Original subtitles

It's Arrested Development.

Michael Bluth believed he�d just made a shocking discovery.

That might be an older sister that we've never met.

Wow. Look at the beak on that bird.

Michael found the picture in a secret room...

while looking for incriminating evidence against his father.

I have an older sister?

- Don't you kind of remember having an older sister? - Not at all.

- What, do you? - A little bit. I mean, "Nellie" does sound familiar.

- Mom and Dad clearly were trying to keep this hidden from us. - But this could be anybody.

This could be a deformed neighbor or...

A child that Mom and Dad gave up for some reason...

and whose identity they're now using to pin their crimes on.

The prosecutor said that there was that account with money in it labeled "N. Bluth."

Her name is Nellie.

Do you remember when you thought there was a mysterious Mr. "F" out to get you?

Yeah, but that was retard... misguided.

This is different. This is N. Bluth.

Well, why don't you just go to Dad and ask who Nellie is, point blank?

So he can just cover it up and lie?

I can't stand to hear one more lie out of this family.

Ah, there's the woman I'm sexually attracted to.

Okay. But that's the last one.

- Well, I'm off to the gym to prepare for our tryst. - Tryst?

Yes, Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.

- You can just say intercourse. - We talked about it last night.

After a disappointing attempt at lovemaking.

Ah, this isn't going to happen. I just want you to be satisfied.

Oh, T., you're always thinking of others.

I tried that. It didn't work either.

You know, maybe I would be more attracted to you if you were in better shape.

You know, if you were just more muscular, masculine.

- Does that make me shallow? - No.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Maybe we should take a little time to work on ourselves...

and then we'll plan a special night in seven or eight days.

- Or a couple of weeks. - Let's say three weeks.

- We're gonna go for it in a month. - At the start of next month.

And we're gonna call it a 31-day month.

Even though this particular month has 30 days.

Oh, you know, I've already prepared a list of "won'ts."

Oh, you're not gonna believe this. My list of "can'ts."

Marital love can be so romantic.

- What's that supposed to mean? - What?

"Marital love." You were looking right at me, and you said "marital love." Why would I...

George Michael was interested because earlier that day...

he discovered that the recent mock wedding he'd acted in with his cousin Maeby...

- We're married? - was, in fact, as real and binding...

as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them.

- I was talking to your aunt and uncle. - Of course.

They're married too... Each other.

Oh, please. Pity the fool who gives me a bunch of jibber-jabber about romance.

My religious girlfriend just dumped me, and for a simple little misunderstanding.

If someone was always asking you to embrace the Holy Trinity, what would you think they meant?

Gob thought it meant a three-way.

What? I thought that's what all you guys lived for.

What about you? You game?

- Well, maybe she just wasn't for you. - Which one?

I really wasn't paying attention.

The real problem is she keeps saying that God is gonna show me a sign.

The... something of my ways. "Wisdom"?

It's probably "wisdom." Gob, listen, can I ask you a question?

- Do you remember growing up with a sister? - Sister.

Uh, no, I don't.

Not really ringin' any bells.

- Other than Lindsay, of course. - Oh, Lindsay!

Well, you might not be the most reputable source on this.

- Upstairs... - What?

- George Michael was sharing his news with his cousin. - You mean we're married?

- It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything. - We should shred it.

- It's creeping me out. - Yeah, me... It's...

But if we just put it over the dresser, like we think it's a joke...

- then we would always know... - It is a joke.

Unless we get it framed.

And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.

- Michael! What a surprise. - Really? Were you expecting somebody else?

Maybe, uh, one of your two daughters?

Oh, Lindsay and Tobias never visit.

We're so bad!

I-I actually meant Lindsay and Nellie.

You call him that too?

- Oh, it's so nice to be able to talk like this. - Where's Dad?

- What's all this? - Computer stuff from the office.

Pop, you're not doin' another one of those Black Fridays? Your mass firings?

Before firing his employees, however...

