Original subtitles

Oh, I'd love to win for Fury.

Green Fury is saving people in a burning building!

He'll be okay, you know.

Green Fury! Is that guy your new boyfriend?

Have you gained a bunch of weight since the Olympian dumped you? Did he dump you

because you didn't want children? Or did he dump you because you do?

Hey! What?

woman just saved an entire building and all you care about is who she's dating

yeah thank you and i don't understand why people keep calling me green fury i

mean i understand the green part but hey

i

owe you one if you're ever in trouble push that button Thanks.

I will.

Oh, come on.

You bitch.

You knew I liked her.

How dare you?

So you're telling me if you push that, Green Fury will come?

That's what she said.

I'll give you $10,000 for it. It's her emergency, Teddy.

And Green Fury just came off dating the Olympian.

I don't know if you're her type.

Okay. All right. All right. If it's the abs thing, I've been working on mine. I

watch this YouTube video all about airbrush contouring for this area. And

it's pretty photoreal if I just, like, constantly stand in front of her at the

exact same angle. We did a dry run. I was missing. Uh-huh.

Shredded.

I'll kick in 500 bucks if I can be there to watch her break his heart. Oh, thank

you, Wendy.

Okay, so we're at 10-5 now. Are you really going to walk away from that?

So you're walking away from that, or are you just walking away?

Ah, there she is!

Who's ready for a first board meeting?

This gal.

I can't believe the board even knows who I am. They don't. They said if I wanted

to bring a lesser person to make me feel important, then I could.

Well, they'll know who I am soon.

I've got some great ideas on the Wayne Security pawn show. Do you want me to

tell you now or surprise you in front of the board?

Ooh, I so love surprises, but... Listen, why don't we go with door number three?

Hmm? You don't talk at all.

Well, if I don't talk, what do I do?

Quite a bit, actually. If I make a funny, you make a laughy.

Van, this is my chance to meet the top executives at the company.

It is my moment to shine.

And shine you will, and shine you will, but dimly.

Very dimly.

Can you believe Van wants me to sit silently in my first board meeting?

Actually, he's right.

If you want to move ahead in this company, you don't pitch them your

ideas. You tell the idiots in that boys' club how brilliant their ideas are.

So you want me to be a yes-man?

Works for Van. He is the Mozart of sucking up. Jackie, send Charles a

cheese log as a congratulations for his vasectomy.

He'll get the penis joke, right? I'll throw in some chestnuts and a

nutcracker.

Chestnuts?

I don't get it.

He doesn't get it.

Next time you put tape all over your face, start with your mouth.

Jackie, you brought your daughter?

I love kids. You can put anything in their pockets and no one ever checks.

Hey, Ruby, do you want to go shopping?

Yeah. She can't. She was suspended from school because she hit another kid.

Dope.

So, what'd the punk do to deserve an ass-whipping?

Well, I don't know because Ruby refuses to tell me.

Hey. Do you want to go hide thumbtacks in Steve's sandwich?

No.

Unfortunately, she's too young to understand that you're a cautionary

tale. You're sitting quietly by me.

Lame.

I'm sorry.

You're lame.

Your mom is so lame. I know.

So we'll just toss that money into the fake charity we made for tax purposes.

Unless anyone has any moral objections.

Don't laugh as loud as me.

All right, next item on the agenda is the Wayne Security Poncho.

It is resistant to lasers, gamma rays, fire, and apparently consumers.

Our sales are as low as Charles' sperm count.

Kink in the nose.

So we are discontinuing it. Oh, no.

Ted Honcho just killed the poncho.

Wait a minute. You can't just give up on the poncho. It's a fantastic product.

Which no one is buying, but you know who is? This guy. Come on. First round is on

me. Uh, no.

I would like to hear out the young lady who just shut down our entire meeting.

Well, the reason it's not selling is because it doesn't have a cool factor.

What we really need is a spokesperson that will make it cool by association.

Like a Kevin James.

He's the king of queens.

I was thinking someone like a superhero.

Superheroes don't do commercials.

I can get green fury.

Oh, my God. I think maybe you could order green curry, but don't give any to

me because it makes me repeat.

