All language subtitles for Avenue.5.S01E05.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb

We have to transform
those sex bots.

They have
to be absolutely convincing.

What if we connect
a real Comms Link

to their prop headsets.

That is exactly the sort
of idea I should have had,

if I weren't a complete fraud.

Here's an idea
to get people to like you,

cocktail party.
You can meet 19 people a week.

Don't people come in couples?

No, widows, widowers, priests,
ugly people.

-You're not a couple.
-Neither was Zeus.

I'm basically Zeus.

I would suggest
everyone laughing,

hitting it off,
maybe on the bridge.

This is perfect.
Get some Mr. Average

to push that fake button
we have for the kids.

Can I join the party? Go!

There's a rupture
in the turd shield.

A real captain would be
out there.

-You ready to do this?
-With every fiber of my being...

No.

One, two. One, two.

Hello, I'm Jordan.

Best stand-up comic
this side of Mars.

Also, the only stand-up comic
this side of Mars,

but don't tell my mum that,
she's super impressed.

Laugh, laugh, laugh....

-Two, two. Is this thing on?
-Yeah, it's on.

No-- I know. It's a bit.

The "is this on" thing,

to imply that the audience
weren't laughing.

Best thing about doing
stand-up in space?

Literally no pressure.

-Is this thing on?
-Yup.

No, I know it's...

And then I'll plug the beer.

And... when I first
took this gig on,

they told me that I needed

enough material to cover
the first half of the journey,

so I guess now I need a tight
one year and three quarters.

Is that funny?

-Or is that too much maths?
-"Math."

I can't look!

God!
That's not good.

- It's shit.
- It's all shit!

Hey, maybe they heard your set.

Captain, you ready to do this?

I'd always
hoped that my last words

might be better than...

"Fuck me, no."

I don't know how
to attach the tether.

There should be an instruction
panel right in front of you.

To attach your safety tether...

- F...
- ...simply grasp the narrow end
of the clamp

to release the G Catch.

There.
That wasn't so hard, was it?

Well, you fucking try it.

Okay, it's a spacewalk, so...

walk.

So, Captain,
what exactly are you looking at?

-The inside of my eyelids.
-Ha.

There appears to be no floor.

Yes, Captain. You--
You really make this look easy.

Why is he flailing
around like that? What--

-No. Look. He's upright now.
-Yes.

No, just gone back.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna do 600 pushups
and then throw up in the sink.

Can you get visuals
on the wet suit compromise?

"Have visuals"?
What's wrong with "see"?

-Or "come back in".
-Engineering?

-Present.
-Yeah, not you.

Looking at wet suit
protocol three now.

Captain Courageous
needs to locate

the lateral access valve
where it intersects with the...

Intersects with the binary caps

from the lower deck.
Did you get that?

All I got from that was,
"You're gonna die out here."

Find a big metal wheel
and turn it off.

Estimate of her velocity,
Captain?

- I might actually sneeze.
- He can't hear you because...

-well, you know, he's outside--
-RYAN: What happens then?

-Billie, what's the sneezing
protocol in space?
-Good point.

Get me in his ear.
I'll walk him home.

Is there one?

Could you look that up?

-Hola.
-Gracias.

Yeah, in other devastating news,

Spike is about to join
the auto comms.

The icing on the shit.

I got you now, buddy.

-Whoa! She's a gusher.
-Please don't call it "she."

Why? That thing's powerful.
And I respect it.

I'm gonna go check on a valve.

Billie?

Okay. Mr. Tambourine Man,
you're up.

- Yeah, sure.
- Billie?

So, we're just splitting
forward, protocol three.

It's just a... thing we do.

- We love you, Spike!
- Okay, Captain,

I'm splitting forward
protocol three.

It's just-- It's a thing we do.
Don't worry.

Make way
for the shit shooter.

- God, was that me?
- It's a little bit of all of us.

Hey! I got a button
on the end of my fist,

do you wanna press it
with your face? Button dick!

I think she's talking to me.

