Original subtitles

Falling in love is beautiful.

We do it for one reason: nothing In the world makes us feel so good.

- Don't! -"Don't!"

- That hurts! - Poor Kate Let me make it better.

You're ugly You're ugly!

First love ls the most powerful because no one's been hurt yet.

My first love was Bobby Norton.

Everything he did had a sort of magic to it.

The way he smiled, talked

the way he walked like my favorite actor,Billy Jack

Bobby was a movie star.

You okay?

Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard the next time.

My heart just got bigger.

When I do like this it looks like you only have one eye.

Thank you.

One of the differences between men and women when it comes to love

ls the need to tell the world every little detail

if you choose to spill your guts to someone

just make sure it isn't Becky Sussman

Bobby, are you okay?

- How could you do it? - What did I do?

You told everybody How could you do that?

All my friends are making fun of me And now it's over.

It's over!

Bobby!

I'll tell you friends I was lying!

I'll let you hit me harder! Bobby!

Love ls a minefield We take a step,get blown to pieces

put yourself back together again and stupidly take another step

I guess that's human nature.

It hurts so much to be alone that we'd rather blow up than be single.

Hey, Frank.

That doesn't make the elevator go any faster, Kate

I know, but it makes me feel more involved.

- Are you angry? - No Why?

I just heard single women

tend to be 8 times angrier than married women.

Maybe you should write an article about it, since you're not married.

I would, but

I'm writing about married bald guys who can't get hard without Viagra.

- You're late. - I know.

- Not a good day to be late. - Why not?

Because the Anti-Christ is really pissed at you.

She wants to see you in her office right now.

- God Why? - I'm not supposed to say.

- Do you have any stretch marks? - Not yet.

Damn! I have a deadline on my Vitamin E piece.

That bitch in accounting won't talk Anybody here have stretch marks?

Sit down.

God!

Don't get old, Kate Old is ugly, ugly is death.

- You're fired. - What?

Get me Leo Was this a joke? Were you planning to turn in this thing?

You said I should make the article my own, so I did

Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cock.

- Yeah, I called it "Blow by Blow" - Very clever.

"When life sucks, so should you Oral sex can cure depression."

What the fuck were you thinking?

Maybe the title is a little harsh But I found a great hook, no?

I meant you should draw from your own experiences and relationships.

That's what I did

I know ten times more about blow jobs than I do about relationships

I failed at every relationship I've ever been in

I don't know about your personal life, and I don't give a shit.

The point is, our readers still have hope.

This is called Monique Magazine My name is at stake here.

It is not called "Tired Old Jaded Dicksucker Review".

What if Mary writes the piece on perfect relationships

and I do the thing on stretch marks? I know tons of people with them

I'm gonna be completely honest with you

I can't cope with being fired.

This is the only thing in my entire life I haven't failed at

I can do the assignment, I know I can.

Can you finish 2,5OO happy, perky words by deadline tonight?

- Absolutely. - Then you are temporarily unfired.

Now get the fuck out of here.

Shit! Shit!

So were you fired?

Not yet.

Somebody made a copy of your article and circulated it.

Pretty good.

So you use your hands?

Happy, perky notes

on how to find and keep that perfect man.

We all want to be loved.

It doesn't matter by whom,as long as they make us feel less alone.

What makes a relationship last forever?

If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be living alone with my four cats.

They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to the prince.

Richard Miltnerwas the most boring frog I ever dated.

But sometimes you just have to get out of the house.

You know, masculine and feminine.

We lucked out pretty good.

My mother's corns aren't usually this bad.

Lucky for us she wasn't able to walk well enough to come to the show.

It's haunting, don't you think?

What?

The paintings They're pretty disturbing.

- You think? - If I had a kid

I definitely wouldn't put one of these up his bedroom.

Unless I hated him.

My father would've hung stuff like that from my ceilings.

He hated me My mother hated me too.

She used to tell me I was dying of cancer when I was four.

It always sent me in depressions, which is exactly what she wanted

because then I wouldn't ask her to make me lunch.

She hated it when I bugged her for food or stuff.

- Would you like a champagne? - What?

A champagne, would you like one?

Yeah, absolutely.

Are you looking for me?

I wasn't really looking for anyone.

Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

In the corner.

- In the corner? - I don't like the middle of rooms.

Just come with me to the corner No one's behind you in the corner.

- Who's the guy you're with? - What guy?

Richard? He's a stand-up comedian.

He seems funny Is he your boyfriend?

Richard? No He's 3O years old and lives with his mother.

So what do you think of the paintings?

