Original subtitles

[music]

[music]

>> Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Please welcome to the stage

Mark U

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

>> [music]

>> Thank you.

TURN IT UP.

TURN IT UP.

>> [applause and cheering]

>> NOW,

I DON'T WANT OKAY.

I DON'T WANT to start by disappointing

you, but we're not doing Safari Time

tonight.

>> [laughter]

>> I I don't think it works. So,

I've spent the afternoon. I've rewrote

the whole special.

It's now a a show that takes place in

the future.

It's all about a robot who does stand-up

in the future. I'm calling it the robot

who does stand-up

in the future.

Here we go.

All right. PLAY THE MUSIC, SAM.

>> [music]

>> Turn it up.

>> [laughter]

>> Knock knock. Who's there? Not your

children cuz you don't care about

climate change.

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah, guys, you got to remember.

This takes place in the future. It is

not fun and your kids are dead.

>> [laughter]

>> Guys, we're workshopping this. We are

workshopping this. I think that music is

too playful for a dystopian future.

Sam, let's try the more futuristic

music. Let's do it again. All right,

here we go.

>> [music]

[music]

>> Turn it off.

>> [laughter]

>> Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because we over bred them as a species

and then we all died off.

>> [laughter]

>> Guys, there's going to be [ __ ]

chickens everywhere.

>> [laughter]

>> The chicken

The chicken is [ __ ] because

the chicken evolved to taste like

nothing and yet we still slaughter them

in the billions.

>> [laughter]

>> And don't be like, I like chicken. No,

you don't. You [clears throat] like the

sauce.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> Every other animal evolved to to to help

it live. The pig

evolved in the most [ __ ] up manner.

Every part of the pig is more delicious

than the last. [laughter]

WHAT WAS IT THINKING?

YOU COULD BE EATING pig

and be like, you know what would be good

wrapped around this

is more OF THAT [ __ ] PIG.

>> [laughter]

>> WE'RE SO HARD ON THE CHICKEN. LIKE ONE

crosses the road and we're all like, I

have a lot of questions.

>> [laughter]

>> Meanwhile, three pigs ran away from a

wolf. You never once said, what the [ __ ]

did they just do?

>> [laughter]

>> I'll tell you what they did. They [ __ ]

the wolf's wife.

>> [laughter]

[applause and cheering]

>> That's right. The three pigs were spit

roasting the wolf's wife.

>> [laughter]

>> Ironic.

>> [laughter]

>> Or you're a math crowd. You're like,

Mark, there was three

three pigs. Spit roasting would be two

pigs. The other guy was a little

pervert. He just watched.

He was basting.

>> [laughter]

>> He was the one that built the house out

of straw because

>> [laughter]

>> his little pig hooves were just covered

in [ __ ]

>> [laughter]

>> So, he could just pick up the straw very

easily and build with it. It was like an

adhesive.

>> [laughter]

>> I think [laughter] the music, Sam, was

too future Like the music, guys.

Music can really set the tone.

Guys, did you ever notice that music can

really set the tone?

Watch. Watch. I'll show you. Watch.

There's this Okay, when I use this next

song, you'll notice just a slight

difference. You'll notice a slight

difference in your emotion. Watch.

Watch. Play the third one, Sam.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

>> [laughter]

>> Did you feel it? Just a slight

>> [laughter]

>> I think it's that one's in 4/4 time. I'm

unsure.

>> [laughter]

>> I don't even need this, to be honest

with you.

>> [laughter]

>> I don't. Like I'm I'm writing a new TV

show. It's going to be a huge hit. It's

amazing. It's going to be all about

Hitler's mom.

I know. Two Nazi jokes off the top?

>> [laughter]

>> Well, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? SPLIT

THEM UP?

>> [laughter]

>> HERE'S WHAT THE SHOW'S GOING TO BE

ABOUT. I think it's a great idea. So,

every episode, right? Hitler's mom's

just going about her day in the house

and a portal opens up and someone comes

from the future and tries to murder her

baby. [laughter]

The funny thing is you got to remember,

SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY.

