Original subtitles

(Seagulls, boat horns and ocean sounds)

(Man) 'OK, cool.'

- (Man #2) 'One more time.' - (Man) 'OK, right.

'OK.'

(Narrator) 'Aristotle said there are three types of friendship.

'The first is friendship of utility,

'which happens between you and someone

'who's useful to you in some way, like a co-worker.

'The second is friendship of pleasure, which occurs when two or more people

'just enjoy one another's company.

'This can be a simple, natural comradery,

'or even a (BEEP) buddy.

'And the third, called friendship of the good,

'is built on pure mutual respect and admiration.

'Slower to develop, but more enduring, it's the best friend type stuff.

'Now, I'm not saying I know more than Aristotle,

'but I'd like to propose that there are other types of friendship.

'One in particular I call friendship of history.

'You were close friends with someone,

'grew in different directions, to be different people,

'but still act close just, well, because.

'It's just like seeing a person wearing a life jacket in the supermarket.

'You might ask, "Hey, why are you wearing that?"

'The other replies, "Because I was on a boat yesterday."'

♪ Are you my perfect cure?

♪ Perfect cure for the things that keep me awake

♪ I look for such a girl, I'll never cause a stir

♪ And you weren't it

♪ Oh, watching the traffic, some things don't change

♪ You're my perfect cure for the times I hate... ♪

(Narrator) 'This is Jonah, those are his parents,

'and that was the best picture taken that day.

'Tortured by their constant judgement and unrealistic expectations,

'their relationship was... complicated.

'Jonah even once saved for an entire year,

'sending them on a tour of wine country in an attempt to win their approval,

'but as usual, things didn't work out for him,

'and on their way to the last vineyard an oncoming motorist collided with them,

'and both parents died in a fiery wreck.

'After the funeral, Jonah learned his parents were in severe debt,

'when the banks repossessed their house and most of their savings.

'Confused, Jonah spent what little money was left

'on a prostitute named Jolene, whom he didn't (BEEP),

'but kept awake all night talking, before she eventually robbed him.'

(Phone ringing)

- What up? - Are you home?

'Er... no, just organising shit at my parents' place, why?'

- Cool if I stop by? - Why are you calling instead of texting?

'Just in the area.'

All right, see you soon.

Stupid, muthafucking, fucking, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

(Horns blare)

Aargh!

(Narrator) 'This is Jonah's best friend, Richard,

'and his upbringing was nearly the opposite.

'Close with his father and raised in a household many would consider affluent,

'Richard was, as you can clearly see, used to things going in a certain way.

'His bank account has over six figures in it,

'which he enjoyed spending lavishly on his two best friends.

'But, just like his father, Richard is prone to fits of rage,

'and one time threw his laptop into his flat screen TV...

'...all because he couldn't remember the password to his own email account.'

Stupid motherfucker!

(Knocking)

Hey.

What the hell are you doing?

(Smashing and clattering)

(Richard) Fucking... fuck...

(Woman) Richard! Richard!

Richard! Richard!

Stop! What are you doing?

(Narrator) 'And this is Richard's long-term partner, Sasha.

'She grew up in a military house

'who disapproved of the lavish lifestyle Richard provided her with,

'especially her hot pink sports car she named Ziggy Cardust.

'Speaking of cars, she was once a witness in a hit-and-run case,

'but failed to show in court when Richard and Jonah convinced her

'to get drunk instead.

'But the accident did inspire her to attend and graduate from nursing school,

'where she now spends her days

'providing physical and emotional care at a nearby retirement home,

'and the evenings and weekends pretty much doing the same thing for these two.'

- Richard! - Get off!

Richard, stop! Richard!

Stop it! Get off him!

Uh-oh.

(Jonah groans)

- (Richard) Just... how could you? - How could I what?

- Don't fucking lie to me! - Stop!

- I saw the texts! - What texts?

The ones... The ones that said: "Oh, it was such a mistake."

How could you fuck her, dude?

You are way out of line right now! You two just stay here.

I'm gonna get something from the car.

This kitchen is fucked!

(Door opens and closes)

(Jonah snorts and groans)

- What's this? - I didn't have time to wrap it yet.

- Happy early birthday, a-hole. - Huh?

You think those texts were from us fucking?

It started off as a joke, we convinced ourselves to buy you this stupid thing.

It's got a mahogany stock.

So the texts you read that say, "That night was such a mistake.

"Ha-ha, totally worth it, though, I guess as long as he doesn't find out,"

that was just us talking about buying you a damn harpoon.

