Original subtitles

Hey, honey.

My jaw is kind of hurting tonight.

Can I just give you a hand job or something?

Well, I suppose that works, too.

Big

hard

cock.

Nice and wet.

I feel good. Do you want me to stroke your top?

Yeah. Yeah, you like that?

You can come on the trees if you want to.

Sure. Yeah.

I wanted to cut a lot of my teeth.

just like that.

Oh yeah, I'm getting close.

I couldn't look good.

. .

Pete? Yes, sweetie?

How come you close your eyes every time we're, you know, being intimate?

How come I do what?

Well, every time we make love, you close your eyes.

And sometimes I just feel like you wish I was someone else.

No, sweetie, it's... It's...

It's kind of like when I have a piece of pie.

I close my eyes to savor the flavor and enjoy the taste.

Not to fantasize it was a piece of cake.

Well, you know I took drama in high school, right?

I could pretend I'm someone else if you want.

Look, sweetie, I just, I want you to be you, okay?

But I could be someone else.

I could.

Wickham's luck.

Just be you.

But I really gotta go.

Okay. I love you.

Love you more.

You have a great day.

Bye.

Right.

Oh.

Yeah.

Too bad she's a temp, because I could really get used to that backside.

Well, if you love her that much, why don't you go marry her?

Right, and end up some pathetic middle-aged sex worker plus sad sack

living out in the country with a wife that makes me take a shower before she

gets a job.

Sorry.

Don't be.

I mean, you're right.

Something's got to give him telling you.

Tell me what?

I love Alice.

She's great. She takes incredible care of me.

Lately, I just want to put mustard on your hot dog instead of relish.

Go ahead. It's only natural.

Look, I'm not exactly saying that.

No, but the fact is you don't have a picture of your wife on your desk tells

me exactly what you're saying.

What is that, a swordfish?

No, it's a sea bass.

I caught it on our honeymoon. See, that's her hand right there holding it.

Where's the rest of her?

She's not behind your closed eyes when you're thinking about having sex with

another woman.

Look, I love my wife, all right? I mean, she's great. She takes incredible care

of me. She feeds me. She keeps a beautiful home. She... Has become your

mother.

What would Sigmund F. Freud say about that right now?

The fact that you can't make your wife the Madonna because you can't have her

be the whore that you want her to be.

What would the kids think?

Exactly.

What do we do?

You? You're already thinking too much.

Here's what you do.

There's a place downtown.

These new age chicks, they put on a girl girl show and have massages.

You go down there, you throw down some bone.

And you go home loving your wife ten times more.

Isn't sex grand?

Hookers? No, man, not exactly my style.

You? You have no style.

Look, just go down and do this.

Because every once in a while, a man has to swim out in the ocean to find out

just how many fish are out there and to appreciate what a good catch he actually

has.

Meaning?

Meaning you're sexually repressed. And it's only a matter of time before you

snap and take it out on Alice.

Use your head.

Flip over.

Why do you want me to flip over?

I'm going to make you cum.

Oh, geez.

Don't be nervous.

I'm kind of nervous. I've never cheated on my wife before.

It's not cheating.

Cheating is something you do on tests.

Is your marriage a test?

Yeah, every day.

Well.

Sometimes we've got to cheat if we want to get an A.

It's the American way.

Oh, jeez.

With liberty and justice for all.

Oh, jeez.

That's eating.

Nothing to be nervous about.

Now you like that?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

um um um

You like the way they feel?

Do you want to smell these candies?

Yeah.

Are you Lulu?

Yes.

I'm Zoe.

I called about the job.

Come on in.

Alice, you home?

Alice?

Snoodles?

Alice?

Boo!

She scared me. Are you ready for your surprise?

Surprise? Surprise!

Class is in session.

laughing. I'm sorry, honey. It's just... Forget it. You just think I'm some big

nerd, don't you?

Nerd? I thought if you had to fantasize about other women, maybe I'd try to be

somebody else.

But instead, you just make me feel like some big, dumb nerdy nerd.

Come on, honey.

You don't need to be anybody else. You're just fine the way you are.

Baloney!

I'll do you. I'll do you real good.

You know why?

Because you're not my wife, and I like that. I like cheating on her.

You like cheating on your wife, don't you? Oh, yeah.

That's great.

Let's keep going.

doesn't have breasts like that, does she?

a raging heart on right now. Who cares?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't you stand up so we can get these down?

Look at that big cock in there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God,

yeah.

Yeah, are you going to come for me? Yes, I am. Are you going to come? Yeah, I

want you to come.

Are you ready?

Yeah. Are you ready? Here it comes, baby.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

Any ideas?

Hello? Hi, I'm here to... Well, you see, my friend, he gave me this address,

and... Well, I'd really like to...

on me.

Yes, now we're even.

Even for what?

For the way I scared you last night when you came home and found me in my little

skirt and my little socks and my little wet and waiting for you to

fuck me.

So how was your day?

You don't have a sister, do you?

What?

Never mind.

Excuse me for a minute.

What the hell am I doing here?

No, no, no.

Don't get up.

Just lay there and I'll do everything.

Then I want you to do me a favor.

Okay.

You have to promise not to open your eyes, okay?

Okay. Whatever happens, don't open your eyes, or I'll stop.

Okay. Promise?

I promise.

Alright.

Flip.

Oh shit.

What? Oh my god, you... You look just like...

I gotta get out of here.

