All language subtitles for arrested.development.s03e04.internal.bdrip.x264-archivist

Now the story of a wealthy family
who lost everything...

and the one son
who had no choice...

but to keep them all together.

It's Arrested Development.

Michael was heading to work when he saw
something he had never seen before lunch...

his twin sister Lindsay.

- You're up?
- Yeah. I work for our attorney now.

Bob Loblaw. Of course.
What is he thinking?

- I mean, how's it going?
- Lousy.

You know, I only took this nanny job
so he'd give me a free divorce...

and then marry me so
I'd never have to work again.

But all he seems to care about
is that daughter of his.

I got my horse to canter today.
First time.

I've always wanted
to make love on a horse.

And tomorrow, we're gonna
work without a lunge line.

That's so funny, because
I can put my leg behind my head.

I mean, come on.
I'm the nanny.

Of course. Who wouldn't wanna
snog the nanny?

"Snog." Is that another
one of your new "Britishisms"?

It was. Michael had recently
fallen bum over noggin...

for a beautiful English woman
called Rita.

Did I say snog again? Bloody hell.

You wanna win over Bob, you gotta
win over the kid. Here's what you do.

You find something that you're
good at and you share it with her.

While you're at it, share it with us too,
huh? And try not to act so desperate.

Oh, my God.
Did I miss a call?

This is Rita.
Just wanted to say hi.

I'm on my way to the train station.
Bye-bye.

She's leaving.
I gotta get over there.

- Michael raced to the station...
- God, is that how I look?

Where Rita was being given her ticket.

Here's your ticket and your instructions.
Call me if you get in over your head.

Hey, hi there, Rita.
Hey! Michael.

Hi. Where are you going,
and how long you going for?

You're right. You-You...
Do not answer that.

- You know, I'm not getting clingy.
- Why are you breathing like that?

I wasn't hurrying to come stop you.

I was out on... for my daily, uh...
Do you run at all?

Oh, yes.
I was in the Olympics once.

- I won a silver medal.
- You're that Rita Leeds? Oh, my goodness!

And a silver medal, yes.
And you came in second.

Now I'm very embarrassed
to be out of breath in front of you.

But you take my breath away.

Oh, Michael.

You're such a!@%$#.

Michael was stunned.

He assumed Rita was using the word
!@%$# in the American sense...

meaning "weak" or "cowardly."

In fact, Rita meant it
in the British sense...

meaning "sweet� or "gentle,"
as in "pussycat."

The Jerries aren't so bad.
They're just being led by a rotten apple.

Oh, Reggie. Fighting for your country,
you're such a pussy.

When I miss your lips, I'll put a
@%$ in my mouth and think of you.

That also had
a different meaning over there.

Michael returned home...

hoping to take solace
in his son's company.

I was thinking you and I should
maybe go play a little catch.

Maybe go for a run.
Do some guy stuff.

- But we're not good at that stuff.
- Yes, I am. We... both are.

Michael and his son had never been...

a very successful athletic team.

In fact, the only thing
George Michael really liked...

was hanging motionless
from the monkey bars...

which the president's counsel
on fitness ranks as...

"slightly easier than the slide."

Anyway, I was just thinking that
maybe we should emphasize athletics...

a little bit more in this family.

I'm gonna start us off
with a protein drink, okay?

Still doing that, huh?

Well, l-I do think we should go
for a run, huh? Some real guy stuff.

I'm supposed to go fabric shopping
with Ann today.

I think we can go butcher.

Uh, uh, no.
We're-We're making a gown.

- She's gonna be in a beauty pageant.
- Yeah. Who's Ann?

My-My girlfriend. She's... You've met her
so many times. You've met her and met her.

I know who Annabelle is. Who's
the Ann that's in the beauty pageant?

That's her. Her name isn't Annabelle.
That's Ann.

No, I know that her name
is not Annabelle. I just...