>> [laughter]

>> EVERY DAY SHE'S JUST IRONING and what

THE [ __ ] AGAIN?

WHY DO THEY HATE babies in the future?

>> [laughter]

>> It's going to be a sitcom. It's going to

be

so funny.

>> [laughter]

>> She's going to have a crazy catchphrase.

Hitler's mom.

>> [laughter]

>> You have to on a sitcom, right? So,

imagine the portal opens up, someone

comes in to murder her baby. She's going

to be like,

What are you doing here?

>> [laughter]

>> That's not offensive. That's not

offensive.

GUYS, THAT'S NOT OFFENSIVE.

It's not offensive. I GUARANTEE YOU

THERE WOULD BE THERE WOULD BE A LINEUP

OF JEWISH PEOPLE AT THE TIME MACHINE TO

MURDER THAT [ __ ] BABY.

>> [applause and laughter]

>> YOU'RE UPSET AT NOTHING.

GUYS.

GUYS.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> THAT FROSTY THE Snowman can [ __ ] off.

That's the thing. [laughter]

Is there going TO BE SEGWAYS? NO.

>> [laughter]

>> THOSE KIDS BUILT A SNOWMAN, put a magic

hat on it, right? Gave it the gift of

life. Gave it a soul. And then they're

like, what do you want to do with your

new found life? And he'd be like, I

don't know. Run around, jaywalk.

>> [laughter]

>> What a waste of a magic hat.

If that was I would take that right off

him because it's a money making machine,

to be honest with you.

How many times have you heard someone

say, like, I wish I had five more

minutes with my grandma?

>> [laughter]

>> Some business people. Some business

people.

Yeah, here's my business plan. You bring

your dead grandma to my garage.

We put that magic hat on her. Now, guys,

you get five minutes, all right?

Not a second more cuz

I know a lot of you are going to be

complaining. You'll be like, well, wait,

the first two minutes was a WHOLE LOT OF

WHERE AM I?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WHAT'S THIS HAT? AM I BACK TO LIFE

FOREVER?

WHERE'S MY SKIN?

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> AND NOW SHE'S A SKELETON, RIGHT? SO,

she's going to sing and dance for

another two minutes.

>> [laughter]

>> They always do in THE CARTOON.

OH,

I'M JUST A SKELETON GRANDMA COMING back

from the dead. Something like that.

>> [laughter]

>> What? A SECOND VERSE? SURE.

OH, I'M JUST A SKELETON GRANDMA magic

hat upon my head.

>> [applause]

>> Right? Cuz she took it off. She took it

off.

She took She took it off.

>> [laughter]

>> She took the hat off.

I'm just going to keep saying that my

>> [laughter]

>> till my knee stops throbbing.

>> [laughter]

>> Is there feedback Sam is that me? Are we

okay?

Can I continue? All right.

You know what that just shot my

confidence.

That just shot my confidence right then

and there. Dave that just shot my

confidence.

Oh [ __ ]

You know what guys

uh

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want

to do this.

But I I have this tape of me giving me a

pep talk and I

>> [laughter]

>> We'll just turn off turn off turn off

turn off the cameras and then we'll just

do this pep talk and then

Sorry guys. Uh can you play it Sam?

Thanks. It just will help me

get back. Oh hey buddy it's me.

It's me. Well you.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay. Now remember all we talked about

earlier right? Stay calm deep breath

and just do your jokes.

>> Right. Right. Be confident. Why don't

you start off with the one about the

dinosaur?

>> Okay. It will kill.

>> So did you guys ever notice with

dinosaurs they always [laughter] come

out and go Oh I didn't Probably pretty

good I think.

>> space.

Okay. Now that you've got them all

warmed up why don't you try the one

about the old lady?

>> Uh did you I think they're really going

to like that one. Do you ever notice

with

>> it go? I didn't leave enough space.

They're still laughing at it.

Okay. Now you've got them.

Now please hit them with the A material.

Oh there's someone at the door. It's

Someone at the DOOR SAM IT'S

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME? GET ON the

floor.

