All language subtitles for Kidding 2x04 - I Wonder What Grass Tastes Like.XLF+AMRAP+ION10.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com
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1
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,139
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:07,290
Don't do drugs!
3
00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:09,259
We're gonna build Listen-To-Me Pickles.
4
00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:10,399
I should go talk to Peter.
5
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,095
I don't think your wife
wants that to happen,
6
00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:13,969
but he wants to talk to you though.
7
00:00:13,970 --> 00:00:15,919
I learned English from
watching your show.
8
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,725
His name is Josip Butkevich.
9
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,852
He's some Croatian voice actor.
10
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,813
I have to write a $600,000 check
11
00:00:21,814 --> 00:00:23,648
so the IRS won't pummel me.
12
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:25,379
You're gonna put Puppet
Time back on the air.
13
00:00:25,380 --> 00:00:26,700
Not Dad. You.
14
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:12,150
We need friends...
15
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,339
Friends to laugh with,
16
00:01:15,340 --> 00:01:17,260
friends to share with,
17
00:01:17,270 --> 00:01:19,279
friends to play with,
18
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,379
friends to learn with.
19
00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:24,251
We need friends because
friends help us grow.
20
00:01:25,570 --> 00:01:27,459
Friends help us grow?
21
00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:28,714
True friends do.
22
00:01:28,715 --> 00:01:30,599
True friend do.
23
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,926
But what's a true friend, Mr. Pickles?
24
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,359
# A friend is someone
that could tell you #
25
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,724
- When there's jelly...
- On your face.
26
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,379
A friend is someone you can tell any...
27
00:01:53,690 --> 00:01:55,689
Josip.
28
00:02:02,230 --> 00:02:03,919
# When you need someone to talk to #
29
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,419
# You can always depend on a friend #
30
00:02:06,420 --> 00:02:07,835
# A true friend #
31
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:11,631
# A friend is someone
you call on the phone #
32
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,512
# To be by your side when
you're feeling alone #
33
00:02:42,950 --> 00:02:47,079
# A friend is someone who
will care for you so #
34
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,940
# When you feel a little broken,
they can make you feel whole #
35
00:02:50,950 --> 00:02:54,059
# When the day feels lonely,
you can always depend #
36
00:02:54,060 --> 00:02:56,710
# On a friend, a true... #
37
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,419
Hello from Ohio.
38
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:35,119
It's almost time to have
supper where you live,
39
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,799
Serbia and Croatia.
40
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:37,925
What are you having?
41
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:41,262
I'm having a song for dinner.
A supper song.
42
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,270
Do you think I sound like him?
43
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:55,139
# A friend is someone you
can call on the phone #
44
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:58,339
# To be by your side when
you're feeling alone #
45
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:02,119
# A friend is someone who
will care for your soul #
46
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:07,460
# When you feel broken,
they'll make you feel whole #
47
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,420
Let's call it even.
48
00:04:31,750 --> 00:04:33,669
Hello, Jeff.
49
00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:36,399
This is Josip Butkevich.
50
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:40,219
You may remember me from my
puppet-based erotica website.
51
00:04:40,220 --> 00:04:43,699
I'm sorry your animated
series did not work out,
52
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:46,879
and I hope that things are
better with your father.
53
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,320
I know you won't respond to this,
54
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:52,680
but if you ever need a
friend, you have one
55
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:57,420
on the border between
Serbia and Croatia.
57
00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,879
So, Mr. Pickles, let's
talk about this new doll.
58
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,849
It's kind of like Alexa,
but instead of a computer,
59
00:05:20,850 --> 00:05:24,490
there's a middle-aged man
listening on the other end.
60
00:05:26,770 --> 00:05:29,979
Children deserve to be heard.
I chose to listen.
61
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,019
You know, I-sorry, but as a mother,
62
00:05:34,020 --> 00:05:36,229
and also the first celebrity Barbie...
63
00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:38,589
Oh.
64
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:43,879
But I just have to say that
it's kind of surprising to me
65
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,519
that parents are okay with this.
66
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:50,579
They don't seem to mind giving
their children smartphones
67
00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:54,309
with access to pornography and
livestream school shootings.