That's how I remember her name,
'cause her body's kind of shaped like a...

She's the belle of the ball.
What is she doin' in the beauty pageant?

She's... Is she running
the lights or something?

She's in it.
She's a-a contestant.

- Sort of like an inner beauty pageant.
- Ah! There it is.

- Is it like a Christian thing?
- Well, it's half.

It's at the state fair, which this year's
gonna be a church and state fair.

It seems the state had run out of money...

and was going to cancel the fair...

until it was resurrected by this man...

who agreed to cover the fair's costs...

if it included a church presence.

I got some news for you. There's
no such thing as an inner beauty pageant.

They�re just gonna pick the chick
with the best T and A.

As a child, Maeby had been entered...

into a number of progressive pageants...

that claimed to celebrate
beauty in all its forms.

But the winners still tended to have it
going on in the conventional sense.

Remember how badly
you used to want to win?

- No, I remember how badly you used
to want me to win. - We should have...

- I don't know where that hair of yours came from.
- Shameless Plugs on Placentia.

Looks pretty good, huh? And they're
not licensed, which means big savings.

That's been happening a lot lately.

- You know what? This is the perfect thing to do.
- No, Mom, I'm not gonna do it.

No, no, not you.
Bob's daughter Hope.

If I can get Hope this crown...

maybe her father might just wanna
crown me, if you know what I mean.

I'm guessing have sex,
but that's meeting you more than halfway.

Tobias, wanna clean up that mirror?
And the vase?

Perhaps if I could coach a certain
young lady to victory in this pageant...

I can gain back
the respect of my wife.

- I'll show them a little T and A.
- You can't make me do it, Dad.

- Tobias and Ann.
- My Ann?

No, I don't... I don't think
we need any help.

Oh, George Michael, she's a girl.

I need to teach her how to be a woman.
Within her lies a queen.

Let me out that queen.

I think you just did.

- Michael.
- Gob.

Let me get that for you.
Um...

So a young neighborhood tough by the name
of Steve Holt's gonna be here any minute.

- Your son.
- According to him.

- And a DNA test.
- I heard the jury's still out on science.

Anyway, he wants to go to the fair.

But I don't wanna hurt his feelings,
so I need you to do it.

Just tell him that I'm
out of town on one of my trips.

- I'm not gonna lie to your son.
- Come on. I lie to yours all the time.

Michael, I'm not ready to be a dad.

Plus, I'm gonna be very busy this week
being a judge for the pageant.

Gob had been a pageant judge for years.

- You can't believe what it does for your sex life.
- I don't wanna hear it.

I don't wanna say it. First place chick
is hot but has an attitude.

Doesn't date magicians.
Second place is someone weird usually...

like a Chinese girl or a geologist.

But third place, although a little bit plain,
has super low self-esteem.

So I step in and, uh,
lay her crown upon my sweet head.

Have I missed this euphemism?

- Steve Holt!
- I should go.

He's hiding from me, isn't he?

You know, you gotta stop
saying your name all the time.

It's just they have this father-son triathlon,
and I just wanted him to do it with me.

- Mmm.
- Stupid, huh?

- That's a pretty tough race.
- Only for a wimp, a wuss.

- A!@%$#.
- And Steve didn't mean pussycat.

Uh, Steve, how'd you like
to do that triathlon with me?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- Uncle Mike!
- Steve Holt!

Both men felt good about themselves.

- Uncle Mike!
- Steve Holt!

But Gob didn't share their enthusiasm.

So this is how Michael
gets rid of my son... by stealing him.

Well, I'll just have
to steal something of his...

like, say, his bicycle,
as a... placeholder.

Michael was trying to prove
his manliness with Steve Holt.

Rita. Hey, it's Michael.
Just wanted to let you know...

that I'm running a triathlon at the fair,
and if you're back in town...

Oh, I can't believe I chose
this moment to call you.

Meanwhile, at the Church and State Fair...

