Original subtitles

Now, Mrs. Deadwire, how may I help you?

It's about my husband.

Your late husband?

Well, sort of.

You mean this is sort of about your late husband?

No, I mean my husband is sort of late.

Oh, what a pickle.

So, your husband is not dead after all. But he is, Mr. Omer. I know he

is.

She's dead, my lord.

Oh, call me Amanda.

Mrs. Amanda, perhaps you should explain exactly what did or did

not happen to your husband. It happened last week when Clinton was away on a

business trip to Dallas, and the hotel desk clerk said he saw him leave for

dinner around 7, but when he came back, he wasn't alone.

He was with... A woman?

Why, yes.

Mr. Omar, that's uncanny.

Oh, call it a gift.

Please, continue.

When the maid came in the next morning, no Clinton.

What of these mysterious women?

Well, there was no sign of either of them.

You know the really strange part?

They found ashes in his bed.

Ashes?

Now, what's so strange about that?

Perhaps Mr.

Deadweller smokes in his sleep.

Fifty pounds of ashes?

Hockey smokes.

That's a lot of ashes.

What's more, they found these among them.

Clinton's gold watch and gold necklace.

They are valuable?

Oh, very.

Clinton would never go anywhere without them.

That's what I know.

Something terrible has happened to Mark Clinton.

Oh, wait.

Mrs. Detweiler, these things are with her husband. They are just pulsing with

psychic vibrations.

I will give them for further study.

Of course.

Anything.

Before we begin, it is necessary to first seduce the spirits with a

small donation.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, in advance.

Oh, I see.

I like that one.

They should have peace that's built from beyond, and they will give us their full

cooperation.

That's from a stone two thousand years ago. But I warn you, I

must have absolute silence.

You must not speak.

Let the spirit first speak to you.

Do you understand?

Elohim.

Adonai.

Zebuah.

Remove the veil that lies between this world and the next.

I call into the Black Peak.

I am summoning Clinton Deathwiler.

Hey, Clinton, are you out there?

Well,

hello there, missy.

Are you from around these parts?

I don't get back to Dallas nearly as often as I'd like.

Excuse me, lady. You know what I mean?

What?

What's she like?

Nothing special.

Why, hell, she ain't half as pretty as you are.

Why, you son of a bitch!

Why, ain't you the feisty little minx.

What say we go to my hotel room and, uh...

Darling, the Lyndon B. Johnson suite.

So, take your little panty over here and I'll show you a real Texas

Longhorn.

I can show myself out.

Wait. What are you doing down there?

Watch the teeth, will you? Hey, cut it out.

Hey, go.

Quiet,

honey. What's wrong?

He's gone.

He beat him.

He beat him in the... He beat him in the...

My god!

She sees me!

Get away!

Get away, violence!

No, no, no, no, no!

Suck me.

Suck you.

Suck your brains all out. Look into her eyes and there's no glimmer.

Better cross your belt.

She will drag you six feet in the hole.

The royalty says to fuck you, fuck. Rock and roll!

Late at night, try to reach her.

Now you're going to the preacher.

Forget about the way he's lit.

She sees a cross, she starts to hit.

She sees a cross, she spits out her hand.

Finally made it back.

You won't believe how much stuff they had there. I could have had to eat all

night.

Let me guess.

A flea market.

What else?

This is becoming a compulsion.

You can't get anything else into your room, and now you're starting to fill up

the attic in the garage.

Oh, lay off, will ya?

I mean, you gotta have your hobbies. God knows we don't have any boyfriends.

I do.

Sort of.

Well, at least you've got your music.

And me, I like to cook. We know.

Well, and I don't see why Marcy shouldn't feel free to collect her...

Antiques. Yeah.

Hey, look, all I'm saying is I don't want to piss off the other girls. We

barely made it into this sorority, and I don't want to get kicked out.

Oh, don't worry.

Want to see what I got?

Sure. Melody?

Okay.

Look at this. Isn't this darling?

I can't wait till the weather gets warmer so I can wear it.

Boy, it goes great with her eyes, doesn't it?

I couldn't resist these.

Oh, what are they?

Matching salt and pepper shakers.

Oh, great.

We could use them the next time we entertain.

Yes. Especially if Mr.

Green Jeans comes over.

Hey, I didn't know you wore these.

I don't. I bought them for you.

Oh, thanks!

Break it up, you guys.

What else did you get?

A hand-carved coconut monkey head.

My dad.

Bought me one like this exactly in Florida when I was six years old, and

then my baby brother smashed it with a hammer.

I cried for weeks.

I'll bet.

I never see these anymore.

I can't imagine why.

It would look great on top of the piano.

