mae, 547 00:19:40,602 --> 00:19:43,903 and when I wanted to amp it up, 548 00:19:44,035 --> 00:19:46,640 I had Ida Mae make contact. 549 00:19:49,978 --> 00:19:51,077 Hey! 550 00:19:51,079 --> 00:19:53,012 Then, this morning... 551 00:19:53,081 --> 00:19:54,681 I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire. 552 00:19:54,783 --> 00:19:56,249 I just did that so she'd accuse me 553 00:19:56,318 --> 00:19:57,650 of not being able to scare her. 554 00:19:57,752 --> 00:19:59,018 It's all about plausibility. 555 00:19:59,087 --> 00:20:00,587 Damn right, it is. 556 00:20:00,689 --> 00:20:01,788 Over the past year, 557 00:20:01,857 --> 00:20:03,923 Ida Mae joined the neighborhood association, 558 00:20:03,992 --> 00:20:05,625 hung up a poster for her lost dog, 559 00:20:05,694 --> 00:20:07,026 signed up for Meals on Wheels. 560 00:20:07,128 --> 00:20:08,294 They're not bad, by the way. 561 00:20:08,396 --> 00:20:11,564 Also, she got a lot of knitting done. 562 00:20:13,735 --> 00:20:15,301 Oh, I'm sorry, Claire. 563 00:20:15,403 --> 00:20:16,512 Did I scare you? 564 00:20:17,505 --> 00:20:19,341 - You did this? - Yep. 565 00:20:19,376 --> 00:20:19,839 How long have you planned this... 566 00:20:19,941 --> 00:20:21,807 11 months, two weeks, and three days ago, 567 00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:23,122 I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann. 568 00:20:23,224 --> 00:20:25,291 Because I da main man. 569 00:20:25,393 --> 00:20:26,892 Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil. 570 00:20:26,994 --> 00:20:28,093 Sorry. 571 00:20:28,096 --> 00:20:30,096 I was having so much fun! 572 00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:31,764 - What? - I was wondering what we were gonna do 573 00:20:31,866 --> 00:20:33,232 for the next 30 years of our lives 574 00:20:33,334 --> 00:20:34,533 without the kids in the house. 575 00:20:34,635 --> 00:20:35,868 And now I know... 576 00:20:35,970 --> 00:20:38,738 You're getting twisted, and I like it. 577 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:39,972 Game on. 578 00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:41,374 - Unh-unh. Unh-unh. - Mm-hmm. 579 00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:42,775 "Game on"? What do you mean "game on"? 580 00:20:42,877 --> 00:20:44,310 It's... It's game over. 581 00:20:44,412 --> 00:20:45,582 Nope. 582 00:20:46,314 --> 00:20:47,947 Watch your back, buddy. 583 00:20:48,049 --> 00:20:50,015 This is gonna be so much fun. 584 00:20:51,085 --> 00:20:51,918 Can't we just travel? 585 00:20:51,934 --> 00:20:53,334 Where'd your mom go? 586 00:20:53,402 --> 00:20:55,635 We have a winner! 587 00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,706 I really needed this today! 588 00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,645 Excuse me. Excuse me. 589 00:21:05,747 --> 00:21:07,547 Hey! That's my wife! 590 00:21:07,649 --> 00:21:10,483 Oh, sure, sweetheart. Like you could get that. 591 00:21:10,585 --> 00:21:13,753 No, no, no! That is my husband! 592 00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,054 Does she know that... 593 00:21:15,156 --> 00:21:16,923 No, and we're never gonna tell her. 594 00:21:22,959 --> 00:21:25,035 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 42061

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