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[Ennui Le Triste]
Previously on Kidding...
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00:00:06,442 --> 00:00:07,818
Don't do drugs!
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00:00:07,901 --> 00:00:09,526
[Jeff] We're gonna build
Listen-To-Me Pickles.
4
00:00:09,609 --> 00:00:11,275
I should go talk to Peter.
5
00:00:11,359 --> 00:00:12,401
[nurse] I don't think your wife
wants that to happen,
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00:00:12,484 --> 00:00:14,234
but he wants to
talk to you though.
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00:00:14,317 --> 00:00:16,025
[Josip] I learned English
from watching your show.
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00:00:16,109 --> 00:00:17,859
[Seb]
His name is Josip Butkevich.
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00:00:17,943 --> 00:00:20,025
He's some Croatian voice actor.
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00:00:20,109 --> 00:00:21,984
I have to write
a $600,000 check
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00:00:22,067 --> 00:00:24,150
so the IRS won't pummel me.
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00:00:24,234 --> 00:00:25,567
You're gonna put Puppet Time
back on the air.
13
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,150
Not Dad.
You.
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00:00:28,234 --> 00:00:31,067
♪ classical music ♪
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00:00:31,150 --> 00:00:33,109
♪♪♪
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00:00:33,192 --> 00:00:35,734
♪ Jack and Jill
went up the hill ♪
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00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,818
♪ To fetch a pail of water ♪
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00:00:38,901 --> 00:00:40,901
♪ Jack fell down
and broke his crown ♪
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00:00:40,984 --> 00:00:43,984
♪ And Jill came
tumbling after ♪
20
00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:47,025
[whimsical orchestration]
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00:00:47,109 --> 00:00:50,359
♪♪♪
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00:00:52,150 --> 00:00:54,275
- [indistinct shouting]
- [alarm blaring]
23
00:00:54,359 --> 00:00:56,025
speaking native language
24
00:00:57,943 --> 00:01:01,651
[gunfire]
[people shouting]
25
00:01:01,734 --> 00:01:05,025
[siren continues blaring]
26
00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,109
[man shouting
in native language]
27
00:01:10,943 --> 00:01:12,192
[Jeff]
We need friends...
28
00:01:13,693 --> 00:01:15,609
Friends to laugh with,
29
00:01:15,693 --> 00:01:17,317
friends to share with,
30
00:01:17,401 --> 00:01:19,651
friends to play with,
31
00:01:19,734 --> 00:01:21,526
friends to learn with.
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00:01:21,609 --> 00:01:24,442
We need friends because
friends help us grow.
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00:01:24,526 --> 00:01:25,859
[girl giggles]
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00:01:25,943 --> 00:01:27,734
[Snagglehorse]
Friends help us grow?
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00:01:27,818 --> 00:01:28,859
[Uke-Larry]
True friends do.
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00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:30,901
[both]
True friend do.
37
00:01:30,984 --> 00:01:33,067
[Snagglehorse] But what's
a true friend, Mr. Pickles?
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00:01:33,150 --> 00:01:34,943
[kids laugh]
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00:01:35,025 --> 00:01:36,901
[Jeff] ♪ A friend is someone
that could tell you ♪
40
00:01:36,984 --> 00:01:38,901
- [Jeff] When there's jelly...
- [Uke-Larry] On your face.
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00:01:38,984 --> 00:01:41,025
[laughter]
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00:01:41,109 --> 00:01:43,693
[Uke-Larry] A friend is someone
you can tell any...
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00:01:43,776 --> 00:01:46,943
- [boom]
- [kids whimper]
44
00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:51,234
[kids groan]
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00:01:53,484 --> 00:01:54,484
[pounding]
46
00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:55,901
[Gregur]
Josip.
47
00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:04,109
♪ When you need someone
to talk to ♪
48
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,734
♪ You can always depend
on a friend ♪
49
00:02:06,818 --> 00:02:08,234
♪ A true friend ♪
50
00:02:08,317 --> 00:02:11,567
♪ A friend is someone
you call on the phone ♪
51
00:02:11,651 --> 00:02:13,442
♪ To be by your side
when you're feeling alone ♪
52
00:02:13,526 --> 00:02:16,484
- [boom]
- [kids screaming]
53
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,943
[boom!]
54
00:02:22,693 --> 00:02:24,442
[kids yelling,
voices retreat]
55
00:02:24,526 --> 00:02:27,693
[alarm blaring distantly]
56
00:02:27,776 --> 00:02:30,609
[helicopter blades thrumming]
[man shouts in native language]
57
00:02:34,150 --> 00:02:36,025
[man continues to shout
distantly]
58
00:02:41,651 --> 00:02:44,192
♪ somber music ♪
59
00:02:44,275 --> 00:02:47,401
♪ A friend is someone
who will care for you so ♪
60
00:02:47,484 --> 00:02:51,442
♪ When you feel a little broken,
they can make you feel whole ♪
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00:02:51,526 --> 00:02:54,234
♪ When the day feels lonely,
you can always depend ♪
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00:02:54,317 --> 00:02:56,859
♪ On a friend, a true-- ♪
63
00:02:57,859 --> 00:03:00,192
[door opens, closes]
64
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:11,192
[lively folk music
playing over radio]
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00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:16,317
♪♪♪
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00:03:26,818 --> 00:03:28,067
- [grunts]
- [xylophone dings]
67
00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:31,442
- [whimpers]
- [pleasant tone]
68
00:03:31,526 --> 00:03:33,442
[Jeff]
Hello from Ohio.
69
00:03:33,526 --> 00:03:35,234
It's almost time
to have supper where you live,
70
00:03:35,317 --> 00:03:36,734
Serbia and Croatia.
