Original subtitles

This here is a story about a girl named Audrey.

Well, not a girl, really.

A woman.

But you know what I mean.

Now, Audrey was one of these self-sufficient type of gals.

She owned her own garage, fixing up cars and whatnot.

And she was pretty damn good at it, too.

She was a hard worker, and she liked what she did.

She made a pretty good living.

But you know, there was something missing out of Audrey's life.

Now, Audrey was a pretty gal, but she didn't flaunt it.

In fact, she kept it to herself.

And if you ask me, that was her problem.

The thing missing in Audrey's life was love.

Or, for lack of a better word, a man.

Well, there was one man.

He was a boy, really.

Kid's name was Chip.

Audrey thought he was the best thing.

Thought he was the best thing that she'd ever seen.

Thing is, Chip didn't even know she was alive.

Now, I know you're probably wondering what all this has got to do with new

wave hookers.

Well, keep your pints on, partner, because we'll get to that part soon

enough.

On the Chevy, do I need a choke pull-off or a choke thermostat?

Thermostat.

It's a 1969.

I'm a 958.

99. You've got to put that 99 in there.

Hey, Audrey.

Hi. Where's Margie? I've got her gaskets.

She's in the back.

Thanks.

Where's Margie? I've got her brake pads.

Where's Margie? Margie, I've got her oil filter.

Where's sweet little Margie?

Where's Margie?

Where's Margie? Sweet little Margie. Where's Margie? Where's Margie? Margie?

Margie. Margie.

And so it went.

Chip came into the shop every single day.

And Audrey, well, she just waited for Chip to notice her.

Hey, Audrey.

Hi, Chip.

Guess what?

What?

It's my birthday.

Cool.

Do you know where Margie is?

I got her hose here, and I want to give it to her.

She's in the back. She's in the back?

Thanks.

Yep.

Margie's in the back.

She's in the back? Yeah.

You just said that. I know.

What? You're pathetic.

That obvious?

You make a puddle on the floor every time the boy walks into the room, so...

Yeah, it's obvious you want him.

I do not.

So then why did you come to work today dressed like a freaking Barbie doll?

Okay. So I think he's cute.

Why don't you just tell him?

I can't.

It's easy.

Just say, Chip, I think you're cute.

Chip, I think you're cute. See how easy that was? Now go tell him.

You know, you're right.

I can do that. I'm going to go in there right now, and I'm going to tell him.

Good. Off you go.

You know, I'm going to walk right in there, and I'm just going to quit

doling.

Okay. All right. Go. I'm going. Go.

Chip, I think you're cute.

I really think you're cute. You know, you're pretty cute, Chip.

Did you need me for something?

Yeah.

I have an order for you up front when you're done.

So did you tell him?

No.

Why not?

Um, it didn't really seem like the right time.

so wet.

Absolutely.

Later.

Good night.

I am so out of here. I have got a date.

With Chip.

Margie.

Margie. Margie. Margie. Margie. Margie. Margie. Margie.

Maybe it was just that time of the month.

Or maybe her hormones had gone all screwy on her.

Or maybe she had just had enough of being lonely.

Whatever the reason,

Otter decided that life, or at least her life, just wasn't worth a damn anymore.

Now, I've been to one World Fair, a picnic and a rodeo.

But what happened to Aldrin X, well, it's just about as stupefying as

anything I've ever seen.

I could try to explain it to you, but, well, I think it's just something

you've got to see for yourself.

Because, technically, you don't exist.

June. I'm not June.

They just made me look like June to make you more comfortable.

They.

And who are they?

The mechanical elves who rule the universe.

Mechanical elves.

It's hard to explain.

So, I'm dead?

Maybe.

No.

Then I'm in hell.

Heaven?

Possibly. It's hard to explain.

That's very helpful.

Christ.

You look like a fucking whorehouse.

I do.

And you look like a fucking whore.

I am. And I look like a whore.

You are.

And you look good, by the way.

Okay.

I'm a little confused here.

