Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE, A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE

[ ANIMAL CHITTERS ]

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MUCH OF A COBRA BASE TO ME, DUKE.

THE NERVE CENTER'S PROBABLY UNDERGROUND, BEACH HEAD.

WHO CARES WHERE IT IS?

I'M JUST GLAD TO BE BACK IN ACTION.

HEH. WHY DO PEOPLE SAY "ACTION"

WHEN THEY MEAN "VIOLENCE"?

OKAY. LET'S GO HACKER HUNTIN'.

HACKERS, HUH?

KNEW A FAMILY NAMED, UH, HACKER ONCE.

PRETTY NICE PEOPLE.

THESE HACKERS ARE COBRA COMPUTER EXPERTS.

DIDN'T YOU READ THE INTELLIGENCE REPORT?

I DON'T READ INTELLIGENCE REPORTS.

GETS ME RILED UP.

Mainframe: COBRA'S DOING SOMETHING

WITH SOFTWARE AND DECODER BOXES.

SO FAR, THIS IS TURNING OUT TO BE AS SIMPLE

AS PROGRAMMING IN BASIC.

[ BEEPING ]

INTRUDER ALERT! CODE RED!

Mainframe: LOOKS LIKE COBRA'S RUNNING

AN INTERNATIONAL MAIL-ORDER BUSINESS.

Beach Head: HMPH. LIKE WHAT?

THE SNAKE OF THE MONTH CLUB?

[ DOORS OPEN ] HEADS UP!

SNAKE-PUSS IS ONTO US!

VIPERS!

[ LASER FIRE ]

[ VIPERS GRUNTING, GROANING ]

COME ON!

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.

COBRA'S GONE INTO PAY TV.

HERE'S ONE OF THE DECODER BOXES I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

HMM. THAT'S WEIRD.

OKAY, MAINFRAME, LET'S CHECK THIS OUT.

COMPUTER PRINTOUTS?

YEAH.

REAL AMATEUR STUFF, THOUGH.

COME ON! TAKE IT WITH YOU!

STAY BACK!

Sci-Fi: 'PEARS YOU'VE GOT PIRANHA PROBLEMS.

WHEN I ASK A QUESTION, I DEMAND AN ANSWER RIGHT NOW!

WE SAID IN OUR REPORT... ...YOUR HIGHNESS...

...A COMPUTER VIRUS... ...CAN BE AS DANGEROUS

TO A COMPUTER... ...AS AN ORGANIC VIRUS IS...

Both: ...TO THE HUMAN BODY.

WE'VE PREPARED A DEMONSTRATION.

Mindbender: A VIRUS IS A PROGRAM SECRETLY SLIPPED INTO A COMPUTER

TO LIE THERE, DORMANT, UNDETECTED,

UNTIL ACTIVATED UNDER A SET OF PREDETERMINED CONDITIONS...

...WHEREUPON THE PROGRAM REQUIRES MORE...

...AND MORE... ...OF THE COMPUTER'S MEMORY...

...AND POWER...

Both: ...TO RUN IT.

Mindbender: UNTIL ALL THE MEMORY IS USED UP

AND THE SYSTEM OVERLOADS.

NOT ALL VIRUSES CREATE SUCH DESTRUCTION,

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE, MINE DOES.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

AND THIS, DR. MINDBENDER,

IS HOW YOU PROPOSE TO CRIPPLE THE ENTIRE COMPUTER NETWORK

OF THE INTERNATIONAL POLICE?

IN LESS THAN 15 MINUTES,

COBRA COULD PLUNGE THE FREE WORLD'S LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES

INTO UTTER CHAOS.

FRAG THOSE CEILING SUPPORTS!

[ GRUNTING ]

YOU -- YOU KNOW I WON'T --

WON'T TOUCH A WEAPON, SCI-FI.

THIS AIN'T NO TIME TO BE SO ALL-FIRED PRINCIPLED, LIFELINE.

GRAB ON!

WHY, LIFELINE,

YOU'D DENY THEM CUTE LITTLE CRITTERS JUST A TINY TASTE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ MACHINERY WHIRRING ] LOOK!

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

WE'LL COME BACK FOR THEM. BUT OUR FIRST PRIORITY

IS GETTING THIS STUFF BACK TO JOE HEADQUARTERS.

SO MUCH FOR A ROUTINE RECONNAISSANCE MISSION.

HMM.

HOW MUCH WILL THIS COST ME?

ONLY A PITTANCE.

A MERE $5 BILLION.

$5 BILLION?!

BY THE SERPENT GODS OF THE NETHERWORLD!

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO RAISE $5 BILLION?!

WITH A TELETHON.

A COBRATHON, TO BE EXACT.

THE TWINS OVERESTIMATED THE COST AT $5 BILLION,

YOUR EXCELLENCY.

