Original subtitles

So apparently, Two-Face was able to make our impenetrable safe quite penetrable.

Didn't these high-res infrared security cameras pick up anything?

Mm-mm. His henchmen covered him in paper bags.

Okay, we can't think of everything.

Luckily, Batman caught him. Oh, I love that guy.

He's got a tricked-out ride, blows money on expensive belts, always in a feud

with a guy that dresses like a pimp. You know, he's basically like a rapper that

saves lives.

Yeah, just like Macklemore. No.

Not like Macklemore.

Ron, you gotta check this out.

Sweet Mother's Mary.

Is that a battery?

So, you're walking down the street when suddenly Jack O'Lantern hits you with a

flaming ball of fire.

Citizens of Charm City, who likes crime brulee?

But thanks to our new indestructible cell phone case, your phone is perfectly

fine. As long as you don't drop it directly on the screen.

Yeah. Cool. Great work, guys.

Do you want us to leave you alone?

No, she wants you to ask about the paper she's staring at. Well, since you asked.

It's an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding, but I am perfectly okay with

it. Good. That's a healthy attitude.

She's not okay with it, numbnuts. She's already stalked the new girl's Facebook

page to 2012.

Wow. Is she a supermodel? No, she's not. And she only does print.

She should do more.

You know, we met in grad school.

You know, we backpacked through Asia together.

I mean, his racist grandfather even started warming up to me.

The acceptance of a racist grandfather is still my white whale.

I honestly thought we were going to get married. And then one day, out of

nowhere, he just says he couldn't do this anymore.

No, I can't do this anymore. You have been here for six months. All you do is

work. You need to meet a guy.

Someone who will make you his problem and not ours.

Why don't you just go out tonight, maybe get a couple drinks in you, chat up a

few gentlemen, call...

Ron and I probably shouldn't join our palpable masculinity with scare-off

potential suitors, obviously.

Obviously. Obviously.

Obviously. Obviously.

So it would just be me, Jackie, and Wendy?

Little girls, my eyes.

Yeah!

What are you doing?

If you so much as lay a finger on my action figures, I will stick my lawyers

on you, you son of a bitch.

Yes!

I will see you this Sunday at brunch, mother.

All I've been at is fostering Batman.

Don't you have a batarang flying here?

You mean this one?

Are you a Batman fan, too? A fan?

Hardly.

Let me tell you a story that will shake you to your core.

The year is 2003, the season summer.

I'm sitting in my Maybach, listening to Hey Ya on the radio.

I'm shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

And then suddenly, the Batmobile flies out of nowhere and takes off my side

-view mirror.

Batman didn't even stop. He just kept chasing after the semi-polar warheads to

help some orphanage.

Were the orphans okay?

Who cares?

They're orphans.

It's a hard-knock life.

They can live on one dollar a day. But my side-view mirror? That costs $30,000

to fix.

I'm going to get him to pay when he comes back for this.

Well, Batman had hundreds of batteries.

He's not going to come back for this one. Batman never leaves anything

behind, including insurance information.

No, he puts a GPS in all of his stuff. He doesn't want the technology getting

out there.

Yes! Excuse me.

I know you can hear me, dork knight.

You better bring your checkbook.

And a prepared statement I can turn into Geico.

I am so glad you guys convinced me to go out.

Oh, should we take a picture? No.

Hashtag, hi, haters.

Wait, who are the haters?

I don't know. Huh.

Oh, how about some margaritas for me and my senorita?

A man.

He just smiled at you. We would not be at all offended if you wanted to leave

us and go talk to him.

There's no guys at this bar for me. How could you possibly know that?

Well, ironic mustache, unironic mustache, flip-flops in a bar, gross.

Eating mozzarella sticks with a fork.

Oh, has a blackberry.

Looks like my old dog that died, which is already making me kind of sad, and

went to Arizona State.

Wow, you're like Jason Bourne if he was destined to die alone.

