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1
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[DOOR SLAMS]
2
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:18,501
ANNOUNCER [OVER TV]:
And coming uptomorrow on Oprah,
3
00:01:18,501 --> 00:01:20,200
Sugar coma:
4
00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:24,133
Is it killingproductivity in the home?
5
00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,033
Aw, Peg, are you
all worn down
6
00:01:43,033 --> 00:01:46,934
from cooking and
scrubbing and cleaning?
7
00:01:46,934 --> 00:01:51,367
Making this house
the palace that it is?
8
00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:52,901
You know,
you're amazing.
9
00:01:52,901 --> 00:01:54,334
I just can't
get over you.
10
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:56,200
How do you do it?
11
00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:01,100
Honey, you always wanted
to go to Europe.
12
00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:03,100
What do you say
I put you in a box
13
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:04,767
and ship you overseas?
14
00:02:04,767 --> 00:02:06,167
Come on, my little
death certificate,
15
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,868
what do you say?
16
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:13,534
Oh, Mom, I had
the most horrible dream.
17
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,701
I was married
to a shoe salesman,
18
00:02:15,701 --> 00:02:16,868
and we lived...
19
00:02:18,968 --> 00:02:20,200
[SCREAMS]
20
00:02:23,701 --> 00:02:24,567
It's true!
21
00:02:25,501 --> 00:02:26,767
Oh.
22
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:28,634
Hi, honey.
23
00:02:28,634 --> 00:02:30,367
I was just
dreaming about you.
24
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,834
Were you in it, or was
I having a good time?
25
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:36,434
Ah, kids, I hardly
ever say this,
26
00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:38,234
but it's good
to see you.
27
00:02:38,234 --> 00:02:39,634
I got something
I gotta tell you.
28
00:02:39,634 --> 00:02:41,100
Oh, please.
29
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,901
This isn't going to be
another one of those
30
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,701
"there's only enough food
for three" lectures, is it?
31
00:02:45,701 --> 00:02:47,434
No, it's not that.
32
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:48,434
I want everybody to know
33
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:49,634
that they have
a security guard
34
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:51,367
patrolling the wishing well
around the mall,
35
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,434
so money will be a little
tight for a while.
36
00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:57,667
Until old dad
37
00:02:57,667 --> 00:02:59,767
learns how to jimmy
those pay phones.
38
00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:00,634
Everybody understand?
39
00:03:03,167 --> 00:03:05,234
Well, good, good.
That's good.
40
00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,400
Bud,
take your jacket.
41
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,534
I don't have one.
42
00:03:10,534 --> 00:03:12,133
What do you mean
you don't have one?
43
00:03:12,133 --> 00:03:13,534
I just bought you one
last week.
44
00:03:13,534 --> 00:03:14,734
I guess
I left it somewhere.
45
00:03:14,734 --> 00:03:15,868
You don't
leave a jacket.
46
00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:17,234
You leave your hopes,
your dreams,
47
00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:18,868
if you're lucky,
your family,
48
00:03:18,868 --> 00:03:21,000
but you gotta take care
of your jacket.
49
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,033
Al, just get him
another jacket.
50
00:03:23,033 --> 00:03:24,133
Well, excuse me,
51
00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:26,868
Miss Why-don't-I-
get-a-W-2-form?
52
00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,334
Now, kids, sit down.
53
00:03:31,334 --> 00:03:32,934
How are you ever going
to learn responsibility?
54
00:03:32,934 --> 00:03:35,133
Do you know what
I had to do as a kid
55
00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:36,534
to earn money
to get a jacket?
56
00:03:36,534 --> 00:03:38,934
I had to shovel coal,
carry ice,
57
00:03:38,934 --> 00:03:41,000
dig ditches, pump gas--
58
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,567
* Nobody knows *
59
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,367
* The trouble
He's seen *
60
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:47,367
* Nobody knows his sorrow *
61
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:51,033
Thank you very much,
Bundy glee club.
62
00:03:51,033 --> 00:03:53,701
Oh, and by the way,
Peg, way to parent.
63
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,601
How much
is a jacket?
64
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:57,000
Sixty dollars.
Sixty dollars.
65
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,067
You know how much a jacket was
when I was a kid?