- For your birthday. - Speargun.

Whatever.

So... you didn't?

(Jonah groans)

Oh, no.

(Narrator) 'And with that, just like they always did,

'our trio returned to their instinctual roles,

'Richard begging for forgiveness for his latest and all-too-often fits of rage,

'Jonah retreating inside himself,

'reinforcing his beliefs that the world is out to get him,

'and Sasha continuing to play her role as girlfriend, mother and referee.

'And while he could've said sorry with even more luxury items,

'Richard decided today needed to be a special apology,

'by taking them out for one of the group's favourite activities.

♪...and when I think of you

♪ There's no will to the thing in my tears

♪ It's timeless and it's strong

♪ I dream about you, my angel

♪ And I take a look of love... ♪

A little help?

Please.

OK.

Look, I'm trying, all right?

- Look at my face. - Look at his face.

OK, hey, let's make a deal,

I grovel and pamper you guys unconditionally,

and you just try to remember a time before I went ape shit.

- I want a free punch. - Yes, deal.

- Punch where? - I like this, this plan makes sense.

- No, it doesn't. - I want reparations.

- Even Steven. - Exactly.

- Not the balls. - Please, the balls.

- Not the balls! - Stay out of it.

- Why are you encouraging this? - What if my nose needs surgery?

You could have a deviated septum, causing long-term health issues.

For fuck's sakes, just punch me and shut the fuck up.

- Deal. - But only one punch, then you'll chill.

- Fine. - Both of you.

- This doesn't involve me. - What if I let you punch me?

- You know where I'm going. - I said no balls!

No dice! I'd just as easily go get day-drunk somewheres.

Fine, but just remember,

it behooves you to avoid these guys if you ever want little Richards one day.

(Clears throat) Excuse me. No, wait...

Afterwards, that's it then, it's squashed.

I don't want to hear another word about this shit again.

All right.

All right. Fuck it, let's do it.

Hands behind your head. No, no, actually, behind your back.

Interlock those fingers.

And eyes shut, I don't want you anticipating where it's going.

- That's good. - Stop squirming. You ready?

- Yeah, I'm fucking ready. - Give it to him!

- All right, you know what? - (Gasps)

Look, it's all right.

- Fuck, my wrist! - Serves you right.

Just making sure you wouldn't get concussion, you fucking asshole!

A punch like that, I doubt you could anyways.

- And you got fire in your hands? - Oh, dude, she can chuck bombs.

Okey-doke, right here where you were before.

Arms behind your back, please, thank you. Stop moving around.

Hey, no, hey, hey, hey, just remember, it behooves you...

Stop saying "behooves" and uncross those legs.

Stand up, take it like a man.

Come on, you little bitch, close your eyes. We made a deal.

- (Richard) I know but... - She can't punch that hard, can she?

Yeah.

Ooh.

(Groaning) Almost threw up right there.

Are you sorry?

For everything?

Really?

(Sasha) Really.

♪ I think it's an illusion

♪ You try holding your tears on back

- ♪ You said I was the first one - ♪ Only one

♪ I know, alone is the new black

♪ Two hearts they turn

♪ And I will never become

♪ Two hearts that sum

♪ Two one, two one, two one

♪ I've got no one to turn to

♪ You have no one to look on by

♪ I've got nothing to tell you

♪ You have nothing to say to that

♪ Two hearts they turn

♪ And now they'll never become

♪ Two hearts have someone

♪ Two one, two one, two one... ♪

(Richard) Can't breathe out of my left nostril.

For all I know, I could be bleeding out inside, like, er... Houdini.

He died from taking a punch.

(Jonah) You think someone could swim that far?

(Richard) Not a fucking chance, too far.

- Hey, can I ask you something? - Shoot.

What made you think we were messing around?

I know it wasn't just the texts, you wouldn't just jump to that conclusion

without something else first.

Sometimes...

Sometimes it feels like you care about her the way that I care about her.

- Without sounding like a prick... - Meaning you're gonna sound like...

When are you gonna stop fucking around?

Look, I know you don't like me bringing it up,

but... you saw what kind of trouble you caused last year.

I appreciate your concern,

but until you're in a relationship longer than three months,

don't give me advice, I don't with you.

You do, actually.

I try and tell you how to keep them around, so you stop fucking prostitutes.

- Once! - Still, man.

A couple weeks back, you guys got into it at my place, remember?

What was that all about?

Um... I don't know.

I don't really remember,

but it must not have been a big deal or anything.

Fuck you talking about? You two were steaming from the ears.