68
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:57,189
Listen-To-Me Pickles was meant
to be an antidote to all that,
69
00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,151
a way to bypass the
depravity of social media,
70
00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:04,531
to give children the attention
they crave and so deserve.
71
00:06:07,610 --> 00:06:11,139
You had a show on air for 30 years,
72
00:06:11,140 --> 00:06:13,379
and... now it's not.
73
00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:14,870
How is that affecting you?
74
00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,099
I miss seeing my friends,
75
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,000
Snagglehorse and Ennui Le Triste.
76
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:23,341
Uke-Larry and Astronotter.
77
00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:25,009
- Aw...
- But I created a world
78
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,970
where children could see me
and I couldn't see them.
79
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:31,349
Now I've created a way
for us to really connect
80
00:06:31,350 --> 00:06:33,476
and talk to each other.
81
00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:36,437
I have more friends now
than I've ever had.
82
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,357
Aww.
83
00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:44,019
Well, Mr. Pickles, you're gonna
have 200 more friends to talk to
84
00:06:44,020 --> 00:06:46,299
because everyone in our studio audience
85
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:50,070
is getting a free
Listen-To-Me Pickles doll!
86
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,620
Jeff, you don't have a
lot of friends, do you?
87
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:03,297
Oh, I have millions of them
in terms of Pickle pals.
88
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:05,399
And I have my sister.
89
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,419
And the children I speak to
90
00:07:07,420 --> 00:07:09,479
over an internet-connected doll.
91
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,349
So... no, I guess I don't.
92
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,142
You know, an important part of recovery
93
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,299
is just having somebody to talk to.
94
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:20,731
How's your pain at the incision point?
95
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,149
Ah... a lot.
96
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,652
- Even with the oxycodone?
- I haven't been taking those.
97
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,419
Are you experiencing side effects?
98
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:28,559
I believe opiates are overprescribed
99
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:29,739
and highly addictive.
100
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:31,139
They've robbed children of their parents
101
00:07:31,140 --> 00:07:32,619
and parents of their children.
102
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:33,869
I don't wanna be a part of that.
103
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,785
But, Jeff, you're gonna
feel a lot of pain.
104
00:07:35,786 --> 00:07:37,999
Isn't there some kind of alternative?
105
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,544
Something non-addictive,
organic, all-natural?
106
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,255
I believe I can accommodate that.
107
00:07:43,256 --> 00:07:44,260
Thank you.
108
00:07:44,270 --> 00:07:47,299
I'm gonna prescribe you
medical marijuana.
109
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,569
Oh, God.
110
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:55,599
Hey, Peter?
111
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,640
You wanna go to lunch sometime?
112
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,059
So how long you in Seattle?
113
00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:13,284
- Till I go to New York.
- What's in New York?
114
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,618
Your competition.
115
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,819
I'd write you a check right now
if it meant we could stream
116
00:08:16,820 --> 00:08:19,979
the last 30 years of Puppet
Time on our service.
117
00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:21,659
It's the new stuff I'm uncomfortable
118
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:24,080
putting Amazon's name on.
119
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,179
I will buy the archives.
120
00:08:26,180 --> 00:08:28,269
I told your dad I would.
121
00:08:28,270 --> 00:08:30,802
But I'm not putting you back on the air.
122
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,804
You're worried about
Jeff having a filter.
123
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,479
Right now, he doesn't have a filter,
124
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:38,819
and he's broadcasting every day
125
00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,940
through a network of talking dolls
126
00:08:40,950 --> 00:08:42,605
because what the fuck?
127
00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:47,479
And who buys the dolls? The parents.
128
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,820
And what website are
they buying them on?
129
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,569
Ours.
130
00:08:51,570 --> 00:08:54,868
- How many dolls have you sold?
- I can't tell you that.
131
00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:57,162
But you know the answer.
132
00:08:57,170 --> 00:09:00,559
Here are the rules.
We shoot in Columbus.
133
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,626
Nobody tells Jeff there
are things he can't say.
134
00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,753
I didn't realize we were negotiating.