Yeah, so,
nobody thought to put this
wheel on the inside.

Would that have been
easier at all?

- Bugger me.
- No!

I can taste
last year's breakfast.

Some guys would pay good money
to have that done to them.

And girls. Women.

Not me, though..

Other way, other way.

Don't worry, Captain.
You got this.

I've got this.
Turn it this way.

Of course I've got it!

I was born getting it.

I haven't got it. Help me more.

That's it.

Yes!

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Alan, get me a car to Buffalo!

You're going to the White House?

Yes. Time to do
some corporate begging.

Yes!

There he is!
There he is. I believed in you!

Unlike Iris. She already
rented out your cabin.

That was nothing!

But then, what isn't?

He's so modest,
he could almost be British.

Why the fuck did I say that?

I think that stuff
is neurodevelopmental.

I was very, very proud of how

Captain Ryan followed
my direction out there.

You were out of depth
on the bridge.

Yes, you're much better suited
in a secondary position.

Right, well--

Fucking balls.

Burn those suits,
they smell like hell!

I can actually hear that smell.

Hey, beautiful.

Tonight at midnight, we reach
our furthest point from Earth

and turn around to head back.

I know. Time flies.
I don't wanna go home, either.

But I'll see you later
at the Halfway Home party.

Hey, is-- is that true?

Well, it was true
when I said it.

Like a marriage vow.

And you just kept this up?

Sure. I mean,
we could still have a...

"One Forty-Sixth
of the Way Home" Party.

- Yeah, that could work.
- Spike gets it.

We brought 200,000
dollars' worth of streamers.

The only other use would be
for your funeral.

Hey. It's the shit whisperer.

Hey, Benjamin Button!

Shit stack walking.

Frankenfuck.

Mr. Crappatoa.

Wow! Couldn't you just stay
in this cabin all day?

I mean, I know I could.

And I think you should.

Why?

There's just so much
to explore, baby.

We have booze. Right?
Who doesn't love booze?

And--
And four books--

five books here!
I mean that's just-- right?

All I did was...

And then they...

And the--

Don't ever sit.

Inflate one thousand balloons.

I need to vet your materials
for this show this evening.

Wow. So it's true.
The show really does go on.

It's in your contract.
You'd be doing a show tonight

even if this was
a burned-out hulk

full of space junk
and dead animals.

So...

Jokes.

Do some.

-Okay, what makes you laugh?
-Comedy.

-Obviously.
-And sometimes tragedy.

Light tragedy.
Erectile dysfunction,

non-fatal hunting accidents,

waving at someone
you think you know

but it turns out to be
a stranger, that sort of thing.

Now, make it topical.

Mention "it,"
but don't mention it.

"It"? That's horrible.

Go.

-Okay, I could start with--
-It's not called "sit-down."

I can start with...

"This is some hot shit."

You know it's actually
extremely cold in space?

Are you gonna do this
the whole way through?

Yes. And I'd say you're
a heckler's wet dream right now.

You see
what I did? Did you see--

I put a fucking goldfish bowl
on my head,

went out there,
and fixed a spaceship.

I know.

I need you to make it clear
that it wasn't Frank's fault.

-Who's Frank?
-My husband.

Do you mind
if we don't talk about him?

He's-- He's only there to stop
his skeleton from falling over.

Christ,
I'm coming off my fucking nut.

I feel like I could
kill and eat a man.

God! Just fuck me and
don't even give me your name.

Okay! So...

somebody needs
some soap for their mouth

and a hot toddy
for their mood. Sit.

Chill.

I just did something,
and I don't know what it was.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know how anybody knows
what they're doing.

Does anybody know
what they're doing?

How does anything work?
Does anybody know?

How-- I mean who knows
how that door works?

It doesn't work.

Well, I didn't even know
how it doesn't work.

And look at this.

I mean, how am I doing that?

I do not know how the fuck
I'm doing that.

-Drink this.
-Now you--

See, orifices!

They're all over us! Well,
that can't be safe, can it?