George Sr. had been sure to clear the office of its valuables.

So, when do we get to see our new, fancy offices?

Soon as you get your new, fancy jobs. You're all fired.

The employees never saw it coming...

even though their first task was often to unload computers from a rental truck.

No, it's not a Black Friday, although I did enjoy those.

No, the prosecution's gonna want to have access to the hard drive...

so I just want to make sure everything's nice and clean for them.

- What the hell is that thing? - An electromagnet.

Think of it as a giant delete key.

Well, I hate to spoil your fun, Dad...

but I got backups on all of that stuff, and this is illegal.

Oh! Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold...

but I am trying to protect my family.

That's not a real gold necklace, is it?

Well, it wasn't really your 50th birthday.

You know, Dad, you can't have this stuff in here, all right?

And we don't need more trouble.

It's bad enough you got Buster faking a coma just so he doesn't have to testify.

I've been trying to get him out of that coma.

It's costing us a fortune. He's sleeping us dry.

Okay, faker, I'm cutting the cord.

I'll see ya at the snack machine.

If he knows that you don't want him in the coma, then why's he still in it?

For some reason, he won't tell me.

- He'd fallen for his day nurse. - Buster, you're so dear.

She'd found his complete lack of personality and movement enchanting.

I wish you could say something.

Course, if you did, everything would be ruined 'cause you wouldn't be as pure.

Speaking of living a lie, I don't suppose either of you have remembered who this N. Bluth is.

Not a Nick or a Nellie?

Just the one who married Lindsay.

Oh, isn't it fun to talk like this?

So Michael returned to the office, where the atmosphere was paranoid.

- Is it Black Friday? - No one's getting fired. No one's getting fired.

But we haven't been paid, and they took our computers.

This looks bad, but it's just my father trying to erase the hard drives to avoid conviction.

The company is fine. This is... This is fun though, isn't it?

They brought out all the old machines.

They've seen better days, but I'm sure they're all functional, right?

- Like Tom here. - I'm 30.

You're kidding me.

But Michael found the equipment frustrating as well.

"Gob's Program"? Idiot.

And then he noticed something else.

- Nellie. - Michael, I gotta talk to...

Oh, wow. K-Y pro, huh?

Hey, don't get any moisture on these babes.

Hey! Tobias.

Buddy, I needed that information.

This is that sister I've been lookin' for.

Just hit "print screen." I'm sure that whatever's on there will come up.

Oh, look at that.

I kind of remember these being faster, you know?

Well, we were probably all so jacked up on amyl and disco music we didn't notice.

But I'm glad about this printer lag...

because I was hoping to have a jaw session with you.

Why don't we just say as long as that means a talk?

I find myself attracted to someone who's not my wife.

- What's her name? - Michael.

- Can you believe it? - You're married to my sister.

Don't you think I know that?

- I-I'm not interested in you that way. - What way?

- Pick one. - No.

Did you think you were the Michael I was talking about? No.

- What? - No, interesting that your mind went there though.

Okay. Uh, no. I'm afraid the Michael I'm talking about is all lady.

- She's the trainer at my gym. - The trainer you started with today?

- Indeed. Can you believe she's a bodybuilder? - Indeed.

What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing?

- What am I doing? - You're nervous about becoming intimate with Lindsay again.

- I guess. - You probably should not rush into things.

Don't call this girl-Michael. Stay away from the gym.

- Just leave it alone. - Wise words, boy-Michael.

I'll tell you, if I wasn't so dripping and disgustingly sweaty right now...

I'd hop over this desk and give you such a hug.

- Hey, coulda, shoulda, woulda. - Hey, hey. No, no.

Ooh, look. Number's up. Look at that.

Ah, it would've been a seven.

Later that night, Lucille visited Buster in the hospital.

- What the hell is this? - My name is Representative John Van Heusen.

I am here to protect the dignity of this boy's life.

Dignity? Easy for you to say.

