All language subtitles for arrested.development.s03e12.internal.bdrip.x264-archivist

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was preparing his sister...

for her upcoming deposition
in the case against their father.

If they say, "Did you know of any
financial improprieties?� you�ll...

Unbutton my shirt a bit
and give 'em this look.

- Not really sure what you're goin' for.
- I drank a lot last night.

- Why were you drinking? - If I look like
a man who made love to his wife last night...

- it's because I almost did.
- That's why.

But Tobias had
a low tolerance for alcohol.

Oh, you look very hands...

So you just finished off the bottle?

I had to. It's vodka.
It goes bad once it's opened.

I think that's another
one of Mom's little fibs.

You know, like,
"I'll sacrifice anything for my children."

Speaking of Mom, she really
doesn't want me to do this deposition.

You have to, Lindsay.
Sorry. You've been subpoenaed.

I'm afraid I might not be able
to be deposed either.

I got a call out of the blue for a chance
to play a very important part...

in... The Prosecution.

- The prosecution called you?
- I assume it's a CBS procedural.

They didn't send sides, so I thought I'd trot out
a Vagina Monologue or something else I know.

They did ask for old photos
and documents...

so I went and got these
out of the secret room... Oop.

"The prosecution" is not a TV show.

It's clearly somebody in the D.A.'s office
trying to get you to flip.

These guys will bend the law
to enforce the law.

Tell me that's not a CBS franchise.

I'm serious. Why else would they
want all these documents?

For set dressing, silly.

Those Hollywood shows
are so incredibly detailed.

You're gonna tell them you're not interested.
We all have to be careful.

The prosecution's gonna be
coming after all of us.

- Including me?
- You don't have any secrets.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I...

Um, hey, uh, speaking of that.

It's actually her birthday soon...

so I thought we could all
do something for her.

- Whose birthday?
- Maeby's.

I was changing the subject. We... No.
Yeah, we weren't talking about Maeby.

But she's been feeling kind of
left out of the family lately...

and I thought maybe we could
throw her a surprise party.

Actually, he'd already told her about it.

I just poured Mom into bed.

- Would it kill her to let some vodka go bad?
- No. Vodka doesn't...

It's my birthday in a week,
and I bet you they don't even know.

They forget every year.
I should just move out.

But they're planning
a surprise party for you.

They wouldn't forget your 16th birthday.

Oh, my gosh.
Our little girl's turning 14.

- Sixteen actually.
- Well, I am off to buy the perfect present.

- Maybe she'd like a suit like this.
- That is her suit.

- They probably don't make it in a woman's style.
- They only make it in a woman's.

Well, I'm off, my love.

- You see? Sometimes, shame can be fun.
- Shame?

Secrets. You... You said "shame."

He said "shame."

How does he know about her?

Didn't he just say Gob
should be ashamed of himself?

No, but give it a while. Somebody will.
What's all that for?

- It's for my out-of-town act.
- Out of town, Gob?

- The prosecution is watching every move we make.
- I'm just going to Iraq.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

No, you're not. Dad is up on treason charges
for building homes in Iraq.

- It's a USO tour.
- You're not going.

I'm doing my Christian magic act
my religion girlfriend helped me work out.

I dress up like Jesus, walk on water,
which you've seen.

- I'm gonna do the wine into water.
- It's water into wine.

Then I've just emptied out
all your wine bottles...

and filled them
with fake stuff for nothing.

Great. How am I supposed
to have sex with my husband now?

Gob. We got the depositions.
You're not goin' to Iraq.

You're just jealous
that I am the son...

that the father has asked
to do his work in the Holy Land.

- So Dad is behind this.
- And he won't bump me up to business class.

Later that day,
Tobias met with the prosecutor, Wayne Jarvis.

...a flower in my garden,
a mystery in my panties.

This is not an audition
for a CBS show.

- I was just looking for some feedback.
- It was a little contrived.

Now, we think we can
offer you a good deal...

if you provide evidence
that puts George Bluth behind bars.