You know what's ironic?

I just left a man
who can't finish his sentence,

and here you are, and you
just can't shut the F up.

-Hi.
-Hi!

I feel a bit trapped.

Well honey, we're all trapped.

The sky is full of S-H-I-T.

No.
There it floats.

Bollocks.

Can everything
just fuck off?

Wait, is that--
Was that Captain Ryan?

- It-- It was not.

In fact, I will be back soon,
tootsie roll, okay?

I'll see you all tonight.

Bring your children.

Unless they have
behavioral disorders.

And bring them, too.
It's a party!

Hey, I don't wanna get you
overexcited,

but this party is going to be
an orgy of the gods--

I don't get overexcited.

I'm always the same
fucking level of excited.

-Right, Iris?
-Yes.

I'll have another shot
of water, please.

All right! Let's go yell
in some people's faces!

I'm so sorry.
Please enjoy this Judd voucher

- Hey!
- I apologize. These are...

- You don't need this!
- ...valid anywhere on the ship.

Take the French fries.
Leave the beer.

I'm so sorry. These are valid
everywhere on the ship

-except the golf course.
-All right...

Really?
Can I get one of those?

-Hey.
-Hey, Billie.

-You look nice.
-So do you.

I decided to go for
"I just saved the ship" casual.

"We" just saved the ship.

-What did I say?
-Yeah.

Hey!

-Come on. Stop that.
-Stop.

-Stop it.
-Thank you.

-We were just doing our job.
-I was just doing my job.

We just did what we had to do.

-I did what I had to do.
-Thank you.

Yes. Yes.
Did you see me out there?

Do you understand,
I've not slept a wink
since you freaked me out.

I'm writing my jokes
on tissue paper.

Who does that these days?

We can delay the start
by five minutes.

Are you sure
it's safe for me here?

- I'm getting sneering looks.
- Honey, relax.

Everybody's here
to celebrate Captain Ryan.

My god, he looks amazing
in that turtleneck.

Listen, with him wearing that,

I guarantee nobody
is thinking about you.

We make a really great team.

You saving the ship,
and me thanking you for that.

Yeah. I mean, you know,
they were probably

livestreaming the whole thing
all over the world.

So right now,
I'm probably more famous

than that guy who shat his pants
at the Superbowl.

-Daniel Radcliffe?
-Yeah.

Those two are an item.

-Those two? No.
-Yeah.

- Yeah.
- No. Nuh. No.

She's not his type.

I mean, I think he would...

I think he would probably want
an older woman,

you know, a woman
who's more, like, mature.

The way I see it, like...

twenty-five hundred women
on board?

At least seven hundred of them,

I would totally want
a consensual meeting with.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

I am gonna get me
some informed consent tonight.

Just some sweet, sweet
informed consent

from a strong
autonomous woman--

Hey guys, did you hear that?
I-- I think that was the sound

of seven hundred vaginas
snapping shut.

It's not.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am horny as hell,

so I am gonna go out
and get my body slammed.

And it's okay that she said--

We're-- We're separated.

They just haven't found me
my own cabin yet.

We...

-We should...
-Yeah, we should.

I'll freshen up
and see you down there.

That means he has to
have a little cry.

I really don't.

-Shots?
-You know, I usually don't drink

because it makes me blunt
and opinionated.

As opposed to?

Hey, everyone.

Welcome
to the Halfway Home party.

Now, in a second,
I'm gonna bring out

our comedian for the evening.
His name's Jordan Hatwal.

He is...
...extremely nervous.

Okay? But I know you guys
are gonna love him.

Right?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Okay. Okay.

I think that's probably gonna
make him more nervous

'cause it was
pretty underwhelming.

Let's try it again, right?

Are you excited
for Jordan Hatwal?

Okay, okay.

Okay. I don't think
he can live up to that.

You know, if he was that good,

he'd probably be doing
arena shows on Earth.

Um... But...

