All language subtitles for 1 1 Real.Time.with.Bill.Maher.S24E23.480p

Start the clock.

Thank you, people.

How are you?

Appreciate it. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you.

Welcome to our show.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

And what can I tell you? It's the dog
days of summer. I'm kind of glad.

Finally a slow news week. I could use a
little break.

Like, the biggest story this week is the
guy won the Powerball lottery for a

billion dollars. Did you see that?

In Quincy, Illinois, at a gas station,
which is perfect because he plans to

spend it on gas.

And, well, you know, a billion sounds
like a lot of money, but,

you know, right away the IRS takes a
quarter of it.

And then depending on what state you
live in, like if you live in this state,

between federal and state, another half.

But, you know, Tara, how can you live?

This guy said he never realized how much
he hated socialism.

But speaking of that, good news for the
Democrats. The

crazy lady in Wisconsin who hates
Thanksgiving lost.

By a whisper.

Remember Francesca Hong out there? Yeah,
I see her.

He was ahead by 20 points, but then we
found out about Thanksgiving. He doesn't

like Thanksgiving. He also hates
Halloween, Christmas,

Valentine's Day, the Fourth of July.
It's actually a good thing she lost for

everybody, considering how much she
enjoys celebrating.

She took it well. She said she just
wants to spend more time with her

husband, the Grinch.

Silly story.

But you know what?

No.

Another progressive woman is in the
news. AOC.

Big announcement this week. You saw,
yes, we love it already.

Look at this.

I don't know why we love it or don't
love it. I don't know. I don't know much

about it. But what it is is she's free.
She announced.

She's, wow. I remember when she was like
in the 20s, a new one, and now she's 36.

She's freezing her eggs.

Something career women do. I get it. You
got shit to do. Put the kid on layaway.

I get it.

I mean, I'm all for it. But, you know, I
must say, trying to teach kids these

days about sex between the you might be
in the wrong body and your brother's in

the freezer.

I tell you.

Explaining the birds and the bees is a
lot more complicated than just, hmm,

kids.

Now, I don't know if this has anything
to do with her decision, but she was

engaged for quite a while, and the
reports are this week that that's over,

that the fiancé, yeah, they called it
quits, although she says she hopes they

can still remain comrades.

I kid.

Oh.

Speaking of the eat the rich people,
Luigi.

Luigi. We have Luigi Pantheon, Luigi
Mangione, the guy who was getting the

runaround from the health care system
about his bad back, so he murdered a

health care executive randomly.

That guy.

He pleaded guilty in court. He said, I
shot Mr.

Thompson, and I knew what I was doing,
and the Mangione Nistas, that's what

they call the groupies outside the
courthouse, they took it hard.

One of them said, I don't think this is
a concession or admission of guilt.

Mitch, he just said he did it, okay?

On the bright side, you always

know where he is when you call.

How about the exciting news of the week?
The Trump escape. Did you see that? The

secret... Oh, see, this hit a nerve.

The Secret Service got a credible threat
that Iran was about to assassinate the

president. They had a plan in place as
he was coming out of Turkey.

So they did that thing with Trump that
the Beatles used to do where they go in

one car and come out the next car.

Except they did it with planes. There
were three planes involved. And they put

him in the catering cart.

And they pulled it all. He can pull this
off, but he can't clean a pool.

Now, the controversy with this is

that Trump put all his friends on the
decoy plane.

Well, not all. You know who he took with
him? Pete Hegseth.

I'm not making that up. That is a fact.
He took Pete Hegseth in the catering

cart. And Pete was the perfect roommate
in the catering cart.

Trump was in with the snacks, and Pete
was in with the complimentary beer and

wine. It worked out perfectly.

But, yeah.

Those Iranians, they ain't playing.
Iran, they're a-filling themselves

lately.

You know, they said they, well, look,
they've got the whip hand now. They said

they won't reopen the Strait of Hormuz
without compensation, without lifting

the blockade, without ending sanctions,
without releasing frozen assets, or the

right to charge ships.

Or as Trump put it, they surrendered
like dogs.

Well, I tell you.

military situation. I read this today.
We have a carrier over there that's been

there for nine months, finally getting a
break. Thank God. The USS Abraham

Lincoln, the conditions on board this
ship, it sounds like a cruise ship. The

toilets don't work.

They ran out of hot water. The food,
we're running out of food. A guy jumped

overboard.

And many others, they said, we're
thinking about it. I don't know about

destroying Iran's navy, but it looks
like we're doing a hell of a job with

ours.

The situation in general, I'm thinking
about the homeland too here, having used

up so many of our munitions stockpiles
is getting really desperate. The only

thing that's left here that's explosive
is diarrhea.

I mean, last week, what?

Last week we learned that there was a
shortage of ballistic missiles. We have

now, this week we found out, we used up
already a quarter of our drone fleet.

The Army has a new slogan, war while
supplies last.

Okay, you're great. We've got a great
show.

We've got Governor Andrew Cuomo, former
governor, and Christian Soltis Anderson.

First up, interesting guy. Glad he's on.
He's the host of the Daily Stoic podcast

and the number one best-selling author
of the Stoic Virtues series. Now, there

was a box set.