135
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,963
We keep total creative control.
136
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,713
- Let me think about it.
- I'm not done.
137
00:09:09,714 --> 00:09:12,020
And every child in
America needs to be able
138
00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:14,719
to watch the show for free.
139
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:22,436
When are you leaving for New York?
140
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:23,840
Wouldn't you like to know?
141
00:09:28,850 --> 00:09:31,399
So lunch, huh? I love lunch.
142
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,849
You wanna go out or stay in?
143
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:36,460
I only have cereal.
144
00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:39,340
Yeah, that's fine.
145
00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:50,172
What's it like having me inside you?
146
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,689
The same,
147
00:09:51,690 --> 00:09:54,479
except for the odd moment I catch myself
148
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,630
doing something I've never done before,
149
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,807
like learning to walk again.
150
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,099
That was me joking.
151
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,720
Sort of.
152
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:08,229
So you didn't have to
learn how to walk again?
153
00:10:08,230 --> 00:10:09,700
No, I did.
154
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:14,320
Do you remember stealing my rocket ship?
155
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,742
Ennui calling me a cocksucker?
156
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,078
I don't think so.
157
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,559
Oh.
158
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,873
There was a second when I
thought our souls were fusing.
159
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,740
No, my soul was crushed when
you ran over it with your car.
160
00:10:28,650 --> 00:10:29,959
Sorry.
161
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,279
I should've known weed
was a big deal for you
162
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,559
after all those anti-drug PSAs
that you did in the '90s,
163
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:41,419
not to mention how upset you
were over Will smoking up.
164
00:10:41,420 --> 00:10:43,159
I...
165
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:44,568
I shouldn't have offered you that joint.
166
00:10:44,570 --> 00:10:47,010
Thanks for saying that.
167
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:51,525
Can you help me find some weed?
168
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,189
Hi. Uh...
169
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:56,519
I'm a doctor,
170
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:59,279
and a patient of mine...
171
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,659
who's a well-known public figure...
172
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:04,739
is waiting outside.
173
00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:07,309
Um...
174
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:09,079
It's important for his reputation
175
00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:11,689
that no one sees him...
176
00:11:11,690 --> 00:11:14,499
buy marijuana, so could we, like,
177
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:16,426
possibly clear the establishment?
178
00:11:16,427 --> 00:11:17,699
Sorry, Doctor.
179
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:20,649
State law provides these patients
with the right to be here.
180
00:11:20,650 --> 00:11:22,309
We could lose our license.
181
00:11:23,980 --> 00:11:25,393
Well,
182
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:29,039
don't wanna break the law.
183
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,560
Who is it?
184
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,321
Am I gonna regret this?
185
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:40,659
If it makes a difference,
I've watched Puppet Time
186
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,701
plenty of times while medicated.
187
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,599
Me too.
188
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,649
All right.
189
00:11:46,650 --> 00:11:49,541
I always learn something
new about myself
190
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,168
and about Pickle Barrel Falls.
191
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,499
- Like what?
- Like how none of the puppets
192
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:56,499
on the show are mothers, which is weird.
193
00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:00,219
But then you realize
the water is your mom
194
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,979
because it's everywhere
195
00:12:01,980 --> 00:12:03,889
and it takes you anywhere
that you wanna go.
196
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,979
But it also can't speak,
197
00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:08,978
so it's kinda like how the
hardest part of parenting
198
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,499
is sending your kid
down the river of life
199
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:13,899
and being both on the journey,
200
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,609
but unable to steer the ship.
201
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:20,359
Also, Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death.
202
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,199
- Oh.
- And Hopscotch the Sasquatch
203
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,399
might have leprosy
204
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,619
'cause he's just down to the one leg,
205
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,639
but, you know, what do I know?
206
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,916
I'm just high and a doctor.
207
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,711
I definitely don't wanna smoke anything.
208
00:12:32,712 --> 00:12:34,920
You don't have to smoke anything.
209
00:12:37,650 --> 00:12:39,340
How's your recovery?
210
00:12:41,650 --> 00:12:45,759
Well, I've, uh, lost most of my liver.