I just know what I want.

I don't need to settle. It's not like I'm $30 in debt.

Don't want to start a relationship in the red.

Good save.

Well, I tried.

I'm going to go. If I leave now, I can still get home in time to not be here.

Who am I going to make out with?

Hey.

Yo.

Hold up. Did we go to Arizona State together?

I'm pretty sure we had bio or like... Hey, bro!

Heard they started a beer pong tournament outside.

Whoa.

Yeah.

You got about two minutes until it works out there's no beer pong.

Hey.

I'm Emily.

Dan. Did you just get here?

Yeah. I just got out of the ER. Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm better than okay.

I'm a doctor.

Oh.

And my team is actually putting the finishing touches on this indestructible

phone case.

Wow, that seems like overkill. Try and break it.

I dare you.

Okay, we still haven't figured out waterproofing.

Can I see your phone?

Are you going to drop in a beer?

The...

The picture on the home screen is just a joke.

I don't really like Gilmore Girls.

I mean, unless you also like them, in which case, I'm Team Jess.

Yeah, I don't normally give out my number, but I have a good feeling about

you.

Text me.

There's a little message from the Riddler.

Oh, my God, Jackie.

I just met the most amazing guy.

Which picture do you like? The one where I look good and he looks okay, or the

one where he looks really good and I...

Oh, I still look good.

Posting a photo on Instagram to let your ex know that his engagement hasn't

affected you at all. So, I'll just leave the hashtag traded up.

But I actually do really like Dan. I told you, I'm not picky.

I just know what I want.

When do we get to meet Mr. Perfect?

Oh, it's Dr.

Perfect and, uh, oh, right now.

All right, obviously I'll just let him know that we're friends so he's not

threatened by our relationship.

Obviously. Obviously.

Obviously. What?

Hey, everyone.

I'm Dan.

How you doing? You ready to go? Yeah. Let me just get my stuff.

That must be Wendy.

Yeah. Hey, is it cool if we eat early? I got to work tonight.

Oh, my God.

What happened to your face?

Oh, I fell off my bike and onto a rock.

Was the rock shaped like Green Lantern's ring?

Who knows?

Sometimes pancakes look like Jesus.

We should go. Okay.

You dropped your scope? Yeah.

We're just friends.

So, Emily's dating a henchman, right? Yeah, big time. We gotta tell her. Well,

hold on. I mean, he's just a low-level henchman. I dated one in college. It's

basically like dating a bass player.

Maybe you're right. I mean, it's probably just a fling. It'll flame out

or he'll die.

Just like dating a bass player.

What the hell you doing?

Waiting for Batman.

And you put out milk and cookies?

You're not Santa Claus.

You don't know that. They both hang out on rooftops. They do.

You wore a Batman shirt to meet Batman.

Yeah. Celebrities love it. I wore my Bateman shirt when I met Jason Bateman.

And how did he react to that?

Kind of befuddled, but that's sort of his shtick.

He knows who he is.

Okay, let me give you a little Celebrity 101, Ron.

When you meet one, you gotta play it cool.

You gotta act like you might not even know who Batman is.

Gentlemen. Oh, my God, it's him!

Sir.

I'm sorry, I had something stuck in my throat.

You need to play it cool, Teddy.

It's Japanese schoolgirl routine. It's blocking my swagger.

I can't have you scaring him off.

We have business.

He's never going to pay you the... Wait, why are you squeaking when you walk?

And why are your nipples protruding?

It's cold.

I mean, I think the real question is... Why aren't you yours?

Is that a cape hanging out the back of your pants?

Because I'm going to the opera.

I'm late.

Exempt.

Something's not right here.

He's got a cape, unusually pointy nipples. You don't think Van... A

Mexican wrestler?

I was gonna say hiding something, but your theory makes perfect sense.

We're gonna get to the bottom of this.

Anyone have any exciting weekend plans?