Ryan Holiday.

Ryan?

How are you, sir? Hi.

How are you? Good to see you.

Okay.

Now, Ryan and I have been hearing a lot
about you and your movement here. It's,

of course, not a new movement.

Stoicism is very, very ancient. But it
seems like this is the first time I've

ever recognized it to have a moment, can
we say, right in the modern world.

You're having a moment. I guess. Like
Jimothy.

Yes, like Jimothy. But more ancient.

Yes. What? Things have a moment.

And you seem to have learned how to
monetize this and sell it to the common

man. It's like a lifestyle, would you
say? I mean, the daily stoic.

We don't have time. You do it on a daily
basis. If you only had 10 minutes,

because you do only have 10 minutes.

What's your elevator pitch for stoicism?

Yeah.

It's certainly not what the word stoic
means to people, right? Stoic means has

no emotions, has no feeling, has no joy.

Stoicism as a philosophy, which has
endured for thousands of years, is there

to help us through the adversity and the
difficulties of life. Because life is

difficult. Life is painful. Things do go
wrong.

The stoics do this. They live through
the time of Nero. They live through

plagues. They live through wars. They
live through political unrest.

They live through the decline of an
empire. Some of this might sound

familiar to you.

But way less now. Let's not kid
ourselves that those things that you

described in the modern world are an
infinitesimally small percentage of what

they were back then. Plague, you know,
the Black Plague wiped out like a third

of Europe. The population didn't recover
for 500 years.

Yes, yes. This is the greatest time to
be alive in human history. Okay, thank

you. Glad we said that.

No, I mean, because we have to start
from reality. Reality.

But so much of the fundamental elements
of the human experience haven't changed.

People are annoying. People are
obnoxious. There's traffic. There's

travel delays.

You get sick. You get tired. You get
hungry. You have urges. You have

desires. All of the foibles of existence
remain unchanged.

And the Stoics were writing.

2,500 years ago about how we deal with
these things, how we persist in doing

the things we should do and resist doing
the things we should stop doing. Who was

the first stoic, and why was he so
pissed off?

Stoicism, I think, fittingly, comes from
a disaster. There's a man named Zeno.

He's a merchant traveling through the
Mediterranean. He suffers this

shipwreck, and he washes up penniless in
Athens. And in rebuilding his life, he

comes to discover this philosophy on the
stoa pochilae in ancient Athens.

So stoicism comes from stoa. It just
means porch. It's guys sitting around on

a porch talking about life and how to
deal with it. And for him, the core

virtues of stoicism is basically saying
that the key ingredients to a good life,

are courage, self-mastery, justice or
ethics, and wisdom. And that these are

the virtues we have to cultivate if we
want to thrive as human beings.

So do I have it wrong that there's this
idea that the external can't hurt us?

It's just how we react to it.

Yeah, so you could define stoicism as we
don't control what happens, we control

how we respond to what happens. We
control the story we tell ourselves

about it, we control what we do in
response to it, we control our emotions

in response to it.

It's about the part of it that you do
control. That's what stoicism is. But

some things we do control. Sure. And we
should. Yeah. I mean, you know the AA

prayer? Mm-hmm. The one the drunks say?
The serenity prayer.

Yeah.

I think it's originally started with St.
Francis.

Lord, grant me the power to change what
I can. The wisdom to... The courage to

change the things I can. No, the
serenity to accept what I can't. And the

wisdom to know the difference.

If I know that, what more are you
adding? I'm just asking.

It seems like the whole thing could be
said in that sentence. Well, the

serenity prayer sounds like...

thousands of years old. It was written
by Reinhold Niebuhr on a train in the

1950s. It's a summary of Stoic wisdom.
It is a summary.

Epictetus, a slave in the Roman Empire,
says that the chief task in life is

knowing what is in our control and
what's not in our control.

And the problem is most of the things
people spend most of their time on.

are not in their control, and they
neglect the things that are in their

control. We spend all this time trying
to fix other people, change other

people, complaining about things.

We spend a lot of time regretting what's
happened in the past, and a lot of time

worrying about what might happen in the
future, and all the while we're

neglecting the things that are up there.
It sounds like more of an Eastern

philosophy, and of course Greece was...
Not that far.

Not that far. And when the Roman Empire
divided, it went east. I mean, it was

the eastern half, and it has many
eastern ideas, which is more about

fatalism. Western man is much more about
thinking you control it. I feel like

that's who I am. I feel like, yes,
you're right, of course, I can't control

all my fate. But I always think life is
not just about what you get. That isn't

really what makes you happy a lot. It's
what you avoid.

See?

Maybe I should have a podcast about
this.

No, but really, I mean, when you think
about just the things you're getting

involved in the criminal justice system,
I mean, I know this from having just a

DUI once. It's a nightmare.

You know, debt, feuds, getting people
pissed off, making women angry. I could

go on.

Just taxes, you know, just what you
avoid. And I feel like I, you know.

I never like go across the street. If
there's any chance a car is anywhere

near me because just the slightest
thought I could get hit by the car, then

I would be having pain.