Maeby was trying to enroll
in the pageant... sort of.

Your situation poses a problem.
Let me talk to our chairman.

- Hey, what are you doing, Maeby?
- It's Surely.

I'm just here to prove that
all these pageants care about is looks.

Just watch. Surely's inner beauty
will get trumped by her outer icky.

- What happened to your nose?
- It's part of the disguise.

Isn't it cool? The same one
Nicole Kidman wore in The Hours.

It had been purchased for her at a charity auction
she'd attended as a studio executive...

- $10,000.
- by Jamie Kennedy.

You're such a dear.

But I'm not putting you in my remake
of A Thoroughly Polite Dustup.

Miss Wolfbeak...

although it costs quite a bit
to put in a ramp for you, we got approval.

You're in.

As Maeby found herself
stuck in a beauty pageant...

Lucille was meeting
with attorney Bob Loblaw...

about getting her son
out of the army.

I mean, my God. He's already lost a hand.
If he loses a leg...

how will we ever
get him out of the apartment?

Well, the army does have
a �one in, one out" program...

where the inductee is relieved of duty
once he enlists someone to take his place.

So I'm supposed to find some poor,
innocent soul and hook him?

Well, that's not going to help
sign anyone. Where's your hand?

It got stuck in the prize hole again.

I told you not to play
that stupid game anymore.

- Ow. There goes number three.
- I wasn't playing it.

I was just trying
to get my other one back.

Hi. Sorry, sorry.
I totally forgot about this... meeting.

What's going on?

Your father's gotten a lot of bad press
because of the escape attempts.

- Volunteer for something.
- I'll do anything to get out of this!@%$#% apartment.

You'll do anything to get out of
!@%$#% in this apartment.

- Ah, you're drunk.
- Yeah, Mom, can you just...

And, Dad... You know,
why do we even need the surrogate?

- Dad's in the apartment...
- Don't come in here. Don't come in here.

Don't come in here.
I said not to come in.

- Would you get out here please?
- I'm watching the game.
- I said not to come in!

- I did not spend money on
a surrogate so you can just...
- I lost him.

I think you've got your hands full
trying to make this guy look good.

There's a "Startled Straight"
program at the fair...

which involves you speaking
with at-risk male youth...

to scare them away
from criminal behavior.

Okay. I can do that. I'm gonna need
some big, blown-up photos of your mother.

I think they're talking about
your time in prison, Dad.

Oh. Okay.
Why not?

I mean, uh, if I don't win this thing,
I'm gonna be back there anyway.

"At risk male youth."
That spells "army."

And that's when Buster
discovered a recruiting pool...

the government had been
fishing for years.

- I may head down there too.
- Yeah, I don't know, Dad.

"Startled Straight."
I'm not so sure you're the guy for that.

But I'll look into it while I'm down
at the fair signing up for a triathlon.

Triathlon?
Do you know how hard a triathlon is?

People lose control of every bodily function.
Didn't you ever see that video?

It's like your mother
on New Year's Eve.

Actually, Lucille went down faster.

You're not even in shape. You're gonna
fall apart in front of everybody.

- You're kind of scaring me, Dad.
- You see?

Perfect for this "Startled Straight" thing.

Tobias was getting Ann ready...

for the talent portion of the pageant.

I think we need something
with a little more spectacle in the act.

Something that will make you
look small and pretty in comparison.

- A camel.
- You know, she has a really lovely singing voice.

I'll sing to the camel.

Yes. We can Google some disco songs
with the word "hump" in them.

- Cute.
- No, that sounds a bit racy.

Okay. He may be afraid of sex,
but you're not going to win without it.

- No, I'm not afraid of sex.
- Oh, good.

Go have sex with this girl right now.
Do it. Go.

Get in there, have some
sex with her right now.

I didn't think so.
Ann, you need to decide...

whether you want
a man or a boy.

- I know how I'd answer.
- Give us some room, George Michael.

