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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,166 We have to transform those sex bots. 2 00:00:02,250 --> 00:00:03,750 They have to be absolutely convincing. 3 00:00:03,834 --> 00:00:06,083 What if we connect a real Comms Link 4 00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:07,125 to their prop headsets. 5 00:00:07,417 --> 00:00:09,750 That is exactly the sort of idea I should have had, 6 00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:11,125 if I weren't a complete fraud. 7 00:00:11,208 --> 00:00:12,208 ♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 8 00:00:12,291 --> 00:00:13,709 Here's an idea to get people to like you, 9 00:00:13,792 --> 00:00:16,291 cocktail party. You can meet 19 people a week. 10 00:00:16,375 --> 00:00:17,458 Don't people come in couples? 11 00:00:17,542 --> 00:00:20,208 No, widows, widowers, priests, ugly people. 12 00:00:20,291 --> 00:00:22,250 -You're not a couple. -Neither was Zeus. 13 00:00:22,458 --> 00:00:23,458 I'm basically Zeus. 14 00:00:23,667 --> 00:00:26,041 KAREN KELLY: I would suggest everyone laughing, 15 00:00:26,125 --> 00:00:28,083 hitting it off, maybe on the bridge. 16 00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:30,166 This is perfect. Get some Mr. Average 17 00:00:30,250 --> 00:00:31,750 to push that fake button we have for the kids. 18 00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:33,625 Can I join the party? Go! 19 00:00:33,792 --> 00:00:35,875 -(CROWD GASPS) -(BELLOWING) 20 00:00:35,959 --> 00:00:37,458 There's a rupture in the turd shield. 21 00:00:37,542 --> 00:00:39,291 A real captain would be out there. 22 00:00:39,458 --> 00:00:42,959 -You ready to do this? -With every fiber of my being... 23 00:00:43,250 --> 00:00:44,125 No. 24 00:00:50,667 --> 00:00:52,792 One, two. One, two. (CLEARS THROAT) 25 00:00:52,875 --> 00:00:53,834 Hello, I'm Jordan. 26 00:00:53,917 --> 00:00:55,375 Best stand-up comic this side of Mars. 27 00:00:55,458 --> 00:00:57,083 Also, the only stand-up comic this side of Mars, 28 00:00:57,166 --> 00:00:59,583 but don't tell my mum that, she's super impressed. 29 00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:01,458 (MUTTERING) Laugh, laugh, laugh. Uh... 30 00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:03,792 -Two, two. Is this thing on? -Yeah, it's on. 31 00:01:03,875 --> 00:01:05,834 No-- I know. It's a bit. 32 00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:08,208 The "is this on" thing, 33 00:01:08,291 --> 00:01:11,000 to imply that the audience weren't laughing. 34 00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:14,041 Best thing about doing stand-up in space? 35 00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:15,333 Literally no pressure. 36 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,750 -Is this thing on? -Yup. 37 00:01:18,834 --> 00:01:20,458 No, I know it's... 38 00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,250 And then I'll plug the beer. 39 00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:27,917 And... when I first took this gig on, 40 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,458 they told me that I needed 41 00:01:29,542 --> 00:01:31,417 enough material to cover the first half of the journey, 42 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:34,792 so I guess now I need a tight one year and three quarters. 43 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,291 Is that funny? 44 00:01:36,375 --> 00:01:38,458 -Or is that too much maths? -"Math." 45 00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:40,458 -(LOUD BANG) -(METAL CREAKING) 46 00:01:40,542 --> 00:01:41,792 MAN 1: I can't look! 47 00:01:41,875 --> 00:01:43,125 WOMAN 1: God! That's not good. 48 00:01:43,208 --> 00:01:46,208 -MAN 2: It's shit. -It's all shit! 49 00:01:46,291 --> 00:01:49,959 Hey, maybe they heard your set. (LAUGHS) 50 00:01:50,041 --> 00:01:51,917 ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 51 00:02:07,208 --> 00:02:09,750 Captain, you ready to do this? 52 00:02:11,375 --> 00:02:13,291 (ENGLISH ACCENT) I'd always hoped that my last words 53 00:02:13,375 --> 00:02:14,834 might be better than... 54 00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:16,875 "Fuck me, no." 55 00:02:16,959 --> 00:02:18,625 I don't know how to attach the tether. 56 00:02:18,709 --> 00:02:22,834 There should be an instruction panel right in front of you. 57 00:02:22,917 --> 00:02:24,667 -(AMERICAN ACCENT) To attach your safety tether... 58 00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:27,875 -Oh, f... -...simply grasp the narrow end of the clamp 59 00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:29,583 to release the G Catch. 60 00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:31,709 There. That wasn't so hard, was it? 61 00:02:31,792 --> 00:02:33,583 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Well, you fucking try it. 62 00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:38,917 BILLIE MCEVOY: Okay, it's a spacewalk, so... 63 00:02:39,542 --> 00:02:40,583 walk. 64 00:02:44,542 --> 00:02:48,375 So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at? 65 00:02:48,458 --> 00:02:51,208 -The inside of my eyelids. -Ha. 66 00:02:51,291 --> 00:02:54,083 Ah. There appears to be no floor. 67 00:02:57,583 --> 00:03:01,333 Yes, Captain. You-- You really make this look easy. 68 00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:03,667 RAV MULCAIR: Why is he flailing around like that? What-- 69 00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,917 -No. Look. He's upright now. -Yes. 70 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,792 -Uh, no, just gone back. -(SIGHS) 71 00:03:08,875 --> 00:03:10,041 Where are you going? 72 00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:12,208 I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink. 73 00:03:12,291 --> 00:03:15,208 Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise? 74 00:03:15,291 --> 00:03:18,625 "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? 75 00:03:18,709 --> 00:03:20,709 -Or "come back in". -Engineering? 76 00:03:20,792 --> 00:03:22,542 -Present. -Yeah, not you. 77 00:03:22,625 --> 00:03:24,959 Looking at wet suit protocol three now. 78 00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:26,792 Captain Courageous needs to locate 79 00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:30,000 the lateral access valve where it intersects with the... 80 00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:32,208 Intersects with the binary caps 81 00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:34,208 from the lower deck. Did you get that? 82 00:03:34,291 --> 00:03:36,959 All I got from that was, "You're gonna die out here." 83 00:03:37,041 --> 00:03:39,792 BILLIE: Find a big metal wheel and turn it off. 84 00:03:39,875 --> 00:03:41,417 Estimate of her velocity, Captain? 85 00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:44,125 -RYAN CLARK: I might actually sneeze. -He can't hear you because... 86 00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:46,166 -well, you know, he's outside-- -RYAN: What happens then? 87 00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:48,417 -Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space? -Good point. 88 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:50,208 Get me in his ear. I'll walk him home. 89 00:03:50,291 --> 00:03:51,917 RYAN: Is there one? 90 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,125 Could you look that up? 91 00:03:53,208 --> 00:03:55,083 -Hola. -Gracias. 92 00:03:55,166 --> 00:03:58,083 Yeah, in other devastating news, 93 00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:00,583 Spike is about to join the auto comms. 