Epictetus said one of the signs you're
making progress as a philosopher is, you

might not like this, he says, proof is
that you're getting in fewer arguments.

That's great.

Because it doesn't matter what other
people think. It matters what you think.

And we spend a lot of time trying to
change people's minds, trying to reason

people out of positions they didn't
reason themselves into.

And so I do think it's important,
because there are a lot of overlap

between Eastern and Western philosophy.
But I think the critical difference

between Stoicism and, say, Buddhism, and
why Stoicism is having this moment, is

that the Stoics weren't retreating to a
monastery. They didn't go on these long,

silent retreats. They were in the arena,
literally and figuratively.

emperor of Rome. There are Stoics who
are playwrights and soldiers and

entrepreneurs and builders and doers. So
we live in the West. We live in the

world that the Romans made. And so as a
philosophy, I think you need, of course,

serenity and peace and tranquility and
all these things. But you also have to

like. The system doesn't work if people
aren't involved doing things and

contributing and trying to fix and grow
and change.

And so the Stoics were philosophers, but
only part-time philosophers.

They were full-time citizens and
professionals and leaders. They were

involved in public life.

So what do you think now, here, why are
you having so much success with this?

Why do you think this is the moment
where it caught on? To me, you know, it

does kind of make sense that people who,
especially the younger generations, who

think they're in so much pain. Yeah.

We both laughed at that. Yeah, totally.

But it fits.

Yes. Look, I think one of the reasons
stoicism is working is because it has

been tried and tested over 25 centuries.

It's a merciless process of the crucible
of human experience testing these ideas

and refining them.

But I think the reason it's having a
moment particularly today is we are

seeing a collapse in the other
institutions and ideologies that used to

shape and direct people. People aren't
going to church as much. They see there

is a dearth of great leaders and moral
examples.

And so we're looking backwards to people
who...

who from a previous time seem to have
figured it out, wrote something down,

have something to share and teach us.

And it would be wonderful if these ideas
were taught in school, but they're not.

And so people wake up and they go,
especially I think young men, they wake

up and they go, well, I know what I
don't want to be, but who should I be?

What should I do?

And they're desperate for advice. And
that is a void that if we don't fill,

Andrew Tate fills.

Come on, they can't be our only two
choices.

There's got to be something else on the
menu.

What about overseas? Is this as big
overseas? Are you big overseas, or is

this more of an American phenomenon?

No, no.

It's all over the world.

Obviously, in Greece and Rome, the
Marxists and the Stoics are their

heroes. But I think there are some
cultures that are a little bit more

naturally Stoic than the Americans.

There's, I think, a natural Stoicism in
the Brits, in the Australians.

But it resonates all over the world. The
books are in...

40 languages. And you have a banned book
library, don't you? I do.

I think that's an awesome idea. Because
they ban books on both sides. I

mentioned it at my Mark Twain speech,
the Huckleberry Finn.

They don't want that in the schools,
even though it's anti-racist.

1984 has been banned because, by the
communists and by people who thought it

was communist.

Right. Right? So when people talk about
banned books, they tend to think that

it's like, it's...

It's explicit or erotic or
inappropriate. And most of the books

that are on these lists most often are
the books that you read in high school

and you didn't think there was anything
wrong with. And people are trying to

pull the ladder up behind them, I guess,
and say no more generations can read

these classics. All right. Well, I hope
that bookstore expands. Thank you very

much for being here.

Fascinating stuff.

Appreciate you explaining it to us. All
right. Ryan Holiday.

Let's meet our time.

Hey.

All right. There they are.

He is the former Democratic governor of
New York. My old job. Andrew Cuomo is

here. And she's a CNN contributor and a
founding partner and pollster at

Echelon Insights. Kristen Soltis
Anderson, our recording champion.

Okay, you know, I say this often on this
show, I don't understand the American

economy, but I thought this would be a
good week to talk about it because

something shed a little light on it this
week. Have you heard about Burrito Gate?

Has anyone heard about the burrito
thing? This is a big thing. If you

haven't heard what happened, somebody
from Turning Point, USA, is that Charlie

Kirk's old... Okay.

Okay.

It's not really that important to the
thing, but...

He tweeted out because the students had
commented on their platform, a burrito

shouldn't cost $20.

And this guy challenged that. And it
turned out, we did some research on

this, it shouldn't cost $20 because it
doesn't.

It costs $20 because this kid factored
in somebody bringing it to him in an

Uber.

Yeah.

So this is what I don't understand about
the economy.

Yes, people are struggling, but their
expectations are too high. Is that too

much of a generalization about the
economy?

Well, I think this burrito gate has
really exploded on the Republican side.

And Kirsten knows about that more. But
sometimes a burrito is just a burrito.

Not this time.

This is a fundamental...

a problem for the Republicans.

They know they have a problem with young
people. They know that the young people

believe they have a real affordability
problem.

And the debate is, well, are these young
people just too entitled? They're taking

Ubers, they're buying $7 coffees, and
they're doing it to themselves, which is

sort of one side of the burrito gate
argument.