Oh, no, no.

You bought it for yourself, and I think it would really look good in your room.

Don't you agree, Mickey?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Yeah, you're sure?

Oh, yeah, trust me.

Wow.

Hey, is this for real?

Yeah, it's a real crystal.

Feel how heavy it is.

But, I mean, is it, well, you know, magical?

Well, the guy who sold it to me said it once belonged to a medium. A medium

what? A spiritualist.

A fortune teller.

Oh. Well, why did he get rid of it? Did he change careers?

Um, no.

I think he died.

You mean I'm holding a dead medium's ball?

Oh, come on, Mickey. It's just a piece of glass.

I don't know. This stuff scares me. I mean, I saw this movie once where these

guys broke into this Egyptian tomb and they stole these artifacts and this

vampire lady, she put a curse on him.

Hey, what's so funny?

You are.

You're not supposed to take that stuff seriously.

It'll rot your brain.

I don't even like those films.

One stupid zombie picture was enough for me.

Well, I don't know.

You start messing around, and your head starts to do a 360. Don't say I didn't

warn you.

Hey, it's pretty quiet around here.

Where is everybody?

Didn't you know?

Everybody is gone for the weekend.

Everyone? Everyone except us.

Carol and Dawn went camping with their boyfriends.

Joy, Nancy, and Megan are down in Palm Springs.

And Missy went to the Bahamas with her folks.

What about Cindy?

Oh, she hung out with Bob Margolis. No, really?

They're probably in Vegas by now.

And that leaves the three of us alone for the whole weekend.

Well, you know, guys, we've never had the place all to ourselves.

Seems like we ought to do something special.

Like what?

Hey, I know.

Let's have a party.

And invite who?

Everybody's gone.

Well, I don't mean the girls.

Let's get some guys over here.

Um, Melody, I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but we don't know any guys.

Well, what about Kevin?

The one you went out with last month?

Yeah. Wasn't he that physics major?

Real shy?

Yeah. I had to take his hand and put it down my blouse.

told us that?

You old monster.

What happened?

Nothing. He got his class ring caught in my bra and it took ten minutes to get it

loose. He ran all the way back to the dorm.

And he never called you after that. You came on too strong.

No! I think he was just embarrassed.

Well, yeah, but even if you do get him to come over, what about us?

I'll tell him to bring two of his fraternity brothers.

Hold it. This is starting to sound like a blind date.

Hey, so what if it is? I mean, we kind of beat sitting around on a Saturday

night by ourselves.

And what have we got to lose?

Hello? Hello, Kevin. This is Melody. Melody.

What a surprise.

I was wondering why you haven't called me.

I've been really busy studying for a big exam.

For a whole month?

Actually, I was afraid that you were mad at me.

Why?

For trying to take advantage of you.

Kevin, I practically raped you.

What was that?

Nothing. It was just the TV.

Gosh, Melody.

Does that mean that you... I mean, you really do...

like me?

Of course I like you.

Kevin,

are you still there?

Yes, Melody. I'm here.

What is it?

Well, me and a couple friends from Trietta Pie are having a party and would

like you to come tonight.

Oh, gee, Melody, I don't know. I have a big trigonometry test on Monday.

Kevin!

All right.

All right, I'll be there.

Oh, good.

And, um, if you could bring along a couple of other guys for Mickey and

Marcy. Yeah, a couple of hunks.

What?

only boy here, do you?

Two guys, huh?

I might be able to find somebody.

Who are the girls? Do I know them?

Um, yeah, I'm sure you remember Mickey.

She made the president of the home economics class last fall.

Oh, yeah.

She's the one with the great big smile.

What about the other one?

Marcy. Oh, she's a history major.

I don't know any history majors.

Hey, well, you will after tonight. See you at seven. Bye.

Well, he's coming.

And he's bringing a couple of guys.

What are their names? Who cares? They're guys.

Yeah. Okay, here's the plan.

Okay, Mickey, you take care of the food.

And Marcy and I will fix up.

Sure thing.

Before we get... started. Could you help me finish unloading the car?

Oh, you mean there's more? Sure, there's lots of goodies still out there. I never

knew they made a six-foot lava lamp.

You guys are not going to believe this.

What's up?

Time for class?

You keep reading that stuff, dude, you're going to go blind.

Screw you, Freddy.

What's going on?

I just got a call from Melody Hoffmeyer.

The chick you struck out with last month?

Maybe I didn't strike out.

Like I said, she called me.

So, big deal. What's that got to do with us?

She just invited the three of us to a party at the Tri-Ada Pie House.

When? Tonight at 7.

Oh, dudes, the Ada Pies are boxes!