CRIMINALS EVERYWHERE

WOULD CONTRIBUTE GENEROUSLY... ...TO SEE INTERPOL'S COMPUTERS

WIPED OUT.

WE'VE EVEN ARRANGED SOME GUEST ENTERTAINMENT.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

HMM. INTERESTING.

BUT WILL IT ACTUALLY COST $5 BILLION?

NO. IN FACT, THE COST IS FAR, FAR LESS.

BUT BY SETTING OUR PLEDGE GOAL AT $5 BILLION,

NOT ONLY WILL WE RECOUP THE COST OF DEVELOPING THE VIRUS

BUT WE'LL MAKE A HUGE PROFIT BESIDES.

EXCELLENT!

ALL AGENTS OF COBRA SHALL ASSIST YOU.

THIS I COMMAND!

UH, I-IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO MUCH LONGER NOW, UH,

GENERAL HAWK, SIR.

DON'T GET FLUSTERED, SON.

WE'RE ALL JOES HERE.

AND KEEP THE PHONES BUSY,

DARLINGS, AND THE NUMBERS ON THE TOTE BOARD CLIMBING!

WITH YOUR HELP, THE FIRST ANNUAL COBRA TELETHON

WILL REACH ITS $5 BILLION GOAL!

TELETHON?

WHAT IN THE NAME OF SAM HILL IS THIS?

BEATS ME, SIR.

IT'S A ROGUE BROADCAST NOT ON ANY ASSIGNED FREQUENCY.

BUT WE ARE NOT HERE MERELY

TO, UH, PICK YOUR POCKETS.

WE ARE HERE TO PUT ON A SHOW, DARLINGS!

WHERE'S THIS COMING FROM, SON?

I'M TRYING TO GET A FIX, SIR.

...ELIMINATE THESE FINE YOUNG SPECIMENS

OF AMERICAN ELITE ANTI-COBRA FORCE.

YES, BUT ELIMINATE THEM

IN THE MOST ENTERTAINING MANNER POSSIBLE.

SO, IN KEEPING WITH OUR SURROUNDINGS,

WE SHALL ALLOW A GAME OF CHANCE TO DETERMINE THEIR FATES.

DESTRO?

Flint: LIFELINE. SCI-FI!

SO THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM.

BUT WHERE ARE DUKE AND THE OTHERS?

SPIN THE WHEELS!

ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND GO THE G.I. JOES!

AND HOW THEY END UP, NO ONE KNOWS...YET!

DIAL TONE, GET THAT SIGNAL BACK NOW!

I CAN'T GET THE SIGNAL BACK.

THE SCRAMBLER'S PROGRAMMED TO CHANGE ITS CODE AT RANDOM.

WE WERE JUST LUCKY TO UNSCRAMBLE THE SIGNAL IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE NEED A COMPATIBLE DECODER BOX.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

LIKE THIS ONE?

WE'D HAVE GOTTEN HERE SOONER,

BUT THE CARGO PLANE WE BORROWED WASN'T BUILT FOR SPEED.

WISH WE COULD HAVE SMUGGLED OUT SCI-FI AND LIFELINE.

THEY GOT CAUGHT.

WE KNOW, AS DIAL TONE WILL SHOW YOU.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

THANK YOU FOR CALLING COBRATHON.

MAY I TAKE YOUR PLEDGE, PLEASE?

THIS IS DEGRADING.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE JUST JOINED US --

[ AUDIENCE BOOS, HISSES ]

THAT ONE'S CHEATIN'!

MAKE HIM PLAY THE GAME!

[ BOOING CONTINUES ]

WHAT?! GUARDS! GUARDS!

HE IS RUINING EVERYTHING!

GO TO STANDBY!

GO TO STANDBY!

"PLEASE STAND BY"?

WHAT HAPPENED?

WHERE'S SCI-FI AND LIFELINE?

PINPOINT THAT TRANSMISSION!

WELL, ACCORDING TO THE SATELLITE,

COBRA'S SIGNAL ORIGINATES IN NEVADA.

I -- I CAN'T GET MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT.

OF COURSE!

THE BARONESS SAID, "IN KEEPING WITH OUR SURROUNDINGS."

I'LL BET THOSE SNAKES ARE IN RENO OR LAS VEGAS.

CHECK OUT EVERY TV STATION AND STUDIO --

ANYPLACE THAT TRANSMISSION COULD BE COMING FROM.

FIND IT, AND BRING BACK SCI-FI AND LIFELINE.

STOP IT, FOOL!

DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD ESCAPE?!

[ CHUCKLES ]

SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME.

LAUGH WHILE YOU CAN, G.I. JOKERS!

TAKE THEM BACK TO THEIR CAGES AND THEN CLEAN UP THIS MESS!

