Original subtitles

Previously on "Crawford"...

What a fan, my wife and kids are of Super Maple Pops.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

- Oh, hey guys. - Why so secretive?

Because a new cereal is due.

You have to find out what she's going to pitch

for next quarter, Dev. She's grimy and out of control.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Good, this is the year of secret wheat frost.

That was Bryce, at work today. Who would...

- (EXASPERATED SIGH) - I... oh... (LAUGHS)

I'm just visiting, all right,

I'm only here for a couple days.

- Just move in. - I got a record to make.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh shit, I should not have done it, man...

- But you did do it! It was fantastic! - I gotta go, bye.

I've been following you and Brian for a week,

I have issues with people,

so I check them out before I work with them. You check out.

How do you know so much about raccoons?

I'm a first year Vet Assistant.

Get him to watch one of his other documentaries,

he's getting a little obsessed with that one.

He's fixated on this whole cabin thing.

He's ordering old carpentry things online, it-it's dangerous.

He could really get hurt building this thing all by himself.

He could ask for my help, and he refuses to.

You could use your building contacts.

Anything for dad.

(BIRDS CHIRP ON FILM)

(TOOTHBRUSH RASPS)

NARRATOR: The cabin is growing.

28 logs are in place. 44 should do it.

But I don't want these logs looking as though a boy scout

was turned loose on them with a dull hatchet.

(LAUGHS)

(VOICE) Wendy said, the cabin frame is almost up.

- Already? - I want to camp there tonight.

Okay hon, but a-are you sure? Just one night right?

(VOICE) I'm fully recovered.

The woods are my Bryce.

- Okay. - (VOICE) I will take the Scout.

Ask Don.

You gave it to him when you were drunk?

I asked you if you're sure, remember?

Oh no you don't. Oh, by the way, you have to wear this.

- (SIGHS) - No, or no overnight, sorry no way.

(BANGING, OBJECTS CLATTER)

I'm up!

What?

- (VOICE) Come see the cabin. - No.

Dad, I gotta work today, man.

Do you want the Scout?

Dad just take the keys.

- (KEYS JINGLE) - (SLEEPY GROAN)

(VOICE) Come camping at the cabin tonight. It will be fun.

I don't want to.

Aw! You go alone, okay? Alone in the wilderness, no?

We will go to the mall tomorrow.

- I love you, Domo. - (SLAMS DOOR)

Huh? Dad?

(TRAFFIC WHOOSHES)

(PHONES RING)

Secret wheat frost,

I'll have to tell my grandfather.

When secret wheat frost hits the shelves,

I'll tell your grandfather personally

when we are partying on my yacht.

Why are you fantasizing about my grandfather?

(TRUNK DOORS SLAM)

- (DOOR SLAMS) - (SIGHS)

(LOUD HIP HOP MUSIC BLARES)

???

(ENGINE RUMBLES)

Dad!

(SIGHS)

(LOW HUM OF CHATTER)

(CAR RUMBLES UP)

(DOORS OPEN AND SHUT)

- Thanks, man. - No problem.

(WOMAN SPEAKS HINDU)

Up there? Thank you.

(STEPS THUD ON STAIRS)

(GLASS SMASHES)

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

Are y-you, okay?

- Argh. - Jesus.

- No. - Why?

Late last night, I rescued four raccoon kittens

above the Dirty Bird.

Well, they were dehydrated and starved so I put them on IV,

but I lost one. I saved those dudes so...

(RACCOONS CHIRP)

The one that I lost, I named Casey

and I started to get kind of attached to him,

and I wanted to take a closer look so I put him the freezer,

my roommate got up before I did

and I didn't even know she was here and she is high as shit,

eating bleach pods and frothing at the mouth.

Anyways she opens the refrigerator

and she finds Casey.

She freaks out, goes like totally crazy,

starts punching me in the face, while I'm asleep in my bed.

So I punch her back in the face harder, she calls the cops.

Anyway, she's not pressing charges but she's moving out.

Her fat mom's helping her. I hate them both.

So you need a roommate.

- Total shit show. - It's hardcore.

Hey, where's Taylor?