71
00:03:36,818 --> 00:03:38,359
What are you having?
72
00:03:38,442 --> 00:03:41,442
I'm having a song for dinner.
A supper song.
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00:03:41,526 --> 00:03:46,734
♪♪♪
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00:03:47,776 --> 00:03:49,359
[imitates Jeff]
Do you think I sound like him?
75
00:03:52,734 --> 00:03:55,442
[Jeff] ♪ A friend is someone
you can call on the phone ♪
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00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:58,651
♪ To be by your side
when you're feeling alone ♪
77
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:02,442
[together] ♪ A friend is someone
who will care for your soul ♪
78
00:04:02,526 --> 00:04:07,359
♪ When you feel broken,
they'll make you feel whole ♪
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00:04:07,442 --> 00:04:11,442
♪♪♪
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00:04:19,234 --> 00:04:20,734
Let's call it even.
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00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:24,734
[door bell]
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00:04:32,025 --> 00:04:33,943
- ♪ soft dramatic music ♪
- Hello, Jeff.
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00:04:34,025 --> 00:04:36,734
This is Josip Butkevich.
84
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:40,484
You may remember me from
my puppet-based erotica website.
85
00:04:40,567 --> 00:04:44,067
I'm sorry your animated series
did not work out,
86
00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:47,109
and I hope that things
are better with your father.
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00:04:47,192 --> 00:04:49,651
I know you won't
respond to this,
88
00:04:49,734 --> 00:04:53,234
but if you ever need a friend,
you have one
89
00:04:53,317 --> 00:04:57,693
on the border between
Serbia and Croatia.
90
00:04:57,776 --> 00:05:00,609
♪ quirky music ♪
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00:05:00,693 --> 00:05:05,442
♪♪♪
92
00:05:12,693 --> 00:05:14,442
[cheers and applause]
93
00:05:14,526 --> 00:05:17,275
So, Mr. Pickles,
let's talk about this new doll.
94
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:21,150
It's kind of like Alexa,
but instead of a computer,
95
00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:24,734
there's a middle-aged man
listening on the other end.
96
00:05:24,818 --> 00:05:27,192
[laughter]
97
00:05:27,275 --> 00:05:29,901
Children deserve to be heard.
I chose to listen.
98
00:05:29,984 --> 00:05:32,275
[applause]
99
00:05:32,359 --> 00:05:34,776
You know, I-sorry,
but as a mother,
100
00:05:34,859 --> 00:05:36,651
and also
the first celebrity Barbie...
101
00:05:36,734 --> 00:05:39,943
[cheers and applause]
Oh.
102
00:05:40,025 --> 00:05:44,150
But I just have to say that
it's kind of surprising to me
103
00:05:44,234 --> 00:05:46,401
that parents are okay with this.
104
00:05:46,484 --> 00:05:48,317
[audience ohhs, chatters]
105
00:05:48,401 --> 00:05:50,776
They don't seem to mind giving
their children smartphones
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00:05:50,859 --> 00:05:54,567
with access to pornography
and livestream school shootings.
107
00:05:54,651 --> 00:05:57,442
Listen-To-Me Pickles was meant
to be an antidote to all that,
108
00:05:57,526 --> 00:06:00,526
a way to bypass
the depravity of social media,
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00:06:00,609 --> 00:06:04,567
to give children the attention
they crave and so deserve.
110
00:06:08,025 --> 00:06:11,317
You had a show on air
for 30 years,
111
00:06:11,401 --> 00:06:13,275
and...now it's not.
112
00:06:13,359 --> 00:06:14,984
How is that affecting you?
113
00:06:17,693 --> 00:06:19,359
I miss seeing my friends,
114
00:06:19,442 --> 00:06:21,067
Snagglehorse
and Ennui Le Triste.
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00:06:21,150 --> 00:06:23,526
Uke-Larry and Astronotter.
116
00:06:23,609 --> 00:06:25,359
- [audience] Aw...
- But I created a world
117
00:06:25,442 --> 00:06:28,359
where children could see me
and I couldn't see them.
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00:06:28,442 --> 00:06:31,526
Now I've created a way for us
to really connect
119
00:06:31,609 --> 00:06:33,818
and talk to each other.
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00:06:33,901 --> 00:06:36,693
[chuckling] I have more friends
now than I've ever had.
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00:06:36,776 --> 00:06:38,734
- [audience] Aww.
- [applause]
122
00:06:39,901 --> 00:06:44,192
Well, Mr. Pickles, you're gonna
have 200 more friends to talk to
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00:06:44,275 --> 00:06:46,359
because everyone
in our studio audience
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00:06:46,442 --> 00:06:50,192
is getting a free
Listen-To-Me Pickles doll!
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00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:53,359
[bright music plays
over speakers]
126
00:06:53,442 --> 00:06:55,442
♪♪♪
127
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:00,776
Jeff, you don't have
a lot of friends, do you?
128
00:07:00,859 --> 00:07:03,359
Oh, I have millions of them
in terms of Pickle pals.
129
00:07:03,442 --> 00:07:05,818
And I have my sister.
130
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:07,359
And the children I speak to
131
00:07:07,442 --> 00:07:09,567
over an internet-connected doll.
132
00:07:09,651 --> 00:07:13,567
So...no, I guess I don't.
133
00:07:13,651 --> 00:07:15,234
You know,
an important part of recovery
134
00:07:15,317 --> 00:07:17,401
is just having somebody
to talk to.
135
00:07:17,484 --> 00:07:20,818
How's your pain
at the incision point?
136
00:07:20,901 --> 00:07:22,567
[grunts]
Ah--a lot.
137
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,859
- Even with the oxycodone?