I'll tell you what else is contrived...
the odds I would turn on my family...

for somebody who is not
only trying to hurt them...

but who wouldn't know good acting
if it marched through that door...

and gave them head shots
and decorative soaps.

And as Tobias waited for the elevator...

he noticed an interesting flyer
promising the perfect gift...

for the daughter who didn't
feel part of the family.

- He took the bait.
- He's a classic scrapbooker.

Right down to the woman's suit.

Michael went to confront
his father about Gob's trip to Iraq.

Everyone knows you built homes
for Saddam Hussein. Tell me what's going on.

For the millionth time,
I was a patsy.

I gotta find a loophole
to get out of this...

but Buster took coma
and your mother took rehab.

Hey. You goin' to rehab again?

I'm bringing Lindsay.
I'm worried about her.

Did you get the corkscrew?

I see there's gonna be wine
at the rehab, huh?

Wine only turns into alcohol
if you let it sit.

How do you come up with these?

I'll meet with the prosecutor,
ask for a postponement.

But I'm gonna have to go on the record
about why you two aren't there.

If you make a liar out of me,
we're gonna be in big trouble.

- This constant bickering is gonna
put me in a coma. - Nice try, Dad.

Buster was finding his fake coma hard to sustain.

It takes a lot of courage
to endure what they put you through...

especially since your mother
saw that Web site.

Buster was not only providing
medical students...

a live body to learn on...

That's okay. Try again.
No. That's a tendon.

He'd be screaming right now.
That's okay. Try again.

He'd also served as a human canvas
for aspiring beauticians.

That's okay. You put too much collagen
in there. No, no. Try it again.

And a much-needed set of teeth
for a dental program...

Designed to encourage at-risk youth.

That's okay, Turf.
No. Try again.

You've got your forearm
on this windpipe, Dog Bone.

- It really was amazing for their self-esteem.
- I did it.

Even Buster was moved.

But he endured it all for Adelaide.

I love you, Buster.

What I would give to hear you say
you love me too...

even if it meant you'd been
faking this whole time.

Speak to me.
Say anything, my love.

Anything?

Faker!

I wasn't faking my love for you.
I didn't want to testify at my dad's trial.

- Well, you're a coward.
- No!

Adelaide, how could you
let this happen again?

I wish you'd come to,
or don't you care about me?

- Of course I care about you.
- You faker!

How could I let this
happen to me again?

Take a single step
to show me your love, Gary.

Aw! Faker!

She was wrong on that one.

It was love
that made Gary take that step.

Who ever said vegetables
were good for your heart?

No, no. No, please.

Of course, he hadn't used his legs in three weeks.

And Michael met with Wayne Jarvis.

I apologize for the rest of my family
not being here.

They wanted to testify,
but they all have perfectly legal excuses.

And I can assure you
that no one is hiding.

Michael, your mother and your sister
are not in a rehab center.

- Where are they really?
- We don't know.

But we do know the two people
who checked into Shady Pines...

under the names Lucille Bluth
and Lindsay F�nke are not your relatives.

Also, for someone in a coma...

your brother Buster has made an impressive
15 phone calls to radio stations...

alternately requesting "I Will Survive� and...
What was the other one?

- "She's Out of My Life."
- "She's Out of My Life."

As for your brother Gob
in the USO...

- Don't tell me he's not in Iraq?
- No, he's there.

In fact, Michael,
he's on the news... right now.

Are bees better
at sniffing out drugs than dogs?

I'm sure it's coming right up.
They've been playing it all day.

And they deliver
insulin right to my door.

I'm sure it's right after
this series of ads.

It's, like, every time
you turn on the TV, it's there.

- Why don't we just go online?
- Cool your Japanese jets.

- An insurgent in Iraq from
Orange County, California? - It's on.

Why he's being held in jail and why
he won't be coming home anytime soon.

And imagine the impact if that had come on
right when we turned on the TV.

Michael had been called
to sign his brother out of the hospital.