Well, she was probably just venting about your extra-curricular activities.

What did you say?

Well...

...nothing about what happened.

OK, look, there's this quote, and it's something to the effect of...

"We accuse people of doing things that we do ourselves."

(Richard) How do I look?

- Like an idiot. - That sounds about right.

- Hey, let's try this thing out. - Do I have a choice?

Come on, it all started cos of this fucking thing.

All right, go.

Uno, dos...

Happy birthday. Now, give me back my sun.

(Jonah exclaims)

I think I got something!

Nice.

Hey... are we good?

Yeah, we're good.

You know, a couple weeks back, when you and Jonah got into it,

I think that's where I started to get it into my head

that something was going on, so sorry about that.

I said we're good.

What were you guys even fighting about, anyway?

- I don't know, probably that stupid thing. - Didn't have anything to do with us?

- Huh? - What's been going on between us.

Oh, we don't talk about that shit.

No... We were just arguing about your gift.

Hey, check this bitch out!

- (Sasha) Hey. - Huh?

You're lurking.

I'm fine.

(♪ Music over dialogue)

You got three seconds to tell me what the fuck is going on.

- Dude, listen. - One.

- Man, nothing's going on. - Two.

- Richard, please! - Three!

Rich!

He figured it out, didn't he?

Uh-oh. He asked me about the night we were fighting.

- What the fuck did you say to him? - Something about your guys' shit.

- Oh, what the fuck, Jay? - I don't know, it just fucking came up!

He was gonna shoot you with the harpoon.

- Speargun. - Whatever.

- No, no, he wouldn't shoot. - Look at your face.

Fuck your fucking face!

- How could you? - Which part?

No! Not the balls!

(Screams)

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

(Jonah groans)

You were gonna fucking kill me, you fuck!

Help. Help. Help, somebody, please. Help!

- Stop! Stop! - Help!

Him? Why him?

Why him?

(♪ Music over dialogue)

Holy fuck.

He wakes up again, we're fucking dead.

- If he doesn't kill us, his dad will. - No way, I've known him for too long.

Jay!

(Narrator) 'Richard's father is the reason for his six-figure bank account,

'and the source of his violent temper,

'so while I wish I could give you an example

'of something nice he's done for someone else,

'the only story that comes to mind goes as follows...

'Years back, it came to light that Richard's first grade teacher was, let's say,

'being inappropriate with students.

'A few weeks later, as the school conducted a full investigation,

'the teacher suddenly disappeared,

'which also happened to coincide

'with Richard's father and a few of his rougher colleagues

'taking a road trip that very same weekend.'

- Fuck. - Fuck.

We'll say the truth.

We went fishing, he found out we were sleeping together...

Slept.

Sorry, it's just... You know what I mean.

No, no, exactly.

He found out we slept together, he came after us, a fight ensued and...

Jay!

Fuck.

(Ship's horn blasts)

Oh, man, it doesn't seem safe to me,

but if you insist on resting right there, by all means...

What?

This way, if they hook us up to one of those lie detector things,

we can say he fell off, and the machine won't go off like the 4th of July.

Although, his dad's still gonna fucking kill me.

At least you'll be in the clear, though.

He has 80,000 in a safe in his closet.

His dad gives him ten grand cash every Christmas.

The combination's the last four digits of his phone number.

(Jonah) Come on, you fuck.

Here, try this.

Seriously?

What? Just a little exercising.

Come on, the lie detector.

Yeah, just getting in a little bit of exercising, that's all.

Don't even look at him. Take in the view.

Yep! Gotta make sure you get your squats in.

There... we go!

(Splash)

(Splashing and coughing)

How's this fit into the lie detector?

- You two were gonna fucking drown me? - Hey, you tried to kill us first.

I wasn't gonna hurt you, you dick! What the fuck?

- You had the harpoon aimed at him. - Speargun.

- You fucking waved that at me! - Then you strangled me.

It doesn't matter anyway, because you, you're in the water.

- What the fuck? You pushed me. - No, no, actually I didn't.

You rolled in when you were drunk and confessed.

- What do you think I... - Ah-ha! I don't think so, pal.

Fuck you! And fuck you, you cheating bitch!

- Hey, you did it first! - That was a year ago!

- Come on, Jay, we're outta here. - (Richard) Wait.

- (Sasha) Fuck off! - Fuck, fuck.

See you later, pal.

(Richard) She can't drive the boat worth shit, anyway.

What?

Uh-oh.

Oh, ha-ha! Looking for these?

