Original subtitles

How can a captain of the football and baseball team can't beat me in a final

game of one-on-one?

You're a heck of a shot, Ziegler.

But nobody's guarding you.

You're welcome.

You're so nice here, don't you think?

Paid to be popular.

Yeah.

Bet you'll be meeting a lot of shark girls.

If I was looking for girls anyway, I could find them a lot closer in Chicago.

Besides, I already got my girl.

party in sioux falls want to come along uh no thanks told you

come on i bet hank i could get you to drink a beer come on don't be a drag

it's gonna be a blast thanks anyway gonna go watch

and just have it on their mind.

That's still a long time to be alone.

I think I can manage.

You still driving for Schultz? Nah, I'm gonna blow this town. There's nothing

here for me.

Where are you going, Lester? What are you gonna do?

Don't worry, Ziegler. I always land on my feet.

Going out for basketball this year?

Nope.

Well, listen, when you come back, Ziegler, we'll play some more one-on

-one. Unless you're afraid I'll beat your ass again. Okay, you went through.

Orson, I'd like to finish.

Couldn't beat it if you didn't grab, Lester.

I can beat you without cheating, Ziggler.

It's just that it's more fun making you mad.

I don't let those rich college kids show you up, Orson.

But you never beat me, Ziggler.

Never!

They don't respect him, that's why.

He just never takes anything serious.

I don't like the way he gets at you.

Poor thing.

I wish you wouldn't let him bother you so much. He's such a loser.

You're right, he is.

He's a loser.

Please change the station.

Right.

I remember the first time we came out here after the junior prom.

And you told me you were going to Northwestern.

And then go to medical school either there or at Harvard.

Come back here and work with your father.

I didn't think anybody could have their future so planned out.

Well, you have to know where you're going, Emily.

I know.

But what happens if things don't work out exactly like you'd planned?

No, I never think about that.

You haven't changed your mind about our plan.

You know I'll be waiting.

Orson, don't.

You said we wouldn't until... We said we'd wait.

Wait, my hair's tight. Sorry.

You know, maybe we should wait.

Until we have some more room.

Orson, you don't have to do everything perfect the first time.

That was your father.

He had an emergency at the reservation, and he doubts he can get to the station

in time.

He wanted to give you this himself, but... You know he wanted to see

you off, but he has so many people depending on him.

Tell him thank you.

We're all very proud of you, Orson.

Oh, it seems strange to me to leave him alone.

Well, you'll make sense quickly.

They're very careful about you.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sure they match boys with similar backgrounds.

Introduce yourself to the pastor as soon as he gets better.

Make sure it's a good meal and get enough rest.

Yes, ma'am.

Up or down?

Hi.

You two girls up for a quick game of two-on-two?

I don't think they'd be much competition, Paul. Definitely

intellectual types.

Yeah, maybe you're right. They got good muscle tone.

Not enough strength on the boys. Did you see the knockers on them, though? Oh, I

know. Paul, I think I'm going to titty heaven.

Watch your language. The Mormons have a line.

Paul Koshland.

Corky. Corky Silverstein.

Orson Ziegler.

Ziegler? Ziegler. You from Brooklyn?

No. South Dakota.

South Dakota? My God, that's almost in California, isn't it?

Not quite.

It's just a short hop down the road from Squaresville.

So what room in?

Fourteen.

Fourteen.

Hey, good luck, Ziegler.

Excuse me, could you tell me where room 14 is?

Well, well, look at the other half of room 14.

Lucky ducky.

It's up the stairs and hangar right.

Thanks.

I'm Orson Ziegler.

Henry Palomar.

Well, Henry, I... I guess we're seeing a lot of each other, hmm?

Well, you can call me Hub.

Most people do, but... If you want to call me Henry, that's fine.

If you insist, I... I wouldn't want to diminish your freedom.

My freedom?

You may not want to call me anything at all. You see, I've already made three...

Hopeless enemies in this door Excuse me

How

long have you been here eight days I am hitchhiked from Oregon

Didn't your parents worry?

No. You see, my parents divorced.

But my father, he was furious with me because he wanted me to fly. So I told

him I wanted to just go and donate the fare to the Indian Relief Fund.

You see, he never gives a penny to charity.

Yes, I guess the beer was mine.

Yes, yes, it is. I've given you the better one, of course.

And, oh, I've given you the better mattress.

And the desk without the glare from the window.

Hi. Sure?

Excuse me.

Would you rather have my bed?

You'd rather have my desk?

They're exactly alike.

No, no, I don't want any bitterness or any immature squabbling. I'm 20 years

old, and I think as the older man here, it is my responsibility to yield.