I may... or may not be dead this could be heaven or hell i'm a whore my best

friend's a whore we're in a whorehouse i'm invisible and mechanical elves run

the universe like i said audrey it's hard to explain where the hell am i

don't concern yourself with where you are it doesn't matter it's what you're

here to do that counts and what is it that i'm here to do be a whore to save

your life

I don't understand.

It's hard. I know. It's hard to explain.

Exactly. Now, we're wasting time. You're already late for your first client.

Whoa. Oh, wait a minute. I don't think that I'm ready to... Uh, yes,

nurse. Broken colostomy bag in room six.

Thank you.

Oh, hi.

You must be Audrey.

I'm Dr.

Stinky Pinky.

I'll be examining you today.

But first, your x-rays.

Looking good.

You do have a brain.

Thanks.

Medulla oblongata seems a little bit... You're fine.

Yes.

Now, if you'll lie back, we'll begin the examination.

Relax. Don't worry.

Any swelling in the gland lately?

No.

Any pain?

No.

Good. I think we should take your temperature now, shall we?

Hello.

Just a moment.

Normal.

Yeah. Shall we continue?

Now, let's test your reflexes, shall we?

Yeah.

Reflexes. Excellent.

So close.

Thank you.

Ready? Ready?

Thank you.

um um

oh oh

Oh. Oh.

So we can be friends to the end.

hmm

But we can be friends to the end.

That went well.

Would you mind telling me what that was all about?

You just passed your first test. Congratulations.

I never told anybody about that fantasy.

The elves, they know everything.

Right.

So, this is all about my fulfilling my fantasy.

No, it's about fear and overcoming it.

By my being a whore?

Some of your tests will include that.

Others will include the retrieval and exhibition of past events so that you

can see the mistakes you made and overcome the fear that led you to make

them.

Still others will simply involve observation and instruction, like this

one.

You know, I'm really not into this whole kind of a thing deal.

We'll see about that.

Just watch and learn.

oh oh

I love you

I don't know.

Thank you.

I do like it.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Let me hear you.

For someone who's not into that sort of thing, you sure did seem to enjoy

yourself.

I just can't believe that the afterlife is like a porno movie.

First of all, this isn't the afterlife.

Then what is it?

It's hard to explain.

Yeah, right. I should have known.

I can tell you it's not like this for everyone.

It isn't?

No.

It depends on what a person's life was like and why they chose to end it.

For example, fat people go to a big sweaty gym, lazy people get a tedious

job in a cubicle, and there are some people who go to a petting zoo.

A petting zoo.

Yeah, but we don't like to talk about them.

But for me, it's a whorehouse. That's fantastic.

The mechanical elves felt that this would be the best environment for you,

given the sexual frustration.

that led you to take such drastic measures.

It's not about sex.

It's about love.

We'll see about that.

Time for your next appointment.

A very high-class affair.

Oh, only the funny champagne for such a refined woman as yourself.

Well, thank you, kind sir.

Refreshing.

Now we are ready.

Ready for what?

What a sense of humor she has. A true wit.

It was sure to make an experience of simultaneously penetrating a hungry

hole. All the more exhilarating.

I'm so glad we came all the way from Kuwait to meet the queen of double

penetration.

And now I get it. I must taste the sweet nectar of her legendary snatch.

And I will lick her petite bungus.

But first, the dance of the sweaty camel.

And now, we must invade her hungry home!

um um

um um

Yeah.

Oh.

Bye.

oh oh

No.

These elves know everything, don't they?

They know your secret desires, but they can't predict the outcome of what will

happen when you're forced to face them.

So that's what this is all about?

Now you're getting it.

Roll the film, please.

Home movies?

Something like that.

Oh, my God! I know these people. These are my friends. I went...

Went to try to go with them.

Fucking Audrey.

Bitch is so full of herself.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Dave, you put that gasket on the wrong way. You think I can help you?

No, no, fuck, check it out. The worst is when she's kissing up to Mr. Bosco. It's

like, I rebuilt the carburetor when I was seven, Mr.

Bosco. I mean, what a fucking loser, guys.

Where the hell does that guy get off anyway? I just... She obviously doesn't.

All she thinks about is manifolds and mufflers.

She's probably never even seen a cock, let alone such one.

Unlike you, eh, Dee Dee?