Well, they're not all going to be there. Just Melody and two of her sisters.

Well, that's okay. A piece of pie apiece.

Oh, wait a second.

Which two sisters?

One of them's the girl who won that Home Ec Award last semester.

Thunder Thighs Johnson?

Oh, wait. She's not your pal.

Oh, sure.

Stick me with the wide ride.

Who's my date? The Elephant Man?

She's a history major.

Her name's Marcy.

Not Marcy.

Feinberg. You know her?

She's in my biology class.

The glasses she wears make up half her body weight.

Well, in case you haven't looked in the mirror lately, you're not exactly James

Bond. James Bond isn't James Bond anymore.

Look, you guys.

None of us are exactly the GQ types.

So why don't you just go and make the best of it?

Oh, sure. That's easy for you to say. You get Melody. I get Moby Dick.

Oh, she's not so hot. I saw her once.

She can open a beer bottle with those buck teeth of hers.

You take that back, you little squid. I should have known better than doing you

a favor.

What kind of favor is fixing us up with the Gorgon sisters?

Hey, look, dude, if you really don't like this Marcy chick, I'll take her.

And leave me with Mickey the monster?

Forget it.

Well, maybe the two of you could have an eating contest.

You're not going to serve one another. You two can run up and join a side show.

We're the ugliest couple.

Who are you calling ugly, sperm brat?

Yeah, you look up ugly in the dictionary and find a picture of you.

That was older than your underwear.

You keep out of this. Not after what you said about Melody.

Well, what have we here?

Looks like a bunch of fags to me. Yeah.

You guys quittering off down there or what?

Hey, guys, it's not what you think.

Really? Looks pretty fishy to me, doesn't it, guys?

See, me and the boys were just having a friendly little argument.

Looks a little too friendly, homo. Back off, man.

I'd say you boys have committed a serious infraction against frat rules.

What say I consult the manual?

Good idea, Phil.

Any brother or brothers caught participating in any kind of homosexual

activity shall have all privileges suspended pending a review and public

humiliation by his or their elder brothers.

Seems like there's a new rule in that thing every time you open it.

What, you don't believe it? It's in there right next to the rule against

bestiality. Uh, bud, I think we put that rule out at the time we, uh...

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

Look, you guys, this is ridiculous. For your information, we just got invited to

a party at the Triada Pie House.

Oh, yeah? So how come we didn't hear about it?

Small party.

Three gals and three guys.

Yeah, you have to find your own women.

Come on, they're lying.

Oh, look, if you don't believe us, why don't you call the Ida Pies and ask

them?

This alters everything.

I had no idea you were so friendly with our sorority sisters.

We never think to question the masculinity of any guy invited to party

with the eight of pies.

However, we do have certain rules regarding such matters.

It is strictly forbidden for any uninitiated pledge to fraternize with

any member of a sister sorority. The penalty for infringement is mandatory

expulsion. Gosh, fellas, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we're going to have to ground

you for the weekend just to make sure you wouldn't do anything that would get

you kicked out of this fraternity. Yeah, we'd hate for that to happen. You can't

do this. You can't run our lives for us.

Yes, we can.

That's the entire point of being in a fraternity.

And if you don't like it, you can pack up your shit and clear out.

Have a nice evening.

Bastards, they can't get away with this. Oh, yes, they can.

As long as we're here, we've got to play it their way. Either that or we wind up

in the street.

Yeah, and the main reason we joined was the free housing.

So what are you going to do, just sit there and let them ruin our love lives?

Oh, what love lives?

A minute ago, you were against the whole evening.

Well, yeah, well, that was then.

Now I feel like we shouldn't let those assholes push us around.

It's the principle of the thing.

Yeah.

Okay, maybe we can sneak out without them noticing.

It's not like they're going to be guarding our door. Oh, and by the way,

just in case you guys are thinking of doing anything to jeopardize your

fraternal careers, we're going to be standing guard outside the door here all

night long.

Let's find the green.

What time is it now?

It's two minutes later than the last time you asked.

8.35, that jerk.

Maybe they're being fashionably late. Or fashionably not coming.

Or maybe they got run over by a bug.

Let's face the facts.

Some girls are popular and some aren't. I just thought this once.

Stop the guys.

P.S.

Surprise.

Surprise.

Sorry we're late. It took us a while to get out of the dorm.

Yeah, we had to climb out a window.

Huh?

I'll explain later.

Melody, this is Freddie, and this is Dwayne.

Hi. Hi, I'm Mickey.

I'm Marcy.

Hi. Hi.

So, this is the Triada Pie House.

Yeah, this is it.

It's nice, isn't it? Real nice.