What's happening TO ME?

>> YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT?

GET ON THE FLOOR. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO

ME?

PLEASE DON'T [laughter] PLEASE DON'T

HURT ME.

I HAVE I HAVE MONEY AND

SHUT UP.

PLEASE I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

>> YOU WANT. SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.

THIS is a message from Polly.

>> No. See you in hell.

>> [laughter]

>> Wait a minute.

If that was me I would HAVE BEEN SHOT.

>> OH MY GOD.

OH MY GOD.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

[laughter]

>> THAT WAS ACTING.

>> [laughter]

>> YEAH. THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN TAKING ACTING

classes and uh

I really want to get out of this

stand-up thing and uh

So I've been just trying to branch out.

Taking some acting classes. I've I've

also been taking improv and uh

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah it's so fun.

Anyway

uh

>> [laughter]

>> There's No this guy I met this guy

Mitch. He's an ex-con and uh

he was in jail for like 15 years and

then he got out and he turned his life

around. So there's this improv class and

I've been taking it uh like every other

Tuesday and stuff. So it's like

>> [laughter]

>> It's so fun.

>> [laughter]

>> We're going off the rails here. All

right.

Uh okay

Okay. Uh

it's just like audiences come into

improv and they're just so open.

They're just so open they're just like

oh my god you're a doctor you're you're

just so open. When you come into

stand-up you're

>> [laughter]

>> What are these sentences you wrote

months ago? It's like so annoying.

Just tired of it and then anyway okay.

Roll the cameras again. Uh

>> [laughter]

>> Back to the show.

Like anybody can do improv. That's the

thing right? Like

>> [laughter]

>> there's an accountant in my class

there's like a a widow

Like her scenes aren't really that funny

but she's going through a lot.

>> [laughter]

>> Anyway back

Okay. Back to the

show. So

uh

I'm only a level one. Like [laughter]

there's

Like there's levels you go through. Like

I'm only level one you can go all the

way to level 12 or something. Anyway

Like back What am I doing?

All right. Back to the stand-up. Okay.

Doing improv. WHAT?

>> [laughter]

>> WHAT?

>> [laughter]

>> YOU can't Guys stop chanting doing

improv.

>> [laughter]

>> Dave we can add that in post right?

Where they're chanting cuz these dumb

[ __ ] don't seem to know that they're

supposed to say doing improv.

Just say it. YEAH OH MY GOD WHAT?

OKAY.

OKAY.

>> [cheering]

>> That's too much.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay. All right. Um okay keep the

cameras off. Uh

We'll get back to the special in a

minute. Um okay. So um

I'm so nervous. Uh

but thank you for the support on this. I

god I wish Mitch

uh the ex-con I wish he was here to see

this. It would be so Okay yeah. Okay. So

uh remember I'm only a level one so um

as a level one um I'm not allowed to

take suggestions from the audience.

>> [laughter]

>> So

It's in the

It's in the rule book. It's in the rule

book.

So I'll just improvise a scene and then

and then we'll just get back to the

special. So

>> [laughter]

>> um

So what Okay so what about if I don't

know uh

Let's say I'm hosting a children's show

all right? And it's about and let's say

it's about animals and um uh oh we'll

call it Safari Time.

>> [applause]

>> Okay.

And

uh oh and Mitch the ex-con he says that

>> [laughter]

>> he says that you're supposed to have

like um something your character's

dealing with in their personal life

while they're trying to accomplish the

thing they're doing in the scene right?

So like um okay so let's say he's um

Oh I know. Let's say he's also trying to

get a better deal with his mechanic.

>> [laughter]

>> HOW'S HE GOING TO JUGGLE THAT RIGHT?

>> [laughter]

>> OKAY. SO UM

UH I'VE improvised this hat

>> [laughter]

>> and I've improvised this vest.

You're right to laugh. You can't

>> [laughter]

>> You you can't improvise a vest or a hat.

Okay.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay. So um I've also improvised a theme

song. So here we go.