94 00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:02,709 (SCOFFS) The icing on the shit. 95 00:04:02,792 --> 00:04:04,417 SPIKE MARTIN: I got you now, buddy. 96 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:08,083 -Whoa! She's a gusher. -Please don't call it "she." 97 00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:11,834 Why? That thing's powerful. And I respect it. 98 00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:14,041 BILLIE: (SCOFFS) I'm gonna go check on a valve. 99 00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:15,208 Billie? 100 00:04:15,291 --> 00:04:17,250 Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man, you're up. 101 00:04:17,333 --> 00:04:18,667 -Yeah, sure. -RYAN: Billie? 102 00:04:18,750 --> 00:04:22,000 So, we're just splitting forward, uh, protocol three. 103 00:04:22,083 --> 00:04:24,500 It's just a... thing we do. 104 00:04:24,583 --> 00:04:26,166 -MAN: We love you, Spike! -SPIKE: Okay, Captain, 105 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:28,208 I'm splitting forward protocol three. 106 00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:31,417 It's just-- It's a thing we do. Don't worry. 107 00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,125 WOMAN: Make way for the shit shooter. 108 00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:37,375 -Oh God, was that me? -It's a little bit of all of us. 109 00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:40,125 Hey! I got a button on the end of my fist, 110 00:04:40,208 --> 00:04:42,875 do you wanna press it with your face? Button dick! 111 00:04:42,959 --> 00:04:44,625 (WHISPERING) I think she's talking to me. 112 00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,625 ♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 113 00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:50,750 RYAN: Yeah, so, nobody thought to put this wheel on the inside. 114 00:04:50,834 --> 00:04:52,875 Would that have been easier at all? 115 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:55,250 (METAL BANGING) 116 00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:58,750 -Oh! Bugger me. -Oh no! 117 00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:01,375 Oh, I can taste last year's breakfast. 118 00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:04,542 Some guys would pay good money to have that done to them. 119 00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:07,208 And girls. Uh, women. 120 00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,792 Not me, though. Mm-mm. 121 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:12,625 BILLIE: Other way, other way. 122 00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:14,750 (GASPS) 123 00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:17,917 Don't worry, Captain. You got this. 124 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,417 (WHISPERS) I've got this. Turn it this way. 125 00:05:21,917 --> 00:05:23,458 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Of course I've got it! 126 00:05:23,542 --> 00:05:25,291 I was born getting it. 127 00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:27,750 (WHISPERS IN ENGLISH ACCENT) I haven't got it. Help me more. 128 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,041 That's it. 129 00:05:31,750 --> 00:05:34,959 ♪ (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 130 00:05:35,041 --> 00:05:37,625 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 131 00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,083 -Oh! -Ugh. (SPITS) 132 00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,709 (LAUGHING) Yes! 133 00:05:45,583 --> 00:05:48,500 -Yeah! (LAUGHS) -Whoo! 134 00:05:48,583 --> 00:05:50,417 Alan, get me a car to Buffalo! 135 00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:52,291 You're going to the White House? 136 00:05:52,375 --> 00:05:54,291 Oh, yes. Time to do some corporate begging. 137 00:05:54,375 --> 00:05:55,458 -(GASPS) -Yes! 138 00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:02,417 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 139 00:06:02,500 --> 00:06:03,709 (BILLIE LAUGHS) 140 00:06:03,792 --> 00:06:07,875 HERMAN JUDD: There he is! There he is. I believed in you! 141 00:06:07,959 --> 00:06:11,000 Unlike Iris. She already rented out your cabin. 142 00:06:11,083 --> 00:06:12,583 (AMERICAN ACCENT) That was nothing! 143 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:14,125 But then, what isn't? 144 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,875 He's so modest, he could almost be British. 145 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,333 Why the fuck did I say that? 146 00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:20,500 (SIGHS) I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental. 147 00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:22,291 I was very, very proud of how 148 00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:24,667 Captain Ryan followed my direction out there. 149 00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,792 You were out of depth on the bridge. 150 00:06:26,875 --> 00:06:29,875 Yes, you're much better suited in a secondary position. 151 00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,458 -BILLIE: Right, well-- -(JUDD YELLS) 152 00:06:31,542 --> 00:06:33,125 -(COUGHING, GAGGING) -(JUDD YELLING) 153 00:06:33,208 --> 00:06:34,583 Fucking balls. 154 00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:36,834 Burn those suits, they smell like hell! 155 00:06:36,917 --> 00:06:39,500 -I can actually hear that smell. -(GAGGING) 156 00:06:39,583 --> 00:06:40,917 MATT SPENCER: Hey, beautiful. 157 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,250 Tonight at midnight, we reach our furthest point from Earth 158 00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,625 and turn around to head back. 159 00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:47,291 I know. Time flies. I don't wanna go home, either. 160 00:06:47,375 --> 00:06:49,959 But I'll see you later at the Halfway Home party. 161 00:06:50,041 --> 00:06:52,208 MAN: Hey, is-- is that true? 162 00:06:52,291 --> 00:06:54,250 Well, it was true when I said it. 163 00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:55,709 Like a marriage vow. 164 00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:57,542 And you just kept this up? 165 00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,083 Sure. I mean, we could still have a... 166 00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:02,000 "One Forty-Sixth of the Way Home" Party. 167 00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:03,834 -SPIKE: Yeah, that could work. -Spike gets it. 168 00:07:03,917 --> 00:07:06,250 We brought 200,000 dollars' worth of streamers. 169 00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:08,333 The only other use would be for your funeral. 170 00:07:10,458 --> 00:07:12,291 WOMAN 1: Hey. It's the shit whisperer. 171 00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:14,166 MAN 1: Hey, Benjamin Button! 172 00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:15,875 WOMAN 2: Shit stack walking. 173 00:07:15,959 --> 00:07:16,917 MAN 2: Frankenfuck. 174 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,500 MAN 3: Mr. Crappatoa. 175 00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:22,959 Wow! Couldn't you just stay in this cabin all day? 176 00:07:23,041 --> 00:07:24,625 I mean, I know I could. 177 00:07:24,709 --> 00:07:26,709 And I think you should. 178 00:07:28,417 --> 00:07:29,291 Why? 179 00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:31,792 There's just so much to explore, baby. 180 00:07:31,875 --> 00:07:34,959 We have booze. Right? Who doesn't love booze? 