I'm really, really sorry. I'm going to get the hell out of here.

Honey.

Jesus.

Are you okay, honey bunny? You look stressed.

How about I give you a massage?

No. No massage. I'm all right, really.

Okay.

Well, how about some dinner then? I made your favorite fajitas.

No, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm not all that hungry tonight.

Did you cheat on me?

What?

Did you eat dinner before you came home and cheat away your appetite for

fajitas?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I grabbed a hot dog with Doug on the way home.

Well, you're just going to have to push Robo and Mr. Hot Dog aside and make room

for your wife.

Tasty dinner.

Okay.

And if you eat all your vegetables, I'll spank you off under the table with my

hand.

What? You heard me.

So.

Why did you ask me if I had a sister earlier?

What? When you came in, you asked me if I had a sister.

How come?

Oh,

um, nothing really.

I just thought I saw somebody today who looks like she could have been.

Just like identical to you, except she had red hair.

With her head on fire?

What?

Nothing, just a joke.

Did you make sweet love to her?

No, of course not.

Did you want to?

I mean, it's okay if you did, because you looked like me, so it would have

been like you were cheating on me with me.

No, I didn't make sweet love.

Well, I guess you're just going to have to make sweet love to me then.

Wouldn't want you to get all blue down there.

Stop. What are you doing?

Babe, I have to tell you something.

I... Babe, what's wrong?

What?

So, the wife was cheating on you, eh?

No, not exactly. She... She gave some guy a... Not exactly. She

gave some guy a... A dog?

Oh, a handjob, all right? A handjob.

Don't make me say it again, all right?

But, I mean, does a handjob really count as cheating?

Of course it's cheating when you're the ex-president.

Look, what did you say when she told you the truth about him?

No, I mean, how could I?

After all, I pretty much did the same thing.

You gave a guy a handjob.

No, dick, I got a handjob. I went to that place you told me about.

Oh.

You dirty, dirty, dirty girl.

Well, that's it, then.

You did it.

Wifey did it. Even Steven.

Yeah, but you know what's really bugging the shit out of me about this whole

thing? The girl that I saw there, she looked just like Alice.

Looked like what, what?

The girl that I saw there looked exactly like Alice.

Who's that?

My wife. Who are we talking about?

I mean, the only difference is she had this long red hair.

Perhaps your wife is living a double life.

No way. Not my wife. I know my wife.

The woman makes me take a shower before we have sex, okay? There's no way in

hell she'd handle the germs in a place like that.

Do you know what a doppelganger is?

Double who what?

A doppelganger.

It's a theory that everybody has an identical twin in the world and they're

pretty much living the same lives that we are.

I think someone has biked your hot dog.

That's a kid's dog.

That's a crazy dog.

I don't know. It's just been running through my mind that maybe this woman is

Alice's doppelganger and it's destiny giving me a wake-up call that even if I

do go out and cheat, it's...

My fate to have sex with the same type of woman over and over and over again.

I think you've been underneath the fluorescent lights too long.

Well, there's one way to find out.

To the mystery machine.

Are you talking about your hatchback?

Yeah.

Well, hi there, Doug.

Hello there, my dear.

How the heck are you?

Good. So, uh, what brings you boys to my neck of the woods?

Well, we heard tell that you had a hot redhead in here.

Yeah.

What's her name?

Zoe.

Yeah, she's doing her first show with Missy tonight.

But, uh, you boys are gonna have to pay if you want to watch her.

Well, I guess we'll just come back later then. Come on.

Heaven's forfend, my young friend.

There's a mystery afoot.

How much?

Well, it's fifty to watch.

But, uh, four hundred?

I might just jerk you off.

Well, I'm really not in the mood to be jerked off. Let's go, Doug.

Unhand me, flaccid sire.

Lola? Yes, sir?

Consider my advance.

What are your friends for a hot dog?

Do you know that?

Yeah, tell me about it.

Are you sure you don't want me to rub you one off?

No, that's fine. I'm good, really.

All right. Suit yourself.

I don't know.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

He's reckoned.

Aren't you going to ask me why?

Why?

Because I wanted to make sure I hadn't become invisible.

You really didn't know it was me?

I mean, come on. The frickin' ten dollar wig.

Not the latest in CGI.

So am I still your snoodles?

Am I still your honey bun?

Forever.

Aww. Aww.

So, um, now that we've made up, wanna fuck?

I'd be honored.

I'm going to jump in the shower real quick. Don't you dare.

I'll want you dirty from now on.

Oh, fuck yes, we did it.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh,

fuck.

Thank you.

Oh.

I have a speech right here in front of me.

What are we going to do about dinner?

I think we broke all the dishes.

Do you want to go grab a hot dog?

I'd be honored to get a hot dog with you.

Honor's mine.

Let's go.

Hot dogs.

Hot dogs.

And say it again. Hot dogs.

And say it like a question. Hot dogs.

Hot dogs?

And now be typing away at the keyboard.

Back, back, back.

Look at the camera.

Hot dogs.

And do another one like that and like.

Question? And like a question. Okay.

Make a little.

Ding.

Hot dog?

And now I'll be working on that writing.

With my invisible pen?

Yep, with an invisible pen.

And then look right up and go, hot dogs?

Like scared.

Hot dogs?

And then one last. This is like the Dr. Evil thing.

Yeah. Ready? Okay. A scared one?

No, no, just cute.

And I'll tell you what.

Hot dog?

Another one?

Hot dogs?