You see, here, I would give you the shirt off my back.

That's okay. I have a shirt.

So do I get a spinning wheel, too?

Oh, that one.

Well, see, I've been experimenting with that. I ordered that from Calcutta, and

I spend for half an hour each day after yoga.

Yoga? Yes, just some of the elementary positions.

Well,

I consider myself a Christian Platonist.

I'm strongly influenced by Gandhi.

My bishop at home hates me, and...

Well,

I've introduced myself to the bishop here, and I don't think he likes me

either.

Telegram. Oh, that's for me. That's for me.

Yes, telegram for Henry Palamountain? Ah, yes.

I think

that

we should talk about you.

A father who was a doctor, you were president of your class, received...

Straight A's in high school. I received rather mediocre grades myself.

Your father went to medical school here and believes that this environment is

going to be very beneficial to you when you return to practice medicine in your

small provincial town.

Wait, wait. How did you find that out?

I asked to see your folder at the dean of students' office.

What? I explained to them that if they were going to give me a roommate after

I'd specifically asked to live alone that I had a right to information about

you so that I could...

minimize possible friction.

Hey, they can't do that. That's personal information.

People without convictions have no power of resistance.

Why did you come here?

Raphael Deimos and, uh, Bernard Yeager. Friends of yours?

I, um, I went to, uh, Deimos' house, and I introduced myself, and, uh, he's, uh,

always a charming, charming old scholar. He has a beautiful young wife. You mean

you didn't even know him?

You just went over to his house and pushed yourself in? No, that's not what

happened. I wouldn't describe it in that manner.

I go as a pilgrim, and he was very pleased to talk to me.

Boning up for your anatomy class?

I don't know how to go, Hub.

Well, I've antagonized my advisor. I told him I had no intention of

fulfilling my science requirement.

Why not?

I consider science a demonic illusion of human arrogance.

Its phantasmal nature is proved by its constant revision. Why should I waste an

entire fourth of my time studying hypotheses that are going to be obsolete

by the time I graduate?

You can't be serious.

Studying Plato is much more illuminating than most things.

21 hours is a pretty heavy load, Mr. Ziegler.

16 to 18 is more average for a freshman.

Well, I think I can handle it.

I was a valedictorian in my high school, and I also had the highest grades.

That's wonderful.

See, I'm planning to go to med school after my junior year, so I figure that

the extra credits will help.

You know that there are over 100 valedictorians.

In your freshman class.

I'd advise you to start out with a regular load.

Yes, sir.

No, class will start tomorrow. I think I've got a pretty good schedule.

Your father will be upset that he missed your call.

Oh, yeah, tell him I decided not to take dissection lab this quarter.

Oh?

Yeah, um...

The class I wanted was full.

That's too bad.

How's your roommate?

Orson?

Orson? He's fine. We're getting along great.

Hey, Orson.

Hey, do you know where history class is?

I think everybody in the dorm is in this class.

Oh, one of Hub's professor friends recommended this guy.

I'm sure we'll all be sorry.

I think it's up here.

Hey, I hear Hub got out of chemistry.

Hub, didn't he tell you?

Uh, well, he hasn't been around very much.

Well, the wife is always the last to know.

You go to church every morning.

Uh-huh.

You praying for good grades already?

Yeah, it's my secret weapon.

Uh-huh. Sure beats studying.

Not that easy.

This course will survey man's progress.

We'll examine his diverse cultural, economic, and political backgrounds.

We will be concerned with the periods in which we have the most reasonable

records.

The Syrians and the Egyptians were in power.

We'll be interested in how man deals with progress.

Also, how he has dealt with periods of depression and unemployment and war and

catastrophe as they grow ever more frequent.

Five essays and one term paper are required.

For each day any paper is laid, I will deduct one letter grade.

I consider promptness to be an essential part of academic achievement.

During the course of the semester, you'll be receiving some assignments

in... So good of you to drop in, Mr...

Palamount.

Mr. Palamount, I suppose you're already so familiar with the history of Western

civilization, you consider this course to be irrelevant?

No, sir.

No, sir. As a student of philosophy, I can...

consider the entire study of transient civilizations relevant.

Take a seat, Mr.

Palamaldon. I can see we may have some stimulating discussions this quarter.

How about a roast beef, please? Yeah, definitely roast beef. And mashed

potatoes? Not bad. Do you ever roll, too? Do you ever want to roll? What is

it, a duet? I'm first.

Hey, have you guys heard about the new girl that Karen is dating? Now, that guy

is definitely going to titty heaven. Hey, Austin, is there a cure for tits on

the brain?