- I haven't been taking those.
138
00:07:24,943 --> 00:07:26,567
Are you experiencing
side effects?
139
00:07:26,651 --> 00:07:28,401
I believe opiates
are overprescribed
140
00:07:28,484 --> 00:07:30,025
and highly addictive.
141
00:07:30,109 --> 00:07:31,234
They've robbed children
of their parents
142
00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,609
and parents of their children.
143
00:07:32,693 --> 00:07:34,192
I don't wanna be a part of that.
144
00:07:34,275 --> 00:07:36,067
But Jeff, you're gonna
feel a lot of pain.
145
00:07:36,150 --> 00:07:38,484
Isn't there some kind
of alternative?
146
00:07:38,567 --> 00:07:41,734
Something non-addictive,
organic, all-natural?
147
00:07:41,818 --> 00:07:43,401
I believe I can
accommodate that.
148
00:07:43,484 --> 00:07:45,234
Thank you.
149
00:07:45,317 --> 00:07:47,401
I'm gonna prescribe you
medical marijuana.
150
00:07:47,484 --> 00:07:50,150
♪ mellow music ♪
151
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:51,943
[softly] Oh, God.
152
00:07:52,025 --> 00:07:52,901
[Listen-To-Me Pickles blips]
153
00:07:52,984 --> 00:07:55,943
[Jeff] Hey, Peter?
154
00:07:56,025 --> 00:07:57,818
You wanna
go to lunch sometime?
155
00:07:57,901 --> 00:08:02,109
♪♪♪
156
00:08:02,192 --> 00:08:05,109
[piano lounge music playing]
157
00:08:05,192 --> 00:08:06,901
[indistinct chatter]
158
00:08:06,984 --> 00:08:09,275
♪♪♪
159
00:08:09,359 --> 00:08:11,442
So how long you in Seattle?
160
00:08:11,526 --> 00:08:13,359
- Till I go to New York.
- What's in New York?
161
00:08:13,442 --> 00:08:15,150
Your competition.
162
00:08:15,234 --> 00:08:16,984
I'd write you a check right now
if it meant we could stream
163
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:20,359
the last 30 years
of Puppet Time on our service.
164
00:08:20,442 --> 00:08:21,567
It's the new stuff
I'm uncomfortable
165
00:08:21,651 --> 00:08:24,109
putting Amazon's name on.
166
00:08:24,192 --> 00:08:26,317
I will buy the archives.
167
00:08:26,401 --> 00:08:28,609
I told your dad I would.
168
00:08:28,693 --> 00:08:32,275
But I'm not putting you
back on the air.
169
00:08:32,359 --> 00:08:34,109
You're worried about
Jeff having a filter.
170
00:08:34,192 --> 00:08:36,693
Right now,
he doesn't have a filter,
171
00:08:36,776 --> 00:08:39,025
and he's broadcasting every day
172
00:08:39,109 --> 00:08:40,984
through a network
of talking dolls
173
00:08:41,067 --> 00:08:42,818
because what the fuck?
174
00:08:42,901 --> 00:08:44,693
[chuckles softly]
175
00:08:44,776 --> 00:08:47,818
And who buys the dolls?
The parents.
176
00:08:47,901 --> 00:08:49,859
And what website
are they buying them on?
177
00:08:49,943 --> 00:08:51,693
Ours.
178
00:08:52,651 --> 00:08:55,901
- How many dolls have you sold?
- I can't tell you that.
179
00:08:55,984 --> 00:08:57,984
But you know the answer.
180
00:08:58,067 --> 00:09:00,901
Here are the rules.
We shoot in Columbus.
181
00:09:00,984 --> 00:09:03,818
Nobody tells Jeff
there are things he can't say.
182
00:09:03,901 --> 00:09:05,859
I didn't realize
we were negotiating.
183
00:09:05,943 --> 00:09:08,150
We keep total creative control.
184
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:09,859
- Let me think about it.
- I'm not done.
185
00:09:09,943 --> 00:09:12,651
And every child in America
needs to be able
186
00:09:12,734 --> 00:09:15,651
to watch the show
for free.
187
00:09:15,734 --> 00:09:20,359
♪♪♪
188
00:09:20,442 --> 00:09:22,567
When are you leaving
for New York?
189
00:09:22,651 --> 00:09:24,192
Wouldn't you like to know?
190
00:09:29,275 --> 00:09:31,526
[Peter] So lunch, huh?
I love lunch.
191
00:09:31,609 --> 00:09:35,275
You wanna go out or stay in?
192
00:09:35,359 --> 00:09:36,609
[Jeff]
I only have cereal.
193
00:09:38,275 --> 00:09:39,693
[Peter]
Yeah, that's fine.
194
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:50,192
What's it like
having me inside you?
195
00:09:50,275 --> 00:09:52,067
The same,
196
00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:54,401
except for the odd moment
I catch myself
197
00:09:54,484 --> 00:09:56,859
doing something
I've never done before,
198
00:09:56,943 --> 00:09:58,901
like learning to walk again.
199
00:10:02,067 --> 00:10:03,317
That was me joking.
200
00:10:03,401 --> 00:10:04,776
- [exhales]
- Sort of.
201
00:10:06,818 --> 00:10:08,359
So you didn't have to learn
how to walk again?
202
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:10,651
No, I did.
203
00:10:12,818 --> 00:10:15,901
Do you remember
stealing my rocket ship?
204
00:10:15,984 --> 00:10:17,776
Ennui calling me a cocksucker?
205
00:10:20,109 --> 00:10:21,109
I don't think so.
206
00:10:21,192 --> 00:10:22,859
Oh.
207
00:10:22,943 --> 00:10:25,192
There was a second when
I thought our souls were fusing.