211
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,100
I had to quit smoking cold
turkey, stop drinking.
212
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,579
I have acute erectile dysfunction
213
00:12:50,580 --> 00:12:52,519
and I lost my job,
214
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,129
but other than those five examples,
215
00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:56,140
I'm really good.
216
00:12:56,850 --> 00:12:59,359
And you and Jill are... the same?
217
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,340
- We're a lot stronger now...
- Mm.
218
00:13:01,350 --> 00:13:04,059
That I quit drinking, stopped smoking,
219
00:13:04,060 --> 00:13:07,519
spent more time at home
since I've lost my job.
220
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,559
Her teaching me to walk upstairs again
221
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,249
was a real relationship booster.
222
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:17,179
Well, between you, me,
and Ennui Le Stoned,
223
00:13:17,180 --> 00:13:20,674
I too am having a little issue with ED.
224
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,052
Not uncommon after major surgery.
225
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,269
Obviously, it's different for you.
226
00:13:25,270 --> 00:13:27,973
Your car has a garage to pull into.
227
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,769
I'm parked on the street at night
228
00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:32,644
and in the shower.
229
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,689
Here. It's a tea so you
don't have to smoke it.
230
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:39,318
And you dip it in water, so
it'll remind you of your mom.
231
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,439
Will you sip drugs with me?
232
00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,866
I don't wanna be alone my first time.
233
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:48,869
Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you.
234
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,979
This reminds me of the
night I lost my virginity.
235
00:13:57,980 --> 00:13:59,729
Was she a pot-sipper?
236
00:13:59,730 --> 00:14:02,199
No, but we did it in her
grandmother's house
237
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,259
and she had the same tea set.
238
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,859
Nothing like a post-coital
digestive biscuit
239
00:14:07,860 --> 00:14:10,009
from Nana's treat jar.
240
00:14:10,010 --> 00:14:13,429
I lost my virginity to an older woman.
241
00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:14,879
Really?
242
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,731
I guess that I assumed Jill
was your one and only.
243
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,484
She was my second and most special.
244
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,695
Mm-hmm. Who was your first?
245
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:27,199
I don't think I should say.
She was an actress.
246
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,952
Oh. Would I know her?
247
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:32,399
She starred in a movie
248
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,916
about the sound of music.
249
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:41,089
Did you lose your virginity
to Julie Andrews?
250
00:14:43,770 --> 00:14:45,717
Mary Poppins?
251
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,262
My sister calls her Cherry Poppins.
252
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,471
How old were you?
253
00:14:49,472 --> 00:14:51,849
I was 16 going on 17.
254
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:52,933
You're kidding.
255
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,399
Yes.
256
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:58,059
I was 28. She was 59, but vivacious.
257
00:14:58,060 --> 00:15:00,399
You're familiar with the
1995 Broadway season?
258
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,525
I'm not. No.
259
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:05,649
I got to go backstage during
her run of Victor/Victoria.
260
00:15:05,650 --> 00:15:09,189
Let's just say between me
and her Tony nomination,
261
00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:12,689
one she famously declined,
the other was me.
262
00:15:12,690 --> 00:15:14,913
Which one was she dressed as?
Victor or Victoria?
263
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,082
A gentleman never tells.
264
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,700
Mm.
265
00:15:21,171 --> 00:15:22,959
What are you two doing?
266
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,174
Drinking weed.
267
00:15:25,020 --> 00:15:26,676
Cool.
268
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,039
Don't forget to take these.
269
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,649
They're so your liver doesn't
fall out of your ass.
270
00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:33,479
Enjoy whatever this is.
271
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,099
Hey.
272
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,440
Do you like my haircut?
273
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,189
Later, Pancake.
274
00:15:44,660 --> 00:15:46,189
I like your haircut.
275
00:15:46,190 --> 00:15:47,738
Why do you call her "Pancake"?
276
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:49,479
'Cause on our first date,
277
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:50,820
we had pancakes.
278
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,959
I'm not feeling anything from this tea.
279
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,760
I don't think I'm high,
but I have an idea.
