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1
00:00:35,780 --> 00:00:39,660
- Did you see that rainbow this morning?
- It was huge.
2
00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:41,320
I hate those things!
3
00:00:41,530 --> 00:00:45,330
- Nobody hates rainbows.
- What's there to hate about them?
4
00:00:45,540 --> 00:00:50,670
Well, you'll be minding your business
and they'll come marching in...
5
00:00:50,870 --> 00:00:54,880
...and crawl up your leg
and bite the inside of your ass.
6
00:00:55,040 --> 00:01:01,090
And you'll be all like, "Hey, get out
of my ass, you stupid rainbows!"
7
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:07,140
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Rainbows. I hate those things.
8
00:01:07,310 --> 00:01:11,600
Rainbows are those arches of color
that show up when it rains.
9
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:16,110
Oh, rainbows! Oh, yeah, I like those.
Those are cool.
10
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:19,530
- What were you talking about?
- Nothing, forget it.
11
00:01:19,690 --> 00:01:23,030
What crawls up your leg
and bites the inside of your ass?
12
00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:24,200
Nothing!
13
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,740
Children, remember the Save Our
Fragile Planet essay contest...
14
00:01:28,910 --> 00:01:32,160
...that you worked
so hard on last month?
15
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:37,960
One of our very own South Park
students has won the national prize.
16
00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:40,210
Wow, I knew I would win.
17
00:01:40,380 --> 00:01:43,920
- Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
- Right, Mr. Hat.
18
00:01:44,090 --> 00:01:48,340
The winner of the national Save Our
Fragile Planet contest is:
19
00:01:48,510 --> 00:01:49,800
Eric Cartman.
20
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,220
- What?!
- What?!
21
00:01:51,390 --> 00:01:54,640
Congratulations on writing
the winning paper.
22
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:56,060
Kick ass!
23
00:01:56,230 --> 00:01:59,940
Cartman doesn't know
a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.
24
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:02,230
Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.
25
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:06,740
Out of over a million papers,
Eric's was chosen as the winner.
26
00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:11,070
- Wow! What did you write about?
- You know, this and that.
27
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,700
- He doesn't know what he wrote.
- What was your paper about?
28
00:02:14,870 --> 00:02:18,540
It was on the suffering
of bottle-nosed dolphins.
29
00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:23,040
You shouldn't have written
about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.
30
00:02:23,210 --> 00:02:27,250
Dude, dolphins are the second
smartest animal on the planet.
31
00:02:27,420 --> 00:02:32,630
Right. If they're so damn smart, how
come they get caught in fishing nets?
32
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,680
- What?
- Wait, there's more.
33
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:40,560
It says here that Eric's trophy
will be presented to him by...
34
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,730
...Kathie Lee Gifford?
35
00:02:42,890 --> 00:02:44,850
Kathie Lee is coming here?
36
00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:47,900
The presentation
will be on television.
37
00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:49,360
Television?
38
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:53,490
Kathie Lee Gifford.
I don't believe it.
39
00:02:53,650 --> 00:02:57,070
Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park!
40
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,330
Oh, my God! This is our chance
to make a name for ourselves...
41
00:03:01,490 --> 00:03:04,450
...to show we're not some pissant
mountain town.
42
00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:07,290
It's a chance for you
to get publicity.
43
00:03:07,460 --> 00:03:13,050
If I can show how much I turned South
Park around, I could become a senator!
44
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:17,340
- Maybe even a state senator!
- Let's decorate the town square.
45
00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:22,890
We should have the chef of the school
sing and show our ethnic diversity.
46
00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:25,890
That's right!
He's a black guy, isn't he?
47
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:27,770
Black as the night.
48
00:03:27,930 --> 00:03:32,310
Yes! And we can have the children
of South Park put on a play.
49
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,320
Kathie Lee loves children.
50
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,610
If they're working
in a sweatshop, that is.
51
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,400
Thank you.
52
00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:41,110
You guys, guess what?
53
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,990
After I'm on television,
I'm gonna be totally famous.