OH, PLEASE,

FORGIVE THE INTERRUPTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

EVERYTHING IS NOW UNDER CONTROL. HOWEVER,

WE SHALL DETERMINE THE MANNER OF THE JOES' CANCELATIONS

LATER IN THE PROGRAM, ONCE WE REPAIR THE WHEELS.

BUT RIGHT NOW, DESTRO WILL EXPLAIN,

FOR THOSE WHO JUST JOINED US,

THE MAIN OBJECTIVE OF THIS TELETHON!

UH, UH, THANK YOU, LADIES AND GERMS!

I, UH -- [ LAUGHS ]

I JUST SLITHERED IN FROM HEADQUARTERS, AND...

[ CHUCKLES ]

...BOY, DOES MY STOMACH HURT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

All: VIVE LA COBRA!

BUT, UH, SERIOUSLY, FOLKS, A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME

ON THE WAY TO THE STUDIO.

[ GROWLS ] NO!

NO! I CANNOT CONTINUE WITH THIS IDIOTIC DRIVEL!

[ AUDIENCE SCREAMING ]

AHH.

THAT'S BETTER.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

NOW, THEN, JOINING ME HERE

IS THE MAN WHO DEVELOPED THE COMPUTER VIRUS.

COMPUTER VIRUS?

DR. MINDBENDER!

THANK YOU, DESTRO.

AT THE EXACT MOMENT

WHEN THIS TOTE BOARD SHOWS $5 BILLION,

COBRA'S HOST SYSTEM, A MAINFRAME COMPUTER,

PRESENTLY HIDDEN IN A REMOTE, SECRET LOCATION,

WILL AUTOMATICALLY SEND A COMMAND, VIA MODEM,

TO THE FBI's CENTRAL MAINFRAME.

THAT COMMAND WILL INSTRUCT

THE FBI COMPUTER TO BEGIN RUNNING THE VIRUS PROGRAM.

THE RESULT -- CRITICAL OVERLOAD.

WITHIN MINUTES AFTER THE FBI SYSTEM OVERLOADS,

THE COMPUTERS OF SCOTLAND YARD

AND ALL OTHER INTERPOL AGENCIES WILL EXPLODE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANKS TO YOUR GENEROUS CONTRIBUTIONS...

NOTHING -- I MEAN NOTHING -- CAN STOP A COMPUTER VIRUS

ONCE IT GETS STARTED.

WE CAN SEIZE CONTROL OF THE WORLD'S GOVERNMENTS

WHILE THEIR LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES ARE INCAPACITATED.

WE'VE GOT LESS THAN A BILLION DOLLARS OF TIME

TO FIND THAT STUDIO.

AT THE RATE THEY'RE RAKING IT IN,

THAT'S ABOUT SIX HOURS AWAY.

Woman: HEY! G.I. JOE!

GLADYS, IRENE, A REAL G.I. JOE!

UH, MA'AM, I'M ON A MISSION.

BUT CAN WE JUST GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

LATER, SISTER. HE'S GOT WORK TO DO.

I'M SURPRISED AT YOU, DIAL TONE.

GET A DATE ON YOUR OWN TIME.

AW, FLINT...

WELL, WHILE YOU GUYS WERE ROMANCING THE LOCALS,

I CHECKED THE CASINO'S STUDIO. NOTHING.

RELAX. IT WON'T BE MUCH LONGER.

BETTER NOT BE, 'CAUSE THERE AREN'T MANY PLACES LEFT TO LOOK.

JOES? HERE? WHERE ARE THEY HEADED?

THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY TO THE COCONUT PALM --

YOUR HOTEL, BARONESS.

OH? WELL, YOU DREADNOKS SAY YOU'RE TOUGH.

THEN SHOW THOSE JOES JUST HOW TOUGH.

NO PROBLEM, BARONESS.

WE GOT A FEW OLD DISPUTES TO SETTLE WITH THEM.

WHAT IF FLINT AND THE BOYS

CAN'T PUT A STOP TO THIS TELETHON?

THEN MAYBE WE'LL BE ABLE TO FIND THEIR HOST COMPUTER

AND DISABLE IT BEFORE THE COBRATHON

REACHES ITS PLEDGE GOAL. HOW?

THIS PRINTOUT BEACH HEAD SWIPED IS THE SCRATCH WORK

OF THE PROGRAMMERS WHO DEVELOPED THE VIRUS.

ITS LOG-ON PROGRAM MIGHT TELL US WHERE THEIR COMPUTER IS HIDDEN

IF I CAN CRACK THE CODE.

WELL, FOR PETE'S SAKE, MAINFRAME, GET CRACKING!

HIT THE DIRT! LOOK OUT!

Woman: DUCK! RUN!

LOOK OUT!

I GUESS THIS MUST BE THE PLACE!

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?! DREADNOKS!

YEAH, KEEPIN' THEIR EYES PEELED

FOR ANYTHING THAT MIGHT DISTURB THE COBRATHON!