- Give me those. Get back. - Fuck you!

- Where the fuck are you going? - I'm swimming this way.

- Get back! I will shoot you right now. - Shoot me!

- I'll drop the keys, fucker. - Get back in the fucking boat.

- What are you gonna do, drown yourself? - Apparently I was gonna drown anyway.

- Might as well take you fucks with me. - Get back on the fucking boat, Richard.

- We need to make a better deal. - What deal?

We need to promise not to kill each other.

What I want to see is...

you guys take every weapon on the boat, chuck it overboard.

That's the speargun, the club, the cutlery.

The glass bottles, the flares, the oars, dishes, fucking everything!

Once I'm convinced there's nothing on there you guys can use against me...

- Or you could use against us. - Then...

Only then, I will swim back,

and we'll... we'll just go home.

- And once we're back? - As far as I'm concerned...

I don't want to see either of you two sacks of shit ever again.

- You won't call the cops? - Or tell your dad?

No cops, no dad.

Don't think too long, this key's feeling pretty heavy.

♪ It's too late for tears

♪ Honey, it's too late, too late to cry

♪ Oh, but it's too late, for begging me, baby...

The fish! Get that big ass fish out here.

What?

(Jonah) Happy? Now get back in the fucking boat!

What about the nine iron?

Bastard. You bastard...

- (Jonah) Sasha... - He getting it?

- I think so. - It's underneath the stairs.

- (Jonah) No, it's not! - (Richard) It's down there somewhere.

- I'm looking with one fucking hand! - It's a golf club, for Christ's sake.

(Richard) Hey, Sasha, where are you going?

- (Mouths words) - He needs my help.

- (Jonah) I need her help finding it. - He doesn't need shit, stay here.

Lovely day, huh?

I got it!

There. That's it. Now get back in the fucking boat.

- Suck a dick. - Get in the fucking boat!

There's nothing left on the fucking boat!

- Fuck off! - Get the fuck up there, let's go!

No, other side, let's go.

- Let me see. - He'll be fine.

We'll worry about it when we get back.

(Engine stalls)

(Engine stalls)

What?

Are you kidding me? Please tell me you're kidding me.

(Richard) Coast Guard one. Coast Guard one.

Coast Guard one. Coast Guard one.

This is the pleasure vessel Naughty Buoy.

(Static signal)

Coast Guard one!

Coast Guard one.

Coast Guard one! Coast Guard one, do you hear me?

Did you try all the stations, turning the dials?

That explains why you spent four years in school

becoming a glorified butt-wiper, doesn't it?

OK, I obviously do more than that.

- (Signal crackles) - Coast Guard one.

Hello? Can anyone save me from these two pricks?

You two.

You two are real pieces of work, you know that?

I can't believe I let you convince me

that I was such a prick that I deserved punches.

- Dude, don't even... - No, this isn't right.

I want reparations. I deserve reparations.

- We said no killing. - I'm talking about Even Steven.

You beat me up, I punched you back.

I beat your ass because you fucked my girlfriend!

- Then you punched me off the boat. - After she hit me with the bottle.

- Then you shot me in the hand. - No, she shot you through the hand.

How is this helping?

It certainly looked like it helped you after slapping me.

- You wanna punch me, Richard? - You're damn right I do.

You two knowingly made me feel like such a piece of shit

that I volunteered for free punches.

And then you willingly...

No, wait, you gleefully went along with it.

What kind of scumbags do that, huh?

Huh?

- Put your hand on the table. - What?

Put your hand on the fucking table!

When you got busted this morning, you could've been a man about it, huh?

But you decided to take the bitch route.

(Taps table)

Time to make up for it.

Tsk. Oh.

Other hand.

- Richard... - Shut up. Other hand.

OK, look, just...

- Fuck! - Stand up!

- Richard, I swear to God... - It's fine, Jay.

- You owe me. - I don't owe you shit.

- No? - No.

- How's that now? - This is just karma.

So you fucked him to get back at me?

It wouldn't even come close to what you've put me through.

Jay... He tell you what happened?

It wasn't just that Richard was fucking his ex.

No, she showed up at the door, pregnant.

And as if that wasn't enough, she wants to keep the baby,

be a part of the family, have a little bit of daddy's money.

But instead, I let this asshole convince me that it was just a big mistake.

His last big mistake, and that he would talk to her,

and convince her to have an abortion.

And then a month later, I see in the paper and on the news...

"Pregnant girl Melissa Fairfax stabbed to death."

- I told you a million times, we didn't... - How can I believe anything you say?

