Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE

♪ A REAL AMERICAN HERO

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE ♪

♪ A REAL AMERICAN HERO

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

Announcer: G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE

♪ A REAL AMERICAN HERO

♪ G.I. JOE

Jezebel: WHERE IS SHE?!

WHERE IS THAT NO GOOD, THIEVING MADAME VERSAILLES?

NOBODY RIPS OFF JEZEBEL AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

PLEASE, MISS JEZEBEL, DON'T MAKE A SCENE.

MADAME VERSAILLES IS WAITING FOR YOU IN HER OFFICE.

GOOD. I WANT TO TALK TO HER.

She's on her way inside.

[ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ]

UH, MADAME VERSAILLES, THIS IS --

YES. JEZEBEL.

THE BRASH, YOUNG UPSTART WHO CLAIMS THAT WHICH IS MINE.

LISTEN, SWEETHEART, YOU SWIPED MY YOUTH TREATMENT.

WHY, YOU UNPRINCIPLED TART!

THE VERSAILLES YOUTH TREATMENT HAS BEEN A SECRET

IN MY FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS.

LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE.

WE'RE HERE TO SETTLE THIS MATTER, NOT ESCALATE IT.

NOW, BOTH PARTIES HAVE AGREED

TO LET THE OTHER LOOK AT THEIR SECRET TREATMENTS AS A SHOW OF,

UH, GOOD FAITH TO PROVE NEITHER STOLE IDEAS FROM THE OTHER.

MADAME VERSAILLES, IF YOU WOULD START?

YES.

BUT NOT UNTIL SHE SHOWS ME HERS.

Jezebel: OKAY.

Versailles: WHAT'S THIS?

Jezebel: THANKS, CHUMPS.

COBRA WILL PAY A PRETTY PENNY

FOR YOUR AGE-CONTROL FORMULA.

CAREFUL, ZARANA, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO EAT THOSE WORDS.

EAT THIS!

HYAH!

UNH!

Zarana: NICE TRY, MADAME.

THERE ARE JOES IN THE AREA! GUARD MY ESCAPE!

ZARANA'S GETTING AWAY WITH THE FORMULA!

YO-O-O, JOE!

"YO, JOE" THIS, DOG BREATH!

RIGHT ON!

LET'S CLEAN UP SOME OF THIS FILTH.

WHOA!

WAY TO GO, DIAL TONE!

PINHEADS!

BLAST! OUT OF RANGE.

AND THEY GOT AWAY WITH THE ONLY COPY

OF VERSAILLES' SECRET PROCESS.

Flint: I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE TIME TO SEE US, SPARKS.

WE REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.

HEY, ANYTHING TO HELP OLD COMRADES IN ARMS.

ONCE A JOE, ALWAYS A JOE.

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT THE CONNECTION BETWEEN COBRA

AND MADAME VERSAILLES' FORMULA.

I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.

AFTER YOU CALLED,

I HAD THIS TAPE PULLED FROM THE NETWORK LIBRARY.

IT MAY BE THE CONNECTION YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

HI. I'M DONNA DASHER.

AND I'M BRETT TINKER.

AND WE'RE HERE TO TELL YOU

WHY WE'RE SO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.

THE REASON IS THE AGELESS CARE PROCESS.

[ Chuckling ] I'M IMPRESSED.

THAT'S A PRETTY BIG ENDORSEMENT

FROM TWO OF THE BIGGEST STARS IN AMERICA.

I'LL SAY. DONNA DASHER IS A TOP BOX-OFFICE DRAW,

AND TINKER WAS VOTED THE NFL's MOST VALUABLE PLAYER LAST YEAR.

THAT'S NOT THE HALF OF IT.

THEY'RE DOING THE ADS FOR NOTHING -- FREE.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

THERE'S MORE.

AGELESS CARE IS A SUBSIDIARY OF EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES.

COBRA'S CORPORATION. I DON'T GET IT.

WHAT DO THEY HOPE TO GAIN FROM ALL THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WE'D BETTER SEND A TEAM OUT

TO THE AGELESS CARE SPA IN CALIFORNIA TO FIND OUT.