We go to Safari Time. All right. Here we

go. Play it Sam.

Safari Time.

Safari Time.

>> [music]

>> Hey Sam can you turn off for a second?

>> Safari Time. Hey Sam can you turn off

for a second?

>> [laughter]

>> Guys

Like I know I I'm only a level one and

you're not improvisers but

>> [laughter]

>> you're excited to be at Safari Time.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay.

Like normally you don't restart an

improv.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay.

Okay. Play it Sam.

>> [cheering]

>> SAFARI TIME.

>> [applause]

>> SAFARI TIME.

>> [music]

>> SAFARI TIME.

SAFARI TIME. OKAY. Um

The eagle-eyed amongst you might be like

I think you improvised the song too

long.

>> [laughter]

>> Cuz I was standing here looking like an

idiot for a bit there. You noticed I can

tell.

>> [laughter]

>> So I'm just going to I'm just I think if

I start further away

with more real estate then I can

Okay. I'm going to start here okay? You

remind me that I started here. Okay

great. Okay play it Sam.

Here we go. THAT'S BETTER.

>> [music]

[cheering]

>> SAFARI TIME.

>> [music]

>> SAFARI TIME.

>> HEY KIDS I'M BRANDON.

No

guys

>> [laughter]

>> You know what's You know what's really

shitty? Is to be built me up and be

like, "Do an improv. Do an improv."

>> [laughter]

>> And then I say, "Hi, Brandon." and not

one of you said, "Hi, Brandon."

>> [laughter]

>> Like you've seen TV shows.

You know what? It's not It's

>> [laughter]

>> Where was I? Where was I? Where did I

start? Where did I start? Right here?

Okay, PLAY IT AGAIN.

>> [music]

[music]

>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.

>> [groaning]

>> GUYS, I UH I

I think Mitch told me he was an ex-con

in confidence.

>> [laughter]

>> You were rolling, right?

You were rolling, right, Dave?

>> [laughter]

>> PLAY IT AGAIN.

>> [cheering]

[music]

[applause]

[music]

>> HEY, KIDS, I'M STEVE.

>> HI, STEVE.

NOW, some of you

might be going, "WHERE'S BRANDON?"

>> [laughter]

>> GUYS, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT IMPROV.

>> [laughter]

>> You got it.

OKAY, PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM.

>> [music]

[music]

>> SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

SHUT UP.

>> [music]

>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.

IT'S SAFARI TIME.

YEAH, I know. That's way too much.

>> [laughter]

[applause]

>> Some of you forgot. He's also trying to

get a better deal with his mechanic.

Come on, guys.

Honestly, there's only two balls in the

air.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> YEAH.

>> [music]

>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.

HEY, KIDS, I'M BRANDON. HI, BRANDON.

I'M NOT HURT. I'm not hurt.

That's called an acting choice.

It just gives [laughter] It just

It just gives Brandon more layers.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> Guys, I swear this is the last time.

>> [laughter]

>> Or it's 45 more minutes of that.

>> [laughter]

>> I don't know.

>> [cheering]

>> I don't know.

Where was I? Where was I?

Where was I? Right here? Right here?

Okay. OKAY, PLAY IT AGAIN.

>> [music]

[cheering]

[cheering]

>> IT'S SAFARI TIME.

>> HEY, KIDS, I'M BRANDON. HI, BRANDON. ONE

SECOND, KIDS.

And that's a GREAT PRICE.

>> [laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

>> OH MY GOD. I MEAN I mean overall like a

couple of hiccups, but

>> [laughter]

>> Guys,

here's the thing about improv.

You should learn about the character

before you cheer them on.

>> [laughter]

>> Brandon was getting his white van fixed.

>> [laughter]

>> Yeah.

You've been cheering on a pedophile this

whole time.

That's disgusting.

>> [laughter]

>> That is really disgusting that you guys

were doing that. I mean, he pulled a

hammy chasing kids IN THE PARK.

>> [laughter]

>> THE SIGNS were all there.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> I spend a lot of time in graveyards.