208
00:10:25,275 --> 00:10:29,150
No, my soul was crushed when
you ran over it with your car.
209
00:10:29,234 --> 00:10:30,901
Sorry.
210
00:10:30,984 --> 00:10:33,901
[sighs] I should've known
weed was a big deal for you
211
00:10:33,984 --> 00:10:37,818
after all those anti-drug PSAs
that you did in the '90s,
212
00:10:37,901 --> 00:10:41,818
not to mention how upset
you were over Will smoking up.
213
00:10:41,901 --> 00:10:43,109
I...
214
00:10:43,192 --> 00:10:45,609
I shouldn't have
offered you that joint.
215
00:10:45,693 --> 00:10:47,359
Thanks for saying that.
216
00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:51,734
Can you help me find
some weed?
217
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,651
Hi.
Uh...
218
00:10:54,734 --> 00:10:56,943
I'm a doctor,
219
00:10:57,025 --> 00:10:59,567
and a patient of mine...
220
00:10:59,651 --> 00:11:01,901
[softly] who's a well-known
public figure...
221
00:11:01,984 --> 00:11:04,859
[normal voice]
is waiting outside.
222
00:11:04,943 --> 00:11:07,651
Um...
223
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:09,192
[softly] It's important
for his reputation
224
00:11:09,275 --> 00:11:12,025
that no one sees him...
225
00:11:12,109 --> 00:11:14,651
[whispering] buy marijuana,
so could we, like,
226
00:11:14,734 --> 00:11:16,567
possibly clear
the establishment?
227
00:11:16,651 --> 00:11:18,526
Sorry, Doctor.
State law
228
00:11:18,609 --> 00:11:21,067
provides these patients
with the right to be here.
229
00:11:21,150 --> 00:11:22,818
We could lose our license.
230
00:11:22,901 --> 00:11:24,484
[mumbles]
231
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,401
[sighs] Well,
232
00:11:26,484 --> 00:11:29,109
don't wanna break the law.
233
00:11:29,192 --> 00:11:31,776
Who is it?
234
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,317
♪ mellow music ♪
235
00:11:34,401 --> 00:11:35,859
[sighs]
236
00:11:35,943 --> 00:11:37,734
Am I gonna regret this?
237
00:11:37,818 --> 00:11:40,984
If it makes a difference,
I've watched Puppet Time
238
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,943
plenty of times while medicated.
239
00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:45,109
Me too.
240
00:11:45,192 --> 00:11:46,984
All right.
241
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,776
[woman] I always learn
something new about myself
242
00:11:49,859 --> 00:11:51,567
and about Pickle Barrel Falls.
243
00:11:51,651 --> 00:11:53,609
- Like what?
- Like how none of the puppets
244
00:11:53,693 --> 00:11:56,734
on the show are mothers,
which is weird.
245
00:11:56,818 --> 00:12:00,442
But then you realize
the water is your mom
246
00:12:00,526 --> 00:12:02,317
because it's everywhere
247
00:12:02,401 --> 00:12:04,067
and it takes you anywhere
that you wanna go.
248
00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:06,275
But it also can't speak,
249
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:09,317
so it's kinda like how
the hardest part of parenting
250
00:12:09,401 --> 00:12:11,567
is sending your kid
down the river of life
251
00:12:11,651 --> 00:12:13,984
and being both on the journey,
252
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,693
but unable to steer the ship.
253
00:12:17,776 --> 00:12:20,442
Also,
Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death.
254
00:12:20,526 --> 00:12:22,109
Oh.
255
00:12:22,192 --> 00:12:24,526
[Peter] And Hopscotch the
Sasquatch might have leprosy
256
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:26,693
'cause he's just down
to the one leg,
257
00:12:26,776 --> 00:12:28,693
but, you know, what do I know?
258
00:12:28,776 --> 00:12:31,192
I'm just high and a doctor.
259
00:12:31,275 --> 00:12:32,943
I definitely don't
wanna smoke anything.
260
00:12:33,025 --> 00:12:35,067
You don't have
to smoke anything.
261
00:12:35,150 --> 00:12:38,109
♪♪♪
262
00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:39,693
How's your recovery?
263
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:45,859
Well, I've, uh, lost
most of my liver.
264
00:12:45,943 --> 00:12:48,442
I had to quit smoking
cold turkey, stop drinking.
265
00:12:48,526 --> 00:12:50,526
I have acute
erectile dysfunction
266
00:12:50,609 --> 00:12:52,734
and I lost my job,
267
00:12:52,818 --> 00:12:55,359
but other than
those five examples,
268
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,234
I'm really good.
269
00:12:57,317 --> 00:12:59,567
And you and Jill are...
the same?
270
00:12:59,651 --> 00:13:01,984
- We're a lot stronger now...
- Mm.
271
00:13:02,067 --> 00:13:04,401
That I quit drinking,
stopped smoking,
272
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,901
spent more time at home
since I've lost my job.
273
00:13:07,984 --> 00:13:10,693
Her teaching me
to walk upstairs again
274
00:13:10,776 --> 00:13:13,609
was a real relationship booster.
275
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:17,651
Well, between you, me,
and Ennui Le Stoned,
276
00:13:17,734 --> 00:13:20,818
I too am having
a little issue with ED.
277
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,317
Not uncommon
after major surgery.
278
00:13:23,401 --> 00:13:25,609
Obviously,
it's different for you.
279
00:13:25,693 --> 00:13:28,275
Your car has a garage
to pull into.
280
00:13:28,359 --> 00:13:31,234
I'm parked on the street
at night
281
00:13:31,317 --> 00:13:32,776
and in the shower.
