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1
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,019
Nope, nope, nope.
2
00:00:08,020 --> 00:00:10,781
Wipe left.
3
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It's "swipe," Mom.
4
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:14,139
Oh, this is so much fun.
5
00:00:14,140 --> 00:00:15,703
I love judging people.
6
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:19,909
Why is it so hard to find someone?
7
00:00:19,910 --> 00:00:21,199
Lucy's getting marred this weekend,
8
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:22,389
and she's only been dating this person
9
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,499
for like three months
according to her e-mails,
10
00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:26,089
which I still, on occasion, read.
11
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,199
I mean, change your password, freak.
12
00:00:30,210 --> 00:00:32,679
Wait, now, which one was Lucy, again?
13
00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:36,304
She's, like, the only serious
girlfriend I've ever had.
14
00:00:36,305 --> 00:00:39,019
We all went on several
vacations together.
15
00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:41,062
The one who got lost at Epcot Center.
16
00:00:41,063 --> 00:00:42,897
Ehhh, I don't think so.
17
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:46,560
Hey! Look who aced another math test!
18
00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:48,059
- Oh!
- Asher did!
19
00:00:48,060 --> 00:00:49,400
Nice job, bud!
20
00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:51,499
- Thanks.
- Yeah, and guess what.
21
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,324
Miss Crowe says he might qualify
for the gifted program.
22
00:00:54,325 --> 00:00:56,285
- Gifted? Really? Asher?
- Mm-hmm.
23
00:00:56,286 --> 00:00:57,289
- Yeah.
- Mm.
24
00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:58,679
He's got to take an entrance exam,
25
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,456
but she thinks he has a real shot at it.
26
00:01:00,457 --> 00:01:02,260
Wow, that's exciting!
27
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:04,099
But let's not put any pressure on him.
28
00:01:04,100 --> 00:01:06,086
Whatever happens, I'm proud of him.
29
00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:08,809
Yeah. Well, I'm not surprised, you know.
30
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I was in the gifted program.
31
00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:15,471
Oh...
32
00:01:16,940 --> 00:01:18,391
Wait, you're serious?
33
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:21,369
Absolutely.
34
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He was in the newspaper.
35
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We were very close
friends with the editor.
36
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Not that close.
We had to take out an ad.
37
00:01:29,730 --> 00:01:32,149
But he was definitely gifted.
38
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Everyone was talking about it.
39
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:36,450
Like, gifted gifted?
40
00:01:36,451 --> 00:01:38,869
Yeah. Why are you having
such a hard time with this?
41
00:01:38,870 --> 00:01:40,299
No...
42
00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:41,619
I'm not.
43
00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:43,879
It's just sometimes you forget
how to spell my name,
44
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,750
and I'm your wife.
45
00:01:46,510 --> 00:01:48,179
Rebecca, it's confusing.
46
00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:49,959
Is it one "B" and two "C"s?
47
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Is it two "C"s and one "B"? I mean...
48
00:01:52,383 --> 00:01:53,699
- It's two "B"s and two "C"s.
- It's one "B", one "K", right?
49
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A "K" with an "H" at the end.
50
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Look, it's not a big deal.
51
00:01:58,181 --> 00:01:59,919
I was gifted in elementary school,
52
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and then I went to regular
classes after that.
53
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,519
- I haven't thought about it since.
- Okay.
54
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,219
So you were gifted,
55
00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:08,899
and then you stopped being gifted?
56
00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:11,069
Yeah, I guess. I don't know.
57
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,199
Look, you know, people that
are gifted have more stuff
58
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,239
to think about than how to
spell their wives' names
59
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:21,159
or whether being gifted can come or go.
60
00:02:25,030 --> 00:02:27,709
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
61
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:29,719
Ah, okay!
62
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I got puzzles, flash cards, worksheets,
63
00:02:33,049 --> 00:02:35,924
everything we need to
prep Asher for the test!
64
00:02:35,925 --> 00:02:37,345
That's cute. You're cute.
65
00:02:39,230 --> 00:02:41,890
But gifted is not something
that you can teach.
66
00:02:41,891 --> 00:02:44,899
You either have it or you don't.