Thank you.

Well, is anybody hungry?

I am.

Come on in.

And you see that hat that my brother's wearing in that picture? Now notice he's

not wearing it in this one. It's because it fell off the side of the tank when he

was leaning over and a killer whale ate it.

And this one, I got water on the lens. But this here is the dancing dolphin.

Or is it porpoises? It always confuses me.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, and this. Here's Mount St. Helens, but before it exploded, we didn't stick

around for that.

So, my old man threatened to send me to military school because he thought I

was, like, retarded or something.

Well, not, like, retarded, but, you know, I kept on making D's in school.

So, Kevin helped me study, so I passed my test, and so my old man would send me

to military school because he didn't like the haircut.

And then, I passed the test. You know, I got a B.

And you know what happened?

You know what?

My old man died.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. It wasn't my real dad. He was my stepdad, and he decided to drink it.

But, you know, it's just close to show you. You can't get appreciation from

anybody.

Anybody for Twister?

Okay.

Uh, uh, hang on, girls. I'll be right with you.

Hey, Dwayne. I told you I've never been to Marine Land. I'll be with her.

Oh,

great. If she doesn't inform me to death, she'll impale me with her glass.

Those sons of bitches.

Listen to this.

How the hell did they get past us?

They must have gone out the window.

From three floors up? They must have been pretty determined to go to that

party. Well, they'll pay for this one. What are you going to do?

I haven't quite decided.

It's got to be something suitable.

You going to kick them out of the frat like you said?

Eventually.

But not before inflicting some cruel and unusual punishment. Something so

emotionally and psychologically damaging, it will scar them for the rest

of their lives.

Sounds great.

Let's go visit the Triadapod.

That was fun. More fun than a barrel full of shaved apes.

What do you want to do now?

I don't know. Maybe we can get back to the dorm pretty soon.

Oh, come on, dude, don't be a party pooper.

Yeah, it's early. It's only 11.30.

All right, just a little bit longer.

So, anybody got any cards?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we have a stay on?

Marcy, what'd I tell you about that weird stuff?

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

It'll give me a chance to use my crystal ball.

Crystal ball?

She bought it at a flea market.

Well, count me out. I want no part of it.

It's okay, Mickey. There's no harm in it. What's it supposed to do, anyway?

See into another world?

Communicate with the dead?

I thought that's what I've been doing all night.

Hey, Kevin, come on, help me clear the table.

Hey,

Mickey, what are you so worried about?

I just don't like it, that's all.

I mean, it's tampering with things that man is not meant to know.

Hey, I saw that movie, too.

You did.

First I have to sit through Marcy's life story and pictures while you two sing 15

choruses of Row, Row, Row Your Boat. And then I'm nearly crushed to death by

Mickey the Monster while playing Twister. And now I have to put up with

some spook show?

Stop your whining. It beats the hell out of sitting around the dorm room being

mentally abused by Phil and his Nazis.

Besides, I think Marcy likes you. Oh, great.

You know what they say about girls who wear glasses?

What? What do they say?

So, how does this work?

Don't ask me.

Marcy's the expert.

Well?

I've never done it before. I've only read about it in a book. What book?

The Complete Witch.

Oh, that's it. I'm not sitting still for this.

Oh, come on, Mickey. Don't be a spoiled sport.

Mickey, it's okay. We're all here. Nothing's going to happen.

Okay.

Okay, how do we start?

Well... First, we must draw a hexagram, a six-pointed star on the table.

Oh, no. The girls would freak if we mark up their dining set.

Can't we get by without it?

I guess so.

But we have to make the room darker. Two candles flanking the globe.

Sounds romantic.

Two candles coming up.

No.

I don't think we should be doing this.

It makes me feel like I should sleep in the cold.

Like they used to ward off vampires.

I shouldn't sleep with the whole pizza under her pillow.

Now what?

I must encamp six names of power.

Okay.

I have to look them up.

Where the hell did that come from?

Crypto. Crypto gazing. Describing.

Here we go.

Describing.

Incantations. Six names of power.

What is that? The yellow pages to the Twilight Zone?

Quiet.

Elohim.

Adonai. Zeboa.

What's going to happen?

Now we must decide who we want to try to contact so we can send a spirit guide to

search for them.

I had a dog I loved once.

What do you want it to do, bark at you from beyond the grave?

Hey, how about my stepdad? I could find out if he wants me to go to military

school.

Spirits, hear me!

Send forth one among you who can travel across your world of darkness.

Someone to guide us through the black abyss.

And don't forget to bring a flashlight.

Shh!

Hey, that's not my stepdad.

Who are you?