Flint: INVESTIGATIVE WORK'S A BIT OUT OF OUR LINE, LADY JAYE.

WELL, THE BOYS CAN USE A CHANGE OF PACE.

[ AIR HORN BLOWS ]

HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, YOU STUPID --

HOW'D YOU GET YOUR LICENSE? BY MAIL ORDER?

SORRY!

GRANDPA, LOOK. UP IN THE SKY.

HEY!

HEY, GUYS.

HI, THERE, FLINT, LADY JAYE.

I HOPE THEY CAN GET --

MAN, LOOK AT THAT CRAZY MOTORBIKE.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I HOPE THEY CAN GET HERE WITHOUT --

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU HOPE THEY CAN GET HERE WITHOUT WHAT, FLINT?

WITHOUT BEING TOO CONSPICUOUS.

[ LAUGHS ]

Donna: HI. I'M DONNA DASHER.

Brett: AND I'M BRETT TINKER.

Donna: AND WE'RE HERE TO TELL YOU

WHY WE'RE SO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.

THE REASON IS THE AGELESS CARE PROCESS.

YOU DRAGGED US 3,000 MILES FROM HEADQUARTERS

JUST TO WATCH COMMERCIALS?

IT APPEARS THAT EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES IS BEHIND

THE AGELESS CARE PROCESS,

AND WHERE EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES IS,

COBRA CAN'T BE WRIGGLING FAR BEHIND.

WELL, IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF THIS MISSION,

I'D STAGE A DIRECT ASSAULT.

Flint: BUT YOU'RE NOT. THANK GOODNESS.

I HEARD THAT.

Flint: SIT DOWN, BEACH HEAD.

[ GROANS ]

NOW, LISTEN, EVERYBODY.

WE'RE GOING TO DIVIDE UP INTO THREE TEAMS.

LADY JAYE AND GUNG-HO WILL MONITOR THE AGELESS CARE SPA.

DIAL TONE AND MAINFRAME WILL PAY TINKER A VISIT.

AND SCI-FI AND I WILL VISIT MISS DASHER

ON THE SET OF HER NEW MOVIE.

YEAH. I CAN DIG THAT.

HA, HA! FIGURES.

Donna: IF YOU REALLY WANT TO FIND OUT

WHAT COMMERCIALS I'VE DONE, YOU SHOULD CONTACT MY MANAGER.

Flint: BUT, MISS DASHER, ALL WE NEED TO KNOW

IS WHY YOU'RE DOING THE AGELESS CARE COMMERCIALS FOR NOTHING.

I SAID CALL MY MANAGER AND STOP BUGGING ME!

WELL, NOW WHAT, BOSS?

LET'S HANG AROUND AND GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY LATER.

HENRY, LEND ME YOUR WHISTLE A SEC.

MISS DASHER, NO!

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

[ ELEPHANTS TRUMPET ]

WHAT THE...

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

SCI-FI, UP HERE!

RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

LOOK OUT!

[ SCREAMS ]

LOOK OUT!

[ SCREAMS ]

UNH! AAH!

UNH!

WE'VE GOT TO STOP THOSE ELEPHANTS!

[ ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING ]

Flint: FLASH GRENADES.

THESE WILL BRIGHTEN UP THEIR DAY.

LET'S ROUND UP THESE PACHYDERMS!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

Sci-Fi: THEY'RE HEADING FOR THE COMMISSARY!

GET CLOSE TO THEM!

I'LL TRY TO TURN THEM WITH THESE!

[ TRUMPETING CONTINUES ]

CLOSER! CLOSER!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

Flint: LET'S TRY TO CORRAL THESE DOGGIES IN STAGE 9!

LOTS OF LUCK!

Flint: CLOSER!

Man: ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY! QUIET ON THE SET!

ROLL CAMERA. AND...

[ RUMBLING ]

Man: ...ACTION!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

CUT! CUT!

THIS IS NOT IN THE SCRIPT!

[ ELEPHANTS TRUMPET ]

GET THOSE DOORS!

[ ELEPHANTS TRUMPET ]

WHEW! NOTHING LIKE A LITTLE EXCITEMENT.