I love the style, but I think they're a little immature

Immature? What makes you say that?

Look at that one over there.

- What the hell does it mean? - That?

That means there's a woman pulling a severed head out of her ass.

What's the point? What do I learn from it?

Maybe that's it There's no point You don't have to learn anything.

I wonder what the artist looks like.

He must be scary to make this shit.

Maybe he has a highly developed dark side you don't understand.

So how long did it take you to paint that one?

Gosh, there you are I've been looking all over for you.

You are a doll Look at this! Thank you

Richard, Adam Levy.

- You're the artist. - You're the lucky guy.

We were just getting around to discussing our future children.

Right, but I don't think you're gonna have a future together.

- I'm sorry Excuse me? - You'd need to see the person again.

You're not gonna be seeing her anymore 'cause she's my girlfriend.

- What? - What?

When we laid eyes on each other

we had this spark Right?

- Kate. - Isn't that right, Kate?

No, actually.

Is this some kind of joke?

No, but this is: two guys walk into a bar.

One guy is a 3O-year-old stand-up comedian who lives with his mother.

Could we go now, please?

You know, it is women like you who turn men into weirdos.

Don't bother Once I've been hurt, there's no turning back.

That wasn't cool I made it weird.

- You shouldn't have done that. - I know.

So where should we eat?

You are without a doubt the tallest woman I've ever met in my life.

Really?

I've been noticing you have these

long ET fingers.

Like a tree frog.

My God! How big?

- Size 11 - Size 11?

- Yeah, size 11 - Woman's size 11?

Is this some kind of artist thing? Focusing on people's flaws?

I don't see them as flaws, but as God's artistic choices

I guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head.

You know what's different? You're being shitty and mean.

And I was celebrating your body, who you are.

- You were celebrating my body? - I was.

- I like this part normally. - What part is that?

When it's new, you know You can ask all the fun questions.

- Right. - Let me first.

What's you relationship like with your dad?

My dad's dead.

He was hit by a car in front of me when I was six.

God I'm so sorry.

Just kidding We get along great.

- Any brothers and sisters? - It's my turn

I took your turn away Any brothers or sisters?

Three older brothers How many women have you slept with?

- Excuse me? - I know you've counted How many?

- How many men have you slept with? - Not that many 13

13?

As like 13 different guys?

Spread out over the years, that's not so many.

Aren't you gonna answer the question?

2 Okay?

-2? That's it? - That's it.

Some of us actually believe in having full relationships

I believe in relationships Mine just happen to be short ones

I'm sorry you're like a whore.

- Excuse me? -13! Jesus Christ!

Give me a break!

- Were you popular in high school? - What do you think?

- I guess that's a no. - I don't need this shit

I was very popular in high school

I was an artist, I used to draw all the pretty girls, made them better.

They all loved me.

They didn't sleep with me, but they loved me.

How about you?

You must 've been real popular with that attitude.

No, I had huge buck teeth and bony knees.

And I slouched to hide the fact I hadn't grown any boobs yet.

And my hair was all stringy and everybody called me Horseface.

Horseface? It suits you.

- You think so? - I like it.

- You like it? - What was your longest kiss?

The longest kiss?

Don't, it 'll just make me jealous.

Just make sure this one's longer

Adam was unlike any guy I'd ever know.

We were instant best friends.

Two people who understood each other without having to say a word.

It wasn't like that at all In my first relationship.

I was a bad idea to give up my virginity to my French teacher

if two people want to be a couple of them

it is good when they are making love with each other, they feel nice.

- What? - Let's make love.

We will, Mr Bossard I promise.

I don't think I can tonight though I'm not really ready yet.

Because you feel we don't have the quality of life together

- I am sad for this. - What?

Let's make love, Cheri, please I am waiting for so long.

- Will it hurt? - Do not be scary

- I am there for you needing me. - What?

Mr Bossard

are you doing it?

I can't believe it It's supposed to hurt.

Maybe it's because I've ridden horses all my life.

Are you smaller than most guys?

My older man daddy phase continued on right into college

I was not a very evolved person by the time I ran into Eric.

- Are you okay? - Are you blind? Out of your mind?

What is wrong with you? This is a brand new car!

You could've killed me! What are you doing?

- I said I'm sorry, alright? - This is a US$ 5OO shirt!

- I didn't see you. - You didn't see me?

- Were you painting you toenails? - Listen, fuckface! I didn't see you!

I didn't wake up this morning and go.

"Today is the day I'm gonna crash into some fucking uptight yuppie!"

You know what, lady? Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Shit! Fuck!