54
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,910
Hitler was famous too.
55
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,950
- Hello, children.
- Hey, Chef.
56
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,500
- How are my little crackers?
- Good.
57
00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:55,590
Did you hear? Kathie Lee Gifford
is coming to South Park!
58
00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:59,130
Because Cartman cheated
and won the essay contest.
59
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:04,970
Yeah, whatever. But the mayor called
and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
60
00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:07,550
- Are you gonna do it?
- Of course.
61
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,100
Kathie Lee is a beautiful,
sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
62
00:04:12,270 --> 00:04:18,060
If I sing to her, maybe I can lure her
into a night of exotic delectation.
63
00:04:18,230 --> 00:04:19,820
Yeah, that'd be cool!
64
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:25,240
Well, three times bigger
than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
65
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:30,530
I can't concentrate on grading papers
with all this excitement.
66
00:04:30,780 --> 00:04:33,120
Why are you looking at me like that?
67
00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:37,830
Have you forgotten the pain
and suffering Kathie Lee caused you?
68
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:42,500
Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago,
and I was only a child.
69
00:04:42,710 --> 00:04:45,010
We could've won that talent show.
70
00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:48,630
- Knock, knock, Mr. Hat.
- Who's there?
71
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,590
- Orange.
- Orange who?
72
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,600
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
73
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,390
Thank you.
74
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:01,850
Wow, Mr. Hat.
Looks like we might win.
75
00:05:02,020 --> 00:05:05,020
And now, our last
talent-show finalist...
76
00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:07,360
...Kathie Lee Epstein.
77
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:42,930
It wasn't fair. She had choreography.
How could we compete with that?
78
00:05:43,140 --> 00:05:47,520
But she's coming to South Park,
and I know how to make it better.
79
00:05:47,690 --> 00:05:49,060
How?
80
00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,820
No, Mr. Hat! I couldn't...
81
00:05:52,980 --> 00:05:56,740
...kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
82
00:05:58,990 --> 00:06:02,490
Children, as you all know,
Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford...
83
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:06,710
...will be here to present the award
to some kid for an essay.
84
00:06:06,870 --> 00:06:08,620
- That kid is me!
- Whatever.
85
00:06:08,830 --> 00:06:11,790
I'm going to have
you luscious youngsters...
86
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,340
...do a play about the history
of South Park.
87
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,800
That's wonderful, right, Mr. Hat?
88
00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:19,430
- Kill her!
- Mr. Hat!
89
00:06:19,590 --> 00:06:23,010
Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you
to direct our play.
90
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:24,300
That's perfect.
91
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:28,980
You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have
to kill her. We can upstage her.
92
00:06:29,140 --> 00:06:33,860
You might want to review the essays.
We think Cartman cheated.
93
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:40,490
Who cares? Now, kids, what's say
we give it our South Park best!
94
00:06:41,950 --> 00:06:46,160
- Who's our little prizewinner again?
- Me, Eric Cartman!
95
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,870
How about we get in shape? We want
to look our best on TV, don't we?
96
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:52,000
Yes, ma'am.
97
00:06:52,210 --> 00:06:56,130
I'm gonna be on television
I'm gonna be on television
98
00:06:57,710 --> 00:07:01,670
I'm gonna be on television
I'm gonna be on television
99
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,380
We don't believe you won
that contest fairly, fat boy.
100
00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:09,430
Stop defending your girlfriend
for writing about stupid fish.
101
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:14,430
- Dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
- Intelligent and friendly on rye bread.
102
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,940
- Dolphins are smarter than you.
- Then why do they live in igloos?
103
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:22,940
- That's not dolphins. That's Eskimos!
- Who cares?
104
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,900
- It's tree-hugging hippie crap.
- Tell me what you wrote!
105
00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:29,820
I can't. I have to go home
and get in shape!
106
00:07:29,990 --> 00:07:34,450
Yeah, right! You'll go watch TV
and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.
107
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:35,950
Screw you, hippie!
