Original subtitles

YO-O-O, JOE!

♪ HE'LL FIGHT FOR FREEDOM WHEREVER THERE'S TROUBLE ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ G.I. JOE A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

♪ IT'S G.I. JOE AGAINST COBRA THE ENEMY ♪

♪ FIGHTING TO SAVE THE DAY

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP, HE'S ALWAYS THERE ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR FREEDOM OVER LAND AND AIR ♪

♪ G.I. JOE A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE IS THERE

G.I. JOE IS THE CODE NAME

FOR AMERICA'S DARING, HIGHLY TRAINED SPECIAL-MISSION FORCE.

ITS PURPOSE -- TO DEFEND HUMAN FREEDOM AGAINST COBRA,

A RUTHLESS TERRORIST ORGANIZATION

DETERMINED TO RULE THE WORLD.

♪ HE NEVER GIVES UP

♪ HE'LL STAY TILL THE FIGHT'S WON ♪

♪ G.I. JOE WILL DARE

♪ G.I. JOE A REAL AMERICAN HERO ♪

♪ G.I. JOE

[ WARBLING ]

COBRA!

[ BEEPING ]

FREEZE!

DON'T BE HEROES!

ALL WE WANT IS THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

[ ALARM TONE SOUNDS ]

COBRA'S RAIDIN' McGUFFIN LABORATORIES!

RED ALERT! RED ALERT!

I REPEAT!

RED ALERT!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

UH, SHOULDN'T WE BE REPORTING FOR DUTY, SHIPWRECK?

[ SQUAWKS ]

UP AND AT 'EM!

AH, SHUT UP!

BEACH HEAD PULLS ALERTS ALL THE TIME.

ALL JOES REPORT TO DUTY STATIONS!

I DON'T KNOW, SHIPWRECK.

WE BETTER DO WHAT BEACH HEAD SAYS. I'M GOING!

MAN, THE RECRUITS WE GET NOWADAYS -- NO BACKBONE.

JELLYFISH!

[ SQUAWKS ]

ALL JOES REPORT FOR DUTY! THIS MEANS YOU, SHIPWRECK!

[ GROANS ]

ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING, I'M GOING!

DO WHAT HE SAYS! DO WHAT HE SAYS!

HEY, WAIT FOR ME!

LASERPROOF, SHATTERPROOF! BAH!

LET'S SEE IF IT'S ROCKETPROOF!

[ LAUGHS ]

NOW COBRA OWNS THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

WHATEVER IT DOES.

HOW COME WE NEVER GET A BEDTIME STORY, BOBBY?

WHY DO YOU THINK? 'CAUSE WE'RE ORPHANS, JENNY.

ONCE, JUST ONCE, I WISH SOMEBODY'D TELL ME A STORY.

HEY, JENNY, LOOK!

Bobby: HEY, WOW! G.I. JOE!

REALLY? LET ME SEE!

I WANT TO SEE! HOW?

QUIT SHOVING!

TROUBLE!

BIG TROUBLE!

All: YO-O-O, JOE!

PREPARE FIREBATS FOR EVACUATION!

THEY'VE GOT THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

DON'T LET 'EM ESCAPE!

WHAT'S A McGUFFIN DEVICE?

TOP SECRET, SWABBIE!

[ LAUGHS ]

SO YOU DON'T KNOW, EITHER!

LET THE JOES PARTY WITH THIS -- A COBRA BATTLE ANDROID TROOPER!

[ LASER FIRE ]

WHAT'S IT DOING?!

[ SCREAMS ]

THIS POD SHOULD SECURE THE McGUFFIN DEVICE.

LET'S GET GOING!

STOP THAT FIREBAT!

IT'S GOT THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

RELAX, BEACH HEAD! I SEE 'EM!

[ LAUGHS ]

GOT THOSE SUCKERS!

WE LOST THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

CAN'T CIRCLE BACK FOR IT! KEEP GOING!

GREAT SHOOTIN', SHIPWRECK.

YOU JUST SHOT DOWN AN ORPHANAGE.

[ CHILDREN SCREAMING ]

DON'T JUST STAND THERE GAWKIN'!

WE GOT TO SAVE THOSE ORPHANS!

