Original subtitles

And we go now live to Crimson Fox for an announcement.

Starting today, I'll be leaving Charm City and taking my talents to

Metropolis.

Adjacent. I can't believe she's just leaving us.

But she is our main hero. What if somebody like the Joker attacks?

The Joker is an A-list supervillain. He wouldn't attack a dump like Charm City.

We begged for a WNBA team, Emily.

They said no.

A WNBA team.

Now that Crimson Fox is leaving, maybe we'll get a cool new superhero.

What if we got Aqualad?

Aqualad? No, Aqualad's a sidekick, not a hero. It's like hoping our city gets

protection from a cheese plate.

You're right. It's cool that you guys can laugh about this, but with Crimson

Fox gone, petty crime will skyrocket.

And let's be real, women are always the target.

Emily is right.

The creeps are already feeling emboldened.

Weird Tony the hot dog guy was extra weird this morning.

Wait a minute, you mean fun Tony the hot dog guy?

Yeah, what's wrong with fun Tony the hot dog guy?

Hey, sexy lady, come sit on Tony's lap and touch Tony's hot dog.

Oh, he's definitely talking about his penis. Yeah, it's his penis.

All right, look, if you're worried about crime, I can walk you guys to your car

at night. I mean, I don't look intimidating.

But... But what?

I was hoping someone would disagree.

Who cares?

It's going to be fine. You ladies need to grow a pair.

All of you.

Jackie, there's a bee in my office!

Jackie!

Look, Stingy!

Our fearless leader.

I'm always thinking about taking a self-defense class now that Crimson Fox

is gone. Want to do it with me? Look, I don't have time for some class. I'm

either taking care of a child... Jackie!

...or I'm at home with my kid. I thought you might say that. So, I already found

us a class during lunch. I'll take care of everything. All you need to do is

show up.

There's a chance you'll get to punch a stranger.

Jackie, hurry!

The bee did not lay eggs in your hair. I googled it. It's impossible.

No, something horrible has happened.

Round up the floor.

A violation has occurred.

At approximately 10.02 this morning, I walked into my personal bathroom to

discover evidence that it had been used by another.

Why is no one gasping? Gasp.

Before today, the only cheeks that had graced that throne belonged to me.

And, of course, my beloved golden retriever, Boomer, whom I painstakingly

taught to go human style before he promptly ran away.

Now, I promise you that justice will be swift and fair. You will be fired.

So please step forward and take your punishment with dignity.

No one?

No. Dorothy, was it you?

Looking a little depleted.

A little turdish you wrote, maybe?

A little law and order IBS?

That is a guilty face.

Okay, okay.

I will flush you out.

And then you'll be fired.

Have you seen Jackie?

Who's Bitch Ima?

Oh, it makes more sense when Jackie wears hers.

Bitch Ima and you.

We're taking self-defense classes.

If she ever gets here.

I'm a bitch?

Hmm. Inappropriate, Emily.

Appreciate the honesty, but still inappropriate.

You think Jackie's going to take self-defense classes in matching shirts

with you?

Well, it's sort of like an inside joke.

I don't think Jackie does inside jokes.

Well, that's because you're not on the inside. Me and Jackie, we've got our own

thing.

And yet she's not here.

Well, she probably just decided to meet me there. So I'm going to go learn to

kick ass with Jackie.

Emily?

Hi. Whoa, that class is no joke.

Yeah, well, Jackie didn't show, and on my way back... I ran into an alleyway to

avoid one of Jack Lantern's fireballs. I tripped and fell into the trash.

Oh.

Sexy lady covered in garbage.

Still sexy.

Not now, Tony.

Yeah, that is disrespectful, Tony.

Hmm? I can't believe it.

Jackie knew how much I was looking forward to this class, and she just

stands me up?

Well, maybe she had an emergency.

Or maybe she's sitting in a car over there reading a book.

What?

I figured you'd just go alone.

Why do you smell like garbage?

Actually, can we talk about this later?

No. We are talking about this right now. Friends don't stand each other up. They

send a text with enough sad emojis to make you feel how sorry they are.

Is this an Uber pool? Because I didn't select pool. It is

not a pool. I was just telling this little homeless lady to get out of my

car.

I'm trying to make a little extra cash on the side, okay?

Why didn't you just tell me that?

So are we going or what?

You heard her. Get out of my car, sporty hobo.

Honey water bottle?

Jackie, I'm not sure why you... Ow!

Ow, ow, ow.