Now that I've lowered
your expectations again,

I think you might be
pleasantly surprised

by the competent, workmanlike
comedy of Jordan Hatwal.

But before he comes out
to win you over

or die horribly,

I want to give
a big round of applause

to our heroes,
Captain Ryan Clark...

-...and...
-Billie McEvoy!

...former astronaut
Spike Martin.

What?

Okay.
Jordan, are you ready to go?

Yep.

Listen to him,
he's nervous, right?

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Okay!

Please put your hands together

or silently reserve judgement
for Jordan Hatwal.

All right.
Hey, how you doin'?

I've been asleep for the last
120 hours, what did I miss?

We're stuck up here
for three years.

Okay, guys.
That was his first joke,

so you can laugh,
it's okay to laugh.

Matt, don't--
Don't do that.

I'm just--
I'm just trying to help.

Yeah, it's--
it's hard doing,

a Halfway Home gig when,
I mean, we're not even halfway--

- I vetoed that angle.
... okay.

Guys, pretend that
we're 21 months into the voyage.

Right?
Is-- is that helpful?

- No.
- Yes.

Doesn't--
It's not helpful.

Do you want-- Do you wanna
come up here and do the set?

Sure, yeah.

I wasn't actually asking.

You were joking?

Yep, that was a joke.

That's what I'm here to do.

It's like the joke police
over here.

Anyway, shoehorns...

- pretty weird, aren't they?
- Yes!

Thank you for your service!

You're real-life heroes!

- People loved us.
- No, no, no, I'm sorry, no.

I don't get it. I just don't--
I don't get this, this--

I arm-wrestled with space

-and I won, so that was me.
-Speaking of arms,

yours are so firm.

How do you find gym time
in between saving lives?

Well, f-- f-- firm
is my middle name.

What's your first name?

-Colin.
-Colin Firm.

Yeah, Colin Firm Erbifritz.

Is that Italian?

-No, it's actu--
-Who cares?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Guess who else
will be on the prowl tonight?

Captain Ryan Clark,
ladies and gentlemen.

He's as horny and as hairy
as a tomcat, and I should know,

because back in the day,
he put a baby up me.

-Wow!
-Wow.

Was your oxygen restricted in
your early developmental years?

You can't wash
the shame away, Frank.

Next time leave it
to the professionals,

you silly man.

Why can't the Captain
be a womanizer?

Or a man-anizer?

He can do what he wants.

I actually don't care
at this point.

- Captain Clark is a sex man?
- He's a dog.

Hey, fuck it.
Shall we start a conga?

Let's do a conga.

-Whoo!
-Frank, come on.

- Allez.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Come on,
let's get outta here. Okay!

- I'm sorry.
- Check it out.

First person that's laughed
in quite some time.

Hey, you wanna
come back to my place?

Sure, yeah, I'll take it
where I can get it.

- A hole's a hole.
... No, thank you.

I-- I have
a flight simulation game

I would love to play with you.
Be an honor, sir.

Okay, well, I'll batten down
the sexual hatches.

Let's fly some ships.

... So, um...
Do you remember the,

the phones that you had to
plug in to charge?

Yes, I do.

Yeah, well, they...

They were, um...

... no.
No, that one's gone.

Just give it a second.

'Cause this could be good
when you think of it.

- They had a cord.
- They had a cord, yeah.

I don't think that was
the punchline, though. Um...

Promote the beer.

Hey!
- You can probably tell from
our expressions that...

- we need to talk face-to-face.
- No, no, no. You're talking.
You should-- no.

'Cause I called you,
so you should really wait.

-Anyway, doesn't matter.
-Ryan, we have to
tell you something.

-I know, it was impressive--
-Now, it's not bad.

Wait-- What--
What do you mean, "bad"?

We love you, but...

we didn't sign up for three
and a half years, and...

- with that crazy spacewalk...
- Yes.

...we can't--
- You're looking
at a hero, basically.

-We can't take the stress.
-The wh-- what?

You lose the plot,
you lose your slot.

"Slot"? This is a marriage,
not a fucking squash court.