YEAH. COURTESY OF MISS DASHER.

Brett: 74! 23!

[ GRUNTS ]

SPLIT RIGHT ON TWO. HUT!

[ GRUNTS ]

BOY, THAT BRETT TINKER SURE CAN KICK A FOOTBALL.

OH, HERE HE COMES.

HEY. YOU GUYS WANT TO TALK TO ME?

YEAH. YOU DID A COMMERCIAL FOR THE AGELESS CARE PROCESS.

SO? IS THERE A LAW AGAINST THAT?

WE WERE JUST WONDERING WHY YOU REFUSED PAYMENT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- WAIT RIGHT HERE,

AND I'LL HAVE AN ANSWER FOR YOU IN A MINUTE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE MEANT BY THAT?

Brett: NOW, LISTEN.

THERE'S A COUPLE OF GUYS OVER THERE I COULD DO WITHOUT.

[ ALL GROWL ]

GIVE ME RED LEFT 25 WITH SOME PASS INTERFERENCE

AND, UH, A LITTLE UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS.

GET MY DRIFT?

YEAH! ALL RIGHT!

Brett: LISTEN! 72, 15, 49!

HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!

[ ALL GROWL ]

HEY!

MY FIRST PRO INTERCEPTION!

UH-OH.

[ ALL GRUNT ]

UNH!

HMM. 27 MINOR CUTS AND ABRASIONS,

BUT NO SERIOUS INJURIES.

[ Chuckling ] YOU GUYS WERE LUCKY.

YEAH. WE RECEIVED VIOLENT REACTIONS

FROM BOTH OF THE STARS WE INTERVIEWED.

WELL, I LEARNED SOMETHING.

EACH OF THOSE STARS WORKS OUT AT THE AGELESS CARE SPA

RIGHT HERE IN BEVERLY HILLS.

THEN THAT'S OUR NEXT STOP.

WAIT A MINUTE.

MAYBE IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

TO CHANGE INTO SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS CONSPICUOUS.

Mainframe: MAN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SO MANY ROLLS-ROYCES AND BENTLEYS

IN ALL YOUR LIFE?

Dial Tone: IN THESE DUDS, WE FIT RIGHT IN.

YEAH, BUT HOW CAN ANYBODY WORK OUT IN CLOTHES LIKE THESE?

[ Chuckling ] IT'S BEVERLY HILLS, FLINT.

IT'S STYLE, NOT SWEAT, THAT COUNTS HERE.

OH, UH, GOOD MORNING. WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

AH, YES.

WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

WELCOME TO THE AGELESS CARE SPA.

HMM. LOOK AT THEM, THE NINCOMPOOPS.

THEIR DISGUISES DON'T FOOL ME.

PREPARE THE STEAM AND SUN ROOMS.

OUR PROBLEMS WITH THE JOES WILL SOON BE OVER.

Instructor: OKAY, EVERYBODY.

THAT WILL DO IT FOR YOUR FIRST WORKOUT.

NOW LET'S VISIT THE SUN AND STEAM ROOMS.

YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO ENJOY THIS.

THIS IS THE STEAM ROOM.

STEP IN AND TRY IT OUT.

TINY WILL ASSIST YOU.

THE REST OF YOU, STEP THIS WAY.

I'LL SHOW YOU TO THE SUN ROOM.

JUST MAKE YOURSELVES COMFORTABLE.

I'LL SET THE TIMER FOR FIVE MINUTES.

[ BEEP ]

Instructor: ALL OF YOU JUST RELAX.

I'LL SET THE TIMER FOR FIVE MINUTES.

I DON'T KNOW.

THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THIS PLACE, FLINT.

I KNOW, BUT THERE'S A COBRA CONNECTION HERE,

AND WE'VE GOT TO FIND IT.

ALL SET, ZARANA.

GOOD.

NOW LET'S JOIN DR. MINDBENDER.

I-I FEEL WEIRD.

[ Weakly ] MAYBE -- MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE.

[ High-pitched voice ] I -- I AGREE.

[ High-pitched voice ] HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

[ High-pitched voice ] THE STEAM IS -- IS SHRINKING US!