I'm taking my grandpa back to the escape room. Oh, that's cool. He's into those?

No, it's just what he calls the nursing home. He solved it again.

Oh. Well, I have some very exciting weekend plans.

Dan's picking me up after work and taking me away for the weekend to his

boss's house. He says it's carved into the side of a mountain.

Fun. Um, are you sure you're ready for that?

Uh, ready for a weekend away in a remote location with no cell reception?

Uh, yeah.

We've been dating a couple... of weeks.

You know, there's a lot to do right here in Charm City.

You know, maybe check out the new food court at the mall or the churro spot

next to the police station or really anywhere else extremely public and well

-lit. I like that. Guys, I appreciate the concern, but things are going great.

I mean, check this out. Oh, that's so sweet.

I bet he stole it from somewhere really nice.

What? You're dating a henchman.

A henchman? What are you talking about?

Okay, all Jackie's trying to say is that Dan performs a variety of henching

services for supervillains on a four-hire basis.

Guys, come on. You met him once.

All right, look. Five signs you're dating a henchman. He's got all these.

It's not your fault. Charm City's just crawling with henchmen. It's an easy way

to make ends.

Yeah, it doesn't mean he's a bad guy. It just means that he's a bad guy.

No, he's not.

Trust me. I know how to pick guys, and he is great.

I mean, he's taking me away on a romantic weekend to his boss's house at

the top of beautiful Skull Mountain, and he says there's an amazing shark tank

and a ruby laser that shoots all the way to the moon, and oh, my God, I'm dating

a henchman.

Yeah.

You've angrily stormed out here three times, so I'm assuming you want to talk.

He lied to me. He's a liar.

Hey, at least you got a nice bracelet out of it. All I got from my ex was a

kid with a serious ADD problem.

Just let it go.

No. When my ex-boyfriend dumped me, I found out he'd been cheating on me with

that print model. And do you know what I did?

Nothing. I took the high road, and it felt like crap.

Now they're getting married and I have to buy them a pizza stone.

You're getting them something?

Well, they sent me an invitation. It's proper etiquette. No, but things have

changed. For the first time ever, Emily Locke has taken the low road.

That henshing son of a bitch has no idea what's coming.

This is my first time down the low road, so I'm going to need your help.

What does he mean?

I just slipped and fell.

Please, I invented the pretend to fall and grab a pair of breast move.

I had two old pairs quit over it.

Yes. Pun intended.

But what's your game?

Those pecs aren't real. You're wearing something under the suit.

Mm-hmm.

Well, if you must know, follow me.

Yes. No. Well, not yet.

Maybe. Just... Okay, let me ask you something.

What is the best part about being a superhero?

Protecting those who can't protect themselves.

No, it's about being famous and wearing cool-ass costumes.

That's why I had this made by my rubber smith. I had no idea you were a closet

superhero fan. Who's your top ten?

There's more than that.

You actually think Batman is going to look at you, a middle-aged man who

pulled his back last week sneezing, and say, hey, there's my new boy wonder.

This guy gets it. Yes, and then once we have a good working relationship, I

don't know, I'm thinking I might bring up the Maybach thing.

Quick question. Yeah. You are aware two Robins have supposedly died on the job?

High turnover.

I'm in.

What's more insulting, jack-off or jag-off?

Neither one's great. I'll just say this.

I've told off a lot of crappy men. It's like a Vegas buffet. You will feel

terrible afterward.

Yeah, but it feels great while you're eating it.

Ooh, I can't wait to tear this guy anew.

Hey, babe.

What are we still doing here? It's been an hour.

Okay, Batman's not going to come to the office, so we have to meet him in his

office the cover of night.

So far, I've just seen a guy get a handy, and I'm fairly certain that

wasn't Batman.

Why are you watching a guy getting a handy? Why is that your takeaway?

I just want to know.

Would you nerds go stand over there?

You're embarrassing me.

Oh, my God, it's Peter.