Because you just have to fucking run.

I promise it does.

Suck it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck, Dee Dee. Oh, you fucking little slut.

Bad girl. Thank you.

Let somebody go get me an alternator.

I thought they were my friends.

You really are pathetic.

June!

You expect me to feel sorry for you just because you didn't have

the guts to... Stand up and take what you really want to.

Because your so-called friends made fun of you behind your back.

And fucked that stupid little slut.

And that's what really hurts, isn't it?

Not the fact that they called you a loser.

But the fact that it was her they wanted. Her they used.

Not you.

Well, I have news for you, sweetheart.

It's all your fault. Not mine.

Not anybody else's.

Yours.

It's what you really want, isn't it?

To be used.

To be controlled.

To be a plaything.

Then maybe they'd like you.

Then maybe you'd be somebody.

Well, you're going to get your wish.

Does that excite you?

Yes. Yes, mistress.

That's better.

So pretty.

So eager to please.

Do you want to prove yourself?

You want to play with my little plays, don't you?

You need to prove yourself worthy.

I'm gonna hear you beg.

Yes, Mistress.

He's beautiful, isn't he?

Yes, Mistress.

Kneel before her, please.

Don't touch him.

Does it excite you?

Yes, Mistress.

Do you want him to play with you?

Yes, Mistress.

You hated watching your friend fuck that girl, didn't you?

Yes, Mistress.

You need to learn to love to watch.

Oh, how I hate to have to do all the work, though.

Why don't you get him hard for me first?

Wow. Oh,

my God.

All the way down.

Time for you to get back into your little seat.

universe, right?

That's correct.

You've been through quite an ordeal.

Not everyone makes it this far. You should be proud.

Do you understand what happens to you here?

Kind of.

When someone takes their own life, they get a chance to find out why they really

did it. They get a chance to face their fears.

And if they succeed, they get a second chance at the life they gave up.

Have I succeeded?

well, but there is one last test you need to take. The most important test.

The test that will determine your fate.

Should you pass, you will return to your life as it was.

And yet with the wisdom you have gained here.

And if I fail?

Let's not think about it, shall we?

Before you go, do you have...

Yes. I'm still a little confused.

But I think I understand what you've been trying to teach me.

I've made mistakes.

I've been afraid.

I know I've been wrong.

But I am so grateful for a second chance.

Yes, yes.

Did you need me for something?

Uh... Never mind.

On second thought... Chip, you and I need to talk.

Margie June could use some help up front.

But I'm on my break. Then take your break up front.

Now. Right.

Whatever you say.

Bye.

So, you need to talk to me about something?

Yeah.

My boy. Don't touch me.

Kiss my ass.

Say happy birthday to me.

You're so pretty.

Say it like you mean it. You're so pretty.

You're beautiful.

You love me.

I love you.

Tell me it's my birthday. Tell me happy birthday.

Three.

Touch it when I tell you you can touch it.

You've made me wait in your way.

Look at this.

You look good. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm

-hmm.

Look at me, I'm really getting a pussy.

You think you can make me come, huh?

You better make me come.

I'm wasting my time.

with your tongue, fuck it, shut up.

Talk to me when you're dirty. Clean me up.

Fuck other boys.

Don't tell me what to do.

Tell me. You're the best cocksucker I've ever had. Oh, you are.

You are.

If you don't like it.

You're driving me fucking crazy, honey.

Give me just the tip.

Oh, fuck.

Just a little bit.

You okay?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, don't stop.

Don't stop.

Fuck you when I want and how I want. Okay. Do you understand?

Yeah. Because I can stop and walk away right now. No, don't.

It doesn't. It doesn't.

Thank you.

Come on. I'm serious.

I'm going to fuck you up. Come on. Good doggy. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, okay.

Aren't you going to stop and say goodbye?

Yeah, um, Audrey, I was wondering, maybe, um, we can, like...

You're not wearing any pants.

Oh.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Hey, Chip. Come back here. I want my ring back.

Jeez. What got into you?

It's hard to explain.

Well, I don't know about you, but I take comfort in that.

Knowing them mechanical elves are out there giving us all a second chance.