>> [laughter]

>> Are you going to sit cool the whole

show?

>> [laughter]

>> This is a cool ass sitting spot.

In my town, there's a graveyard uh and

one of the headstones says David Bowie

on it. And this David Bowie died in

1937.

I think about this [ __ ] guy all the

time.

>> [laughter]

>> He never knew

the David Bowie we all know.

He never knew the David Bowie we all

know. He lived his whole life as David

Bowie. He would have been on his

deathbed surrounded by his friends and

family and they would have been like,

"You

were an amazing David Bowie.

>> [laughter]

>> There is never ever going to Right,

guys? There's never

There's never going to be a better David

Bowie than you."

>> [laughter]

>> He would have died so cocky, right?

He would have just showed up in heaven

going, "Hey, I'm here. [ __ ] David

Bowie."

>> [laughter]

>> Cuz he has nothing to compare it to.

Years later, God had had enough.

>> [laughter]

>> He was like, "Saint Peter, have you met

that [ __ ] David Bowie?

So cocky.

I'm going to I'm going to teach him a

lesson. You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to send down to Earth two Davy

Jones.

>> [laughter]

>> One of the Davy Jones is going to grow

up and and join a band called the

Monkees.

>> [laughter]

>> The other Davy No, it's not.

Just listen.

>> [laughter]

>> The other Davy Jones

will grow up and want to get into music,

but won't want to be associated with

that Davy Jones and then he'll change

his name to David Bowie.

That'll show that guy."

>> [laughter]

>> Well, God, I think you could just make

another David Bowie. Saint Peter,

>> [laughter]

>> I work in mysterious ways.

>> [laughter]

>> Now, the first David Bowie

has to watch from heaven

>> [laughter]

>> as this new David Bowie, frankly, knocks

it out of the [ __ ] park.

>> [laughter]

>> He's probably going to try to get people

on his side up there, right? Just be

like, "Yeah, no, it's a He's a

He's a good David Bowie. Like [laughter]

Yeah, the music's good and everything.

Um

but did you see Labyrinth?

>> [laughter]

>> It's not a great punchline because not a

lot of people have seen the 1980s film

Labyrinth.

>> [laughter]

>> And those that have, I don't want on my

side.

>> [laughter]

>> If you haven't seen it, uh David Bowie

is in purple tights the whole movie and

you can see his big dick in there.

[laughter]

But and you can't look away cuz all the

Muppets are dancing around at waist

height.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> The world's broken.

The world is broken.

Do you know how I figured out I figured

out the world was broken in the

strangest way? I was on the internet and

I was on YouTube and I was looking up

the karaoke version of Bette Midler's

song The Rose.

And this is what happened to me. I was

like, "How many I wonder how many people

have commented underneath the karaoke

version of The Rose?"

Probably I was saying probably one or

two, like maybe like, "What key is

this?" Right?

>> [laughter]

>> Sam, can you play The Rose?

Now, obviously this is not The Rose. I

CAN'T AFFORD THE ROSE.

"MISS YOU. LOVE YOU, MOM." 18 likes.

Guys, are you getting this?

>> [laughter]

>> THIS IS ON THE KARAOKE version

of [laughter] The Rose.

"I miss and love you, Dad. My hero. God

took you home. I never know you I never

I know you never wanted to leave me and

I never wanted you to go. I pray you're

with your mom and dad. I know you loved

her and missed her." Guys, I don't think

you're getting this.

>> [laughter]

>> THIS IS ALL ON THE karaoke version

of The Rose.

"My heart is heavy, but I'll carry you

forever, Dad. And I pray we're tighter

again in heaven one day." Six likes.

>> [laughter]

>> "I sang this song at my grandmother's

burial service.

I also sang this song with my cousin

Nicole in the hospital cafeteria

>> [laughter]

>> when my mom and sister and I visited her

right before she died." Nine likes.

>> [laughter]

>> GUYS,

THIS ISN'T ON BETTE MIDLER'S VERSION OF

THE ROSE.