The other side is, no, there is a real
affordability crisis.

the Republicans better step up and
address it. And I think that's going to

be fascinating to watch, Bill, because
it's going to be an internal debate for

the Republican Party. Are they the
traditional conservative Ronald Reagan,

the private market is God, and whatever
it does is right?

or are you going to see more like a J.D.
Vance come in with an affirmative

government should do something about the
economy, housing subsidies, et cetera? I

think that's what this is really getting
at. Okay, but just to be clear about the

numbers here, you can get one for $2.

And you could buy it in the supermarket.
And somebody said they feed a family of

eight on $20 by buying ingredients.

Like we used to do.

Make your own burrito. That's what I'm
saying. One of the things that makes

people upset, though, is it's not even
necessarily just the raw price of what

you're paying, but it's how you feel you
used to be able to live relative to now.

And I think inherent to people's idea of
the American dream, which lots of people

define many different ways, is the idea
that you can always get ahead, that you

can always advance, that you can always
improve your quality of life. And if

you, rightly or wrongly, think things
used to be better.

And now, when I'm growing up, I'm
getting screwed. I understand why folks

in Gen Z feel like they say they don't
believe that the American dream is real.

They say they don't believe the system
works. I think it is true that there has

probably never been a better time or
place to be alive than the United States

of America in 2026.

Regardless of, I understand there's
plenty of things wrong, but...

But I also get for somebody who's Gen Z
when they look at maybe their parents'

generation and they go, you know, I feel
like they were able to buy a house when

they were 24.

It doesn't feel like I'm able to buy a
house.

You can see why for many of them they
go, you know, they came of age in the

COVID era.

They've seen a lot. But that's not what
the stats say.

You guys are talking about feelings. I'm
just going to stick to the numbers.

Here are the numbers.

Can I?

Okay.

From the Fed. Okay.

Two-thirds of Americans consider
groceries to be unaffordable.

Maybe they are. But wages rose in the
last decade, including the pandemic,

46%. Food prices rose 34%. So wages
outpaced them by the numbers.

What we spend on food. At the beginning
of the last century, it was 42% of the

budget. And then you go through the
years, you know, 1965, it was down to

15%. Now it's under 10%.

including eating out more.

Also, Gen Z, I never realized this until
people started writing about it, as they

reach their late 20s now, they're
getting much richer than Gen X was.

Millennials in Gen Z at age 30, their
net worth is around $118,000.

Gen X's was $53,000, like half of that.

But Gen X never complains.

You've got to love those Gen Xers. They
are the quietest fucking church mice. It

is also true that Gen Zers are living...
It is also true that Gen Zers are, like,

I would argue, alarmingly high levels of
people in Gen Z who are living with

their parents well into their 20s.

Absolutely. That's another big issue.
This is another stat I saw this week

that blew my mind. The great wealth
transfer.

I've been reading about this. That's, I
guess, our generation, or that's the

boomers, are set to transfer $104
trillion. Now, this is the high end. We

don't know. This is over 20 years. But
up to $124 trillion, trillion dollars,

down through the younger generations.

It's interesting.

A lot of the kids want it now.

They don't wait. It's like, look, why
wait till you die, Grandpa?

I'm going to push back against this.

Okay, well, first of all, you're right.
Waiting for the baby boomers to die is

not an economic strategy.

But I totally disagree that Gen Z and
millennials are just

waiting for the baby boomers to hand
things over to them.

I think for many of them, they feel like
the deal that was available to the baby

boomers is not a deal that is available
to them today.

You can make the case on the numbers,
but it is not what they feel, right?

And that's part of what we're seeing on
the Democratic side also. I think the

Republicans are going to have a bigger
problem because they start with a

problem with younger people. But look at
what we're going through right now. We

have these young people who believe they
have been screwed by life.

Right. And they are acting out and
they're upset about Trump's election and

they're upset about Israel and they're
upset about affordability and they are

acting out. By the way, they're doing
the exact opposite of what Ryan just

talked about with stoicism. Right. You
should be smart, be controlled, show

wisdom.

They're just total rage and emotion and
doing everything they can that is stupid

and counterproductive.

But that is the feeling.

Well, I got to say, the first thing I
thought of when I saw this stat about

transferring $124 trillion, I thought, I
wonder how much of that is white money.

Because I bet it's most of it. And it
turned out I was right.

Because of all the racial issues we
face, the big one, I mean, so many of

the things these days, it's just
performative. I mean, we've made a lot

of progress. I know the far left hates
to hear that. It's just true. The one

place that duck is money, which makes
sense, because one race had a 300

-year head start on making it.

And that's what money gets transferred
down through the generations. That's why

the white people have 84%.

of total household wealth.

That's what it is. So I would just say
to the young people who think of

themselves as progressives, you know,
and you believe in allyship and

reparations, and that's where the money
is, kids. Well, look, I don't think that

leading for wealth to transfer is a good
strategy. I think finding ways to help

wealth get created is good. I agree. And
honestly, this is a...

Regardless of what you think about
Donald Trump, this is a you-gotta-hand

-it-to-him. These Trump accounts for
young kids. The ability to have money

set aside for you when you are very
young. So explain it first, because I

know the story. It's been called a
couple different things, baby bonds. But

essentially, if you are born in the
United States... During Trump's

presidency, you get, I believe it's
$1,000 that can just go straight into an

account. I think that Dell is also
funding some of this.