66
00:04:00,067 --> 00:04:03,400
* Nobody knows
The trouble he's seen *
67
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:06,868
Okay, okay, okay.
Here you go.
68
00:04:06,868 --> 00:04:08,033
Enjoy.
69
00:04:08,033 --> 00:04:09,934
Oh, and Peg,
don't bother chipping in,
70
00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:11,701
because you do so much
around here already.
71
00:04:11,701 --> 00:04:13,300
Right now, just try
to keep the couch
72
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:14,634
from hitting the ceiling.
73
00:04:14,634 --> 00:04:16,434
Thanks, Dad.
74
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:17,534
Yeah, right.
Hey, listen.
75
00:04:17,534 --> 00:04:18,534
Next time,
don't lose that--
76
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:19,701
Ah, who cares?
77
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:24,501
You know, it's amazing.
Kelly's the good one now.
78
00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:28,100
She comes home with new clothes,
but she never asks for money.
79
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,868
Thank you, princess,
for taking care of your stuff.
80
00:04:33,701 --> 00:04:34,901
Oh, Mom,
I need a favor.
81
00:04:34,901 --> 00:04:36,267
Oh, anything, honey.
82
00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:38,100
As long as
I don't have to get up.
83
00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:41,033
No, tomorrow's Mother-Daughter
career day at school,
84
00:04:41,033 --> 00:04:42,100
and some of the moms
85
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,501
are gonna talk
about what they do,
86
00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:44,901
so I volunteered you
for refreshments,
87
00:04:44,901 --> 00:04:46,267
and I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.
88
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,734
Eight hundred cookies
by tomorrow?
89
00:04:50,734 --> 00:04:51,968
Why didn't you
tell me before?
90
00:04:51,968 --> 00:04:54,367
Hey, they only told me
about it two weeks ago.
91
00:04:57,334 --> 00:04:58,901
Eight hundred cookies.
92
00:04:58,901 --> 00:05:00,067
Let's see.
93
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,834
Eighty cents a cookie...
94
00:05:02,834 --> 00:05:06,634
Al, I need
a thousand dollars.
95
00:05:06,634 --> 00:05:08,200
A thousand dollars?
That's no problem.
96
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,934
You got change
for a million?
97
00:05:10,934 --> 00:05:12,167
Come on, Al.
98
00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:13,534
I need money.
99
00:05:13,534 --> 00:05:15,267
I need 800 cookies
by tomorrow.
100
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:16,267
What am I gonna do?
101
00:05:16,267 --> 00:05:19,000
Mm, cookies.
Dilemma, dilemma.
102
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,801
Well, let's see how others
may have handled this.
103
00:05:20,801 --> 00:05:22,267
I remember reading
one time,
104
00:05:22,267 --> 00:05:23,767
I believe it was
The Enquirer,
105
00:05:23,767 --> 00:05:25,300
Yes,
I recall the headline.
106
00:05:25,300 --> 00:05:28,434
"Woman bakes cookies,
odd but true."
107
00:05:28,434 --> 00:05:30,000
Was that
the same issue
108
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,834
where a man
had sex with his wife?
109
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,467
Yeah, if you read
real careful,
110
00:05:35,467 --> 00:05:37,334
I believe it was the woman
who baked the cookies.
111
00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:43,901
[SOBBING]
112
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:57,968
Miss, have you
seen my mom?
113
00:06:00,701 --> 00:06:01,667
It's me, Bud.
114
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:04,567
But you're...
115
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:05,601
you're...
116
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:06,868
Cooking.
117
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,234
[SOBS]
118
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:11,067
Yes, Bud.
119
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,000
But it's not
for us, right?
120
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,968
Oh, no.
I wouldn't do that.
121
00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:18,601
Good.
122
00:06:18,601 --> 00:06:20,133
Can I have
some money?
123
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:22,067
You know where
we keep it.
124
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:22,968
Right, Mom.
125
00:06:39,868 --> 00:06:40,734
Hi, Dad.
126
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:44,501
Would it help everybody
if I just slept like this?
127
00:06:47,434 --> 00:06:48,968
It's an investment,
Dad.
128
00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:50,234
Now, listen.