We're getting trivorced.

Two-thirds majority.
Motion carried.

- What about our vows?
"Hand in hand in hand"?
No, sorry.

And then I downed it in one
and I threw up on...

on her dress, and...

That was the end of...

end of prom and, um...

that's the first time
I had a drink.

But it was a Judd Light,

and Judd Light is available
throughout the ship.

Um, it's, a-- a liquid party.

I'm right in here.

What are you doing?

-What?
-Just going in my room.

-Why are you here?
-It's my room.

If you're trying to trick us
into a foursome,

there's no tricking needed.

This isn't a foursome,
it's a twosome.

-I'm easy.
-You guys stay here.

Why'd you bring
the peat bog man?

We're going
on my flight simulator.

Well, you need to
vacate the room

because I'll be
making love everywhere.

Hey, yeah, we could--
we could go to yours.

- Can I keep that as a backup?
- Sure, yeah.

Give 'em a minute,
see what pans out.

Colin Firm, get in here!

What?

Sorry, Doug,
the viewing gallery is closed.

Come on.
Let's just do it quickly.

- No...
- No, no, no.

-Just do it quickly, before he--
-Do it!

- Who cares about him?
- No no, I--

- Do it! Do it!
- You want it, you want it.

Don't be a pussy, Colin!

I'm sorry-- I wasn't
trained for this, I'm sorry.

This reminds me of my last days

on the International
Space Station.

That was a scene!

I ruined it for her.

So I won.

So, my last relationship
didn't end well.

But-- Well, in some ways
you could say it did.

'Cause my girlfriend
fell down a well.

Gravity, what a downer.

No, no, no, no.
. No. No.

Hey, it's Mr. Judd, everyone.

No, hold your applause.

Four people died
because of that gravity fail.

Don't joke about
stuff like that.

Maybe that's why your girlfriend
jumped down that well,

'cause of those kind of jokes.

She didn't, she just left me--

I was gonna
say a few words later,

but now that ""

sucked all the good energy
out of the room and just...

flushed it out into space
like...

I'm just gonna read it now.

"As you know, this was
meant to be the halfway point,

but we're not halfway.

And yet, in so many ways,

we're more...
...than halfway."

-Iris, who wrote this?
-I did.

And is it like this
all the way through,

or does it get any better?

Well, that was the best part,
and you kind of threw it away.

Fuck!

All right.

"Because we've come
a long way,

and I'm proud of you

and of me,

and I'm inspired
by you and me."

I'm just
gonna skip to the end.

- Yep.
- All right.

"We can do this!
We're nearly there!

We're not, but we are!"

Ever been to Buffalo before?

It's changed a lot

since they moved
the White House there.

-For a start--
-RAV: Shut up.

Alan, this better not be
bad news. I--

What the fuck is that?

I'm afraid some of
the, residual matter

hasn't escaped
the ship's gravitational pull.

Okay. Well...

It's a ring of shit.

A ring of shit?

Could you just--?
Back to the book.

On the upside, you can't see
the coffins anymore.

No. There's one.

Get ready to pretend we're
ten minutes to halfway there.

Could I get
another one of those?

- Sure.
- Um...

Billie, don't ever, ever show
anyone your feelings.

All right? Just bury them
as deep as you can.

Scrunch them up
into a little tiny ball

and then just...

Grow a couple of ulcers
if you wanna mark the spot,

but otherwise, just smile,
pretend everything's fine.

-You're not a happy drunk.
-I'm not a happy anything.

- You the man!
- Hi, there. Hey.

Is it-- Why is
the shit still outside there?

Iris!

It's getting thicker.

We're--
We're working on it.

All right, that's Mr. Judd,
everybody. Give it up.

- Yeah, it's on.
- I know it's on--

You're gonna have to
compensate us for this.

This is your fault.

I mean, it's Frank's fault.

He hit the big brown button.

- Yeah.
- You mean, shit the button.

See, that's comedy, man.

That right there is comedy,
word play.