- There! You see that? - How's that?

- Take that! - Okay, break it up!

- Officer, I. - Shut up! Hands behind your back!

- Hit him with your big stick! - You! Get up there!

- We got off on the wrong foot. - What?

You just destroyed my car!

I'm sorry about that Maybe we could start over again.

You got any plans for dinner tonight after we make bail?

So this is where writers hang out?

What do you write about?

I'm working on a novel between my journalism classes at UCLA.

A novel?

- What's it about? - Death.

That sounds interesting.

So what do you do?

I work a lot with Big Red-Ass Monkeys.

It's a band You know, the band?

"Big Red-Ass Monkeys are here" I direct music videos

isn't that the one where the naked girl swims with a chimp?

Ape Great ape.

Right I guess chimps don't have those big red asses.

I don't know, I never checked.

Do you think maybe I could kiss you?

- Maybe later. - Maybe later when?

Maybe later like 5 seconds

5, 4, 3, 2

I hate when that happens.

A toast to our three-week anniversary.

I think this is the longest relationship I've ever been in.

Well, not counting Mr Bossard, which lasted one semester.

- Did I ever tell you? - Don't mention your French teacher.

It really disturbs me.

- Good. - And your last relationship?

- God What about it? - How long was it again?

- Five miserable years. - What did you have in common?

Nothing.

What do we have in common?

- We have a lot in common. - Like what?

Like, how many people do you know

who have sex in public places?

Every guy I've ever met.

Good morning You know what day today is, don't you?

Sunday morning My turn.

- I thought it was my turn. - Nope It's my turn.

You know what? This game is idiotic.

- It's not spontaneous. - That's not true.

Scheduled spontaneity is the key to long-term love.

Don't look so happy.

I like Sundays.

Careful, careful

I'm not getting that.

They can wait Come on.

- Get it or you're not getting it. - I can't get it.

Alright

I'll be back.

Don't lose your concentration, okay?

Where you going?

Now you want some, don't you? Hold that thought, okay?

Daddy!

- Guess what I did at Kiddieland? - We're gonna go Come with Mommy.

It's not what it looks like, I'll explain Nell, wait! Nell!

Kate, I can explain!

Will you come back?

Will you stop? Stop!

- What are you? - I understand how you feel.

You have no idea how anyone feels You're a social climber!

- I'm planning on getting a divorce. - Don't ever touch me again!

- Kate! - Daddy!

Even when bad relationships end

the pain can be severe enough to screw you up for years.

We all pick up a little baggage after every breakup.

The hope Is that when the bags start to accumulate

we're still able to drag them into the next relationship.

Fortunately when Adam and I moved In together

my carry-on baggage was fairly light.

- Let's put that one in the bedroom. - I was gonna put "Paul's Entrails".

It's better for the bathroom

if you want to be obvious.

Okay, whatever you want.

- I love you, Horseface. - I love you too

I mean I love you more than I've ever loved anybody ever

in my life.

Where are you going?

God.

- Say it. - Why do you want me to say it again?

Because it was cute And I want that cute moment saved forever.

It's gonna sound forced And I'm irritated Could we just?

- Just say it. - I love you.

- Horseface! - I love you, Horseface

I love you too Now strip.

- Strip? - Strip.

- Put the toy away and we'll. - Come on.

- Don't poke the bear in the zoo. - Come on.

- Don't poke the bear in the zoo. - Take it off Come on.

- Don't poke the bear in the zoo. - Whip it out.

When you finally share your lonely bed with the one you love

life just doesn't get any better.

- That was not me. - Stop Stop it.

That was the first time you That was your first fart.

That was your first fart You do love me.

Don't blame it on me.

That was so cute You're embarrassed.

Come here No woman has ever farted in front of me before.

Hi.

- Hi. - What?

- What? - Why are you smiling like that?

It's our one-year anniversary You should be smiling too.

I guess so.

Come here Come on.

No, come here Are you a grouchy little bunny?

I'm taking you to some place very special today.

- Where? - It's a surprise.

Go fill me the tub and I'll take you.

- Now, in the middle of the day? - I feel very dirty I need a tub.

Forget it.

Can you just fill me a tub? Come on, you big grouch, just go.

My God, it's like pulling teeth with you to get anything.

My God!

Are you insane? What are we gonna do with all these kittens?

I don't know Make stew, I figured.

What are they doing in there? They like you, obviously.

This one's Louie, this one's Murray.

This is Steve and this is Mordecai.

I got them from the Chinese restaurant.

Hi, Mommy.

Hello Aren't I cute?