Yeah, a week in a phone booth with Jane Russell.

Yeah, but he's too far gone.

Your roommate?

Very, very strange.

He's not the only one.

I'll watch you eat. Mom convinced that you're a saint.

Hey, there's some great shrubs outside my bedroom window if you ever want a

late night snack.

Hey, listen to this one.

You guys aren't going to ruin our appetites, are you?

Silverstein and Koshland.

Silverstein and Koshland. They come from New York City. They think that they are

lovers, but the girls just stay tucked in.

You guys can't do any better than that.

Really bad.

You eat eggs.

Yes,

I do.

You realize that every egg from the chicken's point of view is a newborn

baby. I don't know, but in fact it isn't unless it's been fertilized by a

rooster. But suppose, as it sometimes happens, which I happen to know from

working in my uncle's hen house, that an egg that should be sterile... has been

fertilized and contains an embryo.

Well, see it, I naturally don't eat that particular egg. But why?

The hen feels the same pain being parted from its egg, whether it's sterile or

fertile. And furthermore, the embryo is unconscious.

A vegetable.

As a vegetarian, you should eat it with particular relish.

Do you mind?

It seems to me that the psychoanalysis of a hen is hardly relevant at the lunch

table. Hey, Hub, Hub, what's the word on milk?

I mean, don't, uh, don't calves drink milk? Maybe you're taking the milk out

of some calf's mouth. No, no.

As anyone except someone from New York would understand, painful, painful.

Milch cows have weaned their calves.

Weaned.

What I wonder, Hub, is what about your shoes?

You wear leather shoes.

I do.

Point. Orson.

What about your wallet and your belt?

The animal has already been slaughtered, Orson.

But buying these things encourages the slaughter.

You're just as much a murderer as the rest of us. More of them because you

think about it.

My belt, I believe, is a form of plastic.

My wallet was given to me by my mother years ago before I even became a

vegetarian.

But my shoes are a problem.

There is a firm that makes non-leather shoes for extreme vegetarians, but

they're very expensive and they're not comfortable.

And I have compromised. I apologize.

I suppose for that matter, when I play the piano, I encourage the slaughter of

elephants.

Oh, and when I brush my teeth, I use a brush made out of pig bristles.

I'm covered with blood. I pray daily for forgiveness.

Thank you for the nauseating conversation, gentlemen.

They're perfectly wearable shoes made out of canvas.

Crape and rubber soles.

I'll have to look into them.

They sound a little sporty to me.

That's it for me.

Hey, who's for catching a flick and checking out the local action?

Hey, Orson, why don't you come along? We could use that perfectionist eye to

lookie-lookie for little Nicky Nick.

He doesn't need your degenerate activities, Coshland.

He's got his own honey in South Dakota.

That's right, and she writes him every day.

Yeah.

How'd you know that?

Pop told us.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure we knew that you were, uh, normal.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me where University Hall is?

I think it's over there.

Oh, you dropped your pencil.

Oh, thank you.

Are you headed that way?

No, I think it's closed right now.

Well, which way are you headed?

Oh, I've got to get home.

Keep dropping your pencil.

Good night.

Dear Emily Even though I've only been here two weeks it seems like two months

since I saw you It's probably because of the amount of work. I've been doing Just

when I'm sure that they can't possibly give us more they do I Barely have time

to do my laundry

Doesn't seem to bother Hub, though.

He audits two extra courses, wrestles three times a week, spends two

afternoons supervising slum boys and orphans, takes piano lessons, and is

always attending free evening lectures and readings.

He also manages to wrangle tea invitations from the two professors he

met and from the local bishop.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living alone.

Each of the other roommates are very different.

But they form some kind of bond between them.

In a way, I envy them.

I asked ridiculous.

He was an atheist.

No, I'm trying to understand.

To refine your conception of things. I was electric.

It was a waste of time.

Just because he didn't believe in prayer doesn't mean that he was an atheist.

For Christ's sake, how could he be religious if he was against prayer?

Who? Voltaire. I found it.

Here it is.

Voltaire was religious, but he wasn't religious in the orthodox sense.

He believed God endowed man with the reason and feelings of benevolence

needed to gain happiness in life.

But he also believed God created the universe according to laws that cannot

be altered by the prayers of men.

There. You see?

cannot be altered by the prayers of man. To me, that means he thought praying was

a waste of time. And if he felt that way, he sure as hell wasn't religious.

No, no, no, no, no. All that means is that he believes there wasn't any

justice in the world. For instance, the good are often punished, the wicked

rewarded, and prayer doesn't even affect that. So why pray? And I know I have it

in here somewhere, and I'm going to find it. Do you think prayer is a waste of

time? Huh?