108
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,580
We'll be right back
to Jesus and Pals after this.
109
00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:44,170
Need to get in shape fast?
Wanna look your best?
110
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:48,300
Tired of not getting chicks?
Tired of being a 90-pound weakling?
111
00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:50,680
Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
112
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:54,180
Then bulk up quick
with Weight Gain 4000!
113
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:59,100
Over 4000 grams of saturated fat
per serving. Its formula is designed...
114
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:03,690
...to go to the stomach,
where it is distributed to the blood!
115
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:06,360
Now available at stores everywhere.
116
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,730
- Say it with me, "Beefcake!"
- Beefcake.
117
00:08:08,900 --> 00:08:10,320
- Beefcake!
- Beefcake!
118
00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:14,990
May cause irreversible damage
to kidneys and liver.
119
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,080
Mom, can you get me
some Weight Gain 4000?
120
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,500
Okay, Eric.
I'll get you some tomorrow.
121
00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:24,580
But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow!
122
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:27,580
But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.
123
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:29,210
Mom!
124
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:35,880
Okay, okay. Well, I guess
I'll be going to the store now, then.
125
00:08:41,510 --> 00:08:42,850
No, no!
126
00:08:44,350 --> 00:08:45,930
Kill her!
127
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,140
No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.
128
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:50,560
Kill!
129
00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:56,320
That does it. You're going
in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
130
00:08:56,990 --> 00:09:02,120
- She'll make a fool of you again.
- Stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.
131
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,450
Hey, dudes.
132
00:09:03,620 --> 00:09:08,200
What is wrong with you? Haven't you
noticed the snow on the ground?
133
00:09:08,370 --> 00:09:11,830
I have a nice body,
and I wanna show it off!
134
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:16,960
- What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds!
- I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
135
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:21,590
Yeah, they're almost
as big as his mom's!
136
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:25,890
Laugh all you want! I'll be the one
on TV looking all buff.
137
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:30,180
- What's that stuff?
- Weight Gain 4000. It's bulking me up.
138
00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:33,060
- Bulk up to what? Fat-ass?
- Super fat-ass?
139
00:09:33,230 --> 00:09:38,610
Hey, I don't have to take that kind
of crap from you scrawny weaklings!
140
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:45,820
Sweet, check me out. I'm such a
beefcake I can't get through the door.
141
00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:49,410
Come on, people. We've got
to turn this place around.
142
00:09:49,580 --> 00:09:53,750
Hang up the lights, string up
the banners, castrate the cows!
143
00:09:55,330 --> 00:09:58,790
Well, Mr. Garrison,
how is the little play going?
144
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,170
Fine. We were just about
to run it from the top.
145
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:05,510
Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.
146
00:10:05,670 --> 00:10:09,140
All the little pioneers
on this side of the stage.
147
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:12,680
All the little Indians
to the center of the stage.
148
00:10:12,850 --> 00:10:16,600
- Am I an Indian or a pioneer?
- You have a feather on your head?
149
00:10:16,770 --> 00:10:19,650
- Yes.
- Then you're an Indian.
150
00:10:19,810 --> 00:10:21,690
Bebe, this is your line.
151
00:10:21,860 --> 00:10:25,280
This is the story of South Park.
152
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,610
It begins over 1 00 years ago...
153
00:10:28,780 --> 00:10:34,910
...when the noble and hearty
Ute Indians lived on the land.
154
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,580
Oh, don't they look adorable?
155
00:10:39,750 --> 00:10:43,710
Then from the East came
the great white pioneers.
156
00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:52,180
- Oh, my God!
- They did it better this morning.
157
00:10:52,340 --> 00:10:53,760
They had more energy.
158
00:10:53,930 --> 00:10:56,720
The pioneers met with the Indians...
159
00:10:56,890 --> 00:11:00,970
...and negotiated
for their fertile lands.
160
00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:06,480
We cannot have our children beating
each other in front of Kathie Lee!
161
00:11:06,650 --> 00:11:09,610
What do you want?
This is how it happened.