Essentially,

it just means that you have money that's
going to set aside and can grow over the

course of your lifetime. Compound
interest is insane.

This is an incredible way to help kids
get the next generation.

Sorry for millennials and Gen Z, but for
Gen Alpha and whoever comes after them,

being able to have that money start
early.

They'll say they're paying one-tenth of
the interest on their college debt, you

know, which many of these kids really
are struggling with, and that is a

problem. I remember George Bush wanted
to put the money that we, when you start

paying into Social Security when you're
20 or 18 or whatever it is, into the

stock market.

And he went, wow, what a terrible idea.
Not a terrible idea.

You're not going to be able to touch it
until you're 65 anyway.

Look at the chart of where the money in
the stock market is. It outpaces just

putting in the bank by an exponential
number.

So why didn't we do that? Well, because
politics, I guess. This seems like it's

the same thing.

Well, this is, I think, a little
different because people don't, I think

people are, I actually don't know what
the investment rules are around it, but

the idea that you're starting so early
just gives it, I mean, time is just such

an accelerant when it comes to being
able to grow wealth and being able to

start so young. I'm hoping that that
will help these younger generations,

especially kids who are not coming from
white families or families where they're

going to be able to inherit that wealth.
I think it's going to be hugely helpful.

And Andrew, as someone who ran against
Mandemi in New York for the mayorship,

what do you think of his?

plan to help us with affordability. I
mean, he's opening these city-run

stores, grocery stores, I don't think
they have one yet, but that's the plan,

that will sell meat and bread and other
items, I assume, for 30% below market

rate. His quote was, the mayor said, I
look forward to the competition.

May the most affordable grocery store
win.

Well, it's not competition.

If you're undercutting legitimate
businessmen by 30%, I wonder who's going

to win.

But who's subsidizing that? Who's paying
for that? I guess richer people, and

that's the plan. But you think it's
workable? It never has before.

Of course not. It's emblematic of this
entire approach, right? It's all

symbolic.

They take a really serious issue, and
food insecurity is a serious issue.

And they offer this simplistic solution,
bumper sticker solution, that's not

going to make a damn bit of difference.

His plan is first five grocery stores in
New York City.

for the entire city.

Jesus Christ, five loaves of bread, two
fish, could only feed 5,000. You're not

going to do 8 million people with five
grocery stores.

The grocery stores are subsidized $100
million.

That's how the 30% discount comes,
because he's subsidizing them with tax

dollars. All it's going to do is put the
surrounding mom-and-pop stores out of

business, and then

Anyone can go to the Thor.

So it's not...

For poor people, lower-income people,
it's anyone. You can go shop and get the

30% discount. But I wouldn't, and
neither would you.

I know, but... The rich people aren't
going to go to that store. Yeah, but

they want to make the point of
socialism.

This is socialism providing the goods.
Nothing will make someone hate socialism

more than trying to go to a
government-run grocery store. In 1989,

Boris Yeltsin comes over to the U.S.
This is when, like, the U.S. and the

USSR were starting to become... It was
thawing. He comes over to visit Texas.

He goes to NASA.

He sees our technology there. And then
he goes to a Texas grocery store.

Boris Yeltsin walked away.

The Houston Chronicle said he was
dazzled by the Jell-O pudding pop.

Seriously,

in the store. And he went back to the
Soviet Union and was like, guys, we've

got it all wrong. And that was it. That
was the end of the Cold War. We just had

all the soccer tourists do the same
thing.

They lost their shit in the grocery
aisles of the American supermarket.

It turns out this is a solved problem.

And look, I get it. So the affordability
of groceries.

Right problem to tackle, wrong solution.

We actually have solutions in that you
have grocery stores like Aldi, like

Little, that are aimed at sort of
getting discount food in people's hands.

Create the economic conditions where an
Aldi or a Little wants to open up shop

in your town rather than government
deciding it's going to get into the

grocery store running business.

Exactly.

What we did on the safe side is exactly
what you said. Number one, provide an

incentive for private stores to go into
these communities because they don't

want too many of them.

And number two, for low-income people
who can't afford food, subsidize their

food bill. And in New York, $40,000,
$50,000, up to $60,000, depending on

your family condition, you can get
$1,000 credit per month for food.

That's a smart way to do it, you know.
But this is not about smart.

This is about performative, as you said.

Okay. Performative politics and
performative government. That's not

going to make a damn bit of difference.
Speaking of money and who has it.

A story I wanted to cover. Now, this
show, we take our responsibility very

seriously here to alert the audience to
important new trends that are coming up.

And there is an important one. It was in
the Wall Street Journal this week. The

headline was, this summer's hottest
accessory is a private equity boyfriend.

This is...

What? You're laughing. But for a
successful woman like yourself, I'm sure

you're taken. But for successful women,
you've got to have a private equity

boyfriend. Reese Witherspoon has one,
Nicole Kidman, Olivia Rodrigo, Andy

Cohen. It's the biggest thing. So we
were curious.

We were curious.

What are the pickup lines that the
private equity boyfriends are using? So

we Googled it. Would you like to hear
some of that?