181 00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:37,166 And-- And four books-- 182 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:40,041 five books here! I mean that's just-- right? 183 00:07:40,125 --> 00:07:41,375 All I did was... 184 00:07:42,041 --> 00:07:43,333 And then they... 185 00:07:44,208 --> 00:07:45,250 And the-- 186 00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:49,000 Don't ever sit. 187 00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:53,166 Inflate one thousand balloons. 188 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,333 I need to vet your materials for this show this evening. 189 00:08:00,417 --> 00:08:02,667 Oh, wow. So it's true. The show really does go on. 190 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,041 It's in your contract. You'd be doing a show tonight 191 00:08:05,125 --> 00:08:06,500 even if this was a burned-out hulk 192 00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:08,959 full of space junk and dead animals. 193 00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:10,083 So... 194 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,291 Jokes. 195 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:14,500 Do some. 196 00:08:14,583 --> 00:08:16,667 -Okay, what makes you laugh? -Comedy. 197 00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:19,917 -Obviously. -And sometimes tragedy. 198 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,041 Light tragedy. Erectile dysfunction, 199 00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:25,291 non-fatal hunting accidents, 200 00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:26,625 waving at someone you think you know 201 00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:29,500 but it turns out to be a stranger, that sort of thing. 202 00:08:29,583 --> 00:08:31,000 Now, make it topical. 203 00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:33,125 Mention "it," but don't mention it. 204 00:08:33,208 --> 00:08:35,083 "It"? That's horrible. 205 00:08:36,458 --> 00:08:37,875 Go. 206 00:08:37,959 --> 00:08:40,417 -Okay, I could start with-- -It's not called "sit-down." 207 00:08:49,583 --> 00:08:50,625 I can start with... 208 00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:52,375 "This is some hot shit." 209 00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:54,750 You know it's actually extremely cold in space? 210 00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,166 Are you gonna do this the whole way through? 211 00:08:56,250 --> 00:08:59,125 Yes. And I'd say you're a heckler's wet dream right now. 212 00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:04,250 (ENGLISH ACCENT) You see what I did? Did you see-- 213 00:09:04,333 --> 00:09:06,709 I put a fucking goldfish bowl on my head, 214 00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:08,917 went out there, and fixed a spaceship. 215 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:10,208 I know. 216 00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,959 I need you to make it clear that it wasn't Frank's fault. 217 00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:15,000 -Who's Frank? -My husband. 218 00:09:15,083 --> 00:09:17,250 Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him? 219 00:09:17,333 --> 00:09:20,917 He's-- He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over. 220 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,583 Christ, I'm coming off my fucking nut. 221 00:09:22,667 --> 00:09:24,709 I feel like I could kill and eat a man. 222 00:09:24,792 --> 00:09:28,583 Oh, God! Just fuck me and don't even give me your name. 223 00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:29,917 Okay! So... 224 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,417 somebody needs some soap for their mouth 225 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,041 and a hot toddy for their mood. Sit. 226 00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:38,583 -(RYAN SIGHS) -Chill. 227 00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:41,834 I just did something, and I don't know what it was. 228 00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:43,709 I don't know what I'm doing. 229 00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:46,250 I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing. 230 00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:47,458 Does anybody know what they're doing? 231 00:09:47,542 --> 00:09:49,375 How does anything work? Does anybody know? 232 00:09:49,458 --> 00:09:51,333 How-- I mean who knows how that door works? 233 00:09:51,417 --> 00:09:52,417 KAREN KELLY: It doesn't work. 234 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,542 Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work. 235 00:09:54,625 --> 00:09:55,834 And look at this. 236 00:09:57,166 --> 00:09:58,500 I mean, how am I doing that? 237 00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:02,250 I do not know how the fuck I'm doing that. 238 00:10:03,166 --> 00:10:04,792 -Drink this. -Now you-- 239 00:10:04,875 --> 00:10:06,000 See, orifices! 240 00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,917 They're all over us! Well, that can't be safe, can it? 241 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,083 You know what's ironic? 242 00:10:10,166 --> 00:10:12,000 I just left a man who can't finish his sentence, 243 00:10:12,083 --> 00:10:14,709 and here you are, and you just can't shut the F up. 244 00:10:14,792 --> 00:10:16,500 (PHONE RINGS) 245 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,125 -Hi. -Hi! 246 00:10:18,208 --> 00:10:19,542 I feel a bit trapped. 247 00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,709 Well honey, we're all trapped. 248 00:10:22,667 --> 00:10:26,875 The sky is full of S-H-I-T. 249 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:29,542 Oh, no. There it floats. 250 00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:31,750 Oh, bollocks. 251 00:10:33,542 --> 00:10:36,625 Oh, can everything just fuck off? 252 00:10:36,709 --> 00:10:38,959 Wait, is that-- Was that Captain Ryan? 253 00:10:39,041 --> 00:10:43,166 (STAMMERS) Ah-- Oh! Uh... It-- It was not. 254 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:47,500 In fact, I will be back soon, tootsie roll, okay? 255 00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:49,041 (PHONE HANGS UP) 256 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,291 ♪ (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 257 00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:54,834 MATT: I'll see you all tonight. 258 00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:56,750 Bring your children. 259 00:10:56,834 --> 00:10:59,000 Unless they have behavioral disorders. 260 00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:01,041 And bring them, too. It's a party! 261 00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:02,583 ♪ (PLAYS TWO NOTES) ♪ 262 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,208 Hey, I don't wanna get you overexcited, 263 00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:12,166 but this party is going to be an orgy of the gods-- 264 00:11:12,250 --> 00:11:13,291 I don't get overexcited. 265 00:11:13,375 --> 00:11:15,250 I'm always the same fucking level of excited. 266 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,208 -Right, Iris? -Yes. 267 00:11:17,291 --> 00:11:19,250 I'll have another shot of water, please. 268 00:11:19,333 --> 00:11:22,583 All right! Let's go yell in some people's faces! 