Do you think prayer is a waste of time?

No, I don't think prayer is a waste of time. Voltaire does, but I believe that

prayer has a definite purpose. I suppose it involves looking for God within

yourself. Well, yeah, but where does that lead?

I don't know where it leads, but I know that it begins with myself.

Well, Orson thinks prayer means asking God for favors.

Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. It's a lot more complicated than

that. You know...

It is impossible to have an intellectual argument around here. No, I haven't.

Let's go find a decent argument. You know, Nietzsche said God was dead, but

he didn't mean it in a dead point of view, meaning God was alive.

Who makes you such an authority on prayer? You never pray.

How do you expect to get decent grades if you don't study?

I'm confident I'll get by. I always have.

You, on the other hand, will never be satisfied with just getting by.

Most people would agree that studying before a quiz is normal.

Yes, but from my perspective, spending all of your time pursuing grades instead

of considering more profound matters isn't normal.

Profound matters?

Orson, why are you so concerned about my study habits?

I'm sorry. I was under the strange impression the roommates are supposed to

be concerned about each other.

Well, you see, I have this feeling that it isn't so much concern as it is your

need to make value judgments.

Oh, Jesus.

If you weren't so intolerant of people, you might be tolerable yourself.

Look, if you want to sit here and hum your brains out, go ahead. Just don't do

it when I'm reading.

I'm sorry. I mean, what do you do? Sit up late at night and think of new ways

to bug the crap out of me?

Yes, I do. It's the little things like that that fill up the emptiness in my

life.

Do you have a telegram for you? Right.

Sign for it, please.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Pat.

Hey,

Kurt, long distance.

Why don't you read those telegrams?

I know what they said. The Portland draft board is after me. They refuse to

recognize any conscientious objectors, except Quakers and Mennonites. My bishop

agrees with them. You can't ignore your draft board.

I'm sorry if I've offended your

patriotism. No, you're not.

a Ziegler?

Nah, maybe some other time. I gotta study. That's a bad example for a

Ziegler. Hey,

Hub!

Hubba!

Hey, Orson, what is Hub's secret?

Maybe I should become a vegetarian.

registration. Larson, that cynical facade you put up is going to be the

downfall of you in the future.

Even a saint can be human too.

A saint must be human, otherwise he's not a saint.

um

I'm good.

Just hand it to me, Carol. One by one, hand it to me.

I told him I'm broken here.

What am I going to do?

I'll just have to retype it.

It's 20 pages too long anyway.

Hey, Larson.

We got a good one.

My name is Larson Peterson, and my roomie is a real panic Like any good

mommy I handle him calmly so he'll grow up to be schizophrenic

What the hell is that?

Hair.

Human hair? Yes, and did you know that it spins much better than cotton?

Whose hair is it?

Oh, it's that girl I met at the concert.

She's, uh... She's very nice.

This is her hair?

She said that she was gonna cut it all off next spring anyway, and I...

What

are you gonna do with... What I'd... spin it into a rope, and make a knot of

it so it can't come undone, and then I just give it to her.

She'll have her hair just the way it was when she was 18.

How the hell did you talk that poor girl into cutting her hair off? I didn't talk

her into it. I merely offered, and then she thought it was a lovely idea.

Really, Orson, I don't see why they should offend your bourgeois scruples.

Or maybe you just don't understand women. They cut their hair all the time.

I'm sure Emily would cut her hair. Hey, just leave Emily out of this, all right?

I'm just trying to illustrate a point. What point? There is no point. You cut

somebody's hair off. She must think you're insane.

She was humoring you. That's...

My sanity was not raised as an

issue.

Well, I think you're insane, Hub.

I think you're a nut.

Oh, is that part of Hub's required reading?

You're Hub's roommate, aren't you? Yeah.

Yeah, and you're the girl with the long, red hair.

Um, thank you.

Hey, where's Orson?

Probably studying at the library.

Hey, have we got a great one.

Spare me.

No, no, it's a bet. How long do you think it would take Orson to notice one

of these is moved?

I said five minutes. What do you say?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Hub. Hey, Carter, you want to get in on the pool? One buck. What pool?

We're betting how long it'll take Orson to notice his toothpaste is moved.

You're kidding.

I bet two minutes.

You're not kidding?

Hey, come on, what do you think? I bet five minutes, and Peterson bet three and

a half.

Eight minutes.

Oh, easy money.

What do you say, Hub?

Hey, yeah, Hub, what do you think?

27 seconds.

This morning, yeah

How's it going?