- I can't breathe.
- Okay, now you're upsetting the talent. Out!

Michael, meanwhile, had begun
training for the triathlon...

to keep from humiliating himself
in front of Rita.

Don't ask, "Can I?"
Ask, "I can!"

You can control your bladder
when you're dead.

No blood, no oil.
There's no "I" in win!

Michael returned confident
in his manliness...

when he ran into his son,
who was questioning his own.

How is that pageant going?

- It turns out Ann doesn't want
me around during it. - Really?

Well, now you and me can go to
that fair together tomorrow after all.

- Yeah? - Yeah, and maybe
do some man stuff like you said.

Actually, I've already signed up
for the father-son triathlon.

Oh. Okay, great. Yeah.
I did wanna do that with you.

I mean, I've already promised Steve Holt.

- You know, he's older. It's more manly.
- You don't think I'm manly?

No, no, it's just, uh...

Darn that Annabelle!
She ruins everything.

But the next morning, Michael awoke...

to discover every muscle in his body
was exacting revenge.

- Oil?
- And so was his brother Gob.

Hey, does anyone know
why my handlebars are in my bed?

The Church and State Fair
was in full swing.

And Lindsay watched with pride as Hope Loblaw...

Did an original number
that Lindsay herself had written.

And now, please welcome
Annabelle Veal...

performing "We Three Kings"
with a camel tow.

Michael arrived at the fair
sore from overtraining.

Can't really go that high.
I'm in a lot of pain here.

Yeah, you know, I figured
you'd be that way.

So, uh, Coach gave me these.
They're, uh, pills filled with oxygen.

- Yeah?
- And they keep you from being incontinent.

Have one.
They're called oxy-incontinent.

Steve didn't have that quite right.

But Michael thought Rita might be coming,
and he was desperate to impress her.

Meanwhile, Maeby was trying
to get knocked out of the pageant.

Pope impersonator, Church.
How has God influenced your life?

About just as much as Big Bird
and the Keebler elves.

Well, my faith would have been shaken
if he had taken my legs too.

Uh, Gob Bluth, State.

I was betrayed
by my brother Michael.

Who's your favorite
family member and why?

Definitely not my shallow, materialistic
mother, who only cares about looks.

I think we all feel that way about
our mothers. And we all have legs.

Meanwhile, George Sr. arrived
at the Startled Straight tent.

I'll be waiting out here
with my enlistment forms.

So go in there and scare them
right into my open arm!

But as it turns out, the fair
had two Startled Straight tents...

and George Sr. Had wandered
into the church-sponsored one...

You wanna be some guy's girlfriend?

Intended to scare gay young men
into a heterosexual lifestyle.

You wanna have some guy reach around you
in the middle of the night...

- start messing with your junk?
- Is he ugly?

No, it's pitch-black.
You don't... You don't see him.

It never stops, guys...

and everybody acts like
it's no big deal.

Is there a cover charge?

And the inner beauty pageant
was down to the final three.

Will it be
the beautiful Hope Loblaw...

the stalwart Annabelle Veal...

or the justifiably bitter
Surely Wolfbeak?

It became clear that
Surely was going to win.

I'm sorry.
This is wrong.

And that's when Maeby
displayed some real inner beauty.

One of these girls deserves to win.

She can stand!

- Maeby?
- That's how I know her.

- Let us pray.
- Oh, for God's sake.

Praise the Lord!

And Michael, now feeling a little woozy...

arrived to see the triathlon course...

which consisted of several tricycles,
five inflatable pools...

- What the hell is this?
- and fathers and sons being manacled together.

Don't let it psyche you out.
Did that oxy-incontinent set in yet?

You knew this is what
the race was?

Kind of. I mean, they change it every year
so you can't replicate it on your lawn.

Why did you let me
train so hard?

- I just thought you wanted to hang out
and do guy stuff. - This isn't guy stuff.