You can stop pretending to be in a coma.
We heard your requests on the way over.

I'm not faking it, Michael.
I really am this expressionless.

My love thinks I'm a coward...

just because I was using precious
hospital resources to avoid my legal obligation.

That does say coward.
We've got bigger problems.

- Gob is locked in a prison in Iraq.
- What?

- So he's actually in an Iraqi prison?
- No. It's US run.

- Oh.
- God knows what they're doing to him.

Mom and Lindsay
are pretending to be in rehab.

I can't get ahold of Dad, and I have
to fly to Iraq myself to get Gob.

- Do you have to go by yourself?
- Let me go with you.

I was trained by army.
I speak the language.

You speak Arabic?

- What's that mean?
- I was just clearing my throat.

But I think it actually
does mean "laundry."

Like a child's laundry.
We don't really have a word for it.

But this is exactly what I need
to prove to my love...

that I am a hero,
not a coward.

I have my uniform here.
Mother brought it for the photo shoot.

Would you be back in time
for Maeby's surprise party?

Probably not.
We'll do something when I get back.

Why don't you drive the stair car home.
Buster and I will leave from here.

- Be careful.
- Hey. Who's tougher than us?

Close one.

The depositions had been delayed...

but the prosecution was about to get
a Lord & Taylor bag full of evidence.

We supply the glitter,
the glue, the crepe paper...

and the ready-made template pages
for you to decorate and fill out with...

My Favorite Birthday,
Foreign Bank Statements...

and, of course... shh...
Family Secrets.

The scrapbooking sting
had helped the DA gather evidence...

against people as diverse
as Ken Lay...

Oliver North...

but, ironically, not Martha Stewart.

So dig up whatever you can,
and remember...

photocopies are not
admissible as memories.

Sir, I'm gonna have to go to
our old family storage unit in Reseda.

No problem. We can arrange for a helicopter
to take you there right now.

Wow! This is the best free
scrapbooking class I've ever taken.

Meanwhile,
Lindsay and Lucille were at a spa in the desert...

avoiding both rehab
and their depositions.

Four saunas, three steam baths,
Olympic-sized pool...

and you're telling me
there's no alcohol?

What the hell are we
supposed to do for two days?

I could take the top off this grape juice,
and maybe by morning...

- Oh, for God's sake, Lindsay! Grow up!
You're 40 years old. - Thirty-five.

Well, maybe this will be nice. Hmm?

We can talk and...
connect a little.

- I must have a Xanax.
- I'll go score some weed from the staff.

And Michael and Buster
checked out of the hospital.

I can't believe they wouldn't
give me a wheelchair ride.

You're gonna be sitting on a plane
for 18 hours to Iraq.

Yeah, I should definitely
get one for the airport.

You're going to Iraq?

Yes. I'm going to save my brother.

So you are brave after all.

Fighting for your brother. Oh, Buster,
you're such a!@%$#.

- That means she likes you.
- It's more than "like."

I'd give anything
to have you stay here.

Then I will stay here.
I was scared to go anyway.

- Faker!
- Oh!

- I knew you were no good.
- Than I shall go... to forget you.

- Oh, Buster, don't go.
- I don't wanna go.

I'm gonna save everybody a lot of trouble
and say that we are going. Come on.

When I miss your lips, I'll put a fig
in my mouth and think of you.

- They have figs over there, right?
- I'll wait for you.

- What's this?
- Cab driver said he went into a coma...

as soon as they
pulled up to the hospital.

What a brave man.

And soon the Bluth boys...

found themselves in a strange land.

What did he say?
Where are we?

He said he was taking
surface streets to LAX.

The freeway's backed up all the way
to Knott's Berry Farm.

George Michael, meanwhile,
got ahold of Maeby's address book...

to invite all her friends
to her sweet 16.

He did, however, decide against
some guests he found threatening.

I don't think Steve Holt
has to come to this.

And yet he did invite Mickey Rourke.

And the guys finally did get to Iraq...

but Buster's Arabic
was a little rusty.