I'm the one who has to loofah his stump.

I believe death is wrong in all of its forms, except lethal injection.

But that's just as a deterrent against more death.

And this young man is enjoying life.

Hey! Hey! Huh? Hey, look at us, huh?

We're havin' a blast here, huh?

How the hell did you even find out about Sleeping Beauty here?

It was an anonymous tip from someone who cares about Buster's life.

It's not ringing any bells.

In fact, it was Buster himself.

They're trying to kill Baby Buster.

Oh, that's right... from the videos.

Well, no one's killin' Baby Buster on my watch.

That is unless, of course, it's as a penalty in a three-strikes scenario.

No one's called him Baby Buster since high school.

Michael, meanwhile...

had called one number after another until he found Frank...

- a colleague of the woman he knew as Nellie. - I'm looking for Nellie.

Yeah. Well, she's workin' a software convention at some hotel.

- I can set up a meeting at the bar, man. - Appreciate it.

So Michael arrived at the bar...

hoping to spot someone who could be his sister.

She grew into the nose. Nellie? Hey! Hi.

Michael. Frank sent me.

- I think I might be interested in your services. - You won't be sorry.

Yeah? I was hoping that maybe we could just talk a little bit first, huh?

- Yeah, most people want to. - They did talk.

And Michael felt a connection like he'd never felt with anyone in his family.

I had a locker on the first floor freshman year...

right next to the caf with all the junior lockers, so it was clearly a mistake.

- But I didn't say anything, right? - Ooh, you're bad.

I had that same locker all throughout sophomore year.

- Junior year they had me on the third floor with all the frosh. - That is wild.

I had the same combo throughout 'cause I transferred the lock. Let me tell you why.

Hey, let's see what some of the other folks are up to.

Nothing there.

Or there.

Oh, my.

Let's get back to Michael.

It was Joe Namath's number, Babe Ruth's number, then my birthday.

That is a great story.

It wasn't a great story.

Nellie was just a great listener. Most prostitutes are.

Nellie, the hell with formalities.

- I think you and I should do business together. - Me too.

Michael had just hired a woman he'd secretly believed to be his sister.

How did you get into this line of work?

But, of course, he'd also yet to figure out she was a prostitute.

I was buried in loan debt from business school, so I started whoring myself out.

Not that there weren't clues.

What do you say we go up to my room and seal the deal?

You're stayin' here, huh? I was actually hoping to get into your business tomorrow.

It would give you a chance to meet everybody in the office.

'Cause you're gonna be working for the whole staff.

- You're gonna be filling three openings. - Oh!

I heard there were a couple of girls like me consulting over at Enron.

So the next day, Michael introduced his new consultant to his staff...

who weren't that pleased to meet her.

You hired someone else? We haven't even been paid yet.

That's exactly why I hired her... to help out with the finances.

She's absolutely amazing at that stuff. Right? You do do finances and stuff, right?

- I do all sorts of scenes. - There you go. Okay, guys.

Don't be afraid to put her in any position that you want, okay?

Dave, you give her access to everything, okay?

I want you guys to think of her as Nellie Bluth, all right?

In fact, we should probably get an I.D. With that printed on it, okay?

But she did have a list of "won'ts."

We're gonna have some ground rules first, okay? No!@%$#

!@%$ing or!@%ting.

And no!@%$#% unless you're wearing a!@%$#.

Or you!@%$#% before you!@%$ me.

And if this winds up on the Web, I will!@%$ you in the!@%.

Our computers don't even work on the Internet.

Who's first?

Back at the model home, George Michael was still...

trying to make his accidental marriage work.

I thought maybe tonight we could pop in an!@%$#%@! in the old DVD player...

and sit and watch it, maybe just the two of us, husband and wife?

I'm just kidding. I mean, the State of California isn't, but...

You know, that's what makes it funny.

- I'm worried you're taking this too seriously. - Are...

Just the opposite.

What the hell is that?