Hi You are my new Mommy now.

Bet the other 13 guys you slept with didn't get you a litter of kitties

I'm pregnant.

- You're really? - I took a test and it turned pink.

Pink? isn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?

Believe me, I know how to pee on a stick and read directions.

- I thought we were being safe. - Yeah, not safe enough.

- God, we hardly know each other. - We know each other

I just don't know if I'm ready to be a mother, Adam

I'm too confused, too immature, too messy.

What about abortion? Did you ever think about that

possibility?

I just never thought this would happen to me

- I don't know what to do. - Here, come here.

Don't worry A lot of people think it's the world's greatest present.

- What do you think? - I'll tell you what I think:

that our baby would be the cutest thing walking in poo-poo pants.

Are you scared?

Of what? Of doing the most natural thing in the world?

Of bringing a gorgeous little brilliant genius into the world?

No I wouldn't be scared.

What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius? What if it was an ugly little troll?

I guess we just have to pray to God

that the baby takes after me.

We could name it Ned, after my grandfather.

- What if it's a little girl? - Nedina, we'll call it.

This one needs to be changed I want you to practice to be a good Mommy.

God, my stomach is huge!

I look like Buddha.

You're the same as always.

So I've always had a Buddha gut?

Calm down You've been pregnant a month The baby's too small.

- Soon you'll look like a Volkswagen. - You have an abnormally large head.

Come on, Horseface, get over here.

Come on.

Let's see what we got here.

Ned wants a womb with a view.

Ned's not very funny.

Well, Ned's just a fetus We should cut Ned a little slack.

And I think you're more beautiful than ever.

Are you okay, baby?

Are you okay? What's wrong?

I'm bleeding.

Something's wrong.

Something is going wrong.

Get up Get up.

Where's your robe, baby?

- Where's your robe? - I don't know.

Do you think it's possible to love the same person forever?

- Sure Don't you? - I don't know

I haven't seen a relationship that didn't end one way or another.

What about your parents? They've been together for 35 years.

They live together, but they haven't said "I love you" for 2O years.

Maybe that's human nature You spend that much time around a person

saying "I love you" is probably like saying "cheese sandwich".

God, I hope not

Katie.

- I cheese sandwich you. - I cheese sandwich you too.

The longer you're with someone, the more annoying they'll become.

You'll become annoying too So if you want perfection all the time

don't bother having a relationship.

Did you see that little old lady?

- Didn't she look sad and lonely? - I didn't look I need some shoes.

Her eyes were so hollow.

Old people have hollow eyes Especially old women.

- What? - Can we go in here?

What do you mean, especially old women?

- Women don't age as well as men. - How could you say that?

How many 5O-year-old women do you see with 2O-year-old guys?

That's a societal double standard It's got nothing to do with facts.

Who looks better, Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?

It's nature Men have thicker skin That's why women wrinkle more.

- Shut up. - You're afraid to become obsolete.

At a certain age men start to notice younger girls It freaks you out.

Well, you're going bald!

I have the keys! Where are you going?

I've got one What do you have?

This with topless female ninjas.

Let's just get one 'Cause we'll forget to return them

and it will be 8OO dollars for two movies.

- And which one do you want? -"Nosferatu".

You've seen it 5O times, and every time you get depressed

I like being depressed It makes me feel deep and introspective.

Wanna see what this is about? Maybe you might like it.

"Nasty naked ninjettes infiltrates the mob and take over little Italy

nunchacking their way to Mafia Don Guido Mantucci".

That sounds incredible.

Why do you have to do it?

You think I wanna go home and snuggle

and read subtitles and watch in black and white?

Can't we ever go to a goddamn video store and not argue?

Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies.

It's not true! How can you not appreciate German Expressionism?

- I love German Expressionism. - Right.

What I don't like is what you turn into when you watch that movie.

You get all fixated on death "I'm gonna die, you're gonna die".

Fine You watch your stupid titty movie, I'll watch my death movie.

- You return yours, I'll return mine. - Fine.

It's her birthday One of these should be free.

Romance.

The most important part of keeping a good relationship going.

Be sure to treasure each one of those moments together In bed.

We haven't had sex in a while.

We haven't had sex in like three weeks.

You're not even listening to me.

No, I wasn't

I said we haven't had sex in like three weeks.

Maybe it's because you clip your toenails in our bed.

What's the real reason?

I don't know.

Do you want to have sex right now?

No Do you?

No

-ls there something wrong with us? - I don't know.

Maybe we should force ourselves.

- What? Like mutual rape? - It might turn us on.