282
00:13:32,859 --> 00:13:34,067
Here.
283
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:35,984
It's a tea
so you don't have to smoke it.
284
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:39,442
And you dip it in water,
so it'll remind you of your mom.
285
00:13:39,526 --> 00:13:42,818
Will you sip drugs with me?
286
00:13:42,901 --> 00:13:44,859
I don't wanna be alone
my first time.
287
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:49,109
Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you.
288
00:13:49,192 --> 00:13:52,109
♪ bright music ♪
289
00:13:52,192 --> 00:13:54,859
♪♪♪
290
00:13:54,943 --> 00:13:58,442
This reminds me of the night
I lost my virginity.
291
00:13:58,526 --> 00:14:00,067
Was she a pot-sipper?
292
00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:02,275
No, but we did it
in her grandmother's house
293
00:14:02,359 --> 00:14:04,567
and she had the same tea set.
294
00:14:04,651 --> 00:14:07,984
Nothing like a post-coital
digestive biscuit
295
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:10,275
from Nana's treat jar.
296
00:14:10,359 --> 00:14:12,734
I lost my virginity
to an older woman.
297
00:14:14,401 --> 00:14:16,067
Really?
298
00:14:16,150 --> 00:14:17,859
I guess that I assumed
Jill was your one and only.
299
00:14:17,943 --> 00:14:20,651
She was my second
and most special.
300
00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:23,901
Mm-hmm.
Who was your first?
301
00:14:23,984 --> 00:14:27,526
I don't think I should say.
She was an actress.
302
00:14:27,609 --> 00:14:30,150
Oh.
Would I know her?
303
00:14:30,234 --> 00:14:32,818
She starred in a movie
304
00:14:32,901 --> 00:14:34,901
about the sound of music.
305
00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:41,150
Did you lose your virginity
to Julie Andrews?
306
00:14:44,317 --> 00:14:45,859
Mary Poppins?
307
00:14:45,943 --> 00:14:48,567
My sister calls her
Cherry Poppins.
308
00:14:48,651 --> 00:14:49,567
[whispers]
How old were you?
309
00:14:49,651 --> 00:14:52,067
I was 16 going on 17.
310
00:14:52,150 --> 00:14:53,442
You're kidding.
311
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:54,776
Yes.
312
00:14:54,859 --> 00:14:58,401
I was 28.
She was 59, but vivacious.
313
00:14:58,484 --> 00:15:00,526
You're familiar with
the 1995 Broadway season?
314
00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,109
I'm not.
No.
315
00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:05,984
I got to go backstage during
her run of Victor/Victoria.
316
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:09,526
Let's just say between
me and her Tony nomination,
317
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,109
one she famously declined,
the other was me.
318
00:15:13,192 --> 00:15:15,025
Which one was she dressed as?
Victor or Victoria?
319
00:15:15,109 --> 00:15:17,234
A gentleman never tells.
320
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,234
[door closes]
321
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:19,234
Mm.
322
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:23,067
What are you two doing?
323
00:15:23,150 --> 00:15:25,234
Drinking weed.
324
00:15:25,317 --> 00:15:27,609
Cool.
325
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:29,150
Don't forget to take these.
326
00:15:29,234 --> 00:15:32,067
They're so your liver doesn't
fall out of your ass.
327
00:15:32,150 --> 00:15:33,651
Enjoy whatever this is.
328
00:15:33,734 --> 00:15:36,067
Hey.
329
00:15:36,150 --> 00:15:37,609
Do you like my haircut?
330
00:15:40,526 --> 00:15:42,651
Later, Pancake.
331
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:44,609
[door rattles, closes]
332
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,567
[whispers]
I like your haircut.
333
00:15:46,651 --> 00:15:47,901
Why do you call her
"Pancake"?
334
00:15:47,984 --> 00:15:49,943
'Cause on our first date,
335
00:15:50,025 --> 00:15:52,234
we had pancakes.
336
00:15:52,317 --> 00:15:54,192
I'm not feeling anything
from this tea.
337
00:15:54,275 --> 00:15:57,025
I don't think I'm high,
but I have an idea.
338
00:15:57,109 --> 00:15:58,943
We find the tallest building
in the city.
339
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:00,901
We ride the elevator
all the way to the top.
340
00:16:00,984 --> 00:16:02,901
And if the elevator
is fast enough,
341
00:16:02,984 --> 00:16:05,651
it should push the blood
from our brains to our penises,
342
00:16:05,734 --> 00:16:09,401
solving our erectile disorders.
343
00:16:09,484 --> 00:16:11,317
No, you're high.
344
00:16:11,401 --> 00:16:14,275
♪ Beethoven's
Fur Elise ♪
345
00:16:14,359 --> 00:16:18,484
♪♪♪
346
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,192
See you tomorrow
at the mediation.
347
00:16:20,275 --> 00:16:21,984
Don't sound so excited.
348
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:23,776
Well, I'm not excited.
349
00:16:23,859 --> 00:16:26,192
I'll be excited when
you close that Amazon deal
350
00:16:26,275 --> 00:16:27,943
and I get half of it.
351
00:16:28,025 --> 00:16:29,567
I'll be excited about
getting half the cash
352
00:16:29,651 --> 00:16:32,317
you squirreled away instead
of giving it to charity.
353
00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:34,484
But I'm not excited about
the mediation itself.
354
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:37,651
That sounds boring.
355
00:16:37,734 --> 00:16:39,984
Aren't you gonna ask
why I'm in a tuxedo?
356
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:43,067
I didn't notice.