I mean, Jesus, I would've been gone so fucking fast

if I hadn't been so scared you'd do the same thing to me.

- I would never... - Really?

Hey, dipshit, you forget to throw these overboard on purpose?

I must've forgot.

Damn it.

All right, this is what we've got left.

- That tuna could've come in handy. - That tuna was a weapon.

This is all the water? There's nothing left in the showers, nothing?

We didn't fill the tanks. I thought it was a day trip.

Look... this is gonna keep us OK for a couple days.

- It's not the food I'm worried about. - Why not?

You can go for ages without food. Without water, less than a week.

Huh?

I could share some other things I learned in school but why bother, right?

- I'll ask you when it's time to wipe my ass. - Yeah. What about the toilet?

- You mean where you belong? - The water in it.

- It's salt water. - We could distil it.

- No, the still's propane. - We don't have propane.

- So literally nothing on this boat works? - I thought it was a day trip!

- What about the life raft? - We popped that inner tubing.

Fuck's sake.

I didn't anticipate discarding everything in an effort to ensure my safety.

- OK, we can start swimming to shore. - It's too far.

- How do you know that? - It's too far!

You know "Jaws" at the end of the movie,

when the two are just swimming in the ocean after they killed the shark.

Those fuckers are dead, straight up!

- So wait, get going! - Fuck off.

(Jonah) So what you're saying...

- ...is we're screwed? - No.

There's a bunch of shipping lanes out here, someone's bound to spot us.

- You sure? - Pretty sure.

Give me odds, I want odds.

90/10.

- Ten being no shipping boats? - Yeah.

OK...

Well, 90% I'm rescued, that's not so bad.

(Narrator) 'As the chapter title so eloquently states,

'our trio had fallen on a stretch of bad luck.

'But as an experienced sailor such as myself would tell you,

'superstitions on a boat are a powerful thing,

'and these three had been inadvertently pushing their luck

'from the very start, and here's why...

'First of all, they all set sail on the Friday of a long weekend,

'when less ships would be departing.

'It's also terrible luck to sail on a Friday as this was the day Christ was crucified.

'Then Richard stepped on board with his left foot rather than his right.

'Red-haired people are also considered bad luck on a boat.

'Don't know why, they just are.

'You're also not supposed to bring anyone named Jonah on board.

'When they threw everything off the boat, they even tossed a metal albatross statue.

'A bigtime no-no, as they're supposed to host the souls of dead sailors.

'Having a black bag on the boat represents death and the depths of the sea.

'And bananas on board are a bad omen for a multitude of reasons.

'So when no shipping boats appeared,

'no rain fell to catch and drink,

'and the current pulled them further into the Atlantic Ocean,

'they flirted with yet another form of friendship,

'friendship of survival, in which you either work together...

'or you're (BEEP).'

(Richard groaning)

Dude, this is impossible.

If only we had, say, a harpoon.

(Both) Speargun.

- (Jonah) This is useless. - Come to daddy, baby.

(Narrator) 'Oh, and one last no-no on a boat: don't kill seagulls.

'That's a real bad one, too.'

No fucking way.

♪ I know you, brother, you've been taken

♪ I know you, sister, you try to make it for love

♪ How do you feel now?

♪ Without love

♪ How do you feel now?

♪ I know you, sister

♪ You've been faking

♪ Lying and cheating never could be mistaken for love

♪ How do you feel now?

♪ Without love

♪ How do you feel now? ♪

So this is what you learned at school?

- No, I got this from Richard Parker. - (Jonah) Who?

- The lion from "Life of Pi". - Tiger.

But yeah. Author got the idea from Edgar Allen Poe.

And I have... had a boyfriend named Richard.

OK.

So, in like the 1800s, Poe wrote a book about a shipwreck.

'So these guys get stuck in a lifeboat, out of food and water,

'but they capture a sea turtle and drink its blood to survive.'

So let me get this straight, you're getting your survival tips

from the same guy who wrote about the spaghetti monster.

(Sasha) 'OK, so they drink the sea turtle's blood.'

(♪ "La donna è mobile")

(Clears throat) Again, this is a story.

So the sea turtle nourishes them for a while... but it's not enough.

'They can't catch any more turtles, and after a few days they realise

'that if they don't get anything to eat or drink ASAP, they'll die.

'So they decided to draw straws on who's gonna sacrifice themselves

'so the other two can live.

'So they draw straws...

(♪ "La donna è mobile")

'And this one cabin boy gets the short stick.'