162
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,990
Take that, you stupid Indian!
163
00:11:12,150 --> 00:11:15,070
Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate!
164
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,580
Do you actually think that
Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?
165
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:22,870
To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!
166
00:11:24,410 --> 00:11:26,120
What have I said?
167
00:11:26,290 --> 00:11:29,080
He said,
"To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"
168
00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:34,800
Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you
from directing our play.
169
00:11:37,050 --> 00:11:42,260
It happened again, didn't it?
Now we do things my way.
170
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:45,310
I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.
171
00:11:45,470 --> 00:11:48,520
You're gonna have to do it.
172
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,990
- Cartman, talk about wide load.
- I'm starting to fill out nicely.
173
00:11:59,150 --> 00:12:01,860
No, you're not.
You're fatter than ever!
174
00:12:02,030 --> 00:12:04,410
I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape!
175
00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:08,120
You're such a fat-ass,
when you walk around, people go:
176
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:10,410
"Goddamn, that's a big fat-ass!"
177
00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:13,080
No, they don't, you jealous weakling!
178
00:12:13,290 --> 00:12:16,630
Goddamn, that's a big fat-ass!
179
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,840
- Hi, guys.
- Oh, look, another hippie.
180
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:22,760
- Peace, Wendy.
- Shut up, Cartman!
181
00:12:22,930 --> 00:12:25,430
Two little hippies sitting in a tree
182
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:29,560
I'll find Cartman's paper
and get to the bottom of this.
183
00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:34,940
- Can I help you?
- Yes. I need a gun.
184
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:38,400
Would this be for hunting,
protection or other?
185
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,150
- Other.
- Alrighty then.
186
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,070
May I suggest a Stratford 1 2 mm?
Go ahead. Try it on!
187
00:12:44,820 --> 00:12:49,200
That looks nice on you.
The lacquered black matches your eyes.
188
00:12:49,370 --> 00:12:52,740
You talking to me?
You talking to me?
189
00:12:52,990 --> 00:12:56,960
- I don't know, it's a little small.
- Okay. How about this?
190
00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:00,380
You talking to me?
I don't like this one either.
191
00:13:00,540 --> 00:13:03,170
Here's the same gun
with a wood finish.
192
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:04,500
You talking to me?!
193
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:08,930
I don't see anybody else here,
so you must be talking to me.
194
00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:10,390
I'll take it.
195
00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:12,220
Hello?
196
00:13:28,940 --> 00:13:31,400
"My essay, by Eric Cartman.
197
00:13:31,570 --> 00:13:35,660
When I wrote the following pages,
or rather the bulk of them...
198
00:13:35,830 --> 00:13:39,200
...I lived alone in the woods
on the shore of..."
199
00:13:41,210 --> 00:13:46,500
Mr. Hat, old Kathie Lee really will be
surprised when she gets here tomorrow.
200
00:13:46,670 --> 00:13:50,050
She beat us in the talent show
all those years ago.
201
00:13:50,210 --> 00:13:52,470
I think we owe her for that.
202
00:13:54,220 --> 00:13:55,470
Oh, my God!
203
00:14:02,810 --> 00:14:06,100
- Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice gun.
- Thank you.
204
00:14:06,310 --> 00:14:09,520
- Nice gun, Mr. Garrison.
- Thanks.
205
00:14:09,690 --> 00:14:12,110
- Hello, Officer Barbrady.
- Nice gun.
206
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:18,240
Is there somewhere in town I can get a
good, clear shot...? View of Kathie Lee?
207
00:14:18,490 --> 00:14:22,120
I think the book depository
would be a good bet.
208
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,080
That might do quite nicely.
Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
209
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:30,830
No problem.
210
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:34,630
Caught you red-handed!
No pictures of Kathie Lee!
211
00:14:35,670 --> 00:14:37,630
Where is she?
212
00:14:38,510 --> 00:14:43,850
This is sweet. Camera crews are
setting up, and I look totally ripped.
213
00:14:44,010 --> 00:14:48,270
- Beefcake. Beefcake!