269 00:11:23,834 --> 00:11:25,959 (YELLS) 270 00:11:26,041 --> 00:11:28,709 IRIS KIMURA: I'm so sorry. Please enjoy this Judd voucher 271 00:11:28,792 --> 00:11:30,166 -JUDD: Hey! -I apologize. These are... 272 00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:32,500 -JUDD: You don't need this! -...valid anywhere on the ship. 273 00:11:32,583 --> 00:11:34,834 Take the French fries. Leave the beer. 274 00:11:34,917 --> 00:11:37,208 I'm so sorry. These are valid everywhere on the ship 275 00:11:37,291 --> 00:11:38,500 -except the golf course. -All right... 276 00:11:38,583 --> 00:11:39,959 Oh, really? Can I get one of those? 277 00:11:40,041 --> 00:11:40,875 Oh! 278 00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:41,875 -Hey. -Hey, Billie. 279 00:11:41,959 --> 00:11:43,250 -You look nice. -So do you. 280 00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:46,125 I decided to go for "I just saved the ship" casual. 281 00:11:46,208 --> 00:11:47,542 (LAUGHS) "We" just saved the ship. 282 00:11:47,625 --> 00:11:48,750 -What did I say? -Yeah. 283 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,208 -(APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Oh, hey! 284 00:11:51,291 --> 00:11:53,333 -Come on. Stop that. -Stop. 285 00:11:53,417 --> 00:11:55,458 -Stop it. -Thank you. 286 00:11:55,542 --> 00:11:58,208 -We were just doing our job. -I was just doing my job. 287 00:11:58,291 --> 00:12:00,083 We just did what we had to do. 288 00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:01,542 -I did what I had to do. -Thank you. 289 00:12:01,625 --> 00:12:04,041 Yes. Yes. (LAUGHS) Did you see me out there? 290 00:12:04,125 --> 00:12:06,500 Do you understand, I've not slept a wink since you freaked me out. 291 00:12:06,583 --> 00:12:08,500 I'm writing my jokes on tissue paper. 292 00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:09,834 Who does that these days? 293 00:12:09,917 --> 00:12:11,959 We can delay the start by five minutes. 294 00:12:13,208 --> 00:12:15,667 Are you sure it's safe for me here? 295 00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:18,250 -I'm getting sneering looks. -Oh, honey, relax. 296 00:12:18,333 --> 00:12:20,750 Everybody's here to celebrate Captain Ryan. 297 00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:24,166 Oh my god, he looks amazing in that turtleneck. 298 00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:25,583 Listen, with him wearing that, 299 00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:27,875 I guarantee nobody is thinking about you. 300 00:12:27,959 --> 00:12:30,125 (ENGLISH ACCENT) We make a really great team. 301 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:32,917 You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that. 302 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,417 (LAUGHS) Yeah. I mean, you know, they were probably 303 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:37,583 livestreaming the whole thing all over the world. 304 00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:39,750 So right now, I'm probably more famous 305 00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,875 than that guy who shat his pants at the Superbowl. 306 00:12:41,959 --> 00:12:43,625 -Daniel Radcliffe? -Yeah. 307 00:12:43,709 --> 00:12:44,959 Those two are an item. 308 00:12:45,709 --> 00:12:47,208 -Those two? No. -Yeah. 309 00:12:47,291 --> 00:12:49,375 -Yeah. -No. Nuh-uh. No. 310 00:12:49,458 --> 00:12:50,583 She's not his type. 311 00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:52,750 I mean, I think he would... 312 00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:55,333 I think he would probably want an older woman, 313 00:12:55,417 --> 00:12:58,875 you know, a woman who's more, like, mature. 314 00:12:58,959 --> 00:13:00,458 The way I see it, like... (STAMMERS) 315 00:13:00,542 --> 00:13:01,792 twenty-five hundred women on board? 316 00:13:01,875 --> 00:13:03,291 At least seven hundred of them, 317 00:13:03,375 --> 00:13:06,041 I would totally want a consensual meeting with. 318 00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:07,417 -Oh, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. 319 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,583 I am gonna get me some informed consent tonight. 320 00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:11,625 Just some sweet, sweet informed consent 321 00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:13,125 from a strong autonomous woman-- 322 00:13:13,208 --> 00:13:16,250 Hey guys, did you hear that? I-- I think that was the sound 323 00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,500 of seven hundred vaginas snapping shut. 324 00:13:18,583 --> 00:13:19,875 -It's not. -(MIA EXHALES) 325 00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:23,875 Now, if you'll excuse me, I am horny as hell, 326 00:13:23,959 --> 00:13:27,083 so I am gonna go out and get my body slammed. 327 00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:28,458 And it's okay that she said-- 328 00:13:28,542 --> 00:13:30,208 -We're-- We're separated. -Oh. 329 00:13:30,291 --> 00:13:32,125 They just haven't found me my own cabin yet. 330 00:13:32,208 --> 00:13:33,291 Oh, we, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) 331 00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:34,333 -We should... -Yeah, we should. 332 00:13:34,417 --> 00:13:36,458 I'll freshen up and see you down there. 333 00:13:36,542 --> 00:13:38,333 That means he has to have a little cry. 334 00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:39,333 I really don't. 335 00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:41,750 -Shots? -You know, I usually don't drink 336 00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:43,917 because it makes me blunt and opinionated. 337 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:45,166 As opposed to? 338 00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,458 Hey, everyone. 339 00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:48,125 Welcome to the Halfway Home party. 340 00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:49,709 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 341 00:13:49,792 --> 00:13:52,000 Now, in a second, I'm gonna bring out 342 00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:54,583 our comedian for the evening. His name's Jordan Hatwal. 343 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,333 He is... (CHUCKLES) ...extremely nervous. 344 00:13:57,417 --> 00:13:59,583 Okay? But I know you guys are gonna love him. 345 00:13:59,667 --> 00:14:00,667 Right? 346 00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:02,166 -WOMAN: (FLATLY) Yeah. -MAN: Hey. 347 00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,917 -(WEAK APPLAUSE) -Okay. Okay. 348 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,750 I think that's probably gonna make him more nervous 349 00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:07,166 'cause it was pretty underwhelming. 350 00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:08,917 Let's try it again, right? 351 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,792 Are you excited for Jordan Hatwal? 352 00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:12,917 (CHEERING) 353 00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:14,709 Okay, okay. 354 00:14:14,792 --> 00:14:17,166 (LAUGHS) Okay. I don't think he can live up to that. 355 00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,417 You know, if he was that good, 356 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,667 he'd probably be doing arena shows on Earth. 