I'm going to be direct, which is something you love about me. Hi. My

daughter Ruby's class is taking a trip to Six Flags Metropolis. It's $500 and

money's a little tight right now. I really don't need any of these human

bedbugs knowing that, so as far as you're concerned, I am not an Uber

driver. Yeah, but with Crimson Fox gone, you could get mugged or get hit by Jack

O'Lantern's fireball. It's just not safe for you to be driving strangers around,

right? Who drives strangers around? No one. Not one person ever.

Where'd you learn that?

I have two brothers.

You have two brothers, older or younger?

Please stop bonding with me.

Listen, if you need... I don't want to talk about it, and I really don't want

you to Emily this.

Aw, people are using my name as a verb?

I will not Emily this.

So, I don't want to make this a big thing, but someone who I'm not going to

mention needs a little help.

Oh, are you trying to Emily something?

Look, we're not going to give money to Jackie unless we know what it's for.

Well, she told me not to...

I knew it was Jackie. Now that was from David Blaine.

Okay, this cannot be repeated.

Her kid needs $500 for a school trip. I thought we could all pitch in to help

her out. Jackie is never going to take our money. She is crazy private. I have

a pretty genius way around that. Well, she's going to teddy it. What's that?

That's when you try to turn your name into a verb unsuccessfully.

Ooh, you just got windy.

Everyone in my office except I'm a bitch.

You can stay here.

The three amigos, the three musketeers, the dynamic duo,

and you.

I bet you thought you were in the clear, but you're the only three people who

were in the office when the crime was committed. I know. I checked the logs.

I just want to point out that we're talking about a poop crime, and you said

logs.

That's fair.

Who did this?

Van, this is silly. It wasn't us.

Pedro, could you come in here, please?

It's, uh, Peter, sir. Pedro, when you entered into my personal bathroom

yesterday to clean it, what did you find?

Oh, there were these small fizzers and all these clumps of short curly hairs

all around the base of the bowl.

Not that!

I told you, not that. The other thing... This magazine, sir.

Thank you, Pedrito.

It's Peter.

Witness excused.

Adios. Who does this belong to?

Who was perusing while they were number twosing?

Come on, people. I'm giving you an opportunity to snitch on a friend. I

used to live for this in boarding school.

None of us did it.

All right.

You're sticking together.

Okay. Well, let's see how long that lasts once I move your workspaces to

conference room.

B. Wait,

what's conference room B?

Please, come in.

Take in your surroundings, because this hellscape is where you will be living

until someone tells me who did it.

Okay, so what was so bad about this conference room again?

I think you may have noticed the terrifying lighting.

Oh, come on. Yeah. Not that.

Not that. Well, let me tell you this.

These chairs are the old ones.

Before the upgrade.

They're unable to spin.

Actually, you need to just reach back here, hit this little doohickey, and you

can go wherever you want.

Yeah!

Let me put this little notion in your ear.

No one crosses Vanderveer Wayne and gets out clean on the other side.

It's about to get nasty.

One of my good friends has a daughter in your class, Ruby.

I just wanted to drop off this check, you know, on the down low for her class

trip. What class trip?

Uh, you're all going to Six Flags Metropolis.

We're all going to Six Flags Metropolis!

Yeah!

Calm down. We are not going to Six Flags Metropolis.

Look, I don't know what kind of sick joke you're playing. This is a public

school. We don't go to Six Flags Metropolis. We go to cemeteries and

Operation Help Jackie is over. Now we're doing Operation Mind Your Own Business

and Just Act Cool.

Okay, so you want us to un-Emily this?

Um, I don't think acting cool is the opposite of Emily-ing something.

No!

So we're good on dropping this.

I was trying to be a good friend, and I just went too far.

Jackie is my friend, and if she needs my help, she'll come to me. The important

thing is that no one mentions that I went to her daughter's school.

I am definitely meeting for the first time?

Uh, Van, this is ridiculous.

Teddy, you're a dignified guy. You wouldn't crap up another man's toilet.

But Ron?

How much do we really know about Ron?

Elizabeth's grandma.

Favorite food is pickles.

Birthday wish is always for Jurassic Park to be real. Enough!

No one has to know.

Tell me it was Ron.

Pick it up.

That's why I slid it.

A thousand dollars of furniture within grasp.

Let's go buy a whole folding chair or an ottoman. All of that can be yours if you

just set the truth free.

The truth. Look, there's a little bird.

It's cooped up in a cage.

See, to open that door, set it free, let it fly out on the wings of feathers.

I don't know. It's a bird. I don't know. Just look.