129
00:06:50,234 --> 00:06:52,300
Kelly has a big math
test coming up.
130
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:54,300
Now, me and the guys are
getting a pool together
131
00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,667
to guess her score.
132
00:06:55,667 --> 00:06:58,267
Now, if I act fast,
I can cover 0-20,
133
00:06:58,267 --> 00:07:00,634
and we'll be rolling
in dough.
134
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:03,367
Put me down for 15.
135
00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:04,234
Right.
136
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:08,834
Where's your jacket?
137
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:10,267
Oh, I lost it.
138
00:07:10,267 --> 00:07:11,901
You know, I liked
that one too.
139
00:07:11,901 --> 00:07:13,701
Peg, did you hear this?
140
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,000
What's a degree?
141
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:18,200
[DOORBELL RINGS]
142
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:21,133
Oh, please let it be
a homicidal maniac. Please.
143
00:07:23,033 --> 00:07:25,767
That's close enough.
144
00:07:25,767 --> 00:07:27,734
Al, I know
this is usually
145
00:07:27,734 --> 00:07:30,167
Encyclopedia Britannica
hour at your house,
146
00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:32,200
but I was wondering if
you could spare a minute
147
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:33,801
to pay for the window
your son broke.
148
00:07:33,801 --> 00:07:34,801
Wait a second, Steve.
149
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,267
What makes you think
Bud did it?
150
00:07:36,267 --> 00:07:38,968
Well, it happened
right after I said to him,
151
00:07:38,968 --> 00:07:40,767
"Hey, Bud, aren't you
throwing those snowballs
152
00:07:40,767 --> 00:07:42,334
a little close
to my house?"
153
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:43,434
Bud?
154
00:07:43,434 --> 00:07:44,901
What have you got
to say for yourself?
155
00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,801
Kelly's failing English.
156
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,200
I don't want
to hear it.
157
00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,400
Now, you get
some scotch tape
158
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,701
and a piece
of Steve's newspaper,
159
00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:52,767
and you
tape up that window.
160
00:07:56,133 --> 00:07:57,133
Uh, Al,
161
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,667
as soothing
as the sound
162
00:07:58,667 --> 00:08:02,501
of wind whacking against
the sports section may be,
163
00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:03,901
I was thinking
more along the lines
164
00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:05,534
of 50 bucks
for a new window.
165
00:08:05,534 --> 00:08:08,667
And I could use 60
for a new jacket.
166
00:08:08,667 --> 00:08:10,067
You know, Steve,
I'm glad this happened.
167
00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:11,801
This came
at a perfect time.
168
00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:12,801
Winter?
169
00:08:12,801 --> 00:08:14,501
No.
170
00:08:14,501 --> 00:08:16,167
It's time Bud learned
some responsibility.
171
00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:17,968
You're going to learn
the value of a dollar.
172
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:19,467
You're going
to pay for his window
173
00:08:19,467 --> 00:08:20,801
and your jacket.
174
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,801
Al, why don't you just
give me the 50 bucks
175
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:24,000
and let Bud
pay you back?
176
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,234
Oh, no, Steve.
177
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:29,000
I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could throw him.
178
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,701
Okay,
how about this?
179
00:08:30,701 --> 00:08:32,100
It's six degrees
in my living room,
180
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:33,701
and I think the
lesson's mine to learn.
181
00:08:33,701 --> 00:08:34,901
I'll pay for
the window myself.
182
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,100
Well, that's
fine for you, Steve,
183
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,667
but what's
in it for Bud?
184
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:39,901
Okay, I'll
give him 50 bucks
185
00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:42,200
to forget
the whole thing.
186
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,300
No deal.
187
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,701
Now, Bud, here's
what we're gonna do.
188
00:08:44,701 --> 00:08:46,701
You are going to learn
the value of a dollar.
189
00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:49,067
You're going to come to work
with me tomorrow.
190
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:50,234
But, Dad, I have to--
191
00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:52,033
And after seeing what
I go through all day,
192
00:08:52,033 --> 00:08:53,968
you'll think twice
before you lose jackets,
193
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,534
break windows,
get married, have kids...
194
00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:06,467
Steve, what's a "tbls"?
195
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:10,801
That's short for tablespoon.