And instead of a cab, he hired them
the only rickshaw in Baghdad.

Are you ready
for Operation Hot Brother?

I'm not ready to call it that.

They arrived at the prison the Americans
were training Iraqis to run.

No. What'd you forget?

Walk them through the...
The what?

- The metal detector.
- That's okay. Try again.

My God! You came!

- Okay, okay.
- Oh, I missed you, Michael!

- All right.
- Or should I say "robot"?

- What, 'cause I'm not crying? - Maybe you
don't have enough RAM to understand this...

but there's such a thing
as brotherly love.

What's he doing here?
I thought he was in a coma.

I was trying to prove
to this nurse that I'm brave.

I need to get a picture of me with the insurgent.
I can send it on my phone.

Why were you arrested
by the Americans?

I was doing a little off-mission street magic,
trying to make a few dinars.

And that is why Jesus
was often referred to as...

"the king... of kings."

Queens. The king of queens.

Now I would like you to behold
one of the late, great Jesus's biggest illusions...

The burning bush!

Bush? Burn Bush?

- Burn Bush!
- Burning Bush!

Burn Bush!

The security forces arrived to suppress...

what appeared to be
an anti-American demonstration.

That's okay. Use your foot. The thigh bruises.
What doesn't? Try again.

So you weren't doing
anything for Dad?

He had said, if I happened to be
in the neighborhood of Sadr City and Mamoon...

would I mind torching
a couple model homes?

Dad's just trying to keep information
out of the hands of the Iraqis.

I have a feeling he was trying to keep information
out of the hands of the federal marshals.

I'm gonna go collect my things
and say my good-byes.

- You guys check me outta here.
- You're an enemy combatant.

It's not gonna be that easy.
I'll talk to them...

but you might wanna prepare
for a long stay.

Oh, shoot. I forgot
to say good-bye to Yusef.

That was a lot easier than I expected.
Almost too easy.

Why aren't we going to the airport?

I wanna check out this house Dad
asked you to burn down, see what he's hiding.

I think that's it, sir.

- Buster, this guy speaks English.
- No. I swallowed a moth.

I'm sorry it took so long...

but the Cheney Expressway was backed up
all the way to Halliburton Drive.

Let's see what all the mystery's about.

That's when Michael found someone...

the U.S. Government
had been able to depose.

- Hello?
- Take my picture!

Take my picture!

Michael was in Iraq
when he came across a familiar face.

- Are you, uh...
- I am Saddam Hussein...

look-alike.

- Who are you?
- I'm Michael Bluth.

These are my brothers
Buster and Gob Bluth.

Bluth? Is he here to fix
the air conditioning?

- Are you both Saddam Hussein look-alikes?
- Hardly. Invite them in.

I am behaving
like an Uday look-alike.

Come on in.
Come on in, guys.

I'd always heard that there
were Saddam Hussein look-alikes.

I'm just a little surprised to see you all
living here in... in one house...

that looks so similar to ours.

- Scar on that one dude's forehead's
gotta be a problem. - That's Achmed.

Never stop watching the trial.
We are all following it pretty closely.

They put this guy away,
you guys are out of a job, huh?

Yes. We wanted to keep the house
for just one more season.

- I have a baby on the way.
- I do a better Saddam than this guy.

- My Saddam would show his teeth.
- Yes, to chew the scenery.

So Michael decided the least he could do...

was take a look
at the air conditioning.

But before he did,
he decided to see...

if there was a secret room
in this model home as well.

And that's when Michael
discovered the bombshell.

Buster.

Back at the American model home...

none of the invitees
had shown up for Maeby's party.

- Surprise.
- That's what I figured.

So, did you send one of these
to everyone in my address book?

Yeah. I'm really sorry
they didn't come.

- I don't know what happened.
- I do. They found out I was 16.

And a lot of us just didn't
want to drive down to Orange County.

- What are you talking about?
- This cost me my job, George Michael.

I was a studio executive.
I made movies.