THERE'S STILL SOME KIDS TRAPPED INSIDE!

ROGER!

[ BOTH COUGHING ]

HELP! SOMEBODY!

[ Hoarsely ] SOMEBODY, HELP!

HELP!

GRAB HOLD!

THESE WERE THE LAST TWO.

THANK GOD YOU SAVED THEM.

AWW, DON'T MAKE A BIG THING OF IT, MA'AM.

[ Sniffling ] WE LOST OUR ORPHANAGE

AND OUR BOOKS AND OUR TOYS.

GOOD SHOOTIN', SHIPWRECK. REAL GOOD SHOOTIN'.

AH, GIVE ME A BREAK. I'M SORRY.

GOOD WORK, BOYS!

WHERE IS THE McGUFFIN DEVICE?

Both: HE LOST IT!

WHAT?! AAH!

Shipwreck: YO-O-O, JOE!

IT'S G.I. JOE!

WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

WITH A LOAD OF BUILDING SUPPLIES,

SO WE THOUGHT WE'D FIX YOUR ORPHANAGE!

[ CHILDREN CHEER ]

HEY, IT'S THE LEAST WE CAN DO!

[ SQUAWKS ] THE VERY LEAST!

COBRA COMMANDER SUMMONING ZARTAN.

WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, COBRA COMMANDER?

Two of my stratovipers lost this -- the McGuffin Device.

I must get it back at any cost!

Your Dreadnoks must leave immediately!

THAT MAY BE A PROBLEM.

BREATH MINT!

OHH! CANDY MINT!

BREATH MINT!

OHH!

CANDY MINT!

[ GROANS ]

BREATH MINT!

[ GRUNTS ]

CANDY MINT!

IT APPEARS, COMMANDER,

THEY'RE ENGAGED IN WEIGHTY PHILOSOPHICAL DEBATE.

Oh, brawling again, eh?

OF COURSE, FOR SOMETHING THIS SIMPLE,

I MIGHT TAKE ON A SOLO MISSION.

AFTER ALL... WHY BOTHER THE BOYS?

OR SPLIT THE FEE?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ WHISTLING ]

AAAAAAH!

HEADS UP!

[ WHISTLING CONTINUES ]

SHIPWRECK...

HUH?

[ ALL GROAN ]

OH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SORRY, GUYS.

DROP THAT BEAM!

AYE, AYE, MATE!

AAH! MY FOOT!

SHIPWRECK, YOU'RE A MENACE TO NAVIGATION.

FOR ONCE, I AGREE WITH YA.

SCRAM, BEFORE YOU CRIPPLE US ALL!

I-I WAS ONLY TRYIN' TO HELP!

All: GO!

[ GRUNTS ]

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, POLLY?

DO I KNOW HOW TO AVOID WORK OR DO I KNOW HOW TO AVOID WORK?

AHH!

[ SQUAWKS ] SHIRKING DUTY!

[ SQUAWKS ]

WHATCHA DOIN'?

WHY, UH...UH, JUST TESTING

THE STRUCTURAL SOUNDNESS OF THIS PLYWOOD.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE TAKING A NAP.

ME, NAPPING? NEVER!

[ LAUGHS ]

QUIET, BIRD.

GOOD. THEN YOU CAN TELL ME A STORY.

A STORY? I DON'T KNOW ANY KID STORIES.

OH, WELL. THA-- THAT'S OKAY. YOU'RE REAL BUSY TESTING WOOD.

I'M JUST AN ORPHAN.

ALL RIGHT! ONE STORY!

OH, GOOD!

[ SIGHS ]

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS THIS LITTLE OLD SHOEMAKER

WHO LIVED IN A COMBAT BOOT.

HIS NAME WAS DUKE -- UH, THE DUKE, AND HE HAD THREE SONS...

HIS FAT, STUPID, UGLY MARINE SON, LEATHERHEAD...

[ CAT YOWLS ]

...HIS FATTER, STUPIDER, UGLIER S.E.A.L. SON, FROG FACE...

AND HIS DASHING, HANDSOME, REAL INTELLIGENT SAILOR SON,

SHIP SHAPE!

[ SQUAWKS ]

THIS IS FOR THE BIRDS.