THIS IS ON THE KARAOKE VERSION.

>> [laughter]

>> "MY DAD, he took his own life."

Now, I know you're thinking, "THIS IS

NOT REAL." GO HOME AND GOOGLE

THE KARAOKE VERSION OF THE ROSE. BUT

DON'T WRITE ANY FUNNY COMMENTS. YOU'LL

[ __ ] UP MY JOKE.

"MY DADDY TOOK HIS OWN LIFE.

IT WAS covered up.

A load of BS was spun.

I saw the official coroner's report

myself.

This Wednesday will be his 22nd year in

heaven." Now, that was all in caps, so

that's like, "THIS WEDNESDAY WILL BE HIS

22ND YEAR IN HEAVEN!"

>> [laughter]

>> "I ASK IF YOU COULD please light a

candle in his memory

and just tell Jesus to please let my dad

know that he's not forgotten." 15 likes.

>> [laughter]

>> There's a reply.

"I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you and I

lit a candle. [ __ ] off, you're dead."

"Fuck off, you're dead."

What does that even look like?

Hey, hon, I'm going to the computer. I'm

going to get some karaoke songs. What do

you want me to get? For the party on

Saturday.

The Rose? Yeah, I can get The Rose.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> Took his own life.

A lot of BS was spun.

>> [laughter]

>> LIGHT A CANDLE. HON,

WHERE ARE THE CANDLES?

I KARAOKE VERSION OF THE ROSE.

I THINK THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN JUNK

DRAWER. THE WHITE ONES.

THEY'RE NOT THERE? DID WE USE THEM IN

THE BLACKOUT?

GIVE ME A SECOND CANDLE, ANYTHING. THE

KARAOKE VERSION OF THE ROSE.

>> [laughter]

>> AND THEN FINALLY, "WHAT key is this?"

>> [applause]

>> Turn it off, Sam.

>> [applause]

[laughter]

>> Those people are out there among us.

>> [laughter]

>> And I know some of you are like, "Well,

they're hurting."

And you're being sympathetic.

[ __ ] you. You're part of the problem.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> So, I I moved out of the city to get

away from people and I live in the

country and I love it. I love to sit out

at night.

It's so wonderful and peaceful. I just

sit on the porch and

listen to the crickets screaming for

[ __ ]

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> That's a weird mating thing, right?

To make the same sound over and over

again.

HEY!

>> [laughter]

>> HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

>> [laughter]

>> HEY!

>> [laughter]

>> THERE'S A SCARECROW IN MY TOWN, PROBABLY

ONE OF THE GREATEST scarecrows I've ever

seen in my life.

>> [laughter]

>> I stopped the car and looked at it.

That was an amazing scarecrow.

If that scarecrow came to life, it would

start on second base, I thought.

>> [laughter]

>> And then they put a crow on its [ __ ]

shoulder. What the That's guys, that's

the thing.

YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY NO.

YOU DON'T PUT IT. GUYS,

>> [laughter]

>> I WAS FURIOUS. I was furious.

>> [laughter]

>> I knocked on their door. I was like,

"What are YOU DOING? WHY DID YOU

DESECRATE that immaculate scarecrow BY

PUTTING A [ __ ] CROW ON ITS SHOULDER?"

HE STARTS screaming at me. He's like, "I

DON'T WANT YOU ON MY [ __ ] PROPERTY."

AND HE HAD A tiny little me on his

shoulder.

He doesn't get it.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> He doesn't get it.

He doesn't get it.

>> [laughter]

>> Do you guys ever think about how Old

MacDonald had a farm?

>> [laughter]

>> And we all sat around singing it

happily, clapping along with our

friends.

>> [laughter]

>> Just joyfully singing about this poor

man's demise.

What happened was he went pretty right

wing.

>> [laughter]

>> He alienated his three boys.

>> [laughter]

>> They left the farm and and

never spoke to him again and

he ran the farm on his own for as many

years as he could.

One night he was up in the loft of the

barn

and he fell

and he fell right on a pitchfork that

>> [laughter]

>> pierced his torso.