Do you, uh, what the hell me, or do I need to ruin someone's day?

Um, I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Van Wayne? It's Emily.

Emily Locke.

I gave you that button for emergencies.

Well, and this is an emergency. A work emergency. Which some people would say

is actually... I'm not hawking your dumb poncho. I'm a superhero.

Yeah, you are. But right now, the world sees you like this.

I'm leaving that donut shop. I wasn't eating there.

No one asks the Olympian if he's packed on a few pounds, and I eat one lousy

donut, and I'm on every cover.

Don't listen to them, Green.

Your body's banging.

Who the hell is this dick?

Well... I'm Vanderveer Wayne.

And for the record, I think the Olympian was crazy to dump your ass.

He didn't dump me. I dumped him.

No wonder the Justice League doesn't take me seriously when this crap is all

they see. But what if we showed them something else? We will build a campaign

that will show the world how strong, smart, and capable you are. The Justice

League will come crawling for you.

Yeah, and it doesn't matter how many guys dump you or how many donuts you

stuff in your face to drown your sorrows. Dan, I got this. Oh, what the

hell? Things can't get any worse.

I'll do it.

But if you make me look stupid in any way, remember that I shoot fire out of

my hands. Don't worry.

We're going to make you look great. We're the best and brightest.

Hey, Green Fury, I can show you where the secret bathroom is.

She's looking at me. She's looking at me. She's looking at me.

Is she okay?

No.

You press the Green Fury button without me, you know I have an unhealthy

obsession with her. Green Fury is going to be working with us, Teddy, so I'm

going to need you to not act weird.

Besides, she never gave you the time of day.

Yeah, but I figured out why.

Because of reality?

No, it's because I wasn't rocking.

This.

Oh. That's uncomfortable.

I got it from an up-and-coming Swedish designer named Jost.

So you got a Jost infection?

Okay.

You guys have no idea what you're talking about. I'm going to go ask some

people who are paid to give their opinion.

Your jacket looks stupid.

You're stupid.

Ladies, you all look beautiful, first off. Thank you for coming to our focus

group. I want to remind you, you are allowed up to two slices of pizza, but I

have been known.

To lose count. Okay.

Now let's talk Scarecrow's gas mask, all right?

Excuse me, Ron. Can I borrow these ladies for a second?

I mean, we are in the middle of something. I'll keep it moving.

What do you think about this jacket?

Uh, not a fan.

What if I told you this jacket is a yacht?

Which way do I turn the dial if I hate something?

Oh, to the left. But I want to remind you, he is not a part of this. Looks

like the kind of thing someone I don't like would wear. But perhaps we can

focus on this man. I feel like he gives off a judgy type of vibe.

Oh, I do. Yeah, like he thinks he's better than everybody else.

You know what? This is not about me. This is about a very cool jacket that

your simple minds can't comprehend.

Okay. Oh, ladies, I do want to apologize for my friend. And I'm going to go ahead

and remove that two-slice lemon. This is a pizza party, y'all.

Whimsical zipper.

It looks stupid.

You look stupid.

I mean what I say. I mean what I say.

Stupid.

Tits? Yeah.

You are testing terribly with women age 18 to 49.

The dust from the rubble clears as Green Fury surveys the survivors.

She says...

You don't need a cape to be super. You just need a Wayne Security poncho.

They put on the poncho and follow her into a burning building, now completely

protected. Explosion, explosion, explosion, and fade out.

That was... Terrible.

Fantastic.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Emily, this is impressive. You're going to go very far at this company.

So long as you're not Facebook friends with any of our wives.

I don't have a wife, unless you count marriages in Mexico.

No comprende. No comprende.

I fit in.

Well, Superman, you may be the man of steel, unless I steal your manhood.

Go sit at my desk.

Fine.

Not you, dummy.

Ruby.

Bye.

You're mean.

Oh, my gosh. Ruby is so awesome. She gives the best advice.

Like, sometimes the cloud makes you happy. Sometimes the cloud makes you

sad. It's like, how does she know?

I'm going to shut down this friendship before Ruby also starts dressing like a

sexually active grandma. Oh.