357 00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:22,917 Um... But... 358 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,709 Now that I've lowered your expectations again, 359 00:14:25,792 --> 00:14:28,250 I think you might be pleasantly surprised 360 00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:32,500 by the competent, workmanlike comedy of Jordan Hatwal. 361 00:14:32,583 --> 00:14:35,083 But before he comes out to win you over 362 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,000 or die horribly, 363 00:14:37,083 --> 00:14:39,834 I want to give a big round of applause 364 00:14:39,917 --> 00:14:42,542 to our heroes, Captain Ryan Clark... 365 00:14:42,625 --> 00:14:44,917 -♪ (FANFARE PLAYS) ♪ -(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 366 00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:48,083 (WHOOPS) 367 00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:52,917 -...and... -Billie McEvoy! 368 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,041 ...former astronaut Spike Martin. 369 00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,375 What? 370 00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:02,917 Okay. Jordan, are you ready to go? 371 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:03,792 Yep. 372 00:15:03,875 --> 00:15:05,875 Listen to him, he's nervous, right? 373 00:15:05,959 --> 00:15:07,500 -AUDIENCE: Yeah! -Yeah! Okay! 374 00:15:07,583 --> 00:15:09,083 Please put your hands together 375 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:13,333 or silently reserve judgement for Jordan Hatwal. 376 00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:16,500 (WHOOPS AND CHEERS) 377 00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:19,125 JORDAN HATWAL: All right. Hey, how you doin'? 378 00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,041 Uh... 379 00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:22,792 I've been asleep for the last 120 hours, what did I miss? 380 00:15:22,875 --> 00:15:24,375 We're stuck up here for three years. 381 00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:26,917 Okay, guys. That was his first joke, 382 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,417 so you can laugh, it's okay to laugh. 383 00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:29,458 Matt, don't-- Don't do that. 384 00:15:29,542 --> 00:15:30,834 I'm just-- I'm just trying to help. 385 00:15:30,917 --> 00:15:33,458 (LAUGHS) Yeah, it's-- it's hard doing, uh, 386 00:15:33,542 --> 00:15:35,834 a Halfway Home gig when, I mean, we're not even halfway-- 387 00:15:35,917 --> 00:15:38,291 -Ah! I vetoed that angle. -Uh... okay. 388 00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:41,458 Guys, pretend that we're 21 months into the voyage. 389 00:15:41,542 --> 00:15:43,250 Right? Is-- is that helpful? 390 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,375 -JORDAN: No. -Yes. 391 00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:46,041 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Doesn't-- It's not helpful. 392 00:15:46,125 --> 00:15:48,625 Do you want-- Do you wanna come up here and do the set? 393 00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:49,875 Sure, yeah. 394 00:15:49,959 --> 00:15:51,792 I wasn't actually asking. (LAUGHS) 395 00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:53,333 Oh, you were joking? 396 00:15:53,417 --> 00:15:55,166 Yep, that was a joke. 397 00:15:55,250 --> 00:15:56,625 That's what I'm here to do. 398 00:15:56,709 --> 00:15:58,792 It's like the joke police over here. 399 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,625 Anyway, shoehorns... 400 00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:04,041 -pretty weird, aren't they? -(LAUGHS) Yes! 401 00:16:04,917 --> 00:16:05,792 (NADIA GIGGLING) 402 00:16:05,875 --> 00:16:07,000 MAN: Thank you for your service! 403 00:16:07,083 --> 00:16:09,125 You're real-life heroes! 404 00:16:09,208 --> 00:16:11,583 -NADIA: People loved us. -No, no, no, I'm sorry, no. 405 00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:14,375 I don't get it. I just don't-- I don't get this, this-- 406 00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:16,458 I arm-wrestled with space 407 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,709 -and I won, so that was me. -Speaking of arms, 408 00:16:19,792 --> 00:16:21,667 -yours are so firm. -Oh? 409 00:16:21,750 --> 00:16:24,667 How do you find gym time in between saving lives? 410 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,166 (BOTH LAUGH) 411 00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:29,333 (STUTTERS) Well, f-- f-- firm is my middle name. 412 00:16:29,417 --> 00:16:31,000 What's your first name? 413 00:16:31,083 --> 00:16:33,083 -Colin. -Colin Firm. 414 00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,291 Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz. 415 00:16:35,375 --> 00:16:37,625 Oh, is that Italian? 416 00:16:37,709 --> 00:16:38,709 -No, it's actu-- -Who cares? 417 00:16:38,792 --> 00:16:39,834 -Okay. -Okay. 418 00:16:39,917 --> 00:16:42,750 Oh! Guess who else will be on the prowl tonight? 419 00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:45,959 Captain Ryan Clark, ladies and gentlemen. 420 00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:50,625 He's as horny and as hairy as a tomcat, and I should know, 421 00:16:50,709 --> 00:16:54,375 because back in the day, he put a baby up me. 422 00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:55,750 -Wow! -Wow. 423 00:16:55,834 --> 00:16:59,250 Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years? 424 00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:02,250 Oh, you can't wash the shame away, Frank. 425 00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,583 Next time leave it to the professionals, 426 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:05,875 you silly man. 427 00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,250 Why can't the Captain be a womanizer? 428 00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:09,917 Or a man-anizer? 429 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,166 He can do what he wants. 430 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,375 I actually don't care at this point. 431 00:17:12,458 --> 00:17:15,375 -Captain Clark is a sex man? -SARAH: He's a dog. 432 00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:17,542 Hey, fuck it. Shall we start a conga? 433 00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:18,875 -(ALL CHEERING) -Let's do a conga. 434 00:17:18,959 --> 00:17:20,333 -Whoo! -Frank, come on. 435 00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:22,792 -NADIA: Allez. -SARAH: Hey, hey, hey. 436 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,834 (SINGING) ♪ He cannot press a button ♪ 437 00:17:24,917 --> 00:17:26,792 -Whoo! -♪ Doo doo doo ♪ 438 00:17:26,875 --> 00:17:30,000 ♪ (SINGING CONTINUES) ♪ 439 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:31,417 MIA: Come on, let's get outta here. Okay! 440 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,458 -SARAH: ♪ He always fucks it up ♪ -NADIA: Fucks it up! 441 00:17:33,542 --> 00:17:35,291 -(MIA GIGGLING) I'm sorry. -JORDAN: Oh, check it out. 442 00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,041 -(MIA GIGGLING) -(JORDAN CHUCKLES) 443 00:17:37,125 --> 00:17:39,750 Uh, first person that's laughed in quite some time. 444 00:17:39,834 --> 00:17:41,166 Hey, you wanna come back to my place? 445 00:17:41,250 --> 00:17:42,917 Sure, yeah, I'll take it where I can get it. 446 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,667 -A hole's a hole. -Oh... No, thank you. 447 00:17:45,750 --> 00:17:47,041 I-- I have a flight simulation game 448 00:17:47,125 --> 00:17:48,834 I would love to play with you. Be an honor, sir. 449 00:17:48,917 --> 00:17:51,250 Oh, okay, well, I'll batten down the sexual hatches. 