- I'm tired. - Me too.

- Love you. - Love you too.

Don't do that You don't know how much that bugs me.

I said don't!

If you do that one more time, I'm gonna scream.

I think it's over.

What's over?

Us I think we're done.

What are you saying?

I think I need to break up.

What did you just say?

I said I think we should break up.

No You said you need to break up.

- What's the difference? - There's a huge difference.

Saying "we" implies it is mutual Otherwise it means you're ending it.

- Are you ending it? - I don't know I guess so.

Have you met someone else?

Nothing like that It's just we're becoming this old married couple.

God It's the 13 guys thing, isn't it?

That's what it is.

You've been obsessed with my past, now you want to make it even.

Shut up about that It's not the 13 guys

I'm over that, I've dealt with that It's a non-issue, I promise you.

Then why now?

It's that I've never been single

I've spent my whole life going from one relationship to another.

And I've never been alone.

Do you realize what you're saying? Do you realize what this means?

What does this mean?

It means this is it, the end.

And once it's over, it's over.

Yeah, I guess so.

But it's not like we won't still be friends.

Who said anything about being friends?

We love each other I don't wanna lose you from my life.

Know that when you get to number 13 I won't be here waiting for you.

Give that up, it's not about that It isn't working for either of us.

- You're not happy, are you? - No, I'm not happy.

- So neither of us are happy. - You're right I'm miserable.

Could you stop? You're packing my laundry now.

Breaking up would be the best thing for me!

You know what?

- I feel good No, I feel great. - Come back to bed.

Already it's like a weight has been lifted off my head.

- Can't this wait? - I can breathe, I can think.

All of a sudden life is clear It's amazing!

I am so happy!

When I look back at the love I had with Adam

I see a pathetic potted plant nobody bothered to water.

It started out green and lush, then eventually became a dried up stick.

Breaking up ls like dying,slowly

with nobody around.

That's why ls so important during that dark period

to keep yourself busy doing the things that don't depress you.

Fuck me! Jesus! Kate!

I can't believe it.

Our relationship hasn't even started decomposing yet.

- Who's this? - My friend Kate

Kate, this is my friend Peaches.

This must be the friend you just broke up with.

And this must be the friend you just started fucking!

Wait, wait.

Peaches? My God!

What the fuck is that thing on your face?

- Keep your voice down. - What are you doing here?

This is my movie! You came to make out with someone called Peaches?

- How dare you? - I wanna call you Can I call you?

No I'm gonna get over you And when I do, I'll call you.

That could take days.

Okay, let's see here.

That's hideous.

Here you go Kate, how about this?

No That makes me look like a drug addicted hooker

I wanna look great Like a drug addicted model

I don't see what the big deal is It's just a birthday party.

Adam's gonna be there.

- Aren't you over him yet? - Of course I am

I just want him to feel jealous when he sees me with Jerome Davis

Jerome Davis? Wait a minute.

The perverted basketball player who was obsessed with your ass?

He was?

You got a great ass You're a big woman

but your ass is small and compact to fit your size.

And yet if you take that ass and put it on your little friend here

it would be fucking huge.

That's it, I'm gone.

God!

Thought it was you.

I didn't expect to see you here I didn't know Sam invited you.

- No Mary invited me. - Mary? Of course.

That's great.

It's nice to see you.

I haven't seen you in a while I've missed you.

It's been a long time.

- I'm sorry Hi, I'm Adam. - What's up, Ad? Jerome.

It's not Ad, it's Adam What's up, Jer?

- Why don't I call you tomorrow? - Don't make this a weird thing

- I'll give you a call tomorrow. - Give me a call.

Give me a call or page me, 'cause my shit's blowing up now.

- Why don't you call me? - I will

I'm running around a lot Star 82 so I now it's you, I'm screening.

- That was really weird last night. - I know, that was really weird.

- So you're in love? - I should be asking you that.

- Why should you ask me that? - You kept kissing that Lolita!

Come on, Michael Jordan was sucking your tonsils out.

Where did you find that guy anyway?

- Let's not get into that. - You're bringing it up

- I'm ready to be mature. - Me too Absolutely.

- How could you go with that freak? - How could you go with that bimbo?

Savannah is not a bimbo She happens to play the harp.

Excuse me A bimbo savant.

At least I'm not having a fucking hot tub party with Dennis Rodman.

- I can't believe you're jealous. - I'm not jealous Stop

I don't like her, I don't love her I'll probably never see her again.

- I was waiting for you. - Noon It was supposed to be.

My harp lesson ended a little early I bought myself some new underwear.