196
00:09:13,634 --> 00:09:15,434
And someone's
supposed to know that?
197
00:09:18,667 --> 00:09:21,234
Steve, did you know
our window is broken?
198
00:09:21,234 --> 00:09:22,968
Yes. Bud did it,
199
00:09:22,968 --> 00:09:23,968
I apologized,
200
00:09:23,968 --> 00:09:27,567
and they promised
to let me pay for it.
201
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,567
I'm going to go get
a new pane of glass.
202
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:30,567
You stay here.
203
00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:31,667
It's safer.
204
00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:32,868
They never foul
their own nest.
205
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:37,601
[PEG SOBS]
206
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,934
Peggy, what's wrong?
207
00:09:41,934 --> 00:09:44,033
Can't you see?
208
00:09:44,033 --> 00:09:45,868
I'm baking.
209
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:47,100
Look,
Marcie.
210
00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:48,300
Look at what
they look like
211
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:49,868
before
they're cookies.
212
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,801
I see you're making
chocolate chip.
213
00:09:54,801 --> 00:09:55,801
Oh, no.
214
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:57,100
That one just
fell on the floor.
215
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,434
I don't belong
in the kitchen, Marcie.
216
00:10:04,434 --> 00:10:07,534
I'm a woman, damn it.
217
00:10:07,534 --> 00:10:09,067
Let me help you.
218
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:13,067
Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.
219
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:14,901
How many do you need?
220
00:10:14,901 --> 00:10:17,000
Oh, 800 or so.
221
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,634
I want Kelly
to be proud of me.
222
00:10:18,634 --> 00:10:19,934
Make it
an even thou.
223
00:10:21,667 --> 00:10:22,701
Uh, Peggy?
224
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:27,501
This hair...
225
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,300
Do you want it
sticking out of the cookie,
226
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:31,734
or as a surprise
in the middle?
227
00:10:31,734 --> 00:10:35,000
However they do it at bakeries.
228
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,701
Then you'll want it inside.
229
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,801
So what do you
need these cookies for, anyway?
230
00:10:42,801 --> 00:10:44,534
Oh, it's
Mother-Daughter Career Day
231
00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:45,567
at Kelly's school.
232
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:46,968
Hmm. What are you
gonna wear?
233
00:10:46,968 --> 00:10:50,033
Why would I
go to career day?
234
00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:52,133
Well, you have a career.
235
00:10:52,133 --> 00:10:53,634
You're a homemaker,
236
00:10:53,634 --> 00:10:56,400
and a homemaker is a very
undervalued profession.
237
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,734
You should go and speak about
238
00:10:57,734 --> 00:10:59,901
the things
you do for your family, like...
239
00:11:03,968 --> 00:11:05,501
You did give birth, didn't you?
240
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:09,934
I guess.
241
00:11:09,934 --> 00:11:12,234
You know, I was so deep under,
I could have laid eggs.
242
00:11:15,234 --> 00:11:19,100
Yes, well, Steve and I
have a theory about that, but...
243
00:11:21,234 --> 00:11:22,834
Don't you think
Kelly wants you to go?
244
00:11:22,834 --> 00:11:24,334
She's never asked me.
245
00:11:24,334 --> 00:11:26,334
Peggy...
246
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:28,467
A lot of time, kids
don't come right out
247
00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:29,934
and ask for what
they really want.
248
00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:32,234
I know when I was
a young girl,
249
00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,000
I wanted a horse,
250
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,501
so I started talking
about stirrups.
251
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:41,501
My mother took me
to the gynecologist.
252
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,901
So now, whenever
I see a western,
253
00:11:42,901 --> 00:11:46,367
I have this urge to scootch
to the end of the table.
254
00:11:53,033 --> 00:11:54,734
Marcie, say
what you mean.
255
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:57,100
I want a horsie,
damn it.
256
00:11:57,100 --> 00:11:58,334
Well,
that's not what I mean.
257
00:11:58,334 --> 00:11:59,334
What I mean is,
258
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,601
no matter what she says,
259
00:12:00,601 --> 00:12:02,634
I'm sure Kelly wants you
to come to career day.
260
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,000
Hmm.