He just laid there bleeding out, no one

to call to because of his life choices.

>> [laughter]

>> The animals all saw him.

There was a moo moo here.

>> [laughter]

>> There [laughter] was a moo moo there.

There was a moo moo everywhere.

>> [laughter]

>> It's weird, I you only laugh when I look

at you.

>> [cheering]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[cheering]

>> Just kidding.

Just kidding. It just happened in that

moment.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> I've done this show a lot.

I just I just did it in Edinburgh,

Scotland for 27 nights IN A ROW.

>> [applause]

>> ONE NIGHT, THERE WAS TWO PEOPLE THERE.

>> [laughter]

>> I want you to imagine

safari time

for two people.

>> [laughter]

>> Two people are off. Who said that?

>> [applause]

[laughter]

>> Oh my god, that was the worst and I

lived through it. Like nothing will hurt

me ever again.

>> [cheering and laughter]

[laughter]

>> This is the last time I'll ever do this

[ __ ] show and it feels good.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> I hope if Jesus comes back

he has a sense of humor about it. Like

don't you Like imagine he comes He comes

back in just a random suburb, right? And

he just comes out from behind the couch

and does that like I was in the

basement.

>> [laughter]

>> And then someone's like vacuuming and

they're like

What are YOU DOING HERE?

>> [cheering]

>> COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

>> [applause]

>> COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

COME BACK.

>> [laughter]

>> WHOEVER HIGH-FIVED ME, YOU'RE GOING TO

BE AT HOME later and you'll be like

What am I smelling like ketchup?

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> I'm old though. I look around the house

and I'm like why do I have some of this

[ __ ]

Is anyone else at that age where you

just look around and go like I don't

know what I have I have a stack of lined

binder paper.

>> [laughter]

>> I don't I don't have a binder.

>> [laughter]

>> I'm never going TO GET THROUGH THAT.

I just started writing the longest

suicide note in the world. [laughter]

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> Um

>> [cheering]

>> Some comedians leave the guitar on

stage, but I didn't want some of you

walking in going oh [ __ ]

>> [applause]

>> I'm going to tell you a story about

Xavier McCutchins. Yeah, that one.

>> [laughter]

>> Now we could argue all night

>> [laughter]

>> but I truly believe he was the greatest

bear namer that ever lived.

>> [laughter]

>> Xavier McCutchins

the greatest bear namer the world has

ever seen.

Xavier McCutchins

naming [music and singing] bears since

he was 14.

>> [music]

>> Xavier McCutchins

Xavier my

>> [singing]

>> friend

Xavier McCutchins

naming [music] bears [singing]

until

the end.

Now Xavier at his first bear naming

meeting was a newbie.

Um

So the newbies would enter

>> [laughter]

>> uh the great bear naming hall on the

left side of the auditorium. They would

all come in single file and then uh the

trumpet would sound. Uh usually sit at

that time six

trumpet toots

uh

>> [laughter]

>> was honoring Richard It was honoring in

Richard Mullins up to that point

>> [laughter]

>> had named the most bears. But And there

was a Anyway, that doesn't matter. So

they come in.

>> [laughter]

>> They come in, hear the six toots and

then they sit down, right? And then the

elders would enter on the right side of

the great bear naming hall in their in

their caps and gowns, but I'm not

I'm not telling you anything you don't

know. They would come in

and sit down and then they would wheel

in the bear

>> [laughter]

>> that they were going to name that day.

On this day they were naming a big white

bear, right? So the elders would start

yelling out names that they should think

it should be named, right? SO THEY'D BE

LIKE I THINK IT SHOULD BE CALLED AN ICY

BEAR. WELL, I THINK IT SHOULD BE CALLED

A SNOW BEAR.

OH, PETER.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> AND XAVIER WHO WASN'T supposed to speak

raised his [music] hand and asked a

question that had never been asked in

the great bear naming hall.

Where did you find that bear?

>> [laughter]

>> And the elders were perplexed.

>> [laughter]

>> WHO IS IT?