Aren't we gonna wait for Taylor?

Taylor's not coming to the meeting.

Wants me to tell him which cereal idea

should go to production.

What? Really? Are you kidding?

So let's uh, start the meeting.

I'll flip a coin to see who goes first,

whether it's going to be Veronica or a, Cynthia.

- Here we go. - Okay.

- Ow! Vern! What the hell? - Jesus, I am so sorry Devon.

- Dad, really? - Call it.

No need, please, Cynthia, go first.

Wonderful, thanks Veronica.

First if everyone can download

the Rockaberry Fruit Drones app.

I sent to you this morning, marked "URGENT, AM meeting"

exclamation point.

- Don't know... - Dad, it's right here.

You open up your email, you hit the link and you open it.

Oh.

(ENGINE RUMBLES, LOUD MUSIC PLAYS)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(SAW WHIRRING)

What do you think?

(VOICE) What's all this?

- It's a cabin kit. - (CAMERA CLICKS)

Everything you need to build a cabin in three days, so.

You can start "woodsing" it up with your "woodsyness."

Owen, sir! Great, I get you.

And your aesthetic.

You are a man of the people but also, a man of the wild.

What do you think, huh?

A special hot tub in the woods, wilderness just for you.

(HUMMING) Ta ta ta na. Is this not spectacular?

Man, I couldn't resist the columns, but otherwise,

rustic, alone, at night by yourself,

under the stars. Thoughts brewing.

There's hot water! I mean, you have to,

you have to pump it yourself but it's not difficult at all.

What's wrong now?

(VOICE) I don't want prefab. I don't want a hot tub.

Y-you can, you can make this work. This isn't bad!

Yes! Yes!

What exactly did I do wrong this time?

D-do you know how long I've worked on this?

Do you know the all the planning I put in

and what I did at work to get all this stuff and...

I worked for three days on this!

(VOICE) This is my fault. I should have done this myself.

I want to be alone.

Fine. Then be alone.

- Manny! - Yeah.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

What's missing? Okay. W-what used to be great?

You know, think back to when you were kids, gang.

Free inside every box, uh,

c'mon is anyone here in the cereal business?

Yes, Cynthia,

some of us are very much in the cereal business.

Welcome to it.

Really? C'mon easy question. Vern?

D-don't put me on the spot, please.

Toys.

I was gonna say that, toys, yeah, toys.

Like the good ole days.

Good Vern, see?

Associating toys in cereal and this guy has been

in the cereal business for a few years. Very nice.

So for you today, what we have here,

is a toy with a months worth of free cereal.

Ladies and Gentleman,

today we present to you the worlds first mega cereal...

(IN UNISON) Rockaberry Fruit Drones!

How much a box?

Is that the only thing in your head, Vern?

You have been in the cereal business for what, 40 years,

- and that's all that you... - No.

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

- Dad. - Oh no, you should have said that.

But Vern does raise an important question.

Okay, gasp now, but on the shelves, $14.50.

(SCOFFS) Oh, everybody is rich now, hm, great.

Like I said this is cereal, reinvented.

That's pretty expensive.

Ooh, it's so expensive.

Yeah what about, like, sneakers and phones

and all the crap that kids want, okay? That is expensive.

She's right.

For an actual drone, for that matter.

You know what, let's show them?

All right, countdown is on.

Open your apps to launch countdown,

STEP 1: The drone is powered with a wind up power motor elastic.

Operated using bluetooth on your phone,

it just needs a common static charge from someone's hair

or a bathroom towel to work for hours.

Mess up the one guy who has nice hair?

I just needed a common static charge but yeah,

I guess you have nice hair.

- I didn't mean it like that. - Okay.

- Devon keep it together. - And, now, lift off.

(WHIRRING)

That's so cool. With this? Wow. Neat.

(DRONE WHIRS)

???

(DRONE LANDS WHIRRING STOPS)

(LAUGHS) That's cool.

(CLAPPING)

So good, so good. Good job, guys.

Loved it. Fantastic.

You just made my pitch so much easier.

Going to go back to she shopping. (CLICKS TONGUE)

So bad.

Kids with drones? Dangerous.

