Original subtitles

Previously on "Crawford":

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

???

RITA: You love raccoons. I know that to be true.

- Yes! - What I don't understand

is that, it appears that the raccoons seem to love you back.

My hypothesis is that when the raccoons look at you...

- Rita! - WENDY: Brian!

I can't stay here.

I'm just gonna take the money that I have left,

and I'm gonna go check into a hotel.

- Look, relax. - There are animals in the walls.

I guess Don forgot a couple of pals.

What are you talking about?

RITA: I have watched those raccoons when they look at you.

It's like they're in a trance, or something.

Two explanations.

One, raccoons are communicating with you

through mental telepathy, or two,

you're experiencing the symptoms of a disorder

that you should speak to someone about.

I just need to check with you about the car service.

More than a few times we've been billed,

when you were here in the building.

- (CAMERA CLICKS) - DON: Abort! Abort! Abort!

! Go! Go! Go!

- (EXTINGUISHER WHOOSHES) - Hey, you busy?

No, not at all. Come on inside.

All right.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

I work for the woman who invented this cereal.

It's the first day on the shelf.

Ah!

- (RACCOON CHIRPS) - DON: Guys, please, all right,

this is not fun for me. We've been at this all morning.

I can't just crawl around up here.

- (DON'S PHONE BUZZES) - RITA: Don, pick up!

Hello?

Uh, hey Don, it's Rita.

Uh, you're never gonna believe this, but I'm being arrested.

You gotta come pick up your shit, man!

Get my shit? What are you talking...

Rita, what are you talking about?

It's all over! They got it all on tape, man!

Hey, if my Mom asks, I'm at your house.

KUMAR: Bye Rita! - Kumar! I'll be back!

Please! I'm sorry!

Kumar's not gonna let me stay here, now!

Do you know who I am? My name is Rita Rajavatnaram,

and I did not mean to do this! Kumar: Good riddance!

DON: Rita, please stop... Ugh.

Guys, we gotta go.

- (RACOON CHITTERS) - Okay, I'm comin' up there.

???

Faulty installation of one-way doors.

There are more raccoons than ever.

Don was late, and appeared high, nervous,

and disoriented.

He stood in a corner for 5 minutes

and charged me 85 bucks. I...

I think Don's lost it.

Um, yeah, bud, you think?

I need you to go into his room, into the closet,

and get all my stuff, okay?

- It's not that bad in there. - It is that bad in there.

- It is full of trash pandas. - I'll talk to Don.

Just don't worry about this, okay?

Okay. Hey, while you're up, can you get me an Eggo?

- Okay. - No, but I'm serious this time.

CYNTHIA: Are you okay?

Uh, I'm in a bit of a tight spot, all right?

I had to go get my stuff from Rita's.

Somethin' happened, so I need a place to crash for a few days.

- Is that cool? - Yeah, sure.

Yeah, you can have your room.

Wendy's hiding out in Brian's room.

- Why? - Raccoons, Don.

Raccoons are back. They're diggin' holes.

Wendy is completely freaking out, okay,

and they keep following Brian with their eyes.

No, that's not possible, all right, they can't be.

I can hear them in the walls. Just like your Dad did.

Then stop listening to them.

And you've got to tell Brian not to look them

directly in the eyes. All right?

You be cool, they'll be cool. Everybody just be cool.

Okay, okay, sure. That's a good idea.

Um, look, I gotta get to work, okay?

- I love you. Good luck today. - (DOOR SHUTS)

???

Yes!

CYNTHIA: (LAUGHS) Thank you, Elizabeth.

- Hi. Hi, Dev. - Good morning.

DEV: Morning, Cynthia. Taylor was looking for you.

Yeah, I know, I can't believe it. He just texted me.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(CAT PURRS)

Hey, Sunbeamers.

(SIGHS)

(DEV SPRAYS CLEANER)

(CAT MEOWS)

Hey, Dev, whatcha doin'?

Nose prints from Taylor's dog.

Ah, thank you.

Morning. Got a second?

Yeah! Come on in.

Have a seat, guys.

First, let me start by saying my nephews love the Drones.

They are crazy about 'em.

But unfortunately,

your cereal's not happening at retail.

The returns are just pouring in.

Normal.

In unnormal numbers.