[ SLURPS ]

UGH! I'VE TASTED LAUNDRY SOAP BETTER THAN THIS!

HMM, COME TO THINK OF IT...

THIS IS LAUNDRY!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

EEP!

CANDY MINT!

BREATH MINT!

CANDY MINT!

BOYS, BOYS, BOYS! COME HERE! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT FOOD.

All: YUMMY!

WHEN DO WE EAT?

WE DON'T. WE'RE ALL OUT OF FOOD.

UNLESS ONE OF YOU BOYS WANTS TO GO TO TOWN

TO BUY SOME HAMBURGERS.

SO, FIRST, HE SENT LEATHERHEAD TO PICK UP THE GRUB,

BUT ON HIS WAY, HE MET THE BIG, BAD COBRA...

WHO STRUCK HIS WEAKEST SPOT...

AND MADE OFF IN A FLASH...

WITH THE CASH!

SO THE DUKE SENT FROG FACE OFF

TO TRADE THE FAMILY COW FOR SOME HAMBURGERS.

BUT IF THEY HAD A COW, WHY DID THEY NEED HAMBURGERS?

'CAUSE THEY -- HEY, WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?

WE HEARD YOU TELLING JENNY A STORY, SO --

YEAH, YEAH, WELL, STOP BEING SO BLASTED LOGICAL

AND LET ME FINISH.

SO, ANYWAYS, THE DUKE SENT FROG FACE TO TRADE THE COW

WHEN WHO SHOULD APPEAR BUT...

THE EVIL FAIRY STEPMOTHER!

I NEVER HEARD OF FAIRY STEPMOTHERS.

DON'T YOU MEAN FAIRY GODMOTHERS?

EVIL FAIRY STEPMOTHERS IS NEW ISSUE.

NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN.

SO, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT...

SHE GOT THE COW.

YOUR TWO BOZO BROTHERS COULDN'T BRING HOME THE BACON

IF THEY WORKED ON A PIG FARM!

WELL, BUCKO, LOOKS LIKE IT'S UP TO YOU TO SCORE SOME BURGERS.

OF COURSE, WITHOUT MONEY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SWIPE THEM

FROM THE UGLY GIANT'S HAMBURGER MINE!

[ WHISTLES ] HOLD IT! WAIT!

STOP JUST A MINUTE.

HAMBURGER MINE?

OH, THIS JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

WELL, IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME.

THANKS, KID.

PBHT!

SO, SLOWLY HE OPENED THE DOOR TO THE MINE.

Bobby: A DOOR? ON A MINE?

Jenny: SHUT UP, BOBBY!

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

AS I WAS SAYIN',

SLOWLY HE OPENED THE DOOR TO THE HAMBURGER MINE AND CREPT INSIDE.

THEN SUDDENLY, WHO SHOULD COME ALONG BUT...

THE BIG, UGLY GIANT!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ CHILDREN MURMUR ]

THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, THE BIG, UGLY GIANT

LOCKED POOR LITTLE SHIP SHAPE UP IN THIS BIG CAGE

AND STARTED SHARPENIN' HIS KNIFE

SO HE COULD SERVE SHIP SHAPE STEW TO HIS FRIENDS,

THE BIG, BAD COBRA AND THE EVIL FAIRY STEPMOTHER!

BUT WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO EAT SHIP SHAPE STEW

IF THE BIG, UGLY GIANT OWNS A HAMBURGER MINE?

Shh!

DETAILS -- DON'T BOTHER ME WITH DETAILS.

THEN SHIP SHAPE -- OUR HERO -- MADE A WISH.

STAR LIGHT, STAR BRIGHT, FIRST STAR I SEE TONIGHT,

WISH I MAY, WISH I MIGHT, GET OUTTA HERE WITHOUT A FIGHT.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, WHO SHOULD APPEAR

BUT PRINCESS SCARLETT, PRINCESS JAYE, AND PRINCESS COVER GIRL.

YOU SEE, SHIP SHAPE WAS SO HANDSOME,

THESE THREE FAIRY PRINCESSES

COULDN'T KEEP THEIR EYES OFF HIM!