I bought you a wedding ring... tone.

Opposite of serious.

And Michael was getting an update on how his newest employee, Nellie...

was working out.

Really? And all the guys like her, huh? That is... That is great.

Uh, you mean "away" though, right?

Because otherwise it sounds a little different.

But, uh, that's, uh... that's outstanding.

Real good. You forgot to say "away" again.

But, uh, listen, let me call you back in a bit, okay? Bye.

Nellie has blown them all away.

Yeah, well, I think it's crazy.

You've given her access to everything... the banking... and for what?

You're basing this on the fact she shares a name with someone you played with as a baby.

Lindsay, I can tell that it's real.

It's like that feeling that you read about twins having.

We're twins. You didn't give me access to the banking.

No, you just... you'd go out and you'd just whore it up, Lindsay, you know?

She's different. She's a little bit more like me.

- It's like we finish each other's... - Sandwiches?

Sentences.

- Why would I say... - Sandwiches?

That time I was gonna say sandwiches.

- So I guess you haven't told Nellie what you're thinking. - No, I have not.

I've been waiting for the right time.

I want to make sure she trusts me, especially since Dad is probably setting her up.

But I might want to hurry with that operation because she's charging us a fortune...

and she's got this old boss that's claiming he wants a percentage.

Yo, man, you owe me money. I ain't no dummy.

And it better be soon, or you're gonna feel my hand up your!@%$#.

So Nellie wants to meet me tonight for drinks. Maybe I'll tell her then.

That's funny. I'm going out tonight for drinks too... with an exciting new man.

Really trying to make that marriage work, aren't you?

Well, excuse me, Judge Reinhold, but I'm feeling a little pressure here.

If you had to have sex with Tobias in four months, you'd be shopping for a way out too.

I stand corrected and disgusted.

And Michael arrived for his meeting with Nellie.

- Are you Michael? - Yes.

- There's a nellie at the end of the bar wants to see you. - Great. Thank you.

- Oh, it's Tobias. - Michael.

Look, this has got to stop. I mean, flattered? Yes. Interested? Not tonight.

I-I think I-I see what's happening.

- You're meeting girl-Michael at the bar? - It was her idea.

She wanted to get a drink, and I know it's crazy.

I mean, I'm married. And the carbs.

Well, Tobias, sometimes life is about making difficult...

Sandwiches. I know.

- You read my mind. - Oh, God. Here she is.

- Next to that guy? - Uh, what guy?

That guy.

- No, that's her. - Him?

That's a girl.

I-I think the name Michael is making you look for a man.

- Think I'm lookin' at a man. - Michael.

- Yes? - Yes.

- No, I meant girl-Michael. - I'm gonna leave you two alone.

So nice to meet you, girl-Michael.

What? Yes? Hi, Nellie.

I was thinking that we could meet down here.

Uh, actually, I think I'm gonna come up.

I really need to see you.

I really want to see you too. There's something we need to talk about.

- I've always been mildly attracted to you. - What?

Let's face it. There's no denying that there's a heat between us.

- I'd like to deny that. - I know you feel it too... this burning desire.

I-I-I don't feel anything. I-I feel a burning mutual respect.

I've got an outfit that's gonna turn that respect into something fun.

Respect is fun, Nellie.

You're gonna want the respect when you hear where I... Where is the light?

- Don't touch that light! - What?

This is what happens when you steal from Frank's stable without payin'.

You want to be her pimp, you gotta settle up with me.

- Pimp? You mean that she's a... - Lady of the evening.

Working girl. She turns illusions for money.

And that's when Michael recognized the voice.

- Tricks. - Wait a minute.

Don't you do it! Ain't nobody gonna see what Frank look like!

Franklin is Frank?

Michael had just discovered that his brother...

was the pimp for the woman he thought was his sister.

What the hell is going on? Nellie is not a prostitute.

Of course she is. Oh, but I can see what the misunderstanding is.