The boy sacrifices himself, and the other two drink his blood,

eat him, and they're rescued a few days later and live happily ever after.

Minus the mental trauma of eating their friend, correct?

His name?

- Richard Parker. - Again... fiction.

So, like 50 years later, off the coast of England, I think, there's a shipwreck.

'And these three guys get stuck on a lifeboat.'

- (Jonah) Fiction or real this time? - Real.

'So just like in the book,

'they end up capturing a sea turtle and drinking its blood to survive,

'and just like in the book... it's not enough.

'So they decided to draw straws.'

(♪ "La donna è mobile")

The young man who got the short stick...

...Richard.

No.

Parker.

That's why the tiger's name is Richard Parker in "Life of Pi",

because of this crazy coincidence.

You do realise, though, that the moral of this story seems to be

that drinking seagull blood is not gonna be enough.

We're gonna have to sacrifice one of us for the good of the group.

Well...

...cheers.

(Sasha) Why did I suggest this?

OK.

(Sasha gags)

How long would this actually help us? I mean, this can't be safe.

- Safe enough, and I don't know. - Just drink it, you pussy.

- Look, I don't think I can. - Give it here.

- No, it's not that bad. - It really is. If you don't want it...

Stop, stop it. It's not bad.

(Retches)

- What a waste! - Oh, God. Oh, God, that's awful.

I need something to get this taste out of mouth.

- You've got ocean water or motor oil. - Or urine.

- You can still go? I haven't for days. - I almost would drink piss at this point.

Wait...

- I was kidding, I'm not drinking piss. - What?

- I hope you forgot to throw this out. - (Jonah) And not motor oil!

From when we bought the boat.

You couldn't remember that before the fucking seagull?

I forgot about it.

Will this dehydrate me more?

Alcohol while lost at sea was not in my curriculum.

Fuck it.

Easy, tiger, come on.

- Hey, hey, hey, come on. - Over here, come to mama.

Oh...

(Groans)

Oh, I love Scotch suddenly.

- Hey, where are you going? - I'll give it, I'll give...

Hey, hey! Listen to me.

I'll give it,

once you or you tell me how and when...

...y'all started fucking.

- Dude, come on, this is... - Mm-hmm.

No one gets another drop until someone tells me.

- What's knowing gonna do at this point? - I'm not mad anymore, I swear to God.

I got my Even Steven, I got bigger problems now.

I just... I just wanna know.

New Years.

Hand it over.

You passed out for the millionth time,

and Jay and I were up cleaning for the millionth time.

He knew I was upset, and it just happened.

I was also really drunk.

Well, don't make it sound like I took advantage of you.

Does that make it better?

- How many times? - Just the once, I swear.

What'd I catch you guys arguing about?

- We, er... - No, you.

I wanna hear it from you.

Well, she and I, we, er...

You know...

...when you dropped those urns,

I was just sitting there, staring at them, and thinking...

"Why aren't I more upset?"

That this pile of shit on the ground is what's left of my parents, right?

And I just didn't care.

There was no nostalgia, nothing. I just...

I just thought we could take off together, is all.

But she said, if we did...

...you or your dad would come after us.

That's the truth.

- Hey, who was better? - What?

- In bed. - Seriously?

- No, I mean it, who was better? - Dude, you're just asking for it.

Hey, I'm not mad anymore. Come on, this is cathartic.

Seriously, if we're all gonna fucking die out here,

then who gives a fuck, right, come on.

(Groans) Give it.

All right, but no fighting, either of you.

- This is gonna be good. - This is stupid.

Who gives a shit? Come on, it's funny.

- Sorry. - For what?

He's better.

- Yes! - What?

- It's not important. - Well, it is to me.

- Am I bad? - No, no, no. He's just...

Hold on, this is some bullshit. I'm a disadvantage here.

He knows all your... all your stuff, and if I ever got a chance to...

- I said sorry. - If you just told me what you like...

- (Sasha) No, it's not that. - Shut up!

And you... I'll take you to the desk and I'll change your mind right now.

- You wouldn't be able to. - Why the hell not?

You're... you're too soft.

Soft?

- Soft? - (Richard) I'm so glad I asked.

It's like you got your moves from the softcore channel.

- That's enough. Enough, enough! - You're vanilla.

- Vanilla? - Yeah.

Are you fucking with me?

Very vanilla for someone who has sex with prostitutes.

One time, that happened one fucking...

Vanilla goes with everything, it's a classic. Everybody likes it.

You want mint chocolate chip when it's a special occasion,

but you don't want it every fucking day.