I love it.

Hey, Frank, what if I came
and took a shit

outside of your room?

The shit
is already outside my room.

Okay. Then I'll come take a shit

inside your room.

I'll pay for the cleanup,
so you can do it again tomorrow.

We should shit Frank
out the airlock.

You hurt him without my consent
and involvement

and I will harm you deeply.

Shit. Him. Out.

Shit him out! Yeah.

- Shit him out!
- Shit him out!

Shit him out!

Guys,
come on, calm down.

-Whoo! Shit him out!
-Shit him out!

Hey, who remembers
the last Oscars? That was
a real shitshow, wasn't it?

They gave an award to a sparrow.

Do you have...

Do you have a whistle you can
blow to keep him under control?

- Shit him out!
- When he gets like this,

it's best to just let him
wear himself out.

- Security! Shit him the shit...
All right,
all right, I understand you're--

...out of the airlock
and into the shit!

You need to shut the F up

before I knock you the F--
Frank!

-Frank!
-Shit him out!

-Frank! Frank!
-Shit him out! Shit him out!

Frank! Frank!

Hey! Put him down, he's mine!

No! Stop murdering someone!

Frank!

Do something!

Well, I guess things are looking
up for-- Thank fuck.

Calm... and I cannot
stress this enough...

the fuck down!

Mr. Judd did not mean
shit anybody out.

He was making a joke.

Yeah. Yeah.

You guys
don't understand comedy.

I do.

What I did back there,
that was comedy. Idiots.

... right, and the comedy
was, may I say,

exquisitely performed,
unlike this guy, who...

I assume was abused by
a punchline when he was a kid.

- Come on!
- Taking his revenge--

Do you mind? Please!

Okay, security, can we--
can we bring Frank back down?

Right? Let's bring--
Let's bring Frank back down.

- Thank God.
- Whoo!

Thank you.

And can we,
render him vertical?

There we go.

Okay. Now, do you know
what's gonna get us out of this?

A big rocket?

No.

That--
Well, yes, that would be...

Okay, there's two ways
we can get out of this.

Captain Ryan saved you, okay?

So you just owe him
a big handshake.

- Go on. Go ahead.
- Teamwork.

We together as a team.
All right?

Like the Egyptians
building the pyramids.

We can be like... bricks

in one of those Mexican palaces

with the steps up the side,
we climb the steps--

- Frank!
- Whoa.

You stay away
from my wife, you jackal!

Or you will have me
and my wife to deal with!

Got it? Captain Turtleneck?

-Frank!
-Honey--

-That was wrong.
-Honey--

Hot, but wrong.

- We're ten seconds
from Halfway Home.
So...

- It's funny, isn't it?
You call them "elevators."
Ten. Nine...

- But they just don't elevate
they also... lower.
Eight. Seven. Six. Seven.

And zero!

We're halfway home!

Let's party so loud,
they hear us back on Earth.

Who threw that?
You are dead man.

All right, or woman,
let's not be sexist.

But actually, no, it was--
it was a man.

It was him there.

Not him. Him!

-This is all on you.
-What?

You had one job.

I expect. I'm not sure
exactly what you do.

I saved everybody, so I think
the words you're looking for

are "thank you, Billie"

and "I'm sorry I've got a rod
up my metal ass."

I hope you're trampled
by this conga line--

Whoa!

Iris, I'll be in my cabin
with a protein ball and a gun.

- Yes, Mr. Judd--
- JUDD: Iris!

I heard you!

Well, I think that's my time.

So thanks for coming, everyone,
to see the funniest man

in the universe.

That's me,
in case it wasn't clear.

I think everything will be okay
if we just stick together.

Worked for every
extinct species in history.

What a crazy night, right?

Knock, knock.

Knock, knock.

These-- These people are...

...the bravest and the boldest.

They are humanity's finest,
and they need safe--

The President will see you now.

Great.

Hey,

Jordan's gonna be
signing merchandise at the bar.

I'm just kidding.
He's in hiding.