Are you from the Midwest?

Because I'd like to ruin your downtown.

I guess I'll have to offer your ass a
buyout because I see it just won't quit.

I'm not into anal, but I have had the
Securities and Exchange Commission up my

ass.

I don't know if you're running a Ponzi
scheme, but you've already made off with

my heart.

Very proud of that one.

I see us growing old together.

Well, you growing old. I have access to
Peter Thiel's blood guy.

You look like a younger Charlize Theron,
which is good, because the real one put

out a restraining order on me.

Your place or mine? Actually, yours,
because mine has been doxxed by Mandani.

And come on my boat. I don't want to
brag, but if it had any more coke on it,

Pete Hegseth would blow it up.

So now you're apprised on that front.

Okay.

So you're our favorite pollster here on
this show. You've got all the polls. You

have all the facts. Nobody likes them
anymore.

Nobody ever liked them. But we need
them. And we need sometimes to maybe

get better stats because I don't know if
people are answering the landline

anymore or however they're getting their
info.

I have to ask this question because I
keep reading these statistics about how

much the American public has gone
independent.

Like 45% of people now say they're
independent.

This never happened when we were young.

They were either Republican or Democrat.
There was a few independents. The

numbers that say they're dissatisfied
with both parties.

And yet, why never the third party? And
then I read last week, Tucker Carlson,

he's going to be the third party guy.

Now, look, Republicans, I love them, but
you know what?

They always go lower.

Like, just when you think you hit the
bottom of the barrel, there's more under

the barrel.

There's levels of... It's true.

Find new levels of crazy. I mean, Tucker
Carlson, he's the third party. Why do

they say the American public that they
want this sensible middle? But then when

it comes time to actually do it, they
run right to the extremes.

All right. Where do we start? So there
are an awful lot of Americans who feel

very politically homeless.

They look at the Republican Party, they
look at the Democratic Party, and maybe

they agree with a little of column A, a
little of column B, but they're not in

on all of one or the other. The problem
is all of those people who are

politically homeless do not agree on a
whole lot.

There are some who like Tucker Carlson.
There are some who like Mike Bloomberg.

Those people do not actually agree on
much besides...

I don't really like the two political
parties.

That's what makes it so hard for a third
party to take off. There are structural

things built into our system about
single-member districts and what's, you

know, the Constitution. It is rigged.

By both.

Neither party, like, wants to get the
third party on the ballot, right?

That's the truth. That is the truth.

And, like, look, we've had, you had Ross
Perot back in 92 get almost 20%, but

it's hard to get more than that because
it's hard to get a group of people who

are independent.

but also agree on enough stuff
altogether to come together to form like

a coherent political movement that is so
distinct from one of the two parties.

And that's why usually it's like a Ralph
Nader on the left or a Tucker on

wherever he is. Isn't it more that we're
all in bubbles and in our own media echo

chambers, and so they got us
cockfighting, and it's so easy at the

end of the day to get people just to go,
oh, fuck them on that thing, and go

right back to the team, my team.

I mean, I find that my frustration in
life is always trying to get people to a

sensible middle. They just don't seem to
want to do it at the end of the day.

Yeah,

I think it's both things. First of all,
there is a real structural problem.

Democrats don't want it to happen, and
the Republicans don't want it to happen

because it would diminish both parties.

So it doesn't happen.

Many contests, most contests, you can't
vote as an independent.

If you could vote as an independent in
party primaries, that would make a

dramatic difference in this country
because there would be a moderating

influence. But neither party really
wants to do it.

And then push comes to shove.

As Kirsten said, people will say, yes,
I'm not happy with either party.

But at the end of the day, they go
Democratic or Republican because they

don't think the independent candidacy is
really viable. But Tucker Carlson, I

mean, he used to do this show and my old
show with the bow tie, normal sort of

Republican conservative.

And then he just went to crazy land.

And made $100 million.

Here's the irony.

If I was constructing the third-party
candidate who would have the best chance

of succeeding, it would be somebody who
says, I'm anti-establishment, I'm

skeptical of us getting involved in
foreign wars, I'm a little more socially

conservative, I'm pretty law and order,
but I'm more economically populist, I

think the capitalist system sucks.

That kind of, that's like the pieces you
could assemble to make a reasonably

successful candidate. The problem is
that Tucker Carlson's doing that plus a

lot of other stuff that makes him not
even remotely palatable to the vast,

vast, vast majority of Americans.

And when I look at my polls and I see,
you know, right now Republicans kind of

split on whether they like Tucker
Carlson or not, many of the Republicans

who like him, I think are unaware of
some of pieces of this journey that he's

gone on since bow-tied guy who would
come on real time or dancing with the

stars and the very dark places that he
has gone now. It does speak to the

vulnerability of Trump.

I mean, the fact that they smell blood
in the water, the fact that the poll

numbers are down, they don't like the
war, they don't like what they conceive

as inflation, which is the tariffs, the
things that made people's lives more

difficult.

And so Tucker Carlson, I mean, he put
out like a 10-point plan. That's what

people who are going to run for office
do. It was bullshit, but he put it out.

I think, yeah.