261
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,701
You know, she has been acting
kind of strange lately.
262
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:09,667
Why, just today, she asked me
to make her breakfast.
263
00:12:09,667 --> 00:12:13,267
Gee, I wonder
what she really wanted.
264
00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,267
Oh, well. I guess
I'll ask her gynecologist.
265
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:20,200
You know, maybe I should go
to that career day.
266
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,400
I hate to disappoint Kelly.
267
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,534
Oh, Mom, have you
seen my sweater?
268
00:12:24,534 --> 00:12:26,901
Not now, I'm cooking!
269
00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:29,200
God, it never ends.
270
00:12:34,634 --> 00:12:36,267
[CHATTERING]
271
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:54,467
Hi, Mom. How's it going?
272
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:55,801
Oh, fine.
273
00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,400
Fine!
274
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,300
I mean, nobody's talking to me
or anything, but, uh...
275
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:01,801
Actually, I shouldn't
say nobody.
276
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:03,200
A teacher gave me
detention
277
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,501
for smoking
in the bathroom.
278
00:13:05,501 --> 00:13:06,701
Oh, and the girls'
gym teacher
279
00:13:06,701 --> 00:13:08,467
asked if I'd I like
to come over
280
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:11,234
and we could
comb each other's hair.
281
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:12,367
Well, if you go,
282
00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:13,968
she'll get you out
of that detention.
283
00:13:16,267 --> 00:13:17,467
Look, Kelly,
284
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:18,868
I really thought
some of these kids
285
00:13:18,868 --> 00:13:20,667
would come over
and ask me questions.
286
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:22,367
I must be making you
look pretty bad
287
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:23,367
in front
of your friends.
288
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,501
Don't worry
about it, Mom.
289
00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:26,968
Most of my friends
aren't even up yet.
290
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,267
Well, I know that,
291
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:33,067
but I wanted you
to be proud of me,
292
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,667
like those other kids
are proud of their moms.
293
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,334
But you're not like
other moms.
294
00:13:37,334 --> 00:13:39,367
I mean, I knew that the
first day of kindergarten
295
00:13:39,367 --> 00:13:40,567
when I opened up
my lunchbox
296
00:13:40,567 --> 00:13:41,601
and found
a dollar bill
297
00:13:41,601 --> 00:13:46,000
and a road map
to Burger King.
298
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,667
I packed
that lunch myself.
299
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,200
But you know,
I've been thinking,
300
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:53,000
there must be more
to being a good mom
301
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,467
than good nutrition.
302
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:55,701
I mean, look,
303
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:57,634
those other kids
are learning so much
304
00:13:57,634 --> 00:13:58,934
from the other moms.
305
00:13:58,934 --> 00:14:01,601
Hey. Those other moms
couldn't have taught me
306
00:14:01,601 --> 00:14:05,067
how to forge
Dad's signature.
307
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:07,434
Well, you know,
I can't take credit for that.
308
00:14:07,434 --> 00:14:10,901
Bud taught me,
and I passed it on to you.
309
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,334
You're very good
at that, you know.
310
00:14:12,334 --> 00:14:13,334
Thanks.
311
00:14:13,334 --> 00:14:14,734
Why, your "Al Bundy"
is worth more
312
00:14:14,734 --> 00:14:17,634
than the check
it's written on.
313
00:14:17,634 --> 00:14:19,501
See, you've helped me
in a lot of ways.
314
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:21,133
Do you remember
when I was 7
315
00:14:21,133 --> 00:14:22,133
and I was crying
316
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:23,334
because Bobby Shepin
liked Terry Mull
317
00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:24,667
just because
she was a blonde,
318
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:26,300
and you ran right out
and bought me
319
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:28,767
my first bottle
of bleach.
320
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:32,601
Oh, I almost
forgot about that.
321
00:14:32,601 --> 00:14:35,667
Honey, what is
your real hair color?
322
00:14:36,968 --> 00:14:39,000
I don't know.
323
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,868
What color's yours?
324
00:14:40,868 --> 00:14:42,968
I don't know.
325
00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:44,167
You know,
it's times like these
326
00:14:44,167 --> 00:14:47,167
I wish
we'd taken pictures.
327
00:14:47,167 --> 00:14:48,434
Oh, listen.