Jay, vanilla is fine. A lot of girls really like vanilla.

Isn't that what everybody wants, the safe, reliable, vanilla flavour,

with a little bit of fudge or something on top?

Shut the fuck up...

Jay, I cheated on my long-term boyfriend with his best friend.

(Richard clapping) Finally it's articulated, we got it out.

I can guarantee you, the last thing I was looking for was classic, safe vanilla.

- Oh, I can't believe this. - (Sasha) I said sorry.

Oh, hey, gear down, big rig.

Fuck it, you know what? You got a weird sex face.

- A what? - You heard me, your sex face is strange.

- Yeah, it's fucking weird. - Like you're about to sneeze at all times.

- What? - It's like...

- That's it. - No way! I do not do that!

- Yes, you do. She absolutely does. - You know what?

When you're on top, you sweat so much, it's like I'm taking a shower.

- Ew! - It's not that bad.

And I feel like covering my face with a towel sometimes,

because there's just like a monsoon

of Richard just raining down upon me.

A monsoon!

Tsunami!

Nasty, that is nasty.

- (Jonah) That's fucked up, man. - You need to get that checked.

(Jonah sighs)

Vanilla?

Vanilla.

Fuck me.

Ow! Fuck.

Careful with that.

- That can't be good. - Let me see.

OK, go, go, salt water, go.

No, the salt water isn't doing shit! Hand me the Scotch.

No, we're not wasting it on that. Salt water's the same thing.

- Just a little? - It's the same thing as salt water. Go!

Go. Now! Go!

Fine!

I think I'm drunk.

Monsoon Richard.

(Jonah giggles)

Hey, true or not, I appreciate the vote of confidence.

Why would I lie about that?

I don't know, maybe you feel bad about the way it all went down.

I don't feel bad.

Did you kill her, or did your dad?

I thought we were putting it all out there.

I already told you... we didn't do it.

(Pained gasping)

Fuck!

- Fucking, fucking hurts! It hurts! - (Sasha) Jay...

- It's gonna be all right. - You're probably just hungry and thirsty.

I don't know if it was the fucking bird or the Scotch but it fucking hurts.

- Oh, shit. - Holy fuck.

- (Jonah) That's fucking bad, isn't it? - Sasha, what do we do?

We usually treat infections like this with antibiotics.

And when we don't have those?

We gotta stop the infection from reaching his heart.

You mean we...?

- No, no... - Are you serious?

I don't know how else to stop the infection from spreading.

We don't even have any knives.

- Sasha, stop! - He's fucking dying, Richard.

I'm right here, I'm not fucking dying, I'm good.

Couldn't this kill him too, when the new cut gets infected?

I know you two can hear me. Look, I'm fine, I swear.

Look, look, look, look.

(Gasps of pain)

(Groans)

Oh, fuck! It feels like there's ants crawling in my veins.

Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, listen...

If we don't do this,

if this reaches your heart or your brain,

you're dead, 100%.

Be brave.

- Richard, give me your belt. - What did he say?

- Nothing. Just give me your belt. - What did he say?

Just fucking help me!

You ready?

Wait!

Ah! OK, now you can go.

- (Sasha) Seriously? - Look, I'm fucking thirsty.

His blood could be toxic or...

- I don't fucking know any more. - (Mumbling)

Oh, my God!

- (Sasha) Richard! - Oh, fuck!

Fuck off, dude!

- Richard, where's the goddamn tape? - I don't know.

Fuck off!

(Screaming)

(Jonah) That was a terrible fucking idea!

Hey... can I have some?

I told you.

(Sasha) Idiot.

Come on!

♪ Where I go, I fall back asleep

♪ Why call in sick, if everyone, not me

♪ Old strangers come in and out, discreet...

(Coughing)

Fuck.

I don't know, I still can't figure this shit out.

- I think he has sepsis. - What?

Blood poisoning.

Hey, if he dies...

...can we, er...?

What?

What?

Is he edible?

No.

- No, as in he's not edible, or no...? - No, as in we're not eating anybody.

Sasha, what the fuck?

I can raise one of the straws so you don't pick it.

- You two deserve each other. - What?

Do you want to know what he whispered to me last night?

He asked me if I thought about using the glass shard on you instead of him.

(Moaning)

(Pained noises)

Fuck!

It's OK. You're gonna be all right.

(Jonah gasping)

OK, OK, deep breaths, OK.

Deep breaths.

Just breathe.

Yeah, OK.

OK.

You're not being honest with me, are you?

What?

Richard Parker.