Well, you have to have a 10-point plan
for anything, right?

I think it's going to get worse after
the midterms. I think they're sensing

that the Republicans are going to have
trouble in the midterms in November.

then you're going to really start to see
the vulnerability of Trump. Because then

they will all come. You must be happy
that the crazy lady in Wisconsin lost,

as for the Democratic Party.

It is so

shocking to me how the Democratic Party
has gotten itself into this situation.

where it is so counterproductive, right?

We hate MAGA, we hate Trump. So we go
out and nominate people who make it

harder to win in November, you know?

None of it makes any sense. I get the
anger. I get the frustration.

But it is all counterproductive. They're
mad at Trump. They're mad at Israel.

They're mad at the establishment.

They're mad at the Democratic Party.

So they do emotionally the exact
opposite, right?

And it's just not going to work. They
are electing people who are going to

make it harder to win.

There was a poll that came out this week
that showed the Republican candidate up

by, I believe, four points against Abdul
El-Sayed in Michigan now.

the polls in Michigan and the Democratic
primary weren't particularly good, but

that's a race that was not necessarily
the one that Republicans initially

thought was going to be their best
chance, but are now looking at it as a

real opportunity that even in a very
bad, what is likely to be a very bad

election year for Republicans, could be
a pickup.

But Democrats have also been saved by
their own base a couple of times this

year so far. And I have long believed
that Democrats are on a slow path toward

having their own Tea Party movement kind
of situation.

I do think that if Democrats take the
House, you are going to have a situation

where a, let's say, Speaker Hakeem
Jeffries has to figure out, how am I

going to fund the government?

How am I going to pass a funding bill
that Donald Trump signs? And that's when

the real bloodbath begins within the
Democratic Party. I couldn't agree more.

Look, you have these moderates who are
just afraid.

of the extreme left they're just afraid
they are and when they start with this

well we're a big tent party no that is a
lot of crap big tent party meant all

races color creeds were open-minded but
a tent is a finite uh ops object

it didn't mean

Nazi sympathizers, you're welcome.

Anti-Semites, you're welcome.

Abolish the police. Close prisons. Open
borders.

Do away with the Constitution.

That's not the Democratic tent.

It's just not. But they are afraid,
Bill, of the extremists. And they are

placating them.

And that is going to make the Tea Party
of the Democratic Party. And that will

make us a fringe party. We will defeat
ourselves on this path.

Okay, so lightning round.

So, President Trump foiled the assassins
again this

week. He jumped on the plane that wasn't
the plane.

But he left everybody else on the other
plane. If the Iranians were going to

shoot down that plane, goodbye Marco
Rubio and a lot of other people. No, I'm

not judging him.

I'm sure that's what the Secret Service
told him. My question is, because I've

heard it is the president's discretion
if he could do that or not.

Do you think any other president would
have done it differently? Like, say,

Jimmy Carter.

He was like Mr. Christian Guy. Would he
have left his friends on that other

plane? What about Obama? What about
Reagan?

I feel like when you're Donald Trump,
Donald Trump has had a number of

credible threats on his life traced back
to the Iranian government.

Yeah. He got his ear shot. I don't blame
him. So I kind of think if you're Donald

Trump, you do what the Secret Service
tells you to do. Yeah, I would. I think

they all would.

You think they all would? I think they
would do what the Secret Service said to

do. Yes, it's his decision, but you
rarely go against what the Secret

Service is advising.

Right. All right.

Thank you, panel. Time for new rules.

All right,

new rule.

Now that AOC has decided to share with
the world that she's freezing her eggs,

Mitch McConnell's wife has to tell us if
Mitch has passed away.

I mean, no disrespect, but we do need to
set a bipartisan baseline for too much

information.

I don't want to invade anybody's
privacy.

I just need to know what's in the
freezer.

Uh, overall, women hoping to put a
little more lead in their man's pencil

might want to consider...

Getting him the herbal supplement horny
goat weed. It's known as nature's

Viagra, and even if it doesn't work,
ladies, remember, goats, they'll eat

anything.

New Rule,

the airport duty-free store has to come
right out and say it. You think we

smell.

What other explanation is there? Your
store carries two things, cologne and

liquor.

Who buys cologne at the airport?

Why not just come home wearing a sign
that says, honey, I'm having an affair.

And if I'm going to spend $50 on a
bottle of something at the airport, it's

going to be water.

You're a South Korean company looking to
do business in America.

Run your brand name by an English
speaker first.

I'm talking to you, come-ho tires.

No, I'm just trying to help because I
see big problems. Like some

guy... telling his girl, honey, we can't
go out to dinner tonight. I just dropped

500 bucks on a couple of come home.

Now that Georgia's Jesse Davis is
accused of trying to run over a woman in

a parking lot just for saying good
morning, someone has to ask him two

questions. Why would you do that to a
nice lady just out for a jog?

Could you look any more like a Chucky
dog?

Dude, I don't know where all this
pent-up animosity towards women is

coming from, but have you tried horny
goat weed?

And finally, new rule, if you want the
American dream, you have to take the

American values.

There's no bigger issue in electoral
politics these days than immigration,

and there's no doubt, at least in my
mind, that both sides went to extremes.