328
00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:51,234
Let's go have ourselves
a real Mother-Daughter Day.
329
00:14:51,234 --> 00:14:52,634
We'll get some popcorn,
feed the pigeons,
330
00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:55,501
and then walk by
a construction site
331
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,334
and make them
hoot like jackals.
332
00:14:57,334 --> 00:14:59,467
Too cool
for school, Mom.
333
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:01,601
Hey,
excuse me.
334
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:02,634
What do you do?
335
00:15:02,634 --> 00:15:04,434
Oh, uh,
336
00:15:04,434 --> 00:15:05,934
I don't know.
337
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:08,067
Nothing, really.
338
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:09,434
I watch TV.
339
00:15:09,434 --> 00:15:11,100
Then how do you make money?
340
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:14,000
Easy.
My husband has a job.
341
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,501
He brings home
a paycheck,
342
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:18,234
and what he doesn't
give to me, I take!
343
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:20,000
Wow!
344
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,601
Hey, Becky, come here,
you gotta hear this.
345
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:28,400
Dad,
I had a math test today.
346
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,834
Why are you doing this?
347
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:31,033
AL:
For once in your life
348
00:15:31,033 --> 00:15:32,033
I want you to see
349
00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:33,434
what your dad
does all day long.
350
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,434
[TOILET FLUSHES]
351
00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:41,300
There, that's better.
352
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:42,634
This is great,
isn't it?
353
00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:47,200
Dad, tell me again
this lesson I'll never forget,
354
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,400
because I already know
how to go to the bathroom.
355
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:52,400
It's about responsibility, Bud.
356
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,200
You can't go through life
asking for money
357
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,067
and not doing anything
to earn it.
358
00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:58,334
Your mom already
cornered that market.
359
00:15:58,334 --> 00:16:00,534
I just want to show you
where the money comes from.
360
00:16:00,534 --> 00:16:02,968
Now, you remember
that 320-pound behemoth
361
00:16:02,968 --> 00:16:05,200
that orbited her way
in here about an hour ago?
362
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:09,167
The one with the chicken wing
between her teeth?
363
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:11,400
No, the other one.
364
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,167
Now, that was a $20 sale.
365
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:15,901
That means a solid
$1.97 for me.
366
00:16:15,901 --> 00:16:18,000
After taxes, social security,
and your mom,
367
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,868
I just earned myself
a cool nickel.
368
00:16:22,734 --> 00:16:24,334
You know, I never
figured that out before.
369
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:25,567
What the hell
am I doing?
370
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,234
Other people
make money.
371
00:16:27,234 --> 00:16:28,634
Ah, but we're not
talking about me.
372
00:16:28,634 --> 00:16:30,334
We're talking about you.
373
00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:32,400
You're living
in a time of possibilities
374
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,901
for a young,
smart guy like you
375
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,334
that are limitless.
376
00:16:35,334 --> 00:16:36,334
Why, you could--
377
00:16:36,334 --> 00:16:37,267
A nickel?
378
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,601
That's what I make?
379
00:16:40,601 --> 00:16:41,667
What the hell
keeps me going?
380
00:16:42,801 --> 00:16:43,934
Dad, just--
381
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,801
Now, wait a second, Bud.
Dad needs a moment here.
382
00:16:47,434 --> 00:16:49,567
A nickel?
383
00:16:49,567 --> 00:16:50,601
That can't be right.
384
00:16:50,601 --> 00:16:53,100
It just can't be.
385
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,501
Ah, well,
the important thing
386
00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:56,534
is that you learn
responsibility,
387
00:16:56,534 --> 00:16:57,534
and that your old dad
388
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,167
is a little more
than a Ready Teller
389
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:02,334
who doles out money
anytime anybody asks.
390
00:17:02,334 --> 00:17:03,467
Excuse me.
391
00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,067
Would you be able
to spare some cab fare?
392
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:06,934
Absolutely.
393
00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:11,033
You know,
cabs are dangerous these days.
394
00:17:11,033 --> 00:17:12,234
Let me get you a limo.
395
00:17:12,234 --> 00:17:14,334
Gee, great.
396
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:15,767
[CASH REGISTER RINGS]
397
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,567
And who
might you be?