Ooh, pretty.

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

Hey! Don. Hey.

Hey what's up, buddy? Um,

Rita this is my brother Brian, Brian this is Rita.

Nice to meet you, are you a musician?

Nope. A scientist. It s nice to meet you too.

Uh, Brian, could I talk to you inside for a minute please?

- Sure she's cute. - No she's not.

I'm moving in with Rita, Brian.

What? Wait, wait, you're living with a girl? Why?

Dad's gonna freak.

No, Dad's already freakin' Brian, all right.

All my gear, the weird recycling thing he's doing,

I'm pretty sure I'm making his life more chaotic.

Check it out, Rita's place is cheap.

I can afford it, I can work on my new record.

We are not attracted to each other, she's a total weirdo.

Pretty sure she's asexual, I'm homosexual.

She's a veterinarian and a scientist, she loves raccoons.

We are making a difference, man, we are saving raccoons!

Oh, okay. So it's about raccoons now, huh?

Well, what about making a difference

in your brother's life. If you leave,

my game will be so shook. Wendy's gone.

Don's gone. They will think "why isn't Brian gone?"

and what about dad? What about Domo?

Don't call him Domo.

If you leave, you'll make him so sad.

Ever since you came back, he's been so cheerful, so happy.

You are going to break his heart.

It's not just me, man, it's you.

Don't you just see how happy you make him?

Pfft. No I don't.

NARRATOR: "Finally back to the cabin building.

38 logs are in place and I'm almost ready for the eve logs.

(SAW RASPS)

I have harvested the logs from a standless Spruce

less than 300 hundred yards from where they were down by.

(SAW RASPS LOUDLY)

(TIRED EXHALE)

NARRATOR: It was time to be moving on.

(CAN CLANGS)

(BOBCAT GROWL)

(FOLIAGE RUSTLES)

(LOW GROWL)

(SNARLING)

Should we text the boss, Sunbeamers?

- (PURRING) - Yes we should.

I'll tell him that he just won a free Egg Mcmuffin.

I did that once and he replied right away.

Sweet. Tell him,

that I-I'm upset that he wasn't at my pitch.

That Vern, speaking on behalf of Taylor,

said that he was quote "too busy",

so I'm thinking maybe I need to move on,

to someone who is not "too busy." All the best.

- Okay. - Cereal Killer, Cynthia.

Okay. For reals though, right?

Like, you are not just shooting the breeze with Sunbeamers, right?

Text this to your boss.

Right, yeah. Cause I am so out of here.

Whoa. Hold on.

I guess I'm speaking for both of us here?

- (SENT BUTTON BEEPS) - Sent.

(IN UNISON) Cereal for life.

(PHONE CLATTERS, DIAL TONE)

(LOW GROWL)

(BIG SNARL)

(PANTING)

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

Hey, Tic Tac. Let's go, boy.

C'mon boy. Come on. Yeah.

Let me just fix your scarf.

Fix your scarf, there we go.

There we go. Okay, let's go.

Let's go kick some butt.

(WHIRRING)

Oh my God, look at this thing.

Holy helicopters, Batman, this is awesome.

I feel like a kid when I see this stuff.

- Ta-da! - And here's the kicker.

We don't add the sugar. Moms add the sugar.

So technically, this is a sugar-free product.

- Even on the box, it says sugar-free. - Free?

Sugar is free inside every box actually.

No I don't think so.

We are paying $2 for that sugar.

That one little packet of sugar.

Look, this is why you have a problem here.

You are 15 dollars, at retail.

It is total - here you go.

It is insanity, Cynthia!

Drop the sugar thing and scale down that fruity stuff.

I don't know...

T-the name of the cereal is Rockaberry FRUIT drone.

So there is kind of a promise of a fruit flavour.

I-I would have to change the name.

So? Something with a rock or with a drone.

Like, a wheat drone, or drone-y wheaty rocky,

I don't know, help me here.

But the prototype drones we made, which cost a lot,

are all fruit.

Berries, oranges, mangos, kiwis, bananas, pinea...

Shellers... envision. So here's the drone.