- I'm Savannah. - Kate.

- Adam told me all about you. - Really?

Go back to the coffee shop and wait for me I'll be there at noon.

- And get me a mochaccino. - Okay Nice meeting you, Cynthia.

It's Kate

I meant Kate.

Noon.

- That felt really bad. - I know, I'm sorry.

Don't be, we have to get used to it

I have to go and throw up now

Kate, I miss you so much You're my best friend.

- I only feel normal around you. - I know.

Hopefully over time this is all gonna work out.

It will We just have to let go of those old feelings we had.

Fine.

So this Jerome guy, was he just like huge?

I just wanna know as a friend Is that bad for a friend?

Was it like, nice surprise big or you better take me home now big?

Was it like I'm in over my head? Was it I'm in over my head big?

As you move on In your search for love

sex ls the fastest way to erase the past.

Promise you'll never leave me

I promise.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Great.

The only sex I've had in months and it's with you.

Being single again can be difficult, but it can also be empowering.

After my breakup I got out of the house as often as I could

going to places that took my mind off my loneliness.

Excuse me I'm looking for a joke gift for a friend's birthday.

- What's the kinkiest stuff you have? - Depends.

Do you mean kinky up the butt or just white bread kinky?

Just white bread kinky, please.

- Third aisle. - Thank you.

It's a butt plug.

Some guys like to put it up their butts.

Great Thanks.

So what's a nice girl like you doing at Earl's Pornorama?

I'm here to buy a joke gift for a friend of mine

- I'm not here to talk to strangers. - Why are you so nervous?

Are you attracted to me?

God, that is so arrogant!

I feel uncomfortable picking up plastic dicks

with some guy.

Wait a minute.

Don't I know you?

- Could be. - God.

Aren't you that guy in movies with the topless ninja girls?

Yeah I've done a lot since then That was some earlier stuff

I'm.

- I'm Joey Santino. - I know.

My ex-boyfriend forced me to watch all your movies.

Forced you to?

Well he loves you.

Well, not after we fall in love, he won't

I don't date actors

Joey wasn't very bright But I loved his innocence

I was going through my non-judgmental phase

and didn't want to push people away just for saying stupid things

I love you.

- You've only known me for 14 hours! - I know

I loved you in the first hour, but I waited 13 more to tell you.

You just think you're in love 'cause we've been having sex non-stop.

How can you be so cynical?

I've never felt this way in my entire life.

You're the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.

You see? That's why I don't date actors.

And you don't have to say you love me back Because

I just want you to know how I feel

that's all.

Unless you want to I won't stop you from saying

that you love me, if you want to.

I like you a lot though.

- Hello. - It's me.

Hey,Adam What's up?

Nothing much I haven't seen you for weeks Wanna grab dinner tomorrow?

That's so sweet, but I can't I'm going out.

What about Friday? Wanna see a movie on Friday?

No, I can't I'm going to Malibu for the weekend

Malibu? What's in Malibu?

A big beach

I saw that In a Thomas Guide once Who are you going with?

Some guy, you don't know him He's got a house over there.

- You like him? - What's with all the questions?

No reason I just want to know if you like this rich Malibu guy.

Yeah, I like him.

- Do you like him a lot? - Yeah,he's nice.

- Hello? - Do you love him?

I think so, yeah.

We've been together every day for the last couple of weeks.

That's great for you You know what? I gotta run.

'Cause I got a date with an actress You know.

- I'll call you when I get back. - Sure, great.

- I can't take it. - What?

I cannot

- I can't take it. - Just get in here

I thought I was over you I thought I was done.

God, this is horrible!

- Please, don't go to Malibu. - Are you crazy? It's a joke, right?

This is not a joke This is not.

What's wrong? You've been dating non-stop This is the first guy

I've even gotten close to. - I know I was wrong, I was silly

I was stupid I didn't know how I felt about you until right now.

- What about the actress? - It's canceled, it's over.

- You shouldn't Joey's on his way. - Joey?

His name is Joey? How could you date a guy named Joey?

Let's get back together again I love you Let's have babies.

Stop acting like an insane person! Go home and relax or something

- I love you. - Go on your date, you'll be fine.

- Could you just tell me one thing? - What?

What's his last name?

Just tell me his last name

Santino

Santino That's perfect Joey

Joey Santino, the actor?

My the titty ninja? You fucking hate him!

Actually he's a very good actor.

Clearly you haven't seen any of his later work.

What, his later work? Motherfucker!

My God! You're kidding me! How could you?

Adam, you have to go.