It's a thousand bucks.

Grasp the furniture.

Teddy ratted you out.

What? He did?

Yep. He sold you out faster than a Mumford and Sons concert in the whitest

part of Portland.

You could just say Portland.

He says it's you.

Unless, of course, he's lying to cover his own ass.

Or maybe it's no one's friend.

Wendy.

Wendy.

Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.

Tell me, Wendy.

Why is Wendy always pretending?

Are we flirting?

What?

Finally.

No. Hello.

Keep it on, keep it on, keep it on.

Missed you at coffee.

I got you one anyways.

Okay, obviously you're still needing space.

Now, I just want to say, I've forgiven you for lying to me about needing the

money for Six Flags.

Seriously? And I want you to know that I don't expect you to tell me why you need

the money. But I am available to you.

As a friend.

And that's the last thing I will say.

Okay, the last thing I'll say is I think it would be a shame if a

misunderstanding that was born out of love had a negative effect on a

blossoming friendship that could be great for the both of us. There is

nothing blossoming here. We work together. That's it.

I don't want you butting into my life. Leave me alone.

Jackie, wait.

I don't need your help.

You just got a little bump on the head.

You're all set to leave. We called your emergency contact.

My emergency contact? Who did I put down for my... Oh, no.

Daddy!

I am so flattered and also...

So glad you're okay. Calm down.

I had to put somebody down, and you're kind of sort of reliable and capable in

a middle school hall monitor kind of way. Oh, locker break-ins dropped 24% on

my watch. I have no doubt they did.

Look, I know I overstepped my bounds. Yeah, you did.

But maybe I have too many bounds to step over.

So do you want to know what that money is for?

I mean... Night classes.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life helping Van with his poop witch

hunts, so I'm trying to get my MBA. I didn't want to tell you because... Oh,

my God, Jackie!

That is so amazing!

Because of that, I don't like that kind of attention.

The attention of people who love and care for you? I'm not saying it's

healthy. If I'm being honest, it would probably be good for me to be friends

with someone like you.

But if you could just turn the volume down a little.

You want people to lean in, not lean out.

See, I like having a friend who can tell me that. And I like having a friend who

would probably notice if I was dead in my apartment.

Well, what about your kid?

She has an iPad.

Can we maybe, like, hug?

Make it quick.

Oh, really quick.

Oh, Jackie is getting her MBA.

Turn it down.

it off.

Contact. Drive me home.

Anytime.

How much for the Eames lounger?

Okay, and can I get that with a cup holder?

Traitor. And tacky. Hey.

What's happening? Well, I'll tell you what's happening. Wendy's weak, and she

sold one of us out for a freaking gift card. I did not sell anybody out.

I bet you're the one who used Van's toilet, and you're trying to throw

people off the scent by blaming me.

You know I can't use a work bathroom. That's why I have to drive home at lunch

every day. And you know that I can't go to the bathroom unless there are people

around to give me a sense of comfort and security.

You've been there. I do know that. That's a very strange thing. We're all

friends here.

Van is tearing us apart, and I'm putting an end to it.

You put the pig in the pit, and then you eat it. It's just indigenous.

It's not mischievous.

Van, I pooped in your toilet.

Finally.

The truth comes out, Ron.

Your punishment will be of biblical proportions.

Van?

I pooped in your toilet.

No, I pooped in your toilet.

All three of you defecated in my toilet?

Simultaneously?

You are some dirty birdies.

No, this is a gesture.

We're sticking together. If you want to punish one of us, you're going to have

to punish us all. Haven't you ever seen Spartacus? Thank you for ruining

Spartacus for me.

Ah!

They found the security footage of who cracked up my toilet. Now we'll know.

For sure.

Jackie, there's a thing that looks stingy. Okay, ignore that.

Jackie. I'm meditating.

Jackie, it's not me. It was a bus with Dad.

It's in the room.

Do you see it?

Huh.

Did you get it?

It's Dad.

So, no one pooped in your toilet.

Jackie just used that magazine to kill a bee and left it there.

I knew this all along.

This was me teaching you a very convoluted lesson about friendship.

Thank you.

Look at us. I'm only wearing this because I got the instructor's blood on

the other one. Oh, sexy ladies wearing matching shirts.

Hey, how about a matching football?

Just stop now.

Yeah, Tony.

You got that?

I got it. You know this

is our last Tony dog, right? Yeah, I know.

It's so hard to divorce the artist from his work.

It's so good.

It's so good.

My name is Peter.

That's funny.