ALL RIGHT!

UNLESS I MISS MY GUESS,

COBRATHON IS GOING ON INSIDE THIS HOTEL.

MOVE IT, MEN.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

ANOTHER BUDDING CRIMINAL

CUT DOWN IN HIS PRIME BY THE AUTHORITIES.

WHAT COULD WE DO ABOUT IT, ZARTAN?

WE CAN DO A LOT, THRASHER.

YOUR DOLLARS CAN HELP

STOP THIS SHAMELESS WASTE OF FRESH YOUNG TALENT.

YES, YOUR DOLLARS CAN MAKE IT POSSIBLE

FOR YOUNG MEN TO BE SENT TO COBRA'S ELITE ACADEMY.

NO TELLING HOW LONG WE'LL HAVE THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE.

[ GRUNTING ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

HAWK TO MAINFRAME. COME IN, MAINFRAME.

GO AHEAD, HAWK.

HAVE YOU FOUND OUT IF THE CODE

REFERS TO ANY PARTICULAR LOCATION?

AFFIRMATIVE.

IT MEANS "CLOUD CITY" --

ANCIENT ANASAZI PUEBLOS

THAT HAVE BEEN ABANDONED FOR CENTURIES.

WHY ELSE WOULD THERE BE TELEPHONE LINES STRUNG TO THEM?

UNLESS COBRA'S HOST COMPUTER IS INSIDE OF ONE.

YEAH, THOSE LINES MUST BE FOR THE MODEM HOOKUP

THAT INTERFACES THEIR COMPUTER WITH THE FBI'S.

UH-OH. HEADS UP, GUYS.

NIGHT RAVENS AT 7 O'CLOCK HIGH.

INCOMING! HUNT COVER!

COME ON. WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

[ LASER FIRE ]

AAH!

FLINT -- GRAB!

All: Y-O-O-O, JOE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE

THAT THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR SHOW,

AND THE FATE OF THESE G.I. BLOKES

HAS FINALLY BEEN DECIDED!

SCI-FI'S LIFE IS GONNA BE STOLEN BY A ONE-ARMED BANDIT.

[ BELL RINGING ]

WHEN SCI-FI HITS THE JACKPOT,

HE REALLY LOSES, AND EVENTUALLY, THE HOUSE WINS!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

AND NOW, A GAME OF CRAPS WITH THE MASTER OF THE GAME --

DR. MINDBENDER!

AND I BROUGHT ALONG MY OWN PAIR OF DICE.

[ COBRAS HISSING ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FLINT TO DUKE -- PROCEEDING INSIDE THE HOTEL ON FOOT.

ELEVATORS ARE TOO WELL-GUARDED.

THEY'RE BROADCASTING FROM THE HOTEL BALLROOM

JUST BELOW OUR PRESENT LOCATION.

WE READ YOU, FLINT.

WE'VE SPOTTED A BATTLE ANDROID TROOPER HERE,

AND I GOT A MONTH'S PAY THAT SAYS IT ISN'T A TOURIST.

[ GRUNTS ]

FIRE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

Mainframe: WHOA.

IF I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT EQUIPMENT WAS FOR,

I'D SAY THIS PLACE WAS A HACKER'S PARADISE.

NOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA INTRODUCE A LITTLE PROGRAM OF MY OWN

INTO THE INFECTED SYSTEM, YOU MIGHT SAY.

IT'LL TURN THE VIRUS BACK HERE, AND THE ONLY COMPUTER

THAT WILL BE OVERLOADED WILL BE THIS ONE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ COBRAS HISSING ]

[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]

[ LASER FIRE ]

IT'S A RAID!

Man: GET OUT OF MY WAY!

THAT'S RIGHT, COWARDS -- RUN!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

BARONESS TO SERPENTOR -- RED ALERT!

REPEAT -- RED ALERT!

[ COBRAS HISSING ]

THIS CO2 GAS WILL PUT THOSE COBRAS ON ICE!

[ BELL RINGS, ALARM BLARES ]

DUKE, MAINFRAME, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

WE'VE DONE WHAT WE CAN HERE, FLINT.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

WE'LL KNOW ANY SECOND NOW IF IT WORKED!

IT WORKED!

[ BELL RINGS, ALARM BLARES ]

[ SIGHS ] THE COBRA HONCHOS GAVE US THE SLIP,

BUT AT LEAST INTERPOL'S COMPUTERS ARE SAFE.

HEY, LOOK -- THE CAMERAS ARE STILL RUNNING.

THINK MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE THE FOLKS AT HOME A SIGN-OFF

SO THEY KNOW THAT THE SHOW IS OVER?

WHAT YOU GOT IN MIND, DIAL TONE?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

I THINK THAT SAYS IT ALL, DIAL TONE.

I THINK THAT SAYS IT ALL.