- Is that why you've been so stressed out
all the time? - Have I been?

You know what? I'm a kid.
I'm gonna start acting like one.

- What, you're gonna drink?
- Do you wanna join me?

I guess if you can run a studio...

But they didn't know
it was the fake wine from Gob's magic show.

- It's good.
- And back in Iraq.

- What is this?
- Looks like a mid-range nuclear warhead.

It has a range capacity
of 4,000 to 5,000 nautical miles.

You've got a pretty sophisticated
knowledge of this technology.

My God. It makes me wanna
have an ice cream cone.

- Doesn't this make you wanna
have an ice cream cone? - It does.

You'll have plenty of time
for ice cream in prison.

Ice cream sandwiches.

- CIA, undercover.
- CIA. Of course.

This explains why it was so easy
to get you out of prison.

I knew that, if he got out,
he would lead us...

right to whatever
your dad was hidin'.

They'd even
created opportunities for this to happen.

- Get in the cell, stupid.
- You're... You're...

You're the one who didn't
even shut the door. Come on!

Yeah. You guys can run
this place without us.

As... As soon as you stop
dropping your keys! Come on!

They'd even staged something
called an "honor marathon"...

- they thought he was sure to take advantage of.
- Come on.

We've been lookin' for WMD's for years.

WMD's? This thing is as fake
as Achmed's mustache. See?

Yeah, look. It's a HomeFill.

It's the company that makes the fake stuff
we fill the model homes with.

- What the hell?
- What is that, a recording device?

This is our stuff.
I gotta call this in.

Buster? Please?

Baker.

It doesn't sound like CIA East.
I'll check with CIA West.

Did we bug a house in Mamoon?

Yeah. We got some guy
named George Bluth...

to build houses there
so we could wire them.

Oh, look. I'm Uncle Buster.

I'm sorry no one
from the family came.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't
even part of the family.

- No, don't...
- Yes.

I've never wanted
to say this, but...

you might not even
be related to us.

- No?
- 'Cause Gangy once said to me...

your mom might not have
ever even been pregnant with you.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

No. I'm, uh... I wouldn't.

Everyone still loves you.

Some more than others.

And perhaps it was the fake wine...

but that was the night George Michael
and Maeby went to second base.

So my dad was a patsy?

We call them "unintentional
operations victims," but yes.

We ran the whole operation
through a British building company.

They contacted my dad
for the plans.

I can't believe it.
After all of that, he wasn't lying.

Look, we feel terrible.
Because this is really our mistake.

But I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to take you guys out.

- Take us out?
- What?

I could really go
for some Italian.

There is an Olive Garden
in Mamoon.

I think he means
to shoot you in the head.

But please, at least let him
look at the air conditioning.

If you're worried about us talking,
we will not say a word.

Don't be mad, but I have been sending
the pictures from my cell phone to my friend.

- Not now, Buster.
- He does not know what he's saying.

- You have?
- Uh...

Well, who knows
who she sent them to?

- Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
- Hmm?

- Looks like you are a hero, Buster.
- We both are.

- Well...
- Okay. Looks like you got us.

What can the US government
do for you?

We're gonna need some business class
tickets home... and direct flights.

None of this
stopping in Phoenix!@%$-!@%$.

And more importantly,
maybe we can drop...

some of these treason charges
against my father.

And I do believe there was
some mention of some ice cream.

And so, with Operation Hot Brother a success...

our American heroes left Iraq.

Take Condoleezza Rice Lane. It's quicker.

Mission accomplished.

On the next
Arrested Development.

Tobias gives his daughter the gift
he'd stayed up all night making.

And here's a picture
of your mother pregnant.

And here's a whole series
of your head starting to crown.

Look at you...
so full of wonder and shock.

You still do it.
And so does he!

Boy, you guys really are related.

And Michael and Gob
make an interesting discovery.

I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy.

The real Saddam
has a scar on his head.

- I'm no scar. I'm no scar.
- Oh, my God.

Dot com.