The drone goes out, it gets the fruit,

brings the fruit back to the wheat.

They're on a mission.

They're on a mission for better nutrition.

Go with that, I like that. That's perfect, I love it.

Get it down to 12 bucks, Cyn. As Goddamn crazy as that is.

I know you can do it. And by the way,

I didn't come today because Susan and I

are gonna see "Iron Maiden".

I bought these tickets months ago.

And it's her turn to get drunk. So, Tic Tac?

Oh, I agree. Susan should get totally wasted

at "Iron Maiden". Yeah.

Taylor, I swear, I can get this under 13, under 12, I swear.

Uh, look, you don't get it. I'm in a big hurry here.

If you don't want to do the sugar then focus on the wheat.

I know you can do it.

This is my headline, okay? "Whole wheat".

- Okay. - Wheat Rocked Drones.

See? That is so cool.

I knew you would come up with something super cool.

It's friggin' super cool. Wheat Rocked Drones.

I love it. Let's make it happen.

Okay.

Look, I love it that you're going all wild side,

I really do. I need it.

I really need it and I totally respect it,

it keeps me on my toes.

But keep it under wraps, okay?

Don't say anything, but we have a deal here.

Tic-Tac! C'mon buddy, let's go! Okay. Ah shit TicTac.

Bye Taylor. Tic-tac!

(BIRDS CHIRP)

???

(PANTING)

(FLY BUZZES)

(FOOTSTEPS RUSTLE IN THE FOLIAGE)

(PANTING)

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(PANTING)

???

(DESPERATE SIGHS)

WOMAN: "Your help call is in progress. Please wait."

(BRACELET BEEPS)

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS CRUNCH)

Sir! Are you okay? You need me to call 911?

(DOG PANTS)

(DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE)

- (BEEPING) - Dads medical alert.

(BEEPING)

RITA: So it's right here.

(LOW HUM OF CHATTER)

So you gotta come through the front door of the store

every time to get to your apartment?

- Yeah. - Forgot to ask, how's the water pressure?

- It sucks. Rule number 1... - Uh huh.

- Don't touch my tools. - Okay.

Rule number 2. Never eat my food.

- Got it. - Rule number 3.

No friends allowed ever.

Maybe just lay that over there.

Okay. I gotta release these guys first.

(RACOON CHIRP)

Hey, what are you working on anyway?

Uh, my ultimate goal is to design

a oral contraceptive for raccoons.

(PHONE BUZZES)

Something is going on with my dad, I have to go.

Bye. Hi.

(RACCOONS CHIRP)

To Friday nights! Phones off everybody!

- Phones off Friday! - Here, here!

Uh...

she's on a cleanse, or can I tell them?

Uh, sure.

Shellers is going to be a mommy!

(ALL TOGETHER) Congratulations!

Why is everyone pretending like they didn't know?

To Shellers baby and I wish we could talk about it, today!

Today!

Cheers to something we don't know about! Okay.

I guess there's just a lot to toast Veronica.

Always have to have the last laugh, huh?

I know it was you that sent that email to Owen.

Oh, whatever. (LAUGHS)

Stay out of stuff that's not your business.

You are my business.

(CRASHES)

Ugh. (PAINED GRUNTS)

- (ATTACK YELL) - Ahh! (CRASHES)

- Stop, stop, stop. - Devon! Devon, let me go!

Fine.

- I hate you, Cynthia. - Are you okay?

Yeah I'm fine, just okay, you stop it.

- You smell like onion dip. - Mom? Mom.

- Oh she's fighting dirty. - Taylor's dog escaped.

Mom what are you doing?

Why aren't you answering your phone? Mom! Mom!

- Is that better there? - Yeah. It's good, thank you.

- Where's dad? - Here he is.

(VOICE) I have to pay ambulance bastards 300 bucks

- for ride home. - Dad are you okay?

Sit down. Oh my God.

(VOICE) I'm done with the cabin stuff,

all of us together is all I need.

I'm just glad you are okay. (PAINED WHIMPERS)

(LIGHTS FLICKER)

That was just the raccoons messing with the wiring.

- W-we can fix that. - (LIGHTS FLICKER)

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