357
00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:45,859
[door hinges creak]
358
00:16:45,943 --> 00:16:48,776
♪ rapid piano music ♪
359
00:16:48,859 --> 00:16:53,901
♪♪♪
360
00:17:08,192 --> 00:17:09,609
Tonight's honoree
361
00:17:09,693 --> 00:17:12,693
is one of the most selfless
individuals I have met
362
00:17:12,776 --> 00:17:15,609
in my 42 years helping children.
363
00:17:15,693 --> 00:17:19,067
Her generous donation
of nearly $1 million...
364
00:17:23,401 --> 00:17:26,025
Will go directly
to a new program
365
00:17:26,109 --> 00:17:30,025
focused on Columbus'
most at-risk youth.
366
00:17:30,109 --> 00:17:33,734
Deirdre's Kids:
No child left behind.
367
00:17:33,818 --> 00:17:35,067
Ladies and gentlemen,
368
00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:37,567
Columbus'
Philanthropist of the Year,
369
00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:39,359
Deirdre Piccirillo.
370
00:17:39,442 --> 00:17:42,192
[applause]
371
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:51,025
- I've devoted my life...
- [applause fades]
372
00:17:51,109 --> 00:17:55,317
To giving a voice
to the voiceless,
373
00:17:55,401 --> 00:17:58,859
a hand to the handless,
374
00:17:58,943 --> 00:18:00,150
hope...
375
00:18:00,234 --> 00:18:02,818
[sighs]
Why didn't you clap for me?
376
00:18:02,901 --> 00:18:06,609
[piano lounge music playing]
377
00:18:06,693 --> 00:18:08,734
Really?
Nothing?
378
00:18:08,818 --> 00:18:10,693
I just won an award
379
00:18:10,776 --> 00:18:13,484
and a bunch of poor kids
got Chromebooks.
380
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:17,859
♪♪♪
381
00:18:17,943 --> 00:18:19,943
Nothing?
Nada?
382
00:18:20,025 --> 00:18:22,567
I thought you were just
avoiding tax evasion.
383
00:18:22,651 --> 00:18:24,234
I'm talking to him.
384
00:18:24,317 --> 00:18:27,859
Is this because you were wrong
about the listening doll?
385
00:18:27,943 --> 00:18:29,484
Is it because I'm getting
the show back on the air
386
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:30,984
and you couldn't?
387
00:18:31,067 --> 00:18:34,401
No. I did not make
too many demands.
388
00:18:34,484 --> 00:18:36,776
I demanded our worth.
389
00:18:36,859 --> 00:18:38,651
He didn't say anything.
390
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:42,567
[forced chuckle]
I'm aware.
391
00:18:42,651 --> 00:18:44,067
Would you please say
something?
392
00:18:44,150 --> 00:18:45,401
Anything?
Please?
393
00:18:45,484 --> 00:18:47,734
They spelled your name wrong.
394
00:18:51,859 --> 00:18:53,734
Where the fuck is Jeff?
395
00:18:53,818 --> 00:18:57,818
Your hand is glued
to that trophy, isn't it?
396
00:18:57,901 --> 00:18:59,484
No!
397
00:19:01,818 --> 00:19:03,776
I feel like I'm supposed
to be someplace.
398
00:19:03,859 --> 00:19:05,192
- [elevator dings]
- [Peter chuckles]
399
00:19:07,317 --> 00:19:10,275
- Sorry, elevator's closed.
- For science.
400
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,818
- [exhales]
- Okay, moment of truth.
401
00:19:13,901 --> 00:19:16,109
I'm nervous.
402
00:19:16,192 --> 00:19:19,192
[elevator whirring]
403
00:19:23,693 --> 00:19:25,693
[exhales]
404
00:19:25,776 --> 00:19:28,025
[elevator stops, dings]
405
00:19:28,109 --> 00:19:29,526
- [doors open]
- [gasps]
406
00:19:29,609 --> 00:19:32,484
Oh.
407
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:34,025
You're a genius.
408
00:19:34,109 --> 00:19:36,859
No.
I failed.
409
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,651
[sighs]
Fix me, Peter.
410
00:19:41,901 --> 00:19:44,567
- [grunts, sighs]
- [elevator dings]
411
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,442
[elevator whirs]
412
00:19:46,526 --> 00:19:49,651
It's the night of the
Von Trapp's big party.
413
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:51,943
[whispering] Fraulein Maria
is out on the patio
414
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,859
teaching Friedrich
the Laendler.
415
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,484
Stop.
Don't do that.
416
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:58,109
Captain appears in the doorway,
taps his son on the shoulder...
417
00:19:58,192 --> 00:19:59,567
[sighs]
418
00:19:59,651 --> 00:20:02,192
Takes Maria's hand
in his crisp, white glove.
419
00:20:02,275 --> 00:20:04,693
- Peter, please.
- Together at last.
420
00:20:04,776 --> 00:20:06,401
Their two bodies gliding
421
00:20:06,484 --> 00:20:08,734
in perfect synchronicity
under the Austrian moonlight.
422
00:20:08,818 --> 00:20:10,317
It's not gonna work.
423
00:20:10,401 --> 00:20:12,818
So lost in each other's eyes,
they don't even notice--
424
00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:15,651
Notice The Baroness approach.
425
00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:17,401
He never loved her.
426
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:19,401
Never.
427
00:20:19,484 --> 00:20:22,109
The Captain's heart
melts for Maria,
428
00:20:22,192 --> 00:20:24,025
but she made a vow to God,
429
00:20:24,109 --> 00:20:26,275
which is why
she breaks away from him.
430
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,734
- Breathless.
- Yep.
431
00:20:27,818 --> 00:20:28,859
- Blushing.
- Uh-huh.
432
00:20:28,943 --> 00:20:30,818
- Beguiled
- Amen.