398
00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:19,801
I might be
the son of a rich man,
399
00:17:19,801 --> 00:17:20,968
but fate stepped in
400
00:17:20,968 --> 00:17:24,267
and dealt me
a tragic hand.
401
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,000
Don't talk to him.
He loses jackets.
402
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,000
There you go.
403
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:28,200
I'm sorry I had to ask,
404
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,000
but would you believe it?
I lost my purse?
405
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,000
AL:
Oh, well,
406
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,467
Let's retrace
your steps.
407
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:36,033
Let's go back to
your shower this morning.
408
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:39,000
Now, um...
409
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,133
What were
you wearing?
410
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:41,200
Well, nothing.
411
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,734
Uh-huh.
412
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:46,601
And what kind of soap
were you using?
413
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,400
Dad, let me speak
to you for a second.
414
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,067
I'm with a customer.
415
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:50,934
Dad!
416
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:55,400
I don't get this.
417
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,901
I lost a jacket,
I got a lecture.
418
00:17:57,901 --> 00:17:59,801
She loses her purse,
she gets 20 bucks.
419
00:17:59,801 --> 00:18:01,667
How come I have
to learn responsibility
420
00:18:01,667 --> 00:18:03,033
and she doesn't?
421
00:18:03,033 --> 00:18:05,334
Son, look at that.
422
00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:08,501
When you have
that kind of skill,
423
00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:10,968
you don't
need responsibility.
424
00:18:10,968 --> 00:18:12,567
Bud, I got an idea.
425
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:13,567
Me too, Dad.
426
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:14,567
No, no.
427
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:15,934
It's obvious to me
428
00:18:15,934 --> 00:18:17,934
that you're not going
to learn anything looking at me.
429
00:18:17,934 --> 00:18:20,434
I'm not looking at you,
Dad.
430
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:25,300
Well, then at least listen,
and don't block my view.
431
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:28,167
Bud, you're going to have
the same thing I had as a kid.
432
00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:30,167
You're going to open
your own lemonade stand.
433
00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,434
Nothing better
on a hot day.
434
00:18:32,434 --> 00:18:34,300
Dad, it's 12
degrees.
435
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,834
Then why are
we both sweating?
436
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,300
All right,
who's next
437
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,901
to lift the wallet
out of the pants?
438
00:18:41,901 --> 00:18:42,968
Oh!
439
00:18:42,968 --> 00:18:45,334
Okay, Susan.
You try.
440
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,701
Oh, no,
no, no.
441
00:18:46,701 --> 00:18:48,601
You want to lift
with the right hand.
442
00:18:48,601 --> 00:18:49,667
The left hand
443
00:18:49,667 --> 00:18:52,367
is to hold the
pillow over his head.
444
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:55,234
Uh, Mom, a remote control
question over here?
445
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,567
Oh, no, no, Kimberly.
446
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,834
You want to roll the bonbon
in your mouth.
447
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,634
Roll it,
roll it.
448
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:05,067
Yes?
449
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:06,434
What if your husband
450
00:19:06,434 --> 00:19:09,267
is watching something
stupid like sports,
451
00:19:09,267 --> 00:19:11,434
and he has
the remote control?
452
00:19:11,434 --> 00:19:14,734
CROWD:
Yeah. That's a good one.
453
00:19:14,734 --> 00:19:17,400
Ah.
An advanced question.
454
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,200
This requires
planning.
455
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,367
As I explained,
456
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:23,734
in the section
on how to use your TV Guide,
457
00:19:23,734 --> 00:19:26,701
when you fold down the pages
of what you want to see,
458
00:19:26,701 --> 00:19:28,801
scan for those
nasty sporting events
459
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,934
that can kill
your evening.
460
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,000
That day,
you set the channel
461
00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:34,300
for what you want,
462
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:37,000
and then remove the batteries
from the remote control.
463
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:41,367
Most men
464
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:44,234
will only push
a remote button four times
465
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:45,834
before giving up,
466
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:48,334
and they won't get up
to change the station manually,
467
00:19:48,334 --> 00:19:50,734
because they're
too tired from work.
468
00:19:54,901 --> 00:19:55,901
Judge Spivak.