- You shouldn't fall in love. - Quit being such a hypocrite

I'm a guy! I fuck! I don't fall in love!

- Maybe you don't. - You think Mr Italian fucking

he's fucking you, he loves you? I don't think so!

- Whatever. - I'm fucking out of here, alright?

This is fucking horse-shit!

Don't fucking call!

- Are you Miss Kate Wells? - Yeah

I have a message for you from Adam Levy.

Even though we're only pals Only pals,only pals

I don't like the other gals You're my baby.

Don't go out with that dumb guy That dumb guy, that dumb guy

if you do I'll start to cry.

You're my baby.

Mr Levy would like you to have

an autographed picture of himself

and this Hold on, it gets better.

- Cheese sandwich. - Thank you.

- Hello. - Did the little guy sing?

What do you think?

- You got my picture up? - Adam?

Next to the boys?

Yes, I got the sandwich and I got your picture.

- Could you stop torturing me? - Come over.

Get rid of him We'll sport, we'll spoon, we'll do it all.

- We'll lay around all day. - Adam.

What are you wearing?

God, it's beautiful here.

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

There's nobody else here.

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

- De Niro! - Right.

De Niro is the best I swear, I love him He's.

De Niro.

Yeah He's a good actor.

Good?

Good? I mean, we're talking about Robert De Niro here.

Good? Come on He's a.

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are good Asparagus is good.

De Niro, he's not.

I mean, like "Cape Fear".

Counselor.

Come out, come out wherever you are

I know you, you piece of shit! I'm better than you all!

I can out-learn you, I can out-read you

I can out-think you

and I can out-philosophize you.

And I'm gonna outlast you!

That's good, right? And "Raging Bull", which is

the greatest performance of all time.

You're gonna get me down, Ray You're gonna get me down.

Are you alright? I know the Heimlich.

- You wanna ruin my relationship? - Your nose is so cute.

You never tried to get me back before What ego trip are you on?

- Can I kiss it? - What?

- Your nose. - Stop screwing up my life

I'm involved with somebody else.

Marry me? Please.

- Are you listening to me? - I get it, don't worry

I broke up with you 'cause I was inexperienced.

You were my third girlfriend How was I supposed to know better?

You had it so easy compared to me I was your 14th You were my 3rd.

- Look, you can't. - Just marry me

I'm sorry, I screwed up I can't live with this kind of mistake.

Don't you see? This is really bad timing.

You can't just wait until I'm involved with somebody else

then suddenly propose marriage or profess you love for me

I'll change How does that sound? We're gonna make up a contract

everything you don't like about me I'm gonna change.

Death penalty You're against it, I'm for it I'm against it now.

We're gonna go do candlelight vigils at the prison

- I don't want you to change. - You know what? I won't change

I'm enough I learned that from you We're gonna fly, take trips

I'll go to therapy, I'll get over my fear of planes and we'll travel

Adam, stop it Stop it right now.

Alright Let me just ask you then Straight out, all kidding aside

Katie will you marry me?

No.

I won't torture anymore then

if you're happy, I'm happy you're happy.

I made you miserable and I'm sorry.

- I just want you to know something. - What?

I can't be friends I'm just too weak.

- Adam. - I can't even be around you.

You're here like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich

that I wanna eat, and I can't because my lips are sewn shut.

- That's a pretty analogy. - You know what I mean.

Have a nice life.

Don't say that You know we'll see each other again.

Yeah, right

ls infatuation love? No But it feels like it ls.

All those chemicals In your brain turn every word he says into poetry.

Did I ever tell you what I used to do with my little brother?

Whenever he did something wrong, I'd put dog shit under his pillow

I'd say "Jimmy, go put you head under the pillow and count to 2O".

Half the time he'd get to 1O before he realized what happened.

That was pretty stupid

Jimmy? No.

He's a lawyer now He's the smartest of all of us.

Now you remember me?

Relations based entirely on sex end the minute the sex gets boring.

So if you want it to last beyond boring sex.

You'd better try to connect on a deeper level

I brought us some cheese sandwich.

Thanks.

Do you think people can stay passionate about each other forever?

Yeah As long as they work on the relationship

and don't get fat

I wonder

I'm not sure it's natural I'd like to think it's possible though.

I think that, over time, we'll come to take each other for granted.

And after the years of staying together saying

"I love you" is like saying "cheese sandwich", you know?

Do you know that Robert De Niro is lactose intolerant?

After the infatuation chemicals In my brain stopped multiplying

I began to get over my non-judgmental phase

Joey and I were gonna have a real conversation soon

I'm gonna die.