THEY FLEW UP TO THE CAGE, UNLOCKED IT, OPENED IT,

AND HELPED HIM ESCAPE!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

AAH!

HOLD STILL, YOU WITTLE WUNT!

[ SCREAMING ]

COME OUT, YOU WASCAL!

[ PANTING ]

SHIP SHAPE WAS TRAPPED.

IT LOOKED HOPELESS.

THEN, WHAT SHOULD HE SEE BUT A GREAT BIG CAN OF SPINACH!

WE WORK OUR BEHINDS OFF,

AND YOU SIT HERE MAKING WITH THE GABFEST!

WELL, I WAS JUST TELLING THESE POOR KIDS A STORY WHEN -- GUH!

DO SOMETHIN' USEFUL! LOOK FOR DUD ROCKETS IN THE FOREST.

WE DON'T WANT THESE KIDS HAVIN' ACCIDENTS.

[ GRUMBLES ]

PLEASE, CAN'T HE FINISH THE STORY?

STORY? HMM. DON'T WORRY, KIDS.

I'LL FINISH IT FOR YA.

TAKES OVER MY STORY.

"GO LOOK FOR DUDS."

LOW-CLASS, NO COUNT --

UH-OH. TROUBLE.

WHAT'S THIS THING?

[ GRUNTS ]

HUH? DON'T LOOK LIKE NO COBRA MISSILE.

OHH! UGH!

WELL, THAT WAS AN EASY $300,000.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ SQUAWKS ]

POOR, POOR SAILOR.

WHEN HE WAKES UP, TELL HIM

COBRA THANKS HIM FOR FINDING THE McGUFFIN DEVICE.

TA-TA.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

TAKE A LOOK-SEE WHAT I FOUND, BEACH HEAD.

HMM, DREADNOK SWAMPFIRE.

THAT COULD'VE BEEN LEFT HERE DURING LAST NIGHT'S RAID.

OR MAYBE ZARTAN IS SNOOPIN' AROUND.

WET SUIT, GET LEATHERNECK. I WANT TO SEARCH THIS AREA.

THIS MAKES TWO I OWE YOU, SHIPWRECK, OLD BUDDY.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

SO, THE FIRST LITTLE JOE MADE HIS BUNKER OUT OF SANDBAGS,

AND THEN THE SECOND LITTLE JOE MADE HIS BUNKER OUT OF LOGS,

AND THE THIRD LITTLE JOE MADE HIS BUNKER

OUT OF STEEL-REINFORCED CONCRETE WITH CONCERTINA WIRE

OVERLAPPING, UH, FIELDS OF FIRE AND, UH, AND, ER, UH --

BORING!

UH, YEAH.

SO, THESE THREE LITTLE JOES -- WELL, THEY, UH --

I'M GONNA FIND SHIPWRECK. HIS STORIES ARE BETTER.

PLEASE, SHIPWRECK, CAN YOU FINISH YOUR STORY?

[ As Shipwreck ] BEAT IT, KID, I GOT A --

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, SHIPWRECK.

THERE MAY BE SOME DREADNOK ACTIVITY IN THE WOODS.

YOU KEEP AN EYE ON THOSE KIDS WHILE WE CHECK IT OUT.

UH, AYE, AYE, BEACH HEAD.

[ SIGHS ]

OKAY, OKAY, WHERE WAS I?

SHIP SHAPE WAS CAUGHT BY THE BIG, UGLY GIANT,

AND THE DUKE AND HIS SONS DIDN'T HAVE ANY FOOD.

UH, YEAH, RIGHT. UH...

[ OWL HOOTS ]

WELL, THE DUKE AND HIS SONS WERE IN DEEP TROUBLE.

Both: HUH?

THEY DISOBEYED THE BIG, BAD COBRA TOO LONG,

AND IT WAS TIME FOR THEM TO PAY!

BIG, BAD COBRA AND HIS GANG WERE TOO TOUGH,

SO THERE WASN'T ANYONE TO PROTECT THE DUKE AND HIS SONS!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

PLEASE, SHIPWRECK, IT COULDN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY.

WELL, I SAY IT DID. THAT'S WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS.

THE STRONG ALWAYS WIN.

[ CHILDREN MURMUR ]

EH, DON'T BLAME ME. FACTS OF LIFE, KIDS.