67
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:48,019
That's why they call it a gift.
68
00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:51,319
Yeah, um, I've been reading
up on this gifted thing.
69
00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,409
Did you know that 75 percent
of Secretaries of State
70
00:02:54,410 --> 00:02:55,821
were in the gifted program?
71
00:02:55,822 --> 00:02:57,749
Yeah. One was in my class.
72
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He stayed gifted.
73
00:03:00,450 --> 00:03:03,059
So why not do everything we can
74
00:03:03,060 --> 00:03:04,460
to help Asher get in?
75
00:03:04,470 --> 00:03:06,379
Rebecca, he's gonna get in.
76
00:03:06,380 --> 00:03:07,834
He's a genius. Watch this.
77
00:03:07,835 --> 00:03:09,320
Hey, Ash!
78
00:03:10,730 --> 00:03:12,359
- Yeah?
- What up, mini-me?
79
00:03:14,090 --> 00:03:16,216
Hey, Ash, what's 62 times 23?
80
00:03:16,217 --> 00:03:17,339
424.
81
00:03:17,340 --> 00:03:19,079
- What?
- Oh! And he got it right
82
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:22,139
- without even thinking about it!
- Great job!
83
00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:24,641
Wait. Is that even right?
84
00:03:24,642 --> 00:03:27,185
It has to be. He's gifted.
85
00:03:27,186 --> 00:03:29,187
Ooh, are those games?
86
00:03:29,188 --> 00:03:31,523
- Mm.
- Yeah. This is a super fun game
87
00:03:31,524 --> 00:03:32,879
called "Flash Cards."
88
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:33,901
You want to play?
89
00:03:33,902 --> 00:03:36,219
Yeah. I love the Flash.
90
00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:38,459
- Okay.
- All right. Different things, but okay.
91
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:41,519
So, all you have to do
is tell us which shape
92
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,530
completes the pattern.
93
00:03:43,536 --> 00:03:44,786
Square.
94
00:03:44,787 --> 00:03:47,873
No, but good try.
95
00:03:47,874 --> 00:03:49,124
Circle.
96
00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,720
No. So close.
97
00:03:52,712 --> 00:03:55,889
- Purple?
- No.
98
00:03:55,890 --> 00:03:57,339
That's a hard one.
99
00:03:57,340 --> 00:04:00,979
Yeah, no, it's not.
100
00:04:00,980 --> 00:04:02,721
He's got three wrong in a row.
101
00:04:02,722 --> 00:04:04,639
Three comes after four.
102
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,479
- Hey! And we're back!
- That's wrong.
103
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,989
Damn it!
104
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:13,160
Wow.
105
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:16,299
Our first time getting
in a car together.
106
00:04:16,300 --> 00:04:18,829
This is so fun.
107
00:04:18,830 --> 00:04:23,840
Yeah, uh, this was great, um,
but I'm gonna call it a night.
108
00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:25,919
Um, I'm really tired.
109
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,379
Oh, I thought you said you were wired
110
00:04:27,380 --> 00:04:29,389
from the green-tea matcha-tinis.
111
00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:32,379
You know, um, caffeine actually
works the opposite for me.
112
00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:33,759
Oh, yeah. Ecstasy's like that for me.
113
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,519
It makes me hate everyone.
114
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,090
- Anybody want a mint?
- Dad?!
115
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Oh! Hi, Buttercup.
116
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:44,429
Dad! What are you doing here?
117
00:04:44,430 --> 00:04:46,179
So I guess you know my secret now, huh?
118
00:04:46,180 --> 00:04:48,299
I didn't want anybody
in the family to know.
119
00:04:48,300 --> 00:04:52,521
So, I started driving in order
to earn a little extra cash.
120
00:04:52,522 --> 00:04:54,599
What do you need money for?
121
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,419
Have you not been following
what's going on in our family?
122
00:04:56,420 --> 00:04:57,939
We're broke.
123
00:04:57,940 --> 00:05:00,139
You can just let me out here.
124
00:05:00,140 --> 00:05:01,819
What? Uh, by the river?