I am Omar, guardian of the creature Boogie Boogie.

I too in life sought to commune with the spirit world.

No, I am a part of it.

What happened to you?

There are many very strange, weird, and powerful voices in this world.

Some are much too terrible to learn.

And some produce things that man was not meant to know.

I told you. Guys,

I'm getting scared.

Why are only the girls in danger?

Because they are far more sensitive.

They are attuned to the psychic vibrations.

What can we do to protect ourselves?

I must pass on to you three the secret that I learned too late, had I known it,

I would still be alive today.

Oh, come on, what is it?

This secret is not meant for the health of brothers.

It is to be held by you three alone.

You must make contact with the Christians.

Wait, what about not phrasing the circle?

Do not question if you do not do exactly what I say.

Then I cannot be held responsible for the evil that may befall you.

Kevin, we have to do what he says.

But how do you know you can trust him? Who would ever believe a talking head?

You better believe me, bastard.

It's almost too late.

Reach out.

Touch the crystal.

That's it.

Touch the crystal.

That's it.

And now.

Did you really think that I would do you harm?

Melody, are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

What happened to you?

Why, nothing.

I don't remember a thing.

You've got to be kidding. I mean, those lights, those voices.

I mean, what the hell did happen? I don't know.

It's all a blur.

Don't worry, Joanne.

There's nothing wrong with us.

Mickey, are you sure you're okay?

Of course I am, silly.

But it's so nice of you to be so concerned.

I'll be lying to you like now.

What?

Something good and sweet to eat.

How about it, girl?

That's like a wonderful idea.

Something to satisfy our appetite.

Come to think of it.

What's the matter, Kevin?

Aren't you hungry?

How about some whole wheat?

Oh, it looks delicious.

Kevin, you want to do the honors?

Sure, I guess so.

Careful. It's very, very sharp.

Who wants the bread?

I do.

Mmm,

so moist and sticky.

Just how I like it.

Have some.

I never thought they had it in them. Who are those girls? I don't know.

Me neither.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You could drop them on your shirt. Oh, that's okay. No harm done.

I will clean it off for you.

Oh, no, really. I can manage.

Let's share.

Shut up.

I know every sorority girl on campus.

They've got to be new around here. That's all there is to it.

But look at it this way.

They're new around here, right?

We don't know them, so obviously they don't know us.

They don't realize what they're missing out on.

Good point.

Now all we've got to do is find a way to introduce ourselves.

Oh, this fly is fabulous.

Yeah, so is this mess.

We'll worry about that later.

But it's time to get ourselves cleaned up.

Yeah, I could do for a nice hot bubble bath.

Do you boys want to join us?

Well, wouldn't it be a little...

Crowded? Oh, don't be silly. We can always squeeze you in.

Yeah, you could soak our backsides.

Oh, no.

We wouldn't dream of intruding on your privacy.

We wouldn't?

No.

You guys go ahead.

Teddy, we'll wait for you down here.

We will?

But, but, well, suit yourselves.

You boys will wait for us, won't you?

Yes. Oh, yeah.

Don't run off.

Oh, don't worry. We won't.

Good. We'll be back in three shakes.

Bubble bath.

Bubble bath.

What the hell was that all about, dude? Why did you turn him

down?

Why did we let you turn them down? Are we stupid or something?

Haven't you guys thought of something different about those girls? Yeah, you

actually like them.

No, since we first got here.

They've changed.

Yeah, I thought it was my imagination.

Maybe we're just getting used to them. I don't know.

Their personalities are different.

But they're fun.

Yeah.

Whatever it was happened during that seance, so maybe they got possessed by

something. Oh, man, seriously.

How could you explain it?

I don't want to explain it. I just want to enjoy it. Yeah, me too.

Oh, boy, I've been sleeping with Abba.

What makes you think there's something wrong with them?

For one thing, the way they're acting.

And another, that guy in the crystal ball.

He was for real, unless you think we're all hallucinating.

Okay, suppose something has happened. Suppose something from hell has gotten

into them.

What do you expect us to do? Call Ghostbusters?

I don't know.

This is not something advanced trigonometry has prepared me for.

Well, if they do have a bad case of demons, shouldn't we best clear out?

That's not very heroic.

No, but it is smart.

Let me think.

The best thing we should do is hang around, at least until we figure out

what we're up against. Okay. Keep an eye on them. Yeah.

What the heck are you doing?

I think you're doing fine now.

Watch out, you dirty girl.

Delicious.

Well,

so much for not intruding on their privacy.

Guys, this is for their own good. We owe it to them to make sure they're alright.

Well, are they all right?

All right!

All right!

Let me see.

Holy

shit!