Biden's policy of open doors, and then
Trump's policy of broken windows.

Now, I'm on the page of America doing
what it used to do so well, stealing

hard-working, talented immigrants from
around the world and making them

Americans.

Something has changed in the equation.

Now, most immigrants still want to
assimilate. But some now have this other

attitude of melting pot.

Fuck you, you melt.

Look, you don't have to love everything
about America. We don't. That's why Yelp

was invented.

But, you know, if you do get past ICE...

America's actually pretty cool. We say
you do you. Eat the food your grandma

cooked. Speak another language at home.

Celebrate religious holidays.

We welcome your food, your art, your
fashion, your first ladies.

But you have to answer one question. Do
you like Western civilization?

Because that's what we are.

And that's not negotiable.

Let me ask our audience.

Do you think gay rights is one of our
values that's non-negotiable?

Great, I'm going to hold you to it.

A few weeks ago, a liberal Democrat
named Melissa Chaudhry running for

Congress in Seattle was asked why.

Among the many progressive causes listed
on her website, LGBT rights was

conspicuously absent.

Because, she said, a lot of Muslims do
not feel that way, unfortunately.

Now here's where liberal thinkers just
tightened.

Because they heard the word Muslim and
have been brainwashed into thinking, oh,

some Islamophobic bullshit is coming
now. No, just fact.

And a little honesty to the people who
see everything as oppressor versus

oppressed, but can't see who actually
does a lot of oppressing.

So let me ask, is this the progressive
policy now? Is Ms. Chaudhry right? We

throw gay people under the bus anytime
it clashes with what makes Muslims

uncomfortable?

Last month, a gay cruise ship with 2,000
passengers that was sailing the

Mediterranean had to turn around and
change course because Muslim countries

wouldn't let it dock. They tried to get
into Turkey, and Turkey was like, no

homo.

They tried Egypt, nope, just straight
denial.

This poor gay cruise ship couldn't find
a home. It was like the grinder version

of the Odyssey.

But happy ending, they eventually sailed
on to Greece, where the Greeks said, are

you kidding? We invented that ship.

But I got to say, you know, Egypt and
Turkey, they have

no problem saying, our culture, we just
don't do that here.

We need a little of that attitude here.

How about homophobia? We just don't do
that here.

We will

make you

bake a wedding cake.

But not everybody sees it this way.
Linda Sarsour is a big progressive hero,

and she says, Our number one priority is
our community. It is not to assimilate.

Okay, but that's not really how
immigration works.

If I move to Japan, I don't get to say,
okay, everybody, a couple of changes.

First of all, shoes stay on in the house
now.

Also, no more tentacle porn. That's
gone.

Lots of people, not just Muslims, of
course, do lots of fucked up shit. We

don't have to go along with it. A number
of cultures still practice marriage by

capture, where if you fancy a gal, you
simply abduct her and claim her as your

fiancé. You may recall Borat tried it on
Pamela Anderson.

It's a real thing, and it's always a
touching scene when the groom gets down

on one knee to propose and the bride
still has the bag over her head.

Okay, but we don't do that here.

Linda Sarsour was forced into an
arranged marriage at 17, but defends the

practice, saying it made her, quote,
become mature much earlier in life. I'll

bet.

But here, we think that's a little too
close to Epstein stuff.

Honor killing, not letting women show
their faces, polygamy, cousin fucking,

female genital mutilation. There's lots
of stuff we don't do here,

and it's not negotiable, and it's not
white values.

These are liberal values. People fought
and died to establish them, and it's not

racist to say.

If you want to come here to help form a
more perfect union, great.

But some things are too fundamental to
change.

The separation of religion and faith,
for example. And I would say the same

thing to Christian nationalists.

Democracy, not theocracy.

Free speech, even about religion.

Equal rights for women. LGBT.

That's America.

And none of it, none of this is
available in Sharia law.

Which a third of British Muslims want to
see be the law in England.

And you can't have both. You can't have
England and Sharia law.

And the left's reaction to
Islamification is, the worst that could

happen from it is it will get
right-wingers elected.

Maybe, or maybe the worst that could
come from it is in 20 years the UK is

turning away gay cruise ships.

Now, you can, and I'm sure some of you
are, screaming Islamophobia, but that's

just a bullshit word to cow people into
not talking about this.

This has nothing to do with non-whites
becoming the majority. I don't give a

shit about that. I don't give a shit
about colors.

White people, they're white. They're not
pandas.

I care about liberal values being
replaced by illiberal ones.

Last month, more than 70,000 Moroccan
migrants breached the border and poured

into a part of Spain called Sueta.

I feel for them.

But I also understand why a lot of
Europe freaked out about it.

I sympathize with refugees.

But when I see them interviewed, it's
always, there's nothing here for me, the

economy sucks, I don't see a future.

I sympathize, but what you need is not
asylum.

What you need is LinkedIn.

Build something in the country you live
in. You got a bad economy?

You know that cruise ship that couldn't
dock?

Do you have any idea how much money
2,000 drunk gay men would have spent in

the beach town?

All right, that's our show.

Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.

Thank you.