125
00:05:01,820 --> 00:05:03,120
Yep.
126
00:05:04,540 --> 00:05:05,990
Amanda, I...
127
00:05:07,411 --> 00:05:10,121
Dad! What the hell?!
128
00:05:10,122 --> 00:05:12,040
You ruined my date!
129
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:15,211
I'm not sure it was going
so great to begin with.
130
00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:19,119
Are we almost at my house?
131
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,679
Listen, if you needed
to get someplace fast,
132
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:23,979
you shouldn't have picked
the carpool option.
133
00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,569
When I was a kid and I was
in the gifted program,
134
00:05:30,570 --> 00:05:32,399
did I get a bunch of the
practice questions wrong?
135
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,105
Because Asher didn't get
a single one right.
136
00:05:35,106 --> 00:05:37,409
Well, you know,
I think that he's a genius,
137
00:05:37,410 --> 00:05:39,651
but if you're worried
about the gifted test,
138
00:05:39,652 --> 00:05:41,279
you could always give Asher a little,
139
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,239
you know, extra push.
140
00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:46,157
Why are you winking?
141
00:05:46,158 --> 00:05:49,339
Well, look, we wanted to get
you into the gifted program,
142
00:05:49,340 --> 00:05:52,290
so I told them you were 4
when you were really 6.
143
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,919
Just a little white lie.
144
00:05:58,460 --> 00:06:01,630
That is a giant, not-white lie.
145
00:06:01,632 --> 00:06:03,019
What's the big deal, Dave?
146
00:06:03,020 --> 00:06:04,599
We wanted to get you in, and it worked.
147
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,888
You were the smartest
4-year-old they ever met.
148
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,099
Because I was 6!
149
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:15,109
I was 6! I mean...
150
00:06:15,110 --> 00:06:17,499
Was I even gifted? Did I
not get into the program?
151
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:18,599
How did this work?
152
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,659
Well, you finished first grade,
153
00:06:20,660 --> 00:06:23,362
then you went to gifted kindergarten.
154
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:27,060
Yeah, K-2. Wait.
155
00:06:28,790 --> 00:06:30,369
Is that not a real thing?
156
00:06:30,370 --> 00:06:33,623
And then you went to first grade again.
157
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,219
Yeah, I know, second first.
158
00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:37,910
Oh, my God!
159
00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:40,540
How did I not realize that was all fake?
160
00:06:40,546 --> 00:06:42,964
Well, you were 6.
161
00:06:42,965 --> 00:06:45,091
He was 8!
162
00:06:45,092 --> 00:06:47,949
I'm not 39, I'm...
163
00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:49,931
I'm 41?!
164
00:06:51,265 --> 00:06:54,929
Only if you go by your
actual birth date.
165
00:06:54,930 --> 00:06:56,779
Yeah.
166
00:06:56,780 --> 00:06:59,774
I was just starting to process
that I'm gonna be 40.
167
00:06:59,775 --> 00:07:01,579
Look, David,
168
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:04,659
that gifted school was
the best education
169
00:07:04,660 --> 00:07:06,279
you could have possibly asked for.
170
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:08,073
You got tons of attention.
171
00:07:08,074 --> 00:07:11,202
All the kids looked
up to you, literally.
172
00:07:12,660 --> 00:07:14,579
And it built your confidence.
173
00:07:14,580 --> 00:07:17,707
To this day, you walk in a
room, you have an opinion.
174
00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:19,219
My whole life is a lie.
175
00:07:19,220 --> 00:07:20,710
I mean, is my name even Dave?
176
00:07:20,711 --> 00:07:22,139
- Well...
- What do you mean, "Well"?!
177
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:24,966
- What do you mean, "Well"?!
- All right, just relax.
178
00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:28,439
So, actually, at the hospital...
179
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,189
You're gonna tell me a
real story?! Oh, my God!
180
00:07:30,190 --> 00:07:31,889
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
181
00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:37,819
So, I was very tired, and I wrote D-A-V
182
00:07:37,820 --> 00:07:40,699
on your birth certificate
form, and I fell asleep.
183
00:07:41,870 --> 00:07:43,199
So cute!