450 00:17:51,333 --> 00:17:52,834 Let's fly some ships. 451 00:17:52,917 --> 00:17:56,208 Uh... So, um... Do you remember the, uh, 452 00:17:56,291 --> 00:17:58,917 the phones that you had to plug in to charge? 453 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,000 Yes, I do. 454 00:18:00,792 --> 00:18:03,208 Yeah, well, they... 455 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,667 They were, um... 456 00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:10,083 Uh... no. No, that one's gone. 457 00:18:10,166 --> 00:18:11,291 Just give it a second. 458 00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:13,000 'Cause this could be good when you think of it. 459 00:18:13,083 --> 00:18:15,417 -IRIS: They had a cord. -They had a cord, yeah. 460 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,834 I don't think that was the punchline, though. Um... 461 00:18:18,458 --> 00:18:19,750 Promote the beer. 462 00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,250 (PHONE RINGS) 463 00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:25,583 -RYAN: Hey! -You can probably tell from our expressions that, uh... 464 00:18:25,667 --> 00:18:28,291 -we need to talk face-to-face. -Oh, no, no, no. You're talking. You should-- no. 465 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:30,291 'Cause I called you, so you should really wait. 466 00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,667 -Anyway, doesn't matter. -Ryan, we have to tell you something. 467 00:18:32,750 --> 00:18:35,208 -I know, it was impressive-- -Now, it's not bad. 468 00:18:35,291 --> 00:18:37,250 (STAMMERS) Wait-- What-- What do you mean, "bad"? 469 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,959 We love you, but... 470 00:18:39,041 --> 00:18:41,834 we didn't sign up for three and a half years, and... 471 00:18:41,917 --> 00:18:44,166 -with that crazy spacewalk... -RYAN: Ah, yes. 472 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,125 -CRIS: ...we can't-- -You're looking at a hero, basically. 473 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,500 -We can't take the stress. -The wh-- what? 474 00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:50,208 You lose the plot, you lose your slot. 475 00:18:50,291 --> 00:18:54,333 "Slot"? This is a marriage, not a fucking squash court. 476 00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:55,625 We're getting trivorced. 477 00:18:55,709 --> 00:18:57,250 Two-thirds majority. Motion carried. 478 00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,750 -What about our vows? "Hand in hand in hand"? -CRIS: No, sorry. 479 00:19:03,417 --> 00:19:05,834 And then I downed it in one and I threw up on... 480 00:19:05,917 --> 00:19:07,583 uh, on her dress, and... 481 00:19:08,458 --> 00:19:09,834 That was the end of... 482 00:19:09,917 --> 00:19:12,125 end of prom and, um... 483 00:19:12,208 --> 00:19:13,959 that's the first time I had a drink. 484 00:19:14,041 --> 00:19:15,834 Uh, but it was a Judd Light, 485 00:19:15,917 --> 00:19:18,625 and Judd Light is available throughout the ship. 486 00:19:18,709 --> 00:19:21,709 Um, it's, a-- a liquid party. 487 00:19:23,709 --> 00:19:26,000 I'm right in here. (GIGGLES) 488 00:19:26,083 --> 00:19:28,208 -What are you doing? -(MUMBLES) 489 00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:29,959 -What? -Just going in my room. 490 00:19:30,041 --> 00:19:31,709 -Why are you here? -It's my room. 491 00:19:31,792 --> 00:19:33,750 If you're trying to trick us into a foursome, 492 00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:35,250 there's no tricking needed. 493 00:19:35,333 --> 00:19:37,542 This isn't a foursome, it's a twosome. 494 00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:39,709 -I'm easy. -You guys stay here. 495 00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:42,500 MIA: Why'd you bring the peat bog man? 496 00:19:42,583 --> 00:19:43,834 DOUG: We're going on my flight simulator. 497 00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:45,208 MIA: Well, you need to vacate the room 498 00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:46,583 because I'll be making love everywhere. 499 00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:49,125 Hey, yeah, we could-- we could go to yours. 500 00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:51,208 -Can I keep that as a backup? -Oh, sure, yeah. 501 00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,041 Give 'em a minute, see what pans out. 502 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,709 MIA: Colin Firm, get in here! 503 00:19:54,792 --> 00:19:55,709 What? 504 00:19:55,792 --> 00:19:58,083 Sorry, Doug, the viewing gallery is closed. 505 00:19:58,917 --> 00:20:00,875 Come on. Let's just do it quickly. 506 00:20:00,959 --> 00:20:02,000 -MADS: No... -MIA: No, no, no. 507 00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:03,583 -Just do it quickly, before he-- -Do it! 508 00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:05,083 -MIA: Who cares about him? -MADS: No no, I-- 509 00:20:05,166 --> 00:20:07,000 -Do it! Do it! -MIA: You want it, you want it. 510 00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:08,333 Don't be a pussy, Colin! 511 00:20:08,417 --> 00:20:10,375 (STAMMERS) I'm sorry-- I wasn't trained for this, I'm sorry. 512 00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:11,709 This reminds me of my last days 513 00:20:11,792 --> 00:20:13,166 on the International Space Station. 514 00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:14,291 That was a scene! 515 00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,542 I ruined it for her. 516 00:20:17,625 --> 00:20:19,166 (VOICE BREAKING) So I won. 517 00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:20,500 (SOBS) 518 00:20:20,583 --> 00:20:22,959 So, my last relationship didn't end well. 519 00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:26,125 Uh, but-- Well, in some ways you could say it did. 520 00:20:26,208 --> 00:20:28,917 'Cause my girlfriend fell down a well. 521 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,166 Gravity, what a downer. 522 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:33,417 JUDD: No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No. No. 523 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,417 Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone. 524 00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,583 No, hold your applause. 525 00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:40,458 Four people died because of that gravity fail. 526 00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:42,458 Don't joke about stuff like that. 527 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:47,500 Maybe that's why your girlfriend jumped down that well, 528 00:20:47,583 --> 00:20:50,250 'cause of those kind of jokes. 529 00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,709 JORDAN: She didn't, she just left me-- 530 00:20:52,792 --> 00:20:55,041 I was gonna say a few words later, 531 00:20:55,125 --> 00:20:57,083 but now that "Uhhh" 532 00:20:57,166 --> 00:21:00,000 sucked all the good energy out of the room and just... 533 00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:03,667 flushed it out into space like... (SPLUTTERS) 534 00:21:04,542 --> 00:21:05,959 I'm just gonna read it now. 535 00:21:08,458 --> 00:21:10,959 "As you know, this was meant to be the halfway point, 536 00:21:11,041 --> 00:21:12,583 but we're not halfway. 537 00:21:12,667 --> 00:21:13,625 And yet, in so many ways, 538 00:21:13,709 --> 00:21:15,875 we're more... (SNIFFLES) ...than halfway." 