433
00:20:30,901 --> 00:20:32,025
[elevator dings]
434
00:20:32,109 --> 00:20:33,818
♪ pleasant music ♪
435
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:36,609
[humming cheerfully]
436
00:20:37,984 --> 00:20:39,901
Thanks for spending time
with me.
437
00:20:39,984 --> 00:20:41,192
I hadn't been getting
out much.
438
00:20:41,275 --> 00:20:43,025
No, thanks for the liver.
439
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,442
[both laugh]
440
00:20:45,526 --> 00:20:48,818
Um...
441
00:20:48,901 --> 00:20:50,693
now I should go see Jill.
442
00:20:50,776 --> 00:20:52,859
Oh.
443
00:20:52,943 --> 00:20:54,859
I understand.
444
00:20:54,943 --> 00:20:58,192
I should go buy some ping pong
balls and a jar of mayonnaise.
445
00:20:58,275 --> 00:21:01,943
Ping pong balls go in a sock.
Mayonnaise in my hand.
446
00:21:02,025 --> 00:21:04,818
- To masturbate.
- Yeah.
447
00:21:04,901 --> 00:21:07,567
Well, good luck with Pancake.
448
00:21:07,651 --> 00:21:09,776
Thank you.
449
00:21:09,859 --> 00:21:13,484
[laughs]
Um...
450
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:14,859
She really wants you
to sign those divorce papers.
451
00:21:14,943 --> 00:21:17,192
[softly]
Oh, right.
452
00:21:17,275 --> 00:21:20,234
♪ melancholy music ♪
453
00:21:20,317 --> 00:21:23,234
♪♪♪
454
00:21:23,317 --> 00:21:26,776
[faucet running]
455
00:21:26,859 --> 00:21:28,109
Why do you sound like me?
456
00:21:28,192 --> 00:21:31,067
[crickets chirping]
457
00:21:31,150 --> 00:21:33,734
I learned English
from watching your show.
458
00:21:33,818 --> 00:21:37,442
It was the only voice I heard,
so it's the only voice I have.
459
00:21:40,109 --> 00:21:41,818
Jeff?
460
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:43,484
You still there?
461
00:21:45,234 --> 00:21:46,776
[inhales deeply]
462
00:21:46,859 --> 00:21:50,234
I have to say good-bye
to my best friend today,
463
00:21:50,317 --> 00:21:53,275
but I don't think
I can sign the papers.
464
00:21:53,359 --> 00:21:55,609
If I sign them,
I won't have any friends left.
465
00:21:55,693 --> 00:21:57,192
[Josip]
I'm sorry, Jeff.
466
00:21:57,275 --> 00:21:58,859
If you're calling your
puppet erotica voice double
467
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:01,067
for relationship advice,
468
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:02,943
I believe you.
469
00:22:03,025 --> 00:22:05,109
So what should I do?
470
00:22:05,192 --> 00:22:08,192
You have to move on.
Sign the papers.
471
00:22:08,275 --> 00:22:10,609
Ugh.
I don't wanna do it alone.
472
00:22:10,693 --> 00:22:13,526
I want her to be there with me.
473
00:22:17,025 --> 00:22:18,025
What's her number?
474
00:22:20,651 --> 00:22:22,442
It's okay.
You can trust me.
475
00:22:24,609 --> 00:22:26,109
Six-one-four,
one-two-four,
476
00:22:26,192 --> 00:22:27,693
four-three-two-four.
477
00:22:27,776 --> 00:22:30,275
[phone dialing]
478
00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:31,943
[line ringing]
479
00:22:32,025 --> 00:22:34,401
[Jill] Hi, it's Jill.
Sorry I missed your call.
480
00:22:34,484 --> 00:22:36,275
- But please leave a message.
- [beep]
481
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,401
[Josip] Hi, Jill.
It's me, Jeff.
482
00:22:38,484 --> 00:22:40,484
I'm gonna sign the papers,
but on one condition.
483
00:22:40,567 --> 00:22:43,609
I would like you to be
with me when I do it.
484
00:22:43,693 --> 00:22:45,901
Thanks for understanding.
Good-bye.
485
00:22:47,818 --> 00:22:49,526
How was that?
486
00:22:53,275 --> 00:22:54,984
I couldn't have
said it better myself.
487
00:22:55,067 --> 00:22:56,943
[laughs softly]
488
00:22:57,025 --> 00:22:58,693
Friends come and go.
489
00:22:58,776 --> 00:23:01,526
Sometimes, we even have to say
good-bye to our best friends.
490
00:23:01,609 --> 00:23:03,526
In the end,
it's important to remember
491
00:23:03,609 --> 00:23:06,317
that our real best friend
is always there,
492
00:23:06,401 --> 00:23:08,901
staring at us in the mirror.
493
00:23:09,025 --> 00:23:10,567
[squeegee squeals]
494
00:23:10,651 --> 00:23:13,526
♪ mellow music box music ♪
495
00:23:13,609 --> 00:23:15,109
[door opens]
496
00:23:15,192 --> 00:23:15,943
What?
497
00:23:16,025 --> 00:23:21,067
♪♪♪
498
00:23:26,275 --> 00:23:28,109
[Deirdre]
They accepted every term.
499
00:23:31,275 --> 00:23:33,234
[both laugh]
500
00:23:33,317 --> 00:23:35,401
Oh, you had--where's the hair?
501
00:23:35,484 --> 00:23:37,192
- I know.
- [indistinct chatter]
502
00:23:37,275 --> 00:23:38,734
I thought it was
against the rules.