Okay.

All right, which one of you guys used my toothpaste?

25 seconds.

How did you use my toothpaste?

Your toothpaste?

I used seaweed powder. Why would I want to use toothpaste?

What the hell is that? It's a parking meter. I can see that. Where did you get

it? I'm not going to talk to you unless you stop being hysterical. I'm not

hysterical.

Hey, what's up? What's going on? You look like Quasimodo running through the

lobby. He's castrated a parking meter. No, I did not. A car went out of control

on Chicago Avenue, knocked it down. The head was in the gutter. I picked it up.

I carried it away. I was afraid that somebody might be tempted to steal it.

I'm glad nobody did. Nobody tried to stop you?

Well, they were all gathered around the driver.

Oh, was he hurt?

I don't know. I didn't look.

You didn't look? Oh, you're a great Samaritan, Hub. Well, I'm not a prey to

morbid curiosity.

Where were the cops?

They hadn't arrived yet.

Well, why didn't you wait until they got there and then give the meter to them?

Now, why should I give it to the agents of the state? It's no more theirs than

it is mine.

But it is! It is theirs! No, no, this was an act of providence that places in

my hands.

Actually, I don't really know which charity should receive this mail.

Hub, that's stealing.

This is not stealing any more than the state is stealing when they make people

pay money to park their car.

Hub, you take that parking meter back right now or we're both going to jail.

You understand?

I'm not afraid.

Going to jail under a totalitarian regime is a mark of honor.

Of course, if you had a conscience, you would understand that.

If I... I had a conscience. What do you mean if I had a conscience? Back here.

Hey, wait a second.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, stop now. Hey,

come on.

Calm down.

Calm down.

And we thank thee, O Lord, for the abundance placed before us.

And vow to repay thy grace with thoughts of goodness and deeds of thanksgiving.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen. Well, good to have you home, son.

It's good to be here.

How are you doing at school, Orson?

Well, I really won't know for a couple of weeks.

Emily has missed you.

She's visited your mother every week.

Yes, and I want you to know Emily hasn't been seeing any other boys, even though

she's been asked out several times.

That's very nice.

I was only asked out once.

Orson, I want you to take more food.

You look pale. Have you been eating enough?

I'm all right, Mom.

I'm fine.

How are you and your roommate getting along?

Oh, just fine.

That's good. It's important to learn how to get along with a lot of different

people in this world.

Especially in our business.

What church does he attend, Dorsen?

Uh, he sort of has his own religion.

Oh. Hello.

Hi. Well, why don't you invite him to attend church with you?

Oh, yes. How are you? Uh, I don't think he would go.

Dad, do you think a person can be religious even if they don't pray?

That's a subject that's worthy of discussion.

It's Mrs. Warren.

Tommy's temperature is up to 104.

You see what it's like being the only doctor in this town?

I'm sorry, ladies. Please excuse me.

Perhaps we can talk about that when we have more time.

You're right.

Yeah.

Why are you crying?

I'm okay.

I'm sorry.

What?

That it wasn't better. It's all my fault. I'm sorry.

It's not that.

Then what is it?

It just seems like we haven't hardly talked since you've been back.

It seems like all you're interested in is sex.

That's... that's not... It's just that I've had a lot of things on my mind,

so... Well, does it have anything to do with us?

It's just my roommate. I try getting along with him, and we just end up

arguing.

And when the other guys kid him or knock his ideas, he treats it like some kind

of game. And when I do it, he acts like I'm attacking him.

He just... He never does anything normal.

Sounds like Lester.

Lester?

I used to get so mad because he never played by the rules. What are you

talking about? Hub isn't anything like Lester.

I'm sorry.

Lester?

Why didn't you tell your father that you and Hub were getting along fine?

You know what he expects of me.

How can I tell him my roommate is driving me crazy?

He'd never understand that.

Why don't you move to another room?

Because he's my roommate. I'm supposed to get along with him.

Well, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't even be in school. Maybe I should enlist.

It's not that bad.

It could be work.

It could be Tommy.

He just hasn't gotten around to it yet.

It won't bite.

What the hell happened to my bed?

I just let some of my orphans use it.

They needed a rest from their normal drudgery.

Oh, I knew that you wouldn't mind. I mean, charity is a tenet of your

religion.

Isn't it? You said that, didn't you?

Right.

Oh, hi, Joey.

Joey, this is Orson, my friend.

And Orson, this is Joey.

Hi, Joey.

Joey, listen, would you do me a favor? Just go put the towel in the closet for

me, okay?