We've never had this many returns. Ever.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Cynthia,

but it just didn't work.

Well, maybe it was the new name

and no sugar that didn't work.

TAYLOR: Ah, come on. (CHUCKLES)

There is nothing wrong with the name.

The product failed.

And you're gonna have to take some responsibility for that.

Taylor, I'll take responsibility for it,

but guys, I mean sometimes things work,

sometimes they don't. It's about risk.

Well, yes, but we took the risk.

So if you want to take the Rockaberry Wheat Drone,

we'll take it, do whatever you want with it.

No, wait, hold on guys, are we serious?

We're talking about intellectual property here.

Don't need it! It's yours.

Okay, in that case,

I better work on something amazing for next quarter.

So, are we all good?

No, now we're not good here.

Can you sit down, please?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

???

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

You're good. Manny's inside. Come on.

Owen! Psst! Psst!

(WHISPERS) Come, come!

Down. Down!

The police have been to Exquisite,

the police have been to my gym. But don't worry,

I will not say a word, and they will not take me alive.

- (VOICE) But you're innocent. - What?

(VOICE) I'll prove they framed you.

No, no, no, there's no time. Don't you understand?

If we wait any longer, it'll ruin me!

We have to keep this out of court, and out of the papers.

I've agreed to pay them.

(VOICE) Pay them once, and pay forever.

No! Listen to me. No way we're doing that!

I know there's a risk of dealing with men

with no honour.

And that's why I need some backup.

And that's you, Owen.

What? No?

Owen, yes!

I'm a man of the people, and the customers need me,

and I need them.

Shhh! Look at me!

Look at here, Owen, right here!

Yes! Yes!

Manny's call. Manny's life. Manny's way.

Good man. I knew you had it in you.

Now, the lawyer wants to settle fast,

and I think it's a good idea.

Guys, can you give us a minute, please? Guys?

(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS)

So, Taylor, uh, what's with the urgency?

What's this all about?

This is what it's all about. It's a letter from a lawyer,

who states two of our service cars, signed out to you,

took your husband, a bunch of thugs,

drove to the edge of town, and firebombed a truck.

An arson. Now the victims are pressing charges.

What?

Come on, really. Owen? Arson?

No, no you gotta be kidding. This is a prank.

I saw the plates. We investigated.

We did some digging, we confirmed it.

They were our cars.

We cannot overlook this. We're liable for this.

There's no way we can let this go by.

Look, I didn't want to have to fire you

just because Vern insisted.

It's not the way I wanted it to go

because I think you're fantastic,

and brilliant at what you do.

But, I can't abide by what's goin' on here.

I'm sorry Cynthia, you're gonna have to go.

You collect your things, please.

Taylor, no seriously,

are you listening to yourself right now?

You can't believe this.

I don't believe this. This is-this is nuts! Okay?

I can't believe you're buying into this.

Somebody is lying to you.

- Cynthia... - How can you say this to me?

Fire me? Vern told you to fire me?

After everything we've done together? After I...

How do you think I feel, Cynthia?

How many years do we have together?

How long have you been here?

How long have I counted on you for everything here?

You're the one I count on, and you let me down.

You gotta go.

Don't make it any harder than it already is, okay? Please.

- Collect your things, all right? - (CYNTHIA'S PHONE BUZZES)

- Hello? - Is now a good time to talk?

No.

(CATS MEOW)

You chose the wrong team, Dev. Team Fired.

And don't try to use me as a reference either,

'cause I'll tell people the truth about you.

You're a stinky little traitor with a capital T.

- Are you happy? - I'm very happy.

- Well, congrats. - Good bye.

- Ready to go? - Yeah.

Thanks, Dev. You don't have to be loyal to me, hon.

Oh no, he wants to be your little servant.

- Don't you, Dev-Dev. - Let's go.

???

VERONICA: Good luck!

Wish you all the best. (BLOWS KISS)

???

MAN: Bye, Cynthia. MAN 2: Bye, Cynthia.

MAN 3: Gonna miss you. WOMAN: Bye, Cyn.

WOMAN 2: Bye, Cyn.

(TIRE SCREECH, CAR RUMBLES)

(TURNS OFF ENGINE)

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

(PHONE BUZZES)

Hello, Ringtails?