539 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,458 -Iris, who wrote this? -I did. 540 00:21:18,542 --> 00:21:20,041 And is it like this all the way through, 541 00:21:20,125 --> 00:21:21,458 or does it get any better? 542 00:21:21,542 --> 00:21:23,709 Well, that was the best part, and you kind of threw it away. 543 00:21:23,792 --> 00:21:25,709 Fuck! 544 00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:27,041 All right. 545 00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:28,750 "Because we've come a long way, 546 00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:30,166 and I'm proud of you 547 00:21:30,542 --> 00:21:31,917 and of me, 548 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,458 and I'm inspired by you and me." 549 00:21:35,542 --> 00:21:37,792 (EXHALES LOUDLY) I'm just gonna skip to the end. 550 00:21:37,875 --> 00:21:39,333 -Yep. -JUDD: All right. 551 00:21:39,417 --> 00:21:40,959 "We can do this! We're nearly there! 552 00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:42,625 We're not, but we are!" 553 00:21:42,709 --> 00:21:45,583 (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) 554 00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:53,208 Ever been to Buffalo before? 555 00:21:53,291 --> 00:21:55,125 -(RAV'S PHONE RINGS) -It's changed a lot 556 00:21:55,208 --> 00:21:56,709 since they moved the White House there. 557 00:21:56,792 --> 00:21:58,834 -For a start-- -RAV: Shut up. 558 00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:01,083 Alan, this better not be bad news. I-- 559 00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:03,500 What the fuck is that? 560 00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:06,417 ALAN LEWIS: I'm afraid some of the, uh, residual matter 561 00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:09,083 hasn't escaped the ship's gravitational pull. 562 00:22:11,667 --> 00:22:13,083 Okay. Well... 563 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,000 It's a ring of shit. 564 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:16,250 -ALAN: Mm. -A ring of shit? 565 00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:18,000 Could you just--? Back to the book. 566 00:22:18,083 --> 00:22:20,083 On the upside, you can't see the coffins anymore. 567 00:22:20,959 --> 00:22:22,125 Oh, no. There's one. 568 00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:28,083 Get ready to pretend we're ten minutes to halfway there. 569 00:22:28,166 --> 00:22:29,875 Mmm! 570 00:22:29,959 --> 00:22:31,083 Could I get another one of those? 571 00:22:31,166 --> 00:22:32,375 -WAITRESS: Sure. -BILLIE: Um... 572 00:22:32,458 --> 00:22:36,458 Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings. 573 00:22:36,542 --> 00:22:39,625 All right? Just bury them as deep as you can. 574 00:22:39,709 --> 00:22:41,500 Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball 575 00:22:41,583 --> 00:22:43,208 and then just... (GROWLS) 576 00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,667 Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, 577 00:22:45,750 --> 00:22:49,542 but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine. 578 00:22:49,625 --> 00:22:53,208 -You're not a happy drunk. -I'm not a happy anything. 579 00:22:53,291 --> 00:22:55,709 -MAN: You the man! -(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hi, there. Hey. 580 00:22:55,792 --> 00:22:58,291 JUDD: Is it-- Why is the shit still outside there? 581 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,083 (YELLS) Iris! 582 00:23:00,750 --> 00:23:02,250 It's getting thicker. 583 00:23:02,333 --> 00:23:03,959 IRIS: We're-- We're working on it. 584 00:23:05,125 --> 00:23:08,208 All right, that's Mr. Judd, everybody. Give it up. 585 00:23:08,291 --> 00:23:09,375 -(FAINT APPLAUSE) -(TAPS MICROPHONE) 586 00:23:09,458 --> 00:23:10,875 -SOUND TECH: Yeah, it's on. -I know it's on-- 587 00:23:10,959 --> 00:23:13,208 MAN: You're gonna have to compensate us for this. 588 00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:14,709 This is your fault. 589 00:23:14,792 --> 00:23:16,625 I mean, it's Frank's fault. 590 00:23:16,709 --> 00:23:18,125 He hit the big brown button. 591 00:23:18,208 --> 00:23:20,625 -MAN: Yeah. -You mean, shit the button. 592 00:23:20,709 --> 00:23:22,125 See, that's comedy, man. 593 00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:24,250 That right there is comedy, word play. 594 00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,500 (CHUCKLES) I love it. 595 00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:28,291 Hey, Frank, what if I came and took a shit 596 00:23:28,375 --> 00:23:29,750 outside of your room? 597 00:23:29,834 --> 00:23:33,208 (CHUCKLING) The shit is already outside my room. 598 00:23:33,291 --> 00:23:35,083 Okay. Then I'll come take a shit 599 00:23:35,166 --> 00:23:37,166 -inside your room. -(AUDIENCE JEERING) 600 00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:39,750 I'll pay for the cleanup, so you can do it again tomorrow. 601 00:23:39,834 --> 00:23:41,625 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 602 00:23:41,709 --> 00:23:44,250 We should shit Frank out the airlock. 603 00:23:44,333 --> 00:23:47,166 You hurt him without my consent and involvement 604 00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:49,417 and I will harm you deeply. 605 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:52,250 (CHANTING) Shit. Him. Out. 606 00:23:52,333 --> 00:23:54,959 -(AUDIENCE JOINS CHANT) -WOMAN: Shit him out! Yeah. 607 00:23:55,041 --> 00:23:57,500 -Shit him out! (LAUGHS) -Shit him out! 608 00:23:57,583 --> 00:23:58,750 Shit him out! 609 00:23:58,834 --> 00:24:00,750 JORDAN: Guys, come on, calm down. 610 00:24:00,834 --> 00:24:02,458 -Whoo! Shit him out! -Shit him out! 611 00:24:02,542 --> 00:24:05,125 Hey, who remembers the last Oscars? That was a real shitshow, wasn't it? 612 00:24:05,208 --> 00:24:06,792 They gave an award to a sparrow. 613 00:24:06,875 --> 00:24:08,208 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Do you have... 614 00:24:08,291 --> 00:24:10,041 Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control? 615 00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:11,542 -Shit him out! -IRIS: When he gets like this, 616 00:24:11,625 --> 00:24:13,458 it's best to just let him wear himself out. 617 00:24:13,542 --> 00:24:15,959 -Security! Shit him the shit... -FRANK KELLY: All right, all right, I understand you're-- 618 00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:17,291 ...out of the airlock and into the shit! 619 00:24:17,375 --> 00:24:19,250 KAREN: You need to shut the F up 620 00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:22,291 before I knock you the F-- Frank! 621 00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:23,375 -Frank! -Shit him out! 622 00:24:23,458 --> 00:24:26,208 -Frank! Frank! -Shit him out! Shit him out! 623 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:28,291 Frank! Frank! 624 00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:30,875 Hey! Put him down, he's mine! 625 00:24:31,625 --> 00:24:33,917 No! Stop murdering someone! 626 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,083 Frank! 627 00:24:35,166 --> 00:24:37,083 (CLAMORING AND CHANTING) 628 00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:39,041 Do something! 629 00:24:40,959 --> 00:24:43,667 Well, I guess things are looking up for-- Oh, thank fuck. 630 00:24:43,750 --> 00:24:46,000 (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 631 00:24:46,083 --> 00:24:48,125 -(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) -(CROWD SILENCES) 632 00:24:48,208 --> 00:24:51,166 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Calm... and I cannot stress this enough... 