- They won't get all of you in frame.
214
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:51,100
- Guys, we have to stop him!
- Stop who?
215
00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:55,690
Mr. Garrison! He's going to try
to kill Kathie Lee Gifford!
216
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:59,190
No, you don't!
You won't ruin my moment of fame.
217
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:00,530
He's got a gun!
218
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:03,450
You gotta get over
this jealousy thing.
219
00:15:03,610 --> 00:15:07,490
Seriously, just face it.
I wrote a better paper than you.
220
00:15:07,660 --> 00:15:12,210
It just so happens that I have
your paper, and I know why you won.
221
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:15,120
There's something more important now.
222
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:18,500
You've got to prioritize.
What's more important:
223
00:15:18,670 --> 00:15:21,630
Being on TV
or some stupid assassination?
224
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,630
Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?
225
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,430
We're losing him.
226
00:15:27,590 --> 00:15:29,220
Here she comes!
227
00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:40,900
Damn, I'm not the only one
who's thought of killing her.
228
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:43,650
We love you, Kathie Lee!
229
00:15:43,820 --> 00:15:45,490
We love you too.
230
00:15:45,650 --> 00:15:48,780
Come on, you little bitch.
231
00:15:48,950 --> 00:15:52,200
You've gotta leave your precious
bubble sometime.
232
00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:56,450
It is with great pride and honor
that I'd like to welcome...
233
00:15:56,620 --> 00:16:00,290
...Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford
to South Park!
234
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,550
And now our very own
South Park Elementary chef...
235
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:10,590
...will sing a special song
in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford!
236
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,300
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
237
00:16:13,510 --> 00:16:17,430
You know, Kathie Lee,
you are a very special woman.
238
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,060
I don't mean special
in a Mary Tyler Moore way...
239
00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:25,150
...or special in an extra-value meal
at Happy Burger way.
240
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:30,110
No, no, no. I mean special.
Like the song of the hummingbird...
241
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,910
...as it gets ready to find
that female hummingbird...
242
00:16:34,110 --> 00:16:37,120
...and make sweet love
to it all night long.
243
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,490
Just two hummingbirds
moaning and groaning...
244
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:45,170
...and letting their bodies caress
and touch each other in ecstasy.
245
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,300
What?
246
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:01,140
What?!
247
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:07,060
Thank you, Chef,
for that heartwarming song.
248
00:17:07,230 --> 00:17:09,770
Thank you, Chef!
249
00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:12,980
God bless you, Kathie Lee!
250
00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:17,950
Mr. Garrison is about to kill
Kathie Lee! We have to find him!
251
00:17:18,150 --> 00:17:21,660
What? You mean the teacher?
Wait a minute.
252
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:27,750
Is there somewhere in town I can get a
good, clear shot...? View of Kathie Lee?
253
00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:31,580
I think the book depository
would be a good bet.
254
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:35,380
I think the book depository
would be a good bet.
255
00:17:35,540 --> 00:17:37,760
Book depository. Depository.
256
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,630
Damn, he could be anywhere!
I'll send out an APB.
257
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,050
Wendy, look!
258
00:17:44,340 --> 00:17:47,310
And now, here to present the award...
259
00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:51,230
...for the environmental essay
to our own Eric Kaufman...
260
00:17:51,430 --> 00:17:53,100
Cartman, goddamn it!
261
00:17:53,270 --> 00:17:56,360
...is your favorite celebrity
and mine...
262
00:17:56,770 --> 00:17:59,820
...Kathie Lee Gifford!
263
00:18:03,490 --> 00:18:05,660
Thank you. I love you all.
264
00:18:05,950 --> 00:18:07,780
Mr. Garrison! Stop!
265
00:18:07,950 --> 00:18:11,290
Leave us. We must finish
what we have begun.
266
00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:14,750
I know she's hurt you.
She's hurt a lot of people.
267
00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:18,750
- You can't know.
- You should've won that talent show.
268
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:23,380
It is with honor and pride
that I present the winner this trophy.