184
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:44,719
Mwah!
185
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:48,239
And you two share this
as a fond memory?!
186
00:07:49,824 --> 00:07:53,160
I'm a 41-year-old named Dav!
187
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,209
This is really bad.
188
00:07:56,210 --> 00:07:57,649
I mean, how am I gonna tell Rebecca
189
00:07:57,650 --> 00:07:59,958
I'm two years older than
she thinks that I am?
190
00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,043
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, listen, Dave.
191
00:08:02,044 --> 00:08:05,559
When I married your father,
I thought he was a Pisces.
192
00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:09,092
- Same diff.
- Yeah.
193
00:08:09,093 --> 00:08:11,839
This is such a different diff!
194
00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:13,299
Ah!
195
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:15,515
I thought Asher was gifted because I am,
196
00:08:15,516 --> 00:08:17,649
and now I'm gonna have
to take him to that test.
197
00:08:17,650 --> 00:08:19,644
He's probably gonna fail. I should...
198
00:08:19,645 --> 00:08:22,394
I should just tell Rebecca so
she doesn't get her hopes up.
199
00:08:22,395 --> 00:08:24,439
Oh, no, you don't have to
tell Rebecca anything.
200
00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,039
Asher already got those
scores on his math test.
201
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,499
When his teacher flagged him,
202
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:30,249
she didn't know you were
supposed to be gifted.
203
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:32,907
- Oh.
- I guess you're right.
204
00:08:32,908 --> 00:08:34,749
- Oh, come on.
- Of course Daddy's right.
205
00:08:34,750 --> 00:08:36,829
Asher's a gorgeous genius.
206
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,370
I made a robot!
207
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,929
And that's our next Secretary of State.
208
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,559
I can't believe we're here!
209
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,308
I've already met some of
the other gifted parents.
210
00:08:58,309 --> 00:09:01,170
This program sounds magical.
211
00:09:01,180 --> 00:09:03,429
The kids tend a full edible garden,
212
00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:06,901
and the parent/teacher meetings
are held at a wine bar.
213
00:09:06,902 --> 00:09:09,189
I think these are my people.
214
00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:13,032
Rebecca, th-there's... there's
something I need to tell you.
215
00:09:13,033 --> 00:09:14,099
Oh, can it wait, Dave?
216
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:16,364
I'm pretty focused on Asher right now.
217
00:09:16,365 --> 00:09:18,849
It's like what happens today will change
218
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,457
the whole course of his life and ours.
219
00:09:22,110 --> 00:09:23,319
Oh, I haven't met you!
220
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:24,334
Hey...
221
00:09:24,335 --> 00:09:27,099
Oh, man, I'm so excited.
222
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,139
Can you believe our
kids might be gifted?
223
00:09:30,140 --> 00:09:31,539
I can't. I really can't.
224
00:09:31,540 --> 00:09:34,099
Oh, look at those little geniuses.
225
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:38,014
Dad, did you know an
octopus has three hearts?
226
00:09:38,015 --> 00:09:41,319
That is fascinating.
227
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:45,272
Dad, did you know that dogs
have butts under their tails?
228
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,819
I believe I did, pal.
229
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:52,999
Thanks for bringing that
to the table, though.
230
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,448
He's waiting with you while
your other kid takes the test?
231
00:09:55,449 --> 00:09:57,367
No, he's the gifted one.
232
00:09:57,368 --> 00:09:59,169
Oh.
233
00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:01,839
Okay, Asher, you got to eat your salmon
234
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,599
so you can go to an Ivy League school
235
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,679
just like 70 percent of the
students who go here.
236
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,259
You know, I think I'm just
gonna, uh, if you don't mind,
237
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:15,385
write down his actual age on
this page because he's 4.
238
00:10:15,386 --> 00:10:17,479
He's so tall for 4.
239
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:20,069
Yeah, his bones are gifted at growing.
240
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,379
I'm just saying, Nicole, if you
take the first half of my name
241
00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:26,770
plus the last half of your name,
242
00:10:26,772 --> 00:10:28,899
it's like the perfect name for a baby...
243
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,539
Jocole. How cute is that?