You didn't know. Maybe we can give him a family discount!

Family discount is right. This is the sister that I've been talking about.

Maybe I should've been getting a family rate. Oh, my God!

- How do you know her? - Met up with her after a show.

- And you did things with her? - He didn't.

- I did. - Well, if you consider crying like a girl doing something.

I just want my brother to respect me, you know. I don't even have a job.

Look, I could use a man's voice on the phone, and I like your little puppet show.

Ain't so little when I take my pants off, lady.

I mean, obviously I'd take some of the cry out of that.

But I am not a pimp, Michael.

She needed protection, so I make some threats, I wear this hat...

and I collect my 10%.

Yeah, that's a pimp, and our sister is a prostitute.

- I'm your sister? - I think so.

I found you in my dad's computer.

I thought that maybe he was embezzling money and taking advantage of you.

- And that's why I hired you to do your work at the office. - Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. What... What kind of work did you do?

No wonder they were so happy.

- I'm so embarrassed! - Nellie, hang on a second.

You know, Gob, this might be that sign from God that you should change your ways.

No, I think that's gonna be something big.

Downstairs, meanwhile, Lindsay arrived at the bar for her date.

- Michael. Oh, my God! My husband! - Oh, my God! My wife!

- Are you two here for each other? - Is that what you're doing?

- How dare you! - How dare you!

- And with another man! - And with another woman!

Wait, wait. You didn't plan this together?

- I just assumed you wanted a Holy Trinity. - Absolutely not!

We're a happily married couple.

Yes, who happen to be very much in love with each other.

Well, you're still gonna have to pay Frank.

- And Michael confronted his father. - I know who N. Bluth is.

It is Nellie, and I found her.

That's your sissy cousin Larry.

Even then we knew. That's why we called him Nellie.

Do you not know that expression, Michael? I thought we were on the same page here.

It's a nice try, Pop, but in your old computer I found a Nellie.

You're tryin' to tell me that that is not my sister?

Yes. It's perfectly innocent. She's my prostitute.

I'm a red-blooded man. I have certain needs that your mom can't satisfy.

But sex wasn't one of them.

I just want my brother to hand me my money.

But he's got that hair.

Why can't I have hair and money, and him nothing?

She's not my sister. I let her into the company.

- You didn't give her access to the cash, did you? - She said she liked me.

She's a prostitute. That's her job. Oh, no. The N. Bluth account.

What? The N. Bluth account? That is your account?

Maybe. But it's only embezzlement if you spend it outside the company.

It's gone. It's empty.

- She got to it. - There goes the company.

Okay. Now, hold on now.

Let's not panic because I-I know someone who can find her.

- His name is Frank. - That's Gob's puppet.

I'm going to prison.

You haven't heard from Oscar lately, have you?

- No. - Okay.

And the next day Michael returned to the office...

to tell the employees that Black Friday had indeed arrived.

Hey, Ted. What's goin' on?

Nellie got all of us our checks and these great new computers.

Excuse me. Nellie, you did this?

I took it out of the N. Bluth account.

If you spend it within the company, it gives the prosecutors nothing.

Also, it was the only way to get myself the 10 grand that you owed me.

Ten grand? What... What did you do with these guys exactly?

They mostly just cried. You've got a real morale problem here.

You cried?

- Listen, I thought that you were going to... - Steal it?

- Yes. - But I might be your sister, remember?

The fact that you didn't steal it might actually be proof that you're not.

Even if we're not related, I think I would like for you to work here.

You're very, very good at it...

and what you do for a job is not really a great way to make a living, you know?

- I make 300 grand a year. - Marry me!

It's weird on so many levels.

On the next Arrested Development.

Gob has a religious conversion.

I've seen a sign, and I want to make this work.

A committed relationship that actually means something.

How about you? You want to do just the two of us?

And Buster's fake coma is put to its greatest test.

- Don't you die on me. Don't you die on me. - Oh, my.