469
00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,000
What about meals?
470
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,100
How do they get done?
471
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:01,767
Hello,
do you deliver?
472
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,767
So what you're saying
is that work is stupid.
473
00:20:07,767 --> 00:20:10,367
Just for women.
474
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:11,634
No, what I'm saying
475
00:20:11,634 --> 00:20:15,100
is why should we age
and sweat and die early?
476
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:16,267
That's what men are for!
477
00:20:18,133 --> 00:20:21,634
Gosh, Kelly, your mom
is the greatest,
478
00:20:21,634 --> 00:20:24,000
and where did she learn
to make such good cookies?
479
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,334
She tricked a neighbor
into baking them.
480
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:28,701
Oh, my gosh.
Everybody, did you hear that?
481
00:20:28,701 --> 00:20:31,067
She tricked a neighbor
into making these cookies.
482
00:20:31,067 --> 00:20:33,400
All CHANTING:
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
483
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,200
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
484
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,734
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
Peg-gy! Peg-gy!
485
00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:42,267
I couldn't believe
that astronaut.
486
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:43,334
Forty years old,
487
00:20:43,334 --> 00:20:47,100
and she didn't even know
who Oprah was.
488
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,300
Spend some time
on Earth, lady.
489
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,234
You know, Mom,
490
00:20:53,234 --> 00:20:55,734
when I grow up, I want
to be just like you.
491
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,734
I want to do nothing.
I want to be nothing.
492
00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:03,300
Oh, Kelly,
you make me so proud.
493
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:04,534
I just
wish your father
494
00:21:04,534 --> 00:21:07,100
could be here
to hear that.
495
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,934
What are they doing
selling lemonade?
496
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:11,067
It must be
five below out there.
497
00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,868
Oh, it's something
about a lesson.
498
00:21:12,868 --> 00:21:14,667
I couldn't
really understand Bud.
499
00:21:14,667 --> 00:21:17,133
He had a lemon
stuck to his lips.
500
00:21:20,868 --> 00:21:22,567
What happened to Bud?
501
00:21:22,567 --> 00:21:25,968
Ah, he's
a little grumpy.
502
00:21:25,968 --> 00:21:28,234
Mr. Erickson was running
his snow blower.
503
00:21:28,234 --> 00:21:30,634
It sucked up a quarter,
shot it across the street,
504
00:21:30,634 --> 00:21:33,100
hit Bud in the head.
505
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:34,234
There ya go!
506
00:21:34,234 --> 00:21:35,367
I told you
507
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:37,167
if you put these lemons
under a little fire,
508
00:21:37,167 --> 00:21:38,167
they'd fall right out.
509
00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:40,968
You're the
greatest, Dad.
510
00:21:40,968 --> 00:21:43,400
Save me
from this man.
511
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,434
Some other time, Bud.
512
00:21:44,434 --> 00:21:45,901
I'm taking Kelly shopping.
513
00:21:47,801 --> 00:21:49,000
Oh, look, Mom.
514
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,501
This quarter
fell off Bud's head.
515
00:21:50,501 --> 00:21:52,100
We can use it
for the parking meter.
516
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:53,133
No, no,
517
00:21:53,133 --> 00:21:55,734
we have
an out-of-order sign for that.
518
00:21:55,734 --> 00:21:58,234
But I know, we can use it
to buy lemonade at the mall.
519
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,200
Hey, Mom, you want
to buy Bud a jacket?
520
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,868
What for?
He's inside now.
521
00:22:10,601 --> 00:22:14,267
Well, I think you learned
a couple of valuable lessons.
522
00:22:14,267 --> 00:22:15,467
Number one,
523
00:22:15,467 --> 00:22:18,467
never suck on a lemon
when it's 5 degrees.
524
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:20,100
Number two,
look at yourself.
525
00:22:20,100 --> 00:22:21,501
You're cold,
you're hungry,
526
00:22:21,501 --> 00:22:23,133
you're beginning
to stoop.
527
00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,701
You earned a quarter
and the women took it.
528
00:22:25,701 --> 00:22:27,801
Congratulations, Bud.
529
00:22:27,801 --> 00:22:29,534
Today, you are a man.
36489
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