633 00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:54,000 (YELLS) the fuck down! 634 00:24:54,083 --> 00:24:57,166 Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out. 635 00:24:57,250 --> 00:24:59,333 He was making a joke. 636 00:24:59,417 --> 00:25:00,709 (SCOFFS) Yeah. Yeah. 637 00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:03,125 You guys don't understand comedy. 638 00:25:03,208 --> 00:25:04,166 I do. 639 00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:07,208 What I did back there, that was comedy. Idiots. 640 00:25:07,291 --> 00:25:10,083 Uh... right, and the comedy was, may I say, 641 00:25:10,166 --> 00:25:13,583 exquisitely performed, unlike this guy, who... 642 00:25:13,667 --> 00:25:16,834 I assume was abused by a punchline when he was a kid. 643 00:25:16,917 --> 00:25:17,875 (CROWD LAUGHS) 644 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,458 -Oh, come on! -RYAN: Taking his revenge-- 645 00:25:19,542 --> 00:25:20,917 Do you mind? Please! 646 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,333 Okay, security, can we-- can we bring Frank back down? 647 00:25:24,417 --> 00:25:26,709 Right? Let's bring-- Let's bring Frank back down. 648 00:25:26,792 --> 00:25:28,375 -(MUTTERING) Oh, thank God. -MAN: Whoo! 649 00:25:28,458 --> 00:25:29,500 RYAN: Thank you. 650 00:25:29,583 --> 00:25:31,834 And can we, uh, render him vertical? 651 00:25:32,792 --> 00:25:34,333 There we go. 652 00:25:34,417 --> 00:25:37,375 Okay. Now, do you know what's gonna get us out of this? 653 00:25:37,458 --> 00:25:38,542 A big rocket? 654 00:25:38,625 --> 00:25:39,417 Uh, no. 655 00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:41,375 That-- Well, yes, that would be... 656 00:25:41,458 --> 00:25:43,709 Okay, there's two ways we can get out of this. 657 00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:45,208 Captain Ryan saved you, okay? 658 00:25:45,291 --> 00:25:48,041 So you just owe him a big handshake. 659 00:25:48,125 --> 00:25:49,959 -Go on. Go ahead. -RYAN: Teamwork. 660 00:25:50,041 --> 00:25:52,875 We together as a team. All right? 661 00:25:52,959 --> 00:25:55,417 Like the Egyptians building the pyramids. 662 00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:57,291 We can be like... bricks 663 00:25:57,375 --> 00:25:58,834 in one of those Mexican palaces 664 00:25:58,917 --> 00:26:01,250 with the steps up the side, we climb the steps-- 665 00:26:01,333 --> 00:26:02,917 -(FRANK GRUNTS) -(MICROPHONE SQUEALS) 666 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,083 -Frank! -MAN: Whoa. 667 00:26:04,166 --> 00:26:07,709 (YELLS) You stay away from my wife, you jackal! 668 00:26:07,792 --> 00:26:11,125 Or you will have me and my wife to deal with! 669 00:26:11,834 --> 00:26:14,166 Got it? Captain Turtleneck? 670 00:26:14,250 --> 00:26:15,125 -Frank! -Honey-- 671 00:26:15,208 --> 00:26:16,625 -That was wrong. -Honey-- 672 00:26:16,709 --> 00:26:18,041 Hot, but wrong. 673 00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:19,834 -We're ten seconds from Halfway Home. -JORDAN: So, uh... 674 00:26:19,917 --> 00:26:21,917 -It's funny, isn't it? You call them "elevators." -MATT: Ten. Nine... 675 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,041 -Uh, but they just don't elevate they also... lower. -MATT: Eight. Seven. Six. Seven. 676 00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,083 And zero! 677 00:26:26,166 --> 00:26:29,250 -(CHEERING) -♪ (PARTY MUSIC STARTS) ♪ 678 00:26:29,333 --> 00:26:30,834 We're halfway home! 679 00:26:30,917 --> 00:26:34,709 Let's party so loud, they hear us back on Earth. 680 00:26:34,792 --> 00:26:36,917 MAN: Who threw that? You are dead man. 681 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:38,834 All right, or woman, let's not be sexist. 682 00:26:38,917 --> 00:26:40,375 But actually, no, it was-- it was a man. 683 00:26:40,458 --> 00:26:41,709 -It was him there. -(GRUNTS) 684 00:26:41,792 --> 00:26:44,000 Not him. Him! 685 00:26:46,458 --> 00:26:48,458 -This is all on you. -What? 686 00:26:48,542 --> 00:26:49,625 You had one job. 687 00:26:49,709 --> 00:26:51,583 I expect. I'm not sure exactly what you do. 688 00:26:51,667 --> 00:26:54,667 I saved everybody, so I think the words you're looking for 689 00:26:54,750 --> 00:26:55,959 are "thank you, Billie" 690 00:26:56,041 --> 00:26:58,542 and "I'm sorry I've got a rod up my metal ass." 691 00:26:58,625 --> 00:27:00,375 I hope you're trampled by this conga line-- 692 00:27:00,458 --> 00:27:01,625 Whoa! 693 00:27:01,709 --> 00:27:04,917 Iris, I'll be in my cabin with a protein ball and a gun. 694 00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,583 -Yes, Mr. Judd-- -JUDD: (BANGS ON GLASS) Iris! 695 00:27:07,667 --> 00:27:09,500 (YELLING) I heard you! 696 00:27:11,041 --> 00:27:12,500 JORDAN: Well, I think that's my time. 697 00:27:12,583 --> 00:27:15,625 So thanks for coming, everyone, to see the funniest man 698 00:27:15,709 --> 00:27:17,125 in the universe. 699 00:27:17,208 --> 00:27:19,792 That's me, in case it wasn't clear. 700 00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:24,834 I think everything will be okay if we just stick together. 701 00:27:24,917 --> 00:27:28,166 (ENGLISH ACCENT) Worked for every extinct species in history. 702 00:27:28,250 --> 00:27:29,959 MATT: What a crazy night, right? 703 00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:32,458 Knock, knock. 704 00:27:33,792 --> 00:27:36,250 (CHUCKLES) Knock, knock. 705 00:27:37,041 --> 00:27:38,458 (MATT CHUCKLES AGAIN) 706 00:27:40,542 --> 00:27:42,500 -These-- These people are... -(PHONE CHIMES) 707 00:27:42,583 --> 00:27:44,208 ...the bravest and the boldest. 708 00:27:44,291 --> 00:27:48,625 They are humanity's finest, and they need safe-- 709 00:27:48,709 --> 00:27:51,500 (CLAMORING AND SINGING) 710 00:27:51,583 --> 00:27:53,542 -(LAUGHTER) -(CHEERING) 711 00:27:54,709 --> 00:27:56,083 (RETCHING) 712 00:27:56,166 --> 00:27:57,667 (SIGHS) 713 00:27:57,750 --> 00:27:59,709 STAFFER: The President will see you now. 714 00:27:59,792 --> 00:28:00,750 Great. 715 00:28:00,834 --> 00:28:02,208 -(CHEERING CONTINUES) -MATT: Hey, uh, 716 00:28:02,291 --> 00:28:04,917 Jordan's gonna be signing merchandise at the bar. 717 00:28:05,041 --> 00:28:07,583 (LAUGHS) I'm just kidding. He's in hiding. 718 00:28:07,667 --> 00:28:09,917 ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 719 00:29:11,667 --> 00:29:14,166 I may be a fake, and a fraud, and a terrible lay, 720 00:29:14,250 --> 00:29:16,625 and a credit risk, but I am still a useful, 721 00:29:16,709 --> 00:29:17,709 functioning-- 722 00:29:18,125 --> 00:29:19,583 -Actually can you do this? Yeah. -Yeah. 723 00:29:19,667 --> 00:29:20,667 -(BEEPING) -♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ 724 00:29:21,000 --> 00:29:23,208 Why is the ship beeping? Gotta be a warning of some kind. 725 00:29:23,291 --> 00:29:25,250 Yes. You don't usually have a recurring beep 726 00:29:25,333 --> 00:29:26,750 to tell you everything is going just fine. 727 00:29:26,834 --> 00:29:28,792 -Why can you panic and I can't panic? -I'm not panicking. 728 00:29:28,875 --> 00:29:30,000 -(BEEPING) -Iris! 729 00:29:30,083 --> 00:29:33,041 The ship is beeping. This could cause mass distress. 730 00:29:33,375 --> 00:29:34,166 (BEEPING) 731 00:29:34,458 --> 00:29:35,792 -I need you to hook me up. -What do you need? 732 00:29:35,875 --> 00:29:37,083 Porno, mint jelly? 733 00:29:37,166 --> 00:29:38,458 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 734 00:29:38,542 --> 00:29:39,709 (SCREAMING) 735 00:29:40,083 --> 00:29:41,625 Lots of sedatives. 736 00:29:41,709 --> 00:29:43,542 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ 55385

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