SOMETHING FUNNY GOING ON.

LOOK. MY HANDS!

THE LIGHT. IT'S AGING US.

[ Weakly ] WE...GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL DONE, ZARANA.

TINY! GO. DISPOSE OF THEM.

[ GRUNTS ]

I CAN'T BUDGE IT.

LET'S ALL TRY.

[ ALL GRUNT ]

IT'S NO USE.

WE DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH.

WELL, LOOK AT US.

WE HAVE THE BODIES OF 7-YEAR-OLDS.

HMM. I WONDER WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THE OTHERS.

GUNG-HO, SCI-FI, GIVE ME A HAND.

CAN'T. TOO WEAK.

I'LL HELP YOU.

ON THREE.

ONE...TWO...

THREE!

[ VIPER LAUGHS ]

[ BOTH GROAN ]

Flint: COBRA VIPERS.

Flint: COBRA VIPERS!

RUN FOR IT!

COME ON, OLD MAN.

TIME FOR YOUR NAP.

[ SHOUTING IN DISTANCE ]

STOP! GET OFF!

THERE'S ACTION OUT IN THE HALL.

EVERYBODY CLOSE TO THE DOOR.

WHEN THEY OPEN IT THE DOOR, RUSH THEM.

HYAH!

[ GRUNTS ]

YO-O-O, JOE!

NOT SO FAST, PEEWEE.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING PEEWEE?

COME ON! OW!

NOW LET'S GO FIND THE REST OF THE TEAM.

GOOD LUCK, MAINFRAME.

[ GRUNTING ]

GET OUT OF HERE.

LET ME GO!

All: YO-O-O, JOE!

AAH!

LADY JAYE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

ME? YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT YOURSELF, FLINT.

[ ROARS ]

THROUGH HERE! HURRY!

Jaye: COME ON, OLD TIMER.

[ FLINT GROANING ]

Jaye: COME ON!

Flint: WE'RE COMING.

Sci-Fi: FAST AS WE CAN.

UNH!

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

OFFICER, ARREST THAT MAN! HE'S A COBRA VIPER.

HE'S TRYING TO CAPTURE US.

Officer: SO, HE'S A COBRA VIPER, IS HE?

THAT'S RIGHT. COBRA'S GOT SOME SORT

OF UNDERCOVER OPERATION GOING ON IN THAT HEALTH SPA.

I SEE. AND WHO ARE ALL OF YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?

THE SIX MUSKETEERS?

NOW SCRAM! I'VE GOT ENOUGH HOOLIGANS ON MY BEAT.

GO! GET OUT OF HERE!

[ LAUGHS ]

NO SIGNS OF LIFE.

COBRA MUST HAVE SPLIT.

YOU GUYS STAY HERE AND KEEP AN EYE --

[ TIRES SCREECH ] UH-OH.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

COME ON. I'M GONNA TRY AND GET INSIDE.

GIVE ME A BOOST.

I THINK I CAN GET IN THROUGH THAT VENT.

[ GRUNTS ]

Mainframe: WATCH OUT FOR THEIR SECURITY SYSTEM.

NO TELLING WHAT COBRA'S GOT RIGGED UP IN THERE.

UNH!

Jaye: COBRA'S SECURITY SYSTEM.

UNH!

YO!

LOOK OUT! GET AWAY FROM THE DOORS!

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE NOT GETTING IN TONIGHT.

Woman: BUT YOU MUST GET IN.

IF YOU DON'T, MY CAREER WILL BE RUINED.

MISS DASHER, WHAT HAPPENED?

I TOLD THE AGELESS CARE PEOPLE I WASN'T GOING TO DO

ANY MORE FREE COMMERCIALS, AND THEY DID THIS TO ME.

THEY ROBBED ME OF MY YOUTH.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD US WHAT THEY WERE UP TO

WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE.

NOW THEY'VE CLEARED OUT.

C-CAN'T YOU CONTACT YOUR HEADQUARTERS

AND TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED?

WE CAN'T SHOW UP LIKE THIS. TOO EMBARRASSING.

IF WE COULD ONLY REVERSE THE PROCESS.

MAYBE...