She's not here to play. She's being punished for punching another kid.

Oh, Miles totally had it coming. She had a good reason.

Wait, she told you why she punched him? Yeah, but I can't say anything. She made

me pinky swear.

Tell me. I'm sorry, Jackie.

We pinky sweared.

We pinky swear.

You're a single heterosexual female between the ages of 24 and 35, right? Or

is this Green Fury thing more than just a little experimentation?

We're just friends.

Okay, well, congratulations. You've been selected to take a short survey.

How sexually desirable do you find Teddy on a scale from 1 to 10? Teddy, I don't

have time for this. I'm on a rocket ship to the top of this company.

Okay, so like 8 1⁄2? Let's call it a 9. Keep the math easy.

Look, Ron, you saw how I tested with women. How am I going to win over Green

Fury if I can't charm a focus group?

I'm not sure you should put so much stock in a group of people we found at a

mall eating Sbarro's at 10 a.m. I mean, who eats a breakfast calzone?

Plus, I mean, I think you're great.

Yeah, but I've always tested well with black males ages 25 to 44.

You're talking about me and Dan in accounting?

Yeah.

Looking good, Dan.

Great.

I mean, we really should hire more black people.

I can't believe we're actually here.

Oh, is that jerky? That's jerky.

It's a big day, Emily. Are you ready to paint your Mona Lisa? Yeah.

I am so excited.

What is that car for?

Did they not show you the latest?

It's basically, it's your idea.

Green Fury is fighting villains.

It's just now some of her clothes get burnt off because, you know, the fire.

So she's a little naked.

Wait, what?

You don't expect that, right?

No. And now her car's dirty from the battle. She's got to get it clean. So

it's sexy, sudsy.

Where is the poncho? At the end. Green Fury rises heroically out of the hot

tub. She's wearing nothing but bubbles and a smile. And she says, I feel naked

without my Wayne Security poncho.

It's kind of a thinker, but let's not underestimate the audience.

Use your purse to store this jerky. This isn't the campaign I came up with. Look

at her being so modest. Emily, this is all you. Marketing just made some

tweaks. I've needed tweaks.

I've been telling her that since day one. Jerky? I would.

It's just the aspirin.

Anyway, Emily, congratulations.

You're really making a name for yourself with the board.

Green Fury is going to be so pissed.

This is the opposite of everything.

Just take the jerky purse.

She's never going to do this. It's offensive.

It's like the old saying goes, if you want to make an omelette, you have to

compromise all of your principles.

This isn't how I wanted to succeed.

Well, then it will be how you fail.

Yes, because it was your idea, everyone will blame you.

Okay, Emily, I'm here. What are we doing?

That is an excellent question, Emily.

What are we doing?

I'm so done with Game of Thrones. I mean, the nudity is just gratuitous.

It's not even like sensual composition.

I mean, the fact that it's the same network that gave Lena Dunham a platform

is just confounding to me, you know? All bodies are good bodies.

What are you talking about? You love Game of Thrones.

I mean, you uploaded a supercut of all the nudity and called it a thigh-light

reel, which was very clever. I crunched the numbers from the surveys, and I

found the perfect persona to ask out Green Fury.

I am now a tough but sensitive woke feminist who was raised by a single

parent after his mother was killed trying to save Christmas.

Okay. Well, buddy, I was with you the last time you tried to pick up Green

Fury, and I don't think it's in the cards. Emily!

Where's Emily?

Showtime. Right after I apply some guy-liner.

You done lost your damn mind.

Oh, and don't forget, Ruby's allergic to cats.

Also, her bedtime is 8.30, although that's really up to you now. And here is

her birth certificate.

By the way, the father is not unknown. I was just pissed at him that day.

Um, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that you wanted to be Ruby's mother now because she

tells you all her secrets and she wants nothing to do with me. I can't take your

kid. My apartment is not zoned for human habitation.

Why did she tell you why she hit that kid? I gave her life.

You make ramen with hot water from the bathroom faucet. Jackie, she has her

reasons. You just have to trust me.

And I don't.