- Are you listening to me? - What?

I'm gonna die.

When?

Someday.

We're all gonna die Watch the movie.

Doesn't that bother you?

- I don't think about these things. - Why not?

Look, we're in the middle of a movie.

That's when I think about death the most.

All these people staring into the darkness freaks me out.

- Don't you get that? - No Okay? I don't get that.

Why should I get that? I don't wanna get that.

That's the problem We are supposed to get each other.

You don't get me, I don't get you.

What? What the fuck are you talking about?

You know what my problem is? I'm a floater

I float through life like a corpse on a river

bumping into rocks and logs I don't choose my path.

- Shut up! - I just bump into stuff, like you

I bump into you in a porno shop, Boom! I have sex with you.

Boom! I'm in a relationship with you I don't think, I just boom!

- Shut the fuck up! - So that's what I am to you?

I'm just some goddamn log you bumped into in a porno store?

You're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater.

- They're subscription. - That's prescription, you idiot!

Okay, Mrs Thesaurus I'm an idiot You know, that's it.

Hasta la vista, baby Here is a man who will no take it anymore.

You're all gonna die Think about it.

You're all gonna die And nobody will remember you

because they'll all be dead too! Excuse me.

Hi, this ls Adam I'm not home,so leave your message after the beep.

Hi,Adam It's me

Adam,are you there?

I didn't wanna call anybody else.

Are you okay?

- What's wrong, baby? - We broke up.

- God. - I broke up with Joey.

That's horrible.

- I'm such a failure. - You're not a failure

I am I am a relationship leper.

Not true You have more relationship potential than anybody I know.

Fuck potential Anyone can have potential.

Are you kidding? Your only problem is bad timing.

Two people could be perfect, and if the timing's wrong, it won't work.

Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single.

Normal people?

Weirdos are single because they're weird

but people like us

we're single because we're victims of bad timing.

Since when did you have things so figured out?

Since you fell in love and I've lain in bed awake every night and wonder

if I'd ever find anybody who I feel as normal with.

No Bad timing, Adam

if the timing's ever right, you just let me know, okay?

How about now? You think?

Okay, that's cool Take as much time as you want.

Love ls ecstasy and agony

freedom and imprisonment

longing and loneliness.

It's what keeps us together when life tears us apart.

So, when you find that perfect man, hold on tight.

And then call me so I can see what he looks like and laugh

because he doesn't exist, you sad, perky

little optimistic suckers.

I quit I couldn't do the assignment

I've always felt like a fraud here Everything I wrote was crap.

And I'm a total sellout, I can't do it anymore.

And honestly I'm sorry if I've caused you any problems.

Wait a minute She's way too fat.

Everything you've written here has been bullshit?

- Nothing has had a grain of truth? - Nothing.

So your research on blow job being able to cure depression

is completely made up.

No, actually, that one was true.

But it only works for the suckee.

The sucker always stays depressed.

I told you that

I'm here.

Actually, could I ask you a few questions if it's okay?

Sure Go ahead.

- Are you married? - No.

- Do you have any children around? - No.

Do you feel the need to have sex with a lot of different women?

- No. - Are you a liar?

Yes.

Just kidding.

Good You've got a sense of humor.

That was my next question Can you listen?

I'm sorry, what?

- You see how I? - I get it Just one more, I promise.

Do you have a problem with complicated women?

Great Let's go.

May I ask you one question?

Of course I'm sorry, ask anything you want.

Have you allowed Jesus Christ into your heart?

- God! - If I could have one moment.

- No Get out! - May I?

- If the next knock is the devil. - Go!

- Listen, have you allowed. - Go! Now!

Thank you.

Hi, are you Kate Wells?

- Yeah And you're Rob, right? - That's right.

Thank you.

- Thanks for coming. - Nice to meet you.

- You're good. - Thank you.

And nasty.

I like my men good and nasty.

Thank you.

- You got a girlfriend? - Yeah, I do.

She's on a date now however.

So where's your blind date?

- I told him I was sick. - Yeah, you're sick alright.

Yeah, from wanting you back.

That was incredible

I'm very proud of myself.

- I did good, right? - Yeah, you did alright.

- It was different. - I surprised you, I know it.

- You seemed scared. - I wonder where you learned that.

We should break up more often.

We should

- I love you. - Me too.

Get out.

- So with Joey, was is it now? 16? - Shut up.

No, seriously

15 I was 14.

What about Peaches? Tell me about Peaches

- I don't wanna know about her. - No, you do.

Where do you think I learned that thing I did?