280
00:15:56,770 --> 00:15:58,739
We find the tallest
building in the city.
281
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:00,879
We ride the elevator all
the way to the top.
282
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,559
And if the elevator is fast enough,
283
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:05,479
it should push the blood from
our brains to our penises,
284
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,926
solving our erectile disorders.
285
00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,053
No, you're high.
286
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:20,020
See you tomorrow at the mediation.
287
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,855
Don't sound so excited.
288
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:23,398
Well, I'm not excited.
289
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,219
I'll be excited when you
close that Amazon deal
290
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,599
and I get half of it.
291
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,759
I'll be excited about
getting half the cash
292
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,069
you squirreled away instead
of giving it to charity.
293
00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:34,460
But I'm not excited about
the mediation itself.
294
00:16:34,470 --> 00:16:35,828
That sounds boring.
295
00:16:37,310 --> 00:16:39,873
Aren't you gonna ask
why I'm in a tuxedo?
296
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,876
I didn't notice.
297
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,269
Tonight's honoree
298
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:12,479
is one of the most selfless
individuals I have met
299
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,279
in my 42 years helping children.
300
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:19,100
Her generous donation
of nearly $1 million...
301
00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:25,879
Will go directly to a new program
302
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,715
focused on Columbus' most at-risk youth.
303
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:33,510
Deirdre's Kids: No child left behind.
304
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:34,729
Ladies and gentlemen,
305
00:17:34,730 --> 00:17:37,347
Columbus' Philanthropist of the Year,
306
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,899
Deirdre Piccirillo.
307
00:17:47,358 --> 00:17:50,599
I've devoted my life...
308
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,849
to giving a voice to the voiceless,
309
00:17:54,850 --> 00:17:58,719
a hand to the handless,
310
00:17:58,720 --> 00:17:59,949
hope...
311
00:17:59,950 --> 00:18:02,680
Why didn't you clap for me?
312
00:18:06,150 --> 00:18:07,660
Really? Nothing?
313
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,539
I just won an award
314
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:13,379
and a bunch of poor
kids got Chromebooks.
315
00:18:17,350 --> 00:18:19,640
Nothing? Nada?
316
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:22,309
I thought you were just
avoiding tax evasion.
317
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:24,019
I'm talking to him.
318
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,400
Is this because you were wrong
about the listening doll?
319
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,599
Is it because I'm getting
the show back on the air
320
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,649
and you couldn't?
321
00:18:30,650 --> 00:18:34,239
No. I did not make too many demands.
322
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,690
I demanded our worth.
323
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,408
He didn't say anything.
324
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:42,149
I'm aware.
325
00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:43,919
Would you please say something?
326
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:45,139
Anything? Please?
327
00:18:45,140 --> 00:18:47,390
They spelled your name wrong.
328
00:18:51,350 --> 00:18:53,399
Where the fuck is Jeff?
329
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:57,309
Your hand is glued to
that trophy, isn't it?
330
00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:59,263
No!
331
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,519
I feel like I'm supposed
to be someplace.
332
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,108
- Sorry, elevator's closed.
- For science.
333
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,809
Okay, moment of truth.
334
00:19:13,810 --> 00:19:16,029
I'm nervous.
335
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:30,540
Oh.
336
00:19:32,020 --> 00:19:33,380
You're a genius.
337
00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:36,399
No. I failed.
338
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,595
Fix me, Peter.
339
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,684
It's the night of the
Von Trapp's big party.
340
00:19:48,685 --> 00:19:51,815
Fraulein Maria is out on the patio
341
00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:53,609
teaching Friedrich the Laendler.
342
00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:54,959
Stop. Don't do that.
343
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,160
Captain appears in the doorway,
taps his son on the shoulder...
344
00:19:59,180 --> 00:20:02,032
Takes Maria's hand in
his crisp, white glove.
345
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,439
- Peter, please.
- Together at last.
346
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,169
Their two bodies gliding
347
00:20:06,170 --> 00:20:08,939
in perfect synchronicity under
the Austrian moonlight.
348
00:20:08,940 --> 00:20:11,750
- It's not gonna work.