You're a barely functioning human being who has the same backpack as a seven

-year-old. Ruby is literally the only thing that I care about, and I want to

make sure she doesn't end up like you. Stop!

I hate Miles because he called you a garbage lady who can't keep a husband.

I didn't tell you because I thought it would hurt your feelings.

You can always tell me anything.

Except when you pinky swear.

What the hell, Ruby?

Best friends forever.

I gave her a locket.

And if you think about it, you're not really naked. You're just saying you

feel naked without your Wayne's Security poncho.

So I'm not actually naked?

No, you're definitely naked. But it's a great example of sex-positive feminism.

Hey, Emily, the patriarchy called. They want their rationale back.

Green? No one told me you'd be here.

It's me, Theo.

Remember? Yeah. What happened to you?

I'm woke now. Yeah. So, what about we go after this is done and we get some green

smoothies? But, like, what do you think about that?

Um, I think that this is a lot.

All right, bud. Come on.

I'm going to get that smoothie with you right after we hose off that guy.

Coexist. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Look, Emily, I trust you.

If you really think that I should do this commercial, I'll do it.

No, because it's terrible.

I'm glad you think so, because I was not going to do it. Oh.

Okay, so we're agreed.

I don't care what this does to my career, but I am pulling the plug on

this thing. Wait, just a second. I like that fire, but if I quit now, then the

headlines will read, Bitter Green Diva Walks Offset. Well, at least it won't be

about the Olympian breaking your heart.

Not sure that he would mind.

Pretty sure it's him leaking all that garbage to the press.

All that guy cares about is being famous.

Really?

What do you think he's doing right now?

Hey, real quick. Did I mention that my mom died saving Christmas?

Okay.

Hi, Theo.

Then after you're done washing the car, you get into the hot tub and... Hang on,

hang on.

So you're saying I'm naked the whole time?

I don't know what you mean by... Naked the whole time. Everybody sees

everything. Ass, pecs, the whole enchilada.

I'm in. Boom, he's in. Grease him up.

Including the enchilada. Emily, I just heard about this thing with the

Olympian. So did I. And I think it is... Yeah, I think it is a very... It's

great. Great.

Great. Yeah.

You're really going places, Emily.

Yes, we are.

Hey, Green.

You got dinner plans later?

With you? No.

But call me around 11. We'll knock one out.

All right.

You look a little cold.

The Wayne Security poncho.

It's hot.

Don't get caught naked without one. Wayne Security poncho does not protect

against magic or rain.

So what do you ladies think?

I love it.

Definitely makes me want to buy one.

I still don't like that guy next to you. Okay, it's not about me.

Okay, well, you guys are free to go now. Don't forget your burrito gigante

coupon. Put $10 off any purchase of $150 or more.

I should have listened to you. I mean, I know I have a reputation of being a bit

of a lot sorry. No, no one says that.

Undebatable. But the truth is, I'm kind of in a slump.

Well, buddy, you're never going to get out of it by becoming some type of

Frankenstein monster of testing results.

You're right.

You know, I just got to be me.

Cool jacket.

Is that Yazd?

Why Yazd? It is.

It's still stupid. Okay, you're stupider.

Now you.

She's listed one.

Having some bathroom ramen?

Maybe.

I'm sorry that I said that you were a barely functioning human being.

Just gonna keep on.

I'm the only one looking out for Ruby, and I never know if I'm doing a good

job. Well, you are. Ruby's really awesome.

Thanks. And it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she ended up like

you. Hmm.

It would be really, really bad, but not the worst.

Thank you.

Hey, check it out. The Olympian's sharing his bedroom secrets. What, that

he couldn't get it up unless I wore his helmet and called him Darkseid?

That is disturbing.

On the upside, they covered the bank robbery I thwarted yesterday.

See, the campaign worked.

Everybody's taking you seriously.

Yeah, I got a call from the Justice League.

Europe. So, definitely one of the top five Justice Leagues. Well,

it looks like we all got what we wanted.

And the best part about it is we didn't have to compromise who we are as women.

You know, if there's one thing I've learned, that... Hey!

I'm trying to explain feminism.

When a man is talking, you listen, God. She's coming back.

That's funny.