503
00:23:38,818 --> 00:23:43,526
♪♪♪
504
00:24:12,651 --> 00:24:14,609
My client would like to submit
the substantial proceeds
505
00:24:14,693 --> 00:24:19,025
from Ms. Piccirillo's recent
business deal with Amazon.com
506
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:22,067
to the sum of their
shared communal assets.
507
00:24:22,150 --> 00:24:24,442
Actually, my client informs me
that that deal won't close
508
00:24:24,526 --> 00:24:26,526
until well after
we've finished our mediation.
509
00:24:26,609 --> 00:24:27,943
- What?
- [Deirdre] Sorry.
510
00:24:28,025 --> 00:24:29,442
Delay in paperwork.
511
00:24:29,526 --> 00:24:32,734
- Well, good move on your part.
- Thank you.
512
00:24:32,818 --> 00:24:35,317
My client also asserts
his entitlement to over
513
00:24:35,401 --> 00:24:37,526
$1 million in funds
meant for charity
514
00:24:37,609 --> 00:24:39,526
that Ms. Piccirillo has hidden
in various accounts
515
00:24:39,609 --> 00:24:40,984
over a period of 12 years.
516
00:24:41,067 --> 00:24:42,484
I'm so sorry.
517
00:24:42,567 --> 00:24:44,275
Those funds have
already been allocated
518
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:45,693
to our city's at-risk youth.
519
00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:49,526
But I guess I could always
ask that they be returned.
520
00:24:49,609 --> 00:24:51,526
Let the record show
that my client
521
00:24:51,609 --> 00:24:54,192
has recently received
an award for her efforts.
522
00:24:57,859 --> 00:24:59,275
They spelt your name wrong.
523
00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:01,109
- Shrug.
- Let's move on.
524
00:25:01,192 --> 00:25:03,275
- Please.
- Please.
525
00:25:03,359 --> 00:25:05,776
[lawyer] When all is said and
done, we've determined that
526
00:25:05,859 --> 00:25:08,818
the combined value
of their cash,
527
00:25:08,901 --> 00:25:10,901
holdings,
and intellectual property
528
00:25:10,984 --> 00:25:14,901
comes to a total
of $207.4 million.
529
00:25:14,984 --> 00:25:16,401
Ah.
530
00:25:16,484 --> 00:25:18,192
That, what?
531
00:25:18,275 --> 00:25:19,901
What did you just say?
532
00:25:19,984 --> 00:25:24,317
Much of that value comes from
your intellectual property.
533
00:25:24,401 --> 00:25:26,025
These are your designs,
aren't they?
534
00:25:26,109 --> 00:25:27,818
Where'd you...
535
00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:31,234
The state considers these
creatures a communal asset.
536
00:25:31,317 --> 00:25:34,401
Ergo, Scott, a recently-single,
537
00:25:34,484 --> 00:25:37,275
openly-gay man
is entitled to half.
538
00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:39,442
Did you just say openly gay?
539
00:25:39,526 --> 00:25:42,901
Wait, I...
I own all the puppets?
540
00:25:42,984 --> 00:25:46,067
[lawyer] You created them.
The copyrights are in your name.
541
00:25:46,150 --> 00:25:47,359
Your father never told you?
542
00:25:47,442 --> 00:25:49,567
[Scott]
Who knew so many major brands
543
00:25:49,651 --> 00:25:51,317
were clamoring
for spokes-puppets?
544
00:25:51,401 --> 00:25:53,693
I've been fielding calls
all week.
545
00:25:53,776 --> 00:25:55,484
Fast food.
Pharmaceuticals.
546
00:25:55,567 --> 00:25:56,984
You can't have them.
547
00:25:57,067 --> 00:26:00,317
You're the one who agreed
to split everything 50/50.
548
00:26:00,401 --> 00:26:01,776
We did.
549
00:26:03,943 --> 00:26:07,192
I'm sorry.
Let's begin, eh?
550
00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:10,109
♪ soft rousing music ♪
551
00:26:10,192 --> 00:26:14,609
♪♪♪
552
00:26:14,693 --> 00:26:16,526
[lawyer]
My client Scott Perera
553
00:26:16,609 --> 00:26:20,067
will now take sole custody
of the following puppets.
554
00:26:20,150 --> 00:26:22,234
Ennui Le Triste.
555
00:26:22,317 --> 00:26:25,442
$26.1 million.
556
00:26:25,526 --> 00:26:27,150
♪♪♪
557
00:26:27,234 --> 00:26:29,025
Snagglehorse.
558
00:26:29,109 --> 00:26:31,901
♪♪♪
559
00:26:31,984 --> 00:26:33,901
$18.2 million.
560
00:26:36,150 --> 00:26:38,317
Thump-Thump.
561
00:26:42,025 --> 00:26:45,901
$9.4 million.
562
00:26:45,984 --> 00:26:47,776
The Oops.
563
00:26:51,317 --> 00:26:53,150
$12.4 million.
564
00:26:53,234 --> 00:26:55,109
Oops.
565
00:26:55,192 --> 00:26:59,192
Astronotter.
566
00:26:59,275 --> 00:27:02,109
$21.4 million.
567
00:27:02,192 --> 00:27:05,734
I just want what's fair.
568
00:27:05,818 --> 00:27:07,275
[lawyer]
Oh, sorry.
569
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:09,651
I forgot one.
570
00:27:09,734 --> 00:27:13,609
♪ Some were there
in the beginning ♪
571
00:27:13,693 --> 00:27:18,567
♪ Some don't show up
till the end ♪
572
00:27:18,651 --> 00:27:21,567
♪ But it's the ones
who never leave you ♪
573
00:27:21,651 --> 00:27:26,192
♪ They're the ones
that you can always call ♪
574
00:27:28,567 --> 00:27:33,359
♪ A friend ♪
40625
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