MAYBE WHAT?

WELL, THEY HAVE A FACTORY OUT IN THE DESERT.

THEY TOOK ME THERE ONCE TO SHOOT A COMMERCIAL.

DRAG OUT YOUR COBRA CREDIT CARD, MISS DASHER.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME LATE-NIGHT PURCHASES.

A JOB WELL DONE, DR. MINDBENDER.

ONCE THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS WE OWN THE ANTI-AGING PROCESS,

THEIR VANITY WILL BEAT A PATH TO OUR DOOR.

STRIKING THE ENEMY'S WEAKEST POINT IS ALWAYS WISE STRATEGY,

OH, GREAT SERPENTOR.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY. BEAT IT!

EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO YUMA ROAD?

Mainframe: CAN WE GET A HAMBURGER, GRANDPA?

Flint: [ Chuckling ] GRANDKIDS.

TAKING THEM ON A VACATION.

UM, GOT A RESTROOM THEY CAN USE?

IT'S BEEN A LONG TRIP.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

FIRST BUILDING ON YOUR LEFT, BUT NO SNOOPING AROUND.

WE GOT TO FIND THE PROTOTYPE SUN AND STEAM ROOMS.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN REVERSE THE PROCESS.

WHO IS THAT?

WHAT KIND OF SECURITY IS THIS?

ARREST THE MAIN GATE GUARD AND SEIZE THAT VAN!

Mindbender: STOP! YOU'RE TRESPASSING!

STOP!

HELLO, DR. MINDBENDER.

REMEMBER US?

WHAT?!

YO --

YO-O-O, JOE!

THIS WILL PUT A LITTLE COLOR IN YOUR CHEEKS.

OH, NO! IT'S PAINT!

[ Chuckling ] WHEN JOES DON'T HAVE WEAPONS, THEY IMPROVISE.

YEAH, AND I CHARGED IT TO COBRA.

AAH!

NO ONE TAKES THE GREAT SERPENTOR BY SURPRISE!

NO ONE! OUT OF MY WAY!

THIS, I COMMAND!

SIR, NO! YOU MUST NOT ENDANGER YOURSELF!

LET US ESCORT YOU TO SAFETY!

YES. PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT.

HOLD IT, SMALL FRY.

ZARANA.

I FIGURED WE'D RUN INTO EACH OTHER AGAIN, MAINFRAME.

YEAH. LOOK.

WE AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME.

THE PROTOTYPE SUN ROOM AND STEAM ROOM ARE IN THERE.

YOU'LL NEED THIS.

IT'S MADAME VERSAILLES' SECRET PROCEDURE.

THANKS.

NOW YOU BETTER GET LOST BEFORE SOMEONE SPOTS US.

BRING THEM TO ME!

[ GRUNTS ]

LET ME GO!

HMM. ALL BUT ONE ACCOUNTED FOR.

WHERE COULD HE BE?

Mainframe [ Normal voice ]: UP HERE, LAMEBRAIN.

HE'S BACK TO NORMAL!

YES. I FOUND THE PROTOTYPE SUN AND STEAM ROOMS, AND IT --

COME DOWN FROM THERE, OR -- OR WHAT?

I REPROGRAMMED THE ROOMS, DR. MINDBENDER.

IN FIVE MINUTES, THEY'RE GONNA SHORT OUT

AND BLOW UP THIS WHOLE FACTORY.

YOU'RE BLUFFING!

Mainframe: TRY ME.

ADIOS, DOCTOR.

FOUR MINUTES, 30 SECONDS.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

COME BACK! IT'S A HOAX!

BAH! COWARDS!

ALL COWARDS!

YOU! YOU'RE LYING!

Mainframe: HA, HA. YOU KNOW, FOR ONCE,

DR. MINDBENDER WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.

THERE WAS NO BOOBY TRAP.

[ LAUGHS ]

I REALLY WAS BLUFFING.

[ Normal voice ] Psst! FLINT.

WE MADE A SLIGHT MISCALCULATION.

MISCALCULATION? WHAT'S WRONG?

I THINK I'VE GROWN A LITTLE TOO BIG FOR MY BRITCHES.