244
00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:32,695
I'll get out here.
245
00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:36,540
Wha... Uh... Uh, by the lake?
246
00:10:41,660 --> 00:10:43,450
I don't get it.
247
00:10:43,455 --> 00:10:45,499
I'm such a good catch.
248
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:49,099
I mean, how is Lucy getting
married before me?
249
00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:51,379
Ah, so that's what this is about.
250
00:10:51,380 --> 00:10:55,559
Maybe you're trying too hard.
People can read that energy.
251
00:10:55,560 --> 00:11:00,680
Okay, so, now my 60-year-old dad
who's been married for forever
252
00:11:00,681 --> 00:11:03,017
is gonna help me with my dating life?
253
00:11:03,018 --> 00:11:04,640
Yeah. What do I know?
254
00:11:04,650 --> 00:11:07,770
I've only been sexually
active for 40-plus years!
255
00:11:07,771 --> 00:11:09,159
Okay!
256
00:11:12,818 --> 00:11:14,579
Look, we just have to remember
257
00:11:14,580 --> 00:11:16,980
it's not a big deal
if he doesn't get in.
258
00:11:16,989 --> 00:11:18,739
I mean, part of me doesn't
want him to get in
259
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:20,950
because what if the
pressure is too much?
260
00:11:20,951 --> 00:11:22,399
Yes, yes, let's just
forget the whole thing.
261
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,911
Let's... Let's do something
totally different.
262
00:11:23,913 --> 00:11:25,379
Yeah.
263
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:28,899
It's them.
264
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:29,960
Hello?
265
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:31,754
Yes.
266
00:11:32,550 --> 00:11:34,005
Okay.
267
00:11:34,006 --> 00:11:35,760
Thank you so much.
268
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,909
Asher got into the gifted program.
269
00:11:39,910 --> 00:11:42,640
Our son's a [BLEEP] genius!
270
00:11:43,974 --> 00:11:45,439
Yay!
271
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,103
What a naturally smart 6-year-old!
272
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,109
- Mom.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
273
00:11:56,110 --> 00:11:57,719
- You got to help me.
- What?
274
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,573
I lied about Asher's age to
get him into the program.
275
00:12:00,574 --> 00:12:03,459
Oh, I figured. That poor boy.
276
00:12:03,460 --> 00:12:05,871
All those brains went to his face.
277
00:12:08,082 --> 00:12:09,999
How am I gonna tell Rebecca?
278
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,699
Listen, sweetie, your
secret is safe with me.
279
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:17,769
And as for Asher, let
him start the program.
280
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:19,175
Then you'll tell her.
281
00:12:19,176 --> 00:12:21,810
This way, she's culpable.
282
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,499
Right. Right, that's so smart.
283
00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:28,219
What? What?! What?! What am I doing?!
284
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:31,230
Listen, we share the same
brain. Don't fight it.
285
00:12:33,023 --> 00:12:35,239
- What do you think?
- Oh!
286
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,789
"All children are a gift,
but only some are gifted."
287
00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:40,154
Oh.
288
00:12:40,155 --> 00:12:41,399
Too much?
289
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:42,679
- No!
- No, it's great.
290
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,410
Everything's... Everything's great.
291
00:12:45,411 --> 00:12:49,330
Raising a gifted child is
such a big responsibility.
292
00:12:49,331 --> 00:12:52,083
Oh, tell me about it.
293
00:12:52,084 --> 00:12:54,919
I mean, our kids are the
ones who will cure cancer
294
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,099
- and save the world.
- Right?
295
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:59,660
I feel bad for parents of "reg-os."
296
00:13:00,926 --> 00:13:05,769
That's what we gifted mothers
call non-gifted, regular kids.
297
00:13:05,770 --> 00:13:06,959
- Buh-bye.
- Buh-bye.
298
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,959
- Buh-bye.
- Bye-bye.
299
00:13:09,970 --> 00:13:12,439
How did you lie about
this for all these years?
300
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:13,688
It was easy.
301
00:13:13,689 --> 00:13:17,079
I mean, you were so
confident at the school.
302
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,809
You were just thriving.