269
00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:29,090
- Eric, would you please come up here?
- Here it is, my big moment of fame.
270
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:33,180
Then she threw her voice
with two dummies at once.
271
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:36,430
I know that,
but this isn't the answer.
272
00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:39,900
It is too late for me, young Wendy.
273
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:45,940
I've learned something today.
You can't win all the time.
274
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:50,410
If you don't win, you can't hold it
against the person who did...
275
00:18:50,610 --> 00:18:54,120
...because that's the only way
you ever really lose.
276
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,490
You're right.
277
00:18:56,700 --> 00:18:58,160
Good.
278
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:01,620
She really threw her voice
with two dummies?
279
00:19:01,790 --> 00:19:03,210
The bitch must die!
280
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:16,930
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastard!
281
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:18,890
- Gun!
- Gun!
282
00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:23,600
Hey, come back!
We didn't even get to do our play!
283
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:25,810
That's it. Wrap it up.
284
00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:29,900
Hey, wait a minute.
When do I get to be on television?
285
00:19:30,070 --> 00:19:32,940
Forget it.
No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
286
00:19:33,110 --> 00:19:36,530
But I won the environmental
essay contest!
287
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:40,450
You don't deserve to win, Cartman,
and you know it!
288
00:19:40,620 --> 00:19:45,540
I'm holding Cartman's paper. It's
actually nothing more than Walden...
289
00:19:45,710 --> 00:19:50,710
...with Thoreau's name crossed out and
Cartman's name written in its place.
290
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,960
- Who cares?
- Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
291
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:57,630
What about not holding anything
against the winner?
292
00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,090
Well, not if it's Cartman.
293
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:05,310
Hey, where are you all going?
They don't even know what Walden is.
294
00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:09,100
I bet if Walden was a sitcom
you'd know what it was!
295
00:20:09,270 --> 00:20:12,610
Come on. Kyle's mom will make
tuna-fish sandwiches.
296
00:20:12,770 --> 00:20:13,940
What the hell.
297
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:19,610
No, no! Now I'll be stuck
in this Podunk town forever...
298
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:25,080
...with all these stupid, hick,
redneck, jobless, truck-driving idiots!
299
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,620
Mayor, the mike is on.
300
00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:30,620
Thought you could get away
with it, Mr. Hat?
301
00:20:30,790 --> 00:20:33,880
I would have, if it weren't
for those meddling kids.
302
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:38,420
You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee
and that nobody got hurt.
303
00:20:40,510 --> 00:20:43,090
We hope you can come back
to school soon.
304
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:47,390
I'd love to, but the doctors say
Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
305
00:20:47,550 --> 00:20:49,720
We can still get her!
306
00:20:49,890 --> 00:20:54,020
I'm just sorry I ruined everyone's
chances for being on TV.
307
00:20:54,190 --> 00:20:56,810
Not Cartman.
He gets to be on TV anyway.
308
00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:58,560
Really? On what?
309
00:20:58,730 --> 00:21:00,070
Obesity.
310
00:21:00,230 --> 00:21:02,320
Adiposity. Corpulence.
311
00:21:02,530 --> 00:21:05,780
Whatever word you use,
it represents one thing:
312
00:21:05,950 --> 00:21:07,450
Being a big fat-ass.
313
00:21:07,610 --> 00:21:11,660
We have with us via satellite
Eric Cartman from South Park...
314
00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:15,710
...who is now so obese,
he can't even get out of his house.
315
00:21:15,870 --> 00:21:18,080
When is this gonna be on the air?
316
00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:21,420
Is there anything you'd like
to say to the people?
317
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,670
Follow your dreams.
318
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,260
You can reach your goals.
I'm living proof.
319
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:29,220
Beefcake. Beefcake!
320
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:32,510
He needs to run his ass
around the block.
321
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,180
How about more of that good loving?
322
00:21:35,350 --> 00:21:38,520
Damn! I gave you sweet loving
five minutes ago!
323
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,390
You trying to kill me?
26999
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