- So lost in each other's eyes,
349
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,550
- they don't even notice...
- Notice The Baroness approach.
350
00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:17,250
He never loved her.
351
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:19,019
Never.
352
00:20:19,020 --> 00:20:21,689
The Captain's heart melts for Maria,
353
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:23,889
but she made a vow to God,
354
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,849
which is why she breaks away from him.
355
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:27,419
- Breathless.
- Yep.
356
00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:28,719
- Blushing.
- Uh-huh.
357
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,309
- Beguiled.
- Amen.
358
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,519
Thanks for spending time with me.
359
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,079
I hadn't been getting out much.
360
00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,879
No, thanks for the liver.
361
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,399
Um...
362
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,189
now I should go see Jill.
363
00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:52,349
Oh.
364
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,359
I understand.
365
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:57,599
I should go buy some ping pong
balls and a jar of mayonnaise.
366
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:01,519
Ping pong balls go in a sock.
Mayonnaise in my hand.
367
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:04,399
- To masturbate.
- Yeah.
368
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,279
Well, good luck with Pancake.
369
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:08,309
Thank you.
370
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:12,940
Um...
371
00:21:12,950 --> 00:21:14,919
She really wants you to
sign those divorce papers.
372
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:17,020
Oh, right.
373
00:21:26,350 --> 00:21:27,994
Why do you sound like me?
374
00:21:30,730 --> 00:21:33,209
I learned English from
watching your show.
375
00:21:33,210 --> 00:21:37,420
It was the only voice I heard,
so it's the only voice I have.
376
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:40,620
Jeff?
377
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,260
You still there?
378
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,640
I have to say good-bye
to my best friend today,
379
00:21:49,660 --> 00:21:51,460
but I don't think I can sign the papers.
380
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,149
If I sign them, I won't
have any friends left.
381
00:21:55,150 --> 00:21:56,773
I'm sorry, Jeff.
382
00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:58,899
If you're calling your
puppet erotica voice double
383
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:00,190
for relationship advice,
384
00:22:00,194 --> 00:22:02,149
I believe you.
385
00:22:02,150 --> 00:22:04,114
So what should I do?
386
00:22:04,115 --> 00:22:08,076
You have to move on. Sign the papers.
387
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,229
Ugh. I don't wanna do it alone.
388
00:22:10,230 --> 00:22:11,914
I want her to be there with me.
389
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:17,920
What's her number?
390
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,425
It's okay. You can trust me.
391
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:26,160
Six-one-four, one-two-four,
392
00:22:26,170 --> 00:22:27,680
four-three-two-four.
393
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:34,059
Hi, it's Jill. Sorry I missed your call.
394
00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:35,899
But please leave a message.
395
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:38,023
Hi, Jill. It's me, Jeff.
396
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,233
I'm gonna sign the papers,
but on one condition.
397
00:22:40,234 --> 00:22:43,229
I would like you to be
with me when I do it.
398
00:22:43,230 --> 00:22:45,840
Thanks for understanding. Good-bye.
399
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,243
How was that?
400
00:22:52,740 --> 00:22:55,291
I couldn't have said it better myself.
401
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,359
Friends come and go.
402
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,189
Sometimes, we even have to say
good-bye to our best friends.
403
00:23:01,190 --> 00:23:03,579
In the end, it's important to remember
404
00:23:03,580 --> 00:23:06,219
that our real best
friend is always there,
405
00:23:06,220 --> 00:23:07,620
staring at us in the mirror.
406
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,936
What?
407
00:23:25,770 --> 00:23:27,990
They accepted every term.
408
00:23:32,810 --> 00:23:35,139
Oh, you had... where's the hair?
409
00:23:35,140 --> 00:23:36,809
I know.
410
00:23:36,810 --> 00:23:38,500
I thought it was against the rules.
411
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,450
My client would like to submit
the substantial proceeds
412
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:18,689
from Ms. Piccirillo's recent
business deal with Amazon.com
413
00:24:18,690 --> 00:24:21,299
to the sum of their
shared communal assets.
414
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:24,379
Actually, my client informs
me that that deal won't close
415
00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:26,339
until well after we've
finished our mediation.