I've tried that. It doesn't work. Mr. Ziegler, if I allowed every student to

move just because he had an argument with his roommate, I'd be running a

shuttle service here. You don't understand.

It's not just an argument.

We can't get along.

Look, he asked to live alone when he came here.

Even he knows he's impossible to live with.

Let me pick some information and I'll... I don't think we've got any other space

this late in the quarter, but...

of critics?

Hordes. Hordes of critics.

All right, I'm sorry.

All right.

Manuel Kant never meant these theories to be used. Kant never is a double

negative, Cal.

Kant! K-A... Kant is his last name.

No, you made me do.

Hey, Orson, how was your vacation?

Uh, pretty good.

Absolutely. Cal needs some help with his paper, so I stuck around here.

I didn't need help. I'm perfectly capable of doing my own paper. You know

damn well the only reason you stayed is to get that material from me.

How do you put up with each other?

We don't put up with each other, Orson.

We live together.

So, uh...

What did you do on Thanksgiving?

Oh, we were going to have dinner with Hub, but he and Barbara celebrated with

a fast.

Barbara? Who's Barbara?

That redhead he spent vacation with.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Barbara.

Rooming with Hub sounds a lot more interesting than living with a certified

child prodigy.

Yeah, it's a gas.

Are you still making fun of me?

Uh, listen, uh, I'll see you later.

Are you? Cal, you're overreacting. I'm getting upset.

For no reason. I think we need a break.

I'm going to finish it!

That is a perfect example of your total disregard for anything different from

you.

It's only a roach.

Well, I was trying to catch it and put it outside the window.

Well, I'm sorry. Where I come from, we kill roaches. That's just what we do.

Well, of course, of course you would. I'm learning to live with nature. You're

learning to kill.

Today, your shoe. Tomorrow, the bomb.

Look, if you want to live with bugs, that's fine, because I'm moving. I made

arrangements to move out of here.

Wonderful. I hope your next victim can live up to your standards.

My standards?

What are my standards, Hub?

What are my standards? That I'd like to study before my test?

Or that I pray right side up instead of upside down?

Are those my standards? Or that I don't bring parking meters home for pets? Or

that I care about people?

And I don't care about people? You were more concerned about that goddamn meter

than you were about the people in the car that knocked it over. Let me tell

you something, Orson. Let me tell you something.

You couldn't even begin to understand what I care about.

I don't think anybody can.

I don't care.

Good. I'm glad you don't care.

Hey, Orson.

How'd you do?

Okay.

All right, I guess.

Uh-oh. That note of uncertainty makes me wonder if I want you as my family

doctor.

Hey, Hob.

You know, you should have warned me you were coming to that exam.

I nearly flipped when I turned around and saw you.

I couldn't believe you left that early. Did you cream it?

Most of the questions were so insipid I didn't even bother.

I

think

you blew philosophy.

Fellow Pavlovian dogs, we've suffered their tortures. We've jumped through

their hoops. The laws of nature demand reciprocity.

It is time we unshackled our bonds and praised Bacchus. Hoots for getting

smashed!

Are you coming, Orson? Come on, Orson.

Oh,

you're going to start studying for next quarter already. Orson, let's go.

No, kiss that.

I'll try again.

If you get a card, you're never going to beat him.

Oh, no, Paul, no. You need some real competition.

How about... Come

on, do it. Come on.

Waitress, a pitcher of milk, please.

He'll give you something to remember while you're delivering babies. I'm kind

of... Let's see it.

made it up in your honor.

Hey, you guys aren't going to wreck this one up though, are you?

My name is Orson Ziegler and I come from South Dakota.

I tend to be a niggler and I masturbate by quota.

Apostle vegetarianism.

St.

Henry Pal Mountain in absentia.

Hey,

how come you're not toasting Hub?

Because I hate him.

Yeah, come on. No, no, no. I don't think Orson really hates.

Yeah, I do. I hate the pastor. Why?

Why? Because he's weird.

Did you know he walked out of the history exam?

Just walked out of the final exam.

Why is he at college?

I mean, if he's not going to go to class, and he's not going to study, and

if he's not going to take the exams, why is he here?

He's here to drive you crazy, Ziegler.

Good job.

Where?

What about all that mail that he gets from those political organizations?

And you know what else he does? He tears up his draft notices. He does?

Yeah. Well, maybe I've misjudged the poor lad.

Orson's afraid when they come for Hubs that they're going to lock him up, too.

I can't find the path.

An exaggeration. Oh. God, he exaggerates everything.

You ought to see how he prays. Hub prays? Sure he does. He sits in the

middle of the room and folds his legs up like a pretzel and sings these words to

himself. He doesn't know what they mean.