Shut up, idiot.

My robin sense tells me that someone is approaching.

Yeah, we heard it. You can hear that? Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's him!

Oh, God, that's not him. Not at all him.

Boy Wonder, you got this?

Hi.

You know what rhymes with Java?

Lava!

Oh, my God, that was a nice coffee.

I have just made him very angry.

All right, guys, get him out. Come on. Here you go. Here you go. Give it up.

Carve it up. Forgot my wallet. You did not. He's got money in his shoe.

Keeps it in the sock.

There you go.

Forgot about that.

I'm sorry I'm late. It's crazy busy tonight.

Were you working in the ICU?

No. Because I see you when you're a liar!

Good Lord.

What are you talking about?

I know you're a henchman, Dan, if that's even your real name.

All right, fine.

I'm a henchman.

And my name's Reggie.

And I know what you're thinking.

Not a lot of white guys named Reggie.

No, that's not what I was thinking, but I guess that's true. Now, I... I have

some things to say to you and you're going to stand here and listen to them.

Actually, I'm not.

Please tell me this is a Japanese game show.

Enjoying the low road?

I really have to thank you, Emily.

I told the Riddler about your cell phone cases.

I need to have him steal them so he can use them to build a tank to attack

Arkham Asylum.

Why, unprompted, did you just tell us your entire evil plan?

I don't know. It's just a thing we do.

Hey, for the record, I do like you.

I'm just really focused on my career right now.

Ooh, that is one of the things that you said you looked for in a man.

Just so you know, we're through, Dan.

I think he knows.

You have a good night now.

The joke's on him.

I only had $2,000 in my wallet.

I can't believe he thought this would work.

All right, let's face it. We're not going to need that.

You know what? I bet this stupid batarang isn't even real.

Teddy? What? Where's the batarang?

It's right here.

We met Batman. We met Batman.

We met Batman.

We met Batman. We met Batman.

We met Batman.

I don't know how this keeps happening.

This? Well, not this, but meeting guys who seem great and then turn out to be

lying pieces of garbage.

I thought my system was perfect.

I make a list of all the qualities I'm looking for in a guy, assign each one a

point value, and if that number exceeds 200... Can I make a suggestion? Burn

that list.

It's in the clouds, so I can't really do that. You're 25.

You can't hold yourself to a list because you don't even know what you

want. And even when you do, you're still going to date a bunch of terrible guys

and have horrible things happen.

Until I meet the right one?

Sure. Or just one who's a really good liar. That's what I'm aiming for.

Look, just because you can't avoid all the dirt bags, that doesn't mean you

don't deserve better.

Aw.

Thanks, Jackie.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to backwards hug you. If I don't want your front hugs, what makes

you think I want your back ones? Okay, sorry.

Okay, we're done here.

So you're going to let us go?

Well, I asked the boss what he wanted to do with you, but he answered in the form

of a riddle and couldn't quite figure it out. What a shock.

What has no legs but never stops running?

A nose?

A refrigerator?

A river.

Oh, he wants us to throw him in the river.

Smooth. I told you she was smart.

Would you like to tell us your SAT scores?

I guess I should get that bracelet back.

It's Robin. That guy must be here.

That was weird.

Jackie, get a pair of scissors.

Cut me out of this suit. Emily, why are you still at work? Get a boyfriend or

something.

Even just a hobby.

All right, this is like a freaky alley, and it is pitch black. We didn't want to

be there, but we had to be there. And these guys, I mean... It was you. It was

all of us. It was an effort to gather.

What are you doing?

Pretending to listen to their story. And returning this pizza stone for story

credit. That a girl.

All right, this bad guy's got Batman dead to right. And we're like, get your

hands off our friend!

Get him off!

And then with that, he sees us.

And then he turns around and runs.

Yeah.

That obviously never happened.

Obviously. Obviously.

What? Come on.

Obviously.

Obviously.

That's funny.