WHO IS IT?

OH, PETER.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> OF WHAT CONCERN IS THAT TO YOU, GOOD

SIR?

>> [laughter]

>> WE FOUND IT IN THE NORTH POLE.

AND I THINK you should call it a polar

bear.

Xavier McCutchins

Xavier my

>> [singing and music]

>> friend

Xavier McCutchins naming [singing] bears

until [music]

the end.

Now the years went by

and Xavier became more adept at naming

bears.

So he got to cross from the newbie

section. He would walk across and then

in the middle they would put a pickle in

his pocket and then he would [laughter]

head over.

Isn't he that up?

>> [laughter]

>> Isn't he I just made that up. I never

did that before.

Isn't he that

>> [laughter]

>> Oh hey Mitch.

>> [laughter]

>> What?

Because of the pickle thing?

Level two?

>> [cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

>> Thank you. Thank you so much.

What? This is your one phone call.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> On this day they were naming a big brown

[music] bear.

It had just murdered some children.

Xavier was like grizzly.

Xavier

McCutchins

Xavier my friend

Xavier McCutchins

naming bears [singing] until

the end.

Now the bear naming money went right to

Xavier's head.

>> [laughter]

>> He just He got messed up, guys. He

He started doing coke and molly.

>> [laughter]

>> He was getting his dick sucked behind

the great bear naming hall.

>> [laughter]

>> And he was sucking dick.

>> [laughter]

>> He just showed up to work a mess. He was

just like black, brown.

Xavier

>> [applause]

>> Xavier McCutchins

naming bears

until

the end.

>> [laughter]

>> Xavier eventually retired. That's what

happens, you know, once the pickle rots

they have to go.

>> [laughter]

>> He felt he He felt he to give. He felt

there was still one name out there that

he just

He spent most of his days fishing.

Which just angered him more because the

fish namers [music] were brilliant.

>> [laughter]

[clears throat]

>> SALMON?

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

>> TROUT?

XAVIER McCutchins

name remains [music]

until the end.

Now, Xavier

was on his deathbed.

And his wife was by his side.

She could see in his eyes he had

something he wanted to say.

What is it, Xavier?

>> [laughter]

>> I just don't I don't do impressions. So,

like

I don't want you to be like, "That's not

Xavier McCutchins."

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> What is it?

What is it, Xavier?

>> [laughter]

[music]

>> And with his last breath

an artist till the end.

>> [laughter]

[laughter]

>> Guwallah. [screaming]

Xavier

>> [music]

>> McCutchins

Xavier, my

friend.

>> [music]

>> Xavier McCutchins name [singing] remains

>> [music]

>> until the end. Do you guys know the

words?

Xavier

>> [music]

>> McCutchins

Xavier, my

friend.

Xavier [music] McCutchins

name [singing] remains

until

the end.

Xavier

>> [music]

>> McCutchins Xavier

Xavier,

my friend. HE WAS MY FRIEND.

XAVIER

>> [music]

>> MCCUTCHINS

>> [singing]

>> name remains

>> [music]

>> until the end.

>> [cheering]

[applause]

[cheering]

[applause and music]

>> Yeah.

No.

No.

No.

We're not doing that show.

Cuz I'm going to tell you the story

about Xavier McCutchins. Yeah.

You can't do that if you've heard the

joke before, YOU DUMB [ __ ]

>> [laughter]

[music]

>> JUST TURN THIS CROWD MIC OFF. Just turn

this crowd mic off.

>> [laughter]

>> Oh, it's not picking up anything anyway?

>> [laughter]

>> Is there a

a button we can push that sort of

rotates the crowd so that

these people in the back can come out

front?

>> [music]

>> It's not real. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

None of this is real. You're a great

crowd.

I'm just playing A GUY UP THERE. BUT

REALLY, you shouldn't sit in the front.

>> [music]

>> The show's almost over.

>> [laughter]

>> That's the thing.

I think some of you will be driving home

and go, "Oh, that was fun."

>> [laughter]

[music]

>> Savari time.