LIKE IT OR LUMP IT!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU'LL SEE.

THAT'S RIGHT. WE FOUND THIS SWAMPFIRE.

WE MAY NEED SOME MORE JOES TO PATROL THE WOODS.

MISTER? PLEASE, MISTER?

HANG ON A SECOND.

NOT NOW, KID. SHIPWRECK'S BABYSITTIN' YOU.

THAT'S JUST IT. HE'S NOT SHIPWRECK!

YOU JARHEADS ARE ALL CHUMPS.

YEAH, AND YOU S.E.A.L.s ARE ALL CHIMPS.

[ SQUAWKS ]

HELP! SHIPWRECK NEEDS HELP!

BEAT IT, BIRD! LET SHIPWRECK TELL HIS OWN STORIES.

[ SQUAWKS ]

SHIPWRECK NEEDS HELP. HELP!

HELP? WELL, WHERE IS HE?

IN THE WOODS! IN THE WOODS!

LET'S GO!

HERE HE IS!

[ SQUAWKS ]

PTOOEY!

THANKS, KID.

ZARTAN JUMPED ME, AND HE'S GOT THE McGUFFIN DEVICE.

McGUFFIN DEVICE? WHAT'S THAT?

BEATS ME.

[ PANTS ]

BUT I'M GONNA FIND OUT.

SO, THAT'S THAT.

REMEMBER, KIDS, MIGHT MAKES RIGHT!

I DON'T LIKE THIS STORY.

ME, NEITHER!

I THINK YOU'VE GOT MY HAT, PAL.

THERE'S TWO OF YOU! AAH!

[ GROWLS ]

[ Normal voice ] FREEZE, SAILOR!

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, SHIPWRECK!

I'M AN ORPHAN. NOBODY'LL MISS ME. UGH!

SHUT UP!

[ GROWLS ]

MY RIDE WILL BE HERE IN A MINUTE, SHIPWRECK.

LOOKS LIKE MY RIDE HAS ARRIVED, SHIPWRECK.

ARRIVEDERCI, SAILOR BOY.

UGH!

DIAL TONE, GET THESE KIDS TO COVER.

I GOTTA DO SOME SERIOUS HEAD WRACKIN'!

AVAST, YA BLASTED BILGE RAT!

YOU NEED THAT?

[ GRUNTS ]

HE HAS THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

DESTROY HIM AND IT!

[ LASER FIRE ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS THING DOES, BUT IT BETTER BE GOOD.

[ SCREAMING ]

WHAT'S THIS!?

[ CACKLES ]

YO-O-O, JOE!

[ CACKLING ]

[ CACKLING CONTINUES ]

AAAAAAAAH!

THEY'RE USING THE McGUFFIN DEVICE!

ESCAPE! ESCAPE!

[ CACKLING ]

I HATE THAT SAILOR!

Let's get out of here!

HEY!

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

THAT WAS THE McGUFFIN DEVICE.

IT ALTERS THE FABRIC OF REALITY.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE PROJECTIN' SOLID HALLUCINATIONS.

IT DRAWS OUT THE INNERMOST NATURE OF THE USER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

GOOD THING SHIPWRECK USED IT.

OTHERWISE, WE'D ALL BE IN REAL SERIOUS TROUBLE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHERE WAS I? OH, YEAH!

WE WERE IN THAT MINE WITH THE GIANT AND ALL THOSE HAMBURGERS.

FEELS GOOD, DOESN'T IT, TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING WORTHWHILE?

YEAH. CAPTURED A SWAMPFIRE, SHOT DOWN A NIGHT RAVEN,

RECOVERED THE McGUFFIN DEVICE.

I MEANT FIXING THE ORPHANAGE AND MAKING THOSE KIDS HAPPY.

SO, SHIP SHAPE

GOT THE HAMBURGERS AWAY FROM THE BIG, UGLY GIANT

AND HOTFOOTED BACK TO THE DUKE AND HIS BROTHERS,

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. THE END.

OH, WOW!

DON'T YOU WISH EVERY STORY COULD END SO HAPPILY?

[ Laughing ] I SURE DO, HONEY.

I SURE DO.