Sir, I...

Okay, I dunno what to tell you, man, raccoons are smart.

All right? I'll refund your money. Okay?

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

I'm sorry.

- Hey man, what's up? - (RACCOON CHITTERS)

Dude, look, I need you to listen,

and I need you to tell the rest, all right?

The holes in the walls,

the little holes you are diggin' up in there,

you can't do that anymore, all right,

there's serious heat on right now.

So I'm gonna set you up in the shed.

Hey look, some chicken nuggets, water, somethin' like that.

- Is that cool? - (RACCOON CHITTERS)

Dude...

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

(RUSTLING IN CLOSET)

(FOOTSTEPS THUD ON STAIRS)

- Hey, man. So good to see you. - Hey.

- I'm glad you're home. - My, brother.

Yes, Brian, I'm home.

I'm home for a couple days, okay,

until I deal with my own stuff

and I sort out all this raccoon shit.

Okay, okay, okay, calm down, calm down.

- Breathe. - (DEEP INHALE AND EXHALE)

Let's go upstairs. Let's go upstairs.

- (RATTLING) - Shh!

So, have you seen the site? Have you seen the reviews?

Yes. I've read the reviews, Brian.

And what you need to understand

is that you can't please everyone.

WENDY: Brian! Trash pandas!

You know, people are saying I'm on drugs,

but I'm not on drugs. I wish I was on drugs.

Look, okay, you're not on drugs.

What are you doing downstairs, when the raccoons are upstairs,

driving Wendy out of the house?

Okay, I'm not gonna let that happen.

- WENDY: Brian! - Come on, let's go.

You're right.

???

You know what, Owen? You. You.

You are the only one I can count on right now.

(OWEN'S PHONE RINGS)

(VOICE) This is Owen. This is not a recording. I'm listening.

CYNTHIA: Owen, where are you?

No! No!

Hey, Cynthia, it's Manny.

Manny, where are you guys right now?

Should I tell her where we are?

Yes, tell me where you are!

What? What are you doing in Brian's room?

Uh, I've been sleeping in here ever since

a raccoon crawled into bed with me with a chicken wing,

and started licking my face in my sleep.

Yeah that means he likes you. That should be new for you.

Probably shouldn't screw it up this time.

No it doesn't, okay, I tried to push them back

into their holes, and they bit me.

- You don't push them! - Oh... my... god,

what is up with you and the raccoons?

Nothing. Nothing. We just...

we just kick it sometimes. We shoot the shit. It's cool.

That's not normal.

Brian says you think the raccoons are your friends.

Brian says? Why are you selling me under the bus?

Okay, look, it's complicated. Yes, they're my friends.

I don't have many friends. Just don't worry about it all right,

I'm gonna deal with it. Stay here.

- I need my room, okay? - Gross.

It's not what you think.

- (CLOSES DOOR) - Yo! Quickly, quick, dude,

we gotta talk.

Yo, Quig! Quig!

(RACCOON CHITTERS) I'm fillin' up the holes, man.

(RACCOON CHITTERS)

'Cause my mom asked me to, All right.

You guys gotta chill out.

Dude, we gotta make a deal, okay?

I'm gonna install like a magic door

so that you can get in from the outside of the house,

and into the walls, but you can't make any more holes.

So we both gotta leave this house. Good?

- (RACOON CHITTERS) - Okay.

(STAPLE GUN CLICKS)

(RACOON CHITTERS)

Okay.

I'm hungry, thank you.

(RACOON CHITTERS)

I don't know, dude, I haven't tried it yet.

- (CHOMPING) - Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

No, I just, no, Quigley I just ate it,

it's good. I like it. It's good.

(RACOON CHITTERS) You want me to eat it

or you want me to give it back, Quigley?

Dude, I don't understand what this game is.

Are we splitting it, or what's the plan?

Quigley, dude, come back!

No, Quig, come back, man! Dude, come back!

Don? Don?

Who're you uh, who're you talkin' to, man?

And what are you eating?

I'm eating a sandwich, Wendy.

Can you not see that? How 'bout you leave me alone.

Can I eat in peace?

Brian's masturbating in there. Have fun.

He's talkin' to raccoons again, isn't he?

Do Mom and Dad know about this?

Yeah, they have for like a week now.