He sits there and goes,

Hub... No.

I mean, I pray too, but I don't make a spectacle of myself.

Ah, but Hub is insane.

That's right, that's right. I would marry him tomorrow if he had... He's

not. He's not a saint.

He's not even intelligent.

You know all those Greek books that he says that he's read?

Well, I looked at them. The only reason that they're worn is that he bought them

secondhand. I mean, is that pretentious or what?

Yeah.

I don't think that Ziegler feels this way about Huff. I just don't think

that's... No, no. Not at all. No, no, that's not the way Orson the Parson

thinks. Yeah. Hey, wait, wait. Is it Orson the Parson or Orson the Person? I

think Huff is the nun. Right. Or perhaps... He's the rub.

You know, I think you're missing the point of what Hub is about.

I think... No.

I know goddamn well what he thinks he's about, but he's a fake. Don't you see?

He's a phony.

All that vegetarianism and loving those goddamn orphans. I mean, that's a joke.

In my opinion, he is a cold bastard. He's the coldest person I've ever met in

my life. You're not being fair. Hub cares about other people.

I think he cares what other people think about him, too.

He's not a saint.

You son of a bitch. Get out of here.

Because I grew up there.

And I know the territory very well, Cal. And if God is going to be anywhere, he's

going to be out there.

That's right.

Cal, look, if you're feeling up to it, I want to know, can I go with you?

Yeah? You want to go with me?

You will?

That's great. That means we can go together.

You called?

You know what?

I saw him.

I saw him.

I did.

Jesus. I'll be damned.

I don't know.

I knew he was flipping out when he wanted to go out west and find God.

That's a long way to go in the raw.

Hey, Huff.

Hey, what'd they say?

Yeah, what's up?

Oh, they told me they're gonna send him back to Maine.

When did it happen to me? I don't know.

Uh, they told me that the trauma was medical.

I had a long talk with this psychologist and...

He's not going to be able to finish out the year.

Well, I think Carol would have hurt himself if it wasn't for you.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, you know, you were really incredible the way you came down that

hallway and you were shouting.

Shouting?

Sorry.

Yeah, but we understood what you were getting at.

That's good.

I didn't.

I'm going to get some breakfast to see Larry. Okay, see you.

See you.

Sure moves fast for a little guy. No, that's a friend of his. She's probably

consoling him.

Before.

I read it. It gave him a royal shaft.

What happened to your spinning wheel?

I've lost my enthusiasm for spinning.

Didn't like the hair, huh?

Well, she wasn't exactly ecstatic.

I guess there's a space in Peterson's room now.

Yeah.

You guys are dating? You're just going to meet us there? Yeah.

Who's driving?

I am. Oh, good.

Wait just a minute for me, okay?

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Fine.

How are you?

Okay.

Listen, the reason I came by was... Well, because I got to know something.

Okay.

Did you... Did you break up with her because of what I said at the bar?

Um, what happened between Hub and me had nothing to do with you. Because I feel

like I was wrong about him, and I... He's just been so down lately, I... I

thought it might have something to do with you.

If Hub's upset, I think it's probably because you're moving out.

Because... Because I'm moving... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Did he tell you that?

Look, you should be talking to Hub about this.

Why are you talking to me?

My friends are waiting.

I've got to go.

Silverstein? Hey, Ziegler.

What are you doing out here?

Snowing. Yeah.

That's crazy.

In Brooklyn, that's a way of life. Want to play?

Oh, come on. You're not going to let a little snow stop you. What kind of

parson are you?

You know, basketball may be a wintertime sport, Silverstein, but they used to

play it inside. I thought you guys in the Midwest were made of stronger stuff.

All right, all right. Hey, what's your game?

One-on-one.

Not bad, Ziegler.

Your ass is grass, Ziegler.

Not bad, Silverstein.

That's enough.

That's enough for me.

I'm out of shape.

You could have fooled me.

That's damn good, Ziegler.

Hey, why don't you go out for the varsity?

Well, I came here to study.

Besides, I wouldn't be that good if I played varsity.

I'd probably take it too serious.

Well, thanks for the game, Clark.

Anytime, Parson.

Dear mom, I did all right on my exams.

Three A's and a B.

Hub pulled two B's and two C's.

Not bad considering you hardly studied.

Kern, Carter, and Silverstein did well.

and nobody moved.

Hey, Orson. Hey, we brought this for you. What is this? There it is. That's

for you.

Hey, go ahead. Read it. Read it. Yep.

Please take good care of my baby.

Yes, that's right. Yes.

Now, be sure to give us a call if you need money for bail.