416
00:24:26,340 --> 00:24:27,924
- What?
- Sorry.
417
00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,259
Delay in paperwork.
418
00:24:29,260 --> 00:24:32,459
- Well, good move on your part.
- Thank you.
419
00:24:32,460 --> 00:24:34,540
My client also asserts his entitlement
420
00:24:34,550 --> 00:24:37,100
to over $1 million in
funds meant for charity
421
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:39,352
that Ms. Piccirillo has
hidden in various accounts
422
00:24:39,353 --> 00:24:40,899
over a period of 12 years.
423
00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:44,110
I'm so sorry. Those funds
have already been allocated
424
00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:45,440
to our city's at-risk youth.
425
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:49,319
But I guess I could always
ask that they be returned.
426
00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,460
Let the record show that my client
427
00:24:51,470 --> 00:24:54,035
has recently received an
award for her efforts.
428
00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,160
They spelt your name wrong.
429
00:24:59,170 --> 00:25:00,999
- Shrug.
- Let's move on.
430
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,979
- Please.
- Please.
431
00:25:02,980 --> 00:25:05,588
When all is said and done,
we've determined that
432
00:25:05,589 --> 00:25:08,699
the combined value of their cash,
433
00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:10,659
holdings, and intellectual property
434
00:25:10,660 --> 00:25:14,929
comes to a total of $207.4 million.
435
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,306
Ah.
436
00:25:16,307 --> 00:25:18,379
That, what?
437
00:25:18,380 --> 00:25:19,639
What did you just say?
438
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:23,064
Much of that value comes from
your intellectual property.
439
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:25,815
These are your designs, aren't they?
440
00:25:25,816 --> 00:25:27,609
Where'd you...
441
00:25:27,610 --> 00:25:30,959
The state considers these
creatures a communal asset.
442
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,240
Ergo, Scott, a recently-single,
443
00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:36,949
openly-gay man is entitled to half.
444
00:25:36,950 --> 00:25:38,537
Did you just say openly gay?
445
00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:42,599
Wait, I... I own all the puppets?
446
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:45,794
You created them.
The copyrights are in your name.
447
00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:47,003
Your father never told you?
448
00:25:47,004 --> 00:25:49,380
Who knew so many major brands
449
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:51,216
were clamoring for spokes-puppets?
450
00:25:51,217 --> 00:25:53,551
I've been fielding calls all week.
451
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:55,428
Fast food. Pharmaceuticals.
452
00:25:55,429 --> 00:25:56,721
You can't have them.
453
00:25:56,722 --> 00:25:59,391
You're the one who agreed
to split everything 50/50.
454
00:25:59,392 --> 00:26:01,430
We did.
455
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,729
I'm sorry. Let's begin, eh?
456
00:26:14,230 --> 00:26:16,079
My client Scott Perera
457
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,599
will now take sole custody
of the following puppets.
458
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:22,159
Ennui Le Triste.
459
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,179
$26.1 million.
460
00:26:26,252 --> 00:26:29,003
Snagglehorse.
461
00:26:31,750 --> 00:26:33,820
$18.2 million.
462
00:26:36,095 --> 00:26:38,180
Thump-Thump.
463
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:45,687
$9.4 million.
464
00:26:45,688 --> 00:26:47,731
The Oops.
465
00:26:50,730 --> 00:26:53,111
$12.4 million.
466
00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:54,859
Oops.
467
00:26:54,860 --> 00:26:57,533
Astronotter.
468
00:26:58,730 --> 00:27:01,949
$21.4 million.
469
00:27:01,950 --> 00:27:04,206
I just want what's fair.
470
00:27:05,270 --> 00:27:07,320
Oh, sorry.
471
00:27:07,330 --> 00:27:09,335
I forgot one.
472
00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:13,269
# Some were there in the beginning #
473
00:27:13,270 --> 00:27:18,079
# Some don't show up till the end #
474
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,199
# But it's the ones
who never leave you #
475
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:26,420
# They're the ones that
you can always call #
476
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:34,319
# A friend #
33924
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