This is great. Give me a turn, dude. Wait a second.

Oh, no way, dude. Find your own keyhole. I was here first.

Knock it off. You guys don't hear us.

So what? I don't think they're very shy to me.

That's my point.

Do you still think those are the same three girls who invited us over here

tonight? I don't know, but I'm starting not to care.

You better care.

Something is very wrong here.

Who knows what they're capable of?

I'd love to find out. That's the last thing we should do. Under no

circumstances should any of us let them touch us. We have got to stay cool.

about to suck on my true home

God's mood.

I don't know how you expect me to handle it if Marcy starts coming on to me.

Try not to think about sex.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

Think about something else. Think about baseball.

Baseball, yeah.

Getting to first base, second base, slamming it home, going all the way.

On second thought, forget baseball.

Freddy, will you come help me with something in my room?

Keep cool and hands off.

Right.

Do you think you can handle it alone?

I hope so.

We can't let them get us all hot and bothered.

Speaking of hot and bothered, I'm going to go get a drink of water. You want

anything? No, I'm fine.

Do you want to play with me?

My mommy and daddy are gone and we're all alone.

Let's play duck.

Come on, we can do it in the backyard.

What the hell?

Well, this is all over. We're going to have to have a long talk with those

guys.

Hey, Mickey, where'd you go?

There.

You Tarzan.

Won't you?

Let's get primitive.

Now it's my turn to examine you. Oh, look.

Why don't we play a different game?

How about hide and seek?

Do I get to be it?

Sure. You count to ten and I'll go hide.

One, two, three, four, five, six. Hold on. Give me a chance.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

Ready or not, here I come.

Let's go get the other two.

Son of a bitch, it's getting harder here.

Are you still hungry?

Not really. Good.

I think I hear a cheetah calling.

It's a white rhino. Where?

I'm going to kill him as soon as I get out of here.

Two down, one to go.

Hey, where's JJ?

He must have started without us. Looks like I'll have to give him a good time

laughing.

Nothing but USDA Prime, baby.

Oh, boy.

I'm going to help you sell.

Melody, are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

Would you like to hear some music?

Sure, I guess so.

Oh, me?

I'm the plumber.

Somebody called about a leaky faucet.

You don't say.

Uh, yeah.

Normally I'd ask them to bring it in, but since I was in the neighborhood...

You thought you'd make a house call?

Yeah, something like that.

Uh, did you remember to bring your snake?

Oh, um, I never go anywhere without my snake.

Oh, good.

So while you're here...

I'd like for you to check out my pipes.

Oh, I'd love to.

Well, surprise, surprise, if it isn't the president of the Hitler Youth. This

time you've gone too far.

That's where you're wrong, friend. It's you three who have gone too far.

Disobeying a direct order from a senior fraternity brother.

What would the manual say about this? You know where you can stick that

manual, dude.

Where's the rest of the goon squad?

Oh, I imagine they're making the acquaintance of the triad of pies even

as we speak.

The girls?

Son of a bitch. Don't worry. We'll make your apologies for having to leave

early. Listen, Phil. I know we broke the rules. We deserve what's coming to us.

But I have got to warn you about those girls.

Oh, what's the matter with them? They got a disease?

Worse than that, dickhead.

They're possessed.

We're serious. There was a seance with this crystal ball, and they started

acting strange.

The only thing strange is why three gorgeous dolls would waste their time on

losers like you. But never fear. We'll take care of that.

Stay away from them.

They're evil.

You're so big and strong.

Have you ever done any acting?

Me?

No, what do you mean?

Because I want to give you a bit of heart.

Oh, that sounds great.

A bit what?

Holy shit! Not that!

I don't care whether you believe us or not.

I'm just telling you to stay away from those girls.

You're not in a position to tell me anything.

You're out, dude.

Yeah, well, as much as I'd love to stand around and listen to ghost stories all

night, I'm afraid I must leave you gentlemen. You see, I'm not too keen on

sloppy seconds.

Why, you liar!

I'll be back to settle it with you later.

Mine didn't.

Don't tell me you're the maid.

Don't tell me you're another plumber.

He's cute.

If I knew the 80 pies were this friendly, I'd have stopped by sooner.

We'll save some for Marcy.

Who's Marcy?

I am.

My goodness.

Don't you look young and innocent.

Wait,

maybe next time you can knock really something heavy onto my head. Quit

complaining and try and help us out. Yeah, we're all in this together. Don't

remind me.

Try and shift around behind me and undo these ropes. If Houdini here would get

his foot out of my ass, maybe I could.

Hey, watch what you're grabbing. How can I?

Help me. I think I've got it.

I don't think you've got it.