303
00:13:18,810 --> 00:13:21,379
Mom, I'm not thriving.
304
00:13:21,380 --> 00:13:23,079
When I lied about Asher's age,
305
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,879
I had to use my fingers to
figure out what year to put.
306
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,369
Beauty,
307
00:13:28,370 --> 00:13:31,409
you did what any decent parent would do.
308
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:34,585
But no parents do this
except for me and you.
309
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:38,519
Well, that's because
we're better than them.
310
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,179
We do whatever it takes for our kids,
311
00:13:41,180 --> 00:13:43,819
like Felicity Huffman
and that other actress
312
00:13:43,820 --> 00:13:45,540
who's on that show.
313
00:13:47,380 --> 00:13:49,359
They're my heroes.
314
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:52,644
They're not heroes, Mom.
They're cheaters
315
00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:56,139
who gave their already privileged
kids an unfair advantage.
316
00:13:56,140 --> 00:13:58,270
Did you not read any of the articles?
317
00:13:58,275 --> 00:14:02,839
Well, I started to, but then I
got a text from the pharmacy,
318
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,359
and, you know, when my
prescription's ready,
319
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,201
honey, I go.
320
00:14:09,250 --> 00:14:11,372
Why would I ever take advice from you?
321
00:14:11,373 --> 00:14:14,540
Because I'm your mother,
and I care about you,
322
00:14:14,550 --> 00:14:16,089
and I know what's best.
323
00:14:16,090 --> 00:14:18,779
Trust me, you're not hurting anyone.
324
00:14:18,780 --> 00:14:22,719
Everything's gonna be
great... God willing.
325
00:14:24,770 --> 00:14:28,347
Hey, driver. Time to go
cruisin' for Susans.
326
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,100
Uh...
327
00:14:32,101 --> 00:14:35,229
Actually, I'm thinking tonight
should be an off night.
328
00:14:35,230 --> 00:14:37,879
Well, what do you mean?
329
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,699
You know, you've been out every night,
330
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:41,609
and it's not going so great.
331
00:14:41,610 --> 00:14:43,820
What are you talking about,
it's not going great?
332
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:47,609
I've dropped two women
off by bodies of water.
333
00:14:47,610 --> 00:14:49,760
Who cares?
334
00:14:49,770 --> 00:14:51,919
You roll through stop signs,
335
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,164
and your mints are stale.
336
00:14:54,170 --> 00:14:58,252
No, actually, those are TUMS,
but I was just trying to help.
337
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,929
Well, you didn't, okay?
338
00:15:00,930 --> 00:15:02,631
You're fired as my driver.
339
00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:07,699
The FBI today arrested
dozens of parents,
340
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:10,149
including several notable
Hollywood celebrities
341
00:15:10,150 --> 00:15:11,769
and one 41-year-old
342
00:15:11,770 --> 00:15:13,899
Connecticut contractor, David Klein,
343
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,199
for lying about their kids' ages
344
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:16,539
to get them into the gifted program.
345
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:17,819
- What did you do?
- I'm sorry.
346
00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:19,629
- What did you do?!
- I'm so sorry.
347
00:15:19,630 --> 00:15:23,568
I hate you, Mom and Dav!
348
00:15:23,569 --> 00:15:25,709
And this just in...
police have apprehended
349
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:27,362
the ringleader of the operation.
350
00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:30,599
Debbie Kind-Klein is being
charged with fraud, larceny,
351
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,479
and ruining her son's life.
352
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,159
Oh! Oh! Oh!
353
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:36,259
Oh, Stewie!
354
00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:39,429
Stewie! I just had the worst nightmare!
355
00:15:39,430 --> 00:15:43,439
We were all arrested for
lying to get our babies
356
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,239
into the gifted program!
357
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,809
- Stewie!
- Okay, honey, sounds so fun.
358
00:15:47,810 --> 00:15:49,469
Oh.
359
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,439
Oh, I'm gonna have to make
this right with David.
360
00:15:54,516 --> 00:15:55,859
Hi, Davey. How are you?
361
00:15:55,860 --> 00:15:57,727
- Everything okay?