(SIGHS) Okay, Brian, I need the room.

Okay.

(SHUTS OFF MACHINE, BAG RUSTLES)

- Want some? - No, God.

(SIGHS)

- You're the worst. - Darren: I miss ya.

- No you don't. - I do. You don't believe me?

Yeah, well I don't care.

I care. Of course I care.

Listen, I made a huge, huge mistake, Wendy.

You know?

Can I make it up to ya? Wen, please?

I just got my Manager cheque.

I think that we go and hit the road.

You know, motor inns, honky tonks,

let's get the hell outta this place, that's for sure.

No, you what? Forget it, okay?

You actually ruined my life, so,

so badly that I had to like move in with my parents.

And there are so many raccoons in this house,

you don't even understand.

Raccoons? What's goin' on? What're you talkin' 'bout?

There are more raccoons in this house

than seems plausible.

CYNTHIA: Excuse us, sorry.

(KNOCKS)

- Yes? - Yeah, my husband's here.

- No you can't. - Come on. Pardon me.

Oh gosh.

No hugs, Owen. Start talkin'.

(SIGHS)

- Cynthia, who is this guy? - Yeah.

Oh Manny, this is Dev, from work.

Yeah, he's givin' me a hand getting home today.

Good, hi. Feel free to let me know if you need anything.

Oh, that's very kind of you, thank you.

I'd love a latte and energy bar.

Maybe some nuts and some fruit for everybody, thank you.

Sir?

Hey, when you guys are done ordering coffees,

could someone please tell me what the hell's goin' on?

No, you keep typing.

(VOICE) I assured Manny that you would be supportive

and understanding through this difficult time,

and not ask a lot of questions. Love you.

Okay, let me get this straight.

So, you take my company cars

and fill them with crazy cop buddies in order to go

and threaten some hillbillies with flare guns.

Okay, is that how this went?

'Cause that's how I got fired.

When were you gonna tell me, Owen?

You want me to take over from here?

All right.

Firstly, I just wanna say that

I'm really sorry you lost your job.

No, I'll take responsibility for this one.

And you always have a job at Exquisite.

Now, the reason why Owen didn't want to say anything

is because you had a lot on your plate.

Bowl of cereal.

With respect to the launch.

So he was lookin' out for you.

There's a silver lining, and um,

I've agreed to pay these men off, and uh,

Owen here has agreed to help me.

And uh, we're gonna be one big, happy family again.

Everything will be fine.

(ENERGY BAR CRUNCHES)

Great. Great, yeah, oh just fine. Lovely.

DEV: Don't mind at all,

I'll take the cats over to Shellers.

I'm on my way there anyway, I have to get some Pampers.

CYNTHIA: Thanks, Dev.

(DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE)

Cynthia, if you need anything at all,

I'm just a phone call away.

(VOICE) I'm really sorry about you losing your job.

(SIGHS)

Look Owen, you're not a cop anymore.

It's not your injury that caused this,

it's your old tough-guy mentality.

You don't have to go chasin' bad guys all the time.

(VOICE) You're right, but I did it to protect you.

No more keeping secrets from me to protect me.

We're gonna face stuff together, okay?

(DOOR OPENS)

Okay um, Mom, Dad, I can't stay here anymore.

It's drivin' me nuts,

so I'm just gonna take the money I have,

and I'm gonna check myself into a hotel.

Wendy, please, please don't go. I need here, okay?

Hey, guys? Family meeting?

(SIGHS) I have some bad news.

So, you've also been fired

because of Dad and Manny's bullshit.

Congratulations, Dad,

you're gettin' the whole family fired.

Don!

Get over here.

You're the only one with a job in the entire family now,

- Raccoon Boy. - Look, I'm sorry, okay,

I started this whole thing with those Everley guys.

I threw the first punch.

(VOICE) It's not your fault, it's mine.

You really showed courage.

Could someone please get me and Wendy a glass of wine? I...

Guys, we-we are gonna get through this, okay,

as a family. It's gonna be fine.

- (DON GROANS) - (THUDS ON THE FLOOR)

Don!

- Ah! - Oh! Oh! Don't-don't move!

- Ah! - Someone call 911!

(DON SCREAMS IN PAIN)

Hi... Crawford.

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