This is my room.

Who's your decorator?

Marcy did it all by herself.

She likes to collect things.

Sounds like fun.

Have a seat. I'm going to slip into something comfortable.

You girls like to play with things too?

Yeah.

What have you got for us to play with?

Something firm, hard, throbbing.

I think I can manage something like that.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

It's party time.

Hey, what's going on?

Well, you asked us if we liked to play with things.

Yeah, but those are some serious looking toys.

You're not playing in any rough stuff, are you?

What's the matter, big boy?

Can't you take it?

Hey, I can take anything.

As long as it doesn't hurt too much.

Baby, you always hurt the ones you love.

Why didn't you tell us you had a Swiss Army knife in your jockey shorts? I'm

sorry, dude. I forgot.

Forget about it. Let's go!

Hey, that sounds like Phil's voice.

Sounds like it's coming from down here.

I like it.

What have we got in here?

Something I know you'll all enjoy.

I'll bet.

Don't fight over it. There's plenty to go around.

We were hoping you'd...

They should have listened to us. They sure made an ash out of him. We have got

to do something about this.

Yeah, but what? Can you imagine telling this to the cops?

I know.

And we can't do anything to hurt the girls either. Remember, it's not their

fault. It's whatever's inside them. Well, maybe we should get their stomachs

pumped. That won't work.

We need an exorcist or something.

That's it.

That's what'll do it. Just where are we going to find one?

In the Yellow Pages?

Don't be a moron.

I think what we need to do is contact a church or a synagogue.

Don't you think it's kind of late to be going around waking up creep?

This is an emergency, isn't it?

Here it is.

Exorcist. What? Let me see.

Lanchester Perrin.

Exorcist. Specializing in demons, hobgoblins, and poltergeists.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

24-hour service.

All major credit cards accepted.

Only in California.

Someone's coming! Grab the phone.

Quick, dial the phone before someone else comes.

Good, it's ringing.

Hello?

Yes, I'm in need of an exorcism.

No, no, not me personally.

Demon possession, I think.

Urgent, yeah, I'd say it was urgent.

No, tomorrow afternoon is too late. Can't you come tonight?

Time and a half after midnight?

All right, look, never mind the cost. Just get over to 943 Sorority Row.

And meet us in the garage, okay?

Thanks.

He's on his way.

Great. Let's get out of here.

Yes? You called for an exorcist? Yeah.

Lanchester Parrot.

Thank goodness you're here. My name's Kevin. This is Freddy and this is

Dwayne. Nice to meet you.

Where's the spook?

In the house. There are three of them.

No one told me anything about three.

That's going to cost extra.

Okay, fine.

Wait a minute. How do we know this guy's for real?

You doubt my credibility?

I'll have you know I'm a leading authority of the supernatural in North

America. Second only to Von Helsing and the entire world.

Calm down, dude.

Don't piss this guy off. He's our only hope. He looks like a wacko to me.

What do you expect from an exorcist who takes American Express?

Besides, what choice have we got?

Heart pills?

No, breath mints. I had shawarma for dinner.

Let's get started.

Look, now before we begin, I must know some of the details.

The age and sex of the possessed.

About 19 or 20. All females.

And when was it that they displayed the first signs of abnormality?

Earlier this evening, we were playing a game using a crystal ball.

That's nothing to be playing with.

I remember a 12-year-old back east.

Couldn't keep her hands off the Ouija board. The next thing you know, she was

talking like a sailor, spitting up pea soup, and jacking off with religious

artifacts. That sounds familiar. Were you involved with that? Was I involved?

I performed the exorcism myself.

But did I get any credit for it?

Did I get any royalties? No.

I didn't even get invited to the preview, ungrateful bastards.

Father, let's get back to business.

I'm not your father, you little shit.

I'm not even a priest.

Let's calm down and take it easy, dude.

No, where were we? Oh, yes.

And in what ways have these spirits manifested themselves?

Well, they seem to be pretty horny.

Increased sexual appetite.

I'll say.

They're like animals.

That may be a number of things.

What else have they done?

Well, they disintegrated our friend.

Actually, that's not true.

They didn't disintegrate him.

No, he wasn't our friend.

In fact, he was kind of an asshole.

He sure was.

Well, how did this happen?

They bit him.

They bit his dork and he crumbled to dust.

Oh, my God.

I know, it's pretty disgusting.

Well, no, that's not what I mean.

This is no ordinary demon you have here.

This is a succubus. A succu-what?

A succubus. It is an evil spirit who seeks to satisfy its incredible lust

with mortal men, destroying them in the process.

That sounds like it, all right. You mean there are three of them?

There's probably only one.