- No.
362
00:15:57,728 --> 00:15:59,896
Everything is not okay.
363
00:15:59,897 --> 00:16:02,189
Well, you know, I was thinking
364
00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:06,979
maybe it's not such a good idea to cheat
365
00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:10,281
to get Asher into the program,
you know what I mean?
366
00:16:10,282 --> 00:16:12,799
I mean, maybe it won't help him so much,
367
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,538
and it could ruin all our lives.
368
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,579
I'm sorry, what was that, Mom?
369
00:16:25,580 --> 00:16:27,979
I had this horrible nightmare
370
00:16:27,980 --> 00:16:30,479
that we were all hauled off to jail,
371
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:35,069
and I was wearing this
delightfully gorgeous gown.
372
00:16:35,070 --> 00:16:37,476
I don't even think I own it!
373
00:16:38,850 --> 00:16:39,859
So what am I supposed to do?
374
00:16:39,860 --> 00:16:41,168
Tell Rebecca now, I guess, right?
375
00:16:41,170 --> 00:16:42,647
No, don't tell Rebecca,
376
00:16:42,648 --> 00:16:44,119
because she's gonna blame me
377
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,901
and think that it was my idea.
378
00:16:46,670 --> 00:16:48,070
It was your idea.
379
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,030
I feel terrible that I'm
coming between you guys.
380
00:16:52,032 --> 00:16:55,349
I wish you were a real gifted
instead of a fake gifted.
381
00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:58,622
Then maybe you could come up
with a way out of this mess.
382
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:01,833
Hey, guys?
383
00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:04,759
- What do we do?!
- Um, just act natural.
384
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:05,962
What are you doing? What is this?
385
00:17:05,963 --> 00:17:08,297
What's more natural
than a mother's love?
386
00:17:08,298 --> 00:17:12,079
I was just doing the
same thing with Asher.
387
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,089
Aww!
388
00:17:13,090 --> 00:17:16,319
There's something about hugging
your gifted child, you know?
389
00:17:16,320 --> 00:17:18,279
- Mm!
- All that brain energy
390
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,420
just radiates heat into the cheeks.
391
00:17:21,937 --> 00:17:24,230
Guys, I owe you an apology.
392
00:17:24,231 --> 00:17:26,440
- No, don't do that.
- Oh, no. No, no, it's okay.
393
00:17:26,441 --> 00:17:29,679
When you first told me
about Dave being gifted,
394
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:34,250
I doubted you guys because of,
you know, how Dave is with life.
395
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,420
Aaaah!
396
00:17:41,550 --> 00:17:43,779
Thank you for that.
397
00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:47,044
I lied about Asher's age to
get him into the program.
398
00:17:47,045 --> 00:17:48,169
What?!
399
00:17:48,170 --> 00:17:49,659
I said he was 4 instead of 6,
400
00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:51,382
and my mom did the same thing to me,
401
00:17:51,383 --> 00:17:52,718
- and...
- It's true.
402
00:17:52,719 --> 00:17:56,629
It's true. He's nothing more
than a ragu named Dav.
403
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:07,519
Joanna, you fired me.
404
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,779
I'm not coming to get you.
405
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:10,099
I'm done.
406
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:13,149
Why does nobody like me?
407
00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:14,179
What?
408
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:16,739
I just had another
girl leave me at a bar.
409
00:18:16,740 --> 00:18:18,999
I don't know what's wrong with me.
410
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,578
Can you meet me?
411
00:18:20,579 --> 00:18:23,630
Oh, baby, Daddy's coming to get you.
412
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,379
Hey, I'm gonna miss my flight.
413
00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:32,419
I'll drop you off at this pond.
414
00:18:38,221 --> 00:18:41,529
Okay, so, look.
415
00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:42,850
Before I met your mother,
416
00:18:42,851 --> 00:18:44,499
I was in a long-time relationship
417
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,299
that ended terribly,
and all of a sudden,
418
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,279
I was moving in with some girl.
419
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:52,270
Oh, Stewie got around.
420
00:18:52,277 --> 00:18:54,737
Ew, gross.