Don't you think it's time we draw straws?

I'm on my way out if something doesn't change soon.

If I don't eat or drink something soon, I'm gonna die, right?

- What if it's me you're gotta eat? - No, no, that won't be a problem...

I heard that, you fuck! I also heard what you said last night.

You're the one dying. Why don't you be a man for once and volunteer yourself?

We wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you.

Oh, whatever crush you're harbouring, let it go, dude, it's fucking embarrassing!

- No, you're embarrassing. - You had your shot, she didn't pick you.

No, but I wouldn't fuck around on her, would I?

You hear that, Sasha? Even after what happened last year, he still cheats on you.

- You're a fucking idiot. - Yeah, I'm the idiot?

All that shit you pulled last year and you still couldn't learn your fucking lesson!

- Just tell her you love her, huh? - I would do anything for her.

You most certainly did do anything!

You're so chivalrous, why don't you tell her what you did to my ex?

- What? - Wait, that can't be right, can it?

- You're the mistreated nice guy. - The fuck is going on, guys?

You hate me, you're scared of me for what you think I did.

Way to run right into the real psycho's arms!

Jay?

Sasha. Sasha, I...

Look... I knew if you left, it was over.

The three of us wouldn't hang out, and you would be gone.

You wouldn't be around anymore.

I was gonna try and convince her to get rid of the baby,

but she, er...

...she wouldn't listen, OK?

It was an accident.

- (Gasps) - Hey, hey, hey. No, no.

I was just trying to keep us together.

But I'm the asshole, right? He's the gentleman?

- You just use us, that's all you do. - I spend all my money on you guys!

You'd never leave your mum's basement if it wasn't for me.

You do all that shit for you! Not us!

So you can have a good fucking time, you selfish prick.

I have nothing.

My family left me nothing.

I never asked you for anything, and you never offered!

You have no idea what it's like to work for everything.

I think we should draw straws.

(Richard) OK...

Before we start, everyone clear on the rules?

No begging.

No pleading.

This is so the other two can continue to live.

You first.

Pick.

All right, Jay.

Fuck you.

Fucking Richard Parker.

Wait. Dude, we can't let her do this.

- We said no pleading. - You're not the one who's pleading.

- You're just gonna let her do this? - Fucking off yourself if you're so offended.

I didn't think so.

Can you do it yourself?

OK. OK.

We'll draw straws again to see who has to...

...has to take her out.

- I'll do it. - (Richard) What?

You get to pick this time.

Even Steven.

Pick, Rich.

Pick.

Hmm... (Chuckles)

(Jonah laughs)

You always have to come up even, don't you?

(Laughing)

(Jonah) I don't wanna do this.

Just get it over with.

- No. - This is what we said we'd do.

No!

You fuck.

We had a deal...

Hey...

You OK?

(Whimpers)

Oh...

You hungry?

Come on.

It's all right.

Stay here.

I found this when I was looking for the golf club.

- (Jonah) I need her help finding it. - (Richard) He doesn't need shit, stay here.

Here, sit. Sit.

Oh, and check this out.

Excuse me.

The fuse box is in there.

I pulled the ignition.

This little guy is why the boat wouldn't start.

It gave us a chance to get rid of him.

For the lie detector.

You were so good.

The speargun and that Richard Parker shit, such a good idea.

Just, er...

Just shitty luck with my arm.

And you pulling the short straw.

But didn't that just show how little he cared?

How he was willing to let you die?

None of that matters anymore.

We can run away now.

Together.

You said that.

You said that we're gonna run away together.

You said that we could get the cash in his closet

and get out of here.

You said that.

I...

I thought I said...

...you could take the cash.

You...

You aren't gonna come?

(Gasps)

I...

Of course I am.

Of course.

OK, now...

Eat.

I'll get us home as soon as possible.

We'll just have to say we found the fuse after we drew straws.

OK?

OK.

Don't worry...

...I'll get us home.

(Gasps)

(Engine starts)

You ready?

Jesus, you do have a good punch.

(Narrator) 'You know someone once told me,

'the sea finds out everything you've done wrong.

'So between his bad-luck name and his now public sins,

'I think it's fair to say Jonah had this coming.'

Oh!

'And while we still don't know the reason behind the red-headed superstition,

'we do know that, for whatever reason,

'it definitely holds true.'

Fuck!

Fuck!

(Man) 'OK. Ah, all right, do that again.'

(Man #2) 'Moving on.'

(Man) 'Perfect. Print it. Let's go, all right.'

(Laughter)