I don't know why I thought that
you'd wanna do this. This is stupid, huh?

No, Steve, Steve.
You're not going anywhere.

- You'll do it with me?
- We're chained together.

But, you know, Rita's not here yet,
and what the hell. Let's go win this thing.

- Let's win this thing!
- What the hell.

- What the hell!
- Let's win this thing. Let's go ahead and start up.

And after the pageant,
George Michael went to congratulate Ann.

Congratulations on coming in third.
That's amazing.

And I heard you're the first camel act
to ever crack the top 10 too...

so that's, like, a record.

And I'm a bit relieved,
because, um, I was...

I thought maybe if you came in first,
you would have outgrown me.

- Outgrown you.
- Mm-hmm.

That is the term
I've been looking for.

It seems Gob was right...

about what happens
to third place contestants.

I met a man.

George Michael was devastated.

It seemed he'd lost his girl and
his father because he wasn't man enough.

And he was faced with a choice.

Michael and Steve Holt
finished their triathlon in first place.

Of course, they were way older.

Believe it or not,
that took about everything I got.

I don't know what was in that pill,
but I do not feel so great.

- It's gonna get a little worse
before it gets any better. - Really?

- We won!
- Okay.

- Hey, possible nephew.
- Oh, hey.

Michael, your son's
signing up for the army.

What? You signed him up
for the army?

Oh, my God, you're right.
If he goes in, I can get out.

- I've gotta get my name on his form.
- Hang on! Hey!

I gotta get there.
I gotta stop this.

Hey, you gotta do this with me.
Come on.

And that's when Rita noticed Michael.

Wait for me. Wait for me.

- Michael?
- Hey.

- Could you not finish?
- No, no. First place.

First place, I swear.
But I'm sorry, I gotta go do something.

- Wait, I'm dizzy.
- Uncle Mike, come on.

- I'll-I'll take you.
- No, no, no, no. Steve, Steve...

Let's go. Come on.
Come on.

And meanwhile, George Sr...

hadn't succeeded in
startling anyone but himself.

I mean, there's nothing to do all day
except lift weights and fold laundry...

get thrown into a cage
with a bunch of sweaty men.

Excuse me.
I can't go back.

- I can't go back.
- I'm glad he won't be there. He's ugly.

George Sr. Came across
a U.S. Army combat Humvee...

and the pope mobile...

and he decided to escape
in the bulletproof one.

Come on.
I can't go back!

- And Michael caught up with George Michael...
- What are you doing?

Who was three rungs away
from being in the army.

I'm becoming a man, Dad.
Isn't that what everybody wants?

Of course not. Gob, can you get us
out of these chains, please?

Oh, so you steal my son,
and now you need me to save yours.

- All right, one key coming up.
- He's a magician.

Yeah. We-We need you
to sign this form.

No, it's good, Dad.

There's all sorts of benefits,
and it's like a family.

But it's also an army of one,
and it's no place for wimps.

You have a family, okay?
And I'm the wimp, not you.

Because I could not take
you being away in the army, all right?

I love you.

- That did it.
- He's not signing up.

That's too bad.
I was this close to gettin' out.

Hey, I think I'm gonna go get
one of those corn dog crosses.

- With all the "crucifixins"? All right.
- Thanks, Dad.

- Was that your son?
- Yes, Rita.

Yeah. The most important person
in the world to me.

You really are quite a man, Michael.

- Do you really think so?
- Oh, yes.

You're a complete and utter!@%$#.

I can't believe we had to bleep that.

It would have been
such a nice moment.

On the next
Arrested Development.

Buster signs Steve Holt up
for the army.

No, no, you can't. You can't.
I'm finally ready to be a father to you.

- I know that now.
- I don't go in for another two years.

Well, as your father,
can I sign something?

And George Sr. Finds out...

- that a fake pope mobile...
- I'll see you in hell!

...can't stop real bullets.

Thank God I wasn't in the Humvee.