But it can possess a body of many at the same time. How do we get rid of it?

First, I must exercise it from the girls' bodies.

Otherwise, if any harm comes to the succubus, it would affect them as well.

And once it's out of them?

Then we must fight it in its true form.

But that's easier said than done.

Now, the succubus, like its male counterpart, the incubus, is of the

lowest order of demons.

It's thick-skinned and stupid, but they've been known to put up quite a

battle. What should we do?

I will need all of you on hand to assist me. I'm not going into this alone. This

is an ornery mother.

I will need a variety of herbs.

Mickey's got a spice rack in the kitchen. I'll go get it.

We should also have something to confine the spirits with.

They won't sit still for an exorcism. I think I saw some rope back here.

What do you want me to do?

but you may have the most important job of all. Now, someone has to distract the

demon while we secure it.

You mean be a decoy?

No way, not me. You could just love another boy.

Good, no one home.

Get out of this alive.

Yoo-hoo!

Anyone home?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Where are you, my little succubuses?

Succubi.

Step into my parlor, said the spider to the

fly.

Looks like the prodigal pledge has returned.

And just in time for dessert.

Look, girls, can we talk this over?

The first rule of exorcism is never fraternize with demons.

No matter what they say, always ignore them.

Give it to me.

Give me your throbbing python of love.

Yes, baby, let me do it for you.

Isn't it hard?

I mean, isn't it hard to ignore them? It takes years of practice and almost

superhuman discipline to resist their wiles.

Of course, If you have an old war wound like mine, it can be pretty easy.

Be gone! Hear me, demon from hell!

I exorcise the bodies of these innocent ones.

Blow it out of your ass!

Linger no longer in these mortal shells.

I cast you out in your name.

I don't bother wearing army boots.

I don't think they're taking this in the proper spirit. I wonder if it's going to

work. Get out of here, you old bat!

It's the first of the month and I'm kicking you out. Hit the bricks!

Be gone!

Never talk towels again.

Why don't you sit on that thing?

Scram!

Or are you too ashamed to show your ugly face?

Well, that wasn't as hard as I thought.

Oh, dudes, what's happening?

It's not over yet.

I thought you destroyed it.

I told you.

Getting rid of a succubus isn't that easy.

Now that it doesn't inhabit human host anymore, it's going to try to destroy

every soul it comes in contact with before moving on. Whose souls are you

talking about?

Ours. You never mentioned that part.

It's too late now.

Look.

Who dares to challenge me?

I dare to challenge you. I and all the forces of good.

the forces of good. Let's get out of here.

Oh, Christ, it's locked.

No one will leave here. You will all die.

So long as I live and breathe, you won't harm another living soul.

Hideous hag from hell.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Well, this ought to hurt you, you douchebag.

Give me the herbs.

It didn't work.

The potion didn't work.

You think your backyard hulu is any better for me?

Get in line, boys. You're going on a one-way trip to Luciferland.

Captain, the crystal is the source of her power.

Destroy it and she'll be trapped forever in limbo.

Who asked you, sister?

Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to be a tattletale?

That's it.

We forgot to smash that crystal.

You in what army? Just who do you think you're screwing around with?

I don't know who you are, but you look like one gnarly old bitch to me.

Kevin.

You'll regret that remark, short stuff.

Says you.

Yeah, why don't you take your faith in Marie Trag?

Now you're really pissing me off. I'll fry your lungs for tempura. Who's first?

Kevin, remember the winning homecoming play?

I sure do.

29, 45, 17.

Go, dude!

My hero!

Did you feel any different?

No, not at all.

I just can't remember anything that happened.

Me either.

I got this funny taste in my mouth.

Me too.

Well, don't worry about that. It's all over now.

And at least a couple of good things came out of it.

Really? Like what?

We'll tell you later.

Hey, wait. Don't go.

I have to. I'll send you my bill.

Why don't you stick around?

Yeah, there might be some pie left.

No, I really have to go. I have an appointment at dawn tomorrow.

A vampire's staking in the valley.

You don't want to be late for that.

Or too early, either.

Ciao. Bye.

What do we do now?

Well, I don't know if I mentioned it before, but does anybody like to play

Twister? TWISTED!

Well, science gone awry.

The genes were flat behind the microscopic eye.

With bloodstained hands, the surgeon's underneath the gun.

A stitch in time, Jill died. Two heads are better than none.

Incredible, incredible, incredible, incredible, incredible, incredible. Two

-headed world class. Incredible, incredible, incredible, incredible,

incredible.

in his house.

She goes to see a friend and hears that he's been...

I got a brain in a jar.

Keep it under my bed.

He gives me lots of...