Yeah, hey, look, we're going to take up a collection.

It shouldn't take more than two, three months to get you out.

Oh, well, that's all right. I have prepared a three-year reading list just

in case.

We got to be hitting the beach, eh, Clancy?

We got to go torment some other people. See you guys later.

Would you care to...

accompany me to the police station so that I can make sure this is delivered

into the proper hands.

I don't care what you do with it. You don't care?

Nope. Oh, you don't care.

I remember when you were trying to crush my ribs because I wouldn't return this.

Yeah?

Well, a lot has happened since then.

When are you moving?

Um, I told them in the beginning that I ought to live alone.

You were right.

I think we shouldn't live together next year.

Actually, you can move in with Peterson right now.

You're right. I could.

I've decided to wait.

You've decided to wait?

Yep.

Oh.

Great.

I guess that means I'll have to keep the brass buttons on my uniform polished for

inspection, right?

Aye, aye, Captain.

And I'll have to refrain from breathing.

so that I don't disturb your order of things, and I'll have to do things the

way you and God have decided the way they're supposed to be done.

Orson, do you know what your problem is? You think that the referee in this game

is fair.

Hub, I... If you play by the rules, you're going to win. Well, let me tell

you something.

Life is not fair, and there are no rules.

There are no rules at all.

Hub, look, I'm not going to fight with you anymore because we never agree about

anything. Oh, you're absolutely right. We don't agree about anything.

Right.

Did we just agree about something?

What? No, I think that we just agreed about something.

Right, we agreed that we never agree.

Right.

That's right.

Of course.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Perhaps there is some hope for you after all.

For me?

You think so, huh?

Well, I'm just giving you the benefit of the doubt, of course.

Well, thank you. That makes me feel a lot better.

What an arrogant son of a bitch.

Is that what you think? Yes.

Is this Dr. Ziegler? Yes.

Uh, who's this?

Uh, this is a saint.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Farson.

Hub?

Yeah, Hub. How are you?

I'm fine.

How are you?

I'm great. I'm great. I just got back to Washington, and I decided to look up

some of the guys from the dorm.

My God, it's been 25 years. Yeah, well, it's hard to believe, isn't it?

Yeah.

Well, you been in touch with anybody?

Well, I tell you, I ran into Silverstein last year at a conference in San

Francisco. You know, he said you had gone into a theological seminary. Uh

-huh, uh-huh. I spent a few years as an assistant rector of a parish in

Baltimore. Well, actually, I became a little bit of a celebrity because I was

playing piano in a cocktail lounge and I insisted on wearing my clerical collar.

I went over to South Africa, and I was preaching among the Bantus for a while,

until the government asked me to leave.

And then after that, I went over to Madagascar, and I was a combination

missionary, political agitator, and soccer coach.

So,

what are you doing now?

Well, I'm with the State Department.

Did you get any of my cards? Oh, yes, yes. I meant to write, but I... Well,

that's all right. You know, I didn't really expect an answer, but...

Oh, I tracked, uh, I tracked Cal Fitch down.

Hmm. Yeah. He's a psychiatrist in Beverly Hills. No kidding.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'll be damned. He sure deserves a lot of credit for coming back like he

did. Yeah.

Well, it sounds like you're doing what you always plan to do, though. You're

caring for the sick and needy of Connersville.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Outstanding member of the Kiwanis and the Chamber of Commerce. And I'm sure

you and Emily are married and you have a fine family. Well, we have two children.

As a matter of fact, my son Eddie leaves for Northwestern next week.

Well, you know what they say, the more things change, the more they stay the

same.

Yep. Uh-huh.

Hmm.

So what are you doing with the State Department?

Well, I can't really tell you very much about it, except that dealing with the

Russians is a lot easier than living with you.

You son of a bitch.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, no, that's not true, actually. I have, partly because of you, Orson. I

learned a lot that... first quarter especially about letting go of my anger

and well uh yeah i guess we all did i i probably could have learned a lot more

if i hadn't been so uptight by the way emily and i are are divorced well orson

i always said that you didn't understand women i'm working on it you know

relationships are very confusing and painful yeah

we sure proved that didn't we

Yeah, but I suppose it's the pain in the relationship that makes us grow.

Are you practicing medicine in that town or a psychiatrist?

A little of both, I guess.

Listen, Hub, I got to go.

But it was nice talking to you. Yeah, it was nice talking to you. Listen, you

take it easy.

I'm going to write it. I'll let you know where I'll be. Okay.

Okay, do that. Do that. And thanks for calling.

Really.

Okay. Goodbye, Hub.

Bye, Parson.