421
00:18:54,738 --> 00:18:57,739
After we broke up, everything got so bad
422
00:18:57,740 --> 00:19:01,244
that I-I-I realized I-I
needed some Stew time.
423
00:19:02,180 --> 00:19:03,871
So I got a one-bedroom apartment,
424
00:19:03,872 --> 00:19:08,389
sold some watches in the city,
and got to know Stew.
425
00:19:08,390 --> 00:19:12,619
Six months later, I-I met your
mother, and she was ready.
426
00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:13,670
So was I.
427
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:17,176
So you're saying I need to take a break?
428
00:19:17,177 --> 00:19:19,349
If you can't love yourself,
429
00:19:19,350 --> 00:19:21,389
how the hell are you gonna
love somebody else?
430
00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:23,549
Did you just quote RuPaul?
431
00:19:23,550 --> 00:19:25,959
Yes.
432
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,728
- I love RuPaul.
- Mm-hmm.
433
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:31,899
Hey.
434
00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:36,599
So, I just broke the news to Asher
435
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,440
that he didn't get into
the gifted program,
436
00:19:38,448 --> 00:19:41,919
and he looked up at me and said,
437
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,419
"What's the gifted program?"
438
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:47,791
So I think we're okay.
439
00:19:49,060 --> 00:19:50,199
I just don't get it.
440
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:53,129
He got a perfect score
on all those math tests.
441
00:19:53,130 --> 00:19:55,919
Yeah, about that... he also told me
442
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,801
he was copying off the girl next to him.
443
00:19:57,802 --> 00:20:01,269
Oh. So Asher cheated?
444
00:20:01,270 --> 00:20:03,269
Well, that makes way more sense now.
445
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:06,684
Apple. Tree.
446
00:20:06,685 --> 00:20:08,609
I'm sorry that I-I lied and...
447
00:20:08,610 --> 00:20:10,619
I just wanted to do what
was best for Asher,
448
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,619
you know, and as we all know now,
449
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:15,277
I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
450
00:20:15,278 --> 00:20:19,739
Well, you're not not as smart
as you thought you were.
451
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,899
- So you're not mad at me?
- No, I am.
452
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:24,959
But I'm just as mad at myself.
453
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,119
I'm partially to blame here, too.
454
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,958
Okay, let's follow that thread.
455
00:20:30,959 --> 00:20:33,349
I lost sight of what was important.
456
00:20:33,350 --> 00:20:35,819
I mean, look at this t-shirt.
457
00:20:35,820 --> 00:20:38,479
"Sorry you got a reg-o"?
458
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,342
Who am I?
459
00:20:40,343 --> 00:20:44,346
You're a reg-o, just like me.
460
00:20:44,347 --> 00:20:46,974
We're the reg-os.
461
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,779
Thanks for getting dinner, Dad.
462
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:54,441
Oh, it's the least I could do to
chip in every once in awhile.
463
00:20:54,442 --> 00:20:57,402
Also, there's a gift for you in the car.
464
00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,479
- Cool.
- Mm.
465
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:03,019
It's three phone chargers
and a stranger's hat.
466
00:21:03,020 --> 00:21:06,703
I mean, I'm never gonna put
that on my head, but thanks.
467
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,669
You see?
468
00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:10,669
- This is who we are.
- Mm.
469
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:13,501
Gifted, not gifted... who cares?
470
00:21:13,502 --> 00:21:16,712
You're right. Who cares
if Asher isn't gifted?
471
00:21:16,713 --> 00:21:18,881
I mean, that's not what's important.
472
00:21:18,882 --> 00:21:21,060
What's important is being a kind person
473
00:21:21,070 --> 00:21:24,094
and having a lot of empathy,
and Asher has all of that.
474
00:21:24,095 --> 00:21:25,763
- Mm-hmm.
- Our family?
475
00:21:25,764 --> 00:21:29,184
We're all good people,
and everybody loves us.
476
00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:32,603
That's what you took
from all of this, Mom?
477
00:21:32,604 --> 00:21:33,859
Yeah.
478
00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:35,356
Who's better than us?
479
00:21:37,030 --> 00:21:41,029
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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